Chapter 21 – '…farther than…'
As I pushed my way through the door, I was hit by the wonderful smell of food cooking. At that moment, my stomach let out a loud grumble, reminding me I hadn't eaten all day. I was hungry; very hungry. I dropped all my stuff by the door, a loud bang echoing through out the hallway. I ripped my jacket off and threw it on the railing of the stairs, and made my way hurriedly towards the kitchen. Was Harry cooking for me? Probably not, but maybe it was one of my housemates, and maybe I could persuade them to share with me. I was so unbelievably hungry right now. I slowed approaching the kitchen, my feet tired from all the wandering I had done earlier. Then I heard it.
I heard a female laugh that I could never mistake. It was loud, almost a cackle, the breath catching in her throat and making it sound like she was choking. My heart started to race, as my feet did the same, carrying me quickly to the kitchen. I rounded the corner, and burst through the doors.
"MO…" I yelled, stopping mid word at the sight before me.
My mom was standing in the kitchen, cooking something, and Harry was right beside her. He was helping her, stirring something in a pot as they chatted away animatedly. She was laughing, and he had the most adorable grin on his face. But I couldn't breathe, air ceasing to move in or out of my lungs. I should be happy that they're getting along, but I was terrified. My two worlds were crashing together, my mom and my boyfriend were standing in the same kitchen, and it seemed they were enjoying each other's company. Oh God, I was going to have to explain my self to her now. What did Harry tell her? Did he tell her everything? What was she going to say? As all these thoughts were whizzing around in my head, I didn't even notice my mom dropping what she was doing and running towards me, her arms out-stretched.
"Ah, sweetie!" she squealed slightly, wrapping her arms around me, giving me a tight hug.
God I had missed her, but I was preoccupied now. I didn't know what I was going to say, how I was going to justify all of this. I just stood there, my arms lifeless at my sides as my mom held me in a tight hold. I stared at Harry over my mom's shoulder, my eyes wide with shock. His smile faded after he saw my expression, and he quickly looked down keeping his focus on the food he was stirring in front of him. I managed to pull my arms up and reciprocate the hug my mom was giving me, but all the while I was trying out various excuses in my head that I could give her as to who Harry was, and why he is here.
As my mom pulled away, I snapped my focus back to her, and couldn't help but smile a little, even if it was slightly half-hearted, as I saw her glowing expression. She was so happy, you could see it in her eyes, and I really was relieved to have her here in a way. I needed her now, and it was strange how when my world would come crashing down around me, she knew somehow, and managed to either show up, or call me and make me feel better.
"Surprise!" my mom said weakly, smiling widely.
"Oh mom," I sighed, relaxing a little and falling into her, resting my head on her shoulder.
"Aw honey, are you angry?" she asked quietly, stroking my hair lovingly, while rubbing my back gently, her hand moving in small circles on my t-shirt.
"Are you kidding me, why would I be angry? This is a great surprise," I answered genuinely.
"Oh good," she said, relief evident in her voice.
I pulled away from her, and shifted back a little. I started to fidget with my fingers and sway back and forth, shifting weight from one leg to the other.
"What are you doing here?" I asked quietly.
"Well, I thought that since you were busy with all those things all the time that I would come down here and cook you dinner, and maybe we could catch up. I've missed you," she said, the last part sounding a little softer than the rest.
The last three words broke my heart. I had been such a bad daughter, I was neglecting my own mother, the woman that gave me life, and now she was being all apologetic for coming down here. So I guess you could add terrible daughter to the list of all my short-comings, in which horrible girlfriend is also included.
"Aw mom, I love you so much, you're the greatest," I said, putting my arms around here again, pulling her into another hug.
As I pulled away, my eyes caught Harry's; he was watching everything, and I could tell there was something he was missing. You could see it in his eyes; they looked slightly glazed over, and a little envious almost. I looked him straight in the eyes, and he gave me a weak, lop-sided smile and then turned his attention back to the pot. I heard my mom clear her throat and my attention was immediately snapped back to her. She gave me one of those looks; 'the-raised-eyebrow-bobbing-her-head-back-slightly-towards-Harry-stern-look-in-her-eyes' look, as if saying 'and who is this?' I was at a loss for words, but I had to say something. So I breathed in deeply and just decided to go for it.
"So I see you've met Harry mom," I said quietly.
"Yes, I have, he let me in," she replied coyly, edging me on to continue.
"Oh well I'm glad," I spoke again, this time a little more loudly, pausing at the end of my sentence.
My mom kept shifting her eyes between Harry and me; her standing between us. Her stare locked with mine, and it was urging me to go on. She raised her eyebrows again, expecting some answers as to why a strange boy was found alone in my house. I let my gaze break from hers, and drop to the floor, focusing on my fingers fiddling with the hem of shirt.
I began to speak softly, slowly, apprehension evident in my voice, "I'm glad you met him because he's my…"
"Lab partner," he interrupted me.
My head shot up and looked at him with utter shock.
"I came here to pick up some notes for our next lab, and one of your housemates let me in, told me I could wait until you got home," he said calmly, not once breaking eye contact with me.
I just stood there, mouth open and motionless. He had made up an excuse for me. He knew that I wasn't comfortable about telling my mom about us, and that I definitely didn't want her hearing about this from some stranger, and he respected that. He was so God damn sweet, that it made me feel like such a rotten human being after everything I put him through.
"Isn't that right?" he prompted me again, hoping that I would follow along.
"Uh… yeah," I mumbled, not looking away from him.
At those words, I saw him break. I saw the expression on his face drop and his eyes fade. I know he had hoped that I would have contradicted him, telling my mom everything right then and there, because it truly was the perfect opportunity. But I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to say it. My mom just stood watching us, taking in all that was happening. I have a feeling she already knew, or at least had a suspicion, but she didn't say anything.
"Well, I should get going," Harry said, clearing his throat, breaking the awkward silence.
I didn't say anything, I just stood there.
"Wouldn't you like to stay for dinner? I have plenty," my mom asked him, seeing that I wasn't moving.
"Uh.." Harry said, looking to me for some sort of sign about what he should do, but not receiving anything, "no but thank you, I really have to be off," he declined.
I didn't dare look up, I just continued to stare downwards, hearing his feet shuffle on the tile floor. My heart was pounding in my chest, my hands shaking. 'Stop being a total bitch and say something' was being repeated over and over again in my head, but my body ignored it. I just stood there, fucking stood there, as the guy I loved walked away, completely rejected by me.
"It was very nice to meet you," he said in his charming English accent to my mom, reaching out and giving her a light hug, pecking her politely on the cheek.
"It was nice to meet you too," my mom answered, a little puzzled.
"I'll see you around," he said, directing the words to me.
I didn't answer again. Why had I suddenly had my lips sealed and was unable to say what was repeated over and over again in my head? He was walking away, and I was standing there. The words 'wait', 'don't go', and 'I want you to stay' were on a constant loop in my head, now just to make my mouth actually say those words. I heard him sigh heavily, picking up his jacket from the couch in the living room and heading for the door. 'MOVE FEET' I could hear myself scream in my head. Running after him and wrapping my arms around him, never letting him go; that's what I should have been doing instead of being rooted to that spot, focusing on my stupid t-shirt. I cursed myself with ever fibre of my being, yet I still didn't move. WHY?
My balance was suddenly interrupted by a sharp nudge to my back. My head snapped up and turned to the direction of the assailant; my mom had this grin on her face, and her stare bore into me. She gave me the look; the 'what the hell are you thinking you idiot, go after him' look.
"Harry wait," I found myself saying.
Finally, some audible words managed to escape my mouth. His step faltered, but he quickly fell back into it, and continued walking, his back still turned to me. Damn it. I felt another sharp poke, and this time I fell forward slightly. Finally managing to uproot my feet from that God forsaken spot, they suddenly came to life, carrying me towards him. I walked quickly, my short legs carrying me as hurriedly as they could to catch up to him. I walked up behind him and reached for his hand. I grasped it tightly, pulling him back. He spun around and finally faced me. He had a glazed look in his eyes, but I could see the immense hurt hiding behind the façade.
"Wait, Harry please," I begged looking up at him.
His eyes were focused on my face, but he just looked past me, as if he was really just looking through me. He then dropped his gaze down, focusing on my hand holding his. Another deep sigh left my lungs; I had some major explaining to do.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled in a low whisper.
He didn't say anything; he just continued to stand there in silence. I deserved it, only moments ago our positions had been reversed. I tightened my grip around his hand, bringing it up to my chest, pushing it up against the fabric of my t-shirt, wanting him to feel the rapid beating of my heart.
"I am SO sorry," I repeated, gently stroking the skin on the back of his hand with my thumb. Silence. So I continued, "I'm stupid, you have every right to be angry with me, but I'm really sorry. I was just shocked and…" I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.
I didn't exactly know myself why I had acted the way I did. Maybe it was a build up of all the things that had happened in the past few days; my brain on a complete over-load. I had to do something to show him that he meant the world to me, and it had to be big. I had to put everything on the line and risk it, maybe this could show him how truly sorry I was for being such a complete bitch for the past couple of days. I stretched up on tip-toe and placed my lips gently on his, hoping that he would respond. He just stood there for a few moments, his hand still in mine, but his lips remained lifeless. I felt him drop his hand from mine, and at the moment I thought he was going to pull away, but instead he wrapped his arms around the small of my back and pulled me up closer to him, lifting me off the ground. His lips began to move immediately, emanating heat from his lips into mine, a burning sensation travelling down my neck and into my chest. My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around his neck and pulled him in closer to me. It felt so good to taste him, and I hungered for it. Something came over me and I just couldn't stop it.
I heard a low clearing of a throat and was immediately snapped back from my hastiness. Oh God, my mom. She was watching and she saw all of that. I pulled away abruptly and wiggled uncomfortably in Harry's hold, willing for him to put me down. The heat that had resided in my chest rose immediately to my face, turning it the all too familiar shade of red.
"Oh God," the words escaped my mouth in a low whisper.
I heard Harry laugh quietly to himself and place a soothing hand on my shoulder, rubbing slowly to indicate that it wasn't so bad. I shook my head; what the hell was getting in to me? I was all over the place; not being logical, being bitchy to people, and kissing my boyfriend passionately in front of my mom. This was not me. Ok back to the task at hand, I had to eradicate what I had messed up earlier. I had to show Harry he was important to me, and this was my opportunity, if this didn't work, I didn't know what would.
I straightened my clothing, rubbing my cheeks gently, and wiped my mouth; his taste still lingering on my lips. I took a deep breath and grabbed hold of Harry's hand firmly and turned on my heel. I could see my mom at the end of the hallway, standing in the doorway uncomfortably. I started to walk towards her, pulling Harry closely behind me.
"Mom," I said reaching her, "I want you to meet Harry", I spoke firmly, pulling him beside me, still holding his hand tightly.
My mom's gaze fell to our intertwined hands and then back up to me. She smiled weakly.
"I've already met him sweetie," she said, playing dumb.
"No, I want you to meet Harry Judd," I said, all of a sudden getting noticeably nervous.
My mom just stared at me with a blank expression on her face, this time truly not being able to follow along.
"Mom, this is Harry," I paused looking up at him, "my boyfriend".
There was silence. Oh man, here it was, I was going to get it. The silence was painful, but I didn't want to break it, or really I just didn't know what to say. My mom had a shocked expression on her face; her eyes wide and her mouth motionless. I just held onto Harry's hand, not ever wanting to let go. I shuffled a little closer to him, pressing the side of my body up against his, finding a curve that almost fit my own perfectly, indicating that I belonged there. He was my safe haven, he made me feel calm and protected and I relished in that feeling.
"Well," my mom began to speak, "it's nice to meet you Harry Judd," she said, extending her arm out in front of her.
Harry was a little taken a back, but he quickly snapped back into form and went to shake her hand. A small smile crept up on his mouth as he shook my mom's hand, and then he pulled away from me and drew my mom into a light hug. He kissed her cheek quickly again, surprising my mom slightly, but really he was only recreating what had happened moments earlier.
"It's very nice to finally meet you," he said with a low chuckle in his voice.
"Finally?" my mom asked a little shocked.
"Well, she speaks so highly of you," he replied, there was that English charm yet again, managing to smooth out an already awkward situation.
"Oh, well isn't she just so sweet," my mom said sarcastically, turning a light shade of pink in the cheeks; I guess that's where I get it from.
I found myself clearing my throat, wanting to move on from this topic of interest. I had managed to finally tell my mom exactly who Harry was, and I felt a thousand pounds lighter. It was good to have it finally out in the open, and to have the two most important people in my life finally meet. Why had I been so stupid before? What the hell was I scared of? At this moment, I couldn't find a single excuse for my foolishness, and if I could have gone back in time, I would have kicked my own ass for being such an idiot.
"So, dinner?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Oh yes, dinner. It's almost ready, just give me 10 more minutes," my mom answered, re-entering the kitchen and busying herself with the pots on the stove again.
"Do you need any help?" I asked, following her in, never letting go of Harry's hand.
"Oh no sweetie, Harry was plenty of help before hand, I'm almost finished," she replied.
"Was he now?" I asked a little shocked.
I looked up at him, my eyebrow raised in an 'is that so?' sort of fashion. He smiled proudly and nodded his head, looking down at me and quickly pecking me on the cheek.
"Yes, yes I was," he said confidently.
"Well I never knew you could cook," I answered mockingly.
"There are certain things about me that you don't know yet," he answered matter-of-factly.
I faked a small shocked expression on my face, bringing my palm to my open mouth. I would have feigned more shock if I wasn't so God damn happy. He said 'yet'. When he said that line, he threw in a 'yet' on the end, indicating that someday I would; that he was going to keep me around, that we had the potential to last. It was little things like this that made me want to kick myself for ever doubting him, for ever doubting this. He was always so open about the way he felt about me, and the fact that he wanted to be with me, but I was always so closed off. Ok, new resolution. From now on, I was going to be fearless and open to Harry, letting him in fully and not holding anything back. I had to change, and it was going to be for the better. I had been so closed off for so long, and he wasn't around a lot, but that didn't matter; from now on no more boundaries.
I must have drifted off into my own world as I was vowing a change in myself because when I snapped back, both Harry and my mom were staring at me, waiting for some sort of answer.
"What?" I asked.
"You ok?" Harry asked, looking down at me.
"Oh yeah, sorry, what did you guys say earlier?" I spoke.
"I was just saying, would you mind setting the table?" my mom answered.
"Oh yeah sure, no problem," I answered, quickly turning around, pulling Harry towards the dining room by the hand that I had yet to let go of.
"I take it Harry is staying for dinner?" my mom called from the kitchen.
"Yeah he is," I screamed back, stealing a glance at him as I said those words.
Walking into the dining room, I quietly closed the door, only allowing a small click to be heard as the handle turned. I turned to him, leaning against the door, my face serious.
"Listen, I'm so sorry Harry," I said in a whisper, not wanting my mom to hear our conversation.
"Shhh, it's ok. I'm just glad that you finally introduced me to you mom," he said, a huge grin spreading across his face.
He moved closer to me and draped his arms on my hips, my head leaning against the hard wood of the door. We stood close to one another like this for a few moments, our eyes locked. I could feel his eyes scanning mine, searching for some hint of doubt that I may have been feeling after the scene in the kitchen, but he wouldn't find any. There was no doubt, no apprehension in my mind. I could not express how happy I was for what had just happened. It had taken me too long, far too long to get to where we were right now, but now I was just ecstatic.
He brought his hand softly to my cheek, cupping my face gently, stroking his thumb back and forth tenderly over the skin of my cheek. I smiled, probably the goofiest smile ever, but nonetheless, one of pure joy. I brought my hands to the zipper of his jacket and slowly undid it; he wasn't going to need this anymore, he wasn't going anywhere.
He closed the distance between us, my chin lifting to meet his lips in a soft and tender kiss. The moment our skin touched, heat exploded between us and an urgency built up. Our hands started to wander; his down my side to my jeans, and mine up and under his shirt. I wrapped my arms around his waist, still under his shirt, and pulled him abruptly towards me, his hands flying up quickly to brace himself on the door, straddling my head. My mouth worked furiously, massaging his lips with mine, tongues brushing against each other in a battle of dominance. Our breaths were short as our mouths continued to hunger for each other.
"Is everything ok in there?" I heard my mom scream from the kitchen.
"Shit, shit," I mumbled as I pushed him away abruptly, "yeah everything's fine," I replied.
What the hell was I doing? My mom was in the next room and here I was groping my boyfriend in a very compromising position, just asking to get caught. I quickly began to straighten my clothing, licking my lips, flattening my hair. I heard Harry laugh, and my head shot up to give him a stern look.
"Not funny," was all I said through clenched teeth.
"A little," he replied, flattening his own shirt and smoothing his hair.
"I think she's seen quite enough today, don't you think?" I asked him, slowly noticing the comical aspect of this scene; it really was a little funny.
"I guess so," he answered laughing still.
"Back to setting this table," I instructed him as he bent down to pick up his jacket, and made his way out of the dining room to hang it up.
The dinner was good, a lot less awkward than I thought it would be. The food was amazing, as usual; my mom always makes great food. I had missed her cooking; it made me realize how much I had truly missed home.
Harry and my mom seemed to get along, really well for that matter. It was a little un-nerving to be honest, I had never expected it. See my mom was a very straightforward, cut to the chase, in your face type of person, and since I grew up with her, I was used to it and loved her for it. But most people that met her for the first time found her a little rude, but Harry was the complete opposite; he laughed at her jokes, asked for her opinions and was just the perfect gentleman. He had held my hand loosely under the table for most of the dinner, and I kept catching myself stealing sideway glances at him as he spoke cheerily with my mom. God, I loved this guy, and the longer I sat there, the more my feelings were cemented into my heart. If he was able to get along with my mom, the most important person in my life, then he really could fit into my life. He really could get along with my friends and the rest of my family, I wanted him to, I wanted him to be a part of it. It was settled; I was going to integrate him into my life. I only had 2 days to do it, but I was going to do it nevertheless.
We had managed to sit at the dinner table for 3 hours. Long after the food was gone, the plates empty, we just sat there talking. At first my mom did a lot of the talking, asking simple questions like 'where are you from?', 'how did you meet', etc; all the typical questions someone asked about a couple. So the cat was out of the proverbial bag, my mom found out he wasn't really my lab partner and that he was actually from England and in a very popular band back there. The image of her choking slightly on her drink when she found out we had been going out for nearly 4 months was rather funny, but also heart breaking at the same time. She looked so hurt at that moment. I vividly remember her shocked expression when she found out he still lived in England, and that he only came down here to see me. My heart was racing at that moment, hands sweaty and I didn't dare look at her. This was going to be the breaking point to this all-too-perfect evening. I waited with baited breath for her to answer, Harry grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly to indicate that he was here for me.
"Well, I guess that shows great dedication Harry," my mom answered calmly.
What? That wasn't like her? She was being so kind and understanding. Normally she would have given me an hour lecture telling me how I was being stupid and reckless, but she wasn't doing that now. She was accepting it, and just being so great. It was one of two things; either she was actually accepting it and Harry had put some magical spell on her with his English charm and she really did like him and approve, or she was just being polite and I would get it later. I really hope it wasn't the latter.
The awkwardness of that moment passed and Harry became curious about my childhood, asking constantly about embarrassing stories and what I was like as a child. My mom gave the typical answers;
"Oh she was a handful, always so curious, stubborn and impossible".
"She used to do the cutest things, like put on performances for us during family gatherings".
"There was this one time when she liked a boy in kindergarten and insisted on making him her boyfriend, so one day I get a call from the teacher at work and she tells me that my daughter has been put in time out for kissing a boy, and then hitting him when he said he didn't want to be her boyfriend".
Oh God, not THAT story. My mom likes to pull that one out when she wants to truly embarrass me. That was one story I did NOT want Harry to hear. I mumble something incoherent into my hands, as I bury my face, feeling that all too familiar warm feeling spread across my cheeks. I hear Harry laugh loudly as I continue to shake my head in embarrassment. He wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into him.
"Oh she's not much different now," he comments, continuing to laugh.
"Hey!" I snap my head up in protest.
I scan the table and I'm surrounded by two laughing idiots holding their stomachs and shifting from side to side, unable to contain their amusement. I fold my arms across my chest, pout a little, trying to gain some sympathy, but none of them will have it. So I decide to get up, use my energy for something useful and clean up this mess. I start to make my way around the table, picking up plates and cutlery although you can barely hear it through the cackles coming from the two laughing idiots.
"Aw I'm sorry, where are you going?" Harry asked, grabbing my arm and pulling me back slightly, causing me to almost drop the plates from my hands.
"Well, while you jokers decide to make a mockery of my childhood, I'll start cleaning up," I said, taking turns glaring at my mom and then at Harry.
"Do you want some help with that sweetie?" my mom asked politely.
"Oh come on, you made the whole meal, the least I can do is clean it up," I responded, "but a certain English fellow could help," I suggested.
"Hey, I helped as well," he retorted in defence.
"He really did," my mom piped up coming to his rescue.
"Oh fine, I'll do it," I answered defeated.
They could see the sly smile that was trying to creep up on my face, but I held it back. They knew I was joking, so they continued to give me a hard time. I walked quickly out of the dining room and into the kitchen.
I scrubbed at the dishes, glancing out of the window above the sink into the dark night. I started to drift off, swimming in my own thoughts. I was really happy, everything was coming together; Harry had met my mother and the world did not explode. They were getting along, and now things could move forward. He had to appreciate what I had done, and I hoped that this grand gesture would make up for my complete bitchiness over the last couple of days. But my happiness was cut short. While I was daydreaming of this great life with Harry, I remembered earlier today. With the arrival of my mom, and the introduction of my boyfriend, I had shoved my previous devastation into the back of my mind. Ok so first thing was first; I had to tell Harry. I had to explain myself as to why I was so distant this morning.
"Ok sweetie, I'm off," my mom interrupted my daze.
"Oh ok, thank you so much for everything," I said, wiping my hands quickly on my jeans, rushing over to give her a big hug.
Harry had stayed in the dining room, picking up the remainder of the dishes, leaving just my mom and me. This is when I was going to hear it. I walked her to the door, grabbing her jacket and purse from the closet. We had a small awkward silence, and then she spoke.
"You should have told me," my mom stated simply.
"I know," I mumbled in a barely audible tone.
I felt like a little kid again, being reprimanded for doing something wrong. Well really, I had done something wrong, and I completely deserved her being angry with me.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
"It's ok, you just should have told me," my mom spoke again.
"I know," I repeated.
She pulled me into a tight hug, and squeezed me, showing me it was all right. I leaned my head on her shoulder and let out a deep sigh. My whole body relaxed and fell into the hug. It was nice.
"I approve…" my mom said, pausing, "for now," she finished.
"What?" I asked in disbelief.
I pulled away from her, keeping her an arm's length away, my hands firmly planted on her shoulders. I had a look of complete and utter astonishment.
"He seems like a nice boy, and he comes to see you here all the way from England? Must mean something," she finished. "Just be careful," my mom warned.
"I will," I answered, pulling her into a final hug, "thank you," I whispered.
She didn't say anything, just laughed and picked up her purse. She went for the door, but I quickly ran to it and unlocked it for her.
"Call me more often eh?" she suggested sarcastically.
"Definitely, sorry," I answered, watching her as she made her way down the steps of my porch.
I watched her walk down the street all the way to her car. She parked further away from my house, I guess it was planned to keep her arrival a surprise. How had I missed it walking home? I guess I had been preoccupied. I finally closed the door as her car disappeared down my street, locking it and leaning my forehead against it, taking in deep breaths, bracing myself for what was to come next. I had some major explaining to do, and there was no turning back.
As I walked into the kitchen, Harry had his back to me, doing dishes in the sink. He was bobbing his head from side to side, humming a tune, tapping his foot repeatedly. He looked so God damn adorable at that moment, lost in his world, comfortable; I felt myself smile widely, letting out a content silent sigh. I walked up slowly, quietly, not wanting to disturb him. I wrapped my arms around his waist; he jumped a little, but calmed as I rested my head against his back.
"You don't have to do that, I can clean up," I said in a calm voice, closing my eyes and breathing in his all too familiar smell.
"It's ok, I just finished," he answered, wiping his hands on the towel beside the stove.
He then turned around in my arms and wrapped his own around my neck. He gently kissed the top of my head, brushing my hair back gingerly, twirling the ends in his fingertips. I took in another deep breath, wanting to stay this way forever, committing his smell and feel to memory.
"My mom liked you," I said, breaking the comfortable silence.
"Did she now?" he asked sarcastically.
"Yes, and that's not usual. So you must be special," I said absent-mindedly.
"Special? Like 'don't stick that in your nose' special?" he asked.
I laughed loudly at his stupid comment, but it was so cute at the same time. I lifted my head off his chest and looked up at him. He had a small smile on his lips, his eyes scanning my face, his breath dancing gently across my skin, sending shivers down my spine. I stretched up to his face, bringing my face to within millimetres of his, my lips hovering just under his, the skin barely brushing against his lips. I took in a slow, deep breath, and then closed the final distance between us, crashing my lips onto his. His hands immediately dropped to the small of my back, lifting me up closer to him, my arms wrapping around his neck for stability. We remained in the passionate embrace for moments, our hands frantically wandering, our breaths shortening. He turned me around, still in his arms, my back hitting the cool kitchen counter top. He leaned into me, dropping his hands to either side of me, bracing himself on the countertop behind me. I leant back further, his weight over whelming, engulfing me in the heat that his mouth stirred in my lips. Every inch of his body was pressed up against mine, only thin layers of clothing separating the radiating heat from our bodies. He brought one hand to the back of my neck, pushing my face further into his, hunger consuming him. With his other arm, he wrapped it around my middle and lifted me up, sitting me on the counter, stepping in between my legs, wrapping them around him. The heat was rising quickly, my face flushed from his touch. He still managed to have this effect on me, even after everything that happened, but it was more consuming this time, took hold of me more abruptly. I welcomed it, passing it off as me finally opening up completely to him, letting him into the deepest crevices of my heart, ones that had never been allowed access to. It scared the hell out of me, but having him here now with his arms firmly placed around me, made me feel he would always be here to catch me.
I pulled away, not wanting to get carried away in the public kitchen in case my housemates decided to walk in. My breathing was short, my face still pink and hot from the previous embrace. I looked down, focusing on my hands fiddling with his shirt. He brought his hand gently under my chin, lifting it up.
"Let's move this upstairs," he said with a cheeky glint in his eyes and a seductive smirk on his lips.
He moved away, grabbing my hand, going to pull me off the counter top, but I pulled him back.
"Wait, I have to tell you something," I interrupted his actions.
He spun back around, and looked me straight in the eyes.
"What is it?" he asked full of concern, walking back towards me, brushing my cheek softly with the back of his hand.
"About this morning…" I started.
"Forget about it, I was being moody and nosey, it was none of my business and I shouldn't have pushed you," he began to apologize.
Damn it, why was he being so great? He had nothing to apologize for, yet here he was openly expressing regret, being so understanding, taking all the blame for this morning's argument.
"Stop Harry," I interrupted.
He stopped abruptly and went dead quiet. He just looked at me waiting for me to speak.
"You have nothing to apologize for, it was all me. I was being bitchy and I shouldn't have kept things from you," I started to apologize.
"So there was something you were keeping from me?" he asked.
"Yes," I answered, pausing, contemplating on how to continue.
"Oh," he said, hurt evident in his voice.
"Ok, I'm so sorry Harry, I shouldn't keep things from you, and I promise from now on no more secrets. I promise. I am an open book. This morning, when I checked my email, I got one from the university Administrator," I paused again; it was hard for me to continue, I could feel the tears prick my eyes.
He didn't' say anything, just urged me to continue, wiping away the single stray tear from my cheek. I took in another deep breath.
"They told me I was on probation," I finally said, barely louder than a whisper, vocalizing my short-comings for the first time.
"What?" he said shocked.
I let out a deep sigh, "I'm on probation," I repeated.
"What, like for jail?" he asked.
"No, academic probation," I said, smirking only slightly at his previous comment.
"That's why I was off this morning, I was in complete shock, I didn't know what was happening. I should have told you, I'm so sorry, but I was just… I… I was lost," I said, more tears cascading down my cheeks.
He pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around my back, rubbing gently up and down to calm my nerves. He was just being so sweet, what had I ever done to deserve someone as great as him?
"So I went this morning to see the people in Administration, to find out what was going on, and they told me that I was on academic probation due to my marks; they had slipped and I wasn't doing well enough to keep my scholarship," I said into his shirt, tears staining it.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry," he said soothingly, continuing to hold me tightly.
"Don't apologize, it's not you fault," I told him, my head still firmly pressed against his chest.
"But I've been distracting you, and I've caused so many problems…" he started.
"Stop Harry, stop that," I said sternly pulling my head up, "it is in NO way your fault. That's why I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want you to blame yourself in any way. This is all my doing," I explained to him.
"But I wasn't any help. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have surprised you by coming down, I should have considered your life and not just expected you to drop everything for me…" he began to rant on and on.
I just brought my lips to his, not knowing any other way to truly shut him up. He mumbled something into my mouth but I pressed harder, my mouth moving on his. He finally responded into the kiss, his tongue brushing against my bottom lip, making my knees go weak. I pulled away from him, keeping my forehead pressed against his, looking down on him, a rarity since I'm shorter than him, but taking full advantage that I was still sitting on the counter.
"Listen to me. I have NEVER, ever, regretted being with you and you coming down here was the best surprise I could have asked for. You make me so unbelievably happy and I love having you here with me. I am not my complete self when you're away, and I break apart every time you leave. I love you Harry, and if I could, I would drop everything just to be with you," I said, looking straight into his eyes, not once breaking eye contact.
"Say it again," he said quietly.
"What? The WHOLE thing?" I asked loudly, pulling away from him.
"No, the part where you said you loved me," he said, a sly smile playing on his lips.
"What? But I've said it before," I spoke, blushing slightly.
"But I like hearing it," he answered, the smile growing on his face.
"Oh. I…love…you…Harry…Judd," I said in between placing soft kisses all over his face.
He then scooped me up in his arms abruptly, carrying me out of the kitchen and in the direction of the stairs. His lips were pressed firmly on mine, moving gently, sending both heat and chills through every inch of my body. It was filled with emotion, so raw and immense that I thought the world would be unable to contain it. Everything was out in the open for me, I don't know about Harry, but from my side there were no secrets. That's where the nagging feeling came from, my uncertainty of what was going on in Harry's head, but I would truly never know. And that's where my trust would have to come in, where I would have to give in completely and put my heart in his hands. So that's what I did. As he carried me in his strong arms, I felt so safe, and so content that it mirrored my emotional state for the first time.
"I love you too," he mumbled into my lips.
My heart fluttered at those words. It didn't matter how many times he said it, it would always have the same effect on me, making me so unbelievably happy. I wanted to hear it over and over again, the tone of his voice, the feel of his lips on mine as he said it permanently imprinted in my mind. I wanted to just be with him. I wanted him. All of him, and there was no more denying how hard I had fallen for him.