Chapter 20 – 'It seems…'

So I went to go and speak to Administration, see if I could clarify this 'probation' nonsense that they were talking about. I had been a model student; well maybe not the best, but I had decent grades, participated in choice societies and did some volunteer work. What had I violated that they felt the need to put me on probation?

Walking into the building, I felt weak, dizzy almost. My hands were clammy; cold and sweaty all at the same time. I couldn't shake the small tremors that would run through my arms, down my hands and out through my fingers. I approached the door, and just stood there staring at the lettering on the window. I was petrified. What if what they told me I couldn't fix? What if when I went in there, they would tell me that they couldn't have me at the university any longer, and that I had to leave? What was I going to do then? Ideas raced through my head at a hundred kilometres per hour, just speeding around aimlessly, searching for some logic to grasp on to, to anchor it. I took a long deep breath, my chest rising, and reached forward for the handle. It was cold, and it sent shivers up my arm.

It was my worst nightmare; I was in complete shock. That was the only way I could truly explain it; I couldn't form any proper thoughts, shock just immobilized me and left me speechless. I was on academic probation. I had let my grades slip, so much so that I had to be put on academic probation until they improved, and if not, I was going to lose my scholarship. That is what the lady behind the desk told me. She was kind, had sympathetic eyes, and a soft, compassionate voice, but the news she delivered was as cruel and heartless as they came.

I knew I had been having some trouble with certain courses over the term, but nothing drastic. I had asked to see a transcript of my marks, to see where I could improve. My marks were slightly lower than last year, but the thing that had pushed my probation over the edge was my organic chemistry midterm mark. It was the midterm of that fateful night. Oh God. I had let a boy get in between me and my goals. I was stupid for letting my mind become preoccupied with some stupid boy; I had let my heart cloud my better judgement.

I was being a complete and utter bitch. I couldn't blame this on him. It was completely MY fault, and no one else's. I refuse to blame others for my faults, for my stupidity. But I couldn't tell him about this; he would surely blame himself. It would eat him up inside and make him rot with guilt. I had to keep this to myself, for now at least, until I figured out what I was going to do. I was going to solve this, I just had to work harder and just hope that it wasn't too late.

My lab was a blur. I remember walking in, silent and emotionless, putting on my lab coat and staring at the pages and chemicals in front of me.

"Hey, are you ok?" my lab partner would ask me intermittently.

I never really answered him; I would just let out a 'hmph' noise, acknowledging that I heard him.

The next thing I knew I was walking out, clutching my bag, lab coat and goggles, not really knowing how I had managed to finish my work. I walked slowly through the halls of the building, not really knowing what to do or where to go. If I went home, I would have to face him; if I stayed here, I would drive myself crazy within these confining walls.

Facing him would prove very difficult. Not only did I now have this bombshell resting on my shoulders, but I also would have to deal with the happenings of this morning. How had I managed to mess everything up within the span of only a few hours? If you had asked me how I thought today would have went, while I was lying in bed last night next to Harry, this would have been a far cry from my predictions.

I found myself wandering the halls, just walking around holding my possessions, with a blank stare on my face. My eyes were glazed over, and my feet kept moving. They moved in circles, around and around, mimicking the racing of my mind. I found an empty corridor, a couple of tables with chairs located at the end. I was drawn towards them, possibly making them my safe haven for now. I needed to sit down, and I needed to think logically.

I slumped into the seat, dropping my bags on the table, feeling the cold metal against the skin of my lower back. My head dropped into my hands almost immediately, and a huge sigh escaped my mouth. Being here all alone must have triggered something; silent tears began to stream down my cheeks. No sound, no sniffling, barely a breath, just silent cascades of tears that fell onto the table.

I was normally so organized and prepared. I was always the one that had everything figured out, and suddenly it felt like I had the carpet pulled from under me, leaving me helpless on my back, unable to get up and straighten myself out. It all started with him, but I was not going to blame him. In all honesty, he was one of the greatest things that had happened in my life. If I had known all the problems that would accompany the opening of my heart to this strange boy, I think I would have reconsidered, but then THAT would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I knew now that without a doubt, I wanted to be with him, and that nothing would change that. I just had to be more of myself again.

I had to be logical at a time like this; I had to pull myself together. I furiously wiped my tears from my cheeks with the back of my sleeve, trying to get rid of any evidence of my breakdown. I couldn't express how relieved I was that no one saw me like this. I had to be strong, and I was going to be. I was going to do what I had to do.

I looked out the window and saw that it was pitch black outside; the lights flickered around campus and the straggling students made their way home. I had to be doing the same. Shit. He was waiting for me. I was late again. Damn. I told him to meet me at home, and now I was about an hour late. Now I was going to get it, he had every right to be pissed at me. I was a total bitch this morning; snapping at him, keeping things from him, and acting all distant. Now I had put the icing on the proverbial cake; I was late yet again.

I picked up my belongings, stuffing my lab coat and goggles in my bag, swinging it around onto my shoulders, and doing up my jacket. I walked slowly though, knowing I really should have been in a hurry, but the dread that filled my entire body was over-whelming. I had to calm down before I saw him again, and really figure out what I was going to do.

It was abnormally mild outside that night, surprising me as I stepped out of the building. It was beautiful tonight, the air crisp and clear, but not so cold that it froze you to the bone. The wind swept past me, my hair blowing behind me. I stopped in my tracks, closed my eyes, and took in a deep breath, inhaling the clean smell of the night air. I suddenly felt a little lighter, slightly braver to face the situations waiting for me.

I walked home, slowly, one step at a time. I reached my block, my street, my driveway, my porch and finally my door. I had my keys all ready in my hands, poised and aimed for the lock of the door, but I stopped for a moment, my hand hovering in mid air in front of the lock. I took in one final deep breath and pushed my hand further towards the metal and slid the key into the lock. Here I was; it was my turn to gravel and beg for forgiveness. Here goes nothing.