Chapter 12: Only Love

For the past few months that Jag had been locked away, Jaina had stayed in her place and played the part everyone had come to expect of her. She had finally become the perfect housewife, the example of propriety and grace her mother had always dreamed she would be. She led a quiet life, smiling for the public and anyone who had never known who she truly was. Even for them, she tried to pretend it was all fine. But Jaina had never been a good liar. It was probably why Leia had never coerced her into politics.

She was a shell of her former self. Where once there had been a wellspring of life, a fire of spirit and vitality, there was a calm facade. She had been slowly stripped of everything that had made her love life, leaving her with responsibilities and emptiness. It had happened at such a sluggish pace she hadn't seen it happen until it was too late.

As a child she had dreamed of X-wings and lightsabers, a gallant and noble future filled with adventure and pulse-racing danger. For a while she had fulfilled that notion, even against staggering opposition. But the mundane life that followed wartime had swallowed her whole. It had started with Hanna.

It wasn't that Jaina didn't love her. On the contrary, she loved Hanna so much it took her breath away sometimes. But she had needed the care and nurturing of a mother, and Jaina had been determined to give her all the love and security Jaina had never had from Leia. So she had carefully balanced the time with their child between herself and Jag, giving them each equal time working and spending time with their daughter.

It had worked, at least at first. But then the work they had been assigned became more and more like desk work. It had appealed less all the time, but she had still been General Jaina Solo-Fel. They would still call on her occasionally to settle some sort of dispute, taking the Roughshod along as her strong arm.

Then Chak had recuperated enough to be sent to live with them. She had finally relinquished her position in the Imperial military to stay home full time with her brother-in-law and toddler. The Roughshod had been taken from her command, her uniform and honors stripped away. It had been a double punch in the gut since even as she lost her livelihood Jag took on both their loads. Maybe if she had still had him as an outlet things wouldn't have gotten so bad. But instead she had been torn away from her life and at the same time lost the companionship she had with her husband.

That was all in the past.

Marching down the landing platform away from her ship, Jaina was more determined and energized than she had been in far too long. For the first time, it seemed, she knew exactly what she wanted. And for the first time since the war had ended, she was going to do something about it.

To hell with everyone.

To hell with the laws, with the GFFA, with the Empire.

She was taking back what was hers, was going to be who she was. She would live her life how she had always wanted to, not to everyone else's expectations and standards.

The first thing on her list was to get Jag out of jail.

Some very important steps had to be taken to reach that end, however. Hanna and Davin needed to be taken care of despite the consequences of her coming actions. So as she saw her close family waiting for her, Jaina put on the most placating smile possible, hoping for once that they wouldn't be able to read her intent.

Luke got to her side first, his eyes drawn immediately to the bundle in her arms. One hand settled on her shoulder, and she fully understood the paternal love emanating from him. She would always consider him her father in all but one way. "Oh, Jaina. We were so worried about you all."

She smiled at him, then down at Hanna. "Why don't you go play with Ben, Hanna?"

Her daughter smiled back, then hurried off to greet her cousin that was more like a brother. Then she answered her uncle. "I'm sorry to worry everyone. I know you weren't expecting me to be so...spontaneous."

Luke waved her off. "It's fine. Now introduce me to this little one."

She glanced down at her newborn son, her heart breaking because she knew that the Force would undoubtedly draw him down the same crooked path she had been placed on. "This is Davin Fel, my son."

Everyone had gathered around by then, her brothers draping their arms over her shoulders from either side over her, a silent comfort that meant the world to her. Mara stood with her arm looped through her husband's, one eye on Ben and Hanna to make sure they stayed a safe distance from the edge of the platform.

"He's just beautiful, Jay," Jacen whispered.

"Thank you," she answered. "He's so small, though. I worry about him so much."

"Can I?" Luke asked hesitantly, obviously wanting to hold the child he no doubt considered a grandson.

"Of course," she replied with no reservations as she set the precious bundle into his experienced arms.

Mara moved to her side then, embracing her fiercely. "You had us so worried, Jaina."

Jaina hugged her back, determined not to cry. "I know." She pulled away quickly, wiping at her eyes. "I'm very sorry. But...I need you all to do something for me. Right now."

"What is it?" Anakin queried, his instincts automatically picking up on her tone.

She braced herself. "I'm going to break Jag out of jail."

"Jaina—"

"You can't be serious—"

"That's crazy—"

"Don't even try to dissuade me," she replied calmly. "I've made up my mind and I'm going to do this with or without your help."

"What could you possibly want us to do?" Jacen demanded.

Jaina looked him square in the eye. "I need you to take care of Hanna and Davin, for one. But I also need you to distract Mom while all this is going on. You know that she's going to want to talk to me as soon as she finds out I'm back on Coruscant. Even more important, they're not aloud to do a search and arrest of me without her permission."

"What?" Mara frowned. "I didn't catch that last part."

Jaina sighed, but spoke to Jacen and Anakin. "You all know that she's made the three of us basically untouchable, right?"

They nodded solemnly.

She turned back to Mara. "It's not a law, because she's not allowed to do that. But all the law enforcement here knows that if they're going to do anything to us they better have her permission first. I know that first hand. Leia approved Jag's arrest."

"So," Mara finished, catching on, "if Leia's out of contact, you get a few extra hours with hubby before he has to hit the road."

"Wait," Anakin interrupted. "Won't both of you have to leave Coruscant. Like, permanently? And Bastion and Csilla too for that matter?"

Jaina shook her head, but Jacen finished the thought for her.

"She's taking the dive for him."

"I don't think I like this plan," Luke interjected. Jaina decided to ignore the comment.

She continued to explain. "I wouldn't have used that term, but yes, basically. I can't take care of Hanna and Davin and still find the person behind all this. But if I were to stay here with them, Jag could go find them on his own. It will be more dangerous on his part, really."

"Why," Luke suggested, "don't you just let one of us go take care of the mystery contriver? Then both you and Jag can stay here, safe."

"Because, Uncle Luke, this is our family and our problem. I can't have you swooping in and rescuing me any more. I can't let anyone do that. I have to be me, to handle life as it comes at me. I knew how to do that once, but I've forgotten. Jag is my husband, completes family. We've got to fix this on our own. I'm sorry."

His face fell slightly, but Mara gave her an encouragingly look that said he would understand in time.

"It's only 0900 in the morning," Jacen said suddenly. "When are you wanting this prison break to happen?"

"Around 2100 hours," she answered. "Just after sunset. That gives us all day to plan."

"Are you going to tell Jag you're coming for him?" Anakin asked.

Jaina shook her head slowly. "I thought about it, but I think he'll play his part better if he doesn't know."

It was as dark as the planet ever got, the orange glow of Coruscant's primary having recently set beneath the uneven horizon. Still the artificial glow of a million different signs and advertisements, the nightclubs and late night dwellers lit up the sky, hiding the stars behind a haze of smog.

Jaina shifted uncomfortably, grunting with the knowledge that a few moments from then her life would never be the same again. Was it better to know it advance, or have fate sneak up on you? She had no way of telling. Instead of wondering, she rechecked her weapons' settings again. Her lightsaber was the only visible armament, hanging at her belt as always. Tucked away expertly under the thin cloak were two blasters, three extra power packs, a hand grenade and a lasicutter. She had assumed the lightsaber would take care of all the cutting, but Mara had insisted that some jobs needed to be done descreetly and leave little evidence. Since she was, after all, a former assassin, Jaina had trusted her judgment.

"You're nervous," Mara observed. Jaina turned to look at her, licking her dry lips. She couldn't hide anything from the woman. The Coruscant skyline was highlighted behind her, casting her red-gold mane in a purplish hue. The wind was easily felt from the balcony they stood on, just outside the Skywalker apartment. It whipped and whistled gently, making a warm shiver run through Jaina.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

The Jedi Master snorted derisively. "I've seen you less nervous when staring down a battalion of bloodthirsty Yuuzhan Vong. What is it about a simple prison break that has you so rattled?"

Jaina took a moment to carefully craft her answer. Instead of a directly reply she said, "Do you remember that day in the Ithorian gardens we had a while back? You told me something then that I've never forgotten. And it's haunted me ever since. You said that love is a lie. I still don't understand what you meant."

Mara remained quiet for a very long time. "When you were a little girl, what did all the holodramas you watched end with? The princess was rescued and carried away into the sunset by her prince, the words 'And they lived happily ever after' flashing across the screen. That belief has been so ingrained in us that when reality hits we're often crippled by it. Because the fact of the matter is, that kind of love is a lie. No one has a happily ever after, Jaina. I've hated your uncle as often as I loved him, over the years. Being so close to someone for so long has its drawbacks, and you and Jag have just now found that out. The trick is being committed. When you take a vow, mean it! Something like that shouldn't be thrown away just because the rose colored glasses are ripped off your face.

"Jag is just a man. He's not perfect, he's not prince charming, and he never will be. He's just like everyone else. He has his selfish moments, times when he's inconsiderate and rude and completely oblivious to what you're trying to tell him. But in the end, wouldn't you live through all that just to feel that little thrill when he leans in to kiss you?

"That is what love is. It's a supernatural connection that supplants reason and logic. You can't make up you're mind to love someone. It just happens, completely random." She gave a mild chuckle. "Do you think I would have chosen Luke Skywalker, of all people, to fall in love with?"

Jaina smiled tightly. "I think I understand what you're saying."

"Good. But you also have to know that somethings just can't be taught. Life, and love...those are things you have to learn on your own, through experience and sweat and tears. But it's that sweat and tears that make victory so much sweeter," Mara told her. "Love is like sand on a beach. It's washed away by the tides, tumbled and thrown and crushed under the waves for a while; but when it's washed back on shore it's smoother and more polished than before."

That made sense. Love fluctuated, wasn't steady or constant or any of the things she had expected it to be. It was a struggle, but the reward was well worth it. Now that she thought about it, Hanna and Davin were well worth the heartache she had endured the past few years. She wouldn't exchange them for anything. And when she and Jag found love in each other again, she expected the same result.

Mara tossed a look back inside her apartment where Hanna and Ben played quietly. Davin slumbered peacefully in his crib just in the other room. Luke, Jacen and Anakin were on their way to pay Leia and impromptu visit. All was in place. Jaina just needed to make her move. "I think it's time," she whispered.

Jaina nodded. "Thank you Anut Mara, for everything. You always know exactly what to say."

Mara gave her a short but tight hug. "I'm just telling you the truth. Now go and do what you have to do. We'll be here waiting when you get back."

It began with the usual proceedings Jaina had to undergo every time she had come to visit Jag. She waited quietly as the guards inspected her for hidden weapons, which they found, and which Jaina had them give back with just a little Force persuasion. They let her inside the visitation room where she then waited anxiously for them to bring her husband to her.

Getting him out would never have been a problem. It was just that they had preferred to clear his name legally, let the judicial process work its course. The prison he was in wasn't even high security. That was probably the only favor Jaina had to thank her mother for.

The door on the other side of the transparisteel wall opened suddenly, and Jag stepped inside. He looked pale and worn, very tired. What struck Jaina most was how the fire had left his eyes, the spirit she had always admired buried deep inside. She prayed it wasn't gone forever.

He took a seat across from her, green eyes roving across her form. They didn't speak until they had been left alone, and then it was Jag who broke the silence. "How's the baby?"

She had made up her mind before she ever came that she wasn't going to cry. But the moment he opened his mouth tears burst forth, uncontrolled. He didn't attempt to console her, just waited until she had regained her composure. After a few minutes she said, "I'm so sorry I left you, Jag. It's all my fault that he was born so premature. They said it was the stress. If I had just tried to relax and—"

"Stop," he ordered harshly. "Don't even go there. We can't change what happened. You were doing what you thought was best. Just tell me, how is he?"

She managed a smile. "He's so small, but relatively healthy. He'll be just fine."

He breathed a deep sigh of relief, rubbing his eyes as if tired. Jaina knew it was to crush any vestiges of moisture. "I was so worried about you. Both of you," he croaked finally, not looking at her.

Jaina cried some more. "All this has to stop. Right now."

He looked at her then, recognizing the tone of her voice. "How?"

She stood with a flourish, burying the end of her lightsaber into the transparisteel and drawing it easily through the thin surface. After a reasonable slit had been made she kicked the gap viciously, shattering it. It wasn't until then that the guards arrived, leveling their blasters and demanding she lay down her weapon.

She charged.

A few bloody moments later and they were once again alone, however temporarily. She looked to where he stood, shocked, and smiled roguishly. "I got tired of waiting."

The whole trip back from Csilla Jaina had imagined that moment. Somehow—probably through the unrealistic preconceived fantasies Mara had spoke of—she had thought that if she could just get to this point, be able to touch and hold and kiss him, the galaxy would right itself again.

Obviously, she had been wrong.

So instead of rushing into his arms she tossed him a blaster and a power pack. "Here. You're going to need this."

"I can't believe you're doing this," he muttered, not moving to catch the weapon but letting in clank on the floor. "Do you want both of us to go to jail?"

Jaina shook her head, brown hair flying. "Of course not. That's why you need to pick up the gun and help me get us out of here."

"I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense—" he exclaimed.

"Yes it does!" she returned. "I can't find the people who framed you because I have to take care of our children. So you're going to do it yourself. Now stop staring at me like that and pick up the damn blaster! I can hear them coming."

He stared for a few more tense seconds, then broke into a wide grin. Shaking his head, he bent and scooped up the weapon. "Yes, dear."

They made a clean and easy break, almost so much so that Jaina was suspicious. But by the time they made it off the prison grounds she felt so exhilarated and alive that it didn't really matter. She couldn't remember the last time she had had only herself and her own skills to rely own, when she had danced with death and felt the adrenaline that came with being victorious. What made it even better was that Jag was right there with her. It felt like old times again, and she could almost remember the feelings that had once passed between them.

They didn't speak on the long foot trek to the landing pad where the Always berthed. Jaina didn't know if he would want to take it with him or not, but she wanted to give him the option. He didn't ask where they were going, either, but she suspected he knew. He had always been able to read her better than any Jedi.

They were crossing the catwalk towards the ship when it began to rain. There was a low rumbling of thunder in the distance, and Jaina winced. He would need to leave soon to avoid the dangerous lightning that always accompanied Curscanti storms. She broke into a trot, hurrying towards their ship. She could at least help him run through the preflight.

"Jaina, wait."

She stopped and turned, giving him a questioning look. He stood still a few meters away, hair plastered to his scalp by the rain, his face scruffy, looking as if he hadn't shaved in a week. "What is it?"

He took a single step forward. The simple, unobtrusive gesture spoke volumes to her. He wanted to talk. Truthfully, she did too. She had been thinking for so long of what she would say to him in this moment. But now that it had come all thought had fled from her, as if she had been struck dumb. "There are some things that I have to say before we finish this."

She swallowed hard, suddenly afraid. "This isn't the time, Jag," she said instead, hoping he would drop it even as she knew he wouldn't.

"It's the only time we have, Jaina," he answered her. "We have to fix this now, because there's a very good chance that we'll never get the chance after I leave."

She was happy for the rain, so he couldn't distinguish her tears. "Don't say that. We can work things out later—"

"What happened to us?" he blurted. "Why is there such a distance when we used to be so close? I knew you Jaina, everything about you. And when we were together, I knew who I was too. How did we let that slip away?"

She shook her head, a wet lock of hair slapping against her face. "I don't know. I just...when we left everything behind to join the Empire, we were living for ourselves, making our own decisions and letting go of the fear of disappointing people." She poked a finger against her own chest bone. "We've let duties and complications come between us and divide us from what was so important. I remember a time when being apart from you for a few hours was agonizing. But we've let it slip so far that we went days without saying but a few words to each other. We lived in the same house, but led separate lives."

"And at the same time we forgot who we were," he said, taking another step. "The job isn't who I am, it isn't even what I love to do. We gave that up because it's what people expected us to do."

"And we sacrificed our love for it," she ended.

Even through the wind and rain, Jaina could see him pale. "I still love you," he told her flatly.

Jaina pursed her lips, a dull ache forming under her sternum. "I have faith that we can have what we did then again, only better. We can overcome this, together." She turned, trying not to see the hurt on his face.

A hand grabbed her shoulder roughly, but he didn't turn her to face him. His lips descended to her ear, so close she could feel the fog of his breath, making a chill race over her skin. His other arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her close. She didn't have the strength to resist him. "You can't tell me that you don't feel something when I touch you." His fingers dug deeper against her jumpsuit. "You can't tell me that you don't remember that night five years ago on Csilla, when we realized what neither of us had dared to see before. You can't tell me that that feeling can die."

She found the will to struggle out of his grip, but he held firm. Fear stabbed in her heart, panic. She had reasoned it out, established in her mind that she had simply fallen out of love with him. They could rebuild it in time and things would be even better than before, but that didn't change the fact that what had once been between them was gone. And now he was confusing her, telling her that what they had shared couldn't be destroyed completely. Even worse was the feeling inside her that was swelling with each breath, like a bubble about to burst wide open.

His hand softened on her, trailing around her waist as his mouth moved even closer to her ear. "If you can look me in the eye right now and tell me that you don't love me I'll walk away and never dispute you again. You can go in whatever direction you want your life to go and I want stop you. Go ahead. Tell me that you don't love me." She turned slightly, just enough to see the pale green of his eyes meet hers.

The bubble broke, and she was assaulted with feelings she had kept buried so deep inside she had forgotten they existed. The lightheaded ecstasy of knowing someone so completely you weren't entirely sure where one ended and the other began. When you could finish their thoughts before they could say them, knew exactly what story they would tell in what situation, could interpret every glance and look.

What she realized then was that she had saw their love as something much more shallow than it really was. In reality, she had loved the essence of him, the soul, something that couldn't be changed, no matter how lost they became.

She did love him. She had always loved him, and always would, through living Force that would embrace her would in immortality when her flesh perished. They had been meant for each other, like a destiny written in the stars before the first life had formed in the galaxy. Fate or the Force, it didn't matter, because in loving him she knew why she was alive.

As if in complete validation of her thoughts he read her mind, seeing through her eyes the conclusion of the struggle within. In a moment his lips had claimed hers forcefully, his arms crushing her against him. Jaina's heart soared with relief and love, and she easily lost herself in his kiss. No thought, only him.

Only their love that would never end.