A/N: The concluding part of the mini holiday special, More Than My Word, A Very Shassie Christmas. Enjoy.
Lassiter had stood in his spot for hours. Daylight had slipped into night and still Lassiter had not completed his challenge. He tried but everyone who passed by him didn't stop long enough for Lassiter to do the deed and he couldn't move to chase after them. Not that there were very many people. It was Christmas. Most people were at home with their spouses and children, with their families and loved ones.
Shawn watched Lassiter from afar. He'd gone to the trouble of borrowing a book. Lassiter assumed it was so he'd look less suspicious. Shawn would look up from his book every now and then and give Lassiter a challenging look, raising that damn eyebrow of his all coy and expectant.
Lassiter had given up hope by midnight. He'd tried having preferences earlier, only trying to stop a semi-attractive, recently divorced woman in her late fifties and then a younger, more attractive and married woman but both ended in failure. The women didn't notice Lassiter. They just walked right past him like he wasn't even there.
Lassiter leaned against the archway, his feet starting to hurt from the prolonged standing. He looked over at Shawn and watched him for a moment.
Shawn had that look on his face, the one where he seemed to be concentrating. He was looking at the text in his hands like it was something to decipher. Shawn's brow was furrowed and his mouth was in a straight line. His eyes squinted a little as if trying to see something beyond page and ink. He was so serious.
Lassiter smiled a little. It was nice to see Shawn make that signature face when he wasn't upstaging him and solving his cases. In fact, it was almost a pleasant face to see. It really made Lassiter feel like Shawn was back to his old self.
When Juliet had transferred and dumped Shawn, Shawn was a wreck for a long time. He was depressed and quiet. He still solved cases but he did so with less joy and adventurism. It was like he was going through the motions. Gus and Chief Vic were constantly worried about him. Lassiter hated to admit it but, after a while, he began to worry too. Shawn just wasn't himself after Juliet. He changed.
Shawn looked up from his book, looked around, stood up and walked towards Lassiter. He eyed the wall near the archway before resting his back against it. He slid down the wall and into a sitting position. Lassiter turned to look at him and Shawn looked back at him. They were adjacent and as soon as they made eye contact, Lassiter quickly faced forward.
"Well, Lassie, everyone's gone so I figured I'd keep you company," Shawn said.
"You mean you're not going to leave me to stand here all night?" Lassiter grunted.
"No. I may be silly and frivolous but I'm not rude," Shawn said, feigning hurt.
Lassiter pondered this. He knew it was a lie. Shawn was rude all the time if not blatantly obnoxious but Lassiter understood what Shawn meant. Shawn made a stupid command but Lassiter wasn't going to suffer alone.
"Of all the things I've suspected of you," Lassiter said, "comradery wasn't one of them."
"You suspect other things about me?" Shawn asked curiously.
"Many."
Lassiter questioned everything Shawn did and he had his theories too. He usually wrote it off to Shawn being a big kid though. He'd never be anything more than a teenager which explained why he was impatient, rude and a punk.
The lobby of the lodge was empty expect for Shawn and Lassiter. At that rate, they really would be there all night. Not to mention people's innate laziness would force them to wait there most of the morning too since the other guests were sure to sleep in.
"Really, Spencer," Lassiter sighed, "what is this all about?"
Lassiter turned his body to look at Shawn who stared right back at him.
"Honestly, Lassie?"
"No, dishonestly. Yes, honestly!"
"Well I can't give you both." Shawn said stubbornly, "Make up your mind, please."
Lassiter smacked his palm to his forehead. Was he cursed to walk the earth at the same time Shawn did? Couldn't Lassiter have been born five or six decades earlier? It was like he was under some divine punishment.
"Honesty, please," he clarified, frustrated.
"Okay," Shawn took in a deep breath, "I'm worried about you."
"What?"
Shawn turned his whole body to face Lassiter more. The corner of the wall separated them still but Lassiter could see most of Shawn and vice versa.
"I'm worried about you, Lassie," Shawn elaborated, "You haven't been out on one date since Marlowe left you. Time has passed. You need to move one. Hit on people. Be brave."
"I need to move on?" Lassiter scoffed, "What about you?"
"What about me?"
"You haven't been out since Juliet."
The whole room went silence. Shawn turned away slowly and Lassiter felt regret crawling up his throat. Mentioning Juliet made Shawn instantly depressed. He hadn't meant to bring her up but it had slipped out anyway.
"Spencer..."
"I'm over her, y'know," Shawn said quietly, "I am totally over her. It's just that-"
Lassiter leaned in a little.
"Just what?" he asked, still stern.
"Never mind. We're not talking about me. We're talking about you," Shawn redirected, "As I was saying. I'm worried about you. I think you need to be braver-"
"Braver? I'm a cop, Spencer. I consider myself pretty brave."
"All right. You need to be a little more," Shawn searched for the word, "open."
"Open? Open to what?"
Shawn turned back around again. His eyes had a shimmer to them and he seemed to reanimate. Lassiter felt a smile tug at his lips. Shawn could be very pleasant as long as he wasn't teasing Lassiter. There were certain faces he would make that Lassiter found himself enjoying. All sort of little expressions and quirks that he hadn't consciously noticed before.
Because I didn't miss them they way I have been.
"The possibilities, Lassy face!" Shawn ranted, "If you constrict yourself to awkward, attractive women your age then you'll never find someone but there are so many people out there."
That did make sense. Lassiter wasn't exactly a ladies man and most women Lassiter's age were married or involved or happily living out their cougar days at the bar.
"There are older women, younger women..."
Lassiter began nodding in agreement. He hadn't really dated outside his age group. Dating a younger woman might be good for him. Women his age couldn't quite keep up with him anyway. Maybe Shawn was on to something.
"...younger men."
Right, younger me-
"You want to run that by me again?" Lassiter asked, his brow knit.
"It's a big world out there, Lassie," Shawn reasoned, "Maybe you're search isn't for a woman your age. Maybe not a woman at all."
"Shawn," Lassiter said plainly, "I don't find this funny."
"I'm serious!" Shawn said, "Having a relationship with a man can be a very fulfilling experience."
Lassiter paused for a second. How would Shawn know that a homosexual relationship could be fulfilling? What grounds did he have to make that assumption?
Unless...
"Shawn," Lassiter asked cautiously, "Are you...gay?"
Shawn stared down Lassiter bravely even though his face had started to turn red. Clearly, even to Lassiter, he was embarrassed but he looked at Lassiter in the eyes all the same.
"So what if I was?" Shawn asked, "What if I am? Does it bother you?"
Lassiter looked down at Shawn. Shawn stared back, his face challenging. There was something about the big, bold cut of Shawn's nose that made him seem defiant to Lassiter. It really was quiet an impressive nose, straight and definitive. It contrasted with the soft looking lips below it and the stray locks of brown hair that fell on the forehead above it.
"No," Lassiter said, "Of course not. I'm just a little surprised is all."
"Good," Shawn said, still serious and defensive.
Lassiter turned away from Shawn. How was he suppose to approach him now? He was...gay. He was a homosexual. He was-
A fag.
Lassiter peaked around the corner at Shawn. Shawn had turned away again and his head had dropped. Lassiter had the strongest urge to touch Shawn, maybe put a hand on his shoulder though he couldn't say why. Lassiter wasn't the comforting type but maybe that was why he felt the urge. Maybe Shawn needed some comfort.
"That's my problem, Lassie," Shawn said suddenly, "I may be over Jules but there's someone else. Someone I don't think I'll ever get over."
"Is...is it a man?" Lassiter asked, feeling more than a little uncomfortable.
"No, it's a duck," Shawn said sarcastically, "specifically the one form the Aflac commercials. That voice, it gets me every time."
"I'm not going to lie, Shawn. This conversation is making me very...uncomfortable. I don't know how to speak gay."
Shawn rolled his eyes and looked up at Lassiter. His face was all disapproval, his strong nose pointing at Lassiter and those brown eyes squinting to scrutinize him.
"First of all, gay is a sexual orientation not a language and second, I'm not gay. I'm bisexual."
Lassiter felt embarrassed. As conservative a republican as he was, he couldn't outright say that he had a problem with the gays. His own mother was a homosexual. He accepted lesbians, no problem but a gay guy...a gay Shawn?
What would Mother say? Lassiter thought.
Lassiter sighed. He would try to talk about the subject. After all, he was stuck there with Shawn for the night and...
When Marlowe left me...Shawn was there for me even though I didn't want him...he was still there.
Lassiter recalled drunken nights and Shawn driving him home. Shawn encouraging him to get up and move on. The kind words and generous compliments. He complimented his eyes a lot. If Lassiter didn't know any better, he'd say Shawn genuinely liked them.
"So," Lassiter tried to approach the subject, "What's the issue with this guy?"
"He's not interested in dick, much less mine."
"Do you have to phrase it that way?" Lassiter scolded.
"Sorry! He's not into guys and he's really not into me, okay?" Shawn reworded, slightly annoyed.
"Well, that's a simple solution," Lassiter declared, "Stop being interested. No point in wasting time with non mutual feelings."
"I'm not just interested in him, Lassie."
Lassiter looked at Shawn curiously. Shawn still stared at his knees. He really did strike Lassiter as a child sometimes but now it felt more endearing than annoying. Shawn just sat there on the floor, knees to his chest like a kid in time out. Lassiter stayed in place but his mind entertained the idea of getting down to Shawn's level, putting an arm around, doing those things that people seem to do to comfort one another.
Shawn suddenly looked up at Lassiter. His eyes seemed a little more open. They'd stopped squinting long enough to see the big picture. His pupils dilated as he looked at Lassiter. Those bring brown eyes seemed to invite Lassiter in, calling him to see the big picture they'd uncovered.
"I love him," Shawn admitted, his voice a little choked up.
Lassiter could feel his ears start to burn a little. Hearing Shawn say that word was a little unsettling and somewhat embarrassing. Lassiter was bothered by the word 'love.' Shawn wasn't allowed to use that word. It was a word for adults.
"How do you know you love this-" Lassiter hesitated, "this man?"
"It started off little like I started to notice all these faces he'd make."
If Lassiter had been walking, he would have frozen in his tracks. His ears seemed to perk up a bit.
"I kept having this urge to touch him too. I always wanted to touch him. Nothing big or anything. Just a hand on his shoulder or something."
Lassiter's ears grew hotter and redder. He started to feel his pulse in them. Shawn was listing the very things Lassiter had been thinking lately.
It's just a coincidence. Lassiter tried to assure himself.
"And then I realized how much a liked things about his face. His lips, his hair, his eyes..."
Calm down, Carlton, he didn't say-
"His nose..." Shawn listed before continuing, "What really got me was his eyes. I started to see...beyond them if you will. There was more to them than color. There was a message...a bigger picture-"
"Enough!" Lassiter shouted, his ears beat red and his heart thudding in his ear drums.
"What?" Shawn asked, slightly concerned and very surprised.
"I get it," Lassiter diverted, "You love this guy. I asked for a reason not a novel."
Lassiter didn't want to hear anymore. Hearing Shawn talk about his love for this man made Lassiter uncomfortable and embarrassed and annoyed. Hearing Shawn speak his thoughts irritated him further. It was like he was reading his mind and he hated the idea that Shawn could even remotely come off as psychic.
More importantly, he hated that Shawn was describing everything Lassiter was feeling and that Shawn's feelings were for some... stranger.
"I don't think you do get it," Shawn argued, "This man was the very reason I got up in the morning after Jules left me without ever saying a word to me about it."
"Okay, Spencer." Lassiter continued to fight it.
"I'd do anything for him. I don't anything for anyone but I'd do anything for him."
"I said, okay," Lassiter said, his voice starting to rise.
"He may not really like me but I know he cares about me. He has to."
"Enough, Spencer!" Lassiter shouted, trying to drown him out.
"I'd die for him!" Shawn shouted just as loudly and standing up to his feet.
"Argh!" Lassiter leaned around the corner and tried to cover Shawn's mouth.
"I'd give anything for him just to know how I feel!" Shawn shouted louder as he pushed Lassiter's hand away.
"Shut up!" Lassiter grabbed Shawn's shirt collar with one hand.
"I'd give up my Christmas for him!" Shawn yelled, "Every Christmas!"
Lassiter couldn't take it anymore. He pulled Shawn around the corner and shoved him against the opposite end of the archway.
"I love him so much that I followed him to a ski lodge, out into the forest in fucking freezing weather, made a stupid bet, threw snowballs at him, and have been sitting in that chair for the past I don't know how many hours trying to muster up the damn courage to get up and do- this!"
Shawn grabbed Lassiter by the shoulders, pulled him forward and pressed his lips against Lassiter's mouth.
Lassiter couldn't pull away. Slowly, his grip on Shawn's shirt collar loosened until his arms slid right off of the younger man. Lassiter's eyes were wide open and his mouth was still slightly ajar if from nothing but the shock of it all.
That strong nose of Shawn's was against Lassiter's face. Shawn's lips were as soft as they looked and in the closeness of their state, Lassiter caught the scent of pineapple that lingered on Shawn. Lassiter stared at Shawn's closed eyes, searching for the hiding brown irises, searching for answer.
It's...me? I'm...I'm the man Shawn's in love with?
Shawn pulled his face away from Lassiter's but his hands still lingered on his shoulders. His face resumed the angry and focused expression it had before the kiss as he continued to yell as if Shawn had never paused to do something so serene and tender.
"And I am sorry but I could not live the rest of my life without doing that!"
Lassiter was still in shock. His eyes were still as wide as before and his arms hung at his sides, limp and useless.
"You...love me?"
"Yes! Okay! I love you!" Shawn continued to shout, "And now that it's public knowledge, I am going to crawl under a rock and live out the rest of my days as a hermit!"
Shawn took a side step and Lassiter's arms responded instantaneously. Lassiter grabbed Shawn by the shoulders. He stared at him, firm and resolute.
"Where are you going?" Lassiter demanded.
"I just explained this. I'm heading for subterranean hermitude."
Shawn tried to walk away again but Lassiter's grip was iron.
"I lost a bet." Lassiter reminded him.
Shawn's eyes closed for a moment. He was trying to hold something back and Lassiter wanted nothing more than to force his eyes open. There was no hiding anything anymore. Not in a time and a place and a moment like this.
"You don't have to keep your word, Lassie. Please, I'm begging you not to," Shawn said, his eyes still shut.
"You listen to me Spencer," Lassiter informed him, "I always keep my word."
"I don't want it Lassie, it doesn't- it's not how I pictured it in my head."
Lassiter released one of Shawn's shoulders. Lassiter reached up, his hand hovering near Shawn's face. Slowly, his fingers made contact with Shawn's cheek.
"Open your eyes, damn it." Lassiter said, "Look at me."
Shawn's eyes slowly opened, they were shy and hesitant. Lassiter could see the emotion in Shawn's. Every crease and pore said something all on its own. Lassiter was almost in shock of how well he could read Shawn's face. Lassiter was terribly with social and emotional cues but Shawn was different. Lassiter could read the embarrassment in Shawn's creased lids, the temptation to trust in his rising eyelashes. Lassiter knew this face. He knew it because, in his own way, he loved it.
Lassiter let his fingers linger on Shawn's cheek. His movements were slow and deliberate but tender as his thumb caressed the bridge of Shawn's nose. His index finger rested under Shawn's eye. Lassiter's hand trailed downwards until it gently cupped Shawn's chin. Lassiter's thumb rested on Shawn's lips, tracing the pink lines softly.
He's beautiful. Lassiter admitted to himself.
"Shawn," Lassiter said quietly, "this is more than my word."
Lassiter kissed Shawn tenderly, softer than he'd ever kissed anyone before. It was so delicate that it hurt. Lassiter's heart was pounding in his chest, crying out for more and crying out for less. Lassiter pulled away slowly, just enough to part their lips but close enough to kiss again.
"Not a day went by that I didn't worry about you," Lassiter said quietly, closing his eyes, "I wanted to comfort you and bring you back but you know me...I'm not good at that stuff."
Lassiter opened his eyes and took a step back as Shawn's body impacted with his. Shawn had thrown his arms around him, half tackle half hug. He gripped him tightly. Lassiter didn't know what to say. Years they had known each other and Shawn had offered his hugs on many occasions but Lassiter had never expected this. Shawn's embrace was warm, needy almost. If Lassiter had known that Shawn had wanted...needed this embrace so badly he would have given it sooner.
Lassiter couldn't say for himself what had just happened. The implications of this one night were endless. Did this mean that Lassiter was gay? Gay just for Shawn? In love with Shawn? He couldn't tell. All he knew was that he wasn't stop what was happening. He wanted it whatever that meant. Lassiter brought his arms up and found himself holding Shawn just as tight.
"Lassie, this isn't just because of the bet is it?" Shawn said, filling the silence.
"No, Shawn."
"Is it because it's Christmas?"
"No."
"So then you-"
"Just shut up and let me hold you, Spencer," Lassiter instructed softly, "Just...let me hold you."
A/N: And thus concludes the holiday fluff! I was actually really happy not to write sexy sex scenes for this. I know, blasphemy right? XD Nah, it was nice to write something short and sweet and innocent and short. I've got lots of fics to finish but I'll pick them up after New Year's. Merry Christmas everybody! :)