Chapter 8 – '…they took to their boats'
I couldn't sleep very much that night. I lay awake in the early hours of the morning, just lying still, letting my thoughts consume me. My mind was running wild and I couldn't seem to silence it. I had thoughts of my upcoming midterm floating around, realizing that it was happening today and I had been distracted with a certain someone. He dominated my thoughts though. Lying beside him, hearing his low, deep breaths as he slept, I began to realize that he wasn't staying here; he had to leave in less than 2 weeks. Having him leave was one of the hardest things I had to go through. It was the best feeling when he arrived; joy, happiness, excitement. But it was always clouded with knowing that it wouldn't last, he would have to leave one day soon and when he did, my heart would break all over again. It happened every time. My world would come crashing down around me as he walked out of my life, and I was left to pick up the shattered pieces.
I never cried though, I promised myself that. I wasn't going to turn into a sobbing idiot around a man that I wasn't even really committed to. Maybe that's why he thought I never had trouble letting him go and always joked about it.
He made fun of me saying, 'You don't care that much about me, do you? Never once shedding a tear for me huh?' If only he knew.
The alarm began to ring, and I got up slowly, not wanting to disturb the sleeping body beside me. I had to get my head together. I had to write a very serious midterm today and I had to do well. My scholarship depended on it. I attended university on an academic scholarship since my parents were not well off, and I had to maintain a certain grade point average to keep it. So this midterm had more riding on it than just a simple grade. It had my academic life riding on it.
I dragged my feet to the bathroom, turning on the hot water; letting the steam rise and fill the tiny space. I left my clothes on the floor, stepping into the heat, letting it wash over me. Maybe it would wash away my worries and let me find peace, even if only for a few minutes. Never in a million years did I think that having the guy I felt so much for, here with me, would cause so many problems. I guess I didn't think this arrangement of ours through very much. Maybe my instincts were right. Maybe I should have ended it? I stood under the hot water for what seemed like ages, letting it envelop me in its warm embrace.
I shook my head, trying to rid my head of all the doubts. Focus. I lathered up the shampoo and scrubbed. I scrubbed hard, thinking that maybe if I rubbed hard enough, all my thoughts would wash away and I could just be happy.
Walking out of the bathroom, almost half an hour later, I was pleased to find Harry awake, sitting up in my bed. He had my phone in his hand, pressing buttons and looking through it.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" I apologised reaching for some clothes from my closet.
"Kind of, but it's ok. I want to be awake when you're awake. I don't want to waste anytime sleeping" he replied in a flat manner not looking up from my phone, seeming preoccupied with something on the screen.
"What are you doing?" I asked trying to snatch away the phone from his clutches; quickly realising he was going through my personal things on my phone.
"Oh, are we trying to hide something on here?" he asked with a cheeky grin on his face.
"No, just it's mine, it's personal and you're going through it" I replied, still trying to get the phone away from him. This was useless, he was taller, and even sitting down, he could keep things out of my reach. So I devised a new plan. I would use my sexual wiles and get it back from him.
I crawled onto the bed, dropping my towel to the ground, leaving me only in my underwear. My hair was loose and damp, resting on my shoulders. I crawled seductively over to him, seeing his eyes widen at the sight of me approaching. He began to lower his arm, letting down his guard as I got closer. I traced my fingertips up his chest, moving closer and closer as I did so. He lowered his hand down, dropping the phone in the process, and reaching for my face with the same hand. I quickly snatched up the phone and jumped off the bed.
"HA" I yelled while making my way over to the closet. He remained silent for a moment, before getting up and walking over to me.
"Why are you so secretive about your phone?" he asked me, while resting his chin on my shoulder.
"Because it's mine, and it's private" I replied, not thinking twice about my answer. I was a private person, not letting many people in to the depths of my thoughts and soul. Harry was getting close though, and it scared me. I had to do something to prevent him from seeing my soul raw and naked. No one had ever seen that, and for now, no one would. I just don't know if I could handle it if he ever decided to leave me after exposing myself to him like that. So, for now, I kept it closed off, behind a blockade, safe from the outside.
"What are you trying to hide?" he asked in a demanding tone.
"What? Nothing. What are you talking about?" I replied while continuing to find some clothing for the day.
"I saw the names. I saw the numerous guys' names in your contact list" he stated.
"What were you doing going through my contact list Harry?" I turned facing him, looking him straight in the eyes.
"What's more important is why they are there? How many of them have you fucked?" he raised his voice at me, taking me back slightly. How could he ask me something like that?
"Wouldn't you like to know" I replied in a naughty tone, focusing my attention back to my closet.
He grabbed my arm hard, turning me around and pushing me up against the wall. I saw something in his eyes that I had never seen before. It was full of emotion, but it wasn't lust or want, it was anger. It scared me.
"I'm serious" he growled, "how many of them have you fucked?" he repeated the question, not letting me out of his hold. I couldn't believe he was asking me this. The audacity. He had no right. Never once did I ask him about the many conquests that he had back in England. I followed the agreement and now he was breaking it. I felt the anger inside me rise, and I broke free from his hold, walking into the middle of the room, turning my back to him.
"What does it matter Harry? I'm sure you've fucked other girls. I've read the stories Harry; your numerous one night stands all over England, the photographs of you with famous women. What does it matter what I do, or WHO I do when you're not around" I hissed back at him, wanting to hurt him slightly, for him to know what it feels like to want to be with someone, but they're with someone else.
There was a long silence. I could feel his eyes on my back, but I didn't dare turn around. I couldn't bear to look at him at the moment; it was too painful. So I stayed with my back to him, waiting for a response.
"You know what? You're right. It doesn't matter. I have been with tons of women back in England, and I HAVE fucked them. YOU made up the agreement between us, so I followed it" he spoke with hate in his voice.
With those few words, he managed to shatter my heart into a million pieces. My breath caught in my throat and I felt myself go weak. I wouldn't let him get the best of me. I willed myself not to cry as I felt the water rush to my eyes, but I couldn't stop a single tear from rolling down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away, not wanting him to see me break down. I took a deep breath and slowly turned to face him. He had a cocky grin on his face, and for the first time ever, I wanted to smack it off him. But I resisted.
I looked him straight in the eyes and told him slowly, "Exactly".
I quickly grabbed some clothing from my drawers and got dressed. Suddenly, being in the same room with him was too painful. For the first time in my life, I wanted him as far away from me as possible, back in England, so he couldn't hurt me anymore. I grabbed all my books and stuff for school, trying to focus on the fact that I had that midterm today, pushing the books into my bag. I slung the bag over my shoulder, and grabbed my keys. I made my way towards the door, but Harry was standing in the doorframe, blocking my path.
"Move" I said to him coldly.
"Where are you going?" he asked, with a slight worry in his voice.
"I have class to go to. You know the thing I attend everyday? It's called University. And unlike you, who doesn't have to worry about their academic career because you're in a band, I have to go and get my education so I can make a decent living in my career. Not all of us get to go around the world, gallivanting with different women every night without a care in the world" I stated, looking him straight in the eyes. I wanted to hurt him after how much he hurt me.
"Is that what you think of my career? That I just gallivant around without a worry in the world? That my career isn't as important as yours?" he said those words with so much pain in his voice.
"Well some of us have to actually work for our careers" I hissed back at him. "Now let me pass; I have to go, I'm already late. I don't have time for this" I said while pushing past him. He grabbed my forearm forcefully, bruising the skin lightly.
"What am I supposed to do?" he asked me.
"I don't care. Why don't you call up one of your many conquests and ask her over. You can even use my bed. Please, feel free" I spit back at him, pulling my arm from his hold.
I didn't even wait for him to reply, I stormed out of my room, down the hall, down the stairs and out the door. The cold air hit my face like a ton of bricks. The sharp sting of the air hit the back of my throat causing it to burn. I wrapped my self tightly in my jacket, dropping my head and making my way to school. I quickly wiped away another stray tear from my face and continued walking. How was I supposed to write a midterm now when my world had just come crashing down around me?