Chapter 17 – '…quite simply…'
I laid on the bed, limp, completely out of breath. It's true what they say; make-up sex really is the best kind of sex. I had missed him so much over those three days. Our sex was full of wanting, passion, and desire; I had never experienced something like that in my life. The content smile, that was now a permanent fixture on my face, could not be erased. The room was silent, filled with only the sound of us trying to catch our breaths. My ears were filled with the beating of my speeding heart. We laid there, face to face, inches away from one another, just staring. We stayed like that for ages, his face burning into my memory; his blue eyes, the curve of his nose, the perfect shape of his lips, the soft skin of his cheeks, everything. He brought his hand slowly to my face, pushing away a stray strand of hair from my cheek, brushing along the skin slowly and tenderly. I was the one to break eye contact first; the emotions inside me over-whelming. I laid back, facing the ceiling, my hands lifeless at my sides.
I felt him shuffle closer to me, the side of his body against mine; the contact of his skin on mine still making my nerves buzz with excitement. He brought his face into the crook of my neck and mumbled something inaudible into my skin. I just continued to lay there, completely still, my mind racing back and forth between what had happened just moments ago, and what was said before that. Everything was falling into place, but almost a little too perfectly. The nagging, a little quieter and subdued now, was back; I just pushed it out of my thoughts, not wanting to ruin this moment.
I shifted my head slightly, turning it more towards him. I took in a deep breath, taking in his smell and his appearance. He looked peaceful with his eyes shut gently; the same smile that occupied my lips was placed firmly on his. I lifted my arm gently and stroked his cheek ever so gingerly, just wanting to touch him again, but not wanting to disturb him. A soft, low moan escaped his mouth and he shuffled closer to me; bringing his arm over my stomach and wrapping it protectively around me. I thought I could lay there forever, but then that sticky feeling started again, so I did my best to twist out of his hold without waking him. I was unsuccessful when his grip around my middle tightened as I tried to move off the bed.
"And where do you think you're going?" he asked in a hoarse tone.
"Shower; you know me, I'll be right back," I said, still trying to get off the bed.
"Agh, ok, but you better be back in…" there was a long pause, "very soon," was all he said.
I just laughed to myself and promised him I would be back soon; I shuffled off the bed and towards the bathroom.
After the shower, lying back in the bed with him, I couldn't sleep. Well I fell in and out of sleep; but I always found myself waking up abruptly and quickly looking towards his side of the bed, making sure he was still there. I was nervous, butterflies flying around in my stomach, never resting. I was afraid of him leaving. What if things weren't different? What if when he went back to England, things would go back to the way they were? I didn't want that. I couldn't let myself go back to that. But he had said he wanted to try, so we were. We were going to try, and that just made me so unbelievably happy.
The light from the crack in the curtains woke me that morning; I didn't even remember falling asleep, but I was grateful that I had. I felt his arm still firmly placed around my middle, my side tightly pressed against his stomach. I glanced over at the clock on the bedside table and saw 9:06 a.m. flash across it. My class was in progress, and a small wave of guilt washed over me. I wonder what they were doing now?
I felt him exhale loudly in my ear and I was snapped back, realising I had made the right decision to skip. I turned in his hold, facing him, just staring at his face. I caught myself doing that more often; just staring at him and smiling.
"I know I'm drop-dead gorgeous, but it's creepy when someone stares," he said abruptly in a hushed tone.
I almost jumped out of my skin, my heart racing in my chest as I trembled slightly.
"Holy shit! Don't do that!" I told him, hitting him gently on the arm.
"Aw, I couldn't resist. Did I scare you?" he asked in a mocking tone.
"Yes, now you'll have to pay," I said mischievously.
"I like the sound of that," he responded, tightening his grip around me and pulling me on top of him.
Our lips met in a tender kiss, as I rested all my weight against his body. His arms remained wrapped around my waist, but my hands reached up to his face and ran through his hair. We stayed like this for moments; I bit his lip gently and then pulled away and rolled off of him.
"Aw, why did you do that?" he asked a little confused, as I shuffled off the bed.
"Because, I think we should do something," I answered.
"But I was just about to," he answered whining a little.
"You and your dirty mind Judd. Tsk tsk," I told him, shaking my finger at him playfully.
He suddenly jumped off the bed and started to chase me around the room. I giggled loudly, screaming every so often as he grabbed me and I wiggled myself free. I ran into the bathroom, and locked the door.
"Hey, no fair," he called through the door.
"Too bad, I'll be out in a minute," I yelled through the door, turning on the shower.
Walking out of the bathroom, I saw Harry sitting on the bed, holding MY phone to his ear. What was he doing with my phone again? I thought we had dealt with this already.
"Harry, what the hell?" I asked, my voice rising.
"Oh, here she is, one second," he said into the phone, passing it to me.
I just gave him a stern look, mouthing 'who is it?', grabbing the phone away. I put the phone to my ear and continued staring at him as he made his way back to the bed.
"Hello?" I spoke into the phone.
"Hi sweetie," the voice said from the other end.
Shit, shit, shit. I could recognize that voice and accent anywhere. It was my mom, and Harry had answered the phone. Harry had talked to my mom. What did he say to her? How much did he tell her? Oh no, what is she going to say to me? Those thoughts were jumping around in my head, my mouth remaining motionless.
"Hello? You there?" I heard my mom repeat herself.
"Yeah sorry, I'm here," I said, clearing my throat loudly.
Harry must have seen the look on my face, the color completely draining from my face and me standing motionless by the bathroom door in complete horror, since I could see him laughing to himself quietly on the bed.
I made my way slowly over to the bed, sitting down on it with my back to him. How was I going to explain this to my mom? How was I going to explain a boy answering my phone, in a hotel room at 9:30 in the morning? I felt him shift towards me on the bed behind me, bringing his chest to my back. He brushed the hair away from my neck gently, exposing the skin and planting slow, hot kisses along the length.
"Are you busy now? Are you in class?" my mom asked.
"No, no, no. I'm just," there was a long pause, me trying to think of an acceptable place to be this hour of the morning with a boy, "the library", I finished. I was proud of my little lie; it was completely believable.
I turned around, looking at Harry, mouthing 'stop it', and giving him a stern look. He just chuckled softly and continued to run his hands over my back and up around my stomach.
"Oh ok. So who was that?" she asked. I could hear that smirk in her voice, she was always curious about my 'male friends'.
"Oh, that was no one, just a friend I'm studying with," I answered, not even thinking about my response; it was the typical answer I gave her about boys in my life.
I felt Harry pull away from me immediately. I quickly looked back over my shoulder, and saw him getting up off the bed. His head was hung, and he shuffled his feet across the carpet. My eyes followed him around the room as he made his way to the bathroom. I heard the soft click of the door close, and I let a huge sigh escape my lips.
"Hey are you ok?" my mom asked, she must have heard the huge sigh.
"Yeah I'm fine," I lied.
"You're lying," she simply stated.
"It's just school, with work and exams coming up, I've just been stressed that's all," I continued to lie. She didn't know about Harry, any of the problems I had with him, so I just blamed school.
"Oh ok. I'm sorry sweetie," she said sympathetically.
"It's ok Mom, it's hardly your fault," I answered, "So why did you call?"
"Oh well, I haven't seen you in a while, I was thinking you could come home for dinner tonight, maybe relax a little?" she asked hopefully.
I wanted to go, I hadn't seen my mom in a month; with midterms, labs and work I was always busy, so it would have been nice. But I was with Harry right now, and I couldn't just bring him with me. My family had absolutely NO idea about him; how was I going to explain that to them?
"I'm sorry, I can't. I really want to, but now with exams coming up, I'm stuck studying all the time. I promise, I'll spend the whole Christmas break with you. Promise," I finished.
"Oh ok sweetie. I understand. We'll get together soon," she replied.
I could hear the hurt in her voice; I was torn between two people I loved every much.
"Ok, I'll let you go then, don't want to keep you from your studies. Good luck, love you," she said on the other end.
"I love you too Mom," I answered, hanging up the phone.
I let out another deep sigh, staring into the phone still in my hands. I didn't like keeping things from her, but I just found it easier than explaining myself all the time. I never talked to her about my boyfriends or anything having to do with my love life, so it wasn't really different with Harry; but I guess the fact that I loved him would have been a good enough reason to tell your Mom right?
Then I remembered what had happened with Harry, how he had walked off into the bathroom, the hurt evident in his actions. I guess me saying he was 'no one' wasn't the greatest thing to say after what had happened last night.
I walked over to the bathroom door quietly, not sure what to say exactly. I knocked softly, not hearing the water from the shower running.
"Harry?" I said in a gentle whisper.
Nothing on the other side. Complete silence. I knocked a little louder this time, wanting to explain myself to him. The door suddenly opened and he was standing in the door frame, towering over me. I felt very small at that moment; having nothing to do with my height. He just stood there, staring down at me, the anger and hurt evident in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry Harry," I said, my voice cracking at the end.
"What the hell?" he asked, the anger in his voice making the sound boom throughout the room.
"I'm sorry, I really am, it's just that it's complicated," I answered, suddenly finding the hem of my shirt very interesting.
"How is it complicated? You didn't tell your mom about me. It's simple, I'm not important enough for her to know about me," he said, yelling slightly.
He pushed past me and stormed off towards the closet to get some clothing. I followed closely behind him, not wanting him to get away without me getting my say in.
"How can you say that? You know how important you are to me; I thought I made that clear last night," I said, now anger evident in my own voice.
He was acting completely insecure after I had poured my heart out to him. Did he think it meant nothing? So I didn't tell my mom; I'm sure no one really knows about me back in England.
"So why didn't you tell your mom then? When you were on the phone with her, you could have just said who you were with, truthfully," he said, lowering his voice.
"Because how am I supposed to tell her?" I asked him.
"What do you mean how? Just tell her. Why do you keep shutting me out? It seems like you keep me separate from your 'actual' life. You just put me aside, and move on," he yelled at me, never looking at me, keeping his back to me.
"What do you mean separate? Harry, you live thousands of miles away from me, I only see you a couple of times a month, I can't help it if you're not in my everyday life. I know I'm not in yours, and I had to accept that," I said getting slightly angry.
"And I already told you that I wish I could change that, but I can't," he said, lowering his voice.
"So we deal with what we have Harry, and I accepted that, why can't you?" I asked.
There was a long pause. I didn't speak, I just listened to him breathe, in and out, the weight of the world seeming to sit on his shoulders. Why was he freaking out now? It had been this way from the beginning, and now he wanted things to change? But I guess it couldn't be helped, things had changed whether we wanted to or not, and things were getting serious. I had to wrap my head around it; I had to let him in. It was just going to be hard.
"I just wish you didn't keep me from people in your life. I just wish you would have told your mom. It makes me feel as if you're ashamed of me. I just wish you would have told her," he said more softly, exhaling deeply as he spoke.
"Oh yeah, I'm sure that would have gone over well telling her. What am I supposed to say exactly?" I asked him loudly, curious as to what he had to say.
"The truth," he answered simply.
"Oh ok. Where am I Mom? Oh, I'm in a hotel room, skipping my class, in bed with my boyfriend, who you don't know anything about by the way. Who is he? Oh he's a devastatingly gorgeous musician from England, who flies down every couple of weeks so we can have wild passionate sex for the time he's here," I finished my mock conversation with my mom, my hand to my ear, my voice still raised, his back still to me.
He let out a long and deep sigh; the air escaping from his lungs slowly. I heard him laugh quietly. He turned around with a smug look on his face. He walked over to me and put his arms around my waist, looking down on me.
"Devastatingly gorgeous? Wild, passionate sex eh?" he smirked, making me blush yet again.
"Oh God," I sighed out, burying my head into his chest.
"I guess that wouldn't have gone over too well, you're right," he said, lifting my chin with his hand, bringing my stare to his.
"I just want to be part of your life. It's hard for me to…just… not be," he said almost in a whisper.
I saw the hurt in his eyes and it made my heart fracture, not being able to stop this pain he felt. I had caused it, but there was no way I could undo it, no way to prevent it. This hurt was a part of our relationship, and there was no escaping it; it came with having a transatlantic relationship. I pushed up and placed my lips on his tenderly, not really knowing what else to do; I hoped that actions could speak more than words.
"Plus, I'm sure that people in your life in England don't really know about me," I pointed out, pulling away from him.
There was a long pause. I knew the answer, but it was almost as if he was afraid to say it.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. But the guys know and some management, but I guess that's it. You're right, how would I explain having a great girlfriend thousands of miles away?" he answered.
"You know Judd, you're very insecure. You always play that cocky stud in your band, where is he?" I asked teasingly.
"Well what can I say? You're the only one I feel this way about," he said, his tone serious.
It made my heart melt. He was just as insecure about this as I was. I doubt I was his first love, but he was MY first and this was all new to me; so it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one that had doubts.
"Ok, enough of this serious talk," I said, breaking away from him and making my way over to the couch, by the bed, where my clothes were laid, "What do you want to do today?" I asked.
"Don't you have some classes or something?" he asked a little shocked.
"Well I had one, but," I said glancing at the clock on the side table, "it's been over for about an hour. Why? Are you trying to get rid of me already Judd?" I finished.
"Oh no, I just thought you had some things to do; it always seems like you do," he answered.
"Well, nope, I'm free; I'm all yours for the day," I said, winking at him.
He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me again.
"I like the sound of that," he growled into my ear. I giggled quietly.
"So, what do you want to do?" I asked, trying to talk while he kissed away at my neck.
"I think I'm already doing it," he mumbled into my skin.
"Dirty, dirty mind Judd. I'm serious, let's go somewhere. It's not often we get to spend the whole day together," I said, breaking away from him, turning around to face him.
"Well, I don't mind. How about we go to Toronto? Never really been around there," he suggested.
"Sounds good to me, we can go around the stores. Although I'm sure that it's nothing compared to London. I definitely don't shop at those 'posh' places like you do, so I'm not the best person to take you around the stores really," I said mockingly, faking a British accent.
"You know you're rubbish at British accents," he said resting his arms on my shoulders.
"Hey, I thought I wasn't too bad," I say, feigning fake shock in my voice.
"Aw, but I think that little twang in your Canadian accent is much cuter," he spoke softly into my ear, kissing it gently.
"Really? A twang? I guess since I speak it I don't hear it, but I have to say, those British accents make me go weak in the knees," I sighed absent-mindedly.
"Oh, I get it now, so THAT'S why you like me eh?" he answered, rolling his eyes a little.
"Well, I can't say that the accent wasn't my first attraction. I'm a sucker for them, what can I say? But now I stay with you for your skills in bed," I replied calmly, not even looking at him,
I was suddenly swept off my feet, Harry picking me up and carrying me around the room. I wiggled in his arms, trying to break free from his hold.
"Put me down," I screamed, as he continued to carry me with ease.
"Well, I have to put my skills to use don't I?" he asked sarcastically.
He slammed me down on the bed, the mattress absorbing my fall, and he crashed down on top of me. His chest was pressed firmly against mine and I could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He kept his face close to mine, not kissing me, but just staring into my eyes. We stayed like that for a while, just staring again. I started to feel self-conscious suddenly and undoubtedly, my face began to heat up. I wanted to break the stare, but something inside me didn't allow it. I just kept my eyes steadily locked on his. He brought his hand up to my face, and ran his thumb gently under my eye and down my cheek.
"You know you're really beautiful," he whispered.
"Harry stop it," I said, the blood rushing furiously to my face, cursing myself for the lack of control over the color of my face.
"Stop what?" he asked, still looking intently at my face.
"Stop that, stop saying those things," I said, finally breaking his gaze and looking around the room; anywhere but his eyes.
"Aw, why? It's true," he whispered, finally bringing his lips in contact with my skin.
I just closed my eyes, and let my head roll back as he kissed away softly at my neck. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. He was so sweet, and so… just… everything I had wanted. He was being perfect, and I didn't want to spoil this; I wanted to show him that it meant the world to me. I pulled his face up to mine and placed my lips on his, the kiss exploding between the two of us. His lips moved against mine, the breathing becoming erratic. I rolled him over, putting all my weight on his body as we just lay there, kissing away passionately. I pulled away slowly, not breaking eye contact with him.
"You have no idea how much I care about you," I whispered, still looking intently into his eyes.
He didn't say anything; he just pulled me into another kiss. It was tender, soft, yet full of desire and want. I relaxed into it, exhaling loudly as his tongue brushed against my lips. I closed my eyes as we continued our embrace. After what seemed like ages, yet not long enough, he pulled away, gasping slightly for air.
"I care about you so much," he said in a hushed tone.
The smile that was already on my lips grew and I could see his eyes twinkle softly. I just looked at him, the content feeling filling every inch of my body. I placed my hands gently on his chest and pushed off him and into a standing position.
"Ok, enough of this lovey-dovey stuff, let's get going," I said, grabbing the remainder of my clothing and putting it on.
"Can't we just stay here a little longer?" he asked pleading with me.
"Well," I paused thinking it over," no. Let's go. Come on, we still have to go to my house so I can get a change of clothing," I finished.
"Fine, but, you owe me a repeat performance from last night," he said, hitting my butt lightly, giving me a quick wink as he made his way to the bathroom.
Boys, what am I going to do with them? All he thought about was sex, but hey I can't call him on it; I would be a hypocrite. When I was around him, my head was filled with inappropriate thoughts. I rubbed my head gently, trying to shake all the wrong thoughts out of my head. I was looking forward to today, it was yet another normal thing that we could do together. I relished in this normalcy; we were becoming stronger, being able to get past that little snag this morning. It was better, and I couldn't hide my contentment. I was getting what I wanted, but yet again, that quiet subdued nagging crept up on me. Why? Why now?