~ Well your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof: her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you.~

It had been weeks since Blair and Chuck's accident. Since Serena had really thought about anything. She poured herself into her work for The Spectator and maintaining a professional relationship with Nate. But she found her thoughts lingering. Why couldn't she stop thinking about Dan? And what was going on with Blair? When Dan stopped by asking about Blair, Serena felt a hole in her stomach. She didn't still have feelings for Dan, right? Just like she was completely over Nate, or so she told herself. The two of them worked together and, considering how messed up everyone else's lives were it was nice for Serena to have one person to rely on who was simpler.

But the more Nate and Serena were spending time together the more Serena realized that she still had unresolved feelings for him, just like she did for Dan. Only, with Nate, she didn't feel pangs of jealousy whenever she thought of her best friend. When had life gotten so complicated and when did Dan go from despising Blair to being in love with her?

Serena tried to push her thoughts aside as she asked Dan who should be the biggest transformation in her yearend review.

"Uh…how about you?" Dan asked

Serena smiled and felt an all too familiar lump in her throat. Dan didn't see things the way she did; when he said something like that it was purely as a friend but she always read more into it. It was such a turnaround from when he was the one hopelessly in love with her and she had no idea.

When Serena mentioned that she was dateless for New Years, she had been hoping for more of a response. Instead all she got was an inquiry about Blair, of course. Serena bit back her disappointment and instead focused on her worry for her best friend. Blair had been withdrawn ever since she lost the baby and went back to Louie and Serena still couldn't figure out why she had chosen the prince. She was clearly in love with Chuck and it pained Serena to see her friend making such a mistake.

It was the same way Serena felt about her choices with Dan and Nate. She had played with both of them and lost both of them, possibly for good. As if by some sort of fate, Nate came out of the elevator.

"Nate hey, I'm sorry, I'm almost ready."

Serena closed her laptop and her thoughts and listened to Nate poke fun at Dan and his novel. There was an edge to his voice that Serena hadn't noticed before.

~ And she tied you to her kitchen chair: she broke your throne, she cut your hair and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah.~

Nate was trying really hard to forget about Serena and the lingering looks she continued to give Dan. After spending weeks together working at The Spectator, Nate had hoped that she would see what he saw. He hoped that she would see how well the y worked together, like two puzzle pieces. He had even thought that maybe, just maybe, she would forget about Dan and realize that he was right there and that he cared about her. Dan cared more about Blair and Nate could tell that he was being cagey about it, probably because Blair had gone back and forth from Chuck to Louie without giving Dan a second thought, past their one kiss. Meanwhile, Dan had written a book practically professing his love for her; it was strange that Nate and Dan shared that in common, the inability to stop loving people who didn't feel the same. But from the look on Serena's face as she looked at Dan, Nate could tell that all three of them were in the same boat.

When Serena joined Nate in the mutual teasing of Dan and his novel Nate knew she was trying to lighten it up a little. Nate had never been good at masking his emotions and, right now, all he wanted to do was make fun of Dan. But Serena was on Dan's side, not his, and she probably always would be.

Back at the office, Serena listened to Nate scold her over not reading the blasts she was being sent. She didn't want to be the new gossip girl and she certainly didn't want to read dirt on her closest friends. What if she saw something in there that confirmed her doubts about Blair? Or something about Dan and Blair together? Serena couldn't handle the thought of finding information that would hurt her or someone she cared about, not again.

"My blog is about my life, not using information to hurt people."

Serena didn't understand why Nate didn't get that. She refused to be like Gossip Girl in any way and reading those blasts was one step closer to becoming the next Gossip Girl.

Serena rolled her eyes when Nate suggested she actually read the blasts. What would that make her? She couldn't take back all of the bad stuff these people were sending her but reading it would make sure that she would never forget it. Serena just hoped that if she ignored the emails they would dissipate and Gossip Girl would stay gone forever.

Nate was frustrated with everyone lately. Dan was stringing Serena along with his meaningless flirting when all the while he was in love with someone else. Blair was doing what only God knew by marrying Louie and leaving Chuck to deal with the fallout of losing her again. And Serena well, she was so busy trying to not be other people that she was missing what was right in front of her: The opportunity to take over as Gossip Girl and take her down, for good. Nate wasn't sure when he had become the only one who knew what they wanted but he was getting tired of waiting for it. Then again, he would never rush his feelings for Serena, whatever they were. He knew they were always there bubbling beneath the surface but Nate wasn't about to declare those feelings aloud until he was sure they would be reciprocated because he couldn't take another heartbreak at the hands of that beautiful blonde.

All throughout Nate's meeting he kept thinking about what he wanted. He knew that his feelings for Serena were as real as ever but he also knew that more than anything, he wanted her to be happy. And, for now, that meant taking down Gossip Girl. He could focus on helping her see what she was missing with him once Gossip Girl was gone.

Then the text messages came and Nate's world was rocked again. The paparazzi weren't to blame for Chuck and Blair's accident? Then who was? Nate's thoughts lingered on the sender of the texts: who could it be? Nate had no idea who could be texting him but, one thing was certain: as a journalist he was going to make it his mission to find out.

~ Well, maybe there is a God above but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.~

It looked as though Serena wouldn't need the blasts to find out the truth behind Dan and Blair. Still, even after Chuck showed her a picture, she refused to believe that the two of them were together, together. After all Dan was a lot of things but he would never sneak around behind everyone's backs, would he? Serena was beginning to wonder if she knew Dan at all, anymore. He was hiding things and being secretive about everything and Serena was hurt that he no longer confided in her. After all she had cried on his shoulder when her dad had left and she had decided to leave with him when her family was trying to put her into rehab. And now, when he had secrets, he wasn't willing to tell her anything. Serena knew that they hadn't been together for a long time but she still was hurt that he didn't trust her anymore.

Before she could continue dwelling on Dan, Chuck and Louie once again brought up the subject of the blasts. Exasperated with everyone for trying to make her look at them, she thrust her laptop into their hands and told them to have at it. She didn't care what anyone did anymore; she decided to focus solely on helping Blair recover from her loss.

As the night dragged on and Serena learned the truth about Blair and Dan, she felt a weight coming off of her shoulders. So her best friend and her ex-boyfriend weren't having an affair; that was good. Still Serena was jealous that the two of them had had this whole other secret going on without her, a secret that was obviously crushing Blair.

So when everyone asked Dan what he was doing with Blair, Serena covered and said that they were together. It seemed like the only way that she could stop Chuck and Louie from finding out about Blair's "pact" or "promise" or whatever she was calling it. She looked at Nate and quickly looked away, unable to take the pain she saw in his eyes. She tried to convince herself that he was just upset that she had been keeping something from him when they had gotten so close the past few weeks. That was the only reason she felt guilty too; she didn't like keeping secrets from Nate. The pang of guilt she felt when she knew that she was hurting him had nothing to do with the unresolved feelings she had, or so she told herself.

~ Love is not a victory march it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.~

Nate could scarcely believe it. All this time he had thought Dan was playing Serena when really he was the one being played. All the late nights in the office, the long talks about the way things used to be and Serena had been seeing Dan the whole time. It was worse than the feeling of knowing that she didn't feel the same; the betrayal cut deeper than any heartbreak Nate had felt in a long time. It wasn't as though he could do anything to stop it, though: Serena loved Dan and apparently he felt the same.

So he had to bury his feelings, at least for now. But then he looked at Blair and Chuck and how they were burying their feelings. And how Dan was in love with Blair, or at least he had been. Hiding your feelings didn't get you anywhere, not in this place. So it was right then and there that Nate knew what he had to do: He had to tell Serena the truth. That he would always be in love with her and that Dan was not the right guy for her. Nate was always there for her; he knew kept secrets from her and he never tried to hide from her. So all of the unanswered questions of why Serena had also seemed so out of the loop slipped from Nate's mind as he resolved to finally confront his unanswered questions.

As Nate learned of the cut brake line on the limo Chuck and Blair were in he forgot all about his resolve to tell Serena. Or, rather, he forced it from his mind to focus on the real issue: why would someone have purposefully cut the brakes to hurt Chuck and Blair? As he was standing on the periphery of the party thinking about this, he saw Serena and Dan. She looked…happy. And, for now, Nate had bigger problems. Even though his heart was aching and he was hurting with his feelings, someone had tried to kill two of his best friends. And that took preference over his broken heart. So as he walked away from Serena and Dan's kiss and into his office, he didn't notice the two both looking not at each other but at lost loves: Dan at Blair and Serena at him.

~ And it's not a cry that you hear at night it's not somebody who's seen the light it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.~

Serena didn't feel what she knew she wanted to feel. She wanted to feel like she and Dan were connecting again, romantically. She wanted to feel the searing passion they had first felt when they were together and, again when they were in the elevator those many years ago. Now the kiss was half-hearted and when they pulled away, Serena saw Dan searching for Blair, just as she felt herself yearning to find Nate. She wanted to apologize for all of it and tell him it wasn't true, though she wasn't sure why. She didn't have to justify her actions to him; so why did she feel so horrible? As she saw him walking towards his office she was tempted to follow but, knowing the questions that would cause and the danger it posed to her current situation, she thought better of it. After all, what would everyone think if Serena went chasing another man when she was supposed to be "with" Dan?

Against her better judgment, Serena did decide to find Nate. She couldn't let him think that she had been lying to him all this time.

"Nate…" She began. But, instead of saying what was on her mind, Serena copped out and said that she would take on the role as the new and improved Gossip Girl.

She turned to leave but something stopped her.

"I'm sorry," Was all Serena said before she turned and left to go find Dan and continue their charade.

She was sorry? After lying to him for weeks that was all Nate got? An apology? Nate felt like he was going to explode; he hadn't been this angry with Serena since all the lies back when they were dating.

Maybe it was for the best, he thought bitterly. When they were together she had lied and now she was lying again and they weren't even dating. But even as Nate tried to convince himself that this was better, he knew that he couldn't sit by and watch Dan and Serena canoodling every second of every day. He had to tell her, the question was only when.
So when Nate got a chance to join forces with Gossip Girl to find out who was trying to kill him, the only question that remained was whether he wanted to risk hurting Serena and making a deal with the enemy in order to find out the truth.

**I hope you guys like it, I didn't have a lot to go with this episode (because the GG writers are terrible and this episode was laughable, at best) but I guess we shall see for the next episode if I can turn it around. I'm trying to work in a good time for Nate to confess but it's difficult because I want to stay as close to script as possible without killing myself writing Derena (gross). R&R, please

**Song Quotes are from Hallelujah: I thought it was appropriate given the God references this episode and how no one is with the person they actually love.