There are no mirrors in Castle Oblivion for a reason, but it is Axel's opinion that he has more reason than the others to avoid his reflection. He's thought about just burning the marks off his face, but something has always stopped him. It's probably because he knows this wouldn't really change anything.

In terms of existential burdens, the memories are a lot worse, because they're not even his, they're Lea's. Even so, it's never nice catching his reflection in something and seeing those damn tattoos under his eyes. Lea's need to validate his life had been a nice creed for him to live by, but it has unfortunately come back to bite Axel in the ass.

Something Isa had once said echoes in his ears—

'I wouldn't know the difference.'

And see, that's the thing—Axel does know the difference. Lea had been tormented by the idea of change, of the idea of just being a copy of someone else, but at least he hadn't had to deal with the pain of actually knowing. All he had wanted was a marker, proof of his particular existence, so he went and put the damn proof on his face.

Lea's gotten what he wanted, and Axel is suffering for it, because in the cruelest of ironies, all Axel wants is the exact same thing.

Axel doesn't trust anybody, hasn't since the moment he first wrapped his arms around Saïx and asked why this all had to happen.

Saïx had spat out only one word vehemently, "Xemnas."

And that was when they'd made a plan and promised each other that they'd do whatever it took to undermine Xemnas and get their old selves back. In the meantime, sure, they'd call him Superior.

But sometimes, Axel wonders if what they're doing is just a means to an end. What if they somehow succeed and get their hearts back? Because honestly? It fucking scares him.

It isn't that the doesn't want a heart, in and of itself, but there is always that one thought lingering in the back of his mind—what if it's not Axel who gets to reap the benefits of all this hard work, but Lea? It's Lea who'll wake up, it's Lea who'll just pick up where he left off, and Axel will just fade into nothing, as if he never even existed in the first place.

Which—and at this point, Axel has to clutch at his head because all this thinking in circles has made it hurt—is supposed to technically be already true anyway.

Axel doesn't think about nobody logic all that much, because he knows that by definition it's full of black holes that will only serve to suck him in if he tries to poke at them. So instead he distances himself from everybody, and just does whatever Saïx tells him to do. It's just easier that way.

As a result, the bulk of his non-existence is filled with chronic back stabbing. This is why it doesn't faze him when Saïx tells him to keep tabs on the new guy. Get close to him, he says. This one's different. Xemnas has plans for him, so it's in their best interest to use the kid for their own purposes before Xemnas can do it himself.

Only, Axel isn't quite sure what he was expecting. He sure as hell wasn't expecting this: scrawny as a stick, and only coming up to about his chest. Then again, this is also true of Zexion, but at least Zexion has presence. Roxas looks like he as the spine of a puppet on strings.

'Okay. Be nice to the kid.'

So he buys the guy an ice cream. To be honest, he's not so sure about this. Axel just sits there, ice cream in hand, staring at it—Roxas too, but for a completely different reason. It's sea-salt flavored, of course. He couldn't bring himself to purchase any other flavor.

He's a bit apprehensive. It's just ice cream, for heaven's sake, but he only has Lea's memories of the taste to go on. He hasn't actually had one before. He notices Roxas still staring at his ice cream, and Axel gets the serious impression that the kid doesn't actually know he's supposed to eat it.

'Well, here goes.'

He makes sure Roxas is watching and casually takes a bite. It tastes exactly as Lea remembers it.

Salty.

Roxas looks back at the ice cream in his hands, eyes it for a second, and then takes the smallest of bites. A smile flirts with the corners of his mouth.

'Ah. He likes it.'

Axel laughs nervously. Saïx had said that this guy was different from the others, only now Axel is sure this is a huge understatement. There's something…he's not sure—weird about him. Something tells Axel that his usual methods of doing things aren't going to work with this kid.

With the other Organization members, nobody believes Axel for a second when he tells them he's a nice guy. That's the whole point. He fakes comradeship only to a certain point, where it looks nice enough if you aren't really paying attention, but any normal person can call bullshit on that cocky smile from a mile away.

This is how Axel works the system, and how he'll dominate the playing field at Castle Oblivion. See, nobody trusts Axel, but that doesn't matter. He doesn't need their trust—he just needs them to think he's on their side. The smiles are supposed to look insincere—it's his way of saying, See? I'm just as much of a monster as you are.

This is the definition of kinship in the Organization, but Axel can feel it in his gut that this does not, and will not apply to Roxas. He might actually have to earn this kid's trust, or this just isn't going to work.

This is where Axel falters. Friendship is…something he hasn't thought about in the present tense sense of the word. It's something committed only to memory, a whisper in someone else's past. Yet, here he is, sitting with an ice cream in his lap, trying to imitate an image he's only seen in his mind. Is friendship something he can even do? He can't fake it, not with this kid, that's for sure.

He watches Roxas nibble at his ice cream and lets out a sigh. Is this kid mute or something?

"…How does it taste?" he tries to start a conversation, anything, so long as words are involved.

Roxas remains quiet for a moment, and Axel is surprised because he can actually see the kid seriously thinking about it. This is the first sign of intelligent life he's seen in the guy, and now Axel wishes he'd asked something a little more profound.

"...it's really salty."

As far as first words go, they're not the greatest, but Axel's just glad that he finally got Roxas to talk.

"…but," Roxas continues, taking another bite, "it's still sweet, too. I think…"

Axel just looks at him.

'Alright. Fine. I won't fake it.'

He takes a bite of his own ice cream.

Ah. Maybe it is sweet after all.

Axel feels slightly sick after leaving the scene. It's not just that the Sora kid makes him feel a bit uneasy—he likens it to a microphone getting too close to a speaker. The kid fills his head with feedback and the noise makes it hard to think.

But no, it isn't even that.

Killing Vexen should've been…what's the word…satisfying? Liberating?

Axel has pictured this moment thousands of times, and not once did he imagine it feeling like this. Dammit, it's supposed to be payback! It's supposed to be justice, but it feels cheapened, somehow. Axel has to stop and lean against the white walls of Castle Oblivion to keep from literally throwing up.

He had been fine when the point of his chakram slid smoothly between sinew; he had even been fine when the sound of Vexen's spine splitting in half cracked through the air. Axel's really not that squeamish. It was watching Vexen's body slump, watching it break apart into ether and then…

Nothing.

Axel can handle a bloodly corpse—it is the absence of one that makes him shiver.

It's a slap in the face, a reminder of just exactly what he is—or rather, what he isn't.

Axel will never forgive Vexen for what he did to Isa.

But as the bile rises in his throat, he can't help but think it wasn't worth it.

"You've changed."

Axel stops and just doesn't know what to say to that. He has to fight the urge to turn around and literally throw Saïx across the hall. Just grab him by his shoulders and shove him up against the wall and just—

Good god, he doesn't even know what.

He leaves, before Axel has a chance to really lose it. Of all people, Saïx has no right, has absolutely no tact in saying something like that. Axel looks at his hands and finds that they're shaking. It isn't like him to lose composure like this. Granted, he didn't actually touch Saïx, but still, ever since Castle Oblivion and Roxas, he's not quite the smooth operator he once was.

What was the point anymore? Axel's so tired of pretending, but he still can't seem to let go of that sense of obligation. He can't shake the image of two, foolish boys when he closes his eyes, of a warm hand against his cheek, the ghost of a kiss on his mouth. He wants to let go already, be able to move on, but he can't, not with an image like that burned into his mind. The image just begs to be remembered, it commands to become real again; the imprints of Isa and Lea are like suffocating chains.

To this day, the memory of Saïx, scared and still newborn, is still the one thing that can make his chest tighten in a way that it shouldn't. But now when he looks at Saïx, he only sees a person consumed with revenge. All Isa could see was Lea—all Saïx sees is Xemnas.

Axel clenches his fists in an attempt to calm them.

'You're the one who changed.'

Roxas looks straight at Axel, causing the latter's cheeks to tint red. This is because he knows exactly what Roxas is looking at, and Axel wishes he'd stop. He defensively turns away and scratches at his face, shielding himself from Roxas' view.

Roxas remains curious, almost obliviously so, "…how'd you get them?"

Axel looks back at the boy and sees unblinking blue eyes, honest and full.

"I didn't really…I mean, well…they're from back then."

"Oh." Roxas says, understanding.

There is an awkward quiet as they chew on their ice cream.

After awhile, Roxas ventures carefully, "So, um…"

He doesn't actually ask it, but Axel can practically hear the question in the subtext.

"I don't really like to talk about it," he says simply.

Axel can see a hint of disappointment in Roxas' eyes, but is relieved to see that he isn't feeling too hurt about it. He merely nods and chews a bit on the end of the stick that's poking through the top of his ice cream.

"I wish I could remember stuff from my old life."

"Hmm. You're better off without it. It was never yours to begin with," Axel surprise himself with how honest that statement is.

And suddenly, it's like a weight being lifted off his shoulders. The thought connects, and it's as if the world's turned in on itself.

"It's just hard, you know? Thinking about the old life," the words are coming easier now, "Half the time I can't even tell if this is what I want or what Lea wants."

Axel lifts a hand to his face, lightly brushing where he knows the marks are, even though they aren't within his sight. It is amazing how something so small can affect him so deeply, a mark he carries without seeing, only merely feeling and knowing that it's there.

But then he feels Roxas' hand on his own and almost jumps, partly because it's so sudden, and partly because it occurs to him that he actually doesn't mind the contact.

Roxas smiles softly, carefully lowers the hand away from Axel's face, "I like you just the way you are."

That's all it takes. Roxas just somehow knows the right thing to say, and the right way to say it.

Axel smiles, almost lost for words, save for, "Thanks. I'll remember that."

Whooo! It's finished!

This is the longest story I've ever written, and I must say, I'm pretty proud of it. :'3

Thank you for reading it—I hope you found some enjoyment in it. Of course, I'm thankful if people just read my story, but I really hope you leave a review! I like to know what people think about my stories, so anything you have to say—praises, criticisms, flames, anything! Please send them my way! :)