"Oh this really isn't my color." Izaya whined as he looked down at the thin fabric white sweat pants and v-neck white t-shirt he was forced to wear; he would much rather have something black instead of white. Shinra had given him these clothes just to make sure he was hiding any switchblades in his regular clothes.
"Don't you have anything more my style?" Izaya asked the underground doctor as he scribbled something down on his clipboard.
"Nope you'll just have to deal with that; and don't be so worried about your appearance, it's not like anyone else is going to see you except me and Celty." Shinra said in his usual cheerful tone; after getting all of the drama out of the way he was in a lot better mood. It had taken three weeks for the informant to be able to stay off life support; he still had the bandages and stitches though.
"What about him?" Izaya asked, nodding towards the larger male that was standing a few feet away from them. Shizuo had wanted to be there when Izaya was put into the solitary confinement room. He also wanted to make sure there was no possible way the flea could escape.
"I could care less what you wear parasite." Shizuo said acidly; if looks could kill Izaya would have died right there and then. Izaya couldn't meet eyes with the bodyguard so he kept his head down; he really didn't know how to answer to that…he couldn't even think of a snide comeback.
"Before I have you put in the SC room I wanted to do a mental evaluation on you; I've already done a physical one and everything seems to be fine." Shinra said as he stared writing on his clip board again.
"So, it would be like a therapy session or something like that?" Izaya asked curiously, Shinra just nodded to the question. The brunet's eyes wandered across the floor until his vision met with the bodyguards shoes.
"Um…Shizu-chan could you please…leave so I can't talk to Shinra freely?" Izaya asked, not even showing any attempt to look up at the blonde.
"What the hell…did he just say 'please'?"
"I never knew you even knew any polite words like "please" flea." Shizuo shot back at the nervous brunet.
"What's with this bastard? He's trying to be polite about all this and he can't look me in the eye? What's he up to?" Shizuo thought as he stared at the smaller male suspiciously.
"I'm going to stay, I'm curious to learn why you're such a bastard." Shizuo said as he went to sit in one of the chairs in the room. Izaya sighed heavily as he and Shinra sat down on the bed he had lied in for the past few weeks.
"Do we really need to do this Shinra? You've known me since we were kids and I've always come to you with my fucked up problems; can't you just take the information from that?" Izaya asked; he really didn't want to talk about his life in front of the ex-bartender.
"I can't remember everything from when we were younger, and half of the time I didn't know the whole story behind why you were so upset. Really all I remember from when you were upset was that you cried a lot a tried to commit suicide a few times." Shinra said honestly.
"Well…what really do you want to know? I'm not really sure what I should talk about."
"Just tell me if you've had any traumatic experiences when you were younger or maybe tell me why you were always so sad all the time. " Shinra said as he got ready to write.
"Well…there really wasn't anything wrong with my family; my mother was always nice to me and my dad worked a lot but he would always find time for my sisters and me. As for my sisters they were fun to play with but just got annoying as they got older, like all younger siblings do." Izaya explained.
"That's good, so no family troubles." Shinra said as he wrote quickly on his clipboard.
"I guess everything really started when I started to go to school; I didn't meet you until third grade but before that I didn't have any friends. You were my first friends ever…a lot of the kids didn't like me because I was weird. When I was in Kindergarten I would break out laughing for no reason and try to tackle most of the kids that I wanted to be friends with because I wanted to be as close as possible to them. I just really loved humans back then so I wanted to make friends with all of them, I tried so hard…but I just wasn't like any of them…I didn't do any of the things normal children did…"
"What do you mean Izaya-kun?"
"For example, when it was nap time I would roll around on my mat and laugh into my hands while the other children tried to sleep. Or when we got to color I would just start writing a lot of random facts I knew then cut them out and paste them all over my clothes so I didn't forget them; sometimes I would even glue them to my hair so they would be close to my thoughts. Playing on the play ground I was a nightmare; I would stalk the other children by hiding behind things and watching them play, I would also sometimes hold onto one of them and not let go until one of the teachers had to pry me off of him. Most kids were afraid of me, but the ones who weren't would bully me constantly. They would break any toy I brought in and in the winter they would shove snow in my clothes and face; when I told the teachers about this none of them believed me so I really just had to take it."
"What else did they use to do to you; did they ever hit you or get physical like that?" Shinra asked curiously; he was getting really interested in his friends past.
"Yes, at lunch time they would throw apples at my head and on the playground they would push me off the swings and shove my face into the dirt. Even while I was walking home they would sneak up behind me and start holding me down and punching me; after they did I would run home crying and my mother would patch up any scratches I had gotten."
"That's horrible, is that why you hate humans?"
"Huh? Who said I hate humans? I love humans; I love them all so much! Even now I still am in love with them all. Those bullies were only half of my problems; it only got worse as I got older. After I met you things seemed to get better because I had someone I could talk to…but sometimes I was embarrassed to go to you for help so the really bad things that happened to me I never told you."
"Like what?" Izaya was starting to shake and he was trying to keep his voice from shaking as he talked at this point.
"Well, after my sisters were born my parents started to fight a lot and eventually got divorced when I was entering fifth grade. My father had left us to stay with our mother…the day he walked out on us was the last day I saw him. I don't even know where he is now; he said something about moving to Florida and hooking up with a woman younger then my mother so I bet he's there…but after what he did I can't even handle saying his name."
"I'm sorry that happened; were you really close with your father?" Shinra asked
"Yes, he was always there when I needed him and he always knew just what to say when I was upset." Izaya sighed; he had to rub a few stray tears that had escaped his eyes; Shizuo was still sitting near him with wide eyes at what he had just heard. Shinra reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief for the brunet.
"It's ok Izaya, just take your time." Shinra said as he handed the cloth to the male next to him; Izaya dabbed his eyes with it and continued.
"I started to think that…the reason why my parents broke up was because of me, I knew my father was starting to get annoyed with me e different and me constantly coming home bruised and scratched up…I really just thought he left because of me, and I still think that. Only a few months after my father left it hit me that I really am just different from everyone else and maybe…I don't even deserve to live if all I do is freak people out."
"I do remember around that time you tried to kill yourself by jumping off the roof of your house; you got a pretty bad broken arm because of that." Shinra said; recalling sitting in the hospital with Izaya as he got his arm put into a cast.
"Yea…everyone kept telling me what a freak I was, even my mother started to calling me her "monster of a child" so I kind of just thought everyone would be better off if I wasn't alive." Izaya said; he was keeping his head down with his bangs covering his eyes. He really couldn't look either male in the eyes….
"Once we started high school you seemed to be ok though?" Shinra asked curiously.
"I was for a little while; I started to date and I was really happy then but all of them turned out to just be using me or didn't want anything long term with me. The girls I dated used me to get their ex-boyfriends jealous; in the end I would usually get my assed kicked by their ex's. I gave up on girls and started dating a couple of guys; some were just dating me because they had no one else to date and once they did find someone better than me they dumped me. The last guy I dated just wanted to fuck me and almost forced me to do so but I cut him with my switchblade and ran off before he could lay a finger on me. At that point I just stopped dating all together because I just couldn't trust anyone anymore."
"After what you've been through that's understandable, it's a good thing you had that switch blade on you or you would have been raped. Do you think all that has happened to you is the reason why you love to torture others?"
"I'm not really sure why I like torturing my lovely humans; I guess I'm a hypocrite for saying that I love them so much and then just going and ruining their lives or putting them into some kind of trouble…I guess in my past when I tried to show my affection by being nice to them and it didn't work…I found another way to show my affection towards them…"
"You do know Izaya that what you're doing isn't showing love for anyone at all; all you're doing is hurting them." Shinra said fiercely.
"I know….I…I'm…sorry Shinra." Izaya was able to choke out before he heard his voice crack; he bit his lip hard to keep from hysterically crying…he especially didn't want to cry in front of Shizuo
"Well at least we found the reasons on why you're like this, now we just have to work towards making you better. I really just think you've had a rough time growing up and you're a bit traumatized by it all that you have trust issues." Shinra said, reading his analyses to the males.
"Actually I have a question for you flea." Izaya turned his head slightly at the sound of the blonde's voice.
"What is it Shizu-chan?" Izaya was sure it would be something rude or teasing towards him…but to his surprise…it wasn't.
"Why am I the one you love to annoy the most; what's so special about me?" Shizuo asked, he had always wondered why Izaya had targeted him as his favorite "toy" to play around with.
"Your very interesting Shizu-chan, for some reason I get an adrenaline rush when I see that brute strength of yours. I guess I really just bother you because I love seeing you get angry, I love seeing you not be human. It makes me feel like I'm not the only monster in this world."
"...You and I are nothing alike if that's what you're implying flea; what you do is to show affection in some sick, twisted way. I hate the strength I have and I hate that I can't control it. You hurt people knowingly; I hurt people because I can't control myself. So stop saying we're alike, because we're not."
"I don't…like to hurt people Shizu-chan."
"Obviously you do since you've been doing it since high school." Izaya was quiet for a while, trying to process everything the blonde was telling him before he spoke up.
"I'm sorry Shizuo…"
"You're…what?" Shizuo asked shocked, did the flea really just apologies to him?
"I'm sorry I hurt your brother, I'm sorry I hurt you all these year, I'm sorry I hurt all those people, and I'm sorry I'm so horrible that it makes you sick to look at me…I'm just so sorry…" Izaya said, tears had started to run down his cheeks as he kept his vision to the floor. Shizuo stood up from his chair and went to go stand in front of the brunet.
"Izaya, look at me." Shizuo ordered; when the brunet didn't move he grabbed the smaller male's chin roughly and pulled his head up to look at him. What Shizuo saw in Izaya's eyes…wasn't Izaya…all he saw was hurt, pain and regret.
"It doesn't matter how many times you apologies, I'll never forgive you for what you've done…especially for what you've done to Kasuka." Shizuo said, looking into the smaller males eyes before standing up straight and walking out of the room.
Author's Note: Don't blame me for making these couple chapters sad, this is an angst fan fiction. But the next chapter will have less sadness and more Shizaya in it so be prepared for it :) I hope you liked this chapter and I'll be working on the next since I'm on Christmas break next week! Please review and thanks for reading!