Disclaimer: No Copyright infringement intended. S. Meyer owns the characters, and certain plot points; I just own the manipulations.

A/N: I have viable reasons for the tardiness, but I won't bore you with excuses. This is longer than intended, so I apologize in advance for that.

I have two fabulous and brilliant beta's, as well as a wonderful pre-reader, who all do a great job. Me? I'm not so infallible. Any errors contained herein are mine, and mine alone.

Enjoy.

Chapter 2 - Novocain

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novocain

- Novocain, Green Day

~/~

She was gone, and no one would tell me where she was.

I requested a week off work – Jane owed me, and it was my last week there anyway – and spent it outside Alice's apartment door pleading with my sister to tell me. I also went and bought a ring. Apparently, in my desperation, I convinced myself that proposing to Bella would somehow grant me her forgiveness - as if that was even within the realm of possibility - and prove to her just how serious I was.

I wasn't stupid enough to think that my chance of fixing us, ring or no ring, was likely, but I hoped that it would make her take pause, maybe give me a chance to try. At the very least, when I found her – regardless of our outcome – I needed to make things better between her and Alice. It was all for naught though; no matter how much I begged and pleaded, Alice wouldn't open the door, much less speak to me.

Actually, no one in my family would speak to me except my parents – Carlisle just barely, and only because I was his son. My mother stood by my side, all sympathetic – you can fix this, Edward, I have faith in you – and doting. I couldn't stomach the trust in her eyes or the hope in her voice, so I took to avoiding her as much as I possibly could without making her cry. 'Cause that wasn't going to go far toward improving the 'so chilly they were glacial' relations between me and the rest of my family. What would be next? Pushing down little old ladies?

My first clinical clerkship started the week after she left, so I had no choice but to vacate my post outside Alice's door. Part of me was incredulous that the universe continued to spin madly on when it felt like my world had not only ground to a halt, but begun to fall down around me. Despite that, I threw myself into my studies, needing and welcoming the distraction. While I thrived academically, the rest of my life stagnated, becoming a cesspool of self-loathing and bitter remorse.

I was completely anti-social. I put in my shifts for my clinical at UW's Medical Center, attended the conferences associated with it, went to the library, and home. I declined every invitation that was extended to me by various study groups that wanted me to join them. I ignored the lustful looks sent my way by the scores of random co-eds, the occasional staff-member, and even many of the patients. My groceries were delivered, and I ordered take-out food whenever I just couldn't be bothered to cook for myself. I even stopped answering my phone, because it was never her calling. It didn't take long before my phone stopped ringing altogether, except from my mother's concerned and overly-chipper calls to chat. I was convinced Esme had me on suicide watch.

I dreamed of her…Bella…every night – sometimes nightmares, sometimes what could have been – and thought of her every day. I wondered what she was thinking…if she ever thought about me…if she was doing okay, if she was safe, if she had friends, and if someone was making her happy, because I wanted her to be happy. I would have preferred to be the one making her smile, and for her to find joy with me, but after making her miserable for so many years, the least I could do for her was to grit my teeth and pretend that I was just fine if she found it with someone else. Because I wanted her to be happy, I reminded myself...for the millionth time, even if, in reality, I died inside.

~/~

Time passed, both slower and quicker than I would have believed possible. Every day was somehow different, yet at the same time, identical to the ones before it so that they all bled into one another. I marked the passage of time by the number of days since I had seen her last…30 since I've seen or heard her voice…64 days and can't function…99 days and I had 99 problems…121 days…176…

For six long months, I searched for her.

I spent my entire Thanksgiving break trying to weasel information on Bella's whereabouts out of everyone I knew – Charlie, my family, Rose, Jazz – all to no avail.

By Christmas Eve, when she still hadn't shown up in Forks, I was so desperate to find her that I booked the first flight leaving Seattle for Florida. On Christmas morning, while my family was nestled all snug in their beds, I crept down the stairs quiet as a mouse with visions of Bella dancing through my head.

I assumed it would be easy to get the information I needed out of Renee. I mean, I was supposedly irresistible to the ladies, and she was a lady.

Wrong.

"Don't think that a pretty face and devilish smile will get you anywhere with me, young man. I knew when you came down here with her a couple years ago-," Try five, Renee. "-for spring break that there was something going on between you two, but I could never prove it. You can't pull the wool over my eyes this time.

"Charlie had a feeling you might try something like this, so he called and told me everything after Bella left. I'll be damned if I'll let you continue hurting my daughter."

"That's right, because that's your job isn't it, Renee?" I accused.

"You little shi...how dare you?" she had the nerve to ask.

Her shrill voice was grating, further fraying my already frazzled nerves. My continuing inability to find Bella had turned me into such a volatile mess that - even had I wanted the company of others - no one wanted to be around me, and I had been looking for someone to take my aggression out on since she left. That I just so happened to have been itching to fight this particular fight for years only exacerbated that, so I let her have it.

"It's a bit late to play the selfless mother now, don't you think? Don't even try that bullshit with me, Renee. I know better, because I was the one who put her back together every time you decided to make an appearance in her life. Your drive-by pseudo-parenting may have eased your guilt, but it did nothing good for Bella.

"You've hurt her more times, and much more deeply than I ever have, so you don't get to say shit to me about protecting her," I sneered. "How's Bella 2.0, your replacement child, by the way? Have you left her with the babysitter for days on end without so much as a word about when, or even if you would be back, so that you could run off to Mexico with your flavor of the week?

"Has she had to deal with knowing that you only came back because… Actually, why did you come back, Renee? Don't answer that. It doesn't matter, because we both know whatever you say would be bullshit, just some fabricated story you came up with to help you sleep at night. I really want to know though, are you getting it right this time around, or is she going to go through life feeling unloved by – and invisible to – her own mother as well? Is she going to grow up feeling worthless and undeserving of happiness the way Bella does? Or are you going to give this kid a fighting chance at having those things?

"Did you finally get a maternal instinct? Well, where the fuck was it when Bella was little and had nightmares? What about when she needed someone to soothe her adolescent fears, or guide her through the awkwardness of puberty? Were you too busy accusing her of trying to seduce your boyfriends to be her mother? Huh, Renee? Where the fuck were you for your daughter then?

"Maybe if you had been there for her instead of out fucking everything with a working dick, or a clit to lick, I wouldn't be spending Christmas day searching for the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe Bella wouldn't have Mommy issues and a fear of commitment if you had just one time put her first. Maybe, if she knew what love was, she wouldn't have run away from it when it was offered to her."

I was yelling right in her face at that point, and it felt...damn it feels good to be a gangster...damn good. It wasn't the whole truth, I wasn't admitting the role I had played in Bella's disappearance - it may not have even been the appropriate moment, and it was certainly irrelevant to the real problem at hand - but like I said, I had been wanting to tell her off for years. I wanted to make Renee feel as awful as possible…it's not like she hadn't earned it…and, if I was being honest, it was also nice to pretend – even if just for a moment – that someone else was to blame. I was killing multiple birds with one stone, all by screaming at Bella's piece of shit, lousy excuse for a mother. Still, I would have traded all of the dead birds in the world for finding Bella.

Caught up in using Renee as my whipping boy, I didn't notice her slowly shrinking away from me – face drawn and frame shaky – or Phil hovering just inside the door looking…torn? The rational part of me that remained, tiny as it may be, was appalled over my behavior, but didn't interfere, or stop me. Phil, however, did.

"Edward, I think that's about enough. I'm gonna have to ask you to show a little respect to my wife. Come on, man, just…take a walk or something, and calm down a bit."

"Nah, that's fine. I was just leaving," I replied, still glaring at Renee.

Keeping his eyes on me, Phil stepped into the doorway, and wrapped an arm around his wife, as he struggled for something to say that would ease the awkwardness of the situation. Because what do you say when the guy that had apparently been romantically involved with your step-daughter – whom you barely know – shows up on your doorstep, and calls your wife out for her shitty parenting skills? Giving up, he said simply, "Well, have a good day then?" His uncertainty made it sound like a question, though.

"Whatever," I sneered…because not only had I lost my nuts, I had turned into a thirteen-year-old, sulky fucking girl.

As I turned to leave, out of the corner of my eye I saw Renee pull herself up to her full height and square her shoulders. It was something I had seen Bella do a thousand times, and she and Renee looked so much alike that, if I hadn't known better, I would have thought that it was Bella. Of course, Renee had to speak, shattering the fantasy.

"I may have failed Bella in the past, but it's never too late to start." Renee didn't sound like she believed her words. After a brief pause, she continued with more confidence, "So even if I did know where she was, I wouldn't tell you."

I wanted to turn and scream at her that it was too late, that the damage had been done, but I knew I was being unfairly hypocritical…and I was pretty sure Phil wasn't above decking me if I didn't back the fuck off…so I said nothing. Instead, I gave her a final withering glare, turned, and walked away.

~/~

I didn't bother returning to Forks, or even calling my family, when I returned from Florida. No one questioned me about my disappearance…not that they would have, as most of them still weren't, speaking to me, and probably wouldn't be any time soon after leaving the way I had …but I wouldn't have told them had they asked; it was none of their business. Anyway, I could only assume Charlie had called my parents, or something. What-the-fuck-ever.

Time continued its slow death march.

She had been gone for nearly six months…176 days to be exact…when I finally had a break – which coincidentally coincided with the rest of the world's spring break – between clinicals. I hadn't given up hope yet, but I knew that my chance of fixing things with her dwindled with every day that slipped away from me.

I was tempted to go camp out in Chief Swan's front yard just in case Bella came home, but if she hadn't come home for the holidays, chances were she wouldn't be home for spring break either...like really fucking good chances. As much as I knew I was I was right, it was still difficult to convince myself of it. My only consolation was knowing that if Bella so much as breathed in the direction of Forks, Esme would know about it, and Esme was seemingly…shockingly…on my side. There was no way she could slip past me. When it comes to Forks gossip, the FBI wouldn't have anything on my mother.

I couldn't have gotten away from the city for a week anyway; I had too many commitments. I had all kinds of school shit to deal with, studying to do, and Jasper asked me to water the plants, and check the mail at his and Alice's apartment while they were in Mexico with Emmett and Rosalie. I gave Jazz and Em some shit for going away during Spring Break – I mean, they weren't even in school anymore, and they were still celebrating Spring Break? Grow the fuck up. Yeah, I was jealous.

If I hadn't ruined things, Bella and I could have been with them…Bella on a sandy white beach...in a bikini…or naked...but not on the beach because there was no way I would ever be cool with any motherfucker besides me seeing her naked. Not gonna fucking happen. Fuck! My dick had never hated me by even half as much as it did at that moment when he realized that I was responsible for the mother of all cockblocks...and the rest of me was in complete agreement with him. Had I not been such an epic fuck-up, I could have been in sunny Mexico, buried inside Bella at that exact moment. I spent a vast majority of the week angry and torturing myself by cataloging all of the positions and places that we could have fucked...in the ocean with her legs wrapped around my waist, on the beach with her on top, in the pool from behind, in a cabana with her pressed against the wall, in our hotel room going down on her in the bed, her going down on me in the shower, on the balcony any which way... I also spent a fucklot of time beating off. What? It was a really long list.

When I wasn't occupied with inappropriate thoughts of Bella, or handling...literally...the effects of those thoughts, I kept busy. I ran, I worked out, I studied for my OSC Exam and, when I couldn't handle being in my apartment any longer, I went to the library. Even though it moved slower than old people fuck, I managed to make it through most of the break without thinking of her constantly…and only calling Esme once a day to 'chat' about nothing.

~/~

On Friday morning, I realized that Alice and Jasper were due home sometime the next day, and my lazy ass hadn't bothered going by their place since the previous Friday. Knowing that I would be fucked if Alice were to find out, and not really feeling like listening to another one of her bitch-fits, I reluctantly headed across town.

I grabbed her mail from the first floor mail room – almost unable to turn the key in the lock, it was crammed so full of shit – and made my way up to the tenth floor bearing an armload of crinkled periodicals and scrunched envelopes. Seriously, who the fuck gets that much shit in just six days? I don't think I get that much mail in a month. Maybe even three. Barely managing to avoid toppling the Leaning Tower of Shit Alice Doesn't Need, I carefully unlocked the door and let myself in. I dropped my burden on the hall table just inside the front door, and headed to the kitchen to grab the watering can, causing a handful of my sisters very important correspondence to fall off as I walked past.

Fuck it, I thought, I'll pick them up on my way out...or I won't. Who knows? Alice would yell at me for it, but she was going to do that no matter what. She tended to shout everything she said to me, but at least she was talking to was a definite improvement on the cold shoulder she'd been giving me for months.

Watering can filled, I went through the house and watered the plants according to the directions taped to each planter…my sister, always the anal-retentive micro-manager. A few ounces here, then there, and on and on, ad nauseum, until I'd watered each plant. My loving sister had dozens of photos of Bella littered throughout the rooms near the houseplants, turning the place into a fauna-filled torture chamber – an Edward-specific Shop of Horrors – which explained why I hadn't been there since Alice and Jasper left.

By the time I finished, I'd forgotten about the pile of mail on the floor, kicking it in my haste to leave. My mind wandered as I gathered it up. Yeah, I bitched out. Picking up a white greeting card envelope, I was reminded that Jasper's birthday was coming up. I glanced down at the card, about to toss it onto the pile of mail I'd picked up, when a familiar loopy scrawl caught my eye; I was nearly floored. My eyes darted to the left-hand corner in search of a return address, and relief washed over me when I found it there.

I booked my flight over the phone as I scrambled around in search of a pen and paper on which to write the address. With the stolen address secured inside the zippered pocket of my fleece jacket, as well as entered into the notepad on my phone, and backed up online – What? I wasn't taking any chances – I placed the innocuous-looking envelope with the rest of the mail, tucking it into the middle of the stack, and headed out, closing and locking the door behind me.

I arrived at my condo with just enough time to throw random items into a bag and make it to my gate right as they made the last call for boarding.

~/~

Unable get a direct flight to New York, I had to make do with a connection in San Francisco and, nearly ten hours after leaving SeaTac, I finally landed in the city. It was just after one in the morning, local time, when I walked out of JFK and hailed a cab. I gave the cabbie the address stored in my phone and waited anxiously to arrive at my destination. It was late, and she probably wouldn't be awake to even answer the door, but after six months, dawn was just too far away; I couldn't wait a second longer to see her. Bag in hand and cabbie paid, I climbed out of the taxi and...just stood there, staring at the building in front of me.

Finally on the cusp of seeing her, I was rendered immobile, paralyzed by a mixture of fear and nerves. The adrenaline that had been driving me seemed to have fled, leaving me cold, empty, and unsure. It wasn't until the door began to close behind a group of stumbling college-aged kids that my feet resumed working and propelled me forward to catch the door before it latched. It was close to two in the morning, and some part of my subconscious was aware that getting inside without someone buzzing me was seriously impeded by the late hour; I couldn't afford to let the opportunity pass me by.

It was likely that I wouldn't have had to worry, as the hallways were full of people coming and going due to the rather loud party that was being thrown on Bella's floor…in Bella's apartment of all places, as it turned out. Are you shitting me? I had been drowning in misery and self-loathing for six motherfucking months, and she was living it up in the Big Apple? It's probably not what it looks like. I was trying to tamp down my urge to jump to conclusions. After all, Bella's jumping to conclusions – not without reason, mind you – was minutely to blame for Bella leaving in the first place. Taking a deep breath, I took the plunge and followed a group of people inside.

It was exactly what it looked like.

Imagine my surprise when the first person I ran into was…

"Angela? Angela Weber?"

Shock and confusion played across her face as she gaped at me. "Edward Cullen?"

Her confusion seemed to clear as she looked behind her, scanning the crowed room, but she appeared wary when she turned back to me. She gave me a quick once over, and by the time she reached my face, her expression had softened. Seeing the bag in my hands, she offered, "You want to put your bag in my room? It's locked."

I had actually forgotten about the bag slung over my shoulder, and couldn't have cared less either way, but not wanting to be a jerk, I nodded my assent and silently followed her through the closed door that was kitty-corner to the apartment door. Okay, I really wasn't terribly concerned about being rude – although acting like a dick to Angela Weber would have been a little like kicking a puppy – mostly I was just desperate to put off seeing Bella for a few more minutes. My nerves were still all over the place, and Angela's less than enthusiastic greeting had my self-doubt rocketing into the stratosphere. What the fuck was I doing? It was entirely possible that I should have put more thought into showing up on Bella's doorstep unexpectedly. I still had no clue what the fuck to say to her, or even how she would receive me.

Angela closed the door behind us, and then turned and appraised me. "So – you and Bella, huh?" she said after a moment.

I rubbed my hands over my face. "Uh, yeah. Is she here?"

I thought I heard her say something like, "It's about damn time," under her breath, but I couldn't be sure. "Here, I'll take that," she said, not answering me. Instead, she took my bag, and walked over to set it down on a narrow bench at the foot of her bed. She was still turned away from me when she spoke again.

"Bella's out there somewhere…probably in the kitchen with the booze...and her new friend." She stole a glance over her shoulder, gauging my reaction, and flinched at the look on my face.

The fuck? New friend?

"I'd, uh…get out there soon if I was you, before she disappears to, uhm…" I bristled over what she seemed to be implying, and she quickly finished speaking, but I was certain it wasn't what she intended to say, "…her room."

"Right," I said gruffly. I turned to leave, and decided I could be a bit more polite. I might be a dick in general most of the time, but Esme did teach me manners. As I reached for the door, I awkwardly added, "Thanks and, uh – it was nice to see you again, Angela."

"You too, Edward. I have to work tomorrow, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Just knock whenever you wanna grab your bag. I'm a pretty light sleeper so…"

I was both slightly buoyed and dismayed by her words. "Uh, okay. Yeah, I will. And thanks…again." I walked back into the even more crowded living room, closing the door behind me.

I wandered around the party for a while, chasing what always turned out to be elusive impostors before I found Bella…in the kitchen...pressed against the refrigerator and practically dry-humping some frat-boy while attempting to suck his lips off. Anger. Intense rage. Those were the first things I felt. It was quickly followed by relief that I was all the way across the room from them, because I wouldn't have been able to be held responsible for my actions had I been closer. I forced myself to remain where I was, aware that it wouldn't do me any good to go off half-cocked. I needed a plan.

So I stood there – jaw clenching, hands fisted – watching him grope the girl I loved…my girl…as she writhed against him, fighting every impulse I had telling me to go over there and inform him that she was spoken for. I wanted to deck him, toss her over my shoulder, and carry her off to some private place where I could then spend hours reminding her of the same thing, but I still retained a shred of sanity. A very small shred. I had no rights to her – I had seen to that – but knowing something does a shit lot of good when you're being ruled by your emotions.

The asshat fratboy ground his dick into her and grabbed her tit, and…fuck it. I couldn't take it any longer. Finally reaching my limit for seeing another man's hands and mouth all over her, I lost my fucking cool. Not even knowing that I was about to make the biggest mistake by revealing my presence to her in a display of possessive anger was enough to stop me. Not when she appeared to be moments away from taking him back to her room. Over my dead body. That wasn't going to be happening.

It was irrational for me to expect that Bella hadn't been with anyone else since I saw her last, not after what I had done to her. I may have been the bad guy throughout our arrangement, but Bella was no saint either. Letting me know that she could fuck other people whenever I hurt her too much had always been her standard MO. It wasn't especially mature of her, but neither were my caveman-like reactions to it, and nothing about our relationship had ever been mature – or healthy, for that matter. It wasn't like she did it every time I fucked around and, unlike me, she wasn't indiscriminate; despite me having treated her like one for five years, Bella wasn't a whore.

Rather than sleep around – not that I liked it any better, but once again, I had no right – Bella had a couple special friends that were there for her, no questions asked, whenever the need arose. So, like I said, I wasn't surprised to see Bella with a guy, but I didn't fucking like it, and there was something about the way she was behaving that seemed off. Maybe I was imagining it, looking for a way to justify the major cockblocking I was about to pull, but maybe I wasn't…and that wasn't a chance I was willing to take. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

~/~

My feet propelled me towards her, my arrival somehow timed perfectly so that as she began to lead him out of the kitchen, she turned and came to an abrupt stop inches away from my chest. My entire body throbbed from the almost contact, aching to crush her to me, but something in her eyes, the way she carried herself, warned me against it. She looked so…broken. I broke her. I had never been so aware of how much I didn't deserve her – had never done anything to deserve her – and the words that suddenly spewed from my mouth only served to drive that truth home, but I couldn't stop the flow…and then she left.

Too stunned to move, I stood there staring at the space that Bella had occupied only moments before. Did you honestly expect her to have forgiven you for all the shit you put her through, or be happy to see you? The thought stunned me - I hadn't really thought about it - but, stripped down to nothing by my grief over having lost her, I didn't have to dig far to find the answer. I had. Call it what you will – wishful thinking or self-delusion – but I had this vision in my head that she would know how much she meant to me when I suddenly showed up and, seeing that I was finally making an effort for her, she would – naturally – forgive me.

I was wrong. As usual.

But, unusually, I wasn't going down without a fight.

I determinedly set off after her, scowling at any and every guy that I caught staring in her wake. Fucking scavengers. Sick, opportunistic motherfuckers who wanted to take advantage of a drunk and obviously perturbed girl…but was I really so different from them? I had taken advantage of her for years. The answer was no, but I really didn't fucking care, and I'd be damned if I let anyone touch her. It may have taken me a while to get there, but my intentions toward Bella were finally pure…well, not entirely pure – I still wanted to do depraved things (that she would enjoy) to her – but I wanted more from her than the douchebags I was glaring at.

As I stepped into the short hallway, the slightly ajar door at the end was yanked open, and two people came scampering out, Bella's enraged shrieking trailing after both of them. The guy seemed mostly unruffled, and pretty amused (he was definitely going to be bragging about it for years to come), while the chick – clothing askew, boobs hanging halfway out of her shirt, and flushed like she'd just been fucked – looked mortified, not to mention furious. A small part of me was shocked and appalled that I didn't check out her exposed rack. Say whaaaaat? I could still hear her haranguing him long after they were out of sight, the sound eventually swallowed by the noise of the party.

I hesitated for a moment outside of her door before pushing it open carefully.

~/~

For months, I had dreamed of standing in front of her, apologizing to her, explaining myself, and watching her face as she realized what I had gone through to find her so I could make amends. To say that the experience was failing to live up to expectation when it was finally happening, would be an understatement. It was one of the most painful, devastating moments of my life…and I still hadn't actually spoken with her…the mudslinging we had done in the kitchen didn't count.

...We trade tit for tat like that for this, and I don't think that there was an insult that was missed...

From the moment I spotted her, everything went wrong…that wasn't how it was supposed to be, she was supposed to be happy to see me, to embrace me…and it only went downhill from there. Seeing her with that guy fucked me up in the head. I suddenly understood how she felt all those times she had caught me with someone else…and how she could keep coming back for more, no matter how much I hurt her. I had reacted without thinking – making outrageous accusations, and calling her a whore – and still, I wasn't done, it seemed, because there I was trapping her in her bedroom even though she clearly did not want to speak to me.

I was prepared to face her fury.

I deserved her wrath.

I wasn't prepared for the sight that greeted me.

...I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips, and I'm very sorry...

My shame and guilt spiraled, and increased even more when I found her sitting on the floor with her back against her bed, her knees drawn to her chest, wincing with each pull she took from the bottle of amber-colored liquor in her hand. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and set the bottle on the floor with a thud. Clearly not finished with it, she kept her hand wrapped around the neck, and stared blankly in front of her, as I quietly closed and locked the door behind me.

As awful as I felt, I was still selfish enough that I was going to go through with forcing her to listen to me, and I didn't want to be interrupted by anyone, especially none of those drunk fucks rockin' out with their cocks out in the living room.

…practiced are my sins, never gonna let me win, aw huh, under everything, just another human being, aw huh...

Of course, like everything else since I had walked through her front door, it failed to meet expectations.

~/~

…stay with me, you're all I see, I wonder everyday as I look upon your face, did I say that I need you? Oh, did I say that I want you? Oh, if I didn't, now I'm a fool you see, no one knows this more than me…as I come clean….

I attempted to tell her, once and for all, how I really felt about her, but she wouldn't listen. Tempers raged and grew and grew until anger – on both sides – boiled over, and I found myself spilling everything – everything – even shit that should have stayed quiet because knowing it would only hurt her more. I should have shut the fuck up, but once truth started pouring out, there was no stemming the tide.

I saw every wince, every new wound inflicted by my words, but I still couldn't stop. I didn't know which of us was being tortured more – her or me. It was no wonder she didn't want to hear that I loved her – was unable to believe that I loved her – or that she sent me away. I didn't deserve her five years ago, and I certainly didn't deserve her now – not after all I had put her through – but dammit if I didn't want…no, need her. Desperately.

I told myself, when I turned back around and kissed her, that it was simply a goodbye kiss, but deep down I knew better. I had hoped she would be like Sleeping Beauty except, instead of my kiss waking her up from an eternal slumber, it would wake her up to what we had, to what we could have. We weren't always this fucked up, and whether she wanted to admit it or not, there was something there, some deep connection between us. It was that connection that I had been counting on to carry us through the mess I had created.

I would be a liar if I said that I was disappointed our kiss escalated as it had. I'd been fantasizing about being with her – feeling her soft hands touching me, my hands and mouth and skin touching her, tasting each other, being inside her – for months, but it was never my intention for it to go so far. Feeling her quicken around my fingers as her breath stuttered, and she groaned unintelligible words…fuck! She was always beautiful, but she was gorgeous when she came. I watched her give herself over to ecstasy – her hand still wrapped around me tightly, but unable to keep up her previous rhythm – and then she was shoving me away, and…epic fucking blue balls.

Admittedly, my first instinct was to throw a fit…are you fucking kidding me?...about being left hanging when she got hers…you can't just stop like that…but luckily I had enough sense left to shut the fuck up. Just thinking about what she had said to me…

"Just give me a chance, please. I love you, Isabella. Please just give me a chance."

"Well, I don't love you, and I never will. Just go."

…crushed me. The ring that was in my pocket – the one that I'd bought for her months prior – suddenly felt hot and heavy against my leg, its presence burning my flesh and weighing me down.

…so have a good drown, as you go down, all alone, dragged down by the stone…

For one brief, desperate moment, I almost took it out of my pocket in a last ditch effort to gain her forgiveness. Somehow – just barely – I didn't make that egregious error. I'm stupid, but I'm not that dumb, thank God. As much as it hurt me to do so, I was going to do as she requested – I would leave.

I had decided long before I saw her face that I would honor whatever she asked of me. Anything she wanted, even if it would destroy me – which I was certain leaving her would do – I would give it to her, but before I left I made one last plea…for Alice.

…nothing you would take...everything you gave…

~/~

It was sometime around six in the morning when I walked out of her life and her room, closing the door behind me. I heard her break down as soon as the door was closed, and it took all that I had to not say fuck it, go back inside, and comfort her. But I'd promised, and if that was all she would accept from me, then I would give it to her. My heart had been ripped out of my chest, but still I would give her that; I would give her anything. Unable to walk away yet, I leaned my forehead against the door so that I could be there for her in some way…however abstractly.

I heard a throat clear, and turned around to see Angela – arms crossed over her chest – standing at the end of the hall. She waited until I met her eyes, turned around, and walked away clearly expecting me to follow. Sighing, I pressed my head back to the door, and made Bella a promise, "I'll love you forever. Forever. I swear it, Isabella Swan."

…hold me 'til I die...meet you on the other side…

I had destroyed everything – her – me – us. Bella hadn't just asked me to leave, she had been asking me to let her go. As I went to meet Angela, I made another vow. I would let her go. I would still love her – forever as I had promised – but I would no longer interfere in her life. I walked out into the now empty but filthy living room, prepared to meet whatever was in store for me. I couldn't quite meet Angela's accusing eyes as I approached her.

"I think – I think Bella could really use a friend right now, Angela. I just…she's not in a good place, and it's my fault, but I swear to God that I came here to fix it. I thought…well, it doesn't matter what I thought, because I fucked everything up like always.

"Just please take care of her…for me?" I asked in a whisper that was equal parts earnest and desperate. "I know we didn't really know each other in school, and I know I've never had the best reputation when it comes to the opposite sex, but I do love her, and I would never want anything bad to happen to her. So please…"

"You didn't need to ask. I better get back there before she finds out I'm consorting with the enemy." She tried to smile at me, but it was closer to a grimace.

"Right. Yeah. Well, um…thanks," I said, and made my way to the front door. Seeing my bag on the couch, I scooped it up on my way by.

Just before I closed the door behind me, Angela called my name, "Hey, Edward!"

I poked my head back in the door.

"For what it's worth, she loves you too…but sometimes love just isn't enough, y'know? You have some place to go?"

"Um…not really. I'm just gonna head to the airport, and catch the next flight home. Thanks…again, Ange."

She nodded, but didn't say another word as she turned and walked towards Bella's room. I let myself out, making sure that the door was locked behind me.

~/~

I didn't know what to do when with myself when I got back to Seattle, so I resumed my life as if nothing had happened. Suspended in space and time, I was numb, void. I functioned on some level – I did all the things I did before New York – but it was all wasted on me; I hardly knew I was even doing it.

Not only did I not have Bella, no longer could I even hold on to the dream of one day getting her back; I wished I'd never gone to New York. Hopelessness descended, leaving me more lost than I had been during the six long months that I'd searched for her. I was just an empty shell, not even sure why I bothered keeping up with the charade of living.

Inside, I knew why – I couldn't do that to my family because, whether they were speaking to me or not, they loved me. More importantly, I couldn't do that to Bella. She would blame herself, and allowing her to believe my blood was on her hands would be a worse crime than suicide. Besides, that would be the pussy way out; I'd made my bed, now I had to lie in it.

~/~

Two weeks after I returned to Seattle, I woke up to the annoying sound of Malice obviously in a tizzy about something. Whatever it was, I didn't want to hear it, so I pulled my pillow over my head and tried to ignore her, but her voice pierced through the cotton and down.

"Edward Anthony Cullen, if you don't get your ass up right this instant I swear to fuck you'll regret it! I've been trying to get you on the phone for hours. Now, unless you want to spend a large sum of cash replacing your precious baby grand, I'd suggest you pull that pillow off your head, and look at me!"

What the hell is she talking about, and how the fuck did she get in my room? Shit. I had never asked for the key to my apartment back…and what the fuck did she say about my piano?

"If you touch my piano, Malice, I'll run your shoes through a wood chipper, and shred your latest whatever-entino's," I threatened from behind the shield of my pillow. "What do you want?"

I was pretty sure that I knew what she wanted. It was the only plausible reason I could think of for her showing up out of the blue, but then again, with Alice, you never could tell. Pulling the pillow from my face, I faced the firing squad…just do it already…and don't miss.

From the expression on her face – I couldn't tell jack shit. I stared at her passively, idly wondering if she could tell from my eyes just how dead I was inside. She no longer intimidated me; she couldn't hurt me more than I already had. Only Bella could, and the only way for her to do it would be to remove herself from the world, to no longer exist, but it wouldn't hurt for long. I wouldn't be far behind her; I couldn't live in a world where she didn't exist. A bit fatalistic, and melodramatic of me, but oh well. It was the truth.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, Al? Gotta get your sadistic kicks somewhere, and you couldn't find any small animals to torture? Thought you'd stop by to see if you could make me just a little more miserable?"

She snorted. "Someone certainly thinks the sun rises and sets up his ass! Don't insult me. I wouldn't waste my time. You're doing a good enough job on your own, and it's no fun to kick someone when he's already down." Pausing, she gave me a long, perusing look, and then casually asked, "So…do anything interesting over break?"

Oh yeah, she knew. Since I was already in trouble…

"Not really. How 'bout you? Have a good time in Cabo?"

"Don't be cheeky, Doucheward. Bella called me last night."

Hearing her confirmation was totally different than surmising I was right. I tried not to read anything into it – she did it for Alice and because she was a good friend, not for me. Still, I could detect the faintest tingle run through me. It wasn't enough to resuscitate, but plenty to shatter me completely if things hadn't gone well.

Playing it cool, I quirked an eyebrow at her. "Oh?"

She gave me one of her patented 'shut the fuck up before I shut you up' looks, and I did just that – I shut up. Whatever shallow enjoyment I'd been getting from fucking with her lost its appeal.

"I know you went to New York and saw Bella and, while I think you're a fucktard for doing that, I've recently come to realize that it's none of my business what goes on between you two. Neither of you need me interfering, or further fucking things up for the two of you…Lord knows you do enough of that on your own," she added under her breath. A douchey comment was on the tip of my tongue, but Alice continued before I could get it out.

"Thank you though…for what you did…asking Bella to call me. You didn't have to do that – especially after the way that I've treated you the past six months – but you did, so thanks," she said softly and shyly.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to hug her, but I also wanted to kick her the fuck out. I did neither, just continued to stare blankly. Never one for needing encouragement, she continued.

"I've been a bad sister, and a bad friend, but all of that stops now. Whatever happened in the past, or happens in the future between you two, is just that – between the two of you. I won't be used as a middle-man, or speak to either of you about the other. That being said, Bella did ask me for one thing, and I agreed."

She bit her lip and looked away nervously. When she looked back at me, her face was a blank slate, leaving me to guess whether I would hate her or want to kiss her when she finished. The tiny ember of hope that still glowed somewhere deep in the recesses of my hollow chest suddenly roared to life, causing my heart to pound erratically. Holding my breath, trying to suffocate the flames, I waited for Alice to continue even though I wasn't sure I wanted to know Bella's message.

Alice only hesitated a moment or two before speaking.

"She wanted–," she paused, gulped down some air and, without looking at me, spit it out in one rushed breath, "–wanted me to ask you to respect her wishes, and stay out of her life."

That wasn't so bad; I already knew that.

"And also–," her voice even more apprehensive, "–she told me to tell you that she, 'meant what she said.'"

I felt as if I had just been punched in the gut…

"Oh, wait! There was more," Alice squeaked. "She also said that she, 'wasn't going to change her mind,' and that 'some broken things aren't meant to be fixed'."

…and then insulted, to add to the injury.

Outwardly, I looked fine – my stoic mask of indifference and disinterest remained intact; Alice was ignorant of the havoc she had just wrought. With five little words…she meant what she said…none of them longer than a syllable, the revived flame of hope in my chest was doused. When she delivered the remainder of the message, parts of my mask began to thin. Some broken things aren't meant to be fixed. Steam from the snuffing out of my hope billowed around me until the condensation obscured my view.

"What's that mean, Edward? What did she say…" Alice began questioning, but I couldn't hear her over the sound of my entire being shattering.

"Edward!"

It could have been days, but was more likely minutes, if not seconds, before I was able to acknowledge her. "What?" My voice was toneless, blank, hollow and dead to my ears.

She looked at me as if I was stupid. "What did she say?"

"I thought you said you were going to stay out of…" I stopped when I saw Ali's face – she looked more concerned for me, than nosy – and started over. "Nothing. It doesn't matter."

She wanted to press the issue, but somehow managed to hold her tongue, and let me be…for now. That could all change in five seconds.

"Look," I said brusquely, just needing her to leave, "I have some shit I need to get done before I meet up with my new lab partner at the library, so…I should get started."

"O-kay. What should I tell Bella if she asks what you said?"

"Tell her…whatever she wants; I just want her to be happy. I'll see you around, Al." Once again, she got no argument from me, just mumbled a hasty, love you, turned around, and was gone.

I remained in bed, exactly as I had been when she left, until I had to leave for the library to meet with my clerkship partner on a paper we'd been assigned.

~\\~

That was the first day of the rest of my life without Bella and, for better and worse, everything in my life changed.

Her relayed message was a brutal awakening, a cold hard truth that I was forced to accept. No longer could I tell myself that she didn't mean what she'd said to me – that she was angry, or under the influence and unaware of what she was saying – not when she'd had two weeks to cool down and contemplate it.

That was also the day there was a shift in the relationship between Alice and myself. She seemed to have finally found it within herself to let sleeping dogs lie, and had both absolved me of my sins and pardoned me of my crimes. We had always loved one another, but the small part of her that had for years wanted to hurt me was no longer at war with it.

Having turned over a new leaf, Alice jumped into our renewed relationship with both feet. Oh, joy is me. With a vengeance, she took it upon herself – enlisting the others in our group, of course – to pull me out of what she considered to be the 'funk' I was in. She didn't seem to get that it was so much more than depression or heartbreak over Bella's rejection.

Melodramatic and fatalistic-Romeo-and-Juliet as it may be, I had lost my reason for living when I lost Bella. The only reason I still existed was because she did, and when she ceased to exist, I would too. Until then, I was just going through the motions, putting in my time. I'd always been a fairly all or nothing individual; I never did things by half measures, but I resigned myself to my half-life, and went about my days trying to act as if it all mattered.

~/~

Against my will, hours and minutes and days and weeks passed by. Before I knew it, spring blossomed into summer, I'd completed my clinical, and it had been three months since I had seen Bella. I never stopped missing her, or wishing she were here. With little success, my sister persisted with her misguided attempts to engage me in my own life. Sure, every now and then I let her and the gang drag me out of the sepulcher that my apartment had become, but only enough to erase the pained expressions on their faces every time they looked at me..and to keep them from holding an intervention.

Alice had remained true to her word, not mentioning anything Bella-related to me or even speaking her name in my presence. I could only assume she hadn't mentioned me to Bella either, but Rose was under no such injunction, and I worried when her and Alice went to see Bella over Memorial Day Weekend. I didn't want Bella to know how pathetic I was. I didn't want her pity; it would kill me.

When they returned, any hope I had that Rose managed to keep her mouth shut vanished with one glance. The way she looked at me –halfway between piteous and smug, and as if she had a secret – was unsettling; Rose wasn't exactly known for her sympathy for me. I tried to not dwell on it, but it gnawed away at me, slowly metastasizing until its tentacles invaded every part of my mind, and it took all of my concentration to hide from it.

Falling back into not-so-old habits, I resumed avoiding my family. My attitude further deteriorated and, by the time my summer clinical began, I was in full-on anti-social dick mode, but at least I had something to distract me from worrying what Bella knew.

~/~

We spent the first day of the clinical in a conference room for orientation. Surveying the room when I walked in, I counted three rows, five tables deep, with each table seating two people. There wasn't a chance in hell that thirty people had signed up for the clinical, and that suited me just fine. Choosing an empty table in the back corner of the room, I spread my shit out, taking up most of it in a way I hoped screamed, 'Leave me the fuck alone!'

Apparently, the message wasn't clear enough.

A messenger bag landed on the floor beside me with a thud, followed by the metallic shriek of the chair as it slid across the worn tile floor. Oh, come the fuck on! I thought, glancing around at all the empty lab tables. I wasn't in the mood to make idle chit chat with some douchebag who would end up latching onto me and need to be coddled for the next six weeks. Fuck that! I would be just fine on my own.

About to shove my shit in my bag and move to an empty table, I was stopped by a familiar voice that I couldn't quite place. My head snapped up, meeting the speaker's eyes. She looked familiar. I hoped she wasn't a past conquest. I didn't think she was.

"Hey, Edward." She knew me, so maybe she was. "You don't mind–," nodding towards the chair beside me, "–do you?"

Um, yeah, I do.

Awaiting my answer, she began to nervously ramble – her words coming in one, long run-on sentence – when I continued to stare dumbly at her. "I wouldn't have bothered you, but this pervy guy, Tyler, who's been hitting on me for like a year now, is in this clinical and I really don't want to have to fend off his advances and attempted gropings or get stuck with him again if they partner us up and…well, you were the only person I recognized in here, but obviously you want to be…

"I'm just gonna… Sorry for bothering you. I wasn't thinking. I'll just be…" Her hand in a fist, she pointed with her thumb over her shoulder. "…go."

She bent down to retrieve her bag, still muttering to herself, when I compulsively reached out and stopped her. Shocked and startled, I stared at the hand wrapped around her forearm wondering what in the fuck I was doing, and it took me a moment to register that she was looking at me with big, questioning eyes waiting for me to speak. I didn't know why I stopped her, or what to say, but hoped something would come to me soon. I looked up at her…and words seemed even farther away.

The way she was looking at me – all earnest and eager and hopeful – and the way she looked – nervously nibbling her bottom lip and her cheeks flushed a soft pink – brought Bella to the forefront of my mind…not that she was ever far from there. I couldn't think, I was drowning, swept away by memories of another time, in another classroom, with another blushing girl. God, I missed her.

"Edward…?"

"Hmm? Oh! Um, yeah...sorry. I was being rude. You're more than welcome to sit here, uh…" What the fuck was her name again.

"Char-lotte," she said, pointing at herself.

I continued to stare at her - mouth open, questioning expression on my face. Anddddddddd…?

"I was partnered up with you." Keep going. "For a clinical in the Spring." MmHmm? "The Surgery clerkship at Harborview that started right after the break, and we were also both in the OB/GYN one over at Swedish immediately afterwards," she said carefully, and somewhat self-consciously.

I was the one who should be...and was...embarrassed. She had not only participated in two of the same clinicals as me, but she'd been paired up with me for one of them, and I didn't remember her! That wasn't exactly flattering, or good for a girl's self-esteem. 'Hi, apparently you know me, but you're so forgettable that I can't seem to recall your name or face. Could you tell me again, please?' Nice.

"Sorry, about that," I muttered. "I was a bit – distracted during the spring." That was a bit of an understatement. I had all but sleepwalked my way through the clinical, and wouldn't have managed to pass had it not been for my photographic memory.

"Yeah, apparently. Are you sure it's okay if I...? As eager as I am to be saved from certain molestation by Tyler, I don't want to intrude…"

Trying to reassure her, I gave her an unconvincing half-smile, and said, "I already know you. Better you than someone else, so I guess we're saving each other."

"Thanks, Edward. You're a lifesaver."

"Not a problem, Charlotte," I dismissed, saying her name in hope of actually committing it to memory this time.

I picked up my things, giving her some room, and orientation commenced.

~/~

Harborview's emergency surgery clinical was fast paced, which wasn't all that surprising since it was the leading trauma hospital in the state. From day one, there was no time to fuck around, but it suited me. I liked that there was no time to think about anything other than the trauma immediately in front of you, and I was so tired after my shifts that I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow. Oftentimes, I would even manage to sleep the entire night. The only downside to the clinical was that, despite my photographic memory, I found myself having to look up conditions or procedures entirely too often for my liking.

Charlotte and I did end up being partnered together again. It wasn't as awful as I anticipated it would be, since she was nearly as much of an academic overachiever as me and she ended up being a great study partner. Neither of us wanted to be the one to misdiagnose a patient, so we met up – always on neutral territory, of course – three nights a week. Charlotte persisted in asking me to grab a drink with her after every study session, and every time I turned her down.

After about the second week it had grown tedious, and she started to wear me down. Tired of feeling like a complete dick for constantly declining, I finally caved at the end of the third week, agreeing to join her for one beer. It had been a while since I'd socialized with anyone and, tempting Murphy and jinxing myself, I figured what could it hurt, and even offered to drive.

~/~

"Well, I'll be a motherfucker." Uh, no. That would be me. "Look what the cat beat to shit and dragged in. Edward Cullen as I live and breathe," drawled the familiar voice of my (former) best friend and future brother-in-law from behind me.

And because where there's smoke, there's usually my dumbass brother…

"Who's the babe, Eddie?" he inquired. I didn't even have to turn around to know that he was blatantly checking Charlotte out. That's just how he rolls, despite the Wicked Bitch of the Pacific Northwest having his balls in a jar.

…I'm on my knees, pretty, pretty please kill me! I want to die! Put a bullet in my bra-a-a-ain...

I turned around just in time for… Whack! A hand struck the back of Emmett's head, and then Rose materialized at his side looking as bitchy as ever. Speak of the devil and she shall appear.

"Damn, babe! What was that for?"

She rolled her eyes. "Think, Emmett!"

She turned her attention to Charlotte – who, by this point, was leaning back against the bar watching my family's shenanigans and asshattery. Extending her hand, Rosalie introduced herself, "Hi, Rosalie Hale, Edward's soon-to-be sister-in-law. Please excuse my worse-half. I swear he's not as dumb as he looks, he just hasn't quite mastered thinking before he speaks."

What the fuck? Rose being nice? Rose is never nice. I didn't bother to follow along as the conversation carried on around me, I was too busy hypothesizing just what exactly was going on. Maybe Rose was a pod person? Multiple personality disorder? Not coming up with anything useful…or remotely plausible…I considered giving up altogether…but no. In a brilliant display of just how much my social skills had deteriorated during my self-imposed expulsion from my former life, I blurted the question out.

"The fuck you playin' at, Rose? Why the hell are you being so nice? You're not nice."

There was a split second of absolute silence within the little bubble we had formed in our corner of the bar, during which time seemed to come to an abrupt halt, and everyone – except for Rose and myself – held their breath…and then the bubble burst. Reality pushed its way in as oxygen pushed its way out of their lungs, and time started spinning madly around us in hyper speed as if trying to make up for the delay.

Alice's voice (Had she been there the whole time?) rang out like a starting gun, alerting the others…ready...set…that it was go time, and they simultaneously reacted.

"Edward!" Alice chastised, eyes all bugged out.

"Dude…" Emmett shook his head in…possibly mock…disappointment, and tossed Charlotte an apologetic look. Which was rich coming from the king of the inappropriate comment.

Jazz didn't actually say anything, but his loud sigh, the way he averted his gaze, and the way he rubbed his his forehead said plenty. Could you fuck this situation up any more, dumbass? Bringing his eyes to mine for a moment, he purposefully looked to my side… Fuck! I had forgotten all about Charlotte. Intending to apologize to her, I was stopped mid-turn by Rosalie.

"Believe me when I say I didn't want to, but Alice made me promise to play nice. She didn't want me ruining your little date for you." She somehow managed to simultaneously roll her eyes and sneer at me. "I mean you're more likely to fuck it up than me, but she started off on this rant about this being the first time anyone has seen you attempt to be social without being forced, and how you've practically been on suicide watch for the past nine months, blah, blah, blah, blah…"

"Rosalie!" "Rose!" Alice and Jasper yelled at the same time while Emmett looked on, admiring the fracas with glee. I just stood there – mouth gaping and completely dumb – unable to react.

Emmett copied Charlotte's pose, kicking back against the bar with his arms crossed over his chest. When our sister and his girlfriend began to bicker – Jazz trying without success to settle everyone down – he looked even more delighted than he had when Rose began her tirade.

Emmett covered his mouth with his hand, and conspiratorially stage whispered to Char, "Just wait. You haven't seen anything yet. It's just getting good. God, my girl is smokin' hot! I love it when she gets all sassy and bitchy." He snorted. "No one can spin our little sister up quite the same way Rose can, and I've spent my entire life trying.

"Watch this." He winked at Charlotte, cupped his hands to his mouth, and called out, "Don't let that shrimp push you around! Show her who's boss, baby!"

"Shut-up, Em!" both girls snapped at him.

While the full force of their glares were aimed at him, Emmett looked properly scolded, calling out, "Sorry, babe…Alice." But the second their attention returned to each other, he was smirking again.

"Works every time," he said under his breath. Idiot.

Despite Emmett's outburst, Rose and Alice didn't miss a beat, their argument picking right up where they left off.

"He started it, Alice! If he could have managed to not act like a complete dickhead for five seconds…"

"Rosalie Hale! So. Help. Me. God. If you say one word, you will regret it. Apologize now, and then keep your mouth shut until you leave, or I'll do it. You know I will."

I glanced at my brother, my face scrunched in confusion. Huh?

He raised his eyebrows, and his grin widened. "Alice told Rose that if she didn't play nice, she'd cancel the reservations for the wedding venue. It took both Alice and mom pulling strings to get us in there," he said in a low voice.

"Would she really do that?" Charlotte asked.

"Yes," we answered in unison without hesitation while continuing to stare straight ahead.

"Wow, that's cold."

"No, that's Alice," I corrected.

~/~

At Jasper's urging, and much to Emmett's disappointment, Alice and Rose excused themselves to continue their discussion in private.

I took the opportunity to apologize to Charlotte, and she told me I could make it up to her by staying for another drink or two. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I didn't have a choice. Fuck, I sounded like Meursault.

"My treat," I offered, and she smiled.

"Hey man, we're going to go get a table, alight?" Jasper asked.

"Cool, I'll meet you over there."

Charlotte left with them while I turned back to the bar and ordered a couple beers. Alice and Rose were there when I finally found the table, and I noticed that they had kind of split up into groups around it – the women congregated, engrossed in conversation, at one end, and the men on the other watching a game on one of the many flatscreens located around the bar.

Jasper and Emmett tried drawing me into conversation about the Mariners' chances this year, but I couldn't focus on the discussion. I kept giving vague, monosyllabic answers, or making non-committal noises, hoping they wouldn't notice my distraction. I was trying not to eavesdrop on the girls' conversation… Okay, maybe I wasn't trying that hard, but I just wanted to make sure that Alice and Rose – mostly Rose – kept their claws sheathed and didn't embarrass me any further.

It's not like Charlotte knew that she would be subjected to this kind of scrutiny, or the tag-team, good cop/bad cop interrogation being conducted by Turner and Hooch at the other end of the table…I think it's obvious which of the two of them is Hooch…when she asked me to grab a beer with her. I couldn't believe Alice and Rose. Charlotte and I weren't even really friends, and they were acting as if they were vetting the future mother of my children, or a supreme court justice…or their best friend's replacement for my affection, which was bullshit. It wouldn't have been fair of me to let her fend for herself against that.

"So how do you know Edward?" I heard Alice ask her.

"Med school. We had a couple clinicals together last quarter, and he kind of got stuck with me for another one all because he did a good deed and let me sit with him."

"Oh, wow! That long," Rose said sweetly, and it would have been okay if that was all she said…but it wasn't. She had to follow it up in that passive-aggressive bitchy way that she learned from her WASP-y mother. "Hmmm? That's an awfully long time to be hanging together without Edward ever mentioning you to…any of us."

"Well, I don't see why he would mention me, we're just classmates," she replied just as sweetly, but with a bit of acid lacing her words, giving as good as she got.

A sharp, acerbic laugh bubbled in my chest, and slipped past my lips before I could stop it. I coughed, trying to cover it up, but – if the glares, and barely concealed smirks were any indication – no one was buying it. I brought my beer to my mouth before anyone had the chance to say anything, and started gulping it down. Wrong move.

"Well, I wouldn't feel too badly about it. He rarely fucks a girl long enough to bother mentioning her," Rose helpfully informed her.

Trying to aspirate the liquid, I choked, spitting beer all over the table in front of me…as well as the faces of Jasper and Emmett. Emmett kind of deserved it though. The fucker should put a muzzle on her if he's gonna take her out in public.

"Dude! Party foul! It's swallow, not spit, bro," Emmett grunted in annoyance. "Fuck! What are ya', new or something?"

Disgusted, Jasper wiped his face, and my sister half-heartedly chided Rose, "Rosalie."

Busy trying not to choke to death on my beer, I was unable to say anything, but it turned out I needn't have bothered; Charlotte handled Rose on her own.

"You've noticed that about him too? I rather enjoy that about him since I have no interest in who my study partner and classmate is fucking. Does your fiancé know you're so interested in who his brother's fucking because, I have to say, it would concern me if I were him? Well, it's been a real pleasure, but I have to be going now." With that, she stood up and gathered her things.

Finally able to draw a fluid-free breath just as she started to walk away, I snapped. "Real fucking nice, Rose. You're a complete bitch, you know that? I'm not fucking anyone, since you're so Goddamn interested, and – for the record – if I was, it wouldn't be the business of anyone here but me. You can stop looking out for her. Trust me, she doesn't give a shit what I do because she doesn't want me!

"I went there and I groveled and I tried to get her back, but she let it be known, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't love me back! While I've been trying to find her, and pining away for her, she's been... Fuck! She's been moving on with her life. I fucked up with her in the past, don't think I don't know that, or that I wouldn't give anything to go back and change it. I fucking tried to fix it, but I couldn't…so fuck all of you! You don't get to judge me."

I had more to say, but before I could get the words out, a couple bills were tossed on the table in front of me.

"I've got this round." Charlotte.

"Edward," she said looking at me. "Thanks for grabbing a drink with me. I wouldn't have asked, but I don't know a lot of people here, and I hate grabbing a beer by myself. Too many Tylers out there. I'll see you at the hospital. Bye." She turned to leave again, and I jumped up to follow, intent on apologizing for everyone – but mostly Rosalie…again.

I hadn't wanted to be there in the first place, wanted to stay even less and, with Charlotte storming off, I no longer had any obligation to do so. I snatched my jacket from the back of my chair, and said, "I'm out. Don't call."

And, without a glance at any of them, I left.

"Real nice, Ro," I heard Jasper say as I walked away.

Followed by Emmett in his 'please don't kick me out of bed' voice. "Come on, babe…"

~/~

Charlotte was already walking down the sidewalk by the time I made it outside and called her name. Either she was ignoring me, or she hadn't heard me, because she didn't stop, so I took off after her at a jog. She was waiting for the signal to change at the crosswalk when I caught up to her.

"Hey…" Her shoulders stiffened upon hearing my voice. She didn't turn around or acknowledge me, and the word trailed off. "Charlotte?"

She sighed, but finally answered, her voice monotone, "What, Edward?"

"I wanted to apologize for my family…and Rosalie. They were way out of line…and I'm sorry." Douche.

"It's fine," she said abruptly.

"Are you sure, because you don't sound like it was fine?"

"It's fine, Edward. Just let it go."

"Ooo-kay. So – are we cool then?"

"Yep."

Her replies were short and snippy to the point of being terse, and I wasn't sure why, but I didn't like it. What the fuck did I do? The signal changed then, alerting us that it was safe to cross the road, but she didn't make any move to go.

"You gonna cross the road now, or catch the next signal?" I asked trying to be funny.

She sighed loudly again. "Why are you still here? Don't you have someone to go fuck?"

"What?" I asked confused. Seriously, what is it with chicks and their random leaps of 'logic' that I just don't understand?

"Nothing. I'm just – that Rose girl is a raging bitch, y'know?"

I knew she was changing the subject, but, worried about the direction that she may have been going, I let her do it. I didn't want to ruin our casual acquaintanceship. It was easy. Simple. She didn't expect anything more of me than to do my share of the work, she didn't look at me with pity or disgust, and she never seemed as if she was judging me. Best of all was the fact that she didn't know Bella.

"The sad thing is that she wasn't even trying to be a bitch. That wasn't even scratching the surface of her bitchiness. If her untapped bitchiness were an oil reserve, Iran would be dependent upon us for oil."

She tilted her head, and squinted her eyes, peering up at me. "Did you just…oh, my God! Did Edward Cullen just make a – a joke?"

"Maybe, but – you know – don't go telling anyone. I'll just deny it if you do."

"Oh, I won't. It wasn't that funny," she teased, and then we were both silent and she was staring at me in a way that felt familiar, but I couldn't name it.

I started to feel uncomfortable, because joking around with her was a little too close to the lighthearted taunting Bella and I used to engage in – the lighthearted taunting that was always a precursor to more with us – and it felt like such a betrayal to act that way with anyone else.

Needing a break from the tension that seemed to have fallen over us, I grasped for something to say. "So, you're really not mad at me."

"Really, really. You can't be held responsible for someone else bitchiness. You shouldn't be upset with them either…well, maybe Rose." She smirked and I laughed. "Seriously though, they're your family, and they were just looking out for you."

"They were butting their noses in, and jumping to conclusions is what they were doing, but thanks for not taking it personally."

We lapsed into silence again, and I had to – again – break it. "Well, I should get going. We've gotta go in tomorrow, and I need my beauty sleep. You want me to walk you home, or drive you?"

"Nah. I'm just gonna grab a cab."

"Okay. I'll wait with you until you get one."

"Oh, you don't have to…"

"It's 11:30 at night, Charlotte. I'm not just going to leave you standing out here by yourself. My parents raised me better than that."

Luckily, the wait wasn't long. Seconds after the words were out of my mouth, a cab pulled over to the curb to drop some people off, and I held the door for her as she climbed into back.

"I'll see you in class Monday. Sorry again about Rose, and the others."

"Fuhgettaboutit," she said doing a bad mobster impression. "No harm done. Thanks for grabbing a beer with me. I'll see ya tomorrow. Night, Edward."

She smiled, and I closed the door, tapping the top of the cab to signal the driver that he could go, As the cab pulled away, Charlotte gave me a little wave. Nodding back, I walked to where I'd parked my car, and went home.

~/~

I didn't talk to Alice or the rest of them for over a week. I'd intended to not speak to them for much longer, but my sister decided to break into my apartment at dawn again, this time on a Sunday.

"Oh, shut up, Edward. Get real, it's not breaking and entering if I have a key."

"What do you want, Alice?" I asked, feeling like we'd had this same conversation one too many times over the past few months.

"I was just in the neighborhood and, y'know..." Tossing a look in my direction, she was all incredulity and annoyance. I could all but hear her unspoken insult...asshat. "What do you think I want? Your attention. Since you've been making such an obvious effort to avoid all of us, I figured this was the only way to get it."

She threw me some clothes that – when they hit me in the face – I didn't recognize, so I knew that they were new, and then said, "Get your ass out of bed and dressed. I brought breakfast, and I'm starving."

She walked out of my room, closing the door behind her, and I did as told because there was no use arguing with her. As I dressed in the new clothes Alice had assaulted me with, I made a mental note to get my locks changed. I knew I wouldn't do it, but acting as if I would made me feel less angry. Even with my detour to take a piss and brush my teeth, I was standing across from Alice at the breakfast bar in my kitchen in just over five minutes.

We silently split up the food, she handed me a cup of coffee, and started eating before she finally began to speak.

"Charlotte seemed nice."

"She's just my fucking lab partner, Alice," I said, instantly exasperated.

"I know, I know!" She held her hands up in surrender, and I took a deep breath, feeling slightly calmer when I let it out in a big sigh. "Sorry about Rose. You know how she can be. She's just protective of Bella, but now that she knows everything she…shit. It doesn't matter."

Alice blanched, and I stilled, a bite of food suspended in the air on the fork in front of my face.

"What's that supposed to mean, 'now that she knows everything'?"

"Nothing, Edward."

"No. Not nothing, Alice. What the fuck did that mean?"

"Can't you just let it go? You're not going to like it, and it's nothing serious anyway."

I was starting to panic, not liking what her words could mean. As much as I didn't want to know, I had to know, and I prayed that my imagination was just running away with me.

"No, I can't just let it go."

It was silent for a long while as we stared each other down.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Alice!" I bellowed, startling her. "You'd better start talking right now, or I swear to God you'll regret it."

Her face tightened and grew red with anger. "Fine, you wanna fucking know? You really want to know?"

I nodded.

"Then I'll fucking tell you, but you better fucking remember that you asked for it, when you get pissed."

"Whatever, Malice. Just fucking tell me."

"Bella's been seeing someone for awhile now."

My face fell as my worst fears came true, even though I knew I had no right to be upset.

I was right; I didn't want to fucking know.

~/~

Songs Used
(In Order of Appearance):

Little Motels, Modest Mouse
Just Breathe, Pearl Jam
Dogs, Pink Floyd
Just Breathe, Pearl Jam
Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangster, Geto Boys
Somebody Kill Me Please, Adam Sandler (from The Wedding Singer Soundtrack)

Notes:

1. '…99 days and I had 99 problems…' is a reference to a Jay Z's song 99 Problems

2. OSC exam - Objective Structured Clinical Examination is given during the winter/spring quarter of the second year, and the senior OSCE is given in specific weeks at the end of third year or the beginning of the fourth. It assesses whether the appropriate level of clinical skills have been learned.

3. Meursault is the protagonist in the book The Stranger by Albert Camus

A/N:
Enormous thanks and love to V and Em for betaing for me, Char for continuing to pre-read (this fic, and especially this chapter, would be nothing without your help), and my fellow LoD girls.

As always, my eternal gratitude to all of you for reading, reviewing, and recommending this fic. I have been horrible with replies the past couple updates, and I apologize. I do read every one of them, and they provide inspiration/motivation on days that I words won't come easily.

I will be out of town for a week at the end of this month, so I won't be able to get much writing done. I apologize in advance, and again for the lateness of this. I don't like how much time elapsed between updates any more than you did, and I will make an effort not to allow it to happen again.

Recommendations:
Paper Heart by Hezpixie
Summer of Salt by lola-pops
Major Misconduct by m7077
For the Summer by camoozle
Disappear Here by h32mh32m