Mahariel and Hawke climbed unsteadily up the stairs and around to their seats, with the rest of the party following slowly behind. Six figures arranged themselves into different spots on the floor and were warming up for the ensuing battle. Sten swung his arms in wide circles, his sword switching hands with every rotation, and everyone else steered clear of him. Sigrun jumped up and down in place while nearby Varric was busy oiling Bianca. Both Wynne and Morrigan were sitting in quiet meditation, though Wynne moved her lips in a silent prayer to the Maker. Aveline ran through various sword stances, methodically fighting an invisible enemy. They all kept one eye on the two intoxicated rogues.
"Mahariel, why in Andraste's name is there only one set of stairs in this ballroom?" Hawke asked. She felt like she had been walking for years, and they still had a quarter of the way to go to their seats.
"Because it looks better, and there's more room for dancing. And fighting apparently."
"It's a bloody long way to walk."
"Tough." Mahariel wasn't feeling especially happy about the walk either, but she wasn't about to show it in front of the Champion of Kirkwall. They finally made it around to their chairs and Hawke collapsed down with a contented sigh. Mahariel sat down more gingerly, not quite trusting her depth perception at the moment.
"Maker's breath, Mahariel, what was in that drink you made me?"
"That's for me to know, and you never to find out."
"You're depraved, elf."
"I'm aware. Shall we start up this round?"
"Please."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the climax of this most epic struggle. The road here was long and hard, and..."
"That's what she said!" Isabela shouted from across the room.
"Real mature, Rivaini!" Hawke shouted back. "Mahariel, please continue."
"...and messy. But we are here. Finally. The GRANDE FINALE ROUNDE!"
"Again?" Hawke whined.
"Yes. And if I may continue without being interrupted..."
"Go right ahead."
"Good. We have culled you down to the best of the best, and now it's time to find out who's the best of the best of the best." Mahariel shot a glance at Hawke, who pursed her lips firmly and tried to look innocent. "Representing the healers we have Wynne; a Fereldan Circle Mage with a deathly secret."
"That's not really a secret." Hawke added. "For our sword-and-boarders, we have Aveline; the captain of the Kirkwall guards."
"Our double-axes wielding rogue is Sigrun; Formerly casteless, this dwarf has worked her way up to becoming both Legion of the Dead and a Grey Warden."
"The next mage is Morrigan; daughter of Flemeth, shapeshifter, Witch of the Wilds."
"And joining the warriors is Sten; bearer of Asala and member of the Baresaad"
"And rounding out the competition is Varric and his completely tricked-out crossbow known only as Bianca."
"Are we ready Hawke?"
"Shale, on your mark!" For the last time the huge golem raised a stony hand, all eyes turned resolutely towards it. She brought her hand down decisively, and chaos erupted in the ballroom. Morrigan transformed; growing large, furry, and humpbacked. Sigrun winked out of sight, and a hail of arrows filled the ballroom. The corner Wynne was standing on took on an odd shimmer as shields slammed up around her, arrows bouncing harmlessly off of them. Aveline raced towards the bear formerly known as Morrigan, while Sten charged at Varric, swatting arrows with his sword as he went. Varric took one look at the large figure and sprinted as fast as his dwarf legs could carry him. Morrigan battered at Aveline's shield with her massive paws, ignoring the small cuts the guardswoman's sword inflicted on her. Wynne stood silent behind her shields, and there was still no sign of Sigrun.
"Do you have any idea what's going on?" Mahariel asked, her eyes darting rapidly back and forth between the contestants.
"Nope, watching them is giving me a headache." Hawke was slumped deep in her chair, massaging her temples. "Just let me know when it's over."
"But I can't do commentary by myself!"
"Mahariel, no one is listening to us anyway."
The Morrigan-bear roared in pain, and leaped over a crouched Aveline. She ran towards the base of the stairs and skidded to a stop. Away from the melee, she looked back over her shoulder; there was a small ax embedded in her rump. Morrigan sat down, and used one surprisingly dexterous paw to remove the ax. With a snort, she tossed it up the stairs towards Barkspawn, who caught it in his mouth, and turned large golden bear eyes towards the shadows. Sigrun stood exposed in the light with only a single hand ax. Aveline spotted the dwarf and brought her sword down on top of her – a move that Sigrun only just managed to avoid by somersaulting off to the side. Aveline chopped downward again, and Sigrun brought her ax up to defend herself.
Morrigan, satisfied that her attacker was being dealt with, surveyed the room. Sten was still chasing Varric around the pillars, but over in the corner Wynne was alone, setting up magical traps. Morrigan seemed to explode as she transformed from a bear to a swarm of insects. The buzzing cloud traveled lazily over to the mage, easily bypassing her shields. Wynne noticed nothing until Morrigan started to sting her. The older mage waved her arms frantically, swatting away the insects, dropping her shields in the process. A wave of magic that was more felt than seen swept across the ballroom, but only swarm-Morrigan seemed to be affected; the insects fell to the ground and slowly coalesced back into human form.
Sigrun was doing her best to defend herself with a single ax, but the tall woman she was battling had a much longer weapon with a much longer reach, and much heavier armor than the dwarf. She reached behind her and pulled out an odd glowing flask. She threw it at Aveline's armor and it was as if the woman was hit by lightning. She positively crackled as electricity crawled over her and her flame-red hair stood on end. Sigrun used the distraction to scurry over to where Morrigan threw her second ax. It didn't take long for Aveline to recover, and though she was still buzzing slightly, she chased after the rogue.
"Ahh, that takes me back." Hawke sighed happily. One eye was open, watching the proceedings below.
"What does? And I thought you were sleeping."
"Varric and Sten. That's how I defeated the Arishok, you know, by getting him to chase me around the room until he couldn't move."
"Sounds like the Arishok was pretty stupid."
"It's working on Sten, isn't it?"
Sten was indeed starting to get tired of following Varric around the pillars. Varric never even stopped to shoot a bolt off. Sten cut one of the corners, intending to head off the dwarf, when Aveline barreled into him. A grim smile spread across his face as he swung his sword at the guard. She parried it expertly, and engaged the qunari, the dwarfs all but forgotten. Varric kept running but didn't see the dwarf woman kneeling to pick up an ax. He tripped over her, sending them both tumbling to the ground. Sigrun popped up almost immediately. She threw a glance over to the warriors, and then turned back to the other dwarf. She stood over him and raised her axes. Varric turned to look at her, still on his back. Slowly he pointed his crossbow at her.
"Well Hawke, it looks like it's mage against mage, rogue against rogue, and warrior against warrior."
"Hooray."
"Wait, what's Morrigan doing?"
The half-naked witch turned her back on the elder mage and scanned the upper floor. She stopped when she reached a corner of the Kirkwall side and waved her staff once. A dazed look crept over the faces of Carver and Sebastian, and they stared down at Morrigan. She crooked a finger at them, and they lumbering towards the stairs, pushing aside Anders and Bethany on their way. They managed to get down the stairs, still looking rather confused as they flanked the witch. She pointed her staff at Wynne, and the two men rushed the old woman, weapons drawn.
"I thought only blood magic users had the ability to control people like that." Hawke cocked her head to the side, watching her brother run at the healer.
"She's not controlling them – Morrigan just threw a disorient spell and let hormones do the rest."
"Oh Carver. My stupid, stupid brother."
"Yup."
"Is that allowed?"
"We have no rules against it." Mahariel shrugged.
"Of course we don't."
"We probably should have thought this whole tournament thing through a little better."
"Too late now."
The ground started to rumble under the interlopers feet. Wynne stood in the epicenter, calm and collected, arms outstretched. A large crack appeared on the floor, and Mahariel winced. Carver and Sebastian, barely able to stand as it was fell down when everything around them started to shake. Sebastian's head hit the floor with a large thud, knocking him out. The other two battles had stopped for the moment, unable to gain steady footing. When Wynne's earthquake died down, Carver stood up, and looked around.
"How did I get down here?" The warrior boy mumbled to himself. He didn't think too hard about it, because Wynne was still coming after him, staff held menacingly in front of her. He put up his sword. In the balcony, Anders glowed a bright blue.
"MORRIGAN! THAT WAS UNFAIR! I AM COMING FOR YOU!" Justice/Anders shouted. The possessed mage waved his staff, sending a force wave that threw Morrigan on her back.
"Uh-oh." Hawke groaned.
"Wait, why is Anders standing up for two people who hate him? Against a fellow mage?"
"I don't know... and that's not our only problem." Hawke pointed to the stairs. Varric had gone running up them the instant the shaking had stopped, with Sigrun in hot pursuit. They ran past the Nathaniel and Velanna, all they way towards where Loghain was sitting. Spectators braced themselves against the wall; Leliana went to the balcony railing when Varric passed by; a brush with Sigrun sent her tumbling over the edge. The bard twisted midair and landed on her feet. She pulled out her long bow, and sent a shot straight at Sigrun, who ducked the arrow without slowing down.
Aveline and Sten had resumed their combat; Aveline body-checked Sten with her shield while their swords were locked above them. Sten growled and shoved the guard straight to Leliana. The two redheads stood back to back, bow and sword lifted defensively. Sten charged at Aveline again; the force of the crash at Leliana's back made her let go of her bowstring, sending an arrow hurtling upwards straight towards Nathaniel. Standing next to him, Velanna let loose a fireball that disintegrated the arrow midair. The elf stood back and took a deep breath, and sent a tornado of fire racing across the top of everyone's head. The room started to smell of burnt hair and several of the pillars gained new scorch marks.
Varric ran right past where Hawke and Mahariel were sitting. He stopped at the corner and turned around, crossbow drawn. A single, powerful bolt went shooting across to Sigrun running towards him. The Champion and the Hero hit the floor.
"Varric! You ass!" Hawke complained. Sigrun dodged the arrow, which buried itself deep into the wall.
"Can we stop this?" Mahariel whispered. Hawke looked up at the field. Leliana and Aveline were fighting the qunari. Anders/Justice had gotten himself into a mage duel with Morrigan. Carver was trying to defend himself from Wynne. Bethany was running down the stairs to help her twin. Velanna apparently had it out for Leliana, lobbing fireballs at the bard from the balcony. Varric took off running again, and Sigrun jumped up and ran across Hawke and Mahariel's vacated chairs. Sebastian was still unconcious on the floor. As the Champion continued to scan the room, Zevran and Isabela exchanged wicked grins and leapt over the balcony to join the fray.
"Shale!" Hawke shouted. "Get rid of anyone who's not supposed to be here!" The golem slammed her fists down into the ground, sending another quake through the room. The stair she stood on crumbled underneath her. Oghren dropped the flask he had been holding. He roared and his face turned red.
"Shale; that was a single malt! No one messes with my whiskey!" He shouted, and pulled out his large ax. He ran towards Shale and began to hack at the stone golem. He chipped away at her while Shale punched him with a stony fist. Neither attack seemed to be doing much damage.
"I don't think that worked." Mahariel said. Hawke sighed.
Bethany reached her brother, and the mage and warrior began to work as a team against the older woman. Flashes of light flickered all over, and Carver wove in and out, trying to find a hole in Wynne's defense. He walked straight into one of Wynne's mage traps, and stopped, unable to move. Merrill saw the paralyzed Hawke brother, and frowned. She waved her staff to cancel out the spell. Carver looked up at his saviour.
"I didn't need any help!" He whined. Merrill looked hurt.
"Really? So sorry, to me it looked like you were trapped." She said sincerely. Fenris stalked over to her.
"The boy can do well enough without the use of your dirty magics, blood mage." He sneered at her.
"It's not dirty." She said, looking as if she was about to cry. "It's not!" Almost without thinking, Merrill let off a spell that ripped through Fenris like a knife. His white tattoos started to glow, and he advanced forward on the Dalish blood mage. Carver realized what he started and groaned. He looked over to where Bethany and Wynne seemed to be fully engaged, and made his way back up the stairs to break up the fight between the two elves.
Anders loomed over Morrigan, eyes fully blue. The golden-eyed witch was on her back, but still defiant. The room pratically crackled with energy of charging spells as the two glared at each other.
"Uh, excuse me?" A cough from behind Anders caused them both to break their stare. The King of Fereldan stood behind Anders, looking slightly embarrased. "I think you shouldn't destroy Mahariel's ballroom." All of the energy drained out of the two of them as Alistair cleansed the area of magic. Anders helped Morrigan stand, and they faced the templar. Ander's eyes glowed brighter, and Morrigan slowly started to transform into a spider. The blood drained out of Alistair's face. He slowly lifted sword and shield. Loghain spotted them from the second level. He swore under his breath, and sprinted down the stairs, determined to save his son-in-law from two very angry mages.
Zevran and Isabela seemed to be involved their own contest, albeit one very different from everyone else. The two popped in and out of sight, moving from battle to battle. Their knives flicked out quickly and quietly. No one noticed them, and no one noticed that their pockets were suddenly a lot lighter, or that their armor and robes aquired some very odd and strategic tears. Every so often the pirate and the assassin would meet in the middle to compare their spoils.
"ENOUGH! EVERYBODY STOP!" Hawke shouted, standing on the top of her chair. No one payed any attention to her. She slumped back down, and Mahariel patted her back.
"Nice try." The elf said soothingly. Hawke huffed.
"We've got to stop this."
"Well, we are the best fighters in the room, aren't we?"
"Of course, we're the Champion of Kirkwall, and the Hero of Fereldan."
"Then let's go stop them." Hawke took in Mahariel's words, and a slow grin spread across her face.
"Let's do it." Hawke stood up and pulled out her bow. Mahariel drew her twin swords, and the two of them took a running leap and dived over the balcony railing. Hawke made a beeline for her sister and Wynne, while Mahariel went to break up the qunari and the redheads. Hawke ran alongside her sister, and quickly shot off several rounds of arrows into Wynne's robes, pinning her unharmed to a pillar. Wynne looked angry and struggled furiously, trying to rip the arrows out. Mahariel cloaked herself in the shadows and came up behind Aveline. She hit the guardwoman over the back of the head with the pommel of her sword, sending the warrior tumbling forward. Mahariel returned to the shadows.
Hawke made her way to the center of the ballroom. She pulled out a bundle of arrows, almost half of her quiver and, replicating Varric's earlier move, sent them hurtling towards the ceiling. For the third time, arrows rained over the ballroom. The combatants were too focused on their enemy to notice they were turning into pincushions. Mahariel was the only one trying to duck the arrows – she backflipped towards the only clear spot in the room; right where Hawke was standing. Hawke, startled, turned around and sent another arrow whizzing over Mahariel's head.
"Hey! That was uncalled for!" Mahariel pouted. Her swords were crossed low in front of her, and she swept them towards Hawke, causing the human rogue to jump backwards. Hawke pulled something out of her pouch. The flask gleamed with a sickly green hue. Mahariel flicked it out of her hands, sending it flying towards Morrigan. It broke on Alistair's head, and he, Loghain, Anders, and Morrigan bent over heaving. Back in the center of the room, Mahariel whistled. As if out of nowhere, she was joined by Barkspawn, Ser Fluffy, and Ser Pounce-a-lot.
"Hey! Ser Fluffy's my mabari!" Hawke complained. She pulled an arrow out of her quiver, and attempted to stab the elf with it.
"Sic her." Mahariel said simply. Barkspawn leapt forward, Hawke kicked the dog, sending it sprawling. Ser Fluffy whined, unable to resist the ranger, but unwilling to attack his master. Mahariel sighed.
"Fine. You don't have to attack her." She glanced over Hawke's shoulder. "Hey look, Sebastian's starting to get up."
"Go get the Chantry boy, Ser Fluffy." Hawke said smiling. Ser Fluffly gave a happy bark, and jumped on top of the archer, pinning him back down to the ground.
"Mew?" Mahariel looked down at the small orange kitten.
"You are completely useless." She told the cat in no uncertain terms. The cat just licked its paws. The elf sighed. Hawke drew another arrow and aimed it Mahariel.
"Wait! We're supposed to be stopping this fight, not adding to it!" Mahariel waved her arms frantically. Hawke lowered her bow, and surveyed the room.
One side of the balcony was apparently covered in grease; Varric, Sigrun and Nathaniel were all having trouble moving. Where Velanna used to stand, there was now a small fire. Velanna herself was lighting Nathaniel's arrows on fire, and he was shooting them at Sigrun and Varric. Sigrun was trying to make her way to the two Grey Wardens, but kept slipping on her own trap, and Varric was busy firing bolts from Bianca. On the stairs, Shale and Oghren were trying to pummel each other into oblivion, but between Oghren's state of inebriation and the fact that Shale was made out of stone, they were getting nowhere. Anders and Morrigan had teamed up, trying to freeze and destroy Alistair and Loghain. Sten was still holding his own against Leliana, who kept dodging him at every opportunity. Aveline had recovered from Mahariel's blow and was at Sten's back, sword raised and ready to strike. Wynne had struggled free, and she and Bethany resumed their mage duel. Carver, Merrill, and Fenris were engaged in a three-way fight up in the balcony, Merrill covered in rock armor and trying to tangle Fenris and Carver up in viney mage growth. Barkspawn joined Ser Fluffy in sitting on Sebastian. As they watched, Isabela snuck up behind Morrigan and sliced through the top of her robe, leaving her back exposed, while Zevran stole Oghren's flask off of his belt.
"Mahariel, I think we've lost."
"You may be right. So what do we do now?"
"Let them fight? Eventually they'll stop. I hope."
"What about us?"
"I don't think we finished that bottle, did we? I think we should go take a look." Hawke nudged the elf's shoulder. A wide grin spread across Mahariel's face.
"That sounds like an excellent plan!" The elf chirped. Hawke drapped an arm over Mahariel's shoulder, and the two rogues sauntered out of the ballroom; the music of chaos slowly fading behind them.
Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who's read and reviewed this story; this whole thing started out as a silly idea, and I never thought that it would continue for so long, and I thank/blame all of you for that! I love the DA characters (except for one), and at some point I realized I just couldn't declare a single victor. I'm not quite done yet though; I still have an epilogue to do. Thanks to all of you, and I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it.