Lord of My Dreams
Chapter 4: Fragments
"He wants you again," said the eunuch. Her heart leapt, but the eunuch's sympathetic look set it back into place. Apparently, he mistook her hesitation for trepidation. "You have only to play the lute," the eunuch said with a reassuring smile. "There is nothing shameful about what people say. He is our master, and it is our duty to conceal from the world his impotence."
She felt a pang of guilt shoot through her chest, and suddenly knew that she was deceiving this eunuch, though she knew not how. Strangely, this impotence he spoke of gave rise to an urge to defend this unseen stranger, which she quickly squashed. She dipped her head.
She took a deep breath and stood, walking out of the kitchen. Other eunuchs and slaves were deliberately averting their eyes, and for this she was grateful, though she could not say why. The moment the kitchen door closed behind her, she breathed a sigh of relief and proceeded down the hall. Her heartbeat heightened as she walked, and she suddenly knew: she was going to see Him. She did not dread this visit at all.
Reaching the door, she knocked demurely as was expected. The door opened almost immediately.
"You summoned me, my Sultan?" she called, feeling something she had never felt before burn in her veins.
"That I did," said the man with beautiful, courageous eyes, standing aside to let her in.
The moment that the door was closed behind her, she suddenly understood the fire that was in her veins, for she had felt it a thousand times before; it was she who threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her lips to his. He responded eagerly, deepening the kiss as he pulled her closer.
"A whole two weeks," she gasped around kisses as she ran her hands through his long hair. He was running his hands up and down her sides, as if he had not already memorized every inch of her body.
"I was busy. My mother wished to lecture me on the importance of assigning an heir to the throne to prevent one of my brothers' sons from taking the throne." The thought of one of the Valide Sultan's nighttime rants made her shudder on her husband's behalf. But just then he picked her up to carry her to the bed, showering her shoulders and neck with kisses all the while.
"I wish you could send for me every night." She said softly as he set her down.
"Darling, we've been over this. You know that I must maintain that I cannot have a woman as a man, or the Valide Sultan would take over my children's lives and this dynasty would be over."
"If only all men were as selfless as you."
"On the contrary, my dear, I do this purely out of self-interest. I despise the sight of the Valide Sultan making use of her power."
"Had I ever given birth to a son…"
"It is preferable to me that you do not. Even if my mother learns of our charade, she will still have no heir to place on the throne."
Kissing his cheek softly, she did not reply.
"I only regret," he said, opening her collar to press a kiss to her neck to soften his words. "That no one in my harem believes you deserve the rights of a Kadin."
"I don't mind that," she replied.
He pulled away to give her a hard look. "I do."
They sat in each other's embrace for a while then, saying nothing and merely reveling in the fact that they were together.
He kissed her softly, tenderly, and she held him. She thought of all the things she wanted to say, but knew that she could say none of them.
For words of love were forbidden between them. Should the Sultan's mother ever find out, there would be hell to pay—and not only because he had claimed to be incapable of bedding a woman or fathering a child, but also because they had hidden the Sultan's daughters, rightfully Sultanas, away in the countryside. But she knew he loved her, and that he knew that she loved him. That was all she needed.
"I only wish I could introduce the girls to their father." She didn't realize she had said it aloud until she felt him still above her. Eyes widening in horror, she tried to take it back. "No, I didn't- My lord, I really have no complaint-"
"Don't you dare," he growled, "call me your master or lord or Sultan when we are alone together."
She stared up at him—all these years, and she had never received this rebuke. She had never addressed him by any name or title when they were alone. Something warm and comfortable filled her chest, and she felt her cheeks loosen into a smile.
But his eyes were weary and sad as he looked at her. He pulled her to him; skin on skin, but the passion of the moment was lost.
"By Allah," he whispered, and he sounded so broken that she had to stroke his hair. "That is all that you would wish? I wish my daughters could live with me. I wish I could see them. I wish I could kiss you every night and wake up in the morning with you by my side. Sometimes, I even wish you'd go live with your brother and your children—that you wouldn't give up everything in the world to work in a place where you're miserable and she treats you like something on the bottom of her shoe!"
She felt her heart break. "You want me gone?"
He laughed a heartbroken laugh, and his arms tightened around her. "My sweet, don't you listen to anything? I want you with me, everyday and every night, and all the rest of my life I want you here. But more than that, I want you happy."
She looked up at him. She wished the same, only she wanted him to be happy. She knew better than to say so, for it would only make him more frustrated. Instead she shifted so she sat sideways on his lap, and moved his hand to her stomach.
"Maybe you'll have a son this time."
Something indescribable went through his eyes. "I just told you-"
She laughed. "My brother and his wife are caring for our seven daughters. Everyone knows they're at their wit's end. You have no heir. If I have a son this time-"
"No son of mine will grow up with that hag for a grandmother, and no daughter of mine will live in a harem where she is in charge." His eyes were hard: no more would be said on the topic. She felt her heart fall.
"I lo-" She stopped herself just in time, and felt lost.
"I know," he said, planting a chaste kiss to her lips. A moment of silence.
"A slave managed to sneak in a letter from the girls three days ago."
"Tell me about them."
So she did.
Rin blinked her eyes open, slowly orienting herself to her surroundings. Memory came trickling back, and she remembered why her eyes felt swollen and her head ached.
Not allowing herself to dwell on Sesshoumaru—or the dream, which would bring her straight back to Sesshoumaru—she set about digging through the box on which her head had been resting.
By some stroke of luck, the first thing she saw when she opened the box was a diary. Kagome's diary.
Rin opened it eagerly.
My first day of middle school! I'm so excited… Mom gave me this diary as a congratulations gift. I'm going to start keeping this everyday! But for now I've got to run to school. I'll write again tomorrow!
Rin smiled, remembering Kagome years younger and bouncing with excitement at her first day of middle school. She flipped through the pages, finding mostly talk of Kagome's friends, cute boys, and her worries about her appearance. O-ne-san didn't think about very much as a middle schooler, I guess, Rin observed with amusement.
The dates of entries grew further and further apart, until there was a sudden leap from August to April of the next year.
I had the strangest dream—I was a little older than I am now, I think, and I fell into the well in the shed and went into the past where I had to fight demons. The strange thing is how vivid the dream was. I can still remember everything like it really happened. Strangest of all is how Inuyasha was in my dream. I didn't even think about it until I got to school this morning and looked across the room and realized that Inuyasha looks just like the person from my dream! Talk about weird…
As the days went by, it became apparent that Kagome was having dreams nightly, and they got more vivid each night. It was through these dreams that she came to notice Miroku and Sango in real life; the vividness of the dreams seemed to baffle Kagome, to the extent that she tried jumping into the well a few times to no avail. The dreams were by no means in chronological order but definitely from the same…timeline or storyline or whatever it might be called, and in May a slipped comment from Inuyasha after dozing away in class made Kagome realize that she wasn't the only one having the dreams.
"What are you doing, Rin?" said Kagome's voice behind her, and Rin jumped out of her skin.
"O- o-ne-san!" Rin squeaked, trying to hide the diary but knowing that it was too late.
Kagome's look of dismay told Rin that she had seen what Rin was doing.
"What were you reading?" Kagome asked, trying to sound casual. Rin looked away.
"I read about your dreams."
"I see. How much?"
"Enough to have guessed that if I read a little further, I would find myself in your dreams as well."
Kagome was silent for a moment, chewing her lip nervously. "You're not supposed to find out like this," she finally said. "The thing about this spell is that it's desperately important for you to remember your past life on your own. Otherwise you create false memories based on what you've heard, and when your memories really return, you can't figure out what's real and what's not—you could be driven insane."
"It doesn't seem like it should be that big of a deal."
Kagome shook her head. "We cast a spell that had never succeeded before. We need to be cautious."
Rin hesitated. "I had a dream that I was running from wolves. I'd heard you mention something about the Sengoku Era, and I'd been reading about the era when I fell asleep and dreamed it, so I thought I'd really dreamed it up. But after reading a little about the world you describe in there…" She trailed off. Was she really certain that her dream had been a memory? But it had been no more vivid than the other dreams, when she thought about it closely.
Kagome was still chewing her lip, looking lost. Finally, she looked at Rin. "Let's go to Kaede. I'm not supposed to take you till you remember on your own, but…I'd say this is an exceptional circumstance."
"Kaede?" asked Rin in surprise. "You mean the one from Inuyasha's village in the diary? She's here too?" She had been under the impression that it was only the main gang: Kagome, Inuyasha, Miroku, Sango…and somehow herself and Sesshoumaru.
Kagome gave her a hard look. "How far did you read?"
"May 20th was the last entry I read…"
"Let me see that. I need to know what you know."
"I feel like I just happened across a state secret," Rin tried to joke as she handed Kagome the diary.
Kagome smiled, but the smile looked weary. She did not read the entries; she merely flipped through the pages, as if she needed only a glance to recall the dreams that were memories.
It was only a minute later that Kagome closed the diary and nodded. "Alright, I see. I still say we go see Kaede."
Kagome headed down the ladder and Rin followed. She meant to keep track of where Kagome stowed the diary, but by the time she reached the bottom Kagome no longer was holding it. Her heart sank.
"Inuyasha!" Kagome called. "Inuyasha, we've got to go see Kaede! Get the car!"
"What? Why so sudden?" came a grouchy reply from downstairs. It was also garbled, suggesting that he was speaking through a mouthful of instant ramen.
"Now, Inuyasha! Rin found my diary!"
There was a crash, and Inuyasha emerged from the kitchen at the same time as Rin and Kagome reached the bottom of the stairs.
"Grab your coats, let's go."
A tense silence surrounded them as they climbed into the car and Inuyasha drove it out of the driveway and down the street. Rin wanted desperately to say something, but didn't know what there was that she could say. She could not sincerely apologize for having sought out information, that much she knew for sure.
"So, Rin, how much did you read?" Inuyasha asked, his voice falsely cheerful.
"Enough to know how the four of you all met. And about Naraku. Not enough to know how I'm involved."
Inuyasha seemed visibly relieved. "Well then, hopefully there'll be no problem. Kaede will probably just yell at us for letting you get your hands on that diary, and then tell you to take your time letting the memories surface."
"Hm," said Rin, and the car lapsed back into silence.
Inuyasha pulled up at the parking lot in front of an old shrine.
"Welcome," said a friendly-looking old woman who was sweeping the pathway. Her eyes lit up to see them. "Ah! Kagome and Inuyasha. And this must be Rin! I was wondering when you would be coming!"
"It's not what you think, Kaede," said Kagome, and perhaps it was her tone of voice that wiped the smile from Kaede's face and instantly replaced it with concern. "She found and read some of my diary."
Kaede paled. "How could you! I told you how important it was to-" She broke off, took a deep breath and shook her head. "But no, that doesn't matter anymore. It's been done. Now, how much did you read, Rin?" She fixed Rin with a piercing stare.
"I- I know how Kagome o-ne-san met the other three. I know a little about a fox child named Shippou, and a little about an enemy named Naraku… I don't know where I come into the picture. Or Sesshoumaru," she added as an afterthought.
Kaede's eyes grew wide with alarm. "You told her about Sesshoumaru?" she asked Kagome incredulously.
"No," Kagome said slowly, turning to look at Rin. "Actually, I think there's something else we should discuss with you. Rin's been having dreams about Sesshoumaru."
"Well then," said Kaede, looking taken aback. "It's not a big deal then, is it? She almost has her own memories back."
"But that's the thing, Kaede ba-chan—she dreams of Sesshoumaru, but never in the right time or place."
Kaede fixed Rin with another speculative stare. "Come inside and I'll make some tea. I think you had better tell me everything."
"I see," said Kaede when Rin had finished, sipping her tea thoughtfully. "Well, I can tell you this, at least—the dream you had of running from wolves was a true memory."
"But it was no more vivid than the others!" protested Rin. Then she hesitated. "Well, maybe a little bit, I don't remember—but it certainly wasn't as jarring as o-ne-san described in her diary!"
"Then instead of denying all of your dreams," said Kaede, "I suggest that you begin considering that perhaps all of your dreams are true memories."
"But…"
"And you say that Sesshoumaru is there in every single dream?"
"Well, not exactly," Rin amended. "I mean, if I think about it afterwards, he always looks different, of that I'm certain. But somehow, it feels like Sesshoumaru."
Kaede considered this.
"Perhaps she's projecting memories of her last life on all of her past lives?" Kagome suggested.
"I do not know, Kagome," sighed Kaede. "I have never heard of a case like this before. Of course, the reincarnation spell had never succeeded so there really is nothing to be comparing this with, but I see no reason why Rin should have so many past lives muddled in her mind."
Rin wanted desperately to ask about this spell, but the solemn atmosphere made her reluctant to ask for any information.
"If you don't have anything useful to say," yawned Inuyasha, "maybe we should go home. You can find some manuscript on the spell or something, can't you? Meanwhile, the rest of us have to be up early tomorrow morning for work. And school, in Rin's case."
"Inuyasha!" berated Kagome. "This is important! You know how ugly a spell gone awry can get!"
"This isn't a spell gone awry, this is a spell gone in a direction we don't understand. So Rin's remembering lots of past lives. It explains why it's taking her so much longer than us to regain her memories, and sitting around speculating about why isn't going to help anything."
Kagome shot her husband a glare, but could not dispute his point.
Kaede seemed reluctant to let them go, but conceded that there was nothing more she could do or say at the time being. "There is a manuscript on the spell somewhere—I shall try to obtain it and read about it a little more. In the meantime, just go about your daily lives. And Rin"—she fixed Rin with a fierce look—"do not go seeking more information. Let it come to you. I cannot emphasize enough the damage that could be done by your seeking out information about your past life before you've remembered it yourself."
"You keep saying that—but I don't understand why," Rin said, commending herself for keeping her voice steady and her gaze level. She felt like she was about to explode under this odd tension. "Once I remember, my speculations will be overwritten by the memories—and even if they aren't, it's just a past life! Why should it be such a big deal if I don't remember it right?"
"Because, Rin, it is a spell that allows you to retain your memories of your past life," Kaede explained. "The spell will require you to recall the events of your past life. If you learn about your past life before you remember it… Perhaps the spell will merely overwrite the memories, or perhaps you will be able to recall which is real and which was your imagination. But there is always the possibility of the spell going berserk as it tries to insert a memory where you have created another."
"So this danger is a very small possibility," Rin said.
Kagome rolled her eyes and smiled, the tension finally leaving her. "Come on, Rin, let's go. You'll remember soon enough, don't be impatient."
"Telling Rin not to be impatient? And with that kind of tantalizing information?" Inuyasha laughed as he stood.
"Thanks for everything, Kaede ba-chan," smiled Kagome. "We'll contact you the moment anything happens."
"Please do," replied Kaede.
Rin was thinking of Sesshoumaru—of the majestic man she had been thinking of in her wolf dream. She found herself wondering if Sesshoumaru remembered that life too—if there was something in their past life which made him less inclined to be her friend.
Author's Note: The Valide Sultan is the Sultan's mother, and the most powerful woman under the Ottoman Empire. A Kadin is a member of a Sultan's harem who has been officially designated as a "favorite" and has the rights of a legal wife of the Sultan.