Chapter 22 – '… ever before'
"Wow," I gasped, lying down heavily onto the bed, "you should consider doing that professionally," I joked.
I heard a low laugh, as his body shook gently, the breathing still erratic and unsteady. I was flushed, the heat inside me dissipating slowly, leaving me completely limp and unable to move. How he managed to make me feel this way I still couldn't grasp, but it was unbelievable. The wanting and urgency between us was still there, after all this time, all that we have been through this past week, and it seemed to have grown in strength, consuming us each time we touched. I wasn't able to control myself around him, a hunger almost, that would creep up inside me when he was close. I don't know what it was that would spark this reaction. Was it that I truly felt this longing for him and never really wanted to let go? Was it the fact that he would be leaving soon and I was just being greedy now; wanting to savour and remember everything about him? I'm sure it was a mixture of both, and every time I thought about the latter, it made me realize that he really was leaving, and I would have to deal with it eventually. I shook my head gently, trying to derail my train of thought, away from this all too familiar destination, and focus on what I had in front of me; well beside me. I had this great, gorgeous guy who loved me, and had been accepted by my mom. What more could I ask for. Maybe for him to live in the same country?
I felt his body shift close to me, bringing the skin of his stomach in contact to the skin of my side. The heat immediately rose in my body, sending each nerve ending into a frenzy, buzzing with excitement. I took a short, deep breath, startled slightly by his touch. He brought his hand softly to my face, and marked a soft trail on my cheek, across my jaw, down my neck gently, and was left circling on my collarbone. I continued to stare upwards towards the ceiling, unable to control the fury that was building under my skin. I could feel his breath dance across the side of my neck, as he moved further up, grazing my ear with his lips and nibbling it teasingly. He was driving me crazy. I snapped my head sideways, catching him off guard. He recoiled slightly, and our eyes caught. I stared deep into them, not wanting to ever break this contact between us. I held my breath, my chest tightening slightly, the emotion inside me over-whelming and making my head spin. How is it possible to feel this strongly about someone? If I was watching from the outside, I would be the first to ridicule, but I was trapped inside, willingly trapped in this amazing feeling.
I suddenly snapped out of my thoughts, and launched towards him, catching his lips in mine, his touch immediately filling all my senses. My hands followed my lips at once, wrapping around his head, pulling him in even closer, if possible. I felt our noses touch, my lips slightly numb from the electrifying contact between us, the breathing shorter and shorter, the hunger consuming us. I rolled on top of him, his hands finding my back and hips without delay. The soft touch of his hands on my skin sent me further into my nose-dive, building the urgency in the kiss I was sharing with him. I gently bit his bottom lip one last time, savouring the moment, and pulled away, the air filling my lungs quickly and loudly. His breathing was shallow, escaping him once I launched my assault. He had a complete blank look on his face, mirroring mine. I searched his eyes, unsure of what, but I found myself scanning them, lost in their depths.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled breathlessly, noticing I was staring.
I went to roll off, but the grip around me tightened and I was whipped back into my previous position. The corner of his lips curled into a smirk, my eyes focusing on his, stealing glances of that smirk, wanting to attach my lips to his again.
"What the hell are you apologizing for? I quite enjoyed that," he answered, letting out a low sound that I could only take as a laugh.
I blushed furiously, burying my face into his chest, shifting upwards to find the crook of his neck. I relaxed into the embrace, letting every inch of my body come into contact with his. I don't know what I was apologizing for, maybe for my thoughts, but he couldn't read them, he had no idea what was going on in my head. I didn't really know myself, all of this was new to me, but maybe this is what I meant when I said that I was going to be open with him, this was what I had to do, I had to let him know what was racing around in my mind.
"I don't want you to leave," I mumbled suddenly into his skin, inhaling his scent in the process.
His body tensed momentarily, and then he relaxed, letting out a long, deep breath. I felt his hand reach for my hair, stroking it gently, sweeping it across the bare skin of my shoulders, sending tiny shivers as his fingertips brushed against my hot skin accidentally. This is what I meant, how does a simple touch like that make my mind go all fuzzy and warm?
"I don't want to leave, if I could stay I would, but I can't," he said, the sadness and regret entangled in each word that left his mouth.
"I know," I whispered, my head firmly placed into the side of his neck, kissing it gently as we spoke.
There was silence. We were stuck. I didn't want him to leave, he didn't want to leave, but he couldn't stay, and that was that. There was no changing it. I had my life here, and he had his in England; our lives only ever intertwining occasionally, leaving us longing for more. No matter how much we wanted to be together, I can't just up and leave everything I have here, the only thing I have known my entire life to be in his life. And there was no way he could uproot his life to be here, he had too many commitments being in the public eye. I would never even think of asking him to do that, he was doing exactly what he loved, and how could I ask him to give that up? I was not that person.
I didn't notice the single tear that had escaped my eye, landing on his chest, forging a path down the skin towards the bed. He pulled me away from him and brought his hand instinctively to my face, brushing away the moisture from my cheek. He looked torn, and I hated the fact that I had caused this. I had caused all the pain, the trouble, the complications that he didn't need; he was supposed to be having the time of his life, and here I was telling him I didn't want him to leave. I was being selfish, and I despised myself for this.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," I said, staring into his eyes, holding back the flood of tears that were on the brink of cascading down my cheeks.
"No you should," he said simply, continuing to stare at my face, shifting his gaze from my eyes, to my lips, continuing to stroke my cheek ever so gently with his thumb. "I want to hear it, I want to know, it just kills me that I cause you so much grief," he said, finally breaking the stare and looking down.
It looked like he lowered his head in shame almost. I couldn't believe it; he shouldn't be shameful, he was being the greatest boyfriend a girl could ask for. He had put so much effort into this thing between us, more than any normal boy would have. I still didn't know what he saw in me really, he could have any girl in England, hell he could probably charm any girl in the world, yet he stuck around for me. Why?
"You don't cause me grief Harry," I whispered, shifting down his body, to be level with his face, "you make me so unbelievably happy," I said, bringing my lips to his, caressing them gently and tenderly, wanting to transfer my happiness of being with him through the kiss.
I brought my hands to the sides of his face, framing it softly, bringing my shoulders up as my mouth continued to move upon his, brushing my tongue gently across his bottom lip, him responding immediately. His hands dropped to the small of my back as he rolled me over, so we lay side by side, locked in an embrace, our bodies tangled together, and every inch of skin in contact between us. My heart did somersaults, my chest tightening and then relaxing, my legs numb from the simple act of his lips on mine. I was a dead woman; this boy had the power to make me go completely weak and surrender to him with a simple kiss.
"It's the damn Atlantic Ocean that causes me grief, and the fact that I can't teleport," I said with a completely serious look on my face, pulling away from his face, breaking the kiss and resting my head on the pillow beside him.
He paused for a second, contemplating what I said, and then broke into a thunderous laugh, grabbing me by the shoulders and wrapping his arms tightly around me. I felt his chest rise and fall quickly as he continued to laugh, unable to stifle my own laugh as well. He pulled me to an arm's length away from him, staring at me, a huge smile now residing on his lips.
"Teleporting?" he said, raising a single eyebrow quizzically.
"Yeah, teleporting," I repeated, shaking my head in affirmation. "If I could teleport, I could come and visit you every night and be back here in time for my morning lectures," I said matter-of-factly.
He just laughed again, shaking his head, bringing me close to him, placing his lips gently on mine in a light peck.
"And that's why I love you. Only you would come up with a super power to solve all our problems," he said, sighing deeply at the end, continuing to stare at me with that goofy smile on his face.
"And that's the only reason you love me huh?" I said, inching away from him, trying to sound offended.
"Well it does help that you're dynamite in bed, but I taught you everything you know so…" he trailed off, flinching slightly in preparation for a smack from me.
"Well I never," I said, gasping, shoving him sharply on the shoulder, continuing to inch further away from him.
"Well you were the one that said I should be a professional," he said smugly, grinning widely, with a look of pride on his face.
"Well I was delirious," I said in my defence, the small smile creeping up on my face, fighting every urge not to laugh and spoil this silly conversation.
"Would you like me to make you delirious again?" he said, smiling, nudging close to me, running his hand up and down my side.
The chills shot through my body once again, met by uncontrollable heat and desire that rippled under my skin. His face was right in front of mine, his breath gently playing on my neck as he brought his lips to the skin below my chin, placing hot, wet kisses across the length, moving from one side to the other. He moved back up, finishing with a slow and long lingering kiss on my lips, his lips parting and tongue brushing across my own. He grabbed my hand, and intertwined his fingers through mine, bringing my hand to his chest, as his other arm pulled me in close to him. He pulled away slowly, leaving me breathless once again.
"I like this," I said quietly, stealing light kisses from his cheeks, lips and neck.
"I can't complain," he replied boldly, letting his head drop back a little, as I made my way to his neck.
I gave him a gentle bite, a little harder than usual, wanting to cause a little pain for all those cheeky comments that I was getting tonight.
"Ouch," he yelled abruptly, flinching and pulling away from me.
I erupted into laughter, finding his expression hilarious as he rubbed his neck furiously, trying to ease the pain from the spot where I bit him.
"That's what you get for being so God damn cheeky," I said.
"Didn't know you liked it kinky," he said, raising his eyebrows.
He was full of it tonight, so God damn cocky and sarcastic. But I loved it. I liked joking around with him, and his humour was exactly like mine, so I never found it offensive, I just found it hilarious. I remember when I once told my friend something that Harry said to me and she was so shocked, telling me I should have slapped him right there and then, but I just laughed in her face, telling her that I had found it unbelievably hysterical.
"I can bite harder next time, I can draw blood," I warned him, inching closer to him.
"Ok, ok, I surrender," he said, raising his arms in defeat.
"You're such a pushover Judd," I said, shuffling into his side, wanting his touch, needing to feel him right beside me.
"Only for you," he said, gently brushing my hair away, resting his chin on the top of my head.
There was a moment of calm between us, our breathing the only sound penetrating the silence of the room. I could hear the soft thumping of his heart in his chest; it was soothing, hypnotic almost. I kept thinking that that heart kind of belonged to me in a sense, and it just made me so happy.
"So I want to have a party," I said, breaking the silence.
"What?" he asked, shifting under me so that he could face me.
"I want to have a party," I repeated.
"What for?" he asked.
"Well, for you in a sense," I replied, laughing at the stupidity of that sentence.
"Well I know I'm fantastic," he said sarcastically, bringing his hand to his chest, "but why do you want to have a party for me?" he asked again.
"Well I was thinking that maybe I could invite all my friends over and you could finally meet them," I said, suddenly getting a little hesitant, not knowing if it was a good idea, but I was putting it out in the open, like I had promised.
He didn't say anything; he just continued to stare at me. I got a little nervous, starting to fiddle with my fingers seeing as I wasn't wearing a shirt, but if I had been, you would have found my fingers furiously twisting the hem. I looked down, unable to keep staring into his blank expression, not knowing how he would react.
Suddenly his lips were on mine again, and his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. I was taken off guard, so it took me a second to respond, but only a second. I feel back into place, my lips moving instinctively upon his, my arms wrapping around his neck. I didn't know why he was kissing me really, but I didn't need an excuse to have my lips on his, if I could, I would have them permanently glued into place, but that's just silly. He pulled away, leaving me breathless once again. There was the effect he had on me, I was so weak.
"What was that for?" I asked, not really caring, but not wanting to revisit the slightly awkward situation we had before when I offered to introduce him to my friends.
"That was a yes," he said softly, that same smirk curling the corner of his mouth.
"A yes?" I asked, trying to make sure I was hearing him correctly.
"Yeah, I think the party's a great idea. I want to meet your friends," he said, the smirk being replaced by a genuine smile.
I just scooted closer, crashing my lips to his, wrapping my arms around his neck, rolling myself on top of him and smothering him with kisses all over his face. I was so happy that he accepted, and I could hear him laugh as I continued my assault on him, not leaving a centimetre of skin bare from my kisses. He stopped me by catching my lips with his, moving under mine as his hands found the back of my head, tangling his fingers in my hair.
"I'm so happy you said yes, hhmmphf…" I mumbled into his lips but he just pushed my head in closer to his, my lips pressed harder onto his, shutting me up instantly.
I couldn't help the grin that broke out onto my lips, finding myself smiling into the kiss, his lips mirroring mine as a smile crept up on his. We were two goofy love fools, lost in each other's world, smiling stupidly into a kiss, laughing out of pure joy.
"When do you want to have it?" he asked me, as I was placed back onto the mattress, laying beside him, my hands tracing small figures over the skin of his chest.
"Well, I guess it has to be tomorrow night. Well really, tonight," I corrected myself, glancing at the clock over Harry's shoulder, "since you leave tomorrow," I finished, my voice uncontrollably dropping as I uttered the last words.
Why did I have to bring that up again? I guess it was inevitable, we had to deal with it, and it was healthier to have it out in the open, then to brush it under some figurative rug, only having it sneak up on us later. I looked at Harry, giving him a weak smile, not wanting to dampen the evening we'd been having.
"I'm sorry," he said, apologizing yet again for something that he couldn't change.
"Will you stop apologizing; it's not your fault. It's just a fact, and I don't want you feeling guilty over something that none of us can change," I said firmly, trying to get it into his head that it was in no way his fault. "Plus, we can have a blow-out and get completely plastered at the party and then suffer in the morning, just like all university students do, won't that be fun?" I said, trying to lighten the mood.
Harry paused, scanning my eyes for any sign of sadness, but I hid it away, masked it over, finding that it was something that was not needed right now.
"Well I do love being sick and throwing up," he replied sarcastically.
"That's my boy," I said jokingly, shuffling close to him again, draping his arm over me in a protective manner.
He began to softly stroke my hair, brushing my shoulder gently on occasion, the slight trace of fire igniting in my nerves as he did so. He traced small circles on the skin of my back and lulled me to sleep. I remember his soft touch, the slight tickle from his breath on my cheek, and the rhythmic beating of his heart in his chest, as I rested my head on it. The beating of his heart came into rhythm with my own, the loud thumps echoing in my ear, coming alive in the presence of one another.
The next sound I heard was the soft beeping of my alarm clock, getting progressively louder as time passed. I shifted my head ever so gently along Harry's chest, waking up in the exact position I had fallen asleep in, wrapped in Harry's arms. My eyes caught his face as I shifted towards the clock, and I was staring yet again. I was snapped out of it as the beeping continued to get louder, and Harry began to stir. I quickly reached over and slammed my hand on the snooze button, recoiling immediately into the warmth of the covers and Harry's body. 8:00 a.m., I still had time; I didn't have to be at school until noon, a stupid habit of mine to set my alarm unnecessarily early. I could just lay there with him.
I found my finger tracing small circles across his chest, relishing again in the soft beats of his heart pounding in his chest, feeling the rise and fall as he took in deep breaths, feeling the air against my hair as he exhaled through his nose. I was a fool, having fallen so hard for a boy, focusing and relishing on little things about him, just wanting to be in constant contact with him. It wasn't only love, but lust as well. Normally lust subsides after the initial 'honeymoon' phase, but it just stuck around between us. I think it had to do with the fact that we were apart all the time; we had 'been together' for four months, but collectively, I think we had spent a total of about two months together, so I guess we were still technically in the early stages.
I felt his hand reach for my hair and stroke it gently, indicating that he had woken up. I just continued to lie there, resting my head on his chest heavily, not really wanting to move. He started to stir, but I just held my place, restricting his movements. He started to wiggle underneath me, wanting to get up, but I continued to lay heavily on him, pretending to sleep. Thank God, I wasn't really facing him but down, because I couldn't stop from smiling.
"I know you're not sleeping," he said groggily, continuing to squirm underneath me.
I didn't say anything; I just continued to lay there, breathing in deeply to try and mimic a state of slumber. He abruptly wrapped him arms around my waist and flung me up and off of him, rolling on top of me, reversing the previous positions we took. My eyes were wide from shock now, staring straight into his, my heart beating rapidly in my chest. I raised my hand and smacked him on the shoulder, him only responding in laughter.
"You almost gave me a heart attack, what if I was sleeping, I could have died of shock," I said loudly, my voice raising in pitch at the end.
"But you weren't now were you," he said, that smug expression residing on his face yet again.
I lifted my head and met his lips with mine, that all too familiar tingle rushing from my mouth, down my neck and into my spine. He lowered himself on to me, the weight suffocating me slightly, not sure whether it was truly the weight or just the kiss itself.
"You're a lucky man Judd," I said breathlessly, pulling away from him, burying my head into the pillow on the bed, as he remained hovering above me.
He rolled sideways, off of me, but not away from me. His body was still firmly pressed against mine, the heat never once leaving my skin. I turned my head, keeping my body laying flat, and looked into his face. He was lying on his side; head propped up, elbow digging into in the pillow, his free hand playing absent-mindedly with the ends of my hair. His stare was focused through me; his eyes and face facing me, but he wasn't quite looking at me, but more past me.
"We have a lot to do today," I said, snapping him out of his day dream.
"Huh? What?" he said, trying to focus on me.
"I said, we have a lot to do today," I repeated.
"Oh do we now?" he said cheekily, shuffling closer to me, wrapping his arms around me once again, trying to resume the previous compromising position we were in.
"Dirty mind Judd, not THAT kind of busy," I answered, pulling away from him, shuffling across the bed, hopping off, looking for something to cover myself, being rather indecent at the moment.
"Well what better to do huh?" he asked, his eyebrows raising again as he rested his head against the headboard, sitting up and pulling up the covers with him.
"Well, we do have this great party to plan no?" I reminded him, slipping into an old sweater and some jeans.
"Oh yeah, well I guess we do have a lot to do, if we're going to make this one memorable party, in honour of me of course," he said smugly, looking around the room for some praise; he wasn't going to get it from me.
"Yeah sure, whatever," I replied walking out of the room and into the bathroom.
After my shower and getting ready, I walked down the stairs, book bag packed, into the living room to find a clean and decent Harry, dressed and ready to go. He looked amazing by the way, managing to make my breath catch in my throat gently as I walked into the room. He was watching some sport on TV, completely enthralled, not even paying attention to me as I fell down beside him onto the sofa.
"How the hell did you manage to get completely ready and be down here before me," I asked, astonished at the feat.
"Well while you were washing, I went and found a towel, and when you came out and started to get ready, I rushed into the shower and just managed to finish before you. Boys do get ready faster than girls do," he answered me, not once looking away from the screen, talking as if what he was saying was a simple fact.
"Anyways," I said, seeing that he wasn't really paying much attention to me, "What are you watching?" I asked, suddenly interested in the television screen.
"Cricket. Did you know that you get matches here?" he said, a little shocked at the fact.
"Yeah, but it's only like India and Pakistan and the international league no?" I said, trying to pay attention to what was happening on the screen, but I was useless with this cricket stuff.
I settled back into the sofa, sinking into the cushion, pulling out my microbiology textbook and cracking it open. I didn't have to be at school for another 2 hours, so I could catch up on some studying. It was nice just sitting here with Harry, doing 'normal couple' things, like watching TV together, mind you I wasn't really watching, but nonetheless it was normal.
"Oh I can turn this off if we have to leave," he said, searching for the remote control.
"Nah, go ahead, watch the game, and I'll just read this," I replied, not looking up from the text in front of me.
"You sure?" he asked hesitantly.
"Why would I tell you you could and not really mean it?" I asked, finally looking up at him.
"Well, when most girls say, 'oh that's fine' or 'yeah sure' they usually have some secret meaning behind it," he said, quickly stealing glances of the TV screen.
"Well, I'm not like that, and you know that. That is one of the many reasons you are with me, because I'm just so great. Now go on, watch, I have to read this anyways," I said, pointing to the screen, trying to divert his attention back to the game.
He laughed loudly, pulling me into him, wrapping himself around me and planting soft, sweet kisses all over my face.
"Agh, you're smothering me Harry," I squealed from underneath him.
He pulled back, and laid me against his side, draping his arm over my shoulders heavily. I inhaled his scent, it was clean, but it still smelt of him, making me slightly light headed again. I focused back onto the text, relishing in the moment we were sharing right now. I know I said it before, but it was just so normal. This is what I wanted, just to be normal with him, and have these quiet moments with him.
After two hours of trying to read but being constantly disrupted by the incessant jumping up and screaming congratulatory cheers and being hit in the head a couple times as Harry watched the game, I had to leave for school. I didn't know someone could get so riled up over a game, where teams that he didn't particularly care for played, by only watching it. I lost count of the number of times he had jumped up off the couch, my weight dropping immediately from the lack of support and falling backwards. It was cute really, but needless to say, I didn't get much reading done.
Harry had insisted on walking me to school, but I told him he was being ridiculous, he could stay and watch the rest of the game, and I would meet him back here. I only had an hour lecture, but I couldn't miss it, so I would quickly slip out and be back with Harry before he knew it. Then we could go off and get all we needed for the party. I also had to go to school to talk to my friends, invite them, convince them that a few hours was not short notice for an invitation, the fact that finals were coming up didn't mean that we couldn't have a party and get them to help me spread the word to my other friends and set up. That wasn't much to do in two hours, not at all. Please note the sarcasm.
"So how long will you be at school?" he asked me again, as if he was checking for something.
"Probably two hours," I replied, slipping on my jacket.
"Ok, so you'll be back here in two hours?" he asked, checking once again.
What was he getting at?
"Yes, two hours sharp… sir," I threw in at the end for spite, smiling slightly.
"Hey, no need to be cheeky," he protested, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into another kiss.
It was a long, lingering, slow kiss that made my knees go weak yet again. The jolts of electricity that shot through my spine were undeniably earth shattering, but it was obvious now that he had a way with me, and all I could do was embrace it and relish in the incredible feeling.
Ahem. I heard my housemate clear her throat as she came down the stairs. I pulled away from him, the red resting in my cheeks, looking up at him, smiling at the fact that we kept finding ourselves in these compromising positions. We really couldn't keep our hands off each other.
"Ok, I'll see you later," I said, reaching for the door, turning the handle.
"Yeah, in two hours," he called after me.
What was it about the time that he insisted on emphasizing? It made me feel weird, but maybe he was just being cautious or something, or maybe he had some plans that he didn't want me to know about. Maybe he had something that he was keeping from me, and in that two hour span of time that I was gone, he was going to tend to that. No. I wasn't going to start doubting him again. I bundled myself tighter in my jacket, the cold wind nipping at my face. Why did I always jump straight to conclusions?