Chapter 6 – A Walk through the Night
After walking for a while in silence, Angel asked, "Are you warm enough?"
"Yes."
"Good. I don't want you to get sick again."
"That Rupert Giles is an interesting character, don't you think?" Buffy asked.
"He definitely is. But I think he should be more careful."
"So you believe what he said?"
"Um… no, of course not. But in order to get his information, he's probably willing to talk to some very unscrupulous people."
"Well, he's made it so far and he's still in one piece," Buffy pointed out.
"That's true. But one day his luck might run out."
"Maybe he is more resourceful than you give him credit for. He seems quite knowledgeable."
"He probably is, in certain areas. But he is also way too polite."
"Too polite? I didn't know one could be too polite," Buffy said with a grin.
"Yes, just as people can be too caring and compassionate. There aren't many of those either. But I am looking at one right now. And I think you should be more careful too."
"Me?" Buffy asked surprised.
"Going out alone after dark and ending up in a deserted alley isn't exactly a good idea."
"I told you I got lost."
"That doesn't change the fact that you did go out alone at night."
"I do know how to look out for myself," Buffy said, getting slightly angry. She'd had to put up with Riley's machismo long enough. "I had to grow up fast. After our parents died, I had to take care of my sister and-" Damn, she hadn't meant to tell him anything about her sister. Buffy held her breath and hoped Angel would simply ignore what she had just said.
Buffy had told him that her whole family was dead. But Angel didn't dare ask what had happened to her sister. He didn't want to talk about his sister, so he wouldn't ask about hers. If she wanted to talk about it, she would tell him. He noticed how uncomfortable Buffy had gotten. So he decided to change the topic. "Have you had time to see any of the sights?"
"This city has sights?" Buffy asked.
"Well, not really. But some of the churches are really beautiful."
"Yeah, the one at the market place is quite impressive."
"That one's just big. Not bad, but it tries to overwhelm you with its size. I prefer the smaller ones."
Buffy had seen many churches while traveling the country with the clan, but she had never been inside one. Angel probably assumed her to be Christian. But gypsies had their own beliefs and many had been enslaved because they had refused to convert to the Christian faith.
Angel suddenly changed direction. "Come on. I'll show you a really nice one."
Buffy had seen him admire many churches while following him through the night. She was pretty sure which one he was heading for. There was a small church near the stables where he spent his days. He'd stopped there several times and had even gone inside on occasion. She had often wondered why a vampire would be interested in religion and particularly in churches, since a church must resemble something like a torture chamber for a vampire with all those crosses and holy water.
"The paintings on the inside are magnificent," Angel explained passionately. "The smaller churches don't have so much money, so they can't show off with gold and other pomp. They have to come up with other things to decorate them."
Maybe he wasn't interested in the religion at all. Maybe he was just interested in the art and architecture. "You like art?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah, I do." Suddenly he stopped and looked at her. His face fell. "You don't," he said disappointedly. "I should have realized. You don't like books, so why should you like art?"
"What makes you think I don't like books?"
"You looked so bored when Willow and Giles talked."
"Well, I don't like those kind of books, you know, history books, books with many little, tiny details. I like… other books." She didn't want him to think she was stupid.
"Hey, it's okay. Nobody said you have to like books. I'm sorry, I simply assumed… I should have asked."
"It's okay. You can show me anyway. I am sure I'll like it."
"We don't have to. We can go somewhere else."
"No, really, I'd like to…" Buffy trailed off.
"You'd like what?" Angel asked. Then he noticed what Buffy was staring at. It was the large tree where he had tried to take his life. "Oh, I didn't realize we would come through here," he said apologetically.
"It's okay. I mean, since you don't plan to do that again… right?"
Angel smiled at her. "Certainly not in your company."
"That's not funny," Buffy said upset.
"Sorry, that wasn't meant to be funny. It was meant to be a compliment. But you are right. It wasn't very tasteful. I am a bit out of practice, with compliments, I mean."
"Oh." Somehow hearing that made Buffy happy.
Angel stared at Buffy with admiration. "You were amazing."
"What?" Buffy asked confused, not knowing what he was referring to.
"If anyone else had found me like that they would have run away screaming and left me to my fate. But you didn't. You cared even though you didn't know me. You are amazing."
Buffy looked down to avoid his look. "I am sure anybody else would have reacted the same way." She didn't feel she deserved his praise since she had been following him. But her reaction to his suicide attempt hadn't been a calculated part of her duty. It had been a reflex. She hadn't realized what she had been doing until she had stood by his side.
"Oh, no, most people only mind their own business. They are either ignorant of what is going on around them or afraid to get their hands dirty. I've never met anyone like you." Her attitude was fearless, her character was intriguing, she was very outspoken and didn't seem to be afraid of anything. It was refreshing.
"You must have met a lot of bad people to come to that conclusion," Buffy said.
"No, you are special. Don't underestimate yourself." Suddenly Angel had a troubling thought. "How old are you?"
"What?"
"How old are you?"
"That's not very polite to ask," Buffy admonished him teasingly.
"I know. And I am sorry. Still, would you please tell me your age?"
"Why?"
"Well, you seem so mature and experienced in life. Hardly anyone would dare travel without a male companion. But you look still very young," he said. And although that was true, it wasn't the reason why Angel wanted to know her age. He wanted to know because she possessed qualities that would probably make her an outstanding Slayer.
"I am nineteen."
"I wouldn't have guessed," Angel said. Inwardly he sighed relieved. Nineteen. Slayers were usually called at a younger age.
Buffy grinned. "That's the only sensible thing for you to say now."
"I don't care how old you are."
"Right," Buffy said doubtfully. "Then why ask at all?"
"I was just curious."
"Curious?"
"Yes, curious. I just want to know more about you."
"You know quite a lot about me already. More than I know about you."
"What do you want to know?"
"Um…" His question took Buffy by surprise. She hadn't expected him to offer anything like that. She had a carte blanche to ask whatever she wanted. If he would answer her truthfully was another question though.
"Ask," Angel said.
"Well… I… um…"
Angel grinned. "What, I got you speechless? I try to kill myself and you keep on babbling as if nothing had happened. You are almost too sick to get out of bed and still you manage to have a chat with me. But when you demand to know more about me and I oblige, you can't think of anything better than 'um'?" Angel teased.
Buffy blushed deeply. Angel found her simply adorable. She was such a sweet girl, yet intriguing and unpredictable in a very charming way.
"I… I…" Buffy stammered and couldn't get out another word when she saw how intensely Angel was staring at her. His gaze made her shiver.
"Are you cold?" Angel asked concerned.
"No," she responded in a whisper.
Her cheeks were slightly red from the cold. Tenderly, Angel touched her face. She radiated so much heat it was intoxicating. Then his eyes wandered from her cheeks to her lips. They were slightly open and Angel was hypnotized by them.
Buffy just stood still, extremely still. If her life had depended on it, she wasn't sure she could have moved. Her desire to be kissed by him equaled her concern over where this could lead, namely nowhere, and that there were about a dozen reasons why she shouldn't be kissing him.
Angel knew this could go nowhere. He was a vampire and she was human. But he was drawn to her like a moth to the light. And he was starving for that light, for her warmth, for her kindness and for her humanity. He hadn't felt so close to a human for ages, if ever. As a vampire - a ruthless vampire – he had been as close to humans as one can get, feeding on them, sucking the life out of them. But that had been a cold, calculated and unfeeling closeness. This was like magnetism. He simply couldn't resist. He leaned towards Buffy until his lips made contact with her mouth.
After a second of not knowing what to do, Buffy instinctively responded to his kiss. She opened her mouth further and allowed him entrance. The feelings his kiss evoked in her were new and exciting, but at the same time they felt like a missing part of her existence. Buffy started to forget why she shouldn't be kissing him. It wasn't important anymore. It couldn't be important, not when something felt so good, so wonderful.
Angel delved deeper into her mouth. He couldn't get enough of her warmth, of her taste, of her willingness. Slowly, unconsciously, Angel moved them towards the tree. He pressed Buffy with her back against it. A moan escaped Buffy's throat. When her breathing became irregular Angel reminded himself that she needed air and broke the kiss. But he remained close, touching her forehead with his and smiled at her. Buffy returned the smile.
"Hey, mate, won't you share your conquest with us?"
Angel turned around and saw four men standing there. "You better leave us alone," Angel said in a threatening tone.
"Aw, come on. She's so pretty and looks so willing," one of them slurred. They were obviously drunk.
Buffy blushed furiously.
"You better stop talking like that or I will make you stop," Angel said calmly. "And you don't want that, believe me."
"Is that a threat, mate?"
"You can be damn sure it is."
"And how would you do that? You against the four of us? I don't think so."
Angel grabbed Buffy's hand tightly and pulled her along, hoping he could avoid a fight. But the drunks followed them.
"Now, matey, come on, don't be like this. I bet she wouldn't mind having all five of us. We'll be pretty nice to her. Won't we, lads? She'll have her fun, too."
Suddenly one guy grabbed Angel from behind and wanted to hit him, but Angel had expected something like that and ducked easily. He threw the guy against a wall, which knocked him out cold. The second one could get in a hit, but it hardly had any effect on Angel. He followed the fate of the first guy and hit the wall as well. The third guy was a bit more careful and seemed to actually know something about boxing, being a lot quicker and more agile than the two other guys and actually got some hits in. While Angel was distracted by him, the fourth guy hit him over the head with a stone. Angel roared in anger and automatically changed into his demon face. He whirled around and hit the third guy hard enough to knock him out as well. Then he turned towards the boxer. One look at Angel's face and the guy was running down the alley as fast as he could.
Angel turned to see if Buffy was alright, forgetting that he was still wearing his demon face. Buffy looked a bit scared at first. She hadn't seen him with that face for quite a while. Angel quickly realized what she was staring at. He expected her to freak out and scream any second. But Buffy did no such thing.
"Thanks," she said finally and smiled at him. "Are you okay? Let me have a look at your head."
Angel was dumbstruck. That was definitely not what he had expected. Changing back to his human face he said, "I'm fine. I should take you back." Angel started to walk away from the three guys lying unconsciously on the ground, but Buffy didn't move. "Come on, we should get out of here before they wake up."
Buffy followed him. They walked in silence for a while. Angel kept his distance, walking not nearly as close to her as he had done before. He didn't look at her either. Buffy was confused. She tried to touch his hand, but he pulled away and increased the distance between them. Having had enough of his antics, she said calmly, "I know what you are."
Angel stopped and finally looked at her.
Buffy went on, "I've known for a long time."
"How long?"
"Since the beginning."
"Since that night when I tried to…?"
"Well, actually, even before that," Buffy confessed. It was time to fess up.
"What?"
"It's okay."
"No, it's not okay!" Angel yelled. "I am a monster! How can you be so calm about this? Why did you never say anything?"
"You are not a monster!"
"I've done horrible things. Things you can't even imagine. If you knew, you would have never tried to save my life back then. If I told you…" Angel trailed off. He wanted her to understand what a bad person he was, but he wouldn't burden her with accounts of his crimes.
"I know," Buffy said calmly.
Angel shook his head and said in a pained voice, "You can't know. I've killed so many people, in horrible ways."
"I do know."
"You don't!" he yelled at her. "Someone like you could never even imagine…" In a whisper he added, "The last one was almost still a child."
"I know. She was my sister."
Angel just looked at her in utter shock and disbelief.
"You killed my sister," Buffy said again. A single tear escaped her eyes.
"What?" Angel was sure he had misheard.
"You killed my sister."
Angel's mind wasn't able to make sense of what Buffy had said.
"I had a younger sister. Her name was Dawn. She was your last victim before my clan, the Kalderash, punished you with your soul."
Angel still wasn't sure if he should believe her. But why would she say something like that if it wasn't true? "Then why did you stop me from killing myself? Oh, I get it. You want to do it yourself. Go right ahead. Do it."
"That's not why I am here."
"Then what do you want? What was this entire charade for?"
"It wasn't a charade. At first, yes, I pretended to be lost, so you wouldn't kill yourself."
"I don't understand. What do you want from me?"
"I… I don't want anything from you. I was sent after you," Buffy admitted.
"Sent? By whom?"
"My clan."
"Why?"
"It's complicated."
"Fine, then don't tell me," Angel said, not believing one word. He didn't know what to believe, but nothing made sense anymore.
"That's not a stupid excuse!" Buffy yelled, letting some of her anger show for the first time. "It is complicated. My clan has a very twisted way of executing their vengeance."
"They gave me back my soul, pretty straight forward and effective, if you ask me."
Buffy sadly shook her head. "The greater punishment is still waiting for you."
"What do you mean?"
"Their revenge… our revenge is not over yet, far from it. Gypsies can be patient, if the outcome justifies it."
"What are you talking about?" Angel asked irritated.
"There is a second part to your curse."
"A second part? Really? What could be worse than remembering countless, horrible murders you committed and having a conscience? I can't imagine anything worse than that. Not only do they follow you every waking minute, they also appear in your dreams. Nothing you gypsies could do to me could top that."
"Killing a gypsy doesn't make you an expert in gypsy vengeance!" His arrogance was starting to annoy Buffy.
"Then please, enlighten me."
Buffy had to take a deep breath to keep her temper in check. "Their revenge is only complete when you feel what we felt, when you lose somebody you love, when you kill that somebody by your own hands."
"I already did that. The curse has no time restrictions, you know. I remember every person I killed from the day I was turned. And since I was given back my soul, they visit me every single time I close my eyes."
"That's what I thought," Buffy said quietly. "You did kill people you knew, didn't you?"
Angel just nodded.
"Still, the second part of the curse is already in place and it is meant for someone you haven't killed yet."
"I don't understand."
"Your soul is not permanent."
"What?" Angel asked aghast. "I could lose it again?"
"Yes, but only if you… well… if you…" Buffy started to blush. "Well, should you meet someone, a girl, and really like her… well, fall in love with her and… um… you know…"
"No, I don't know," Angel said confused.
"If you have one perfect moment of happiness while… being intimate with her, you will lose your soul again and…"
Understanding appeared on Angel's face. "And kill her," he finished for her.
"Yes."
"That plan is slightly flawed, because the demon in me won't care one bit."
"That's what I am here for," Buffy admitted regretfully. "Once that happens, once it is foreseeable that the curse might be broken, I am to inform the clan so that the curse can be performed anew. But this time it will be permanent."
Up to this day, Angel had felt truly guilty about the pain his actions had caused the gypsies. But they themselves were cruel beyond belief. They were willing to sacrifice an innocent. And they hadn't the excuse of harboring a demon inside them. Many demons would be green with envy over this truly vicious plan. "Why are you telling me this?"
"I don't want anybody else to die. I don't want that blood on my hands. I know what it feels like to lose a loved one. I don't want anybody else to have to feel that kind of pain, neither her family, nor her friends, not even you. Besides, it wasn't really you who did all that."
"It was me. It was my body, my hands, my…" He couldn't finish that sentence. "I am a monster. And I don't deserve mercy."
"If that was really you, why would you suddenly feel sorry for what you did?"
"I don't understand."
"You feel sorry now, but not when you did it. Don't you see? That only makes sense when there are two different people involved. The person who killed all those people could only do so because he didn't feel any guilt. You feel guilty and could never kill a person."
"I could kill a person. I almost killed those guys."
"Because you tried to protect me. The demon that inhabited your body before would have probably killed me instead or joined them in what they wanted to do to me. Nobody could be more different than you and the demon that inhabited your body before you regained your soul. Believe me, I know, I've watched you for the last few weeks."
"But somebody has to pay for those cruelties!"
"Now you sound exactly like the elders of my clan!" Buffy said angrily. "You are equals when it comes to stubbornness!"
"You should leave."
"What?" Buffy couldn't believe her ears.
"Go away!"
"Did you just say-?"
"Go away! Leave!"
"You are telling me to leave?" Buffy asked incredulously. She was the one who should have sent him away, not the other way around.
"I am a monster. You shouldn't be around me!"
"What, now that you know I know, you can't deal with it, but before it was okay?" Buffy asked in disbelief.
Angel didn't answer. He didn't understand it himself.
"Fine!" Buffy threw up her hands. "Have it your way!" She left.
Angel leaned against the wall of a house and sank down to the ground. He buried his head in his hands. This evening had started out so promising. For the first time in weeks he had felt alive again, and even more important, worthy of living. But then it had all gone to hell. He shouldn't have been surprised. What did he expect? A new chance? With someone like Buffy? How foolish to believe in such a fantasy for even one second. Suddenly something occurred to him. He had sent Buffy back to the guesthouse on her own. Hadn't he just told her how dangerous it was to go outside alone after dark? Had she made it back alright? The more he thought about it the more worried he got. Angel got up and hurried towards the guesthouse. He had to check on her. And he had to tell her something, something very important.
TBC