Chapter 13 – '…to your door…'

Harry had bought me ice-cream, as promised, and we ended up just sitting in my car, in the convenience store parking lot, as I finished my dessert. The conversation wasn't completely awkward, just slight patches of hesitance, which I did my best to steer clear of. Not much had changed in my life during our falling out, so we mostly just talked about him. Since his arrival, we hadn't had a chance to really catch up, so he filled me in on things that were going on with his band, his family etc; his life without me. It was painful at times to hear about the great things he got to experience in his other life, but I knew that I couldn't change that, and I just had to accept that. What mattered was he was here now.

Then it hit me, he wouldn't be here for much longer. We had wasted three precious days with our stupid argument but at the same time, I was happy that it had happened; bringing all my doubts out into the open. At least they were out in the open now; I didn't have to pretend with being ok when Harry leaves. But yet again, there was that nagging, lodged permanently in my head, tapping lightly every time I wanted to forgive him fully.

"Hey, am I boring you or something?" I heard Harry's voice, breaking my train of thought, while his hand waved slowly in front of my face.

I must have stopped responding to his story when I got lost in my own thoughts.

"Shit sorry, no, I just… uh… never mind. Sorry, what were you saying?" I asked, trying to focus in on the conversation, and not on my own paranoia.

"Where were you just now?" he asked me.

"Oh no… what? What do you mean?" I responded, trying to take the attention off of me.

"You seemed like you were a million miles away, you looked sad, what were you thinking about?" he asked me, gently touching his hand to mine, sending shivers all the way up my arm.

"Nowhere, so you were saying…" I answered, persisting to keep the topic off me. I had already thought about myself too much lately, so I just wanted to keep my mind busy.

"You know, you're such a bad liar" he chuckled lightly.

"What? What do you mean?" I asked, shocked a little.

"Well first of all, when you lie you go a slight shade of pink, which isn't really all that abnormal for you but…", he stated.

"Hey!", I protested.

"Aw, but I think it's cute", he said, making the heat rise to my face yet again, as he put his hand to my cheek.

I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable, that nagging voice reappearing in my head. I shrugged off his touch, and leaned back a little in the seat, realizing just how close we were sitting. He looked a little hurt that I had pulled away, but he didn't seriously think I was going to let him back in so quickly did he? There was that awkward silence again. It was moments like these I wish I could curl up into a little ball and disappear.

"…and you have melted ice-cream all over the front of your jacket", he broke the silence, lightening the mood immediately.

"Oh, shit, shit , shit" I cursed.

I quickly threw the rest of the cone out the window, and began to clean up the mess that was once my jacket. I was getting melted ice cream all over my hands, it was just spreading everywhere. Harry had jumped out of the car to run and get some napkins from the store. He was back within moments, and was helping me clean it up. My hair was all over my face; I was trying not to get any melted ice cream on my face as I swept the hair from my eyes with the back of my hand. I must've been unsuccessful, because when we were finished cleaning up; Harry just stared at me and laughed.

"What?" I asked, wiping my face furiously, trying to get rid of the mess.

"You just look so adorable", he sighed, a soft grin breaking onto his face.

I dropped my head. He was being so sweet. It was hard to be upset with him, let alone to try and keep my hands off him. He was just being everything a girl wanted, and damn him, it was what I wanted. We had to have the talk. It was inevitable. And what better time was it to have this serious conversation than at 1:30 in the morning in a convenience store parking lot?

"Listen Harry…", I spoke, not lifting my head.

I heard him sigh heavily, but I continued on.

"We're going to have to talk about it eventually. If you want this to work…"

"I do" he interrupted me, grabbing my hand gently. I paused, getting caught off guard by his touch.

"Me too. I really do, but it was too hard for me before Harry, way too hard. I can't go back to that", I said, finally putting into words what I had been feeling for months.

He put his finger under my chin, pulling it up gently so my eyes met his. We just stared at each other for a moment, neither one of us wanting to break the first comfortable silence we had experienced in a while. He began to caress my jaw line with his thumb ever so gently, making me weak all over. I could feel his breath dance across my face, we were getting closer. My heart was starting to race, breathing becoming erratic.

"Harry, stop" I said quietly.

"But why?" he asked, pulling back, dropping his hand from my face.

"You have no idea of the effect you have on me…" I start to say.

"You drive me crazy" he interrupted again, "but in the best way possible".

Here he went again; being all sweet and caring, making me swoon with his words. My heart flutters, and increases in speed as it races away with my emotions. I couldn't help it any longer, at that moment, knowing how much he wanted me and how much I clearly still wanted him; I let myself indulge, just for a moment.

I leaned across the seat and placed my lips upon his as my hand caught his face. He responded immediately, massaging his lips against mine, tasting him as his tongue swept across my lip. He grabbed me by the waist, lifting me up further across the seat, closer to him. The heat in the car began to rise as the tension between us was finally cut. He brought his hand to the back of my head, pushing me in further, the pressure on my lips so strong yet appropriate. I wanted to be so close to him, being unable to just kiss him for three days was unbearable, and now I was realizing just how much I missed this. I pushed into him forcefully one last time, savouring his taste as I pulled away breathless. His hand still firmly on the back of my head, he went to pull me in again, but I resisted.

"No, don't pull away" he whispered into my lips.

"I'm sorry Harry, I shouldn't have done that, but I couldn't help myself", I explained.

"It's quite alright", he smirked, "I don't mind you doing it again".

"But see, that's what I mean Harry, this is the effect you have on me" I said sadly, looking down as I slid back into my seat.

"And what is so wrong with wanting to kiss me?" he asked sarcastically.

"Nothing; but now, I should want to hit you, scream at you, hate you, but I can't. I can't help but have feelings for you, strong ones and it scares me" I tell him, expressing how much I have fallen for him for the first time.

And yet again, that uncomfortable silence crept up on us and filled the car. I had put my feelings on the proverbial table, and I had left it up to him. I was hoping that despite how distant I was, he still reciprocated my feelings.

"You're right", he said, "you should hate me, and want to yell and hit me, and I feel guilty that you're not. You have been amazing with all of this, handling it better than anyone could, and it makes me so grateful to be with such a great person".

"Stop Harry, you're always saying these great things, and it makes me not want to say exactly what I'm dying to tell you", I said in a low tone.

"But it's the truth" he stated a little more hopefully.

"Stop. We have to discuss this, and we can't just dance around the fact that you ran into the arms of another woman Harry. I can't get angry at you about sleeping with those other women while you were in England, even though it completely broke my heart, but when you decided to find comfort in the arms of that hussy at the hotel, you crossed the line", I said, the anger rising slightly in my voice.

I didn't know where this anger was coming from, but I welcomed it. It made me feel stronger, more resistant to his charm and maybe, possibly, it gave me a chance at saying what I really wanted to say.

"I know" he spoke in a low, defeated tone.

He wasn't even objecting. He didn't want to explain or plead his case; not that I really wanted to hear why he decided to go and be with another woman.

"Is that all you have to say?" I protested.

"What do you want me to say?" he snapped back at me, setting me back.

"I want to know why? I want to know why you went to another woman", I hissed, the anger now at full strength, having been pent up for days.

"What does it matter? You'll only get angry at me either way", he replied.

"Yes, it does matter. If you even want to get past this, I have to know why! I have to know why I wasn't enough for you!" I spat at him, finding myself breathing slightly harder than before.

"That wasn't it" he answered, his anger subsiding to some extent as his voice dropped.

"Then what was it? What was it that drove you to her?"

"I thought I had lost one of the best things in my life, so I got plastered. When you stormed out like that, I thought it was over. I had never, ever, seen you like that and it scared me. I was sure I had lost you" he whispered.

"So you didn't even want to fight for me? To try and get me back?" We had ONE fight and you fled". I was getting even more and more angry. Was this supposed to be convincing me to forgive him? He was digging himself a grave; deeper and deeper with every word he said.

"I know, I'm stupid, and like I said this morning, if I could change it, I would. I would have stopped you from leaving, told you how stupid I was for getting jealous and doubting your feelings for me. I would have kissed you and hung onto you, showing you just how much I cared for you and wanted to be with you" he said with so much emotion that my whole body went limp.

My anger subsided almost immediately. There he went again with his charm and his way with words. But this time, he was being genuine, and I had to accept that he really didn't have an answer for his actions.

"But you didn't", I stated.

"I know", he said.

We sat in silence again for what seemed like ages. What were we going to do now? What were we going to be?

"I want to be with you Harry" I said, breaking the silence.

"I want to be with you too", he said looking at me with hope in his eyes.

"But, I want to be the only one. I can't handle you being with other women, it breaks my heart. It's just too hard. And I know that you being in England and me being here will be hard, but if you're willing to do this, so am I and… hmph…"

I was cut off mid sentence by his lips crashing on to mine. He grabbed my face with both his hands and kissed be so tenderly that I could feel the emotion come through that one kiss. It was soft, sweet and short. He pulled away from my face, leaving me speechless.

"I want to try", he said, his hands still cupping my face.

"You sure you can keep it in your pants Judd?" I joked, breaking the serious tension in the car.

"Well I may have to call you for the occasional transatlantic booty call" he smirked, pecking my lips quickly, and then shifting back into his seat.

"You think I'm THAT easy huh?" I asked in a mocking shocked tone.

He didn't respond, he just laughed quietly under his breath. It was good to have this atmosphere back; the care-free, fun one. I turned the engine on, eager to head home and sleep in peace; knowing that we had worked out some of the major problems between us, although not all.

We headed back to my house, slipping in quietly making sure not to wake anyone, and then went to sleep. Harry slept in the same bed as me that night, although I wasn't ready to actually sleep with him yet. My feelings were still raw, and I just wasn't ready to expose them fully, not just yet. He held me close, his grip tight around my waist, as if he was afraid that one wrong movement and he would lose me. Was our relationship that fragile? I didn't want that. I wanted an undoubtedly, set in stone, unwavering relationship. But I guess we had to work up to that, reassemble the shattered pieces and build on that. I just hope that the Atlantic between us wouldn't be the crack in our armour; our breaking point.