Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed chapter 5. I seem to have made some of you cry, which I will take as a compliment because I hadn't anticipated how powerful people would find that update. Your reviews as always have touched me and thank you for all the feedback on how this story is progressing. Special thanks to Anny and Meggi for their support on this one.
Just to say, chapter 6 does deal with the circumstances surrounding Olivia, which might not be an easy read. I thought I should put that out there as a warning, so you know what to expect.
Here is chapter 6 of 7.
Snowdrops
Chapter 6
Sam had sat staring at the contents of the pink box for at least fifteen minutes before she plucked up the courage to touch any of the precious items it contained. She had been joined in her spot on the floor by Dervla, who it appeared had sensed the overwhelming feeling of sadness that had descended on the room and thought that her company may again be required. A part of Sam couldn't believe that she was sitting in Dylan's home, with Dylan's dog, surrounded by the memories of her marriage on the eve of their daughter's birthday without even knowing if her husband had remembered the significance of tomorrow's date.
She had undone the white bow of the box with some trepidation. The ribbon had felt incredibly soft against her fingertips and as she removed it she had wrapped it around her wrist, having not wanted to lose the feel of it against her skin for a single moment. She remembered that day two years previously when Dylan had returned late from work, causing her to briefly consider whether he had cracked under the pressure and had ended up in a pub somewhere on route. Instead he had surprised her with the gift of the small engraved box he had ordered some weeks earlier ready for collection the day before it had been required for use.
The gift itself had been a symbolic gesture for the two of them after an incredibly difficult two years. The simple act of placing all of their cherished memories of Olivia into a box on the anniversary had been therapeutic and had enabled them to move forwards with both of their lives. It was unfortunate, Sam thought to herself, that in moving on they had grown apart but she knew that she had to accept responsibility for the distance which had developed between them. After all, she remembered, it had been her who had ceased to be satisfied with the life they shared. She couldn't help but be caught up in the irony of that thought, given that she would now move mountains to get back to that time with her husband once again.
She had finally summonsed up the courage to remove the first few items from the pink case. The paper felt flimsy in her hands, belying the immense importance she attached to the pictures printed onto them. There were four scan photos in total; 24 weeks, 16 weeks, 12 weeks and 8 weeks and even four years on from Olivia's birth she could remember every minute detail of her baby's appearance at each stage. She had never felt it was appropriate to have a favourite scan picture, but the one she had from the 16 week appointment showed Olivia apparently waving at the camera. She had remembered Dylan joking at the time that their daughter already appeared to be more outgoing that either of them even before she'd entered the world.
Despite the fond memories attached to that picture, it was the 8 week scan that had held the deepest feelings for Sam. She had taken the pregnancy test before arriving at work that morning and the positive result had sent her head into a spin. She had felt totally unable to confide in Dylan and had spent the entire shift trying to avoid working with him, which given that he was supposed to be observing her for her portfolio had been a difficult feat.
She had completely gone to pieces under the pressure and had fled from him to take refuge in the ladies toilets. Much to her surprise he had followed her in, concern written across his face, and through her sobs she had confessed her news. She had anticipated that he wouldn't exactly be pleased with the unexpected development, hence not having wanted to face him in the first place, but the ferocity of his response had been astonishing to her.
Ever since he had taken on responsibility for her mentoring they had bickered and the closer they had grown, the more tangled their debates had become but she had never seen real anger from him until that day. She had stood leaning against one of the sinks, crying so hard that it hurt, whilst he ranted about her throwing away the chance of a great medical career. He had told her that she was ruining everything they had worked for together with her stupidity and had made sure she was well aware how disappointed he was before he stormed out on her. Their intense connection had always been tempestuous but she had been devastated by his reaction to what should have been happy news.
Sam had sat for at least half an hour in the toilets unable to deal with facing him again before he had returned and physically dragged her off for a scan. Her tears had finally ceased upon seeing the tiny little person who was growing inside her and in that moment she had known that no matter what it cost her she was bringing this child into the world. Dylan had initially dismissed the image as being nothing more than a smudge, but she had noticed that his eyes had barely left the screen. They had sat there in silence for what had felt like forever, however when he had eventually made eye contact with her she could see the tears in his eyes.
He had been insistent from that first scan that the baby was a girl, despite her pointing out that it was far too early to see that. She remembered that they had both laughed when he pointed out that the esteemed Dr Keogh was never wrong about anything and they had referred to her as Olivia from almost that point forward. She smiled now at the recollection of her 24 week scan when Olivia had finally allowed the maternity department to confirm that Dylan had been correct in his deductions.
The scan pictures held such strong memories for her that it was difficult to put them down, but Sam wanted to continue to explore the contents of her daughter's box. She took out the next item, which was a small pink teddy bear. Dylan had given her the wrapped up bear with a tag that indicated it was for his "two favourite girls". She had removed the paper carefully to reveal the cuddly toy, which was holding a set of keys. The gift had been his way of inviting Sam to move in with him without having to say the emotionally charged words aloud and had demonstrated his acceptance of the future his new family was going to have. The little pink bear had sat on their bed for the remainder of Sam's pregnancy and had bought comfort to them both after Olivia was gone.
The next items she removed from the box were Olivia's birth and death certificates. Sam slowly traced her fingers over her little girl's name, Olivia Samantha Keogh, and the date on both documents, 29th January 2008. She had to blink back the tears as she held onto the only official proof she had that her angel had even existed. She remembered that Dylan had gone to the registry office alone as she hadn't been strong enough to sign the forms. She knew now that everyone believed she was the strong one, tough from serving time in Afghanistan, but despite him rarely outwardly showing any emotion Sam knew that her husband was a lot stronger than she would ever be.
The hospital tag for "baby Keogh" and the tiny footprints stamped onto a piece of card were the next two items she removed from the box. Most of the time Sam was able to compartmentalise her life and she kept the memories of that day locked away at the back of her mind, quite like having the items themselves stored away in a box. However the tiny arm tag and miniature feet took her straight back to that day four years ago, with all of the emotion and harsh reality fresh in her head as if the events had occurred only yesterday.
From the very moment of that first 8 week scan Dylan had promised to protect her and the baby from harm, but in the end it had been her that had failed to live up to her side of that bargain. He had stood by her despite his reservations yet she had not been able to keep their little girl safe. She remembered how scared she had been when she realised Olivia hadn't moved for an entire day and that she hadn't been able to meet Dylan's eye when she revealed her suspicions. Once the scan had confirmed her worst fears the terrible enormity of the situation had hit home and she had spent the night wrapped in Dylan's arms sobbing her heart out as he stroked her hair and reassured her Olivia wouldn't have suffered.
The next morning they had returned to the hospital for Sam to be induced. Eight terrible, gut-wrenching hours later Sam and Dylan had welcomed Olivia into the world for the first time, as their little angel was born sleeping at 26 weeks. There had been some excellent staff on the ward that day, people they had both known as acquaintances through their work in the E.D. and they had helped Sam take the beautiful, tiny sweetheart's footprints to preserve for posterity. Sam barely remembered anything after that, as she had been reduced to a state of numbness by her loss. She knew Dylan had held the tiny baby, who had weighed in at only 1 ½ pounds, and cuddled her until it had been time for them to leave, but after that her memory was blank.
Sam wiped the tears from her eyes once again and ran her fingers through her already messy hair. Dervla moved from her side to lay her head in Sam's lap, her big expressive eyes looking up at her expectantly.
"You remember?" Sam questioned of her companion. "You remember how sad we all were, don't you doggy?" Dervla had been such a comfort to her back then, as she had been on this day too. In the few weeks after Olivia had died, their household had been consumed by emptiness and was devoid of any form of life. Sam remembered spending days lying in a nightmarish cocoon curled up on the bed with the curtains closed, her head on Dylan's chest, his hand on her back and their dog sprawled across both of their legs. Eventually her partner had begun to take steps back to the reality outside of their home, taking Dervla for a walk and almost force feeding Sam the food he brought back from their trips to the shops.
Sam picked out the pressed white snowdrop from the box and twisted it through her fingers repeatedly. The funeral Dylan had arranged was simple, but beautiful. It had been a cold February day with frost on the ground when they had arrived at that church. Dylan had carried the tiny white coffin into the service and Sam remembered stopping by the entrance to pick a single snowdrop to place atop her daughter's grave. The two of them had been the only people present except the vicar conducting the service, but they had all sung "Twinkle twinkle little star" until their voices were filled with too much emotion to continue. Dylan had read a short piece of poetry, a piece that she knew they would both be able to recite by heart for the remainder of their days. It had been the most perfect send off for their Olivia and afterwards they had walked Dervla in the countryside for hours and Dylan had found Sam a snowdrop of her own to keep. Every time she had seen a snowdrop ever since she had thought of that day, Dylan and her little girl.
Sam remembered how unbearably difficult that time had been and how it had been Dylan's strength which had brought her through that period. Once that initial devastation had been replaced with the seemingly never-ending task of returning to normal life, she had watched as his strength had dissipated in front of her eyes. They had stopped being able to talk openly and their silences had become uncomfortable almost overnight. Eventually Dylan had sought solace in the bottle and had taken to communicating solely with Dervla, whilst she had finally done what she had been threatening to do since commencing medical training and signed up to be an army medic. The life and death cut and thrust of the armed forces had been extreme but had given her life focus again and made her feel something other than a hollow shell.
Sam took out the last item from the box and held it in the palm of her hand. The first year after Olivia's death had been the hardest time she could remember experiencing. Both her and Dylan had thrown themselves into work wholeheartedly rather than face up to the difficulties they were having in their own lives. It had been Olivia's very existence that had sped up the trajectory of their relationship and in her absence it had been hard for Sam to work out exactly where she stood with the man she loved.
She had chosen to spend several weeks away training for a posting to Afghanistan and on her return she had discovered Dylan's drinking had been out of control to the point where it had affected his work. For the first time since her daughter's death Sam had found the strength to open up to him and tell him how frightened she was that she was going to lose him for good. They had stayed up all night talking and had vowed together to give up alcohol, a vow Sam now guiltily recollected she had publicly and spectacularly broken the previous night.
Despite Dylan not wanting to go into his reasons for turning to the bottle, Sam had eventually convinced him to return her honesty. He had finally admitted that he had been driven to seek something to numb the guilt he felt at being unable to save their daughter or Sam herself from the harm he had sworn to protect them from. He had noticed that Sam had seemed unable to meet his gaze and had assumed she blamed him for not being able to keep them all safe.
Sam remembered the horror she had felt on hearing him say those words out loud and had struggled to keep her emotions in check as she informed him of the real reason for her distance. She had explained that she had spent an entire year unable to look him in the eye because she thought he blamed her for failing to protect their little girl and bring her safely into the world. Their honesty had bonded them over a shared sense of guilt at Olivia's passing despite both of them having enough medical knowledge to know neither was truly responsible.
Two weeks later it had been the first anniversary of Olivia's birth and Dylan had driven Sam to the churchyard where their daughter was buried, before taking her and Dervla on the same walk they had endured on the day of the funeral. When they had reached the furthest point of their walk Dylan had pulled her down to sit on some rocks and look out over the countryside. He had been very attentive, pushing stray windswept hairs from her face to behind her ears and wrapping one arm around her.
After they had sat there for what had felt like forever, Sam remembered that Dylan had passed her two small boxes. The first had contained the tiny silver bracelet that now sat in her palm. It was inscribed with Olivia's name and date of birth, plus the words "Our little snowdrop" and Sam had felt her heart break on seeing it for the first time. The bracelet had been a focal point for their grief that day and Sam had displayed it by her bedside until it was placed in Olivia's memory box the following year.
The second was smaller and Sam had felt her heart flutter on holding it in her hands. Dylan had placed his hand atop hers before she could open it and she remembered him telling her that he loved her and that he would always be there for their family until the end of time. He had finally allowed her to open the box and she had gasped at the gorgeous engagement ring it contained, before saying yes through the salty tears that had been streaming down her face since they had sat down. They had stayed seated on the rocks for hours watching Dervla chase, but fail to catch, rabbits below them as they started to make plans for a future they wanted to rebuild together.
Back on the boat Sam put the little bracelet back inside the box before starting to return the previous items to their original location, retaining only the pink cuddly bear in her hands. She placed the box onto the coffee table and moved herself up onto the sofa, where she curled up on her side with the teddy wrapped in her arms. A despondent looking Dervla jumped up to join her, lying herself along Sam's back and placing one paw on her shoulder.
When she checked her watch she was surprised to see that there was only an hour to go until midnight and she guessed that her reminiscing must have taken a lot more time that she had realised. Sam knew that come the clock striking twelve she would need to phone Dylan and could only hope that she would not be interrupting anything between him and Zoe when she did so.
Sam felt emotionally drained from her evening on board Dylan's boat going through the memories of her marriage and her daughter, but strangely she had found the experience cathartic. Just like her daughter's first anniversary Sam felt that tomorrow was a day for looking to the future just as much as it was recollecting the past. She would always be Dylan's wife and Olivia's mummy, but she knew now that she also needed to learn to be herself again.
So as midnight fast approached, Sam clutched the little bear as she descended into sobs once again at the thought of a future without Dylan or Olivia by her side, but rather than try to stem the fall of tears she allowed herself to cry openly for all of the pain of the past four years and for the difficult days yet to come.
Thank you for reading. I found this chapter quite difficult to write, so I hope it wasn't too hard to read. I can't believe we are almost at the end of this fic - just one part left to go. I also can't believe I have been writing all week and we are almost at Sunday 29th January 2012, in both real life and this story, and you can all find out whether your guesses about Dylan have been correct.
Reviews, as always, are welcome. Chapter 7 will be up on Sunday morning. Callie x