Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece.
Warning: this chapter gets graphic.
No One Knows Who I Am
Pain.
As if a great beast was sitting on her chest pressing down with all his might and squeezing the very life from her with the cruel hand around her throat. And with the pain a heavy darkness that slithered into her nose and throat filling her lungs, making it so she couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't speak. He would take her life! And she was completely helpless against him! He'd take her soul too and more. Nothing would stop this beast until every last bit of her essence was drained. Motionlessly she thrashed against him, voicelessly she screamed out in pain. Without tears she cried her horrors into the night and without breath her lungs struggled to expand in search of air.
The whole time his wicked laugh rang in her ears piercing her mind with its malicious nature.
Nami sat up with a great gasp filling her lungs with sweet air. With shaking limbs, Nami touched her throat and chest where the feeling of her terror still lingered. Sweat covered her pale skin. She didn't realize she was crying until she brushed her hair back from her face and felt the dampness on her cheeks. It was the second nightmare of the night; thankfully, her stomach was already empty so the need to retch didn't come upon her. Nami looked at the clock on her bedside table, which read half past four. She might as well get up- it wasn't like she was going to get any sleep now.
Dressing in some jeans and a fitted t-shirt, Nami headed aimlessly out to the deck. The lack of sleep was getting to her and sometimes it even felt that she was neither fully awake nor fully asleep. Her walk now was trance-like as she paid no heed to where her feet brought her since she neither knew nor cared.
They had left Doflamingo's island and days passed by and then weeks. By the time two months had passed, Nami was doing okay- at least in her waking life. She wasn't great by any stretch of the imagination, but she had managed to maintain a good enough facade that no one asked any questions- or the questions asked were immediately silenced with a cold glare from Sanji or Zoro. Though Nami still had the nightmares and was still having trouble eating, she had come to truly believe in her strong words. No matter how hurt she had been, her nakama were here for her. In truth, she had come to appreciate both Zoro and Sanji more because they had both kept her secret and they alone knew the extent of her problems.
As she walked across the dark expanse of Sunny's deck she made some concessions to her reasoning. Maybe she wasn't doing as well as she pretended, but she considered holding herself together a great success. She had noticed that her jeans were a little too big and her substantial chest had lost almost a cup-size- thankfully the man on board who paid the most attention to her breasts was Sanji and he knew the reason for their diminished stature. None of the other men could accurately guess her measurements from a simple glance, which was good since she still didn't plan on telling them.
Nami's decision to not tell the crew was a hard one and often resulted in to drastically different emotions for her. Sometimes she thought that since no one expected her to be hurt, it was easier to pretend she wasn't hurt. Other times, she resented them for not seeing her pain. In the end she always had to remind herself that no one could see the things she hid away deep within herself.
One thing was certain, though- Nami was tough. When her mother was killed in front of her when she was only ten, she didn't crumple and fall like a child. She stood up and became a thief in order to buy back her home, she shouldered the hopes of the village she loved and she fought for her right to live on. She even smiled when she looked into the face of her mother's murderer. She had ten years of practice living a double life; it was not so hard to fall into the habit again. Luffy had taught her to let others in and rely on her friends. He had proved Bell-mere's words to her- that if she kept smiling and moved forward eventually she would have something to smile about again.
So Nami smiled- even if it was merely a calculated movement of muscles and not a genuine expression of feeling. The corners of her mouth twitched up even if they didn't quite reach high enough to make the corners of her eyes crinkle. A false smile was better than tears and it was the only expression she was comfortable showing to the crew right now. And if she spent her nights crying silently into her pillow, the only one who knew was Robin and she had too much tact to say anything.
When Nami reached her darkest times, she let Bell-mere's words echo through her head and she took comfort from them now as she had done for many years in the past: "No matter what happens, don't ever hate the world you were born under! It's alright if people don't praise or compliment you! Don't ever lose the strength to smile no matter when... Because if you continue to live on, you'll surly come across fun times as well...!"
Keep smiling and one day you will have something to smile about; cry and you will find something to cry about. If Nami remembered this, she could live on. She could sail the seas and draw charts, she could grow her mikans and hunt for treasure. None of those things had been taken from her. And even if she couldn't abide by them touching her, Nami at least had the laughter of her nakama to guide her. Had they known the depth of her pain, they would have treated her like a fine porcelain doll that might break under the slightest bit of pressure. It wasn't what she needed right now. Right now she needed her crewmates to treat her normally so that maybe one day soon, she could feel normal.
It was one of the reasons she was so thankful for Sanji and Zoro. They treated her in almost the same way they had before the incident, but they were a little more protective. Essentially, they knew how to watch for the shifts in her mood. They were there when she needed them, but they never loomed over her as if she were a feeble child. Most of the time they supported her silently, and she was glad for their forbearance.
Often times, when one of the other crewmembers had gotten too close to her either Zoro or Sanji would step in to distract the other pirate and get them away from Nami. When Nami fell into bouts of melancholy as she had taken to doing since the incident, both men made sure she was undisturbed. Sanji had scaled back his flirting with her drastically when he realized it made her so uncomfortable now and she knew that had taken a lot of effort from him. Neither man let Nami out of their sight when they boarded a new island and were constantly there to protect her if the need should arise. Yet they never mentioned it or pointed out that Nami needed protecting.
If the crew noticed anything strange about this new group, they didn't say much about it. One time she had heard Chopper remark to Usopp that it must be hard for Nami to go out with both Sanji and Zoro like that since the two men fought constantly. But Usopp corrected the young reindeer and said that Nami insisted that both men go with her because she was he only one who could keep the two from killing each other.
Instead of tearing Sanji, Zoro and Nami apart, the incident had caused the three of them to act as a tighter group than ever. Secure in that knowledge, Nami found that sometimes she didn't have to force her smiles or laughter. The bad feelings were still there, but her good feelings were starting to come back. Even so, she still couldn't let anyone touch her since that night. Even the slightest pressure of a hand on her arm made her jump and pull back. The moment someone's skin brushed against hers, her flesh felt as if it were crawling. Tremors seized her and she was drawn somewhere dark within her own head.
The sensation was strange and Nami couldn't explain it. She knew they wouldn't hurt her so it wasn't like she was afraid. Somehow it was more like she didn't deserve to be touched. Her sullied skin would surely carry the taint of what had happened. How could they not know the moment they touched her what she had been through? Her body held a thousand secrets and she wasn't ready to give them up.
It was the hardest with Luffy since the goof-ball captain didn't have too much regard for personal space. It had never bothered Nami before the incident-truthfully she had never even noticed- but now she was very aware of Luffy when he leaned over her shoulder too closely to look at a map she was drawing or to see what food Sanji had brought her. Thankfully Zoro would show up seemingly from nowhere and get the rubber man's attention. Never once did he mention what he was doing and it took Nami a week or so to figure out that he was saving her from the embarrassing touch of her nakama.
Nami's feet finally ceased their directionless wander when she arrived in front of her small mikan grove like they had on so many nights before. Questions flooded her mind. Why her? Why this? Wasn't there any other way Doflamingo could have accomplishes his goal? With a sigh, Nami sat on the deck and pulled her knees up to her chest. What had she lost? She still didn't even quite know.
If she had been a virgin at the time of the attack, she could lament the loss of her innocence. But being a pirate for ten years now, she had long since been unburdened by virtue. Sometimes it felt wrong to hurt so much- it wasn't as if she'd never had sex before. Still, Nami knew that every time before she had been careful to separate sex from her feelings. It kept things from getting complicated. And she'd always had a choice. But that night, the brutality and forcefulness of the act had ripped at her and torn her open exposing her rawest edges.
Nothing about that night was free of emotion. Fear, pain, revulsion, the knowledge that her body hurt both of her friends- these were the feelings that haunted her dreams night after night. She could almost affirm that it wasn't the sex that bothered her as much as the twisting web of emotions the act entangled and the lack of choice she had faced. Yet without the sex this mess wouldn't be the same. If Doflamingo simply had Zoro beat her up they would all be over it by now. Nami wouldn't feel so misplaced. Against her good sense, the feelings she had for her nakama had been twisted and perverted into a muddle that even she didn't have the first idea how to untangle.
Breathing deeply and shaking her head as if it would cause her onerous thoughts to rattle away, Nami let the citrus smell of the mikans calm her. In the wake of the soothing mikans some of those negative feelings slipped to the back of her mind for a time as she rested against the tree with her eyes closed.
Soon another smell mingled with her mikans making her turn round - strawberries and banana with a hint of vanilla and tobacco. Sanji was there behind her with a smoothie. She didn't smile; she wouldn't use a false display with him, not when they were alone.
Sanji inhaled a deep breath of his cigarette letting the smoke rest in his lungs a moment before releasing it. "Rough night?" he asked, his voice low and serious.
"No more than usual," Nami returned accepting the drink and resting back against the tree. "Thank you," she said taking a sip.
With a nod, Sanji said, "Anything for you, Nami-san." In the past at such a statement, he might have twirled around like a lovesick puppy, but tonight he simply sat down beside her and took another drag of his cigarette.
As she leaned back against the tree her eyes traveled up to the crow's nest where the light still burned and the soft clink-clink of metal could still be heard. "Doesn't anyone sleep anymore?" she asked softly.
"Some better than others," Sanji admitted, "Luffy, Usopp and Chopper have no trouble sleeping. Their snores can be quite annoying for those of us who do."
"The others have trouble sleeping?" Nami asked, if only to make conversation.
Sanji just shrugged, "Brook sleeps like the dead, but I suppose that is to be expected. And Franky... well anyone who drinks that much cola is going to keep odd hours. And you can guess where Zoro spends his nights. As for me, some nights I sleep unhindered, others well..." After a pause in which Sanji once more deeply breathed smoke in and out of his lungs, he spoke, "And you Nami-san? How do you sleep these days?"
Sighing, Nami had promised herself that she wouldn't lie to these two. "Not well," she said, "but better. The nightmare has changed slightly. There is less violence and more... comfort at the end."
"Maybe you are healing," Sanji offered softly.
"Doesn't feel like it," Nami said shaking her orange head, "but I do think that as time goes on, the burden becomes... less."
Nodding his blond head, Sanji suggested, "You know Chopper might be able to give you something that helps you sleep."
All Nami did was shrug. "Sometimes..." she trailed off knowing what she was about to say sounded stupid, but needed to get it out anyway. "Sometimes I think I deserve these nightmares for letting that happen to me."
"Nami-san!" Sanji said shocked. He didn't know what to do. If she were any other woman at any other time, he would have pulled her to him and held her. But this wasn't any other woman. This was Nami. Sweet, strong, broken Nami. Holding her was out of the question.
She didn't give him a chance to respond. A dry laugh devoid of any true merriment escaped her lips. "It was my body that caused so much pain for all of us. It was because of my weakness that this plan came into being."
"Stop!" Sanji interrupted. He had a policy against interrupting ladies, but this time he had to make an exception. "Don't blame yourself. How many times have you said to me not to blame Zoro or myself even? Why would we blame you? If anything it's our job to protect you..."
"That's the problem!" Nami said emphatically, a note of exasperation in her voice. "After everything, I still need protecting."
"Nami-san," Sanji used a delicate voice barely above a whisper, "Even if you were the strongest woman alive with the most fearsome weapon, I would insist on protecting you. And I'm willing to bet he would too. It isn't because you are weak that we strive to keep you safe, but because you are important." He took a moment to let his words sink in. "You are strong. You are stronger than so many women I've met not just physically, but emotionally too.
"After all of this, you still have your chin pointed toward tomorrow and you carry on, moving forward. You give us the strength to carry on as well. And protecting you makes us stronger. That is why, no matter how strong you become or how many strong enemies you defeat, we will always be there to protect you." With the conclusion of his speech, Sanji took another drag on his cigarette.
Nami was quite touched by his words and she cradled her head on her knees as she steadied her emotions. "Thank you, Sanji. I needed to hear that."
He nodded curtly at her and said, "What I think you really need to hear is to finish that smoothie. I don't make food so you can waste it, you know?"
Nami did smile then, a small but true smile, and she sipped on the drink he had made for her. They stayed there like that quietly watching night leave the ship until Sanji had to go make breakfast. Then, for a time, Nami watched as the ship's occupants woke up. Zoro climbed down from the crow's nest and headed for the shower. Usopp and Chopper emerged from the men's room already involved in a game of some sort. Brook had his violin out playing a salute to the morning. Robin crept quietly onto the deck cradling a hot cup of tea. Franky, who had been up late working on his latest improvements for Sunny, popped open a cola as he relaxed on deck. The last pirate to emerge was Luffy, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and pushing his straw hat down over his messy black hair.
Squaring her shoulders, Nami stood up. It was time to start another day.
Waves crashed against the side of the boat making Sunny lurch from side to side. Despite the fact that it was only just past noon, the sky was so dark that Nami could barely see her hand in front of her face. The sway of the ship created a hypnotic motion that lulled many crews to a terrible fate-but not this one. Nami shouted directions and read the currents even in the dark with the rain streaming down her face and pouring into her eyes.
At the helm, Franky listened to the shouted directions and steered the ship true to course, no storm could best the Sunny-not even an absurd sort of New World storm such as they were caught in now.
Just a few seconds before the rain turned to hail Nami realized what would happen and she shouted out a new set of directions. In truth, she loved storms. Her time in Weatheria had made it so she felt as if the weather were part of her own being. She could smell the difference in the air between rain and hail; she could feel in her bones when the wind would change and in which direction; and she knew the subtle changes in the swirl of the currents as well as she knew the curves of her own body. No matter what, weather would never fail her.
"Hard to Port!" she shouted just moments before a giant wave crashed up on the right side of their ship.
"Ow! Way to go, Girlie!" Franky shouted glad that they avoided the giant wave.
But Nami was concentrating too much to acknowledge the compliment. "Zoro, behind you!" she called point to the left where she noticed a disturbance in the current that wasn't from the storm at all.
Just as Zoro turned around swords at the ready, a giant Sea King rose up figuring to find an easy meal from the pirate ship caught in the storm. But the beast didn't even have time to sound his mighty hiss before Zoro had sliced him clear down the middle hacking off as big of a piece as they could fit on their deck.
"Wooah!" Luffy cried his arms stretching as he bounced up and down without letting go of the railing. "Sanji! MEAT!"
"I see it!" Sanji called wishing his cigarette could stay lit in the rain. All men needed their vices. "Nice one, Nami-swaaaan!"
"Hey! I'm the one who sliced that thing up curly-brow!" the swordsman shouted.
"Yeah and if Nami hadn't spotted it you would have been its meal instead, you shitty marimo. Pity!" Sanji shouted. Zoro didn't often need acknowledgement for his accomplishments, but he was finding any excuse to fight with Sanji these days. And Sanji had noticed that Zoro didn't defend as well as he was able when they fought. The cook was getting a bit sick of it really. Fighting was no fun when your opponent wanted to get hurt. If the shitty swordsman wanted to get beat up, he'd need to pick a fight elsewhere. He wouldn't risk Nami thinking he'd taken his anger out on the other man- not after last time. He and Nami were getting along so well now.
"Shut it you two! I need to hear something!" the woman in question shouted at her two idiotic friends. Listening as hard as her human ears possibly could and looking at the shift in the water on the surface, she made her decision. "Franky! Face us completely starboard! Sanji, Zoro let down the sails."
"In this storm?" Chopper asked nervously clinging to the rail as Nami had instructed all the devil fruit users to do, "We'll be tossed about like a beach ball!"
"Trust me!" Nami shouted at the reindeer, knowing the two she'd given the orders to were already following them. They knew better than to question her judgment.
The sails were down just as the ship finished its rotation, and Nami shouted, "Everyone HOLD ON!"
No sooner had she said it than a violent gust of wind came up from behind them catching the sails and propelling them forward with as much force as a Coup de Burst and carrying them easily out of the storm's wake.
Even as they were air bound, Franky let go of the helm to pose and shout "SUUPPER!" Of course, Robin noticed the rotating helm and made an extra pair of arms bloom out of Franky's broad chest to steady the wheel, least they start spinning upon their landing.
The Sunny fell down again to the sea bobbing up and down for a moment before stabilizing out under the clearing sky.
"Alright Sunny!" Luffy shouted.
"Woooooow! Nami-swaaaaaaaaaaan! That was amazing!" Sanji shouted spinning around slightly on the wet deck, "Our Navigator is as talented as she is beautiful!" Though he'd left off saying such things when they were alone, he felt that in front of the crew it was important to keep his normal actions.
Nami sank down onto the deck soaked to the bone and exhausted, but with conviction in her purpose. As long as she continued to be useful and necessary, she couldn't view herself as useless no matter how hard she tried. A towel fell down over her torso and Nami looked up just in time to see a delicate pair of arms disappear into a burst of petals. "Thanks, Robin," she said tiredly.
Across the ship, Robin nodded; her arms were still crossed as she passed out towels to the rest of the crew.
Luffy, towel slung around his shoulders, bounded up in front of Nami and slapped two hands on her shoulders and with a grin that seemed much too large for his face said, "You were great, Nami!"
Eyes wide, Nami froze at the wave of shock that rushed through her. At the same time that her brain argued that this was LUFFY and there was no reason to be afraid, Nami's body wanted to start violently and rush away. She only just managed to sit stock still, though she couldn't keep the look of alarm from her face.
And before Luffy's hands had even been resting on Nami's shoulders a second, Zoro had caught the captain with one arm around Luffy's strong but slender shoulders pulling the younger man to his feet and walking away from Nami. "Well, Captain. You never said what we should do with this Sea King meat. Stew? Roast? Barbeque? You'd better tell that shitty cook what to do before he does something stupid with it!"
Luffy cast one befuddled look back at Nami before shifting his gaze to the giant slab of meat on Sunny's deck. "Hmm... I think barbecue tonight! Can we do that, Sanji?"
With a towel still draped around his shoulders Sanji was already on deck with a knife in each hand and a fresh dry cigarette in his mouth. "Excellent idea, Captain. Just let me get it all cooked before you try to eat it!"
With Luffy thus occupied, Chopper approached Nami on his small hooves standing back a bit and not looking directly into her eyes. He spoke softly and Nami thought it strange that he would approach her like a wounded animal. "Nami," his tiny voice started, "You should go relax for a bit. Maybe warm up with a shower and then get dry. You worked really hard."
Nodding, Nami wondered if Chopper had noticed she was looking a little frailer than normal, but she just said, "Thanks, Chopper. I think I will."
It was after Nami had showered and dressed in dry clothing that she ran across an interesting conversation. Luffy and Usopp were a deck below her, but she could hear their conversation clear as day and even see them if she crouched down- so she did.
Usopp was holding a fishing rod, but he was looking at Luffy instead of out to sea. "What did I say about touching Nami?"
Luffy let go of his fishing rod with one hand to scratch the black hair beneath his straw hat as he thought. "Not to?" he asked confused.
"Exactly!" Usopp told him looking back out over his rod.
Luffy pouted for a moment at his friend before saying, "But Usopp, I don't get it! Nami never had a problem with us touching her before. She was always affectionate." Then rubbing the top of his head, he said, "And forceful."
This made Usopp laugh, "You can't tell me you miss her knocking your head when you act stupidly."
With a sigh, Luffy rested his chin on his hands on the railing. "I never thought I would."
Usopp slapped a hand on the other man's shoulder. "Cheer up, Luffy. I'm sure it will pass. Just give her time. Meanwhile, I can get Zoro or Sanji to hit you if you like," he offered.
"Shi shi shi," laughed Luffy. "Don't bother. It wouldn't be the same." After a moment, the captain added, "But what happened? Why can't we touch Nami any more?"
Nami noticed the moment of hesitation in which Usopp decided whether to lie or tell the truth. In the end he sighed and said, "Remember on that island when Nami got really beat up?" Luffy nodded slowly with a pained expression so Usopp continued, "It's because of that. She got beaten up so badly that she doesn't want to be touched anymore. I asked Chopper and he said it has something to do with shock. He said she'd come out of it eventually, but we need to give her space."
Luffy pushed the straw hat lower down over his eyes and Nami could feel the anger radiating off of him. "If I ever see the man who hurt Nami, I'm going to beat him up so badly that he won't ever get over the shock of it."
"Luffy?" Usopp said clearly startled. And Nami had to put her hand over her mouth to keep from making a noise at his declaration. "But Luffy," Usopp was saying, "We already beat those pirates up really badly."
Luffy shook his head vehemently; "There was someone else on that island that night, a very bad man. I'd met him once before. He does very bad things to people- to nakama. If I ever see him again, he's going to need a new wanted poster since he won't look the same when I'm through with him."
That was all of the conversation Nami could stand to hear, she turned and fled. For a time, she forgot that with haki Luffy could single out every individual on an island and it was easy for him to identify anyone he'd met before just by reading the haki. She didn't know whether to be glad that her friends knew she was hurt or whether she was frightened by it. But there was one thing she did know: once Luffy had set his sights on an enemy that person didn't stand a chance. To think that even her idiot Captain probably guessed more than anyone else as to what happened, well it was a little absurd. But to know Luffy was set against her aggressor too was comforting.
The new knowledge washed over Nami making her realize that she'd been so focused on her own inner workings that she didn't even notice the changes in the friends around her. Usopp had given her a wide birth and Chopper approached her cautiously and often told her things she should do to take care of herself. Franky hadn't changed his attitude toward her much, but he had never been very hands-on with her in the first place. Thinking now, Nami couldn't remember the last time Brook had made a comment about her panties and Robin was always there strong and silent when Nami needed a friend to support her. Luffy was Luffy as loud and as resilient as ever, but maybe he thought what Nami needed now was to get back to her old self. Tears began to prick her eyes, but these were not the sorrowful tears she'd cried that last couple months, but tears of appreciation for her friends. What they knew and what they assumed, she couldn't guess, but she was grateful to have them there for her.
She let the tears roll silently down her cheeks as she walked away from the conversation she'd been eavesdropping on and almost straight into Zoro stopping only just short of colliding into his chest. He must have taken his sopping shirt off some time ago and had a towel slung around bare shoulders to replace it. The instant he noticed the tears on Nami's cheeks the atmosphere around him changed almost becoming electrically charged. He didn't say anything, merely stared at her with his one good eye; Nami often felt paralyzed under the intensity of that gaze and wondered how it would have been if he had two eyes. Perhaps he had learned more than just swordplay from that Hawk-Eyed man-namely how to pierce someone with his gaze.
The charge was so intense between the two that Nami used her wrist to dash the tears from her cheeks as if they were at fault for everything. Then shaking her head she smiled softly and explained, "These tears aren't bad. I... I just realized how much I have that I can really count on."
Somehow Nami knew that Zoro wanted to help her but didn't know how. When she cried like this, or when he came across her at night after she'd had her nightmare, he always stood there awkwardly looking at her like he had no idea what to do. Nami had decided to take what comfort she could from his stoic gaze knowing that he most of all felt the strain that was between them. She trusted him still and he knew it, but it seemed like after everything he didn't trust himself around her. They stood there for another tense moment staring at each other while the afternoon sun sunk lower in the sky casting long shadows across the deck. Suddenly, seized by who knows what, Nami took a step forward saying, "Zoro I..."
But Zoro looked at Nami, with the sun caught in her orange hair it seemed she had a glowing haze around her radiant head and Zoro was again reminded of the dark taint his body had caused on this brilliant creature. Involuntarily, he took a step backward and the motion stood for itself. Nami's face fell and Zoro looked away so he didn't have to see the crestfallen look there. Finally after swallowing, he spoke. "I think... dinner is almost ready and that shitty cook mentioned something about making you a smoothie first. You should probably be off to the kitchen."
With that he turned and left. He was good at protecting her and good at guarding her when Sanji was around, but the moment the two of them were alone together he closed up. Well he wasn't very open the other times, but his presence was easier. There was something comforting just being around him, but that feeling seemed to rush away the moment they were on their own. Sighing, Nami decided to follow his advice and see what Sanji had made for her so she headed to the kitchen.
There was a stool set next to the kitchen counter and in front of it rested a blue smoothie with a green umbrella. Nami sidled into the stool and took a sip of the cold beverage, "Blueberry, pomegranate," she said appreciatively.
Nodding Sanji said, "I thought I might see you before dinner time. Is there anything else I can get for you?" Nami declined, but Sanji stuck a plate of crackers in front of her anyhow. "They are easy on the stomach," he replied to her questioning brow.
Sanji narrated what he was doing with the Sea King he was cooking perhaps to have something to say or perhaps because he really enjoyed what he did. They had passed many afternoons in a similar manner since that night on the island. Nami was always glad for the chance to talk things through with the man. Eventually Nami cut him off and spoke what was on her mind. "Has Zoro ever talked to you about what he's been going through?" Sanji straightened up and was silent for a minute so Nami added, "I mean, you and I, we talk like this. And we do it often enough that I know how you think and what you felt. And you know about what I've been through. But Zoro hardly talks to me at all. He does a bit when you are around, but never just to me. I can't even fathom what he is thinking."
Taking a long breath, Sanji started to explain, "He hasn't said anything to me, Nami-san. I thought if he talked to anybody it would be to you. But I will tell you what I have noticed. He picks fights more often- if that is even possible and leaves himself open for attacks. I've have to really control myself around him because I realized he wants me to kick him. If he wants to hurt so badly, I'd assume he's got plenty going on inside that he's keeping to himself. He was already reckless when he fights enemies and now he'd doubly so. Beyond that, I don't know."
Nami nodded glad for the information but not knowing what to do with it. That man was a bigger mystery to her now than he was when they'd first met. She tried to focus as Sanji said, "Ah! Now here comes the interesting part Nami-san. Just watch how I get the best flavor out of the meat!" In truth, her mind was elsewhere.
That night her dream came unbidden, as it always did. On the cold stone floor she writhed and turned but she was powerless even to scream. He body twitched and ached. Pain flooded her from every angle. Her arms and legs felt as though they were bound, though nothing visible held them there. Cruel hands slapped her and beat her. She could taste blood in her mouth where the impact of the blow had cut her cheek on her teeth. Tears stained her face as a laughing manic voice called out, "I think she likes it! Let's see what else the little whore enjoys!" The laughter was painful in her ears.
The mouth that descended on her breasts was too rough. It bit heartlessly into her flesh causing traces of blood to surface on her milky white flesh. Nami cried out, but she was a prisoner in her own body powerless to stop it. The vicious mouth trailed down her side to her stomach biting as it went and cold pointed hands replaced the mouth on her breast. Those malicious fingers twisted and pulled at her nipples until she was sure they'd tear right off. They pinched and pulled while the mouth bit the inner corner of her hip. She cried out in pain, her hands dying to push the beast off of her, her legs whish they could kick the monster away.
But the brutality continued. He continued biting and sucking his way down her leg leaving nasty purple bruises in his wake. The worse was the one on her inner thigh where he almost bit through the skin. Then the mouth rose slightly- god she hated that mouth- and the voice said, "Let's see how the bitch taste!"
Then those large too-white teeth sunk into the flesh at her very core biting down mercilessly and grinding her sensitive flesh between them. Nami shrieked in pain her voice begging desperately for it to stop! But the twisted man heard what he wanted to, "More! The cunt says she wants more! Well then I won't disappoint!"
Suddenly all his clothes were gone and without so much as a warning he thrust into her- his cock cutting through her like a knife stabbing its way through her insides. Blood seeped from her entrance as he relentlessly impaled her over and over. When she protested too loudly, he'd smack her across the face with the back of his hand. Fingernails dug into her shoulders and tore at her skin. Every so often, he would send a great punch to her side or abdomen to make her muscles contract- it caused her core muscles to clench down around his member giving him more pleasure which he greedily took at her expense. He used her until her body was in ruins and she felt that there was no vessel left to house her spirit. She would merely fade away into obscurity and endless pain. Finally he spilled himself; his semen burned her as sure as it was made from a toxin of evil itself. And all the while he laughed. And laughed.
Nami looked up into his large vicious grin and his hate-filled eyes and screamed.
The man laughed more as he left, and the feeling and motion returned to Nami's arms and legs. Her body was bruised and bleeding. Though she could now move, any slight motion caused her too much pain, so she curled in on her self, limp as a rag doll, as the sick feeling snuck into her stomach. The last thing she remembered before waking up was a pair of arms as gentle as the others were cruel encircling her and pulling against something warm and a softer deep voice whispering a hushing sound.
Nami sat up with a start and rushed from her bed straight to the bathroom noting that it was quarter past three as she went. It was always quarter past three. The contents of her stomach were heaved up and even then she still felt too heavy. It was a long time before her breathing returned to normal and while she sat on the cold bathroom floor, she looked down at her unmarred limbs. The physical evidence of that night had long since faded away, but her mind couldn't stop dwelling on the incident. And it twisted the night to make it worse, always worse, than it had been. Doflamingo had been able to make Zoro bite her once on the breast, but that was the extent of the biting. As Zoro was still able to talk, Nami assumed that the mouth was a weak point in the puppet master's control- either that or Doflamingo liked to hear how his victims regretted what was happening to them. Either way, the biting in her dream was clearly one way her head was trying to process every that had happened. Nami didn't understand all the tricks of her subconscious mind, but sometimes she felt that was the only part of her mind that knew how to categorize what happened. And she knew of everything it was Doflamingo's depraved smile she remembered most vividly.
At some point she had become certain too that if she could only stop the dream, she could better get past everything that had happened. Her daytime behavior had become almost normal. The busy days on the pirate ship kept her from dwelling on it all consciously. It was simply this subconscious existence that was yet to accept and move forward. Almost as if it were waiting for someone to fix something before it would let Nami stop reliving her horrors. With a shiver, Nami pushed herself up from the bathroom floor. Enough of this; if she couldn't sleep, at least she could lay down in her bed until morning came.
But her bed would have to wait, since upon opening the bathroom door she stood face to face with the green-haired swordsman. It no longer surprised her to run into him like this; she knew he slept about as well as she did these days and from his place in the crow's nest he would easily see her bolt from her room every night. Some nights he came down, other nights he didn't- Nami didn't rightly know which she preferred. He seemed to be checking-up on her so she said, "I'm fine, just the dream again."
Zoro nodded. Looking at her now awash in the moonlight she seemed an entirely different creature than the one he saw on deck that afternoon. The silvery light illuminated her pale skin giving it a drawn and almost sickly look and accenting the hollow bags under her eyes and the shadows on her face were her cheeks had sunken in slightly. The pallor of her skin did her no favors and no credit, but at least the ugly purple blemishes that had stained her smooth skin had faded- those had been hardest for him to look at. Even her sweat soaked hair seemed to have lost its luster as it clung limply to her back. The delicate white neck that stuck out from her oversized black sleep shirt seemed too frail and the baggy quality of her sleepwear accented the fact that she was too thin.
In the daylight she had seemed so together and Zoro had felt that he was the problem- he was the one who was ruining them and holding them back. Yet in the cold light of the moon she looked so forlorn and so lost that Zoro wondered if she too needed help finding her way out of this lurid nightmare. Perhaps together they could end the visions that plagued them both- but he would never tell her of the pain he held within.
Yet before he even realized what he was doing his hand, as if it had a mind independent from his own, had reached out and cupped her cheek. The soft skin was still just the slightest bit damp and a warmth spread up through Zoro's arm at the contact. Just when the swordsman realized what a stupid action he had just preformed, Nami responded in a way that completely astounded him and stopped him from snapping his hand back as he intended.
In a delicate move that seemed almost involuntary itself, Nami closed her eyes and leaned her cheek into his palm. Zoro's heart pounded heavily against his ribs trying to think of what this could mean. Every time the last two months anyone had gotten near Nami she had jerked away, yet she allowed this. What had he meant to do by reaching out to caress her face? What did he do? And whatever did her response mean?
Before he had time to figure it all out, he slowly took his hand away and watched as Nami's large amber eyes opened and fixed him with a look that said she was clearly just as confused as he was. Wondering if the same strange bemused expression appeared on his own features, Zoro schooled his face into a stern look that wouldn't betray his inner thoughts. "Try to get some sleep," he offered Nami as he turned and headed for the ropes to climb the ladder to the crow's nest.
For a long time, Nami merely stood there with her hand to her cheek where Zoro's hand had just been while she pondered over the warm feeling it had left there. Her eyes traced his long assent to the crow's nest and wondered why his touch had not spurned her the way the others' had. Maybe because he had shared her pain that night and her body hid no secrets from him? Maybe because of everyone aboard the Thousand Sunny, he was the only one as lost as she was? Nami wondered at the reason as she climbed back into her bed and spent so much effort thinking about it that all thoughts of Doflamingo escaped her mind. When she slipped into a light sleep in the hour or so before dawn, it was thankfully dreamless and filled instead by that strange warmth that had entered her when Zoro's hand pressed itself to her cheek.
Bell-mere quote from manga chapter 79 pg 5. Sorry I quoted a translation, so I left it as it appeared.
Sorry this took so long to get up! My Once Upon a Time chapter was double the length I expected it to be and then I got sick to boot!
I know Nami's thoughts are a little confused right now, but she will pull them together more as the story progresses. She counters her own logic sometimes because she is still trying to figure out exactly what to feel and how to make herself whole again. And of course even without spelling everything out for the crew they would know something was up. Next chapter will be up much faster promise!