Chapter 15: Forms of Fear

Jacen was procrastinating.

It was one of the things he did best, really. He had put off talking to his father and now it was too late. He had hesitated in his role in the Jedi Order and let his siblings take up the proud mantle of their shared name. He had refused to move forward in his relationship with Danni. Why should being on time for his date with Tenel Ka be any different?

He waited around in his apartment, fully dressed and ready, staring at the comm station. Any moment he was expecting her to call and cancel. He was hoping for it, even. That would mean he didn't have to go and face his fears of rejection or, worse, acceptance. His greatest anxiety lay in the uncertain. If things did work out they could eventually end the same way they had with Danni. That was something Jacen just didn't want to face again.

Yet he had to go. Anakin had bailed on him right after the arrangements had been made but had threatened him with endless torture if he didn't go. He had claimed that the best way to get over Danni would be to get under someone else. Anakin had been joking, of course, but the point was still made. Jacen wasn't so sure but by that point he was willing to try anything if it would get the pretty blond scientist out of his head.

So he found himself at Tenel Ka's door fifteen minutes late, as fidgety as a monkey lizard and sweating like a Gamorrean in mating season. He knocked three times and waited two heartbeats before turning away and making a beeline for the turbolift. He was halfway to freedom when her door swished aside and her lilting Hapan voice called, "Jacen?"

He stopped, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before turning around. "Tenel Ka. Sorry, I thought you weren't home."

Her smile wasn't at all critical. "It's fine. I was beginning to worry you weren't coming." Her glance scanned the surroundings of the corridor. "Where's Anakin?"

Feeling disappointed and not knowing exactly why, he said, "He couldn't make it. Sorry."

She smiled again, gentler. "It's fine. Come in, my chef has prepared an excellent meal."

He followed her back inside the suite, once again observing the plush conditions. This time it was darker, only faint light shining from the glowpanels and blinders pulled over the windows. She led him into the dining area, complete with a table much two large for the two of them alone but with flickering candles all the way down the center.

"Should we sit on opposite ends and see if we can hear each other?" he suggested playfully.

Her auburn hair smacked against the open back of her dress as she smiled at him over her shoulder. "We could. But I'm thinking sitting on the same end might be a little more polite to our neighbors," she gestured at the ceiling.

He chuckled gently. "Well, I'd hate to be rude."

They both took a seat at the far end of the room and were promptly served a traditional Hapan fare that Jacen found a little too spicy for his tastes. Still, it was delicious, and the company proved more than capable of sating any of his discomfort.

"Tell me how things are coming in the Jedi Temple," she pressed as the spoonful of food slid delicately between her teeth. "The last time I spoke with Master Luke he was thinking of adding another program for the younglings."

"We've made a lot of improvements," Jacen nodded, sipping at his wine goblet. The liquid was peppery but smooth, coating his throat pleasantly and electrifying his senses. "I've started instructing a lightsaber class for people who've only recently constructed theirs." The corners of his lips lifted gently. "Considering my history with those sort of incidents I think I'm qualified to give fair warning."

She laughed merrily, and for some reason it didn't strike Jacen as odd that they could laugh over the unhappy circumstances that had resulted in the accident she had lost her left forearm in. It had been a very long time ago, and both had reconciled the loss and blame in their own way. Now the only horror that had marked their relationship served to just be another common bond between them that no one else would ever fully understand. "Jacen Solo, you used to be quite the jokester. Funny that your antics never struck me as humorous until you became serious."

He smiled at her and took another bite of his food. Her companionship was an easy one. They knew each other better than most, always had. Even now, when they had both changed and lost so much, he could feel as comfortable in her presence as with his own sister. Whether that was a mark for or against the kind of relationship he half-expected to develop Jacen couldn't be sure.

"Alright, now you have to tell me what's been happening on Hapes since the war began." He pulled a regretful face. "I was very sorry I couldn't make it to your coronation. It was the middle of the war, and I think it was about that time I went on the mission to Helska and met Danni…" he trailed off, mentally kicking himself. Why did all subjects inevitably lead back to her? She plagued him still, months after he had last seen her. Would he never be free of the constraints for his love of her?

Her sigh was wistful. "Not as easy as I had hoped, even after seeing my mother suffer through it all these years. She died of politics; I'll believe that until the end. I really had no choice but to take the throne after that. It was that or let my grandmother reign again, and that's the last thing Hapes needed during a war." She shifted in her seat, gray eyes fixed on her plate as she swirled the fork around through her food. Jacen allowed himself a private smile. His childhood friend had become a beautiful woman. She was graceful and delicate despite her warrior spirit, her flaming hair a crown of glory, eyes wise beyond her years. He was mesmerized by the curve of her lips as she spoke, the way one shock of her bangs continually fell into her eyes. "I've had quite a few attempts on my life since then, mostly from my own cousins. All this not to mention the new attention all the sudden power brought, along with the responsibilities; duty I had expected, though.

"So by the end of the war I had more than fifteen men lined at my door with these grandiose marriage proposals," she was saying as dessert was served. "It was entertaining really," she continued. "I tried to be sporting about it but of course I had to turn them all down in the end. It was such a ridiculous situation. These people I had never even seen before all trying to give me a sales pitch, like I was some sort of trophy that could be bought for the right price."

Jacen sipped at his wine before he answered. "You'll have to settle down one day, though. Isn't it supposed to be essential for you to have an heir as soon as possible, just to ensure your own safety?" The thought made him a little uncomfortable and secure at the same time. She would need a husband and he was very ill-qualified for the position.

She grinned thinly. "I'm not very worried about my safety. I may not wear the robes anymore but I am a Jedi. If I can't take care of myself how can I be expected to take care of my people?"

He shrugged. "Stranger things have happened."

"Enough about my troubles," she stated abruptly. "I want to know what happened to Danni. You two were so…enamored. I was so envious."

Jacen balked at her bold statement, almost spitting out his wine. "What?" he sputtered.

"Of the relationship, nerf for brains," she rolled her eyes. "What I wouldn't give for someone to look at me like you looked at her. How can something like that come to such an abrupt end?" She tilted her head faintly to the side as she spoke, framing her face angelically in the candlelight. His breath hitched, but he pressed on as if it was nothing.

Jacen shrugged like there was an itch between his shoulder blades. "Much easier than you would think. We wanted very different futures. I have absolutely no desire to ever get married and she is incapable of living without the hope of it. We went our separate ways. End of story."

Tenel Ka mused over this in silence for a while before speaking. "That is an unfortunate set of circumstances. We are all raised to believe at least somewhat in love as an enduring truth that can conquer all," she mused aloud, eyes cast to the side at some sight he couldn't see. "Yet so often we find that life and love do not readily coexist without struggle. Priorities, obligations, responsibilities, beliefs…they all put what we want and what we must do at odds with each other. My mother told me something once, though, that might give you comfort. It is a Dathomiri axiom that has soothed my worries since I became Queen Mother. 'If we received half the things we wished for our tribulations would double.'"

He swirled the liquid around in his cup, feeling suddenly melancholy. "Wise words from a wise people."

Her petite hand came to rest gently over his. "I hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for, Jacen Solo."

He looked up and met her eyes, so very deep and intense. Something stirred deep within him, a wistful ache for those eyes to be green instead of gray. He hated it. He would rid himself of this awful longing for Danni if it was the last thing he did. Without word or thought he grasped her hand in his and pulled her forward, crushing her lips with his own. Her breath left in a rush, the free hand snaking around his neck and pulling him from his chair towards her. Their lips moved in a gentle rhythm, a stirring passion with an aged but exhilarating ease.

Jacen found with unabashed glee that the longer and deeper he kissed her the less he missed Danni. The throbbing in his chest subsided when he found her in his arms. So he pulled her closer and let all the pain of grieving drown in this new hope.

Jaina flinched at the look Anakin shot her. "I'm sorry, Ani. I don't know what I was thinking."

He glared at her over his shoulder before lowering Davin into his crib. Despite the soft tones they had to use to keep the children asleep it was easy to see his displeasure in her. Jaina sat beside Hanna—fast asleep—on her bed, arms folded over her chest, watching her youngest brother. He had shown up right after the security officers had pried her off of the doctor, and only some heavy Force persuasion on his part had kept them from hauling her off to the penitentiary. Now they only had to pray the battered doctor didn't press charges or she would end up there anyway. "Well you need to be. What am I going to do with you all, Jaina? Between you and Jace I feel like I've been playing Mommy the past few months instead of looking to the two of you as example like I should be."

Jaina rolled her eyes and snapped softly, "Like you ever looked up to us. You never did I thing I ever told you."

He moved away from the crib and came closer to scowl down at her. It was with surprise she noted how tall and broad shoulder he had become of late. "And I guess it's a good thing, else I'd end up like you have."

She shoved an unhappy finger in his direction. "Now that is uncalled for."

He continued to frown but she could see the slight guilt now mingled with his chastisement. "Jaina, I know a lot of it you just can't help. We're Solo's. Being rash and foolish and stupid is part of what we do. But you've taken it to a whole new level. What could possibly possess you to attack Dr. Banks?"

Jaina looked at her hands, feeling that if she said it out loud it would somehow become more true. She clenched her fingers into fists to keep them from trembling. "She's in love with Jag."

There was a stunned hush before he managed a confused, "What?"

She raised her head to meet his gaze, brown eyes ripe with fury. "You heard me. The kriffing doctor is trying to steal my husband."

He jaw actually dropped. "Wow. She actually told you that and she's still alive?"

Jaina snorted angrily, running a shaky hand through her hair. "Unfortunately."

He took a seat beside her on the small bed, draping a comforting arm around her shoulders. "I'm so sorry, Jay. I didn't know."

She leaned against him, taking comfort in his embrace. He held her tight, pouring his compassion through the Force. She drank it in, needing the solace more than anything. How any woman ever knew how to handle something like this Jaina would never know. She had no idea how far Ismene had gone with Jag or whether he might have even reciprocated, but she shivered in rage just thinking about another woman feeling for him the things she counted so intimate.

She had been a child when she had fallen in love with Jag, and it was that childish magic that had always defined love for her since then. They had been through so much. She had shared parts of herself with him that no one else knew, not even Jacen. He had been her only lover, the father of her children, the rock that kept her anchored through all trials. Somehow she had never thought that—even when she had questioned whether or not they could last together—anyone else could feel the same ardor for him that she could. No one would ever love him the way she had in those first years. Now that belief had been turned on its end. Ismene Banks had felt that passion for Jag at a time when Jaina had only given him bitterness and grief. Who would blame him for turning to someone who could love him the way he deserved, when his own wife so obviously couldn't?

The truth was that there were very few times in her life she could count as truly happy. The beginning of their marriage was one of those. It was a sacred time in her heart, the treasure she had used as a comfort and inspired her need for a second child with him. It had never even crossed her mind that those precious memories could somehow be undermined or sullied. But if Jag had taken succor in Ismene wouldn't that desecrate everything she had held so dear?

"He told me that he had never stopped loving me," she whispered at last against her brother's tunic, careful to say it low enough she wouldn't wake Hanna. "Before he left he kissed me like he hasn't in years, Anakin. I felt like we were actually connected again. Like I had just woken from a bad dream and suddenly remembered who he was, who I was. I thought we were going to be okay. But if…" she let the question hang in the air between them like a guillotine poised for the kill.

"No," he stated firmly, twisting her shoulders so she had to face him. His clear blue eyes pierced her soul. "I've known Jag almost as long as you have, and if there's one thing I know about him for sure it's that he is an honorable man. He would never do that to you, Jaina. You have to believe that. You have to."

She swallowed hard, feeling exposed and alone. Her thoughts were clouded with fear and doubt, masking any clarity she might have found in the situation. "I wish I could know for sure." She saw him about to protest and cut him off, "But there's no way I can, Anakin. We went through a period of almost a year where I had know idea what we were even doing together anymore. If there was an intelligent, beautiful woman there offering him lover, affection, acceptance…wouldn't he be crazy if he hadn't?"

"No," he repeated, shaking her gently. "There's no way. And I'll tell you something else, too." He shoved an accusing finger into the air. "That woman isn't half the woman you are. What you and Jag have is special, and he'd never settle for some petty affair when he has true and binding love sitting right here in front of him. That's what would make him crazy, Jaina."

She felt a single tear slip out the corner of her eye. She wanted so badly to believe him, to take his words to heart and block out the awful knowledge that the most important person in her life might have committed the most private of betrayals. "I hope you're right, Anakin. Because if you're not I'm going to have to finish the job I started today," she laughed bitterly.

He smiled as he cuffed her chin slowly in playfulness. "That's the sister I know."

She wiped at her tears and stood, offering him her arm. "Come on, brother. There's cup of hot chocolate in there calling my name." He took it with a grin and they marched out of the nursery and into the kitchen.

"Let's not talk about me anymore," she sighed as she mixed the ingredients and put them in the synthesizer. Anakin took a seat at the table and waited. "Tell me how things have been going with you and Tahiri. Jacen tells me things are getting serious again."

Anakin's face lit at the mention of his girlfriend's name. "I think that break we took really did us both some good. It made me realize how much I really do love her. She's the most amazing person I've ever met, Jaina." He stopped to grin down into the mug Jaina had handed him. "I've actually been thinking about making things more…permanent."

Jaina's eyebrows shot up at his words. She took a seat opposite him and said, "Permanent as in marriage permanent?"

He grinned mischievously. "Maybe."

Jaina sighed as her brow pinched, taking careful pains to craft her next words just right. "You're only eighteen, Anakin."

He rolled his eyes at her assessment. "Yeah, I think I know that."

"And she's only what? Sixteen?"

"Almost seventeen," he answered in a huff. "And we wouldn't have to get married right away. I wouldn't want to do anything before she turns eighteen anyway."

Jaina nodded, sipping thoughtfully at her cup of hot chocolate. "That's a good idea. Look, Anakin, I'm no one to lecture you about not rushing into anything. If you know she's the one then go for it. Just make sure that you know first."

His smile was grateful. "I know, Jaina. Thanks."

She could tell by the flash in his clear blue eyes that his danger sense flared at the same time hers did. But still he moved first, leaping across the table faster than she thought was possible and crashing them both to the floor just as the outer wall to her apartment blew wide open. They were locked in an embrace as they rolled, combined shielding keeping the fire and debris at bay. "The children!" she gasped, pulling away from him and coming up into a full sprint. She cursed as she realized she was wearing a simple house robe and her lightsaber was on the nightstand beside her bed.

She skidded to a halt at the nursery door just as she heard the snaphiss of Anakin's lightsaber and the droning of speeder engines combined with the ping of laser blasts.

Chak Fel stared at the rows of bookcases from under his anonymous copper-green hood. His green eyes scanned the spines of the bindings desperately, searching for the one Cem had requested. There was nothing. He sighed in frustration and tugged the cloak a little farther over his head. It designated him as a non-CEDF member of House Sabosen, an ordinary disguise that would arouse no suspicions. According to Cem, that is.

The Csillan library was quite possibly the most comprehensive and unique in the entire galaxy. It was composed not only of everything the GFFA archives would have but also many otherwise uncommon records from the area outside the Outer Rim. And, if he had any luck at all, details about the construction of the CEDF prison facilities. If even one crack could be found in their armor he and Cem were determined to exploit it and free the rest of their family.

Unsuccessful with that particular section, Chak padded his way back to the study area Cem had utilized for their search. His younger brother was leaning intently over the desk, palms splayed flat on the surface as he scrutinized the myriad of documents from under his gray cloak. His fingers tapped on the wooded surface, annoyed, as his face swung from under the hood to look at him. "Find anything?" he prodded in Cheunh.

Chak shook his head sadly. "Sorry."

He emitted a frustrated sigh and turned back to the records. "I'm beginning to think we're going to have to just go in without a plan. You know, guns blazing." There was a humor to his tone Chak found he couldn't properly appreciate.

"I don't think I know how to do something like that, Cem," he winced.

Even though he couldn't make out his features under the enormous hood Chak imagined Cem's disappointed expression. He wished for the millionth time in what short life he remembered that for just once he could be the man everyone expected him to be. Somehow he knew he would always fall short, because he would never be the Chak Fel his family remembered him as. He would have given his right arm if he could be.

"Right," Cem grunted sadly. "Sorry. It was just a joke." He paused in his inspection to look back at his brother. "Why don't you go look in the military records and see if there's anything worth looking at there?"

Chak nodded even though he knew he wouldn't find anything there. Cem was just politely getting rid of him. He was useless to them all, he guessed. That was a feeling he was accustomed to.

The military records weren't even the classified kind, only the sort that came in media reports to the public. They were one of the few pieces of info stored in the library that weren't in hard copy form. He supposed that was because there were numerous copies of it all elsewhere. They were stored in a small data terminals he could access from one-man cubicles with flat screen viewing. As he took a seat with a sigh Chak wondered at how he was even supposed to begin searching.

After a half hour or so of probing around anything that might be useful turned up nothing and left him more bored than the time Jaina had forced him to clean his room. So he inevitably began doing random searches on people he knew, starting with his father and Jag and working down to Wyn. It was in one of these reports he found the records of his own death.

Search party Omega recovers crashed clawcraft on Oro Banho. Flight records list it as property of Commander Chak Fel. Extensive search of the area reveals no sign of a body. Fel is currently listed as missing in action, but is expected to be declared deceased shortly.

Beside the memo was a holo of himself, expressionless and in full dress uniform.

For a moment he felt nothing. And then, as abrupt and violent as a supernova, something behind his eyes exploded in a brilliant fire. Faintly he head himself scream as he toppled from the chair onto his side, clutching his head in both hands. It felt like his brain scorched clean, all the cobwebs swept away in one fell plunge. Moments of pain and agony, of fear and sickness, utter loneliness emptied from the recesses of his mind in one nauseating lump.

The he was back, staring up from the floor into Cem's hood. His brother's eyes were worried and anxious. Belatedly Chak hoped he hadn't given them away.

"Chak?" Cem pleaded, shaking his shoulders. "Chak, are you okay?"

Despite the flaring pain still ripping at his skull, Chak couldn't help but feel a sense of wonder. "I remember," he whispered reverently.

Cem's eyes shot open wide. "What do you remember?"

The reply was haunted. "I remember the breaking."