Chasing the Rainbow
Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma ½ or any related characters in any way, shape or form.
Author's Notes: It's been a while since this was updated, and I apologize for that. Real life, you know? Anyway, no sign of how well Shampoo's training has paid off yet, but you'll get to see it in the next chapter. Along with other little things, like what Genma's doing or how Natsume & Kurumi are settling in to their new home. I'm a little uncertain how we'll handle the Ryugenzawa story with those two present, I must admit. I'll come up with something, though
Special thanks go out to R., whose comments gave me the inspiration I needed to kick this chapter out into being.
On the topic of the "lemon spinoff" to the last chapter, or anything along similar lines, lemon flavored and otherwise; if anyone wanted to do it, I'd be happy to let them do it. But, still, nobody wants to do it in the first place.
Chapter 19: Ranma & Ukyo's Picnic Panic!
"Hey, Ucchan, how's it going?"
Ukyo blinked, looked up from the grill she was currently scrubbing, and grinned widely at the sight of her smiling fiancé in the doorway. "Welcome back, honey. Where've you been the last couple of days? I thought for sure you would have dropped by for breakfast a couple of times."
Ranma shrugged. "Been out training, lost track of time." He said.
It was partially true, after all, and she really didn't need to know that he had been helping Shampoo train - and she especially didn't need to know what said training involved. Ukyo had promised, like the other girls, to give Ranma a chance with this whole mess... but even Tatewaki Kuno wasn't so stupid as to believe that she would just shrug it off if she heard that said "training" had included Ranma running for the hills while a naked and visibly horny Shampoo did her best to catch him and make the beast with two backs for several hours. A day.
Ranma still couldn't believe that Shampoo had actually managed to sneak into his tent one morning without him noticing until she had removed his shirt - he was lucky to get out of there before she tore his boxers off, and had finally ended up tossing her into an ice-cold pond to cool her off. Or at least reasoning that her cat form wouldn't be so dangerous. The pond had started steaming the moment she hit it, but at least she had been too busy luxuriating in the water to try and jump him any more. It had worked better than the time he had jumped into cold water himself to try and keep her away during amorous mode – he tried his hardest to avoid letting Ukyo see his shudders as he forced the memories away. He didn't care how gorgeous his female form was, nothing was ever supposed to go in there! And if it hadn't been for the fact he knew Shampoo wasn't in her right mind when she did it, he would have dropped her like a hot rock for thinking it!
Ukyo merely grinned harder. "Well, if you've got nothing better to do, then how about coming with me, Ranchan? I was thinking I'd take the lunch break off and have myself a little picnic in the park - it'd be just the two of us..." She purred. She and Ranma had been on other dates before now, but they'd been basically buddy-stuff - a sparring session here, a sci-fi movie there, an afternoon at the arcade... she wanted something a little more, well, "feminine". She was a girl and she was Ranma's fiancée, after all, she was owed that much!
Ranma smiled thoughtfully; time with Ukyo, a fairly relaxed setting, nothing too emotionally intimate, a way to keep her from being suspicious about where he had been, and free food... where was the downside to this? "Alright, you twisted my arm; I'll come along." He told her.
"That's great! Wait right here, Ranchan; I need to change outfits." Ukyo told him, quickly finishing the last of her cleaning and then racing upstairs. Perhaps it was for the best that she didn't hear Ranma's only half-joking grumble about what was wrong with the outfit she was already wearing, instead frantically pulling off her dirty uniform and tearing frantically at her closet... what was she going to wear? Work uniforms, transfer school uniforms, Furinkan girl's phys ed uniforms... didn't she own any damn dresses? Ah! There, that was the blue and white pleated dress she'd worn during the so-called "Great Girly-Girl Gambit"; not her first choice, but beggars couldn't be choosers. Quickly she pulled it on, grabbing for her comb and deodorant even as she did so; for a moment, she regretted she didn't have any make up, then shook her head - she didn't know the first thing about putting make up on, anyway, and Ranchan wouldn't care if she wore it or not. Once she was decent, she took a few moments to straighten out some last few ruffles in her outfit and headed on downstairs, pausing only to grab a basket of previously-prepared goodies from her private fridge.
"Ranchan? Sorry to keep you waiting; let's go." She called as she descended the stairs.
Ranma blinked at her in surprise. "Wow... just how long have you been planning this?" He asked. He received nothing for his trouble but a smile and a soft giggle, which gave him incentive to just push it aside as a lost cause. With a shake of his head, the two left the shop, pausing only for Ukyo to lock up.
As they headed towards the park, Ukyo wondered if maybe she should offer her arm for Ranma to take... or even take his arm herself, seeing as how none of their little group was really in any place to obey typical gender expectations. After all, she was a girl who had spent most of her childhood pretending to be a boy, Ranma was a boy who turned into a girl, and then there was Shampoo - kami only knew what sort of bizarro gender expectations she lived up to, what strange divisions of "manly" and "womanly" were considered natural in her hometown...
The walk to the park was perfect for small talk and if a person were to observe the pair you'd never think that you were looking at a pair of highly skilled martial-artists; just a pair of normal teens obviously out on a date and enjoying each other's presence. Finally they arrived and Ukyo took the moment to lay out the contents of the basket, taking pleasure at the look on Ranma's face as he stared at the feast before him.
"Damn, Ukyo, you don't do things by half do you?'
Ukyo giggled as she sat down and patted the grass next to her. "Had to make sure you didn't go hungry Ranchan. Have a seat."
The scene was both ordinary and pleasant enough; children laughed and squealed as they ran around on the grass, playing with each other or even, on occasion, a family dog, parents watched their rambunctious offspring, couples sat together closely on benches or under trees, even the odd jogger ran by on the pathways. It was a totally ordinary scene from a totally ordinary day. Even the weird looking stall that some young kids were gathering before was perfectly ordinary; there were dozens of humble entertainers like the longhaired old woman running it who wandered all over Japan, making a living from the coins of others.
"Come one! Come all! Come and see a fantastic spectacle and wondrous sights! An amazing show sure to delight and fright!"
Attracted by the spiel from the woman running the strange stall filled with pictures and various models of what looked like monsters and mythical beasts, Ukyo was about to say something to Ranma when they heard a distant sound; like a large balloon popping. The two martial artists twitched and looked around curiously before the ground suddenly heaved with a single, violent tremor, causing people to stumble and fall, the stall collapsing into a pile of junk.
For a long moment there was silence and then an explosion of smoke blasted out of the collapsed stall, sending the crowd into a panic. Shadows began to appear and within seconds, dark bundles and shapes dashed out amidst the chaos. A great roar penetrated the sounds of people screaming, blasting away the smoke to reveal the massive form of a Gashadokuro, a yokai in the form of a skeleton 75 feet tall.
Ranma and Ukyo were puzzled to say the least. Looking over the scene of chaos and confusion, Ukyo finally turned to Ranma. "Okay, Ranma-honey… what the hell is going on?"
"Why are you asking me?" Ranma complained, spreading his arms wide for emphasis.
"You do have a tendency to have weird crap like this happen to you. I mean, there was that business with the bokto of Miyamoto Musashi…" She suggested.
"That was Kuno's fault!" Ranma protested. He might have said more, but his words died as he grimaced in pain, clapping his hands over his ears as he suddenly felt besieged by a terrible, mind-scrambling ringing. If he had been able to see straight, he would have seen Ukyo was also writhing in pain, but all he knew was the sudden relief when it stopped. "What the hell just happened?" He demanded savagely.
"It's the Gashadokuro!" Screamed the woman who had been running the zombie-demon show.
"The what?" Ranma asked in confusion.
The woman looked at him with an expression of disdain. "Don't you know your mythology? That!" She snapped, pointing at the seventy-five foot tall skeleton currently stomping towards the street. "The Gashadokuro is a yokai made from the bones of people who died of starvation – it likes to catch people and then bite their heads off!"
"What!" Both teen martial artists barked. Without the slightest hesitation, Ranma took off, to Ukyo's shock. "Ranma!" She called.
"Hey, nobody's eating anybody's heads while I've got something to say about it!" Ranma replied, not even looking at her.
Barely pausing to blink, Ukyo admitted he had a point and raced after him. Nobody knew what it was thinking, or even if it was thinking at all, but the giant skeleton spotted them, opened its mouth in a silent scream (which caused Ranma and Ukyo to screech to a halt as that agonizing ringing chimed in their ears again), and then grabbed a nearby car that had been abandoned as too inconvenient to run for. In a single hand, it raised the vehicle up and hurled it at the martial artists. Against ordinary civilians, that probably would have left a very soft mess as flesh was pulped and bones were shattered into slivers. But Ranma and Ukyo were both powerful martial artists – Ranma, especially, may or may not have been equal to Ryoga in strength, but still could effortlessly lift weights in the multiple tons range. The result was that they were not smeared across the ground, but handily caught the car, after which Ranma turned to his date.
"Let's see how he likes it." He suggested, to which she gave a wicked grin.
"Are you two crazy? There's no way that will work!" The woman complained.
Ignoring her, Ranma and Ukyo simply hurled the car right back at the yokai, lest it scramble their brains with that strange noiseless noise again and cause them to drop it on themselves – it probably wouldn't kill them, but it'd still be painful. It wasn't aimed very precisely (it was a car, cut them some slack), but it still managed to catch the Gashadokuro by surprise, shattering several ribs and then falling onto its foot for good measure.
Seeing a giant skeleton was one thing - quite terrifying, really. Seeing it cradling its foot and hopping up and down on its good leg was... well, not so scary. Ranma cracked his neck, even as Ukyo popped her shoulders besides him. "Let's cut this thing down to size, Ranchan." She declared, to which he merely nodded.
"You're both insane!" The stall keeper spluttered in disbelief.
She had something of a point; no normal person would have stood a chance against a Gashadokuro, much less thought of attacking it. But, then again, despite themselves, Ranma and Ukyo really weren't normal. Ranma, particularly, could only just make contact with "normal" with a long stick and a lot of shouting. Ignoring her negative attitude, the two hurtled themselves towards the behemoth yokai, even as it finally managed to regain its footing.
The pair struck the feet simultaneously; Ranma's fists striking a set of small bones that kept the feet connected to the legs while Ukyo hit the second foot and jammed her spatula in like a giant crowbar in an identical area as they got to work, the giant skeleton roaring its displeasure for everyone to hear. It shook its legs as if trying to dislodge a pair of rather small terriers but the pair held on tight before with a loud popping sound, the bones in Ranma's target foot came free and the beast toppled as its foot hit the ground.
"First blood Ucchan!"
"No fair Ranchan, you're supposed to be nice to a girl on a date!"
"Anything goes in a fight!"
As the two bantered their foe collapsed to its knees, flailing at them with its massive arms as they changed targets to the knees. Here they struck in unison, attacking the joint bones with clear intent to cripple their opponent.
With the sounds of bone crunching, a ghastly noise, the yokai's legs were broken apart at their second joint, forcing it to topple to the ground face first. Before it could struggle to push itself upright with its arms, the martial artists leapt onto its vertebra and raced up its spinal column before attacking its shoulder blades. They hurled themselves in a formidable synchronized diving kick to the thinnest part of the crescent-shaped bone with force enough to break steel. Twice, thrice they did it before the impact shattered the bone, rendering it unable to use that arm. In its agonized throes it rolled over, but Ranma and Ukyo sprang away cleanly. As it twitched and thrashed, it lashed out with its one remaining good arm...
"Ranma!" Ukyo screamed as it snatched up her fiancé. "You let him go right now, ya damn bag a' bones!" She thundered, leaping up and grabbing onto its radius, shimmying up its length to start attacking the wrist while clinging to the bone with her legs.
Caught in the Gashadokuro's grip, Ranma braced his back against the patchy surface that served as its palm (not the most comfortable of positions in the world) and tried to use arms and legs to fight off its fingers - well, alright, phalanges was the technical term, but Ranma was in no mood to care about anatomy - as they sought to press in and crush him to a gory pulp.
Finally, Ukyo managed to crack the joint, ramming her abused spatula blade into the nearest one and pulling for all of her considerable might. Like with a crowbar, the crack widened and deepened until, finally, the joint gave way under the pressure, the hand snapping off and falling apart in midair... a pity for Ranma that the fingers clenched in tighter as it fell, so he was buried in a pile of giant bones. Ukyo promptly slid down the waving radius and dropped to the ground. "Ranma-honey! You okay?"
Ranma pushed his way to freedom, caressing the odd bruise. "I've felt better. Ucchan- look out!" He howled.
Ukyo blinked, then sprang towards Ranma, mere inches ahead of the snapping jaw of the contorted Gashadokuro. The sound of teeth clacking like thunder behind her startled her so much that she didn't stop until she was right beside Ranma, heart racing at how close that had been. She scowled at the skeletal yokai. "Miserable..."
"Hey, it's harmless now - besides, we got bigger problems." Ranma warned her.
"Like what?" She snarked.
Ranma merely pointed and she found herself eating her words.
Women were running around, screaming, pursued by creatures that resembled frogs, turtles and monkeys all rolled together - kappa. Laughing and cheering they flipped up skirts, groped butts and breasts and generally made a nuisance of themselves. Perched in the trees, watching the chaos with disdain, were a number of humanoid birds in old-fashioned samurai armor - tengu. Two muscular oni, one blue and one red, were alternatively robbing people (by the simple expedient of grabbing them, holding them upside down, and shaking them until something valuable fell out) and smashing things. Finally, an Ashinagatenaga, a man with nine-meter long arms sitting on the back of a man with six-meter long legs, had waded out into the river to get away from all of the commotion, the Ashinaga occasionally grabbing a kappa that drew too close to the Tenaga and throwing it away.
"Oh, brother..." Ukyo muttered.
"Yeah, we better put a stop to this." Ranma agreed. "...But first, I think we got some company coming!"
From the left came a scuttling horde of crabs the size of rottweilers, clutching samurai swords and spears and naginatas, with human heads clad in the traditional helm of the samurai. From the right came a small army of men with chalky white skin, lurching awkwardly and unevenly, like puppets on strings. They too bore the arms and armor of samurai, but they had no eyes, ears, noses, mouths – not even fingers, really. They were nothing more than clay dolls of samurai, walking towards them through some strange magic. Cracking his knuckles, Ranma grinned darkly.
"I'll take the clay men; you take the ghost crabs." He told her.
"What?" Ukyo protested. "Why do I get the ghost crabs?" She complained.
"They're called Setotaisho and Heikagani!" The stall keeper called out, voice bristling with annoyance. She held her hands clasped together respectfully, ready to bow at any kappa that drew close – three or four of them, at least, had already been forced to obey their manners and bow back to her, spilling their precious water and being stuck in the bowing position around her like bizarre statues. The rest of the kappa were keeping their distance from her as a result.
But it was too late – Ranma had already taken off and was hurling himself into the clay soldiers like a living bullet, the sounds of smashing pottery echoing as he tore through them like a human wrecking ball. Muttering to herself about how it wasn't fair that Ranma got the fun fight, she readied her spatula as the first of the Heikagani closed in. Then she stopped, blinked twice, and laughed. She recognized the face beneath the beetle-like rim of its helmet; staring at her, mouthing silent curses, veins bulging in rage and eyes swollen with emotions, was Soun Tendo. In fact, she recognized all of the Heikagani as having faces of people she didn't like – there was Genma Saotome, Akane Tendo, Miss Hinako, Happosai… even Shampoo, Kodachi Kuno and the old ghoul! What? She may have agreed to a truce in this whole twisted mess, but that still didn't make them friends! With a smile on her face that would have scared a Kuchisake-Onna, she hefted her battle spatula in both hands, mentally apologizing for all the nasty things she had said about Ranma. She was going to enjoy this…
Even in the thick of combat, Ranma could hear Ukyo setting to work on the Heikagani. His own fight... well, to be honest, it was hardly a fight. These things probably wouldn't have been any threat to Akane. Oh, she would have needed to be a little more careful, due to the fact they were carrying live steel, but they would have stood as much a chance against her as those hornball losers at school. Against Ranma... it was a slaughter. The air rang with the sound of dried clay shattering and cracking, clumsy swings and jabs never coming near the quicksilver martial artist, whose own strikes punched clean through torsos and crushed heads. There weren't that many of them to begin with - a minute later, there was nothing but dust and shards where they had been.
"Maybe I should have taken the crabs." Ranma muttered to himself, hearing the ringing of steel on steel from behind him. Admittedly, he wasn't certain if Ukyo's delay was because the Heikagani were legitimately more skilled opponents, or if she was merely torturing them by making it appear as if they actually had a chance against her.
A slow applause caught Ranma's attention and prompted him to look up to see a group of strange bird-men on the branches of a nearby tree as the leader, a strangely more portly individual, hopped down and approached a short distance.
"My, that was very impressive, a pity your opponents weren't up to the same caliber." He indicated the shattered remains of Ranma's former opposition as he spoke.
"Eh, well, y' know, what can you do?" Ranma asked, scuffing a few shards with a boot nonchalantly. Inwardly, he tensed; he may not have had quite the classical education in mythology and history, but his father had passed on a few things about the stranger side of life. Tengu, he knew all about. His father had naturally focused on their roles as masters of the martial arts and as great teachers to warriors and warleaders, but had also mentioned their darker sides and nastier habits, to highlight just how dangerous it could be to disrespect them.
"Indeed, it's always disappointing to find that your opponent isn't up to your level, but perhaps there are others around that might serve as a more serious challenge… such as those two." A wave of the hand brought attention to the pair of oni doing their damndest to raise hell on the other side of the park. "Or perhaps the one behind you."
Ranma whirled around, shifting into a fighting stance with instincts so engrained to be beyond even that definition, transforming momentum into power to his leg, lashing out in a blow that could have sent even Ryoga flying with at least one cracked rib.
The Tengu he struck flew backwards before recovering gracefully in mid-air and hovered just out of reach holding its side as the portly Tengu nodded. "You are skilled; I must give you that. Still, I do not believe that now is the time for a confrontation. In the future we will seek to challenge you fully, but for now, consider this our farewell." With that the Tengu spread their wings and lifted off, the one behind Ranma bowing slightly before joining its comrades in flying off into the distance.
Ranma blinked, then sighed softly in relief; that was good luck. He wasn't certain just how good they were, but he was glad to get avoid a fight with them if he could.
"You sure it's okay to just let them go like that?" Ukyo asked curiously.
Ranma yelped, hands twisting into warding gestures even as his spine twisted to bring him face to face with his fiancée. "Where did you come from?" He demanded unthinkingly.
"I just got done... pity they're cursed; I could make some real seafood okonomiyaki with all that crabmeat." She noted. "But we better get a move on and take care of those big bruisers before they really hurt somebody."
"You don't need to tell me twice." Ranma agreed, already in motion towards the oni, Ukyo hot on his heels.
"So, what we gonna do now? All the humans run away." The blue-skinned oni asked, scratching its head in a dull-witted fashion.
"Simple, fool. We find a way out of this city - this is no place for the likes of us." The red-skinned oni replied.
"It certainly isn't!" Ranma shouted, leaping in a synchronizing flying kick with Ukyo squarely into the back of the yokai's head. It staggered, but didn't fall, Ranma bleeding the excessive momentum with a somersault into the air above him before dropping down squarely onto its head. Grabbing one of the horns that sprouted from its skull for dear life, Ranma used his free hand to deliver dozens of blows directly into its forehead; by the time Ukyo had recovered from her own landing and rushed forward to help, it was collapsing unconscious with a groan of pain. Casually stepping off of his latest conquest, Ranma made a show of cracking his knuckles. "And now for you..."
"Wait! No hurt me, please no hurt me! I take him and go, you never see us no more, promise!" The blue oni begged, falling to its hands and knees before the startled martial artists in a pose of supplication.
"Yeesh, you're pathetic. Come on, Ranma-honey; we've still got the rest of those kappa to subdue." Ukyo stated, turning and heading away purposefully.
"Right behind ya-aaagh!" Ranma's answer turned into a scream as a massive impact suddenly struck him from behind, propelling him forward and skyward with a bellow of equal parts surprise and pain.
"Ranchan!" Ukyo screamed. She whirled on her heel to see the source; the smugly grinning blue oni, now wielding a kanabo, one of the angular, studded iron greatclubs associated with his kind.
"Stupid humans! You die now!"
Ranma was, despite his best efforts, familiar with the sensations of being sent flying through the air, so the oni's surprise attack hadn't seriously hurt him. In fact, it was a fairly soft blow, by Ranma's usual standards. The landing still stung, of course. Pushing himself off of the ground, he rubbed his sore head. "That's gonna leave a mark... where am I?" He asked, looking around him and realizing that, wherever it was he had landed, it was covered in great sheathes and swathes of white, cotton-like thread.
"Well… hello there, handsome."
Ranma swallowed; those words never heralded good luck. He turned, slowly, reluctantly, despite himself, to see a beautiful girl, maybe closer to his age than Kasumi's, sitting at a drapery-hung table, dressed in an ornate, wonderfully decorated kimono and pouring tea. "Uh... hello."
"I'm so glad you dropped in, perhaps you'd like to join me for tea?" Despite the phrasing, only a true idiot would believe it to be a question from the look in the girl's eyes.
A spider appeared to deliver another cup, and a horde of its brethren moved to shift Ranma closer to the table and make him more comfortable.
Brushing away the last straggling arachnids (Ranma had spent far too long in the wilderness to be freaked out by bugs and spiders), Ranma made a show of seating himself formally at the table and gently taking up the cup. Now, how did this go again? It had been a while since he'd last been confronted with those weirdoes from the dojos of Martial Arts Tea Ceremony, but Ranma knew the basics at least... despite what his general reputation might have said.
"I'm so glad to be able to do this of my own free will again. That woman outside, she was almost as bad as our last master, never letting us out and using us as puppets for the entertainment of others." Her face scrunched up cutely, hands expertly preparing the tea as she spoke. "They were never very good shows she had us do either."
"Last master?" Ranma asked, inquisitive. "And how was she able to get all of you under her control, anyway? She didn't look very strong... or very smart, either."
The girl paused for a moment, and then continued, "The only reason that woman was able to control us at all is because of the bindings placed upon us by our last true master, Nicola. She was a cruel, spiteful creature in the guise of a young human girl who would delight in 'punishing' those who displeased her for any reason. When a young kamaitachi brought about her death we assumed we would be free, until that woman appeared to take us; a relative of some sort. Too weak and stupid to properly control us and yet with just enough power in her blood to maintain the bindings on us. I still wonder if we didn't trade one hell for another."
She smiled brightly. "Tea is ready, I hope you like it."
Ranma stiffened, swallowed nervously. He'd had his suspicions beforehand, seeing so many yokai running around out of nowhere - after all, even in his life, monsters from mythology didn't just pop up every day - but this woman, no, this yokai, had just confirmed them. His memory had been cast back to the Eye, and that day in Wandering Abe's shop; to that one particular timeline stemming from Dr. Tofu's dirty little trick. So, Misao was somehow connected to Nicola's death at Taro's hands, eh? While all he knew of her were those brief glimpses at her life with his "other" self, he still felt relieved she had gotten some measure of payback... even if, evidently, not all of her fellow slaves had been freed by Nicola's death.
Taking a polite sip of his tea, he wondered how to say this... then placed it down with a sigh as he decided he had little choice but to bite the bullet. "I'm not going to attack you... but can you tell me what you are?"
The girl smiled politely and something huge now moved in the background. Ranma watched as the girl dissolved into strands of silk as a giant orb spider –easily the size of a tank – appeared out of the shadows. It eyes glowed bright red as it shifted into a more comfortable position, its distinctive patterns of black, yellow and dark blue easily distinguished. As it settled into place, its pedipalps remained busy, shaping the mass of silk into a pair of hands to continue manipulating the tea set. Even as Ranma stared at the yokai, her voice sounded in his head. "It's so nice to see someone who doesn't scream or faint at the sight of Jorogumo… yes, it really is quite refreshing."
"Let's just say I've seen my share of the unusual." Ranma replied weakly. He was no bug-otaku, but he knew very well just what sort of predator spiders were in general. And he also knew enough about mythology to know that many different types of yokai, and even individuals of otherwise inoffensive species, would eat human flesh if they could get it. "So... why the invitation to tea?"
Privately, he was already tensing up to make a run for it.
The shadows shifted again and instead of the giant spider, there was now something new. Fundamentally, it resembled the woman from the beginning – but with glittering, almost jewel like eyes, at least one more pair of them on her brow, and with chitinous plating all over her skin, exactly like the spider she had just been. More noticeably were the four extra arms, slightly longer and thinner than the normal ones, all six of which moved with perfect grace. One moved to gently brush against her carapace-cloaked cheek as she gave him a demure, yet hungry, smile, eyes fluttering flirtatiously. "A handsome young mortal drops into my den and acts so politely, how could an unattached woman such as myself resist inviting such a charming person to join her?" She purred.
Oh boy. This, if anything, was almost as bad as hearing she wanted to eat him. Ranma sent up a quick prayer to all those other selves who he had ever seen make things work with girls for inspiration... "I'm sorry, it's not that I'm flattered, but..."
"You can't see a relationship with yokai working. Am I right?" The girl giggled. "I'm over four-hundred years old darling, one of the requirements to become what I am. Believe me, I've heard them all." Her expression became just a little mischievous. "Worried I'll eat you, like all the other spiders do?"
"Uh... not exactly." Ranma began. That honestly hadn't been the reason. It had been lurking in the back of his mind, but it wasn't the main thing pushing him to try and let her down gently.
At that, the Jorogumo leaned back, rubbing her chin thoughtfully, then smiled playfully at him. "Hmm… oh, wait, you already have some special; am I right? Well, I'm sure that if you give me a chance, you'll never want to go back to mortal girls ever again."
Ranma used a little of the training he'd acquired under Sentaro Daimonji to scuttle backwards from one playfully reaching hand without breaking the seated position. "Lady, I'm sorry, I've already got three fiancées." He blurted.
"Ooh, sounds like someone is the kind of person who isn't satisfied with just one… I like that." She purred, a pair of arms crossing themselves across her chest to bring attention, even through her kimono, to the full breasts that she proudly displayed for his attention.
"It's not a matter of satisfaction... it's a matter of honor." Came a flat, cold voice.
"Ucchan!" Ranma cried out, in equal parts shock, relief and worry. He swiveled around to see her standing at a hole that had been torn in one of the silken walls, visibly battered, bruised and her dress torn. She was, to Ranma's surprise, carrying a kanabo - she had it slung over her shoulder, and was swaying a little under its weight, but it was obviously within her capabilities to use it
"You just can't make those battle spatulas of yours last, can you?" Ranma joked, eager to try and alleviate some of the tension.
Ukyo ignored him, staring at the Jorogumo. "Just what's your game, sister?"
The Jorogumo glared back. "I'm not your sister, whelp, and as for my game." She smiled sweetly, "Can't a girl invite someone to tea?"
"When that 'someone' is my fiancé, and you're planning to use the tea to wash his flesh down, then no, you can't invite him to tea." Ukyo deadpanned.
"Hmph! How rude! For your information I have never once partaken in the flesh of mortals during my life and quite frankly, even if I was the kind of girl to do something like that, I certainly wouldn't do that with this one... after all, I haven't even taken him bed once yet." And here Ranma sweated at the gleam in the yokai's eyes, "And with a mortal this handsome, once is surely nowhere near enough… Don't you agree?"
"I - uh, well, that is..." Ukyo squeaked, blushing with embarrassment.
"Oh come now, surely you've had a few 'thoughts' on the matter? Just look at him...oh dear how rude of me, what is your name?"
"Ukyo Kuonji." Ranma's crossdressing fiancée answered on auto-pilot. "Thoughts? Him? Me? Well... that is..." She squirmed visibly, blushing worse than Ryoga had after realizing Ranma had slipped a pair of Akane's panties into his hand.
Ranma knew he probably should interrupt this, but, well, he was curious. Besides, this was kind of entertaining.
"Right, just take a look at him Ukyo-san. Surely you haven't been tempted to wonder about...what is that phrase again? 'Doing some undercover work' with him?"
"I haven't needed to wonder about it since I got a copy of that photo from his old man - oops!" Ukyo squeaked in embarrassment, slapping her hands over her mouth and blushing even more intensely when she realized what she had just unthinkingly said.
"Really? You wouldn't be willing to share would you?" The Jorogumo chittered, slinking closer - before Ukyo could react, one of the yokai's hands had stabbed out and grabbed something from one of her pockets. "Oh me, oh my..." The yokai purred.
"Give that back! It's my only copy!" Ukyo cried, desperately trying to snatch it back from the surprisingly quick-moving spider.
"Pity about the photo angle... ruins the best part of the shot."
"You think so too?" Ukyo asked, despite herself.
"Oh my yes, but still, it certainly is enough to fire up any girl's imagination. Why, I'm feeling quite overheated looking at it." The yokai fanned herself with the photo before pouting as Ukyo managed to snatch it back.
"...If you girls are quite done?" Ranma asked, now blushing himself; this had gone beyond entertaining and become downright embarrassing.
The Jorogumo sighed. "Yes, I do believe we are quite done. I do hope to see you again someday… perhaps we'll actually manage to have tea without any interruptions."
With that, the yokai shifted back into the shadows and vanished, leaving Ranma with Ukyo. Both teens studiously avoided looking each other in the eye, if maybe for different reasons, when Ranma politely coughed into his fist. "I… er… I won't tell anyone about what happened today if you won't." He offered.
"Right, of course, nobody." Ukyo agreed.
"We should probably get back outside – take care of those last few yokai." He suggested.
This netted no words, but a definite nod of agreement, and both of them hurried out through the "door" that Ukyo had used to come in. Outside, they swiftly made their way to the canal that ran through the park; aside from the Ashinagatenaga still in the river, there was no sign of anybody human, not even the stall keeper – Nicola's kin, who had made these yokai and obake into slaves, a thought that prompted a scowl Ranma was swift to wipe off, lest Ukyo see it and ask unwanted questions. Ranma had never been fond of people who would make others obey them without thought to what they wanted, but for quite some time now, he had truly hated them. Coming to Nerima and finding so many different people trying to make a slave of him in all but name did that to a person. If he saw that creepy old woman, he was going to give her a piece of his mind.
Aside from the Long Arms man and the Long Legs man, the only "people" he could see were the kappa, who had dragged their frozen kin into the lake and refilled their bowls, reviving them. The whole group, maybe a dozen or so, were cackling and jabbering to each other over a horde of loot, from women's underwear to pocket change. Ranma half-turned to Ukyo with a smirk, making a show of cracking his knuckles. "Alright, Ucchan, this is the final stretch and we should be done soon." With that said, he charged the closest kappa, even as Ukyo realized what he was planning and held out a cautionary hand.
"Ranma-honey, wait!" She cried, trying to keep Ranma from making a big mistake.
"Doskoi!" Came the surprisingly deep bellow from Ranma's target, drowning out the startled cry as Ranma went flying with a splash into the water.
Ukyo shook her head softly. "You really weren't taught much folklore, were you, Ranma-honey?" She asked, amused, but not in a cruel way. She knew it wasn't his fault he was ignorant, but fancy not knowing (or perhaps forgetting, that seemed more likely) that kappa were masters of the art of sumo wrestling!
"Stinking little…" Ranma growled, trailing off into some of the curses she had picked up around the docks of China. She blinked and yelled in surprise when a pair of powerful hands suddenly seized her around the waist, lifting her effortlessly into the air.
"You alright, boyo? Or should it be, girly?" Cackled the Ashinaga who was holding Ranma aloft.
"I'm a guy!" Ranma decreed petulantly, as was her custom when this sort of thing happened. "…I don't suppose I can ask you two to move on quietly? I mean, I wouldn't think you'd be too happy here in the middle of a city."
"You got that right, boyo." Grunted the Tenaga. "Tell you what; you promise us safe passage, and we'll make sure and take them damn kappa with us when we go."
"Deal." Ranma replied instantly. The Tenaga turned towards the bank and began wading, his six meter-long legs propelling him towards the jeering kappa with great speed. The Ashinaga dropped Ranma onto the bank ahead of them, and Ranma turned to the river yokai with a feral grin of her own, popping her neck with menacing ease.
"Payback time…"
Almost an hour later… "Okay, so, the Ashinagatenaga's hauling those damn river imps up towards the coast… those two oni ran off to the hills promising never to come near here again… we have no idea where that Jorogumo went… and the Gashadokuro, Setotaisho and Heikagani are all dead and buried. Not my first choice for a date, but we did pretty good, all said and done." Ukyo declared as she and Ranma approached her shop.
Ranma simply sighed. "I'm sorry… this always seems to happen around me." She declared apologetically.
"Oh, it's not your fault. It sure means that life will never be boring around you." Ukyo beamed. "Come on in; I bet you want to change back, huh?"
"Yeah, thanks." Ranma replied, following Ukyo inside.