Chapter 11 – 'The rhythm of my footsteps…'
The next morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. Getting out of bed meant having to go downstairs and facing him. After everything that was said over the last couple of days, everything that happened last night, we were different. Everything seemed different. But I couldn't avoid him forever, he was in my house and I wasn't going to hide up in my room all day. So I did what I had to do. I got up, took a quick shower and got dressed. I made my way down the stairs, only the sound of my footsteps filling the house. Everyone was still asleep; it was only 7am after all.
Walking through the hallway, past the living room, I stopped. He was still asleep, laying there peacefully, deep in slumber. I looked at his face; it was contorted slightly, with a painful expression on it. His eyes were shut lightly, fluttering slightly every once in a while. His mouth was curled down faintly, deep breaths escaping his lips. Just looking at him I knew my feelings for him were still there. They were still very strong, but they were buried now; they were buried under my feelings of hurt and betrayal. I had to work past it though, because at that moment I realized it would be harder to live my life without him in it. But it would take time to let him back in, and if what he said was true, I hope he is willing to wait for me.
I snapped back from my staring and went into the kitchen. I was famished; not having eaten much the day before, too preoccupied with other things. I opened the fridge, pulling out orange juice and some bread. I just wanted some toast, nothing too big, feeling slightly sick to my stomach. As I was buttering the toast, I heard the floor creak by the door to the kitchen. I didn't dare turn around, hoping that it wasn't him.
"Hey" I heard the figure speak. It was Sapna. Thank God.
"Hi" I replied.
"So, I see that Harry's back. You do know he's sleeping on the couch right?" she asked, laughing slightly, seeing the whole situation as absurd.
"Yeah I know" I told her coldly.
"Why is he there? You two are usually at it like rabbits. Did something happen" she asked.
She already knew the answer, but she didn't want to seem intrusive. She knew that I would tell her in my own time, and this was her way of letting me know that she was ready to listen.
"Yeah it did, and you knew that" I said while making my way over to the table with my breakfast.
"Yeah I did, sorry, but I didn't want to push you".
"Yeah I know, and thank you for that", I said looking at her, while taking a bite of my breakfast.
There was a long silence. I sat there eating my toast, drinking my juice, while she just sat looking at her hands.
"So do you want to talk about it" she asked me, breaking the calm in the room.
I let out a long sigh, putting down my toast and wiping my hands on the napkin. I could sense the over-whelming feeling washing over me again, the one where I couldn't control the tears and the things that came out of my mouth.
"He left Sapna" I said, looking down at my hands.
"I know. I was here, but he's here now" she told me soothingly, rubbing her hand around in circles on my back.
"You don't understand. He left. He left me. We had an argument about out agreement…"
"Stupid agreement" I heard her mumble under her breath, interrupting me.
"I know, I know, stupid agreement, but nonetheless, we had an argument and he left. I went after him that night Sapna, and I found him, but he wasn't alone. He had run into the arms of another woman on the same day that he left me" I said through silent tears.
"Shh, it's ok" she said trying to calm me down. "But why is he here now then?" she asked all confused.
"Because, he came to get me back last night. He told me he loved me", I replied.
"Oh", was all that left her mouth.
"Sapna, I said some things that night when I went to find him. I told him how I felt about him and how much I wanted to be with him" I told her quietly.
"And what happened?" she asked.
"Nothing. I left and he didn't come after me" I said, dropping my head.
"And if I could take that back I would" I heard a low voice say. I looked up and saw him standing in the doorway. I began to shake nervously, Sapna dropping her arm from around me.
There was an awkward silence that filled the kitchen. I didn't dare look up; I just sat with my head hanging, focusing on the hem of my shirt as I fiddled with it. I felt Sapna shift beside me, getting up slowly from her spot on the chair.
"I'll just go upstairs" she said, leaving us in complete silence.
He just stood there at the door, across the kitchen from me. He breathed in deeply, sighing as he exhaled. He began to shuffle across the tile floor, dragging his feet along the way. I looked up at him, taking in his image. His clothes were wrinkled, hanging limply off his body. His hair was messy, but it still looked amazing. His face was drawn, pale with dark circles under his eyes. He looked like death, and it was because of me. I felt slightly guilty for causing him so much pain, but at the same time I felt a little reprieved, knowing that he had suffered a little after causing me to suffer as well.
It was too awkward between us. Normally we had no problems talking to each other, but now each word spoken between us felt like a battle, carrying the weight of the possible destruction of our fragile existence with it.
"Good morning" he said quietly, not knowing where to start.
"Morning", I replied, focusing back onto the food in front of me.
"I meant what I said" he stated in a low whisper.
"I know" I responded. "But you can't change it".
"I know" he said sounding defeated.
I got up, taking my plate with me, my appetite leaving me. He was leaning against the counter by the sink and I made my way over to it, placing my plate in the sink. He cringed slightly at the loud clank of the dish hitting the metal sink basin. I looked up, noticing him in a lot of pain. I guess he drank more than I thought he had. He was feeling the after-effects of the alcohol and he looked the part.
I brushed past him, shivering slightly as we touched, and opened the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water. I then walked over to one of the cabinets, standing on my tip-toes to reach the high shelf, taking the bottle of Advil. While making my way around the kitchen, I could feel his stare burning into me. He intently watched my every move, his eyes following me as I made my way around.
I finally turned to him; with a bottle of water in one hand and the Advil bottle in the other. Thrusting my hands towards him, he took them from me.
"Here. Take two of these", I instructed, turning my back to him, continuing to do my task in the kitchen.
"Thanks", he croaked back, unscrewing the top of the bottle and shaking two caplets out. I could hear him gulp as he downed the bottle of water.
"Would you like some toast for breakfast, or something else?" I asked, pulling out the bag of bread, and popping two pieces into the toaster.
"Toast is fine" he replied, leaning back against the counter.
I continued to keep myself busy with preparing the toast, walking over to the fridge, taking out the butter, grabbing another glass, pouring some juice, and spreading the butter on the toast. I kept my eyes down, avoiding his gaze as I walked past him several times.
I placed his food on a plate and carried it over to the table, putting it down quietly, trying not to make any unnecessary noise. I turned back around and saw him making his way over. I went to sit down, but felt his hand on my shoulder hesitantly. I froze.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" he asked softly.
"Because" I said. I didn't really know why I was doing this, I just was.
"You don't have to. You have every right to be upset, and like I said last night, I will wait for you to forgive me" he spoke with such tenderness, that I felt my knees go weak.
I sat down, motioning for him to do the same.
"I know I don't have to, but I want to" I replied, being taken back by my own answer. I guess Harry was shocked as well, because I heard him cough sharply as he choked slightly on his toast.
"But why? Last night you told me you couldn't" he asked, dropping his voice when he brought up the previous night's events.
"I know, and I still can't, not fully just yet, but I can't bear being anything but caring towards you" I said, letting all my emotions out yet again. I couldn't believe I was risking it all again, after being hurt so badly the last time I did, not so long ago.
He got up out of his chair and rushed to my side. He placed his arm around me and pulled me in close.
"No, stop Harry", I pulled out of his arms and stood up.
"But", he protested.
"I wanted this to work" I whispered, dropping my head again.
"So do I, and we still can", he pleaded, looking me straight in the eyes.
"I…I… don't…", I couldn't seem to get any words out. Here it was happening again, I had so much to say, yet everything was stuck in my throat.
"Please, don't say that", he said, getting up and grabbing my hand.
He held it ever so gently, stroking the back of it with his thumb. He placed his finger under my chin and lifted it slowly, bringing my eyes in contact with his stare. He then slowly, allowing me time to pull away, brought his face closer to mine, placing his lips so softly on mine and kissed me. I didn't pull away, I couldn't. He continued to have a way with me, and now I was becoming exactly what I had promised myself I would never become; I was forgiving someone who had hurt me badly, and I was forgiving him too quickly.
With all these thoughts rushing through my head, I almost missed how good it felt to kiss him again. It had only been two and a half days since we had our falling out, but I had undoubtedly missed him. I pulled out of the kiss and stepped back. Silent tears were running down my cheeks and I wiped them away furiously, not really wanting him to see me any more broken. There was a long silence, neither one of us knowing what to say.
"Listen, I have to go to work", I stated, glancing towards the door of the kitchen.
"Oh", was all that escaped his mouth. "Well, I'll be out of here in a few minutes, I'll just get my stuff…" he began, not once looking at me.
"No", I said, grabbing his arm gently. "You don't have to leave, you can just stay here" I said, shocking myself slightly.
"But, I thought…" he started to say.
"I know. I know what I said, but I want you to stay", I whispered.
Harry didn't say anything, he just stood there, and my hand was still on his arm. Suddenly feeling self-conscious, I dropped my hand from his arm and started fiddling with the hem of my shirt again.
"Well in that case, I will", he said softly.
I couldn't help the smile that crept up on my face, but I quickly wiped it off and turned around, making my way for the door.
"Wait, you really have to work on a Sunday afternoon?" he asked me in disbelief.
I chuckled under my breath and turned around.
"Yeah, I do".
"Well, ok. But you do know I'll still be here when you get back" he said, with apprehension in his voice.
"I'm glad", I stated and I left the kitchen, making my way upstairs to get ready for work. Things were slowly getting better between Harry and I, but there was still that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just couldn't shake.