Chapter 12 – '…crossing flood lands…'

Work was long. I worked in Toronto, answering phones for a 24 hour service. It was a good job; good pay, easy hours, and it gave me a lot of time to do my schoolwork. I was distracted the whole time while at work; the phone calls were a blur and the time passed far too quickly. I didn't get as much work done as I would have hoped, but that was inevitable. I wasn't getting as much work done lately all together come to think of it. But I knew why.

The countdown had begun. Harry was only going to be here for another 10 days, and I wanted to make the most of it. We had already wasted too much time, and I wanted things to get back to the way they were. I wanted to be happy to see him; I wanted to want him as much as I had before. But there was that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just couldn't ignore. Would I be able to put everything that happened and everything that was said behind me? Would I be able to really forgive him? Right now, it seemed impossible; but something inside me really wanted to, so that had to be a sign right? Things would be different now, but maybe it would be for the better.

Driving back home on the highway, at midnight, was soothing. I loved to drive; just driving around at night as the lights flickered past me was comforting. It made all the hurt and crap that was going on in my life seem like a million miles away. So I drove; I drove fast and long.

The drive from Toronto to Hamilton was about an hour long, so when I pulled up into my driveway at around 1am, I figured everyone would be asleep. I was tired; not sleeping well for three nights had run its toll on me. I was going to sleep well tonight, knowing that all was not lost between Harry and me, and eventually, hopefully, things would get better.

I didn't even bother taking off my jacket, walking up the stairs heavily as each step seemed higher and steeper. I walked to my room, opening the door quietly, and headed straight for the closet. I began to undress, wanting to just crawl into my warm bed. Tomorrow was going to be a heavy day; I had to finally really face Harry and put everything out in the open.

"I know I've seen you naked before, but do you give a peep-show to everyone that sits in your room?" I heard a low voice speak.

"Shit!" I screamed.

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of his voice, and quickly pulled a shirt up to my chest, covering my nakedness. I was turning red again; the blood rushing furiously to my face. I was trembling and trying to catch my breath.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" he spoke more softly this time, from his sitting position on my bed.

"What are you doing up here?" I asked him confused. It was a little weird seeing him on my bed again. It had seemed like a lifetime had passed since the last time we were here together.

"Oh. Sorry. Everyone went to bed, and I felt awkward sitting downstairs in your house, so I came up here. Figured I could wait for you here" he explained, getting up off the bed, suddenly seeming uncomfortable.

"Oh" was all I said.

This was so weird. What were we now? Should he be up in my room? Should he be sitting on my bed like that? Should I be standing in front of him without a top on? OH SHT! I was still standing here, shameless, covering my chest with only a t-shirt. I felt the blood rush to my face yet again and I turned around quickly.

"Can you turn around for a second" I asked him quietly.

"Seriously?" he asked in disbelief.

I looked over my shoulder, and for the first time since entering the room I caught his gaze.

"Yes" was all I said turning my head back around.

"I've seen you with even less on" he mumbled under his breath, but I caught every word.

"Harry, please, just do it" I said a little more forcefully this time, not even looking back.

He just sighed in frustration and I heard him shuffle as he turned his back to me. I quickly slid the shirt over my head and turned to face him.

"Done" I stated as I made my way over to my desk.

There was that silence again, awkward as ever. It just seemed to creep up on us nowadays, and it was unbearable. He was the first to break the silence, and I was grateful.

"So how was work?"

"Long and boring" I replied, not really knowing what else to say.

Normally, I would give him a long answer, telling him about what happened with my co-workers or joke about some of the phone calls I got, but now it just seemed inappropriate. Were we ready to joke about things again? Initially, that's all we did. We were never serious in the beginning of our 'courtship' you could say; and that's what drew me to him, his sense of humour and how happy I felt around him. It was all too serious now, and I just wanted to go back to how we were in the beginning. But I had messed up from the beginning, we both had, and now I was facing the consequences.

I was never going to forget what happened these past couple of days, I don't think it would have been healthy to, but maybe I could move past it? I wanted to, but like I said before, there was something holding me back, and I couldn't ignore it.

"So", he spoke again.

"What were you up to?" I asked, genuinely curious as to what he had done while I was gone.

"Nothing really. I took a shower, I hope you don't mind, and then I watched some TV" he answered.

"I don't mind. I told you you could stay, and I have to say, you didn't look or smell so great this morning, so I'd say you made the right choice" I joked hesitantly, hoping that it really wasn't too soon.

"Oh well thanks, you're too kind" he answered through quiet laughter.

Relief washed over me. He responded to my joke, and a little normalcy was restored to this situation.

"I went to get some pizza for us earlier in the night; I thought you would have been home earlier. I gave it your housemates later on when they told me you worked until midnight" he told me.

"That was really nice of you Harry" I said, letting out a soft sigh.

"Anyways, I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you're tired and want to go to bed. It's ok if I sleep on the couch again right?" he asked, heading towards the door.

"Right" I answered in a low whisper.

"Right" he sighed out defeated, grabbing for the handle.

He was being kind, slow and understanding. He was waiting like he promised; breaking my heart, yet making it flutter with hope all at the same time. My sweet Harry was back and I was glad. Suddenly, this feeling built up in my stomach and pushed me to my feet, running towards the door as he was just about to close it behind him.

"I'm still hungry" I said to him, causing him to turn around quickly.

"Always thinking with your stomach now aren't you?" he said jokingly.

"And that's why you love me" I said abruptly, stopping immediately, realizing just what I had said.

I dropped my head quickly, and backed away from the door. Thoughts were rushing through my head, thinking of a way I could get myself out of this. I hadn't meant to say it, it just slipped out; it was an expression, people said it all the time. In this situation however, it was different; this simple phrase carried the weight of the world on it, and I had just blew it by blurting it out.

I didn't dare look at Harry, unable to bear to see the expression on his face. I had told him to wait, and here I was rushing back into things. I really didn't mean to say it. I was finally coming to terms with the way things were going, but now it was too late. I couldn't take back what I had said. I kept backing up, it seemed like forever, willing for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

I felt a pair of strong arms catch my shoulders as I started to fall back. I looked up at him and his blue eyes were staring intently into my own. I quickly looked away, feeling slightly uncomfortable under his gaze. I held my breath, waiting for him to speak, fearing what might be carried with his words. I wanted him to say something, to break this awkward silence, but also to not say a word all at the same time.

"I do" he whispered softly, pulling me back up into a standing position.

My heart stopped and my breath caught in my throat. He was saying exactly what I wanted to hear, everything a girl would ever want, but I just couldn't say it back. It was all too soon and too fast again. Had I really forgotten about the hurt of the last couple of days? I was falling back into his arms and I knew that if I did too quickly, I would hate myself for it.

I cleared my throat and straightened my clothing, pulling out of his hold. I turned around and headed for the door. He didn't follow me.

"I'm still hungry, how about that food you promised me Judd?" I said trying to sound as nothing had just happened, not daring to look back in case he saw right through me.

"Oh yeah", he said pausing shortly as he exhaled deeply, "of course. How could I forget?" he finished.

"I think you owe me dessert now to make up for it" I mentioned in passing, hoping that we could put that little scene from my room behind us.

"Of course, anything you want" he said a little more cheerfully. "Although, I don't know what is going to be open at this hour of the night in Hamilton" he said with a low laugh.

"I'm sure we could find something" I stated, grabbing my keys from the table and making my way out of the house, Harry following me. He made his way to my car, as I locked the door. I turned around and saw Harry standing at the driver's side. I was confused for a second and then remembered HIS car.

"So you want to drive Judd?" I asked teasingly.

"What?" he asked, shooting his head up looking baffled.

"This is my side" I said walking up to the driver's side, shoving him lightly away from the door.

"Oh, shit, sorry. Right, you guys drive on the WRONG side of the road don't you now?" he answered, finally clicking in to the situation.

"Us and the rest of the world then I suppose", I answered, unlocking the door. He laughed in a low tone.

He began to make his way over to the other side, grabbing the handle. He got in, looked at me and gave me a soft smile. I couldn't help but smile back. I started up the car and shift into first gear. As we made our way down the road towards the convenience store, the only thing open at this time of the night, I kept stealing glances of him, feeling myself heat up every time I did. If I had doubted my feelings for him at any point, thinking I had lost them, this was reaffirmation that they were still there. He still made me blush when I looked at him, and when he smiled at me; I couldn't help but smile back. Now I just had to deal with the nagging in my head, telling me, if it happened once, what is stopping it from happening again?