Chapter 19 – '…for me to row'

Pushing through the hotel room door, Harry's and my lips were already connected, hands wandering and breaths shortening. I was carrying all my belongings; a change of clothing, book bag and laptop, and I felt the weight heavy on my shoulders as Harry lead me around the room. He quickly grabbed the straps of the bags and dropped them to the floor.

"Hey, my laptop is in there," I protested pulling away from him, stealing a glance at the bag that now lay sprawled on the floor.

"Fuck it, I'll buy you a new one," he growled.

Grabbing my face forcefully in his hands, he collided his lips with mine again. He pushed me back, unzipping my jacket hastily, and pulling it off my shoulders. He broke the kiss and immediately crashed his lips onto my neck, my skin instantly burning with desire as he sucked and licked, tracing paths along the length of the muscles in my neck. My nerves buzzed, excitement running through ever vessel in my body.

He hurriedly began to grab at my clothing, pulling and lifting it away from my body. His lips only left mine briefly, leaving only millimetres between our faces, as he glanced down at my clothing, concentrating on undoing the zipper of my sweater. I pulled away from his face and just stared at him as he continued to concentrate on the article of clothing in front of him. I just looked at him, and I didn't know if it was the racing of my heart or the heat between us, but as my eyes fell onto his body I was finding it hard to breath.

I couldn't contain it anymore; I grabbed his shirt, and pulled it up over his neck, revealing the skin of his chest and stomach. I saw the sly smirk cross his face and all I wanted to do was to wipe it off by kissing the hell out of him. I grabbed his lips in mine and moved them on his, passionately yet roughly, hunger for his taste consuming me. I felt him fiddle with my belt buckle, slipping his hand between the hot skin of my stomach and my jeans as he succeeded in undoing them rather quickly. They dropped to the floor and I stepped out of them. I pulled away from him abruptly and began to caress the bare skin of his shoulders with hot, wet kisses, moving slowly across from one shoulder to the other, crossing his collarbone and dipping down to his chest along the way. I felt his hands run up and down my back, finding my spine, as his fingertips traced slowly and teasingly along the length. He was driving me crazy, my mind spinning with his scent and touch and just the heat emanating from his body. I brought my mouth to his ear, my breathing heavy and deep, and began to suck gently on his earlobe, biting it ever so gently occasionally.

I heard a low, loud moan escape his mouth as he hands grabbed my thighs and lifted me up, my legs instinctively wrapping around his waist. He began to stumble back towards the bed, hitting a table and a chair along the way, frustration evident in the low grunts that went into the kiss. My mouth broke away from his, the lack of air in my lungs over-whelming me. We stayed apart as he continued to carry me; one hand placed firmly under my butt, while the other found its way under my shirt and traced small circles on the small of my back. He brought his hand from under my shirt and to the back of my head, running his fingertips through my hair and pushing my face into his. He brought his mouth to my ear, and now his breathing was tickling the skin of my neck, sending shivers down my body.

"You are so damn hot," he said in between deep breaths, "I just want to…"

"Should you be talking this way about your cousin?" I interrupted him, laughing loudly at my comment.

He stopped in his tracks, putting me down gently. I didn't think twice about it, but just advanced towards him and went to put my arms around him, but was stopped when he put his hands on my shoulders, and kept me at arms length.

I heard a loud sigh leave his mouth; it seemed mixed with guilt and frustration. He stepped back and brought his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it nervously. I felt very self conscious all of a sudden, standing in the room with only a t-shirt and underwear. I pulled down my shirt, trying to cover some of the bare skin that now seemed inappropriately exposed. I felt a chill in the room; not sure whether it was the actual temperature, or the emptiness from the lack of Harry's touch. I felt myself shift my weight back and forth from one leg to another, anxiousness filling me.

"Listen, I told you I didn't really mean it," he began to speak in a slow and low tone, as if trying to make me truly understand exactly what he was saying.

"I know," I said in almost a whisper.

"I don't think that way about you, not at all. It was only to protect you, please believe me," he said, the pleading in his voice making me melt.

"I know," I repeated.

He just sighed again, this time a little quieter, his breathing slow and deep. I heard his feet drag along the carpet as he moved closer to me, clasping my fingertips in his hands. We stood there for moments; I stared intently at our intertwined fingers, the heat from his skin running from my fingertips, up my arm and filling my chest. I let a loud breath escape my lips, not knowing what to say. He placed his finger under my chin and pulled it up.

"Do you really?" he asked.

"Do I really what?" I replied, not really knowing what he meant.

"Do you really know? Do you really believe me?" he asked again.

I dropped my head and paused. In my head, I had rationalized to myself that I was being stupid; that I had over-reacted to what happened today. But deep down, I just couldn't shake it. The dismissive tone that his voice had taken on when he spoke about me to those girls kept ringing in my head; over and over again, just repeating, making me weaker and weaker every time it did. I guess he took my silence as apprehension, as a no essentially, and I guess that's what it really was. He pulled me in even closer, placing his hand at the small of my back, bringing me into him, our chests pressed up against one another, my eyes still focused downwards.

"You have to believe me; you mean the world to me. I only said those things because it's for the better," he paused, looking at me for some affirmation that I understood, but I just stood there, silent, limp and lifeless.

"Look at me," he said, bringing my gaze to his again, "you really do have to believe me, it was a reflex, I only want to protect you. You mean so much to me; I don't want you having to deal with some of the crap I have to. You're far too special for that, and just because you're with me doesn't mean you should be subjected to that ridicule. I'm so sorry, please, believe me," he pleaded again, his eyes glistening in the light from outside.

"I do," I exhaled, "I really do, I'm just being stupid. I know you didn't mean it. I just made a stupid joke, trying to be clever," I laughed at myself.

He pulled my face up to his and brought his lips close to mine, hovering teasingly in front of them.

"You have a sick sense of humour," he chuckled, raising his eyebrow into a smug look.

"Oh shut up and kiss me already Harry," I growled into his lips.

I pulled him by the waist of his jeans and smashed into him, our arms wrapping around each other almost immediately. I kept one hand on his belt, pulling him in my direction as I continued to walk backwards, our kiss now furious with desire. The side of the bed hit the back of my knees and I fell back effortlessly, pulling him down with me. He landed on top of me, his weight resting on his arms placed on either side of my head. He pulled up from me, and just stared down. I didn't meet his gaze; I just concentrated on undoing his belt. I bit my lip as I worked away, frustration setting in as it took me abnormally long to pull it off him.

His jeans were the next to hit the floor, followed by the rest of our clothing, leaving us shameless on the bed. The loud breathing and moans that filled the room were full of ecstasy. My heart raced with excitement as his body pressed up against mine, his breathing shallow and sporadic. Every single nerve ending in my body exploded with sensation as the muscles in his body tensed; it seemed like every inch of his skin was in contact with mine.

"Oh God Harry," I exhaled, no breath left in my lungs.

He didn't say anything; he just rolled beside me, and kept his eyes intently focused on my face. He took his hand and gently brushed the hair from my cheek as I continued to catch my breath. Exhaustion washed over me; my eyelids feeling heavy. I felt them close, Harry's fingertips gently sweeping across my eyelids, his lips meeting mine in a tender kiss. I laid there limp, responding into the kiss, only moving my lips. That's the last thing I remember before drifting into a blissful sleep; no doubt, no regret, no sticky feeling, just complete and utter bliss.

I woke the next morning to the beeping sound of my phone; it was the alarm I had set the previous night. I had some things to do, so I couldn't spend the entire day sleeping. I rolled over in the bed, facing Harry, who had his head buried into the pillow. He looked peaceful and I caught myself staring once again. I allowed it though, brushing it off as my attempt at remembering; my attempt at taking a mental snapshot so that I could relive this over and over again when he wasn't here. I wanted to remember him like that forever.

I shuffled out of bed, not really wanting to leave my warm cocoon, but knowing that I had to. I grabbed a change of clothing and headed into the bathroom. I turned on the water and let the steam rise and fill the small room. I was sticky and stale from the previous night, but I was happy. I let the water engulf me and wrap me in its warmth. I stood there for a long time, letting my mind wander and my thoughts consume me. It wasn't the usual doubt from before, but more of a content reliving of what had happened for the past couple of days; the happiest couple of days in my life, even though there were some rough patches. It was still good, great for that matter, and these last couple of days had cemented my true feelings for Harry.

I walked out of the bathroom, all clean and fresh, and my eyes fell immediately on the bed. He was still fast asleep, looking completely gorgeous lying amongst the strewn sheets. I found myself staring, yet again, biting my bottom lip. Oh man, I really had fallen hard. Damn it.

I shook my head, focusing back on what I had to do today. I had one lab, so I couldn't miss that. I pulled out my laptop and set it up, going to finish up some work while Harry slept. I finished prepping for the lab, reading up on methods and materials and some reactions that I had to perform. I checked my phone; I had some missed calls and messages. All from my friends and housemates; they consisted of 'where are you?', 'where have you been for two days?', etc. I guess I should have let some people know where I was. Damn it, I did it again, forgetting about the people close to me. I made a few calls, letting my friends know that I wasn't laying in some ditch clinging for my life. They had figured I was with Harry, but gave me a hard time about my lack of 'communication'. They made jokes about me being busy in 'bed' the whole time, too busy to make a phone call. I let them have their fun, it wasn't often that they could make fun of me for this, so I welcomed it in a weird way; this just made my thing with Harry that little bit more normal.

I checked my email, finding a few more new emails than I expected; I wasn't exactly the most popular person ever. A few were from my friends, but there was one official email from the university. It was odd; I only ever received official emails at the beginning of the year regarding courses and such, but never in the middle of the year. It was from Administration, the Registrar to be more specific. My heart started to pound in my chest, my mind racing with possible reasons as to why they had to email me in the middle of the year. My hand started to shake and I clicked on the email, my mouth suddenly dry and my breath shallow.

'You have been put on scholarship probation due to insufficient compliance with requirements.'

My heart stopped. I couldn't breath. That line was repeated over and over again in my head. The email was short and to the point, but it carried miles and miles of meaning with it; my school, my education, my life. I didn't know what to think, so many questions were running through my head; one banging into another, causing a mess. I didn't know what I was going to do. I had to sort this out, I had to fix it. I just had to. I remained frozen, re-reading the same words over and over again. A singe tear escaped my eye, running slowly down my cheek, dropping off the edge of my jaw. I felt a hand placed lightly on my shoulder and I was startled from my frozen state. It was Harry, and I quickly wiped my cheek, not wanting him to see. I abruptly slammed my laptop shut and turned to face him, plastering a fake smile on my lips.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked concerned.

"Oh nothing, really, just checking my email," I said looking down.

"You're lying again, I know you are, just tell me," he persisted.

"Nothing really," I repeated.

"Come on, you can tell me. I want to know. What's wrong?" he asked again.

"God Harry, can't you just learn to LEAVE IT!" I yelled, getting up quickly.

I didn't know why I was yelling at him, I definitely wasn't angry with him, I was just angry in general; desperate really, grasping at straws as my education was at stake. He looked so hurt after I yelled at him, guilt filling my senses immediately. I didn't mean to do that, it just came out, I couldn't stop it. I felt myself calm down, and I turned slowly to him, still standing at the desk where I had previously sat.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

I heard him sigh deeply, but he didn't look up; he just continued to stare down. I walked over to him and clasped his hand in mine.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you," I explained, willing for him to look at me and see the deep regret in my eyes.

"Ok," he answered, never once moving his gaze.

"I really am, it's just…" I paused, not really knowing where I wanted to go with this.

"You don't want to tell me," he said in a low voice.

"There's nothing to tell, I was just being stupid," I lied.

What was with me and lying to him? Why couldn't I just tell him about my probation? I know why; he would blame himself somehow. Then there would be an awkwardness between us, a tension that would just create more problems. I didn't want that for the remaining days with him. I would deal with it, and he would be none the wiser. I was a big girl, and I could handle this, somehow.

"Listen, I have to go now. I have school and I have to go and see some people before my lab," I said, pulling away from him.

I busied myself, gathering my possessions from around the room, not really wanting to look at him and see how much of a bitch I was being. I had to deal with some things that were slightly more pressing right now, and I would handle this battle tonight, when I got home. I had my bags packed and I was ready to leave, when I glanced back at Harry, noticing he hadn't moved from his spot the entire time. My shoulders dropped and I felt that guilt again. I couldn't leave it like this. I walked over to him and placed my bags down at my feet.

"I'm so sorry for earlier, I really am," I said, wrapping my arms around his waist, and resting my head on his chest.

He didn't respond for a few moments, his body completely still as I pressed against him. He then slowly raised his arms and draped them on my hips, resting his chin on the top of my head. I squeezed him tightly, taking in the smell of his shirt as I nuzzled further into his chest. I lifted my head gently and stood on tip toes, reaching for his lips and meeting them in a slow and tender kiss.

"Do you want to meet me at my house after my lab?" I asked quietly, pulling away from his face.

"Ok," he answered shortly.

"Ok," I repeated, not knowing what else to say.

I pulled out of his arms and picked up my bags again. I headed for the door and just before reaching for the handle; I turned around to steal one last glance of him.

"I love you Harry," I found myself whispering almost to myself as my head dropped.

He didn't respond, so I just pulled on the handle and walked out. I walked down to my car, putting all my things on the passenger seat and sitting heavily on my own side. I closed the door, and turned on the ignition, the music blasting through the speakers. I placed my hands on the top of the steering wheel, and found my head following, resting gently on the backs of my hands. I exhaled deeply, all the air from my lungs escaping, taking with it the immense guilt that had built up. What had I done? Why had I managed to fuck things up yet again?