Chapter 9 – 'I thought it less like a lake…'
Today is the longest day of my life. The sun is shining on the cold November day, but all around me I feel a shade of grey. I dredge through my routine, playing the scene from this morning over and over again in my head. Every time I relive the entire argument, from how it started with innocent banter, to how it ended with me storming out, I feel sad, angry and most of all confused. I was usually the level-headed one, the one who could sit down and think things through, but with Harry, it was obviously different. All my rationale was flung out the window, and I was left lost, wandering through my feelings, not knowing what was right and what was wrong.
The day was long. I went to my classes, tried to pay attention, took some notes and just went on with my daily schedule. I had sat in the library for hours, doing my best to review the material for the midterm this evening. Just one hour before the actual test, I began to frantically search for my student ID card, not being able to find it. Where the hell could it be? I needed it to write the midterm, and right now, I was starting to panic. I completely emptied the contents of my bag, searching frantically through my belongings, willing it to be there. How could I be so stupid to misplace such an important thing? I know how, I had been preoccupied. I had been preoccupied with Harry. Damn it, I had let my guard down and now it was biting me in the ass.
The card was not in my bag, not in my jacket, and I hadn't seen it all day. Maybe I had left it at home? Agh, this meant I had to go home and check. I wasn't ready to do that, I wasn't ready to go back yet. But I had to. So I sucked it up, bundled up my jacket, picked up my bag and began to make my way back home.
The walk seemed short, but maybe it felt so short due to the fact that I wanted it to drag on forever, or at least until I was ready. Right now I felt like I would never be ready. What was I going to say when I saw him? Would I even say anything at all? Most importantly, what would he say? I had no idea what he was thinking, and now that we had a whole day to cool off, would things be different? Certain things were said, things meant to hurt one another, things that could never be taken back. We had crossed a line, and there was no turning back.
I made my way up the driveway, up the stairs and towards the door. I slowly unlocked the door, trying to make as little noise as possible. I don't know why I was trying to be so quiet; I guess it was just the apprehension inside me coming through my actions.
Only one of my housemates was home, but she was locked away in her room. She spent most of her time there, studying and doing God knows what. I looked around the living room and in towards the kitchen; no one was around, peace and quite filling the house. I left my keys by the door, dropped my book bag, and went up the stairs towards my room. The door was closed.
I walked up to the door, stopping in front of it, hesitation washing over me, as my hand hovered over the handle. I took a deep breath, knowing that I would have to face him eventually, but I just wish it didn't have to be right now. I finally summed up the courage and made contact with the cold metal. The handle squeaked quietly as I turned it slowly. I walked in, and it was empty. He wasn't here. I let out a small sigh of relief.
I got to looking for my student ID card immediately, rummaging through the stuff on my desk. HA, I found it, right there, on my desk. I turned around to leave and it suddenly hit me; where was he? Harry didn't know the city too well; he had only been here a few times. And where was all his stuff? I had noticed his bag was gone as I quickly swept the room with my eyes. Why was his stuff gone? Had he left? Had he left for home? Had he left ME? No, he couldn't, he wouldn't have. Then I remembered what I had said to him as I had stormed out of my room that morning. I had told him to leave in a sense, and now he had gone and done it. Oh God, what have I done? How could I have said that? I never meant it; I never meant any of the hurtful things I said to him. It was my stupid pride, my dumb fear that had made me close myself off to him and made me want to hurt him just as much as he hurt me. Now he was gone, and it was all my fault.
All I wanted to do at that moment was to run out of my house, jump into my car and search for him. I wanted to run after him, apologise for everything I had said, tell him how I feel and have him against me. But no, I couldn't. I had something very important to attend to in half an hour and I had to focus. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, I pushed all my thoughts and panic about him into the back of my mind, and made my way back to school.
While walking back to school, I couldn't help myself from starting to doubt my wants. I didn't want to run after him anymore. Not immediately at least. This had to be two-sided, and not just me apologising. I wasn't all at fault; he had played his role in the hurtful battle and had left his fair share of wounds. He shouldn't have just left.
As I sat in my chair, with my midterm paper in front of me, I chewed nervously on my pen. I did my best to focus on compounds, on reactions and other things related to organic chemistry, but every so often, my mind wandered. I had sat in the lecture hall for the full allotted time, partly to ensure I did well on the test by looking it over, but also partly due to the fact that I knew once I got up from my chair, and made my way out of the lecture hall, I would have to deal with the mess I called my life. Time was up; I got up, handed in my paper, and slowly made my way out of the room.
I got home half an hour later, deciding to walk around for a while, to possibly clear my thoughts. I went up to my room immediately and went straight to bed. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. My eyes began to feel heavy and I welcomed the rest. I lay on my bed, fully clothed, still in my jacket, when I fell asleep. I just wanted to forget the heartache, even if just for one night.
My peacefulness was cut short as I woke up; after only an hour or so of sleep. I managed just to lay there still for another hour, hoping that sleep would wash over me and I could return to the calm. But it was hopeless. How could I sleep when my mind was buzzing with questions and doubts? I had to see him, and I had to see where we stood. I was running back to him in a sense, even though I promised myself I would never let a guy run my life this way, but like I said before, this was different.
I got into my car and drove into the dark night. The city was alive with university students living their lives. Some were celebrating the end of midterm season; others were drowning their sorrows in pubs across the city, while I drove around, frantically searching my brain for where I could possibly find him. I tried calling him, although he never answered. The sound of his voice on his answering message made my breath catch in my throat. I had no idea what I was going to say to him, but I knew that I had to say something. If he was still even in the country, he wouldn't be here for much longer, and I didn't want him leaving without him knowing how I felt about him.
The first logical place I searched was the hotels around the city. Surprisingly enough, there weren't too many. I guess not too many people want to stay over night in Hamilton. Apart from the university, this city was best known for its steel refineries and its shady streets; nothing too appealing for tourists.
There were a total of three hotels in the city. I tried the first one, asking if a 'Harry Judd' had booked a room recently. I figured he didn't have to use any aliases while here in Canada, not many people knowing who he was. Nothing at the first hotel, but I found his booking at the second hotel.
"Can you tell me which room he is in?" I asked the receptionist, my face pink from the cold.
"No, I'm sorry, we cannot give out that kind of information" she replied coldly.
"Well, is there any way I can contact him?" I asked, getting rather desperate. If he was here, I had to talk to him. I had to go and see him.
"I can phone the room for you, let him know you're here and then work from there" she answered, in a slightly kinder tone, noticing my desperation.
"Please, that would be great. Thank you so much" I sighed in relief.
The receptionist proceeded to pick up the phone, punching in some numbers and standing in silence as the other end began to ring. It seemed like forever, me just standing there while I waited to hear something from him. The receptionist proceeded to put down the receiver, without speaking a word into it.
"I'm sorry, but he doesn't seem to be in. Would you like to leave a message?" she told me in a calm and soft voice.
Where was he? He booked a room and wasn't in? Was he avoiding me, not answering the phone? Or was he actually in the room, unable to answer the phone because he was preoccupied with something else, or should I say someone else? That thought alone, made me go weak, and had I not been in a lobby filled with people, I would have possibly broke down completely. But I didn't. I couldn't. I would not let him get the best of me.
"Yeah sure. Can you tell him I was here" I replied as I proceeded to tell her my name.
What was I going to do now? I couldn't just go home. I would drive myself crazy with worry. So I decided to stay.
"Mind if I just sit here in the lobby and wait for him?" I asked the receptionist.
"Sure. You can sit as long as you like. There are some couches over there" she said pointing to a set of soft brown leather couches.
I made my way over to the couches and took my place. I would wait. I would wait for him. I would sit here until he came back, or until he came down from his room. I just hoped that it wouldn't be too late for what we had; that I hadn't been stupid enough to push away a great guy.
I sat in that lobby for hours. 3 hours to be exact. It was nearing 2 o'clock in the morning and no sign of him. The lobby was empty, apart from the stray hotel occupant coming in from the cold, passing by me without glancing back. I was starting to get tired, I could feel my eyes closing as I sat on the couch. I rested my head in my hand and just continued to sit, closing my eyes slowly, unable to sit awake for a second longer. I was abruptly woken from my slumber by a loud laughing. I noticed the laugh. It was his. What was he so happy about? He didn't seem too upset at all. I looked at my watch, 2:26 a.m. Beautiful. I was here, completely heartbroken, waiting for him, while he was out until the late hours of the morning having a gay old time. I guess I meant less to him that I thought. Here comes the pain again, the little but sharp pang in my chest.
Then I heard it; a female laugh. A cackle almost. He wasn't alone. He was with someone, and a woman for that matter. How could he do this to me? He had already moved on and he didn't even waste a day. I looked up and saw him standing by the door, with his arm slung over her shoulders as she whispered something into his ear, to which he broke into a loud laugh. I felt the tears sting my eyes, but I pulled them back. I was not going to waste my tears on him. No more. He wasn't worth it. He didn't want me and he made that perfectly clear. I had to get out of that lobby; I didn't want to see him. I quickly picked up my jacket, throwing it over my shoulders, pulling the hood up over my head, trying to shield my face. There was only one door, and he was right by it. I had to get past him without him seeing me. So I made a dash for it. I began to walk quickly, hanging my head, focusing on the floor. I neared him and his female companion, the air suddenly filled with cheap perfume. He began to laugh again, and this time I was sure I was going to break down. I kept moving, almost in a jog, unable to get out of there fast enough. I passed him, almost brushing his shoulder on the way out. He didn't seem to notice, too preoccupied with his new conquest. I pushed through the revolving door, bursting out into the cold night. I stopped, taking a deep breath, trying to hold it together, willing myself not to cry.
I ran to my car that was parked in front of the hotel, frantically searching for my car keys. Why was it that when I wanted to make a great escape I could never find my keys? I suddenly felt a hand grab me by the shoulder and whip me around. I let out a loud scream as I began to shake. Then I was faced with my attacker and it was him. He stood in front of me, his stare burning into my eyes. I just stood there, catching my breath, unable to speak.
"What are you doing here?" he asked with disbelief in his voice.
"Nothing" I replied, "I was just leaving".
I made my attempt at turning around, just wanting to get into my car, to drive away, far away from all of this. But he turned me back around.
"Bullshit. Why the hell are you here?" He growled at me.
Should I just tell him? Tell him that I came here to get him back? To apologise to him for what I said? I came here to be with him. But that all changed when I saw him walk into the hotel lobby with that hussy. I didn't want to see him, and now that he was right in front of me, I fought every urge just to smack him across the face.
"Nothing. I came here initially to tell you I was sorry, but I can see that you're busy, so I'll leave you to it" I answered, not once breaking eye contact.
We stood there in silence, his hand still firmly grasping my upper arm. He then lifted his free hand to my free arm, grabbing my other side, and he pulled me in. He slammed his lips against mine and began to kiss me roughly. For a moment, it felt so good just to taste him again, but I was abruptly snapped back to reality, remembering the girl waiting for him inside. I lifted my arms from my side and placed them on his chest pushing him away from me violently.
"What the hell?" he asked in complete shock.
"Stop it Harry" I spat at him turning towards my car door again, putting my keys into the lock.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" he yelled at me, as my back was turned to him.
"What's wrong with me? You're one to talk" I replied with slight amazement. Wrong with me? He had some nerve.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" He screamed at me.
"Why don't you just go back to your girl Harry? She seems to be lonely" I said in a flat tone, noticing the reflection of his conquest in my window, her just staring at us arguing outside.
"YOU came HERE remember? You said that you came here to apologise to me, so I kissed you. That was me forgiving you" he said a little quieter.
I fell silent. He had forgiven me for what I said, but how was I going to forgive him now for what he's done. He moved on so fast, not even a full day and he was already over me.
"Yeah well, when I saw you were busy with that bitch, I suddenly had a change of heart. I'm not sorry Harry. Everything I said this morning has been building up inside me ever since we started. I knew my instincts were right, I should have listened to them" I thought out loud, instantly regretting it a little. But truthfully, he had to hear it. He was only around me for the good times, for him I guess this was perfect, but for me, there were more imperfections than perfection.
I had stopped trying to unlock my car door. I just stood there, at my car, with my back to him, letting all my emotions spill out into the cold night. It was like a flood, the cracks in my protection growing weaker by the minute. He stepped closer to me; I could feel his breath on my neck.
"And what instincts were those" he said, his voice full of hate.
"Nothing. I have to go Harry. Please, I have to go" I said begging him to let me go.
"No, answer my fucking question. What fucking instincts was that?" he spit at me.
"Nothing" I answered quietly, hanging my head.
He grabbed my shoulder, whipping me around to face him. He clutched my face forcefully, pulling it up to meet his eyes.
"Answer my question" he stated again.
My eyes met his, and I had never seen him like this. It scared me. I didn't like this side of him and at that moment, he was not the Harry that I knew. His eyes were narrowed, his teeth clenched and his lips motionless. He just stared into me, with a tight hold on my shoulders. I couldn't bear to look at him, and for the first time, I let him see a single tear escape my eyes.
"We should have ended it back in the summer" I said in almost a whisper.
He let go of me, leaving me feeling heavy, almost unable to hold myself up. He stepped back, keeping his eyes on the pavement. He put his hands in his pockets and stood in silence. It wasn't a peaceful silence though, but almost as if everything inside him was building up, ready to explode. He brought his head up slowly, looking me dead in the eyes, and he spoke with such loathing that I felt my heart stop.
"Then why the hell did you stay with me? Why did you make up that stupid agreement?"
This was it. I had to tell him. I had to let him know just how much I had sacrificed, how much this arrangement had hurt me, and just how much HE had hurt me. I was going to tell him and there was no turning back. I summed up all my courage and brought my head up, meeting his stare.
"Because I liked you Harry. I liked you a lot, and I just wasn't ready to let it all end when it had only just begun" I spoke sternly, not letting my voice waiver as the emotions swept through me. He didn't say anything, he just stared at me, so I continued.
"But I knew that you were famous and that you had tons of girls throwing themselves at you. I knew that me being thousands of kilometres away and you being in the spotlight, it would be impossible for you to remain faithful. I had my life here and you had your life there, so I made it easy for you. I thought that if I can't have all of you, I could at least have a part of you" I spoke, doing my best to hold back the tears. He continued to stand there in silence.
"But I was stupid. I thought that you could change for me; that I could have been enough for you. That what we had, even though it was unconventional, would have been enough. But it wasn't, and that broke my heart Harry. You broke my fucking heart. You continued to sleep with other women Harry, and you didn't even try to hide it from me" I said, the sadness subsiding, being replaced with anger.
"You're such a hypocrite. I wasn't the only one who was unfaithful. You slept with other guys. You have all their numbers in your phone for Christ's sake. But the difference between me and you was that the women I slept with, which were two by the way, meant absolutely nothing to me. They happened for one night each, in our first month, when I had no idea where this was going. Nothing afterwards. Unlike you who acts like a fucking slut, sleeping with numerous guys, and when I brought it up, you just flaunted it in my face, thinking it had no effect on me.
I couldn't believe what he was saying. He didn't know anything. He had no idea what really happened when he was away, how much of a mess I was when he left. He called me a slut, shattering my heart in the process. How could someone that I felt so much for, cause me so much pain? I just stood there, speechless, unable to move.
"So how many of them did you sleep with huh? How many of them did you fuck?" he spat at me with venom in his voice.
He was getting closer; I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I suddenly became conscious of the fact that we were outside, and innocent passers-by were starting to stare. We were making a scene and everyone was watching. I dropped my head, unable to look at him anymore.
"Don't look away you slut, tell me. How many of them did you fuck? I want to know" he yelled again, not caring that people were starting to gather around, watching as my life came crashing down around me.
"It doesn't matter" I whispered.
"The hell it doesn't. I want to know. How many of them did you fuck?" he repeated.
I couldn't take it anymore. He was accusing me of something that seemed so dirty, so wrong that it made me sick. What hurt me even more was that he believed that I actually did it; that I was that person. He thought that I was a slut.
"None" I said.
"What?" he asked pulling my face towards his.
"None Harry. None of them. I didn't sleep with any of them. I haven't slept with anyone but you. Just you. It's always been you" I screamed in his face.
"What? But you said… and then you… what… why?" he blurted out, unable to form a complete sentence.
"Because Harry I had fallen for you, I had fallen hard and I didn't need anyone else. I didn't want anyone else. I only wanted to be with you. Always. I lov…" I couldn't finish my sentence, the tears were starting to form and my voice began to choke. I couldn't say it, he didn't deserve it. I turned around, unlocked the door, and got in. The engine started loudly and I sped off into the cold night, leaving him there alone. For the first time in so many years, I let myself cry.