Chapter 24 – 'I need you…'
The next few hours were filled with hectic and manic panic. We had arrived home and realized I had no food and nothing to drink. So we had to run an errand to the grocery store, the liquor store and then the take-out place; there was no way I was cooking for everyone, so take-out food would have to suffice.
Getting in the car, classical music began to blast from the speakers. I quickly changed the radio station and turned down the volume feverishly, not once looking at Harry, knowing that he was making a face, preparing to make fun of me in one fashion or another.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa what was that?" he asked, his laughter on the brink of bursting.
"Nothing," I answered quickly, trying to focus my attention back on the road, equally aware that my face was a lovely shade of red from embarrassment.
"Aw, you're so cute when you blush," he said in a low voice, bringing his hand up to gently brush my cheek.
Although I couldn't see it, I'm sure the hue of my face darkened exponentially from his touch and I was finding it rather hot in the confined space of the car.
"It was classical music, I like to listen to it when I drive sometimes, especially at night, ok?" I explained to him, not breaking eye contact from the road once but very aware that he was staring at me. My face was going to explode if he kept staring at me like that.
"Aw it's cute, in a nerdy yet posh way," he said, laughing at his own joke.
"Oh, shut up," I said, for lack of a better defence.
He began to shuffle through the local radio stations, finally landing on one that he liked, and sat back in his seat comfortably. We drove around in silence for a while, only the sound of the music from the radio blaring through the speakers, filling the car. Harry began to tap away a rhythm with the beat of the song, tapping his hands on his knees, the ball of his foot moving up and down repeatedly in time to the music. He looked so adorable drumming away absent-mindedly; I couldn't help but stifle a laugh as I tried to focus on the road.
"What?" he asked, breaking the silence, stopping his previous tapping, noticing that I was laughing to myself.
"Nothing," I replied quickly, continuing to laugh under my breath.
"What's so bloody funny?" he asked again, turning to me.
"It's just you look so cute when you play like that," I explained, feeling my cheeks burn yet again at my admission that I was watching him.
"Play what?" he asked confused.
"You know, you were tapping that rhythm with the music, it's like you were playing your drums. It was cute," I said not looking at him.
"I was? I didn't even notice," he replied, continuing to face me.
I ripped my stare from the road ever so briefly to catch a glimpse of him, and he was staring straight at me with that all-too-familiar grin plastered on his lips.
"I like it when you play," I stated matter-of-factly, trying not to embarrass myself too much, but suddenly feeling the need for him to know how much I liked watching him play, not to mention how hot he looked while he was doing it.
"You do now?" he asked mischievously, placing his hand ever so softly on my knee, causing me to swerve slightly on the road. He broke out into laughter at the effect he had on me.
"Yeah I do," I said clearing my throat, trying to avoid any more humiliation for this afternoon. "It would be great to see you play live sometime, I only ever get to see you play on videos and such that I find on the internet, not the same as the real thing right?" I said, laughing at the absurdity of my own statement.
"It would be awesome if you could come out to see some of the shows, I would love having you there," he said, the excitement rising in his voice.
"Yeah, it would be great, but too bad I'm not in England so I could come to your shows," I said, not even thinking of what I was really saying.
Silence filled the car. Here we were again; stuck. I wanted to be where he was, he wanted to be where I was, but we couldn't leave where we were individually. Stuck. I heard him breathe loudly, the rush of the air leaving his lungs suddenly becoming the most prominent sound in the car.
"Sorry," I whispered.
"Don't apologize, it just sucks," he said, grabbing my hand in his loosely, intertwining our fingers together.
"I know," I replied, glancing sideways, trying to give him some sort of a reassuring smile, but it turned out lop-sided and his own smile mirrored that of mine.
And that's where we left it. There was no point in talking about it anymore, we had talked about it to death, exhausted all possibilities, all scenarios and come to the same conclusion that we came to each time we talked about it; we were stuck. So we continued to drive in a silent calm, the same thought rushing through both our heads; I wish I could change this.
Stumbling through the door, both our hands filled with bags and food, we made our way to the kitchen. I had bumped into one of my housemates and she looked confused as to why I had so much stuff in my hands, then it clicked. In all my rush and hurry to plan this party and get everything I needed, I had forgotten to ask my housemates if it was ok to actually throw this party. Damn it.
After begging and pleading with my three housemates, I got an approval from one, a disappointed look from another, and one just stormed out and said she would spend the night in the library. I felt awful, but my guilt was a little clouded by my sheer excitement and nervousness of introducing Harry to my friends.
"So I get to see you all fancy tonight don't I?" Harry asked while I began to change in my room.
"Fancy? Well a little I guess, but what, you don't approve of my everyday look?" I asked with my back turned to him, a small curl playing excitedly on my lips.
"Oh no, I didn't mean it like that. I just uh… I like how you look and…" Harry began to stammer.
I liked to rile him up a little every once in a while, catch him in what he says and make him a little flustered. It was nice not to be the bumbling fool for once.
"I'm only kidding, I know what you meant," I said, turning to face him, giving him a sly wink while giggling softly under my breath.
"I like what you're wearing now," he said with a seductive undertone in his voice.
"Yes, because jeans and a bra is very practical to wear to a party," I replied sarcastically.
I began to walk towards the bathroom, but was abruptly stopped by two arms wrapping themselves around my waist and pulling me towards the bed. We stumbled backwards together, his lips softly brushing the skin of my neck, my eyes closing in response to the heat that was building up inside me once again. One hand remained firmly coiled around my waist, while the other traced across the skin of my stomach and up my chest to my jaw, where he cupped my face gently in his hand.
Our mouths met in an electrifying kiss that instantly numbed my lips, causing my knees to go weak yet again, and the color of my cheeks to change into the all too familiar shade of red. One kiss and he managed to make me loose all my composure and become filled with an urgency to wrap my arms around him and have my lips attached to his.
We remained standing like that; wrapped up in each other, mouths moving, tongues brushing, hands wandering, clothes being strategically removed and dropped to the floor. I pulled away, a small glint of common sense somehow managing to enter the pool of fuzziness that had become my brain, screaming at me to pull away because this wasn't the time; people were going to arrive very soon. My breathing was short, face undoubtedly flushed and lips raw from the mere touch of his mouth on mine. I looked down in embarrassment, still slightly mortified that one person could have this effect on me.
"I think it's cute when you blush, don't look away," he says laughing to himself.
"It's ridiculous," I reply, burying my face in one hand, shaking my head from side to side, trying to compose myself.
"It's cute, plus I like knowing that I have this effect on you," he adds smugly, running his hand softly over the bare skin of my shoulder. He wasn't helping me try to get rid of the heat; he was just stoking the fire.
I placed one last lingering kiss on his lips, my hands meeting his face as I placed them on each side gently, my shoulders lifting in anticipation. I pulled away and went to leave his grasp, but was held captive in his arms as he refused to let go.
"We have to finish getting ready Harry, people are coming soon and you're not even dressed," I say sternly, looking him in the eyes, but continuing to squirm faintly to twist out of his grasp.
"How can you think about other people after you kiss me like that?" he says, completely serious, face unwavering.
"I have self control," I reply jokingly, bringing my hand up to meet his cheek, brushing it gently as he lets out a low sigh, a deep breath escaping his lips. He looks disheartened for some reason.
I lift up on tip toes and bring my lips to his once again, giving him a quick peck, forceful yet short, wanting to reassure him that he is the only one that I think about when we kiss, when we're together, when we touch; he is the only thing that consumes me in my thoughts.
"But I seem to lose it when I'm around you. I think it's pretty obvious by the shade of my face, that you make me all hot and bothered Harry," I tell him, looking him directly in the eyes, knowing that by saying these words, my cheeks will become flushed and I will blush undoubtedly yet again, for the millionth time today alone.
"Well, you do tend to blush a lot," he says, thinking over what I just told him, his eyes rolling towards the ceiling.
"Yeah, I know," I say, feeling the heat rise to my face, my gaze lowering to the floor.
"So I guess that means I must make you all hot and bothered a lot," he finally concludes, laughing triumphantly at his discovery.
"You have no idea," I whisper under my breath, my gaze still focused on our feet.
His arms tighten around my waist and my feet are lifted off the floor as he brings my face closer to his. My eyes shoot up and are met by the bright blue ones that I drown in every time I look into them, making my breath catch in my throat. We stay in this position; our faces centimetres apart, silence filling the room.
"Good," Harry finally concludes, a satisfied look now on his face.
He pulls me in closer, bringing my face to his and pressing his lips onto mine forcefully. I inhale deeply, wrapping my arms around his neck and relaxing into the kiss. It was pure and utter passion and lust that filled that kiss, creating a frenzy throughout my entire body; through my lips, shooting through my neck and down my spine, out through my toes.
He puts me down, and pulls away, leaving me breathless and in a completely immovable state. I am at a loss for words, for thoughts, just relishing in the numbness of my lips from his touch; the same numbness being mirrored through out my entire body.
"Don't just stand there, we have to get ready," Harry says while laughing, impressed that he has left me in shock, just standing immobile in the middle of my room.
Opening the door for the first time to let the arriving guests enter, my heart was racing, pounding loudly in my chest, ready to jump out from the nerves that were building up inside of me. I was undoubtedly nervous, this was it; I was going to introduce Harry to everyone tonight, everyone.
My hand trembled as it reached for the handle after the doorbell went, taking in deep breaths to try and calm the unsteady movement. I opened the door, plastering a huge grin on my face as I was faced with a crowd of my girl friends, all smiling and looking giddy; I could tell they had already started 'partying' before they got here. They stumbled in, passing me cases of beer, bottles of wine and some form of foreign hard alcohol; if someone didn't know better, they would think that these girls were alcoholics.
"So, where is he?" Iris quickly whispered as she took off her jacket, revealing a rather nice outfit; they had all put an effort into tonight, that made me happy.
"In the kitchen," I laughed, taking all their coats and putting them into the closet, closing the door behind me.
As I turned around, I was met by five eager faces, all smiling at me goofily; a look of anxiousness residing on their faces.
"What?" I asked.
"Well come on, why are we standing out here, we want to meet this infamous guy you've been hiding," Natalie said, stealing glances towards the kitchen as she spoke. "Either he'll be really gorgeous, or you're hiding some 'thing' from the swamps, not introducing him to us sooner," she added, giggling at her own joke.
"He is no 'thing', trust me," I respond, rolling my eyes and laughing quietly to myself, proceeding towards the kitchen. I couldn't wait to see the look on their faces when they see Harry for the first time; no girl can deny he's incredibly handsome. She'll regret her 'thing' comment soon enough.
Harry was in the kitchen, fiddling with the drinks and grabbing some food; he was talking casually with my one housemate, laughing loudly as I entered the room, followed closely by my group of friends. I couldn't help the smile that curled my lips as I caught sight of him, looking dashing in what he was wearing, and lovely suspenders in tow; oh how I loved those suspenders on him.
"Ladies, I'd like you to meet Harry," I said, his eyes catching mine for only a moment, giving me that sly smile, before turning his attention to the girls in front of him.
The group of girls went silent as he walked closer to them, smiling genuinely at each and every one of them. He didn't seem nervous at all, but I guess he was used to meeting strangers, girls to be more precise, after all the press he's forced to do and all the fans that he meets. He just exuded so much confidence, so much charm, it made him command the room, and catch the attention of everyone in it; I was no exception to his pull.
"Nice to meet you ladies," he said, his adorable accent coming through in those few words, pulling each of my friends into a hug and planting a quick peck on the cheek.
I just looked at him, my head dropping and shaking gently from side to side, the all to familiar smile creeping up on my face; he was working his charm on them, he was being a little too friendly with them for my liking. I was getting a little jealous, very unlike me, but I couldn't help the slight shade of green that began to reside inside me, catching me off guard. How could I not feel any jealousy; what was this handsome guy doing with me? As I have said many times, he really could have any girl he wanted, yet he chose me. That was very unsettling, making me nervous that it was all a little too much like a story; where the extraordinary guy chooses the average girl and they grow old together. That never happens in reality.
My head lifted back up, and caught his eyes; he gave me a quick wink and went to hug the last of the group of my friends, pulling away after planting the last kiss on her cheek. I stood back, letting him do what he did, not wanting to be the one carrying the conversation between the two parts of my life.
He walked over to me after introducing himself to each one, taking note of the names that were being thrown at him. I noticed that he furrowed his brow ever so slightly as each name was said, trying to concentrate and remember each one. I felt my heart jump at this little gesture; he was making a big effort, trying very hard to make this work. He was being genuine. I squealed internally, unable to control my excitement. He gently laced his fingers with mine, our hands hanging at our sides unnoticeably but the small contact between us set my jealousy aside, reassuring me that he was really with me, and I was the only one.
This same scene was repeated numerously over the course of the evening; Harry hugging and pecking the cheeks of the girls introduced to him, and shaking hands firmly with the guys. Surprisingly he was getting along quite well with all of my friends, this managed to set me at ease and allowed me to actually enjoy this night. He was at my side for most of the evening; the music beating throughout the house, the alcohol being consumed at a fast rate, and bodies moving against each other on the impromptu 'dance floor' that was created in the living room.
For the first time in the evening, we separated; Harry had found one of my friends who was a drummer in a band as well, and they began to talk about all things to do with drums. I would have stuck around, but I had heard most of it before, both from Harry and my friend Adam alike. I quickly pecked his cheek and excused myself from their conversation, but was pulled back only slightly by Harry not letting go of my hand.
"Don't' go too far," he whispered into my ear, the tingles shooting up my legs and into my chest as his breath danced across my ear.
He brushed my hair behind my ear and then gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and let me go. I just hung my head, my hands finding my face and hiding the deep crimson that was once my normal skin tone. 'Deep breaths' I repeated to myself as I continued to cross the room to a small gathering of my friends who were giggling quietly, looking my way and whispering something to each other.
I joined the group, grabbing a beer while walking over, taking a big drink, hoping that some alcohol could maybe cool the heat that was residing permanently in my face. As soon as I approached the group, silence immediately fell over them, all eyes focusing on me.
"What?" I asked.
"Oh my, Harry is gorgeous," Natalie quickly blurted out, her balance unsteady from the many drinks she had consumed over the evening.
I felt the heat rush back to my face yet again, my cheeks filling with a burning sensation. Curse my profuse blushing; curse it!
"Yeah," I said with a wide grin, my stare quickly focusing onto my shoes.
"And that accent, oh it's to die for," Iris threw in; it seems I had walked into a full blown gossip session about the one and only Harry Judd. How fortunate for me.
I just stood back, listening to everything they had to say about how hot he was; the eyes, the hair, the mouth, the face, the clothes, the sense of humour, and most of all the accent. Thank God Harry wasn't here; his head would have inflated even more, possibly even too big for his own neck to support.
I couldn't help but laugh quietly under my breath; everything they mentioned was everything I saw in him, but there was so much more behind it. When my friends were describing his eyes, I pictured his staring back into mine last night as we had laid intertwined under the sheets. When they mentioned his lips, I was filled with images and feelings of those lips firmly pressed on mine, moving, brushing down the skin of my neck, his hot breath electrifying my veins. The mention of his hair, I pictured my fingers running through it, pulling him into me. The sense of humour, only being filled with memories of how much he makes me laugh, the sarcastic comments that never fail to make me smile. And the accent; the sound of his voice when he says my name, but more importantly the sound of him saying 'I love you' while his eyes bore into mine. It was all these things that made me love him, and not one of my friends could comprehend just how much I felt for him.
I was snapped out of my reminiscing daze when Natalie waved her hand in front of my face, drawing my attention back to the people in front of me.
"Sorry, what did you say?" I asked, doing my best to focus on what she was saying and not the indecent thoughts that were whizzing around in my head about Harry. That boy was going to be the end of me.
"I was asking you how you met Harry," Natalie repeated.
I began to tell her about the concert at the beginning of the year, the party we went to afterwards, and how after that we had decided to try this thing between us and now the rest was history. It's funny that I had to tell Natalie this story, because she had been there with me at the party, and she had met him; she had a thing for the young bassist. I had also told her about him in the beginning, but I only referred to him as 'the hot drummer' in my stories.
"He's the hot drummer?! No way, I knew I recognized him!" Natalie exclaimed, almost spilling her drink.
"Yeah, he is," I laughed, glancing over at him, receiving a very cheeky grin and a sly wink. My stomach did a somersault and my heart skipped a beat.
This set off a frenzy among the chatting girls; unable to believe that I had managed to snag the hot English drummer and maintain a relationship with him for this long. Thanks for the confidence girls. They continued to chat away animatedly amongst themselves, so I decided to pull away, finding the wall at the back of the room very inviting.
This was my group of friends, not Harry's, so I should have been the one in amongst the wreckage doing my best to integrate Harry into this mass of people, not the one watching it from the sidelines as Harry was talking to a group of people, them laughing away. I just wasn't in the festive mood really. One thing kept creeping back into my mind; tonight was the last night. Tomorrow Harry had to leave and just thinking about it I felt my heart begin to crack, it growing weak at the thought of being without him.
I found myself feeling very selfish, almost regretting throwing this party and having to share him with others. I wanted him all to myself and I wanted him all the time; I never wanted to let go. I watched him, my eyes unable to tear away from his image. The way his shirt rested on his shoulders, the way his pants hung from his waist, the way his head nodded as he listened, and the curve of his mouth when he laughed; it was all being committed to memory, forever locked away.
Our eyes locked for a second, him realizing I was watching him and he gave me a meaningful smile. He must have noticed that I didn't have a very joyful expression on my face. I returned the smile, continuing to watch him as he talked to my friends. I felt my cheeks burn slightly as he winked at me, raising his eyebrows; I could almost hear his voice in my head, saying something cheeky, something smug that would undoubtedly make me turn to mush, a puddle of my former self.
"You like him a lot don't you?" I heard Sapna say, snapping me out of my thoughtful daydream. She was the only one of my housemates that had come to the party, but I was very thankful that it was her.
"You have no idea," I said, continuing to watch him, cradling the drink in my hands.
"You're falling for him," she stated, shifting her gaze to follow mine, falling on him.
"Hard, falling hard. I love him Sapna. A lot," I said, a deep sigh escaping my lips, tearing my gaze from him and looking at her for the first time.
"Oh sweetie," she said sympathetically, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and giving me a hug.
"It's ridiculous, I know. But I didn't expect it to happen, it blind-sided me completely. I'm an idiot."
"No you're not, it's sweet. He seems like a great guy, and it looks like he really loves you as well; no guy would try this hard with a girlfriend's friends if he didn't care," she said reassuringly.
"What am I going to do tomorrow when he leaves? I don't know if I'll be able to handle it Sapna," I said, finally voicing my fears for the first time, feeling my chest tighten as I say the word 'leave', the thought almost unbearable.
"Shh, it's going to be terrible, I'm not going to lie to you, but you'll make it through. I'll be here waiting for you, I promise," she says, pulling me out to arms length, a hand on each shoulder, bracing me and looking me straight in the eyes.
"You're the best, thanks," I said, giving her a final hug before pulling away.
"Enough of this sadness," I said wiping a single tear from my cheek, "this is supposed to be a party, so I'm just going to go and get myself another drink," I said, taking the final gulp of the drink in my hand and proceeding to the kitchen.
Walking into the deserted kitchen, I was thankful for the privacy; I suddenly didn't feel like being around people. I stood facing the kitchen counter, hands firmly placed a shoulder's length apart on the counter, bracing myself as I took a few deep breaths. 'Get it together for God's sake', I cursed myself silently. I was startled by the shuffling of feet as they made their way closer to me in the kitchen; I had to pull it together before someone saw me like this.
"Hey," I heard Harry say, quite aware of his presence directly behind me; his breath playing softly on the back of my neck.
I turned around slowly and lifted my head to look at him. A low sigh escaped my mouth and I leant against the counter, finding the cold tile against my lower back supporting. I suddenly felt like I was a thousand pounds heavier; an extreme weight heavy on my shoulders.
"Hi," I whispered, continuing to stare at him.
"I like your friends," he said, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me off the counter and into him, our chests touching as my breathing quickened.
"They seem to really like you too. I'm glad this worked," I said, resting my head on his chest, inhaling deeply, his scent filling my senses and causing my head to become fuzzy once more.
"Me too," he said, stroking my hair gently, planting a soft kiss on the top of my head as his hands dropped lower to the small of my back, tightening his grip.
I lifted my head and brought my lips to his, standing on tip toe to reach him. The moment our lips touched, I felt my heart ache from the sheer amount of love that I felt for him. He lifted me slightly, bringing me closer to him, his lips moving on mine in a slow and tender fashion, his tongue brushing across my lower lip; the jolts of electricity now steady as they ran through my body. I felt a single tear escape my eye, roll down my cheek and tasted the saltiness as it hit my mouth; I had to pull myself together, this was ridiculous. I pressed my lips harder against his, my arms now wrapped around his neck in an instinctive manner, my fingers twirling in his hair. We continued in the kiss, the heat rising between us as his hands found their way under my shirt, tracing small circles across the skin of my back. I pulled away breathlessly, still looking at him, inhaling deeply to steady my breathing. A soft smile broke onto my lips, still numb from his touch. He smiled back and no words needed to be exchanged. This was enough; just standing here with him, in his arms, his eyes focused on me. He was more than enough. He was everything.
He grabbed my hand in his and turned to walk out of the kitchen, pulling me closely behind him. We stayed connected this way for the rest of the evening, his body always in contact with mine in some way. We talked to my friends, drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol, played stupid games, and danced drunkenly to cheesy music; it was perfect. That night, that feeling, that moment was perfect.