Chapter 18 – '…much too far…'
We chatted animatedly the whole drive to Toronto. It was complete and utter nonsense, but I enjoyed it. He told me some stories of his band mates, some things about his family, his touring; he just told me about things in his life, the things I missed out on. It made me sad at times, but I just pushed that into the back of my mind, focusing on him being with me now. I regretted that we really didn't have stories to tell about each other; we didn't have those little stories that people had to tell others about themselves, about us. We didn't have time for little stories, for anecdotes to be created. Since we saw each other for short periods of time, we only really had big events that happened. I could never start something to my friends by, 'Remember the time when Harry…'; first reason being I didn't really have a funny story to tell about something Harry did, and second, only a few of my friends knew about him. Oh man, this was complicated and the more serious this got, the more the webs got tangled suffocating both of us.
I was the one that drove; Harry feeling apprehensive of driving on the 'wrong side of the road' as he said. I didn't mind; I was used to driving all the time. We parked at my work, it being close to everything in downtown Toronto. The streets were relatively empty; it was too cold to be walking around outside, but I guess we were the crazy ones. It wasn't that bad; the odd flurry coming down on us every once in a while. Harry kept grabbing my hand, wanting to walk hand in hand; normally I would have pulled away, but it was cold, and the warmth of his skin on mine was far too welcoming to pass up.
We walked past a lot of shops, stopping in almost every one to bask in the heat, trying to warm our freezing bodies every so often. I didn't buy too much; it wasn't my type of shopping. Unlike most girls, I did not enjoy shopping. If I did have to shop, I would know exactly what I wanted, get in the store and get out. But I didn't see this as shopping; I just saw it as spending time with Harry.
"You like those shoes?" he asked me, walking up behind me as I looked at a pair of boots.
"Yeah, they're not too bad," I said, putting them down.
"Well, why are you putting them away then? Try them on," he insisted, picking up the pair of boots and handing them to me again.
"Nah, don't feel like it," I answered, putting them back down.
"Aw, come on, try them on, I want to buy them for you," he told me, the boots in his hands once again.
"Oh no, that's quite alright," I answered, walking across the store to another display.
He quickly followed and joined me at the next display.
"What? Why can't I buy you something?" he asked a slight annoyance present in his voice.
"Oh it's alright Harry, thanks but no thanks," I said, not really paying attention to what was going on, I just continued to focus on what was in front of me.
He put his hand around my arm and turned me around a little forcefully, making me face him. I looked up into his eyes and just smiled innocently, pecking him lightly on the lips after scanning the store quickly.
"What?" I asked when his grip didn't loosen around my arm.
"Why are you like that?" he asked, his voice very serious.
"Like what?" I asked bewildered a little.
"Like that; not letting me do anything for you. I wanted to buy you something," he said softly, brushing my cheek with the back of his hand.
"Aw that's sweet Harry, but really unnecessary," I said, turning back to the display I was looking at before.
"I know it's not 'necessary', but I want to. I never get to buy you anything, let me buy you some boots; it's what normal boyfriends and girlfriends do. Most girls would be jumping at the chance of getting something bought for them," he said, smirking slightly, coming up beside me.
"Well, I thought you would have learned by now Judd, I am not most girls," I said, turning towards him and giving him a quick wink.
"Oh I know, believe me," he said rolling his eyes.
"Hey, what is THAT supposed to mean?" I asked, smacking him gently on the chest and feigning shock.
"Hey, I wasn't the one who said it, you were, I was just agreeing," he defended himself.
"Sneaky, very sneaky. I'll let it go this time," I said, revealing a small smile. "So, are you done in here then? You don't seem to be looking around anymore," I asked.
"No, we're not done in here. I still want to get you something," he insisted.
"Oh come on Harry, don't be silly," I brushed him.
"I'm not, why can't I get you anything, I want to do something for you," he persisted again.
"Harry, you're doing enough just by being here," I said getting closer to him, "and nothing you could buy me could be better," I finished. "Oh God, that was so cheesy, but there you go Harry, you make me cheesy," I said, burying my head in his chest again.
"Aw, well fine, you win for now, but I will find something to get you," he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me out of the store.
We made our way down the street, passing more shops, and then passing the national music television building. I pointed it out to him, mentioning all the bands I had gone to see down there, explaining that the street would be blocked off normally, all the fans standing out in the street for the live music performances. He just kind of stood there, staring at it.
"Small no?" he finally said.
"I know it's nothing compared to the BBC, or whatever you have in England, but it's ours, it's Canadian, so I'm rather biased," I said, defending my home country a little.
"It's ok, I'm rather biased as well; Canada seems to have some of my favourite things," he said, turning to me, a cocky smirk on his face.
"Oh is that true?" I asked sarcastically.
He brought his hands up to the collar of my jacket, grabbing it and pulling it closer to my face to block it from the wind. He then brought his arms around my waist and his face close to mine. I stared intently into his eyes, them sparkling in the Christmas lights that were in the display windows. I mimicked his actions, draping my arms lazily around his middle. I cocked my head to the side, raising my eyebrows slightly, anticipating an answer.
"Yeah, I absolutely LOVE maple syrup," he said loudly, leaning his head back, emphasizing the word 'love'.
My jaw hung in shock, and I dropped my arms quickly from his side. I pulled out of his grasp and turned quickly on my heel, walking briskly down the street. I walked for about 5 seconds, before I heard his footsteps pound behind me on the pavement. I couldn't help the small smile that crept up on my face, but I did my best to hide it. I heard him yell 'Wait! Stop! Come back!' as he tried to catch up with me. It didn't take him too long; his hand was firmly placed upon mine within seconds. He pulled me back and turned me to face him. I tried to keep a straight face, this proving harder than I imagined. I looked up at him, pulling all my 'anger' towards my face, but saw that his was full of worry and his eyes were so apologetic. I instantly felt guilty.
"I was only kidding…" he began to explain, slightly out of breath.
I didn't let him finish, my lips meeting with his in a quick peck while I stood on tip toe. I pulled away slowly and dropped my gaze to the sidewalk, my facing turning a light shade of pink again. I wouldn't normally do that out in public, in view for every passer-by to see, but I figured I had made that bad joke, he had worried, a small kiss wouldn't hurt. As I pulled away, I saw the wave of relief wash over him, and he just smiled down at me.
"Not funny," was all he said, re-wrapping his arms around my hips.
"Well I thought it was a little funny, and hey you deserved it, or should I go find you a bottle of maple syrup to cuddle with now," I said sarcastically.
"Nah, I think I can deal with what I have at the moment," he said, looking away from my face and up to the sky.
"DEAL? Well, how do you ever manage to put up with THAT?" I asked all too dramatically, pulling his face down to meet my eyes.
"I manage somehow," he answered with a huge grin on his face.
"You're lucky I'm so great, other girls would have slapped you by now," I said, laughing to myself quietly.
He leant down and tenderly set his lips on mine, moving them slowly as his embrace tightened around my waist. I exhaled deeply into the kiss, falling into the hold that Harry had on me. I parted my lips slightly as his tongue brushed against my mouth, my hands instinctively wrapping around his neck, pulling me up slightly. We remained like that for only moments wrapped up in a sensual, passion-filled kiss, the cold from outside no longer nipping at our skin as my whole body was filled with a wonderful warm sensation. The touch of his skin on mine made ever nerve in my body tingle and hum with excitement. I drew away from him, keeping my arms firmly placed around his neck, the bliss over-whelming me. I knew my face was a deep shade of crimson now, the kiss making me hot all over. I couldn't look him in the eyes, embarrassment filling all my senses.
"I think we've given these people enough of a show no?" I said, composing myself, and pulling out of his firm hold.
I started to walk away and felt his hand entwine in mine as he caught in step with me. I looked at him and just smiled, and then quickly looked away. I felt him squeeze my hand a little tighter and I looked down at our interweaved fingers, and I couldn't stop the soft sigh that escaped my lips. I looked back up to Harry's face, catching him glancing at our hold as well, and just smiled at him. We continued walking down the street like this; the only thought that filled my head was, 'I have become my worst nightmare, I have fallen head over heals for this guy', but it didn't bother me like it usually did. This had to be a sign right?
"You know, I think I may have found something new to be my favourite thing in Canada," he began to say matter-of-factly.
"You better say me, or someone is sleeping alone tonight," I said, stealing glances of him from the side of my eyes.
"I wouldn't dream of saying anyone else although…"
"OH MY GOD!" Harry was interrupted by a pair of high-pitched voices screaming in front of us.
I turned abruptly to look at the source of the noise. It was two girls, somewhere between the ages of 15-17, the smiles on their faces miles long. Their eyes were wide and they were shaking slightly. I couldn't help but smile at them.
"Are you Harry from…" one girl started to ask shakily.
"From McFly? Yes," Harry answered in a kind voice.
I admired that about him. He was so kind and warm to these girls, who he didn't even know. The two girls turned to each other and let out a collective squeal before turning back to face Harry.
I felt Harry untwine his fingers from mine, dropping my hand. My arm felt heavy hanging at my side, heavier than usual. The cold quickly tangled itself around my now naked skin and sent shivers up my arm, the hairs standing on end. It must have felt colder than it actually was, the outside weather mirroring my emotions that erupted from the inside. It hurt, my heart sinking in my chest, that he had let go. It was a small action, but it was symbolic in a huge way. Us holding hands was a small intimate action that I had opened up to experiencing with him, and it was as if he was rejecting it. But I knew why he did it. No one knew about me, and that was how the plan was supposed to go for now. If he was caught holding my hand, or any girl's hand for that matter, the news would spread like wildfire. If these girls had noticed, they could easily go on the internet, and this news would travel instantaneously back to England and could potentially cause an uproar. I understood, but it was still painful to experience.
"Oh my god! I can't believe I'm standing in front of Harry Judd," the one girl said out loud, the whole time staring at Harry with a goofy grin on her face.
"How are you ladies?" he asked, being polite.
I began to back away slowly, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I listened intently to the conversation he was having with his fans, but it was typical; Can you sign this? Can I have a hug? Could I get a picture? I spotted a coffee shop just on the corner of the street and decided it would be a good place to hide-out until Harry was finished. As I approached the doors of the shop, I could still hear the girls talk animatedly to Harry, giggling loudly and squealing sporadically as he spoke to them. Then I heard it.
"So who is that eh?" one girl asked nervously.
There was a long pause. I caught myself standing in front of the coffee shop door, with my hand firmly placed upon the handle, pausing to hear the answer to the question.
"Oh, she's just my cousin, came to visit family," he lied, speaking completely normally to the girls.
At that moment, my heart shattered. There was a sharp constricting feeling in my chest and I found it hard to breath. I pulled the door open quickly, feeling the tears prick my eyes. I rushed past all the customers and made my way to the bathroom. I had to compose myself before Harry came back, he couldn't see me like this. I was being stupid about this, but I just couldn't help it. It was way too painful to hear him say that about me. I knew he was only trying to protect me, but I just wasn't prepared for that. It had blindsided me, the fans coming out of nowhere. I wasn't even supposed to hear that conversation. But I had. I had heard every word. The tone of his voice when he uttered the words 'she's just' was just so stale, the words echoing in my head over and over again.
I walked into the stall, closing the door behind me quietly. I leaned my back against it, letting out a loud sigh, silent tears streaking my cheeks. I was being a stupid emotional girl; he had to do this, it was his job. He told me about it; I just never thought that it would happen when I was around. I never thought that when he said it, it would hurt me so much. But it did, and now I was standing in a coffee shop bathroom, crying silently over something a boy said. Pathetic. I had to shake this. I was stronger than this, and I wasn't going to let it get the best of me.
I leant down, grabbed some toilet paper, and dabbed at my tear-stained cheeks, hoping that the redness from crying would subside. I unlocked the door quietly, walking over to the sink and running the warm water. I rinsed my face gently, trying to purge my face of the signs of crying.
Beep, beep.
I was startled by the beeping of my phone and pulled out of my trance. I stared at the pocket of my jacket, apprehension washing over me as I knew who was calling me. I took in a deep breath and reached for the vibrating object in my pocket. I pulled it out and glanced at the name, 'Harry' flashing across the screen. I glanced up at my reflection in the mirror again, taking in the puffiness of my eyes and the over-all look of myself. I took in another deep breath, composing myself and then picked up the phone.
"Hey," I answered.
"Where are you? I looked back and couldn't find you," he asked, his voice full of worry.
"Sorry, I just had to use the bathroom, so I'm in the coffee shop at the corner of the street," I answered, my voice low, willing it not to break and give away my true feelings.
"Oh ok. Well I'll be right there, wait for me," he said into the receiver.
"Yeah ok," I said quietly.
I heard the phone click and I pulled it away from my ear. I stared in to it for a second and sighed deeply yet again. I was being stupid, I had convinced myself of that; I had to pull it together. So that's exactly what I did; I put my phone away, wiped my eyes one last time, dried my cheeks and took in one final deep breath, calming my nerves.
I walked out of the bathroom, and saw Harry walking through the door; his eyes frantically scanning the store for me. I smiled weakly, noticing the panic in his face, showing that he did care for me, confirming my stupidity from before. His eyes caught me, and he began to walk over in my direction. He reached me and let out a deep sigh, very much like my own that had been released earlier.
"I'm so sorry about that," he said quietly, his feet shuffling as he spoke.
"It's ok," I responded, equally as quiet.
There was a slight awkwardness between us; something was hanging between us, waiting to drop. I knew what it was, but I didn't want to say it.
"I really am sorry," he said again, clasping my hand loosely in his.
"Harry, it's fine, it's your job, I understand," I told him again.
A loud sigh escaped his lips. He looked at me and caught my gaze. It seemed like everyone in the room had disappeared and we only stood there, caught up in each other, silence filling the air. He brought his hand up to my cheek and stroked it gently.
"Why were you crying?" he asked softly, the hurt evident in his voice.
"What? I wasn't crying," I lied hastily.
"Stop it. I can see that you were. I'm so sorry. You heard didn't you," he said, the last part barely escaping a mumble.
"Yeah," I whispered, there was no denying the fact; I didn't want to keep things from him.
"Listen, I didn't mean it, it's just something I've learnt to say, to protect the people around me. You don't know what people are capable of," he said, wrapping a protective arm around my shoulders.
"I know. I'm fine," I said, trying to convince myself in the process.
"I am really sorry though. You mean the world to me," he began to explain.
"Harry…" I interrupted.
"And if I could, I would tell everyone what a great girl I have, how much I want to be with her every moment of the day and night…" he continued.
"Aw Harry…" I interjected again.
"And just how much I love her," he finished.
At that moment, my insecurities flew out of my head and I was filled with complete and utter joy. He always knew what to say, and he was just being so perfect right now. I knew he didn't mean it, and I knew he was only trying to protect himself and me in the process.
"Harry, it's ok. I know," I said, looking up at him. "And I feel the same way," I added.
He pulled me in closer, the embrace around my shoulders tightening, and kissed me tenderly on the cheek.
"I'm spent, let's just go ok?" I said, heading towards the door.
I shifted slightly out of his grasp and pushed for the door. I could tell he was a little hurt, but I didn't want a repeat performance of earlier, and who knew who else would recognize him. He gently tangled his fingertips with mine, just the tips touching, inconspicuously, only for us to know.
"I can't believe you got recognized Harry," I said while not looking at him.
"Yeah me neither, I guess we're bigger than we thought," he said, laughing quietly to himself.
"Not THAT big, it was only two girls Harry," I said, laughing loudly.
"Hey, that was uncalled for," he protested.
"That was only payback for the maple syrup thing," I defended, shaking my head.
He laughed loudly, drawing the attention of certain passers-by. We headed back to the car and drove back to the hotel. The drive back was quiet, but a content quiet. I felt his eyes burn into my face the whole ride back, glancing over at him occasionally, making my face burn with color. I giggled occasionally, not really knowing the reason why. We stopped at my house, picking up my things and then headed over to Harry's room, to spend the rest of the night together.