A Selection Of Much Truer, More Sensible (and Occasionally Both) Rules About Time Lords

18. Chandeliers Are Not For Swinging On

Unless, of course, it's going to be fun, or useful. Allowances will be made for those who are simply unable to resist.

29. Parrots Make Useless Companions

Now minah birds, they're a different story. Haven't tried it yet, but nothing's going to be worse than that bloody parrot.

32. Always Check If There Is A Creepy Janitor Before You Assume Aliens Did It

Because it is rather a harrowing experience to have caught yourself a rogue Slitheen, only to have its rubber face peeled off by that ascot-wearing little menace…

43. Interrogate All Prisoners Immediately and Thoroughly

In case they turn out to be actually alright really. And there's no excuses on this one, it's essential, I will brook no argument, this is a big one. Only lazy, irresponsible people skip this one.

57. Mass Opinion Is Not An Indicator of Cool

Mass opinion, for instance, holds that the classic bow tie is both uncool and unfashionable. You and I, my dear and constant reader, know this to be patently untrue.

68. Everything Is Relative (Or, The Doctor's Simplified Theory of Relativity)

But not everyone is relative. That would make things rather messy and complicated and family trees would go on forever and genealogists would be the highest paid professionals, which they are on some planets, but not many, and there's a reason for that.

81. Anything That Has To Come Out And Say It's Superior Probably Isn't

C.f. Daleks, Cybermen, the odd mad Silurian, and all their wicked ilk.

89. Do Not Open The Door To Small Blue-and-Orange Men

They are not to be trusted and if they must come in, do take the time to go about with a hammer and get everything nailed down. I pray you will never need to take this advice, and fear yet that you might.

116. Michael Crawford Is Not Sacred

For a typically non-musical actor, Gerard Butler did a decent job. (This rule inserted for the benefit of Amelia Pond, due to the original rule 116 becoming obsolete at the same time as its originator, Betamax. Don't ask.)

148. There Is Such A Word As 'Impossible'

Whether or not it means anything…

165. There Is No Such Word As 'Twitterpated'

And even if it were a word, it would certainly be nothing that I would ever indulge in. I have watched a video regarding this 'twitterpating' on your human Youtube, and I am pleased to inform you all, and one of you especially, that I have far better things to do with my time. And yes I'm still going about this, because I remember that it was already a rule and there was nothing previously in this slot referring to galactic diplomacy at all.

193. Never Invest Emotionally In Pastry

They'll only go and rot and leave you all alone again. They are also, as many of you have tried to remind me, delicious, and allowing them to rot is a bit of a waste, really.

198. Don't Tell People About Your Prisoners

(Another new entry, displacing something ridiculous about… I don't know, legitimate wedding ceremonies or something.) They'll get all sympathetic and like her and other not helpful things.

222. The Doctor Only Ever Does What He Has To

Now this, on occasion, might make me seem unapproachable or insensitive or, in your common parlance, like a 'jerk', but I assure you, everything that is done is done by absolute necessity. Personal whim and feeling simply do not come into it. Except sometimes.

256. When One Is Struggling With A Mystery, Particularly One Which Spans Great Time Frames And Very Probably Refers To One's Own Future Identity, One Is Not Helped By People Constantly Commenting On How 'Fun' And 'Interesting' It Is

I would raise my eyebrow at you all, but the fact is this is the written word and that would be rather difficult. I wish you all to know that that's what I'm doing.

You have perhaps, by now, guessed that amongst the scraps of my infinite wisdom here offered a few more targeted comments have been placed. And yes, you followers of Miss Sally Garmonbozia, whom I shall address in a moment, they are targeted at you. Shame on you. Buying into this madness, making yourselves a part of it. Have you no minds to think? No hearts to feel a man's pain and leave it in peace? Go away, for God's sake! In one's darkest hour one neither wants nor desires the presence of twenty or so perpetual spectators hanging on every word as if… as if it's some kind of tawdry, Saturday night television show! And don't think I haven't been offered television, but there is a reason, ladies and gentlemen, why I turned it down, and that's because I don't want my ups and downs and long flat middle bits splayed open like laboratory frogs in the homes of every TV licence payer!

Or, indeed, all over some tawdry lesser-visited corner of your twenty-first century internet, for that matter. It all fades out, you know. The internet, I mean. That stops, and all you mad people become utterly obsolete and totally incapable of moving on to the next thing, which I'm not telling you about, because I'm not giving you the chance to prepare in advance. So there.

And that is where our dear author comes in, isn't it? The dissector of laboratory frogs and intensely personal moments. Miss Garmonbozia is to consider this her official, written warning. Now I have no clue where she's getting her information from, but I will find out. And that source will be dealt with accordingly. For now, however, this is to be read as a clear cease and desist order on all writings appertaining to the events of my life, in all aspects and without exception. I do not think I can be clearer than that. No more, woman! You know not what it is to skim over these putative fictions in search of some blessed relief from the problems of the day and find those problems replicated!

Yours sincerely. And really sincerely and I do mean it this time,

The Doctor.