AN Hey you guys, sorry it took me so long to get the next chapter up. PLEASE, R&R! :D
About two days had gone by since learning about Nathan's mother's death. He seemed to be coping with it alright, but I knew he was still hurting. That was obvious, and expected, and what his father had said to him wasn't about to make things any easier, either. I led Dragonada out of the roundpen. I wanted to work on some ground work with her but I had her fully tacked up. Even though she was broke, as all three of the Thoroughbreds we fostered were, I figured starting from scratch would be the best way to go about re-training her. It was cold, especially early in the morning. Nathan was heading over from the house, moving toward the roundpen.
"Hey," I glanced his way, trying to ascess just how he was doing. "How're you doing?"
"I'm alright," He responded, moving toward the gate and leaned against it to watch. "You're not going to do what I think you're going to do, are you?"
By that question I knew he was referring to the fact that Dragonada was tacked, thinking I might get on her. I wanted to at some point, but knew that she was extremely high-strung for one and me getting on her when that was still an issue was just too much for him to handle.
"No, I'm not." I assured him, "But you know I'm going to have to get on her at some point."
"I know," He responded, studying the filly. "I'm just hoping for it to be prolonged."
I'm not sure what caused it, what noise Dragonada heard, but in about ten seconds she was airborn. She spun on her haunches with a wild snort, and in the midst of her yanking the leadrope right out of my hands, a back hoof was fired in my direction, making direct contact with my hip. A sharp pain shot through my entire thigh, almost up to my pelvis, intense enough to give me double vision for half a second, immediately knocking me to the ground.
"Mag!" Nathan hadn't even bothered to open the gate to get into the roundpen, he had gone clean up and over the gate and was on the other side. I was on my feet in a matter of seconds.
"I'm fine! I'm fine-" I tried to get Nathan to keep a level head, but at this point that wasn't happening.
"And you wonder why I didn't want you riding one of them?" Nathan's voice was tight. "Stupid, brainless animal..."
"Nathan, I've got her," I said, hobbling over to where Dragonada had finally come to a stop. We had watched her run lap after lap at a break-neck gallop. I dreaded what might happen, especially when all I could think of was what would happen if she stepped on the reins. "Easy, easy, sweetie... "
"Mag, honey are you insane?" Nathan's voice was almost panicked, quickly moving past me. "You just got kicked. Go back to the barn and go sit down, I can take her."
"Nathan, it's fine, I've got her-" I protested.
"-Go." Nathan turned and shot me a rigid look. It was a combination of terror, panic and relief all at the same time as well. There are few expressions made by Nathan that I know not to argue with and that's one of them. But there was something else. I knew this wasn't just another incident. This genuinely scared him. Without a word, I turned and hobbled toward the barn. I was beginning to feel worse and worse about what happened. Moments later, almost a few behind me once I finally reached the barn, Nathan showed up, leading Dragonada. I could tell by his posture that he was upset, shaken, annoyed, and not approachable. But that wasn't going to stop me.
"Nathan, I didn't know she was going to kick," I said softly. Nathan didn't look at me.
"Neither of us did," He responded, his voice tight as he clipped Dragonada into the crossties, moving to undo the girth. His response only made me feel worse.
"I'm sorry, honey, I know it scared you,"
"Don't be." He said, almost shortly. I recoiled slightly.
"Nathan, it turned out alright. It could have been worse." I continued trying. "But we came out of it alright. The filly wasn't hurt, I wasn't hur-"
"You weren't hurt?" Nathan's response abrupt enough to startle me as his eyes shot upward at me, pulling the saddle off of Dragonada. "You were just kicked in the hip, Mag, what do you mean you weren't hurt? And do not tell me 'it could have been worse', we're lucky it wasn't. A little bit higher, she could have kicked you in the head. You could have been killed. I don't consider that alright, I'm sorry if you do. But you're right, I guess it 'could have been worse.'."
"Why are you blaming me for this?" I responded, annoyed. I didn't do anything wrong. Why was he coming after me for this? "It wasn't anybody's fault. It wasn't mine, it wasn't the horse's, accident's happen."
"You're right, it wasn't anybody's fault. It couldn't have been prevented. That's exactly what I'm saying, and it goes right back to why I didn't want you on one of the Thoroughbreds to begin with. Because we just don't know what's going to happen. We can't stop anything from happening. A disaster can happen at any moment and there's nothing anybody can do to stop it." Nathan dropped the saddle rather roughly, enough to make Dragonada shy to the side. I knew what he was referring to the accident to a degree. But at this point, he already made me defensive. There was no reason for him for him to speak to me like that. At least I didn't think so at the time. Any remorse I had for him was quickly replaced by resentment.
Getting the filly unsaddled, Nathan wouldn't look at me. His shoulders were tense, every movement he made was tense. "I'm going to walk her out and then hose her off. You can go back up to the house or stay down here, whatever you want. I don't care." He muttered, his voice clipped. My eyes narrowed. Now it was getting personal. I was a combination of resentful, hurt, and annoyed.
"What is your problem?" I responded, defensive, "I know it freaked you out, but Nathan, there's no reason to be like this,"
"I'm sorry, I guess I just don't want to watch another person in my life get killed," Nathan responded, his voice calm yet cold. He had stopped for a moment, and now he still wouldn't look at me. The second he responded guilt hit me with a pang. But he kept walking. I shouldn't have said it. The more I thought about it the worse I felt, but I was still annoyed and wasn't about to let him think he was in the right treating me like that. Turning, I limped back up to the house, moving through the front door and went upstairs; which proved to be a bigger task than I thought. At the top of the stairs, I stopped, lifting the hem of my shirt at the side and pushed the waistband of my jeans down slightly to take a look at what damage was done. Sure enough, there was a perfectly shaped hoofprint that had turned and ugly black and blue hue. I knew it would be a massive bruise by morning. Gingerly touching it, I winced upon finding that it was indeed tender. I had to put ice on it before it got worse. Making my way down the hall to our bedroom, I took off the clothes I had been wearing and put on a black tanktop with a pair of black lounge pants. Pulling a hairtie out of the dresser drawer, I scraped my long dark hair back into a messy bun before limping back downstairs. At this rate I was starting to feel like I had just added a good fifty years to my real age, hobbling down into the kitchen like a cripple. Nathan always kept medical gel packs in the freezer, and now I was starting to understand why and appreciate it. Taking one of the gel packs, I carefully slid it under the waistband of my pants against my hip, going to the couch in the living room and laid down on the long side of the corner couch. I pulled the hem of my tanktop up and folded it half over on my chest for easier access, propping myself up slightly on the cushions. I lay the gel pack on my hip, finally settling, with one free hand ready to catch it if it slid, the other hand resting on my stomach. I couldn't get my mind, settled, though. I felt horrible for what happened. Had Nathan and I ever even fought before this?
I had no idea when he was coming back up. A part of me was almost worried he wouldn't for the night. No. It wasn't that bad that he needed to take a night and not come home.
Was it?
After another twenty minutes or so, I heard and saw Cooper get up and rush to the door to greet whoever it was entering. He wasn't barking. I knew it was Nathan.
He came around the side of the couch slowly and I looked up. "Hey, how're you doing?"
"Hey," He responded softly, moving to the wide side of the couch and sat down next to me. "I'm better. Finally got the filly cooled down." I tried to assess his mood at this point. He seemed like he had cooled off a bit, but he still didn't say anything.
"Nathan, I'm sorry," I said softly, glancing his way, "I know you were scared, I should have taken that into consideration, and I didn't."
"No, I'm sorry," He said quietly, shaking his head. "I never should have treated you like that. When it happened, it scared the hell out of me, but at the same time, I was angry. Angry at the fact that it was happening again, something else was threatening the life of another person I loved, and I couldn't do anything about it. I was angry, scared, and shaken up, and I took it out on you. When I heard the crack of her kicking you and watched you drop, the worst was going through my mind. The only thing I could think to do was get out there. My heart was pounding, I didn't know what had happened, and seeing you on the ground even for that short amount of time, all I could see was Marni. All I could think was, 'Oh my God, it's happening again,'"
I didn't know what to say to respond. I searched his face, saw in his eyes just how much what happened had affected him. His eyes and expression were softer, but filled with complete remorse. He turned toward me a bit, his other hand laying itself gently on my other side, his thumb gently stroking along it.
"Forgive me?" He said quietly, almost sadly. "I never wanted to treat you like that, Maggie, I never would have. I had absolutely no right. I was scared, but I feel like a monster."
"Nathan... " I murmured, searching his face before I pushed myself slightly further, gently opening my arms and partially wrapping them around his neck, letting him sink against me the remainder of the way and that's exactly what he did. He buried his face against the side of my neck, his own arms around me with a heavy sigh.
"Of course I forgive you," I murmured, kissing the side of his head while stroking his hair. "You were scared, you didn't know what to do,"
"That doesn't give me justification for how I treated you," He murmured against my neck. I held him tightly,
"You're not a monster, Nate," I told Nathan softly.
"I just couldn't lose another person I love. I can't go through that again," His voice cracked in the slightest. I knew he was right.
"You won't, sweetheart, you won't lose me," I promised him, gently rubbing his back. We stayed there for another few moments before Nathan gently pulled away, but not before kissing my stomach, keeping his hand the there for a moment.
"How's the hip?" He asked gently, running his hand gently back and forth over my lower stomach.
"Black and blue, but still intact... thank God," I responded softly, laying my hand over his once it stopped and squeezed his gently in an affectionate manner. "It's probably going to be worse tomorrow, but oh well,"
"Let me take a look at it for a second," Nathan offered gently. I removed the gel pack, which Nathan set on the coffee table. He was very careful about where he was applying pressure, but it still hurt on certain areas. He felt along my hipbone, lifting his eyes slightly as though trying to focus on where the bone was, if it was still in place and so on.
"Well, it's not broken, which is good," He responded, "Not out of place, either. I think it's just going to be a really big bruise for awhile."
"Great," I muttered.
"Just keep this on it," Nathan said, setting the gel pack on my bare hip. The sudden cold was a shock to the area, causing me to flinch slightly. Nathan scooted closer to me, bringing his feet; which he had taken his shoes off before hand, up onto the long side and sat beside me, leaning against the back of the couch. I inched closer to him, draping my arm over his torso and lay my head against his stomach. Nathan wrapped his arm around me in response.
"What are we watching?" He asked. I could feel his hand running gently up and down my upper arm.
"I haven't the slightest idea," I said. Nathan grinned, kissing the top of my head. It was a huge relief to not be fighting anymore. Things were back to normal, or at least as normal as they could get. It was still fairly early in the morning, but I had a feeling I was out of comission for a few days. Even as a few days went by, I found hobbling around to be extremely tasking and even more frustrating. But as days went by, the bruise healed and I was back in action. And before long, the day came where Nathan finally agreed to letting me get on Dragonada.
"I can't believe I'm letting you do this." He stood by the arena fence, leaning on his forearms, watching me lean down to adjust my stirrup. I could tell by the look on his face that he was anything but comfortable with what was happening. Every nerve of mine was actually jumping as well, but it was more in anticipation. Dragonada was like a coiled spring underneath me.
"We'll be fine, honey, don't worry," I assured him, moving toward the fence and leaning to gently rub the back of his shoulder. Nathan drew a sharp breath that almost sounded panicked.
"Maggie- do me a favour and just keep both hands on the reins, honey, please, for the love of God." Nathan muttered, dropping his head into his hands and rubbed his temple. I would have found it laughable if I hadn't known why he was so scared of me doing this.
"Nathan, look at me," I said gently, searching his face as he lifted his head slowly. "Honey, nothing is going to happen. I'm not going to let anything happen. I can feel what she's going to do before she does it, if she does anything."
Nathan's eyes were on mine, and I could see just how worried he was, how much this brought back everything that had happened. It affected me, but I don't think to the extent it did Nathan. I reached out a hand, waiting for his. Hesitant, he lifted his and took mine. I squeezed his gently and felt him squeeze mine in return, watching him bring it to his lips and kiss my knuckles.
"Be careful, sweetie. Please," He said softly. I nodded and he let go of my hand. I adjusted the reins, keeping one eye on Dragonada's ears, the position of her head. I also kept part of my attention on what I was feeling through her body, any sort of tension, anything that might indicate that she was going to act out explosively. I had two options; either try to stop her, which was ideal, but not likely, especially for a young, green Thoroughbred who was in the heat of a full-blown panic, or bail, which seemed like the go-to option, but I knew there was no way I'd make it through that without breaking a bone. You can't bail from a thousand pound animal going nearly thirty-five miles an hour and come out unscathed. If you did, you were lucky. Ok, stop it. You're sending negative energy toward this.
I was extremely uneasy about this, but I couldn't let myself submit to it. I couldn't let Dragonada feel that I was scared. If she felt that tension from me, she would get uneasy and tense, which would only make me worse, and it would be a vicious cycle from then on. Pressing my weight down in my heels, which would anchor me to the saddle if for some reason I was at risk of being thrown, I clicked my tongue at her and gently pressed my heels against her sides, keeping pressure on the area behind the girth where I knew she would feel pressure. One thing I wanted to avoid was really pulling on the reins. On the track, horses were trained to run against the tightening of the reins. Pulling on reins was signal for them to run, then jockeys stood up in the stirrups and leaned back for them to stop. I knew it was something we needed to train her, and the other two, out of, I just needed to teach myself how to ride a horse trained like that without getting myself killed.
At first, Dragonada's trot was choppy and over exuberant. I had to lean my weight back somewhat to gradually slow her gait to a comfortable trot, at which I praised her for. For such a young horse, Dragonada was extremely willing. She wasn't ornery, wasn't a bitchy mare or filly in the least. I'm sure she had her moments, I've seen her beat up on Kilkenny Creek many times over the stall door, but toward people when it came to working? She was willing to please. Her ears tilted back toward me, delicate, finely fluted ears that were constantly swivelling back and forth. Posting her trot, I guided her in circles, figure eights around the arena, and then guided her down the diagonal. Halfway down, she spooked at something clearly she saw, but I didn't, shying to the side with rather very impressive agility and an explosive snort, almost unseating me. I quickly regained control, and can could vividly imagine Nathan nearly going into cardiac arrest over by the arena fence.
"You're going to kill me," I heard Nathan call from the arena fence. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Breathe, Nate," I responded, asking Dragonada for a trot again. After a few moments, she eased into it. Sitting in the saddle, I squeezed harder with my heels. She sprang into a canter, displaying to me that she clearly knew nothing about correct leads. I guided her over to where we would approach a corner, asked for a trot and as we rounded the corner asked for a center again. The bend would force her instinctively to pick up the correct lead, and it did. I cantered her a few times around the ring before slowing her to a walk, not wanting to overwork her. It disgusted me how young racehorse trainers started their horses. Horses on the track usually were started at a year old, if not two or three. Ligaments weren't fully developed.
"Thank God, now get off before she decides a branch is going to kill her," Nathan joked, but his tone was uneasy. Shaking my head with a grin, I dismounted, moving around toward him and put my arms around him in a hug. I felt his arms go around my waist and his head lower to the crook of my neck.
"See? I told you it would be fine," I assured him, kissing the side of his head. Nathan nodded slowly, and I could feel him exhale. He gently tightened his arms and lifted his head briefly, kissing the side of my neck before his head lowered again. I held onto him. I knew he wasn't ready to let go yet. For that matter, I wasn't either.
A week later, I stayed home that night to watch Shilo. Nathan had been called into work and I figured he would he home late. Around eight o' clock at night, I was beginning to really wonder where he was. The phone rang when I was in the kitchen and I cleared the room to get it. "Hello?"
"Hi- is this Mag?"
"Yes, who is this?" I responded.
"Hi Mag. Chris. We've met a few times before." The guy on the other end responded. "I work with Nathan at the clinic."
"Oh! Right. How are you?" I asked.
"I'm alright. Was calling to prepare you for what's about to come home, though." He said.
"Oh, God... what?"
"We had a case today that Nathan and I were both on. Big pinto stallion broke both legs in an accident. Total freak coincidence, actually. Horse looked a hell of alot like Nathan's stallion. I could tell is was going to be hard on him. We took the stallion through surgery and everything, Nathan wanted to do something so badly. But the horse was in shock as it was. He died on the operating table."
"Oh, God," I murmured, my hand at my collarbone. I could only imagine what that did to him. "How is he?"
"Well... he's not doing well over it. But you know Nathan. He sort of went blank, cold and so on, didn't say anything. If he's going to talk to anyone or turn to anyone, it's going to be you. He's going to need someone, whether he wants to admit it or not."
"Right," I responded softly, biting the inside of my cheek in thought, and now uneasy anticipation, glancing at the clock again to see when exactly Nathan was due back. "Did he already leave?"
"Yeah, he left a bit ago. I figured I should let you know before he got home that he had quite the rough night."
"Yeah, thank you for letting me know. He might not have told me anything," I said. "I have an idea of how I'm going to handle it. I'll talk to you soon, Chris."
"Alright, take care."
We got off the phone and I started to think about the whole situation. Just what Nathan had probably gone through, trying so hard to stabilize that stallion. And what a freak coincidence was right. I went upstairs to check on Shilo, and minutes later, I heard the front door open and Cooper racing to greet the person. I left Shilo's room and headed down the stairs and saw Nathan, immediately recognising he wasn't well. He looked exhausted, worn out, as though he had failed. He went into the living room and I moved closer to him from the side.
"Nathan... " I said softly, the tone in my voice gentle, yet knowing, recognising how much he was probably hurting. He turned his head to look at me, with a not very convincing attempt at masking just how hard work was, then his expression softened.
"You heard?" He said quietly, turning his head a bit away from me. I nodded slowly, moving toward him.
"Chris called me and told me." I responded softly, coming up next to him and slid my arm around his waist, my other hand placed gently on his arm. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart,"
I half expected Nathan to become guarded, to try to brush it off like it didn't happen. But he didn't. He wrapped his arm around me, tilting his head gently against mine. I ran my hand gently up and down his side, the hand that was once on his arm that was now around me settled gently at his stomach. After a few moments, Nathan turned in my arms and wrapped both of his around me, his head against the side of my neck and shoulder and he exhaled slowly as he sank against me. I gently tightened my arms around him, holding him.
"How're you doing?" I asked him gently, kissing the side of his head.
"Tired," He murmured, closing his eyes. I knew that had to have been an understatement. He seemed exhausted.
"I can imagine. Why don't you go lie down, sweetheart?" I suggested. I could feel him lift his head head from my shoulder and set his chin on it. He shook his head.
"Let's go lie down on the couch and put on a movie. I need to get my mind on something else, I can't go to bed thinking about what I did," He said softly, then kissed the side of my neck. "And I want you with me, Maggie. Need you, actually... "
I ran my hand up and down his back. "I'll stay with you, sweetheart. The whole night on the couch if you want me to."
He exhaled slowly once more, gently tightening his arms around me and nodded slowly.
"Let's go upstairs and change for bed incase we both fall asleep down here," I suggested. Nathan nodded and I felt his arms loosen. We headed upstairs and changed. I turned to see Nathan was in black lounge pants, his torso bare. I changed into a black long-sleeved t-shirt and black briefs. It was warm out, but not that warm. I watched Nathan finish changing and shuffle toward the door, pausing with a hand on the door frame as though waiting for me. I moved toward him, wrapping my arms around his waist from the side. He wrapped his arm around me, kissing my forehead and we both made our way down. My main goal of putting my arms around him was moreso to keep him upright going down the stairs. He looked like was about to drop any second.
We made it down the stairs and Nathan more or less flopped down on the long side of the couch. Climbing over the back of it, I joined him, lying down beside him as we went to On Demand and ordered a movie. The lights were flipped off, and the dog lay at the foot of the couch. Nathan turned over partially when I did to kiss my forehead, turning back over onto his back where he was somewhat propped up by the cushions. I lay beside him and he put his arm around me, pulling me gently closer as I curled up at his side with my head on his chest, my hand resting directly on his sternum. He reached back and pulled the blanket that was draped over the back of the couch off and pulled it over the both of us, kissing the top of my head. At this point, both of his arms went around me and I kept my arm around his torso. He tilted the side of his head against the top of mine. I could feel his chest moving underneath my head, and could hear his heartbeat. It was comforting, and now that he seemed completely and totally relaxed, it was even better. The movie played out, and about ten minutes into it, I could feel Nathan's body completely relax, glanced somewhat up to see his eyes closed. I gently and slowly rubbed his side and chest, hoping to soothe him to the greatest degree I could. I could tell he had finally fallen asleep, which was a huge relief. The movie was barely a quarter through, so I decided to keep it on. I wanted to be there if Nathan woke up at all. I knew his sleeping patterns, if something traumatic or unsettling happened, it didn't matter how dead exhausted Nathan was, he still had a habit of letting it wake him up.
And it did.
Ten minutes following, I felt Nathan stir, and heard a groan and a few murmurs. I lay my arm over him with my hand at his side, lifting my head.
"Shh... Nathan, you're okay, sweetheart," I murmured to him, reaching up to gently push a bit of his hair away from from his forehead. Nathan's eyes opened partway, seeing to slowly come to realisation.
"Damnit," He groaned softly, clearly agonisingly frustrated over not being able to sleep. I pushed myself upward somewhat, allowing him room to turn over onto his stomach, which I gently encouraged. He settled and I lay beside him, an arm over his back with a hand gently placed on his ribcage.
"Just try to relax, love," I said softly, kissing the back of his neck. I ran my nails gently up and down his bare back to soothe him, kissing the back of his shoulder, laying the side of my head against part of his upper back. "I'm right here, Nathan. You're alright."
Finally, Nathan did fall back asleep. With my arm around the back of him to his waist, I turned my gaze to the television screen, absently watching until I could barely keep my eyes open. Reaching for the remote on the coffee table, I almost wondered if I should wake Nathan up to bring him up to bed. No. He had just gotten to sleep, I didn't want to wake him. And I knew the last thing he would need was to be left alone down here. I knew I would stay with him one way or another. I turned the television off to find us in complete darkness. Before I settled back down, Nathan unconsciously shifted onto his back. I moved nearer to him and returned my head to his chest, feeling his arms go back around me and I felt the kiss placed to the top of my head.
"I love you," Nathan murmured, his voice almost incoherent. I realised he was still asleep, but even so, it still meant something
"I love you, too, sweetheart," I responded softly. I lay my head gently on his chest and felt his arms around me, the tips of my fingers gently trailing down his stomach to his side in a completely absent, affectionate manner. He was familiar. Every bit of him. From each portion of his body to the beat of his heart. Soon, I too fell asleep before I realised it, with my head on my other half's chest and in his arms. I couldn't have been happier.