Author's Note~ Hey you guys, so here's the next part of the story, please please please keep reviewing! I'm really pleased with the response I've received so far from it :]
Two months later had gone by. Each month that gone by since Marni's death had been easier and easier, but I think it still hurt Nathan greatly. Shilo was eighteen months old and growing up fast. Cooper was also growing up quickly, at six months old now, and I was finally moved in with Nathan and Shilo. It was nice not to have to drive back and forth, especially when my horse was right on the property. One night when we did the final checks on the horses for tonight, I went down to check on Rags only to find him lying on his side in the stall.
"Rags?" I murmured softly, frowning. I could hear groaning breaths coming from him. I knew that horses couldn't breathe as well lying down because of their weight, but there was something about his eyes. I went in, trying to tell myself he was just sleeping. "Honey, you okay?"
Rags lifted his head, trying to reach and nip at his flank, and legs flailed as he rolled violently, causing me to stumble out of the way to avoid getting kicked as my gelding thrashed.
"Nathan!" I yelled out the door, feeling panic bubble up in me. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Nathan came rushing in, slowing as he neared Rags' stall. I could immediately see the concerned yet knowing expression on Nathan's face.
"He's colicking. We've got to get him up." Nathan said as Rags quieted and lay flat on his side. I could hear groaning coming from my horse and it killed me, now knowing it was in pain. "Can you hand me his halter?"
I grabbed Rags' halter off the hook and handed it to Nathan, who slid the nose band over Rags' nose and buckled it on his head.
"C'mon, big guy, we need you up," Nathan coaxed, lightly smacking Rags' haunches to try to spur him into movement. It wasn't working. Rags rolled over onto his belly with a grunt, both front legs out from under him. Nathan tugged at his head to try to get Rags up, and after a few minutes of rocking back and forth, Rags finally heaved himself to his feet.
"We just need to keep him walking, Maggie, walk him up and down the aisle a few times," Nathan said. I was a wreck, but I tried to focus on the fact that Nathan was tense, but he wasn't overly worried. Thank God. He headed into the tack room, pausing before he entered and I saw his head stick out, searching for me. "Did you notice if there was any manure in his stall?"
That might have been the first hint. Now that I thought about it, I hadn't seen any. "No, there wasn't."
"It's probably a block then. I have mineral oil in here and a funnel, plus a tube here somewhere. We may have to tube him to get oil flowing through his system and hopefully it'll loosen the block." He said. He disappeared into the tackroom as I led Rags up the stall aisle. As I came back down, Nathan reappeared from the office with a funnel, rubber tube and the bottle of mineral oil. I could feel Rags' legs buckle behind me and I immediately swung around.
"Rags, no!" I snapped, more out of fear than anything else, lunging toward him. Rags' backpedaled rapidly with a startled snort, scaring the three Thoroughbreds that were farther down the aisle. I couldn't let him get down and roll again. I didn't want to risk Rags twisting an intestine.
"Alright, bring him back in here, honey." I heard Nathan's voice and led Rags down the aisle and back into his stall. Nathan tubed him and poured the oil down the funnel, which Rags didn't appreciate in the least. But after about a half hour of fighting my gelding to finally stand still, we had taken his haynet out of his stall and left him tied with a bucket of water which I had added elecrolytes to within his reach. Nathan and I sat in the corner of the stall, watching him, waiting for the moment of him defecating which would tell us that the oil had done its job and the block had passed. But we weren't sure. If it didn't work, we would have to take him to a vet hospital and the chances of them having to go in and surgically remove the block were high. That option was also highly risky as well.
"Why did this have to happen?" I muttered, dropping my head into my arms and knees which were drawn up to my chest. I could feel Nathan's arm around me, rubbing my back, doing what he could to reassure me.
"We caught it early, sweetheart. I think he'll be fine." He said. But in truth it worried me alot more than it probably should have.
"I can't lose him, Nate, I just can't." I murmured, feeling a lump rise in my throat with the mere emotion of the thought. "What if it doesn't pass? He'll need surgery... God, what if he doesn't make it through that?"
"Hey.... hey, it's alright..." Nathan murmured to me. He pulled me into his arms and I sank against him, trying to blink back tears. I could feel him kiss the top of my head. "We've done what we can. Everything looks fine for the time being, we've done everything we can. We caught it before he could do any real damage to himself. All we can do is sit back and wait. The best thing you can do for him is stay calm and hope for the best."
I nodded slowly, knowing he was right. I stayed in his arms, taking immense comfort from just having him there. We sat in silence for awhile. Something seemed to gradually come over Nathan, something bothering him. I couldn't put my finger on what it was.
"I came across a box of Marni's things earlier," He said softly. I lifted my head. It was the first time I'd heard him talk about Marni in awhile.
"What was in it?" I asked, my tone gentle. I knew if he was about to talk about this, the best thing to do was let him. Pushing him into speaking further about it would just make him shut down.
"Old pictures, frames, a few ribbons from before," He said softly. "She had a few pictures from our wedding in there, as well as Shilo's sonogram pictures. Going through the pictures was... painful. to say the least,"
"Of course," I said quietly, striaghtening but still kept my arms around Nathan. "You miss her, that's perfectly normal."
"I know," He said quietly. "And I do, I just... a day doesn't go by that I don't blame myself for what happened."
"Nathan... " I murmured, searching his face but watching as he lowered his head slightly. "It wasn't your fault, honey. None of it was."
He didn't say anything, but I saw him swallow and blink a few times, turning his head for a moment. I slid my arms further around him, kissing the side of his head. "Come here, sweetheart,"
He sank into my arms witht he side of his head against my shoulder. I held him gently, stroking his hair, wanting to reassure him the best I could. It took my mind off of what was going on with my horse, which I was grateful for. I kissed the side of his head, running my hand gently up and down Nathan's back. I felt his arms tighten around me and the exhale that left him.
"I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you, too, Mag," He murmured. "In truth, I'm scared. It terrifies me that I've invested myself in this, and the mere thought of losing you due to something I might do to screw things up. I'm already struggling to raise Shilo myself, I just.... I couldn't....
"Shh... I know, sweetheart," I murmured to him. "Nathan, you won't ever lose me. There's absolutely nothing you could possibly do that would make me turn away from you now. You're my life. I'll always be here."
We sat there for another ten minutes or so. I took great comfort in holding Nathan in my arms, knowing that I was of some comfort to him as well. Before long, we saw Rags lift his tail and with a groan, relieved himself. I've never been so happy to see horse manure in all my life. I wanted to stay down there for the night and watch over him, but Nathan wasn't about to let me do that by myself, so instead, he lay a futon out in the loft overlooking Rags' stall. After going up to the house to change, I came back to Nathan trying to nudge Cooper up the ladder. It was a sight to behold, and I don't think I've laughed harder in my life. On the last three steps, Cooper refused to budge. Nathan cupped the German Shepherd puppy's haunches and pushed him up the rest of the way and Cooper scrambled up the remainder of it, flopping down on the futon as though he was entitled. When I had moved in with Nathan, there was no need for me to bring my horse, he was already there, but my cat and dog came with me. Georgia, however, decided to stay as far away from the barn as humanly possible.
Having come back wearing boxer shorts and a large t-shirt, I spotted Nathan wearing sweats and a grey t-shirt of his own and moved up the ladder to the loft to join him. I lay on my back and he joined me, lying down beside me, turning over on his side and his eyes searched my face.
"You're gorgeous, Maggie," He said softly. His words warmed my heart, but I just didn't see it.
"Even in sweats and no makeup on?" I teased gently, feeling him brush the shorter lengths of my hair away from my face. I gently trailed my hand down his jaw, searching his olive green eyes. To me, Nathan couldn't have been more gorgeous himself. I couldn't believe how lucky I was..
"Even more so," He said with a smile. I could feel his hand slide partially up the front of my shirt to settle at my side, the warmth of his hand against my bare skin, gently running alongside my stomach. His touch was gentle, loving, and the next thing I know he lay back down with his head against my collarbone with a contented sigh. I grinned, wrapping my arms around him, cherishing the feeling of having him so near to me.
Rags wound up pulling through fine, much to my relief. The next day, we decided we were going to have to start working with the Thoroughbreds. The idea of me getting on one of them was enough to send Nathan into cardiac arrest, so I figured roundpen work would be my best bet for the time being. I finished up with Bank on Silver and had her in the crossties grooming her as Nathan pulled up in the truck with a number of bags of feed and hay bales in arm.
"We don't have horses. We have four around-the-clock eating machines. That's what we have," Nathan deadpanned, getting into the bed of the truck, bringing feedbag after feedbag into the feedroom and started unloading the hay bales into hay storage. I took a rag out of the grooming kit and rubbed Bank on Silver's face, clearing any crusties from her eyes and wiping her nose. She was filling out well, and I had to say I was growing quite fond of her.
"She has a snip on her nose, a tiny little pink thing," I commented, tickling the filly's muzzle. "I never noticed that before."
Nathan stopped mid stride as he made his way to the feedroom, casting a glance in my direction. "Uh oh. You're becoming attached, aren't you?"
"No." I protested, then paused as I smoothed her forelock. "Maybe."
I heard Nathan chuckle and set the bag down, and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, kissing the side of my neck.
"Maggie, I told you not to get attached," He murmured sympathetically, leaning his chin on my shoulder. I leaned gently back against his chest, laying my arms over his. Bank on Silver, who wasn't keen on the idea that the attention was no longer on her, craning her neck and lipped at my wrist.
"I know, but I couldn't help it," I admitted, laying the side of my head against his chest and neck. I could feel him draw a breath and exhale slowly behind me.
"We've still got alot of time with these three. Who knows, they might wind up being permenant residents."
Two more months had gone by and the horses were coming along wonderfully. Four months of training had really done the Thoroughbreds good. It had been eight months since Marni's death, and around that for me and Nathan and our relationship. Shilo was twenty-months old now, almost two years old, and Cooper had just turned eight months old. But tragedy struck when I came downstairs one morning and saw Nathan sitting at the kitchen table, the cordless phone in front of him, his head leaning against one of his hands, staring at the table in front of him. I made my way down and moved around him, sliding an arm around to his opposite shoulder in an affectionate manner. Cooper was lying by the staircase, watching me move into the kitchen without much thought.
"Hey," I murmured gently, realising that something was wrong, that Nathan was upset. "What is it, honey?"
Nathan drew a breath and I moved nearer to him, running my hand up and down his back. "That was my father. My mom... my mom was killed in a car accident a few hours ago. They just discovered her car. It was a head-on collision, the guy in the other car was drunk."
"Oh, my God, Nathan... " I was speechless, in a complete state of shock. Nathan didn't say a word. I assumed he was in shock still, that it hadn't sunk in yet. But I knew I had to be there for him. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry,"
I put my arms around him and hugged him, stroking his hair, feeling his upper half sink against me as his head lowered to my collarbone. I didn't know what else I could say. Nathan had just lost a parent in a tragic accident. I heard a shaky exhale leave him and held him tighter, not wanting him to think he was going to have to go through this on his own.
"How's your father doing?" I asked him, kissing the top of his head. I could feel Nathan's arm go around me.
"Like my father always is. I'm sure he's hurting, but he's not showing any sign of it," Nathan murmured. I didn't let go of him, giving him someone to hold him during this. I remembered when my own parents died. This wasn't about to be an easy thing for him to endure. "I can't... I can't even believe it."
"I know, sweetheart, I know," I murmured to him, gently rubbing his back. "Do you want to go see your father?"
I caught Nathan's eye and immediately recognised the look, remembering that Nathan hadn't spoken to his parents since Marni died. I knew how hard it was going to be for him, but I also knew he probably needed to.
"You should, Nate," I told him gently. "It might be good for the both of you."
He lifted his head slightly, but lay his hand over my arm and looked up in my direction. "Will you come with me?"
"Of course, sweetheart," I assured him, kissing the top of his head. I held him for a few moments, knowing it was probably something he needed. After a few moments, he straightened and slowly stood, clearing his throat.
"I think I'm going to go lie down for a little bit," He said softly. I nodded slowly. I could only imagine what he was being put through.
"Alright, call me if you need anything," I said gently. He nodded slowly, turning, and then slid his arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. I wrapped my arms around his waist in a hug for a moment before releasing him and watching him trudge upstairs. I turned my head as Shilo caught my attention with her babbling. She was trying to learn how to talk but it just consisted of incoherent noises and sounds. She was getting there, though. Moving into the family room, I scooped her up from the play pen and held her. When I moved toward it though, I noticed Cooper was lying right beside it, an ever watchful guardian. It started to sink in just how attached the eight month old Shepherd was getting to the little girl.
"Hello, sweetheart," I crooned to Shilo, finding myself studying her face, and just how much she looked like Marni. I bounced her gently, watching a smile spread across her little face and the giggles that spewed forth. After about ten minutes of playing with her, I set her back down in the playpen and cast a gaze upstairs. I wanted to see how Nathan was coping, just how he was doing, but I didn't want to wake him if he was asleep. Moving toward the stairs, I headed up slowly, with Cooper at my heels.
"Cooper, no. Go down and see Shilo," I said. Cooper cast me a glance but grudgingly went back downstairs. I felt bad, but I wanted to go in and see Nathan. The last thing he would need was a sixty-six-pound German Shepherd joining in. The bedroom door was closed and after knocking quietly, I slowly opened the door, seeing nothing but darkness and Nathan's form on the bed.
"Nathan? Are you awake?" I said softly, just loud enough that if he was awake, he could hear me, but if he was asleep it wouldn't disturb him. Nathan didn't move, at least not from what I saw.
"Yes," He responded, though his voice was almost saddened, hurt, and I could see him turn his head toward me slightly, curled up. He was still in the t-shirt and jeans he had been wearing from what I could tell. I closed the door behind me and moved slowly into the room.
"How're you doing?" I asked softly, sitting down on the edge of his side of the bed beside him. Nathan shrugged, lifting a hand and gently ran it up and down my forearm slowly, as though wanting some kind of contact with somebody.
"Could be better I suppose," He murmured. I gently brushed a bit of his hair off his forehead. "How's Shilo?"
"She's good, sweetheart, she's downstairs. I was playing with her for a bit," I told him, laying a hand on his upper arm. I could see his green eyes searching mine before they lowered for a moment and he nodded slowly, then glanced back up at me.
"Lie down with me for a little bit?" He asked quietly. There was no way I could have denied him that.
"Of course, sweetheart," I responded gently. I moved so I was on the other side of him and his back was to me. I slid my arms around his waist, kissing the back of his neck. I could feel him settling against me and lay his arms over my own.
"Thank you," He murmured, almost inaudibly. For a moment, his voice sounded like it was cracking. I knew that the 'thank you' was for just the fact that I was staying with him, that he had someone there. I lay the side of my head gently against his neck, wrapping my arms slightly tighter around him.
"Of course, sweetheart," I told him. My thumb gently stroked an area of his stomach. "I'm always going to be there for you, Nathan. I promise."
He was holding so much back, I could feel it in him. Obviously he was still in shock over the death of his mother. But I knew Nathan. I knew he would hold it in until he broke down completely. I didn't want to see him endure that but I knew nothing I did was going to stop it. All I could do was hold him and be there for him as much as I could, which was exactly what I did as I lay beside him, my arms gently tightened around his waist. He turned in my arms and wrapped his own around me, drawing me to him. I could feel his face bury itself against the side of my neck and hair, plus the heavy exhale he gave.
"It's alright, sweetheart... it's alright," I murmured to him. I gently ran my hand up and down his back, trying to soothe him the best I could. I knew he was upset, but he was doing what he could to keep it together. That was probably going to change after he saw his father. When Marni died, Nathan hadn't been able to speak to either of his parents. He just couldn't bring himself to face them and tell them what happened. He was so burdened by guilt that the accident was his fault that he just couldn't face them. But it may have done more harm than good, especially now that he found out his mother ha dbeen killed in a car accident. I knew his dad wasn't about to be kind to him, either. I lay with Nathan, rubbing his back until he fell asleep, feeling his body leaning lightly against me. I held him close, not wanting to let go.
The following morning when Nathan and I were up, getting ready to go to Nathan's father's house, I looked up at my boyfriend and surveyed what was in front of me. Nathan wore a grey button-up dress shirt and black slacks. With a cup of coffee in front of him, he was leaning against the island counter looking over the newspaper, one hand shoved in his pocket. His green eyes were fixed on the paper behind his glasses, but there was a tension in his body, one that I knew was caused by the stress of what he was about to go do. I moved into the kitchen, approaching from behind him and slid my arms around his waist from behind, kissing the back of his shoulderblade before setting my chin on his shoulder. Nathan turned his head, kissing the side of my own before straightening, turning to gently pull me into his arms. I hugged him tightly, feeling him burying his face against my hair and felt him draw a breath and exhale heavily. I knew he was nervous, uneasy, and beyond tense. This was probably going to be one of the few moments today before interacting with his father that I could get him to still calm down a bit and turn to me. After this I knew he would be almost impossible to get through to until this whole thing was over.
"It'll be okay, honey," I murmured to him, kissing the side of his head. Nathan didn't say anything but nodded slowly in response before he gently pulled away, running a hand through his hair.
"We ready to go?" He asked. I nodded.
"Yeah, I just need to put Cooper in the laundryroom and we'll leave."
I locked Cooper in the laundryroom with his open crate, water and dry food, plus a couple of toys to keep him occupied and tried to ignore the perpetual scratching and whining he caused from behind the door. I met Nathan in the kitchen and we left. The whole car ride there, Nathan was absolutely rigid. I lay my hand on his wrist with a gentle squeeze, seeing his eyes lower to it then find mine with a thin smile. But I knew his attention was elsewhere.
We pulled up at Nathan's parents' house. I heard Nathan exhale slowly, heavily, and he got out of the car, coming around and opening my door for me. As I got out, he shut the door behind me and we slowly made our way to the front door. I lay my hand on the back of his shoulder.
"It'll be alright, sweetheart," I assured him softly. He turned his head slightly in my direction and I knew he was taking in what I said, even if he didn't lift his eyes. "I'm right here,"
Nathan's body seemed to relax and I felt him put his arm around me, pulling me close to him. I wrapped my arm around his waist in return and we went to the front door. Nathan slowly and gently pulled away but stayed near me. Eventually, Grayor Wallace opened the door. Even though Nathan's father was in his early seventies, he looked so much older, like had aged over ten years since yesterday. His eyes were dull, looked haggard and exhausted. But his eyes hardened when he took a look at Nathan.
"I'm surprised you came," Grayor said. I could tell Nathan had been prepared to hug his father in consolation, but now he appeared to have thought against it. Nathan met his father's gaze.
"You think I wouldn't?" He responded. "Dad, I wouldn't have just ignored this."
"You ignored your family for the past eight months, how would we know?" Grayor responded, his tone terse. He cast a glance in my direction, his crass demeanor seeming to falter in the very slightest. As callous as Grayor had always been, I knew he was still, to an extent, a gentleman, and knowing him being like this while a woman was around was not something he was about to do. He had treated Emily Wallace like his queen. "Come in."
Both Nathan and I entered the house and followed Grayor into the living room, which was actually very elaborate. I knew Nathan's family had money. Nathan had a fairly decent time getting into med school. Had they not I don't think Nathan would have pursued that career. Immediately my gaze fell upon the polished wood bar where a bottle of Black Label scotch sat; open and almost half empty. I glanced in Grayor's direction and saw the glass he had put on the table. I studied his movements for a moment, realising that the unsteadiness and almost careless motions were alcohol induced. My stomach tightened. The man was belligerent as it was. With the death of his wife and now after he had been drinking? I dreaded how this was going to turn out. Glancing at me out of the corner of his eye, Nathan must have caught me looking, because his eyes shot to the bar where the bottle sat and then darted to his father. I could see Nathan's expression change. He knew.
"What's the real reason you came, Nathan?" Grayor said, sitting down in a chair across from us as Nathan and I sat down on the couch. Nathan's brow furrowed.
"Dad, really," He responded, his tone light but nonetheless exasperated, a bit taken aback. What other reason could he possibly have had to see his father? "I wanted to see how you were holding up. I mean... with Mom's death--"
"You have no god-forsaken idea, do you?" Grayor cut him off, his eyes boring into Nathan's. My hand went to Nathan's back. We sat near enough to each other where it couldn't have been noticed. But one way or another I wanted Nathan to know that he wasn't facing this alone. That someone was on his side. "How often did your mother get into the car and drive?"
"Not-- not very often," Nathan said uneasily, though immediately on the defensive.
"Do you know how badly she wanted so see you? How much she missed you?" Grayor continued. I saw immediate realisation come across Nathan's face, which paled at the same time as though something had just dawned on him.
"No... "
"Yes." Grayor responded, his tone harsh. "Your mother wouldn't have gotten in the car for any other reason but to see you. She finally couldn't take it anymore. She missed you. Missed you horribly. After what you did I can't imagine why she would. I told her she would be going by herself."
Nathan's eyes had been fixated on the table in front of us, almost agonisingly stunned. He was in shock, but as Grayor said what he did, Nathan lifted his eyes. I could see hurt like I've never seen before in his face as he stared at his father. "You let her go by herself? When you knew she wasn't comfortable in the car?"
"If you had actually come to see us, that decision wouldn't have had to be decided," Grayor shot back. "Rather than tearing yourself away from your family. The ones who might have ever loved you, except for that girl who was killed.
"Then again it looks like you got over that quickly," He continued, motioning toward me with his head. I drew back in astonishment, as though I had just been slapped. Nathan's hand immediately went to my knee almost protectively.
"Keep her out of this," Nathan responded, his tone now terse. "Mag was Marni's best friend."
Grayor barked a laugh.
"I hope you realise how that sounds, Nathan," He said, his tone cruel. Nathan's eyes narrowed and I could see his jaw set.
"Nathan, don't... " I quickly had to stop him from responding, because I knew whatever he was about to say would only fuel the fire. I turned my gaze to Grayor, keeping my hand on his back. He gently squeezed my knee. I knew at this point, though, that he was going to take any kind of verbal lashing his father was about to inflict on him, any sort of abuse, but he wans't going to let it be directed to me.
"Mr. Wallace," I began, glancing at Nathan, trying to keep at least some peace in this confrontation. "I'm so sorry for your loss, I really am. It's a horrible thing to have happen, especially so suddenly. But Nathan lost someone, too, we both did, when Marni died. Emily was someone you both lost. It was his only way of coping at the time--"
"Magdalene, sweetheart," Grayor cut me off. "You're with a man who clearly is far more damaged by things that have happened that's really understood. The loss you endured, yes, was horrendous. But Nathan was partially the reason for his mother's death, only because she had been driving out to see him. There is one hell of a vicious cycle here, because the death of his wife caused him to shut down, to close himself off, and in the long run tortured his mother. She drove out there to see him and was killed in the process."
"Dad... please.... " Nathan's voice was hoarse. He couldn't even bring himself to look at Grayor. His father was hitting every single fear and weakness, everything that had ultimately broken Nathan's heart and had made him see himself as a monster, and it was as though torturing his son was making Grayor feel better about what happened. Blaming someone else always seemed easier.
"You turned your back on your family, Nathan," Grayor said, his tone angry. "How could you live with yourself? Was mourning the death of your wife to that degree really worth losing your family? You've lost two people now. This could have been prevented. The death of my wife could have been prevented. Unlike Marni's, who seemed to insist on riding a lame horse through a cross-country course. You're the vet, didn't you catch it? Didn't you do anything to stop her?"
"Mr. Wallace, that's enough!" I was astonished that a father could possibly have said that to his son. It was still a healing wound for me as well, and to hear him speaking of Marni... of his own son like that was about as much as I was I was going to allow. Nathan had shut down, I could see it in his face but he abruptly stood.
"I don't have to listen to another word of this," Nathan muttered, his tone furious, but I could hear his voice crack. I stood slowly and he took me gently by the shoulders and moved me in front of him to head for the door, turning partially to his father.
"There was never once a positive childhood memory for me with you. Not a single one. As a father I hope that eats away at you, because there is nothing you can do to ever fix it."
"I don't give a shit. I did what I could to try to raise you. It isn't my fault that my son grew up to be a cold, hollow, ever-mourning widower,"
"Nathan, let's just go," I said quickly, laying a hand on his chest to try to pull him away, trying to turn him to guide him out. We left without saying a word to Grayor, and walking out to the car, I tried to ascess how Nathan was doing. His expression was blank, frigid, but looked almost defeated. Like he had failed. I knew that was probably what he was feeling.
"Do you want me to drive?" I offered. Nathan shook his head, opening my door for me before I could even touch it.
"No, it's fine," His voice was almost inaudible. He shut my door once I was in, and it was a painfully long five seconds before he went around to the other side and got in the driver's seat. As we pulled away from the house and finally reached the freeway, I glanced in Nathan's direction.
Still blank. As though every emotion, every bit of self-esteem or self-respect had just been beaten out him. It wasn't any kind of blame he was putting on his father, either. Every cruel thing Grayor had said to him Nathan was letting consume him. As though his father was right, as though believed every bit of it. I reached over and took his hand which resided on the consel, and he took mine and squeezed it in response, almost in desperate need for someone to be there. He was feeling like he had indeed almost lost everything and was to blame for it. I was sure of it.
"Nathan, none of what your father said was true," I said softly, gently stroking along his hand with my thumb. He didn't say anything, just shook his head. I could see his adams apple dip up and down as he swallowed, his jaw clenching once then releasing as though willing his body some other distraction rather than the pain I was sure he was enduring. His eyes were blank, dry, but just judging by ever movement, every little change in his expression, I could almost swear he was near tears. His only response was to squeeze my hand gently in return, which was how I knew that he had acknowledged what I said. But his mind was still beating him up. As though what he took from his father wasn't enough, I knew Nathan could be his own worst enemy. And sometimes his own worst enemy knew more of the weak points to hit than anyone else did. I didn't know if I should have touched him, done anything else to try to reassure. Something about his mood at this point made it seem as though even talking to him was treading on thin ice.
But I didn't let go of his hand. One way or another, I was there and I wasn't going anywhere. I wanted to make sure he knew that. That was one thing he could depend on, the fact that I was never going to leave his side. We finally got back to the house, and I went with Nathan to the side door where the kitchen was. Shilo was still asleep, at least from what we assumed, and I could hear the wild scratching and excited high pitched moaning whine of Cooper dying to get out of the laundry room to greet us with unrelenting enthusiasm. I went to let him in and Nathan went upstairs to check on Shilo. What concerned me was that he still hadn't said a word. The very second I let Cooper out from where he was sequestered to the laundryroom, he ploughed toward me, sliding his body along my legs, so excited, his tail bludgeoning my leg.
"Hello! Ohh you're just so excited," I crooned to him in a high pitched voice, which sent him into complete fits. I straightened, hearing the jingle of Cooper's tags as he shook himself, and at that point, I turned and made my way upstairs. As I moved down the hallway, I could see Shilo's room with the door partially open. I peered inside, seeing a male form bent over the side of the crib to tuck the little girl in. Probably just to see her as well.
"She asleep?" I asked in a volume that was just above a whisper. Nathan turned his head to look over his shoulder at me and nodded, slowly straightening.
"Yeah," He responded quietly. "She didn't move when I walked in."
With one last lingering look at Shilo he turned and headed toward the door toward me. As he moved somewhat past me, I tried to search his face, walking with him with a hand on his back. He cleared his throat, wrapping an arm around my shoulders in response, turning his head and kissed the top of my head. His hold was almost desperate, wanting someone there. I wrapped my arm around his waist as we turned and headed back downstairs. When we reached the living room, Nathan gently pulled away, moving to sit down on the couch. He slowly sank down, his elbows on his knees, hunched forward, running both hands through his hair with what sounded like a slightly wavering exhale. Letting his hands drop for a moment and his head lift, his eyes lifted to me for the briefest moment; saddened, alone. My heart went out to him. I moved to the couch to sit down.
"Oh, Nathan," I murmured, moving next to him. I wrapped one arm around the back of him to his waist, the other hand setting on his other side. I kissed the back of his shoulder, gently running my hand up and down his side which was closest to me. He still said nothing, but his head leaned gently against mine, with his shoulder and part of his body doing so as well. I joined him in silence, decided that if he wanted to talk, he would say something first. For the time being, silence was most likely the best thing for him. I stayed beside him, still gently running my hand up and down his side, kissing his shoulder, this time with my lips lingering against his shoulder, eventually with my chin lightly against it.
"What he said was true," I could barely hear him when he spoke, but I understood that part. His voice was hoarse, cracked, almost lifeless. "My mother's death was my fault. I shut them both out because I couldn't bring myself to face them. Admitting Marni was dead made it real, and I couldn't face that at that time. It was rational, or at least... to me at the time. If I hadn't... my mom would still be alive. She died because of me."
His voice broke and I could barely see his eyes welling, as much as he tried desperately to push it back and fight it. I shook my head, wanting so badly to reassure him otherwise. I was sure that wasn't the case. It wasn't Nathan's fault. But his father had pointed out far too much for him to accept otherwise, and I was sure he wouldn't anytime soon.
"Nathan, it wasn't your fault," I said softly, wrapping my arms around him. "None of it was. What your father said was in no way true. He never should have said something like that. You didn't know. Nobody could have known what was going to happen."
"It had to have been, though," Nathan murmured, lowering his head. "She wouldn't have gone out for any other reason. My mother hated driving. And if my dad wasn't about to go, she was going to do whatever it took. Jesus... it was. If that was the case who's to say Marni's death wasn't my fault, either? I could have stopped her and I didn't."
His voice broke again, his breathing somewhat uneven. I suddenly realised just how much he was holding back, and that his mother's death and what his father said was just adding to it. I straightened slightly, keeping my furthest hand at his waist, and the one that was around him moved to his back.
"Nathan, you were not to blame for Marni's death. In no way, shape or form," I told him, my tone gentle but firm. He gave a heavy, abrupt exhale, lowering his head, bringing his hand almost to rub his eyes. He was trying so hard not to fall apart, I could feel it in him. I ran my hand gently up and down his back, staying near him. I knew he was reaching his breaking point. He needed to cry, needed to mourn the death of his mother. He hadn't even had the chance to do that. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel like he was alone, or end up doing it alone, either.
"It's alright, Nathan," I murmured, still gently rubbing his back before I wrapped my arms around him once more, feeling him lean toward me. I kissed the side of his head. "If you need to let go, you can. I'm right here, you're safe,"
I could feel Nathan's arms wrap around my waist, and his head slowly lowered to my collarbone, letting me hold him. A quiet, suppressed sob left him, and I knew he was letting himself go.
"I should have talked to her.... " Nathan murmured, his voice broken, following with another choked sob. I didn't say anything, just tightened my arms around him and held him. My lips lingered at the top of his head, stroking his hair at the same time. Nathan broke down, and I could feel each quiet sob through the heaving of his back and shoulders. I wasn't about to let go of him. I knew the only thing I could possibly do was sit with him, hold him, and let him cry. He needed to let go of the grief, with someone there who he trusted and who he knew wasn't going to be critical, wasn't going to betray him in any way. It was a vulnerability that I had seen in him before, and not once had I done anything but comforted him the best I could.
He sobbed in my arms for the next ten minutes or so. There was so much pent up that I knew he was going to let go of at some point. Had he waited it would have probably been at a time he least expected it. At least I let him do it, gave him someone to do it to and at a time that I knew was right for him. His hold on me tightened, not wanting to let me go. The one thing he needed was for someone to hold on to, and that was exactly what I wanted to give him. After a few more moments of rubbing his back, trying to help steady his breathing, I could feel it start to quiet. He felt almost limp in my arms, emotionally exhausted, yet his arms remained around me. I gently stroked his hair. I didn't say a word. Silence seemed like it was appreciated the most usually.
"I love you so much," Nathan murmured, his voice still somewhat broken, almost inaudible. I lowered my head to kiss the top of his own.
"I love you, too, sweetheart," I murmured, still stroking his hair. "So much."
He didn't pull away. I assumed he wasn't ready to so I still held him. Gradually, his breathing became even again, and I could feel his thumb gently stroking along a section of my back. The touch was affectionate, and I knew to recognise it as his gratitude toward me for letting him break and being there with him to hold him the entire time. I don't think anyone had ever done that.
"God... the horses.... " Nathan muttered, wiping his eyes from under his glasses with his thumb and index finger, straightening slowly.
"No, don't even think about it," I insisted, laying a hand on his arm. "You're exhausted, Nate. You've been through enough. I can go down and feed the horses. You go upstairs, take a hot shower or something, and go lie down. I'll come up and join you when I get done."
Nathan opened his mouth as though he was going to protest. I was having none of it.
"No. I'm not taking no for an answer. Go." I proceeded, unrelenting. I narrowed my eyes in gentle playfulness, shooting him a look. "Don't argue with me, either."
That brought a thin smile to Nathan's face. He shook his head with a light scoff, slowly standing. His hand went around to the back of my head and gently drew it toward him, kissing the top of my head.
"I'll see you upstairs?" He said. Before he could walk away, I turned, bringing a hand to the side of his face to draw him back, kissing him briefly in return.
"Yes," I murmured against his lips. "I'll be right up there,"
My hand slid down to his hip as I felt him give my shoulder a gentle squeeze, letting my hand slide off as he turned and headed for the stairs. At that point, I turned and looked at Cooper, who caught my eye, cocking his head, those huge satellite-like ears pricked intently.
"Wanna go outside and see the horsies?" I crooned, a higher pitch to my voice with added enthusiasm. Cooper stood almost immediately, that tail going full-throttle. As I stood to head for the back door he was right at my side, and I reached for his leash. He was still young, and although he had quite a bit of training behind him, I just didn't trust that he was going to shoot off after some little creature and completely ignore my calls to stay put. What scared me more was him running into the road. We headed down to the barn and as soon as I walked in, I was greeted by throaty whickers and dark eyes peering at me from over stall doors. All five sets of ears were pricked, except for Dragonada on the far end who decided to swing her head around at Kilkenny Creek, threatening with pinned ears and bared teeth to take a chunk out of his nose. Kilkenny Creek yanked his head to the side, rolling his eye with a "W-T-F" look in the filly's direction, but he wasn't about to get his head close enough to find out why.
"Don't make me seperate you two," I warned, swatting lightly at Dragonada's muzzle, but the filly flung her head up before I could actually get her. I saw both Uther and Rags' heads draped over the stall door, too. Uther seemed to be calming down quite a bit. With his huge appearance, and the fact that he was still a stallion, there was a regal quality to him, almost a old wisdom the way he watched things, not reacting except for a subtle change in his expression, turning ears, and that was it. As I walked by him and Rags, I greeted them both with forehead rubs and scratches, heading toward the feed room. it was strange being down here without Nathan, an area where he was usually a presence with me down here, but there was no way I would have let him come down to help me. Not after everything he'd been through tonight and how much it had taken out of him. Feeding took about fifteen minutes and as soon as I was done, I checked waters, blanketed, made sure they were all settled, then headed back up to the house with Cooper's leash in hand, him trotting at my side.
I got back up to the house and let Cooper off the leash as soon as I walked in. I headed up the stairs to the hallway, peeking in Shilo's room briefly before I continued toward the closed door of Nathan's and my bedroom. Knocking gently, I expected him to have been asleep by now, almost reserved about going in and waking him, but I could hear the shower running. I opened the door, glancing in the open bathroom and could see a bluured sillouette of Nathan's naked torso from behind the glass in the shower. He hadn't seen me come in. With a grin, I figured I'd surprise him. Slipping out of my jeans, unzipping the vest I wore and pulling off the long-sleeved shirt under it, I moved inside, knocking lightly on the glass before reaching for the clasp of my bra. Nathan turned his head in my direction and I could barely make out the thin smile on his face.
"Want company?" I asked with a grin as soon as he opened up the shower door, finally undoing the clasp on my bra, but saw his eyes trail up and down my frame for the briefest second.
"You think I could say no to that?" He teased gently, but I could tell in the tone of his voice that he was tired. I knew that we weren't going to be doing anything in the shower, that hadn't been my plan to begin with. I just wanted to be with him, and knew he probably needed someone there. Finally stripping down, I joined him in the shower and shut the door behind us. I draped my arms gently around his neck and felt his lightly go around my waist. He kissed me, a long, slow movement that I immediately matched, closing my eyes. I combed my fingers gently through the back of his wet hair, the warmth of the water and his body near mine created an incredible thing. A moment of closeness, the complete bond that we shared. He gently broke the kiss and I could feel him kissing along my neck. He was gentle, his mannerisms nothing but loving. His hands, travelling down to settle at my waist, one hand by my hip with his thumb gently brushing over it, were gentle. Nathan was never rough. I had never known him to be. My arms moved down from around his neck, feeling him gently breaking the kiss and searching my face for a moment. I lifted my eyes to his, running my hands slowly past his shoulder and down to his chest. At first, I had been uneasy about it. He had seen me naked, but barely. Usually the lights were off, or at least there was only a bit of light, but in here the lights of the bathroom made everything visible. I had felt vulnerable, just completely exposed, but he treated me as though I was the most treasured thing in his life. He looked at me as though he loved me, and a lump rose in my throat because I knew that was true. I knew he loved me, and I loved him. I had always loved him, and now, moments like this didn't even seem real. Spending so long longing for someone and now to have this, know that you held their heart just as they held yours, it was an incredible, emotional thing. Nathan moved his hands upward to cup my face in both his hands. I lowered my eyes for a moment, feeling the warm water still beating down on the both of us. He kissed the top of my head and my arms gently went around his waist. He held me to him, and I turned my head to kiss his chest before laying the side of it agains his chest. He lowered his face to the crook of my neck, and I could feel him exhale. I ran my nails up and down his bare back gently, feeling him stroking the back of my hair.
He merely tightened his arms around me, hugging me, as though I was the last thing he held near and dear. There was an almost desperation to his hold on me, as though afraid I would slip away. I knew that the death of his mother and his father's cruel comments had broken his heart, now wanting so badly to be loved by someone, and I tightened my own arms around him, promising my love, affection and support. Always. He would never lose me, ever.
We finally had gotten out of the shower and into the bedroom to change. Wrapping a towel around my still wet hair, I changed into a pair of flannel pajama pants and a black t-shirt, squeezing the towel to try to soak up as much of the water as I could. In navy blue and forest green plaid boxer shorts and a grey t-shirt, Nathan moved slowly to his side of the bed, pulling back the covers and crawled in, his movements and landing more of a sluggish flop, curling up on his side. I went around to the other side of the bed and got in beside him, lying partially on my back while moving my furthest hand, running it up and down his upper arm in a soothing notion. Nathan opened his eyes and inched nearer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and gently settled his head against my shoulder and partial collarbone. I loved the feeling of the weight of his body against mine, as though he was leaning on me, needing my support, everything I could possibly give him and that I was more than willing to give him. I wrapped my arms around him, turning my head to kiss the top of his, gently stroking his hair while tilting the side of my cheekbone against the top of his head. I had glanced down to see his eyes closed. I could feel the pattern of his breathing, and he just seemed unsettled. When he opened his eyes, he seemed to stir slightly.
"Shh... try to sleep, sweetheart," I murmured to him. I gently brushed a bit of his hair back from his forehead, my nails gently running through his hair and the side of his head. "I'm right here,"
He stared forward for a few seconds before I watched his eyes slowly close once more. Within five minutes or so, I could feel his chest rising and falling in a steady pattern, and knew that he had fallen asleep. I continued to gently stroke his hair, eventually moving my hand to run up and down his back, wanting to keep the same pattern of doing everything I could to soothe him, to keep him asleep, to keep him knowing that someone was right there for him.