Disclaimer: no, not mine.
Warning: this one is pretty tame, but as always we allude to heavy stuff.
Sympathy, Tenderness
The small touch Zoro had placed on Nami's cheek had stirred something within her. For the next three nights whenever her nightmares woke her and made her mad rush to the bathroom to lose her meager dinner, she would sit on the floor of the restroom with her hand pressed to her face just where Zoro's had been. It was alarming how vividly she could remember those few seconds with the feel of his course hand resting sympathetically upon cheek. The memory calmed her and she was able to pull herself out of the dark place the nightmares sent her. Unfortunately not once in those three nights did Zoro come down to check on her. He made himself scarce during the day as well. Nami felt the loss of his presence like a keen sting, and wondered if Zoro was embarrassed himself at having reached out to her.
Thinking that might be the case, Nami tried her best to ignore the small act of comfort. In those three days she didn't mention it and she made sure not to change anything in her few daily interactions with the swordsman. But her awareness of the green-haired man had been heightened and without realizing it, she had started watching him. She watched as he lay on the deck with his hands behind his head, eyes closed but not sleeping; she watched as he disappeared at least five times a day to the gym to train; she watched as he ate enough to sustain his body in training, but didn't grab the food eagerly while joking the way he used to. It was then she noticed that even though he never looked sullen or put out, she hadn't heard his loud barking laugh in some time. Only after noticing it, did Nami realize she missed the sound.
By the end of that third day, Nami was certain that Zoro was hiding his pain even more effectively as she was. When she returned to her bed after being sick, instead of thinking about the nightmare, she thought about Zoro and tried to understand how he was feeling. He wouldn't talk to her alone like Sanji did and yet he always seemed to be right there when she needed him. How one man could manage to be so close to and yet so far from Nami at the same time was perplexing. Deciding that sleep wasn't going to come, the navigator got up and dressed quietly before slipping out to the deck.
Laying down on the grass deck beneath the soft clink-clink of Zoro's training up in the crow's nest, Nami closed her eyes and tried to focus on everything that wasn't her. The grass tickled the back of her arms and her neck, and depending on how she moved it could be soft or stiff beneath her. Above her, a cool breeze whirled over the still deck caressing her with the softest ghost touches. The ship itself bobbed up and down in the water, rocking with the rhythm of the very earth itself. And in the night no birds cawed but if you listened very closely, you could hear the soft beating of the paper thin wings of the insects that ruled the night. A moth that had stowed aboard their ship swooped down toward the grass before flying back up and landing with its wings stretched against the mast.
These things- grass, wind, waves, life- were constants. They sufficed to remind Nami of everything that was real and everything that was true. These were the things that remained no matter how much she hurt and no matter how deep her struggle.
There were soft footfalls depressing the grass that moved in her direction, and mixed in with the salty smell of the ocean air the scent of seafood and smoke came toward her. "Sanji," Nami said, exhaling his name breathily without even opening her eyes.
"Naturally, my lady," the man said as he sat beside her on the deck noticing her closed eyes, "how did you know?"
"Your smell," she said finally opening her eyes just in time to notice the scandalized look on Sanji's face and she quickly corrected herself. "Not that you smell! Or at least not badly anyhow. It's just a scent that belongs solely to you. Like seafood and tobacco. I only noticed it recently, but it's there. I suppose it's how Chopper notices all of us. It's not an insult, I promise!"
Sanji looked at her skeptically, but decided to let it go after hearing her explanation. Instead of arguing, he took another drag of his cigarette and laughed. "As long as I don't smell like that shitty marimo."
Nami breathed out a small, "Heh," which was as closed to a laugh as she was getting. Zoro often smelled of steel, but somehow she didn't think Sanji would appreciate that tidbit. Before she could think of a proper response, a small yawn escaped her.
The yawn didn't go unnoticed. "Nami-san, why don't you rest. Go back to your bed. Or if you prefer to stay out here, I can watch over you while you sleep."
"No, that's alright Sanji-kun," Nami said gently. "I am tired but I couldn't actually sleep, I've already tried."
With another drag of his cigarette, Sanji laid back on the grass beside her. "I believe I know exactly what you mean." For a moment they just laid there looking up at the star-filled early morning sky in silence, but after a long while Sanji laughed a dry ironic laugh.
"What?" Nami said turning her head and looking at him curiously.
After another drag, Sanji, without taking his eyes off the sky, mused, "I used to imagine what it would be like to lay next to you in the grass watching the stars. I never imagined it would feel so..."
"Strained?" Nami offered.
"Something like that," he did look at her then, "That seems almost like another lifetime now."
The moment hung suspended between them and Nami wondered just for a moment if she would have liked that before everything happened. She remembered the other night how good Zoro's hand had felt on her cheek and she wondered if she might be able to stand Sanji's touch since he had been there that night too. Tentatively, and so slowly that she might not have been moving at all, she slid her hand across the grass to rest next to Sanji's hand.
It was a small gesture, but one that Sanji noted with the greatest importance. He knew that this moment between them that would define the shape of their relationship to come. At her small movement, Sanji felt his heart thumping wildly in his chest and his pulse racing through his veins. In his twenty-one years, he'd had his fair share of women. Yet even in the throes of passion he had never once felt the way he felt now at just the prospect of reaching out and touching Nami's hand. His fingers twitched in her direction, his hand itching to reach out and brush against the skin of her own soft hands. He wanted so badly to touch her and to comfort her. At the same time, his heart ached with the need not to mess this up. Just as slowly as Nami had moved her hand toward his, Sanji stretched his fingers and moved them gently over the back of her hand. He held his breath while he waited for her reaction and wondered if this was it- if she would let him in and let him comfort her.
Nami wanted so much to seek comfort from her friend and she wanted to want the feeling of his fingers brushing over her hand. In fact she wanted the comfort so badly, that she gritted her teeth and allowed it as his fingers moved over to her palm until he was holding her hand. She tried her hardest to like it- even told her self it was a matter of getting used to the touch- but her heart was beating erratically and her head was swimming with a dizzy sensation. It was three seconds before Nami pulled her hand back and tried to maintain control of her breathing. "Sorry," she said quietly her hands clasped together over her chest.
"No, Nami-san. Don't be sorry," Sanji said looking back up at the sky. "I shouldn't have pushed you."
"No," Nami shook her head in the grass, "I wanted to see if I minded it. I thought I would be okay"
And despite the ache inside him at not being able to comfort her, Sanji looked at her and smiled. "One day you will, Nami-san. One day everything will be sorted out and merely a remnant of the past. You'll be back to your old self and feel fine. But until then, don't ask too much of yourself. Give yourself time and let yourself heal. Until that time, I will stand beside you waiting for the day when your smile comes easily and you can laugh freely again."
Looking into his sincere eyes, Nami smiled meekly. "Thank you, Sanji-kun." A pang stabbed at her when she noticed the hurt expression concealed behind his soft blue eyes. Sanji had been so supportive and so good to her; it would be so easy if she could let herself feel comfort from him. But something about it didn't feel right; she couldn't even force it. "I am sorry."
Then Sanji released a smoke filled breath and shook his head. "Don't worry about me Nami-san. You just concentrate on feeling better. And know that I am always here for you."
Nami nodded and looked back up toward the sky. So many stars glittered above her in the vast expanse of sky that reached out to rest upon the dark sea. And she was just one girl- one shaken, confused girl- carrying on in the face of their eternity. Even when her life and her suffering were over, the stars and the sea would still be here. It made her own pain seem so much more inconsequential and insignificant.
Above her, the clink-clink of Zoro's weights started up once more and Nami could feel that now-familiar spot on her cheek tingle as her attention was drawn to the crow's nest. Again, Sanji weighted out the dark hours with her silently only getting up to leave just before the crew of the Thousand Sunny would rise to start their day.
Nami didn't realize that her eyes had drifted shut in the dim dawn light until a foot caught on her side and something went tumbling over her stomach with a great "Ooof!" Bleary-eyed, Nami sat up confused grabbing her smarting ribs and found herself facing the backside of Luffy.
The Captain had actually woken up early today and was sneaking to the kitchen when he had tripped over Nami and landed face first on the deck with his knees bucked beneath forcing his rear end straight up into the air. He was now a bit dazed as he pushed himself up off the deck so that his rump was no longer in the air. When Luffy turned around to see what tripped him and ended up facing Nami a slightly panicked look came to his large eyes. As soon as she saw it, Nami realized that he must have been thinking about Usopp's words the other day and wondering if he was going to get chewed out for touching Nami again. Well, this time had been an accident and Nami wasn't aware of the incident until it was over anyhow.
"It's alright Luffy," Nami said putting on a smile. "I'm fine. It's my fault for falling asleep on the deck."
"Shi shi shi," Luffy laughed with a large grin. "It is a funny place to fall asleep. For you at least. Maybe if you were Zoro, it would be normal. But you're not. So it isn't."
As Nami listened to him reason through his who-sleeps-where problem, she couldn't help but smile affectionately at the younger boy. Anyone who met Luffy would think that no darkness had ever touch his life, but those who knew him best understood there was pain in his past as well. But no matter how much darkness he faced, Luffy never let it taint him. Looking into Luffy's goofy grin set in his round face, Nami resolved to be more like him. She wouldn't let her darkness define who she was as a person. Nami was so busy thinking about Luffy's light demeanor, she didn't even notice his face growing serious until he spoke again.
"Hey, Nami?" he asked in the gentlest voice he was capable of.
The tone definitely had her attention. "Yes, Luffy?"
"You know that if you ever need me to beat someone up, all you have to do is say it right? You don't even have to tell me why." The look on his face was so earnest that Nami knew Luffy would comb the ocean looking for that bastard if only Nami said the word.
"I know, Captain." Nami gave him a soft smile and nodded. Luffy would do anything for his friends, it was one of the reasons she loved Luffy so dearly, why they all did. Of course that love meant they would do anything for him as well.
Luffy gave a short nod and pushed himself up off the floor and noticing something interesting across the deck, he ran off shouting, "Hey, Zoro!"
Nami sighed. She had so much support. She wanted to feel okay. It was just a matter of reconciling everything in her head with the mess in her heart. If only the facts would line up with the feelings, she would be able to make some progress.
She didn't have much time to dwell on it during the day though as they were only a few days from the next island. The closer to an island they got, the stranger the weather acted. This of course meant that Nami was busy constantly until they dropped anchor at night. By the time she went to her bed, she was exhausted. But sleep still teased and eluded her.
Going to bed bone weary and waking a few hours later from a nightmare every night was grueling. Nami was more than tired of the whole routine. When she finally pushed herself up off the floor two evening later and looked in the mirror, she was stunned at how red the whites of her eyes were looking.
Nami wasn't the only one who was confused by the interaction between them. It would be a lie to say Zoro didn't watch at night to see when she would emerge running to the bathroom. A few times he had even watched her sitting on the deck with Sanji. He supposed that he should be glad that she had the other man to talk to, but something in him hated to see them sitting there so comfortably. Naturally, this was just due to the friction of his relationship with Sanji-or so he told himself. It had nothing to with the fact that Zoro wanted to be the one comforting her, but he couldn't. Zoro had hurt her, so Sanji would heal her wounds. In a way it made sense. He could be nothing but the monster that hurt her.
Sometimes, when the swordsman did fall asleep for a time, he dreamt of showing her that his hands could be kind- that they could touch her lightly and make her want to be touched. That he could reach out to her and she could melt into his touch. That the very sight of him wouldn't make her want to run and scream. The other evening when he touched her cheek was just a cruel reminder of what could never be, because in his head, Zoro knew he needed to let the idea of her go so she could move on. Send her into Sanji's arms- that was where she'd be safe. And if he hated the other man more for it, he would just deal with that in his own way. Zoro could make sure no one else hurt her, but he wouldn't be the one to make her feel good again. The self-hatred he felt knew no bounds.
Five nights had gone by since Zoro had brazenly lifted his hand to caress Nami's cheek and yet he could still feel the softness of her skin under his fingertips. He could still see the pale light reflecting off her damp hair. He could still imagine what it would have felt like to pull her to his chest and seek the forgiveness he so desperately craved.
But Zoro wouldn't be able to comfort her and he had probably shaken what little trust she had left in him by his idiotic behavior the other night. And he had no one to blame but himself. After all, he didn't deserve her forgiveness. Zoro turned away from the window and lost himself to his training and to his dark thoughts.
He pushed himself too far, until every muscle in his body ached and trembled with overuse. The fact that he had been too weak to stop the attack haunted him. Frustration built inside of him and he took it out on his weights. When his weights wouldn't suffice, he took it out on himself.
It was when Nami left the bathroom that fifth night that she again saw the light in the crow's nest and noticed a strange noise. There was no clink-clink of metal weights like she usually heard, but instead there was a dull thwacking sound of an impact, as if something was being hit too hard. It only took Nami a second to decide to climb up and see what was going on.
What she found upon climbing up the ladder surprised her. Across the room, Zoro was facing the metal wall and punching it over and over with his fist, taking his anger and resentment out on the wall. Blood was streaming down from his knuckles soaking both his hand and the wall. With every hit the muscles of his bare back shuddered and his mouth released a strained sound that seemed more like frustration than an acknowledgement of pain. He was so intent in his focus that he didn't even hear her come in. She had to shout his name to get him to stop.
Zoro turned around. His eye slowly fixed on her and he swallowed twice before choking out, "Nami?" Maybe it was because she had disrupted his focus, but he stood before her now, not the guarded controlled man she saw on deck each day but as a man whose layers had been stripped back and exposed. This was Zoro behind the strong mask he wore every day and it made Nami feel better to know she wasn't the only one who concealed the depths of her feelings. There was a strange pull in her chest as she noticed her own pain reflected in his eyes.
Taking in the bleeding fist, Nami felt tears sting her eyes, but she refused to shed them. She had noticed them these past months- the bandages that seemed to appear on Zoro out of nowhere even when they hadn't run into enemies. Maybe, she had thought, he had been more reckless and been fighting without her knowledge- Sanji had pretty much confirmed this before. But she realized that wasn't entirely the case. More than likely some of those wounds- like this one- were self-inflicted. "Oh, Zoro," she said sadly, trying to grasp the extent of the situation. "What are you doing?"
He didn't look at her. Instead he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his hand. "I didn't mean for you to see that," he stated simply as he turned away from her.
Shaking her head, Nami tried to make sense of it. Did he blame himself? Still? After all this time? After she told him over and over that it wasn't his fault? "Why?" she asked more firmly this time.
The swordsman would still not look at her, and when he spoke his voice was as cold and detached as the steel edge of his swords, "It was my fault. I couldn't control myself and you got hurt."
"It wasn't you who hurt me, Zoro!" Nami insisted a bit flustered, but her words were lost on the big man.
"Really?" Zoro finally looked are her with an angry expression full of self-hatred his gruff voice shaking as he spoke. "Because I can still remember every bruise and cut that was on your body! I remember these hands putting them there! I would cut them off if I didn't need them to fight! This" he said waving his bleeding fist, "is nothing compared to what I did to you!" Zoro collapsed on the bench behind him with his head resting in the hand that wasn't bleeding. He wasn't prone to outburst, but there was only so much a man could take without getting proper sleep. When he spoke again it was in a voice scarcely louder than a whisper. "He used me and I hurt you. What kind of a man does that make me?"
The shock of his words washed over her and Nami hardly knew what to say. But it was obvious the man was hurting as much as he had that first night it happened. He was hurting as much as Nami had been hurting this whole time. Why was it that Nami's pain was lessening, but Zoro was still stuck in his own guilt and suffering? It didn't make sense to her. Didn't he have anyone to support him the way they supported her? The actions of Zoro and Sanji had shown her that she would always be able to rely on her nakama. Well, maybe it was time to show one of her nakama that he'd always be able to rely on her.
The stash of bandages Zoro had stolen form Chopper's sick bay were visible in his still-opened locker and Nami went to retrieve them. She pulled out some antiseptic and a healing ointment as well and made her way back over to sit next to Zoro. Her hands were shaking slightly as she reached out for Zoro's toweled fist and brought it into her lap. Opening the towel, Nami began to clean his wound saying, "Here, let me help."
The gesture wasn't lost on Zoro; he, more than anyone, knew that she had avoided all skin contact since the incident barring his mishap the other night. She didn't look at him, as she was a little hesitant to show her nervousness. But her nimble fingers trailed over his arm while she used the towel to wipe off the excess blood from his hand. The antiseptic spray stung, but she immediately covered the wound with the cool ointment. It was during the bandaging process that Nami touched his hand the most. As she wound the bandage around his hand she wondered exactly why she had still been afraid of little contact like this. A simple touch didn't have to hurt or disarm. It could be used just as easily to heal. She hadn't quite remembered that until it was her hands doing the healing. For a moment she wondered what it was that made her ready to reach out and touch Zoro, but instead of analyzing what she couldn't hope to understand at the moment, Nami merely accepted it.
Once the bandage was fastened, instead of taking her hands away Nami held his large hand between her own trembling palms and looked boldly up into his face. "I don't like to see you hurt yourself, Zoro. Or to be too careless when you're fighting," the orange haired woman whispered sincerely and gave his hand a little squeeze. Then, maybe since the mood was feeling a little too heavy, she added seriously, "The first bandage I put on for free, but if I have to tend to you again it will be ten thousand beli each time!" Then she let go with one hand to wag a finger at her friend, "And don't think I won't charge you if I even notice the bandages also!"
The corner of Zoro's lips twitched ever so slightly and Nami felt herself with a small smile in return. She slowly brought the hand she was using to reprimand the swordsman back to their joined hands in her lap, and she lowered her eyes demurely. Zoro's hand was warm and strong in her own and even though it had been two months since Nami had accepted such contact, she couldn't bring herself to let go yet. Two months was a long time to go without the simplest human contact. Only after accepting the small contact between then did Nami know how isolated she'd felt since the incident.
Despite the fact that all their one-on-one interactions lately had been colored by awkward reserve, there was something different between them tonight. Perhaps it was a need for truth. For the first time in those two months they didn't have to conceal themselves behind a persona or hide from the facts. After seeing Zoro's display, Nami had resolved to be honest and it seemed instead of retreating back into his stoic shell, Zoro would too.
The swordsman was actually at a loss for words. For so long, Nami had shied away from any sort of contact even for the briefest moment. When people approached her too quickly, she jumped back as if frightened. And now here she was not only bandaging up the monster who had hurt her, but holding his hand as well. Confused, he looked at her and at length asked, "How can you bear to touch me? You won't touch anyone. You have nightmares every night about my cruelty, and yet I am the first person you willingly touch?" His analytical mind couldn't make sense of the jumble of information all at once. Something didn't add up, still he didn't even consider it might be his own perceptions.
Looking up at him, Nami wore a bemused expression, "I've never had a nightmare about you, Zoro." Her thin eyebrows were drawn together and there was a slight tightness about her lips as if they couldn't quite decide in which expression to settle. All the while, her eyes searched him imploringly.
This statement caught him by surprise and the swordsman lowered his eyebrows as his face grew stern. Would she lie to him now? They were sitting together openly for the first time in months, and she was putting him on? The idea angered him, but ever cool-headed his jaw twitched slightly and he asked tersely, "What the hell do you mean? Every night you wake up, run to the bathroom and vomit- I hear you! I see it from up here. You said you had nightmares. You admitted they were about that night. Don't deny it now! What do you mean by saying you've never had a nightmare about me?"
Nami squeezed his hand again, this time because she needed support for herself. Even though she had thoroughly confused him now, she could feel his fingers instinctively tighten around hers. It gave her strength. She had never yet voiced the actual content of her dreams, but maybe doing so would help her get past them. "I mean exactly what I said. In my nightmares, it's never been you. It's him I see. It's Doflamingo climbing on top of me, his twisted hands tearing at my skin and his voice hissing in my ear!" Her voice broke, but still she went on, "Of course, I can't even move to get away from him, so I have to endure it over and over again!" While Nami spoke her shoulders heaved up and down as if she were sobbing, and yet her eyes remained dry. "Just the sight of his face terrifies me! He's the one that hurts me over and over in my nightmares. Most of the time I wake up in the middle of the dream still trying to scream. On the nights..."
Nami paused and looked at Zoro wondering if she should voice this last part, but he was looking at her so intently there was no way she could stop now. And she had resolved to be honest with him in tonight. "The only time you've been in my dream are on the nights the dream actually progresses further. Doflamingo leaves and you're there helping me up and covering my body. It's your voice that says he's sick and that it doesn't make me less of a person. Just like you did when it happened." Now Nami looked up into his eyes and try to guess what was going through his mind. Even when she was talking to Sanji, she never admitting seeking comfort from Zoro in her dreams.
"I never actually finished the dream at all until a couple of weeks ago," the navigator went on. "It... it's not so bad when it ends like that. I'm still shaken, but the waking is easier. It's not as hard to feel okay again." It was difficult to be so honest about the visions that had been plaguing her and Nami didn't even notice the tears that were silently rolling down her cheeks. She did notice that Zoro's hand was holding hers tightly now as she finished talking. "Zoro, you aren't the thing in my nightmares frightening me, you're the part of the dream that helps me move on." Then Nami cheeks quickly colored and her face hardened as she said, "And if you ever tell anyone I said that I'd double your debt daily until it's paid off!"
Zoro wasn't usually an outwardly emotional person, but hearing her words after months of believing himself to be her nightmare he couldn't stop himself from doing the thing he did next. He pulled Nami to his chest and wrapped his arms around her. Immediately, the girl stiffened making Zoro remember himself, and he dropped his arms quickly feeling a new flush of embarrassment and frustration directed at his own stupidity. "Ah. I didn't mean... Sorry. I just..."
"No." Nami silenced him by raising a hand. There was a strange look in her eyes, but Zoro noted that it wasn't the alarmed doe look that she wore when he'd seen Luffy or one of the others get too close to her. After a pause where Nami tried and failed to speak a couple times, she said, "It's not... I... do it again, only slower."
"Are you sure?" Zoro could hardly believe the words she was saying. She wanted to him to comfort her after everything he'd done.
Nodding, Nami said, "Yes. I think..." The navigator looked up into the swordsman's face trying to figure out how to say what she meant, but seeing the truth written on his face made it easier for her. "We both need it."
So Zoro gently put his hands on her upper arms and looked at her as if to make sure she was really alright with this. Truthfully, Nami was nervous, but she gave a small smile. Moving his thumbs back and forth on her arms to let her know he was going to move his hands now, he began to wrap one arm then the other around slowly her shoulders. After a moment to allow her to get used to the new contact, Zoro pulled her closer. Nami obliged him and moved into the warmth of his bare chest. Once she was leaning against him, Zoro repositioned his arms around her more comfortably. It was another moment before Nami wrapped her own arms around his waist, but after she did, she squeezed him gently.
Zoro returned the pressure lightly and Nami snuggled into his chest. His heart was pounding under her cheek, and the rhythm of it made her smile. Somehow, this simple act stood for so much between them right now. And what it really said to Zoro was that Nami forgave him. No matter how many times he told himself he was unworthy of forgiveness, she had given it to him anyhow.
His embrace was warm and gentle, and for the first time in those two long months, Nami truly felt comforted. She could feel the steady but fast beating of his heart and it made her remember that this moment was real. This connection and this friendship were real and here for her always. That reoccurring nightmare was fake, a remnant of a twisted past. At very least, it was over. Nami felt safe, a feeling she'd given up on long ago.
The security of his arms now vastly contrasted with the cruelty of that night. This was Zoro and this is how it felt when Zoro touched her. That other night, the one long ago on that dreadful island, that wasn't Zoro but a twisted perversion brought on by Doflamingo's sadistic whims. That night there had been no soft embrace and no easy touch. In light of the soft way he held her in his strong arms, Nami closed her eyes and breathed in his masculine steel scent trying to create a new memory to replace the old one in her mind.
When Nami gave a little sigh of contentment, Zoro felt himself smile. He realized that just like in her dream, this embrace was reassuring and therapeutic for her. Knowing that he was somehow the one person she would let touch her and the one person she'd let hold her strengthened Zoro against his own mutinous thoughts. Boldly, in a quite, low voice he warned, "Nami, I'm going to try something. Let me know if it's too much."
Nami nodded against his chest, surprised to find that she trusted his judgment enough not to object at his unexplained request. Zoro unwrapped his right arm from around her back and brought it up to stroke her hair. "How's this?" he whispered.
Another nod from her and a quiet, "mmm," let Zoro know that she was okay with this new touch. The girl in his arms was so strong, and yet Zoro was afraid the smallest movement might send her running. And it wasn't until he was holding her and petting her hair that he realized how much he had wanted to comfort Nami in the time since that night. He hadn't guessed how reassuring that comfort could be for him as well. With her securely in his arms, Zoro's guilt lessened as she relaxed into his touch.
Slowly, he let his hand trail down to her upper back and he began rubbing circles there. He was rewarded when she snuggled more closely against him. Now, she was so close to him that his head was filled with her intoxicating citrus scent, and the warmth of her small body pressed against his made his head whirl. Suddenly, he was possessed by the urge to press his lips to the top of her head, but he feared such an act would be too much for her so he refrained. Reigning in his instincts, he wouldn't push her too far all in one night.
As Nami's head lay cradled against his chest, she wondered if her dreams the last couple of weeks had been trying to tell her to look to Zoro for comfort. No matter whether they had or not, she had found it in his arms. She began to mover her hands over the taut skin of Zoro's lower back much like he was doing to hers. It was strange how after being afraid of all contact, Nami found that now that she craved more of it. "Zoro," she whispered.
"Mm?" he asked.
"Thank you," she answered.
"What for?" Zoro asked. She had lost him once more as he had no idea what he did to deserve her thanks.
"For understanding my pain and helping me get through it." As she spoke her arms tightened around him.
Zoro responded by tightening his hold on her and resting his cheek against her head.
It was no secret between them that they both needed to heal from that night and this innocent shared embrace served to repair the strained ties the two had suffered. That night Doflamingo had attempted to rip away the trust they had for each other, tried to distort the bond between them; they had both been suffering from it. Their mutual pain helped them rebuild their bonds as they sought comfort in each other.
Still, Nami wondered at the fact that she was here being held by Zoro. Maybe she could stand to touch him because after that horrific night she needed to be reminded what gentle touch felt like-his gentle touch. But it was no matter; the reason didn't matter nearly as much as the contact right now. Neither pirate really knew how long they sat there simply hugging, but they both knew that when it was over, they felt much better. Nami returned to her bed sometime later with a blissfully dreamless sleep and didn't wake up until well after breakfast.
It was Zoro who had trouble sleeping once Nami left. That night when he'd been forced on Nami had made the girl a focus in his life. He'd felt so guilty that all he could do was try to protect her and hope she would be okay. For the first time since it happened, he felt like she might actually be moving forward. Knowing that he could help her made a strange feeling come over him. Still, he would always long to sever Doflamingo's head from his body.
Tonight, for the first time in those two months, Zoro felt like the entire incident might not have been his own fault. If after what he had done to her Nami could still bear his touch, he might not be so bad a person after all. Too many feelings were coursing through Zoro's veins for him to sort through them, so instead he picked up some weights and began lifting. Hopefully things would make more sense in the morning.
Nami woke feeling rested for the first time since they had left Doflamingo's island. She sat up and stretched and didn't feel like hiding back in her bed or crying. And what's more, she had been able to touch Zoro last night! Of all the small step she'd taken in the past two months, that was her biggest! A smile touched her lips and this time it was wide enough that the corners of her eyes crinkled slightly. She was pleased with herself.
When Nami dressed and walked to the deck in a pair of jeans and a fitted tank top, she looked around for any sign of her Nakama. She walked over toward Usopp where he was sitting with Chopper and Luffy. "Hey!" she called smiling without having to force it. "What are you guys up to?"
Luffy looked up at her with a broad grin. "We're going to play a game, Nami! Do you want to play?"
"Don't be an idiot!" Usopp said waving his hand dismissively, "Nami never plays games like that!"
"Yeah I don't play kids games like that," Nami said waving her hand as well, and then asked curiously, "Game's like what?"
Chopper answered her happily, "Freeze tag! It will be more fun if you play, Nami. It's a game for lots of people!"
"Alright, I'll play then," she said with a smile. It was a good way to test out her new ability to touch and be touched, so it was to her advantage anyhow. Chopper and Luffy were grinning at her, but Usopp looked suspicious. For good measure Nami added, "Of course if I win you all owe me fifty thousand beli!"
"I knew it!" cried Usopp. "It's always beli, beli, beli with her!"
Nami giggled. This was almost the way it was before that night.
The four friends got ready to play by spreading out all over the deck. Usopp was 'it' first so Nami was careful to know where he was at all times. The long-nosed sniper was able to tag Chopper first and was after Nami in a flash while Luffy released Chopper. They were all running in different directions and Usopp was right behind Nami. Turning so that Usopp would catch her, Nami braced herself for his touch, and for a moment she was fine. Then the younger man was too close and all of Nami's internal alarms went off. A panic set in and she looked around wildly as his arms were coming closer and closer to her. She tried to stay still, but the idea of his hands on her sent her flesh crawling.
At the last second, Nami turned and crouched on the floor hiding her head in her hands and Usopp's hands ran right into Zoro's chest. When did Zoro get there? She wasn't sure, but she was glad he had since it stopped Usopp from touching her. It took a moment for her heart to stop beating so quickly. As she sat there she could hear Usopp explaining to Zoro about the game and Zoro responding in a confused tone. But it didn't fool Nami; she was certain that Zoro knew what was going on and had stepped in front of her on purpose!
Behind her Sanji called out, "Nami-swan! I finished your special breakfast fruit cup! You can come eat it while I start on lunch!"
Nami pushed herself up and gave Zoro a meaningful look while saying to the others, "Guess that's it for me then," as she headed for the kitchen. Behind her she could hear Luffy and Chopper trying to convince Zoro to take Nami's place in the game.
She entered the kitchen and was greeted by Sanji's concerned look. "Are you alright, Nami-san?" he asked anxiously. "What happened?"
With a slight shrug, Nami said, "I woke up feeling a little better and though I might be okay with being touched, but..." her voice trailed off.
Sanji brought her the fruit cup and a fork and Nami attempted to let her fingers brush his as she took the food from him. They grazed his lightly for a split second and Nami jumped back as if burned. Sadly, she sat at the table and let Sanji set the food in front of her. "Don't push yourself, Nami-san. What you went through was traumatic. It will take longer than two months to get back to your old self." He was being incredibly patient with her considering it was the second time this week she tried unsuccessfully to touch him.
Nodding, Nami began eating her fruit cup trying to figure out why it was different with Zoro. Was it because he alone on the crew knew the extent of her pain first hand? Or maybe it was because he was hurting so much after everything and he needed her comfort. But whatever the reason, it remained that she could abide by no one but Zoro touching her. Even Robin's touch had been repulsive to her and that surprised Nami a great deal as Robin wasn't a man and was almost like a sister to Nami.
That night she went to bed mystified, wondering why on earth she would be able to handle Zoro touching her but no one else. The only possibility that made even a little sense to her was that the nature of their shared experience had made them the same. They were both victims in the situation. Also, albeit reluctantly, Nami admitted to herself that only Zoro knew the precise extent of the pain she suffered and how dirty it made her feel; if he wanted to touch her still after knowing this, she welcomed the touch thinking maybe she wasn't so unworthy of the affection after all.
She drifted off to sleep and soon was accosted by the familiar image of Doflamingo's hands and mouth scraping over her too thin, brittle body. Tears soaked her pillow as she thrashed about fighting her subconscious demons, but eventually the nightmare eased up and Doflamingo's malicious hands gave way to Zoro's sturdy hands that supported her as she fiercely began to cover her shame. Then, new to the dream, Zoro pulled her into his chest and rubbed her back while he let her cry into his chest. In the dream, Nami focused on his heartbeat as her breathing calmed.
When Nami sat up in bed, she wasn't frantic, but her stomach was still acting up. First, she took several calming breaths, but when it became apparent that she wouldn't be able to hold it down, she bolted.
Above her in the Crow's Nest, Zoro heard the opening and closing of the two doors that meant Nami had woken sick again. With a deep breath Zoro contemplated his next move. If he went down there, after last night, would she expect him to comfort her? Or would she be upset at his presumption if he did go down there with the intention of comforting her? One thing was for certain, looking at her awkwardly and asking if she was alright at a distance was not going to cut it tonight. Maybe he should just stay up here and leave her to her business- that is what he had done on plenty of other nights. After a moment he had made up his mind; he would stay where he was and leave her to her own devices.
So then why had he already put down his weights and crossed the room to the hatch-door that would lead him down to the deck? Damn his inability to stay away from the girl! It was probably best for her if he didn't go down there, but his own selfish whims wanted him to be the one to help her-even if he could admit to himself that it helped restore his bruised ego and shattered pride as well.
As he descended the ladder down to the deck he asked himself what he was doing. He wasn't the sort of guy to reach out a comforting hand or hold someone while they cried. Generally speaking, overly emotional displays made him uncomfortable. He didn't use many kind words and he was no good at flattery or sweet talk. In fact, he should comb the ship looking for Sanji and send him after the poor distraught girl, but Zoro's feet were ever steady on their path to the door he knew she was behind.
What would he do when he got to her? Would he tell her that everything was fine? No. He wouldn't lie even to comfort her. It wouldn't be fine, probably not for some time. But it would get better slowly. He could tell her he'd be there for her, but it sounded so... it sounded like something that shitty cook would say. Sighing and shaking his head, Zoro lifted his hand to helplessly knock on the door to the bathroom.
Inside the small room, Nami had just finished washing up with her trembling limbs when she heard a knock on the door and a low voice awkwardly whisper, "Nami?" Her heart pounded as she recognized to whom the voice belonged. In an instant, Nami had flung open the door and stood looking at the green-haired swordsman.
For a moment, the two merely stood there looking at each other not quite knowing how to move. Then one of Zoro's hands twitched by his side and that was all the encouragement Nami needed. In the next instant, she had flown across the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his broad chest. Then Zoro wrapped his arms around her as well. Nami had to concede that the reality of Zoro's embrace was much more comforting than the figment in her dream had been.
As he held her, Zoro searched for something to say, any comforting words that would lessen her pain, but nothing he thought of would ever be able to close the wounds in her heart. And then, Nami did a strange thing that changed Zoro's perspective on the situation- she sighed and snuggled closer into his chest. It was then he realized that Nami didn't need pretty words- she had more than enough of those from Sanji- what Nami needed from him was the strength that only his body could provide her. Armed with that knowledge, Zoro tightened his arms around her and held her more firmly to his chest bringing one hand up to tangle in her hair while rubbing small circles on her scalp.
He held her until the tremble in her limbs stopped and her breathing slowed to a normal pace. Eventually, Nami's arms slackened and Zoro eased his hold so she could pull away. When she looked up at him, he noticed her tear streaked face and without thinking about it brought his hand up to brush the tears away. With his thumb still stroking her cheek he said, "Better?"
Nami nodded and sighed, straightening herself up. "Yeah, thanks." Then a strange laugh escaped her lips. Now, after so long, Nami could clearly see how much she needed human contact. Prior to the incident, she had taken for granted all the little high fives, pats on the shoulder, squabbles and so forth that she received from her crewmates regularly. Two months devoid of human contact had made Nami feel almost inhuman- as if she were some lower dirtier creature that was unworthy of the basest human affections. Yet, collapsing into Zoro's chest the way she had reminded her that she was indeed a human. She could feel her heart thumping against her ribs as surely as she could feel the beat of Zoro's under her cheek. It reminded Nami that she was just like everyone else, only she was going through a rough spot at the moment.
When she thought about it too, Zoro had always seemed more of a straightforward, physical creature. He wasn't the one who played with words or came up with round-about solutions. If Zoro faced an enemy he challenged them head on. Nami could imagine the darkness that had taken root inside her that night as a great enemy. Sanji had tackled the problem with kind words to divert this opponent while he planned other ways to get her around her darkness. In sense he was trying to pull Nami away from the darkness within her. Zoro, on the other hand, wrapped his arms around her and tackled her darkness head on, he didn't tell her to move past it or get over it. He had simply accepted her darkness and all.
Suddenly, Nami understood why specifically it was only Zoro's touch she could bear and it was because he wasn't trying to get her to be the Nami she was before the incident had occurred. He knew that what had happened had irrevocably changed her. The swordsman didn't try to alter the new person that had emerged from that night, simply tried to keep her safe. Maybe it was because that night changed him too. Regardless of the burdens either of them carried before, they both walked away from that night with new shadows in their hearts. Zoro made her feel as if she was worthy of affection now, not at some distant point in the future when she would be her old self again.
The truth of it washed over Nami as soon as she realized it. It was there in the words Usopp had said to Luffy and how the rest of the crew tip-toed around her. It was even there in the way Sanji treated her like someday she'd magically be herself again-as if she were something else now. Everyone was waiting for her to get better, as if she were sick or carried some sort of disease; so in turn that is how Nami felt, as if she carried some germ she was waiting for her body to oppress. Why should she get better; she didn't get better when Bell-mere died, instead she carried on letting the loss become a part of her. This, however twisted and sadistic it had been, was part of her now too. Nami wouldn't wake up some day to find that it had been undone, she simply needed to learn how to live with the fact that it had happened. And with his silent embrace, Zoro had show her that it was okay to be the person she was now, that she didn't have to change into some ideal Nami that fit everyone else's expectations. How had it taken her two months to see this?
Acting of its own accord, Nami's hand came up to rest on his chest just above the steady beating of his heart. Wordlessly, Zoro reached his own hand up to cover hers. As Nami closed her eyes to simply feel the closeness between then, a small smile formed on her lips. "Thank you, Zoro," she whispered.
"There you go again," Zoro said with a shake of his head, "thanking me when I haven't done anything."
But now, Nami knew what to say to this, "Exactly."
Though he didn't understand what she meant, Zoro's cheeks colored ever so slightly at her declaration. Nami didn't spend too much time considering it right now because she laid her forehead against the firm skin of his broad chest just letting the warm feeling of the skin contact wash over her. It was amazing how much pain the touch of a friend could ease- and Zoro was such a good friend, even if he didn't realize it. He was ever sturdy and it seemed to Nami that he helped her feel stable on her feet.
Zoro was still a little uncertain of how best to help her, but she seemed to benefit the most from being held by him; as hard as it was for him to fathom, he understood first hand how the physical connection between friends could ease suffering- he felt it now with her in his arms. Gently, he allowed his head to fall slightly so that it was resting on top of Nami's wealth of citrus scented orange hair. He held her to him like that until she turned her head to yawn making an expression that was reminiscent of a sleepy kitten.
It started with a low rumble in his chest and continued until it had burst from his chest in a full guffawing laugh while Nami smiled against him. He couldn't help it. This whole situation was too absurd. Pretty soon, Nami too was laughing so hard that tears were welling up in the corner of her eyes. And yet neither pirate could pinpoint exactly what was so funny or specifically what had started this laughter. Eventually, their hysterics died down and Nami yawned again.
"Better head to bed," Zoro suggested and Nami nodded her agreement with a smile. It seemed that their second embrace gave both of them a little more clarity on their current situation. Nami went off to bed feeling more secure with her own self; she had a better grasp of what she needed to do to move past her incident. For a moment, Zoro tarried on the deck before heading off to the men's quarters to lie down and sleep. He relished the idea that he was the one Nami needed and that he could provide something for her that no one else could. After the mess Doflamingo had created of their friendship, they were both glad for the innocent touches shared between them that helped them both feel more secure in that friendship.
When they woke in the morning it was to the sound of Luffy shouting, "ISLAND! WOOO!" Bouncing up and down on Sunny's figurehead, Luffy shouted, "To the promise land of meat!"
Chopper trotted out onto the deck with his large eyes looking sharply at the island. "Look at all those trees!" the reindeer said excitedly, "I bet they have a wealth of medicinal herbs in a place like that!"
"Ah!" Usopp said confidently, "I bet it's a nice quiet place, with peaceful villagers and nice shops."
"Hmm," Robin responded thoughtfully, "I'm not so sure, Long-nose-kun. Look at the state of those ships in the harbor. I think a great war must have happened here recently."
"A w-w-war?" Usopp asked now seeming unsure and like he might come down with the I-can't-disembark-onto-an-island-of-recent-or-current-conflict disease.
With one large hand, Franky pushed up his sunglasses and said, "Ow! With ships like that, there seems to be a lot of scrap metal laying about for the taking." Then with a crashing sound he added, "Scrap me-tal for the tak-ing mecha."
This had Chopper, Usopp and Luffy looking at the cyborg and shouting, "He's talking like a robot! Awesome!"
Franky made another noise to mimic the whizzing of gears in a motor as he stiffly- or like a robot- walked across the deck.
Nami made it to the railing and looked at the jagged coast of the tropical island. "Wow! Look at that coastline!" The topographer in her leapt with joy. "What an interesting map this place will make! We have to explore that coast!"
Behind her Sanji and Zoro nodded their heads meaning that is exactly what they intended to do as well. In the end it was decided that Nami, Sanji and Zoro would head on an expedition around the coast while Luffy, Chopper and Usopp headed out into the jungle for an adventure and to check out the wild plant life. Robin and Franky decided to go into town to check out the situation of the island and dig up information on why there were so many wrecked ships in the harbor- and to see if they could bum some scrap metal. Ow!
"Yo Ho Ho Ho! If you will allow it, Captain, I will remain behind to guard the ship," the skeleton said with a smile as he sipped casually on a cup of tea.
"Alright!" Luffy cried, "Let's go then!" And the Straw Hats went their separate ways to their own adventures.
Nami, Zoro and Sanji all walked along the rocky coast. Nami was busy taking measurements and sketching the configuration of the rocks as the waves drew in and out. Next to her, Sanji made observations about the splendid way she did this or that- he wasn't flirting exactly, but he was as ever effusive in his praise of her. Behind them, Zoro walked quietly along with his right arm resting against his swords at the elbow and his left hand stuck inside the opening of his coat. The swordsman might look as though he was relaxed, but in truth every muscle in his body was ready to strike at a moment's notice. Should he need to draw his three swords, he would be able to do so before any enemy had gotten within fifty yards of them; though truthfully, he was so practiced in the art of iaido that he needed scarcely more than a second to cut down any threat. And he could tell from the way Sanji's arm tensed when he went to take a drag of his cigarette that the other man was ready to strike as well. Nami was well protected. It was their greatest shame that they let her get hurt the first time. Like hell they would ever let it happen again!
Zoro let his mind wander a bit, Nami had become... important to him. Prior to the incident, he thought of her the same way he had thought of any of his nakama, but now... well now he thought of her more often than not. It wasn't that he thought anything inappropriate like you would expect a man of his age to do when he thought of a woman almost constantly. Instead he thought about little things: if she'd find something to eat that she'd keep down, if she'd have another night mare, if she would get sleep, if she was able to focus enough to get her maps done, if she was going to tend to her mikans that day, would he see her smile today or would it merely be that sad ghost of a smile she'd worn since the incident? He was thinking of her so much he was beginning to feel like that damn cook! Only in the last day or so did he even endeavor to imagine himself comforting her physically and even then it was nothing more than a hug or a gentle touch of his hand on her shoulders. There was nothing untoward about his thoughts.
Presently his meanderings were interrupted when he heard the cook say, "...like that shitty marimo!"
"Oi oi!" Zoro countered, "the hell are you on about you shitty excuse for a cook?"
The blond man turned around. "Nothing much, only telling Nami that I'd devoutly protect her and not get lost in my own thoughts like some muscle head who can't do two things at once," Sanji jibed as he blew out a lungful of smoke in Zoro's direction.
In a flash Zoro had drawn his swords and shouted, "Say that again you piece of crap Cook!"
"Why? Did I go to fast for you the first time?" Sanji taunted even as he caught Zoro's blades with the thick sole of his black boot.
The two squabbled a bit further while Nami worked on properly sketching a particularly vexing layout along the coast. In truth, the lull in their walking is probably what lead Sanji to antagonize the swordsman. There was no point standing around when they could spar and get stronger.
It was during this fight that Sanji noted that Zoro was blocking more efficiently than he'd had the past two months and countering just as well. Interesting, the cook thought, that Zoro had suddenly had a purpose back in his movements.
Before the fight escalated too far, Nami called out, "Alright Sanji, Zoro! I'm done." She waited for the two to put away their weapons before adding, "Honestly, how am I going to get anything done if my boys fight at every opportunity?" Then with her index finger tapping her chin she mused, "I think I'm going to charge you twenty-thousand beli each for fighting on the job."
Properly chastised, Sanji and Zoro both turned to follow Nami- Sanji with red-tipped ears and Zoro with a smugly sheepish expression on his lips. There was no denying the truth of her words; they were both indeed very much her boys.
Author's note:
Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it! I know these chapters are a little slow in getting posted. I do assure you that the whole story is written, so it will get posted in its entirety. The tricky part is that since it is dealing with such a heavy subject it takes me a few goes to go over it and over it, and then over it again. And going through it all at once is no good because then I am too in my head to accurately judge what's in front of me. I need to give it a couple days, think of something else and then go back to look at it again. Only then am I happy enough to post it. :) So it might take a bit, but it's all coming up I promise! This time, I needed to work on the next chapter simultaneously to figure out where the breaks needed to go. Alright, with that.
I gave them a little respite this chapter, but sadly, their torture is no where near over. I'm too mean. _ This time things should go a little quicker. I've already got the next chapter of this half-way edited and the next chapter of my fairy tale piece is written, so this next week should be productive for me around here.
Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!