Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all recognizable characters, plots, etc. Only original content, characters, etc. belongs to author. No copyright infringement intended.

Any errors contained herein, are expressly the fault of the author and not her betas.

Word Count: 9898

A/N: I was on vacation for nine days in Manhattan, and got no writing done, and RL is a bit of a disaster right now. This chap's been done for nearly two weeks, but I didn't know that one of my beta's was on vacation and unable to get to this. My apologies for the wait. Heartfelt thanks to my awesome beta, Vanessarae (EchoesOfTwilight should be back to beta duties next chapter), and my amazing pre-reader, RedVelvetHeaven. I couldn't do it without you gals.

Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing. I try to get to as many replies as I can, but please know that I do read and appreciate every single one of them more than I can ever express.

BH was nominated for a Glove Award. Thanks to whoever it was that did that. Vote if you want.

Finally, thanks to everyone who bid on the For the Love of Lisa auction during FGB. I've been working on my fic contribution for that, and it's turned into a short multi-chap fic. The winning team has exclusive rights to it for two months, but after that it will be posted here.

Sorry for the long A/N.

Enjoy!

Chapter 3 – Breaking the Habit

Memories consume,
like opening the wound,
I'm picking me apart again…
…'cause inside I realize
that I'm the one confused…
...clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door…
…I hurt much more
than any time before…
…I'll paint it on the walls,
'cause I'm the one at fault…
…But now I have some clarity…
…so I'm breaking the habit…

- Breaking the Habit, Linkin Park

~\*/~

Blasphemous.

All my denials of loving him. That he believed me though…

How could he believe me? How could anyone believe me! It felt like I had been in love with him for my entire life, even though it had only been five years. Five years spent taking whatever scraps I could get. Five years spent believing…hoping…he was capable of loving me, thinking that he was just afraid to say the words. Five years of having my heart broken every time it started to heal. Five years of being his rug…well, no more.

Not everything I told him was a lie. Yes, I loved him – God, I loved him with all my heart and with every fiber of my being, he was etched in my soul – but I couldn't do it anymore; I was done with him. I hadn't been lying when I said that.

The days following his unexpected spring break visit, I fell apart. I was a bloody mess, my emotions all topsy-turvy and bouncing between anger, joy, and everything in between; I just couldn't seem to get a grip on them. Of course, the comedown from all of the drugs in my system may have played a part in that. Stranger things have happened. When I finally began leveling out, I forced myself to look objectively at the past five years of my life, and all that had happened between us, all the damage that we had both caused and received.

After a certain point, all my introspection became too much, so I stopped. Of course, it was at this point that Angie, for some reason – maybe fear that I would slip back into my old habits, maybe something else – finally decided to get pushy, sitting me down and insisting that I give her something in the way of an explanation. I was reluctant, but after everything she had put up with since I'd moved in, I owed it to her.

I won't deny that my curiosity over finding out what she'd hinted at the morning that he'd left was a motivating factor. So, despite having absolutely no right, I bargained with her – her story for mine.

~\\~

"I was a huge dork in high school."

"I don't remember you being a dork, Ange," I interjected. She shook her head, a sad smile on her face, but I continued. "I remember you being shy, but you were also genuine and willing to defend someone's honor even if it caused you trouble, and didn't exactly endear you to the bitch brigade."

"With the braces, the glasses, and the whole 'goody two shoes pastor's daughter' thing, I was definitely a bit of a dork, but it wasn't always like that.

"Growing up, Lauren, Jess…,"

"Skanky-Dee and Skanky-dumb," I interrupted again, earning a small, but this time genuine, smile from Angela.

"That's them," she agreed with a soft laugh. "We'd always been friends, but as we got older it seemed as if our friendship was based more on proximity/vicinity rather than any real amity – there just weren't a lot of options in a town that small. By the end of our junior year, they'd become out and out catty, only remembering we were friends when it suited them, and it was getting old.

"Things finally came to a head over the summer when Lauren used me as her alibi so she could sneak out to fuck some guy in Port Angeles –," Alarms rang in my head, and I remembered Laurent's party. "– and I failed to corroborate her story. It wasn't like I could – my parents were standing right there – but she didn't care. As far as her and the rest of her band of tramps were concerned, I had betrayed her.

"After that, I was virtually outcast. They did some pretty awful things to me, and it only got worse any time I spoke up, or otherwise drew attention to myself. After one particularly bad Friday in gym, I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't!

"And I planned to…but I didn't. I was in the locker room crying with no clothes – they took everything, including my towel, so I was dripping wet – and you loaned me something to wear. You let me cry on your shoulder, invited me over to Alice's for the night, and stayed by my side the entire party. You made me feel like I mattered for the first time in a long time, and it meant the world to me.

"I obviously didn't go through with my plan, but I realized that I needed help and I got it. I began taking anti-depressants, and went to counseling for a while, and I've been fine since then, but if it wasn't for you…well, you saved my life. Even if you didn't know it. And I'll be forever grateful."

I was astounded and awed that something that had been so inconsequential in my life had made such a huge impact in hers.

"I don't know what to say, Ange. I…"

"You don't have to say anything, I just…well, thank you."

"You're more than welcome. I'm happy you didn't – y'know…"

Angela just nodded, and switched topics. "So…Edward Cullen? What was that about?"

"I don't even know where to start. I guess when I moved to Forks…"

I told her everything – all of it – down to the last, sordid, little detail, not caring that I sounded like a total whore-bag, and the longer I spoke, the less it became me telling her and the more it became me talking the situation out. I made more progress in those few hours that I talked to Angela than I had in the previous six and a half months. It was as if I was seeing the situation through fresh eyes, or for the first time, and I had several epiphanies.

First and foremost being, that I was every bit as guilty as, if not more so, than he was. He didn't do this to me against my will, it didn't just happen to me, and I wasn't a victim. I'd sought it out, encouraged it, and actively participated…very actively, I might add. All of my blaming him, 'woe is me' bullshit, was just that – bullshit. I had felt like I couldn't walk away, but the truth was that I could have…only I didn't. Instead, I enabled his behavior, allowing him to treat me as if I was a rug. He never lied to me about who he was. I knew exactly what I was getting into when we got involved, knew he wasn't capable of being the person I wanted him to be, but I still went forward with our arrangement. How could I not be the guiltier party?

He may have been the one to deal the blows, but the real source of my pain was me. The realization made me regret sending him away, and had me picking up the phone to tell him how wrong I'd been, but I didn't. Even though I'd been wrong, it didn't change a thing. We were unhealthy for each other. Co-dependent at best, and at worst – emotional succubae feeding off each other, until we slowly drained the other dry.

This was what was best for us.

In the long run.

Best for him.

And best for me.

Even if it didn't feel like it…and it didn't. At all.

…get out my life why doncha, babe…

I was proud of my newfound clarity and self-realization. I was finally being honest with myself. It did nothing to ease the ache of his loss – he still had my heart – but I was more determined than ever to get over him. Still...I kept picturing his face when I shoved him away from me after he got me off, and then subsequently tossed him out of my room. I'd never seen him look that defeated, not when I left him in the meadow the summer before, not even when he recounted what had happened in Chicago all those years ago.

…set me free why doncha, babe…

It was almost enough to break my resolve, but then I would remember the look on that bitch's face…Tanya…when she shoved past me into the Cullen's house to launch herself at him. I found a certain pleasure in making him feel a minuscule amount of the pain and heartbreak that I'd felt over the past five and a half years.

…'cause you don't really love me, babe…

I didn't feel any less hurt or betrayed after my realizations, but taking responsibility for your actions was supposedly the first step towards moving on. To me it felt more like a blind leap off a cliff, but it had to be taken. After all, I went to New York to get away from and get over him, but all I'd really done was bring him with me.

We had always been like two satellites orbiting each other – I countered his every little action and he did the same to mine – and here I was, twenty-five hundred miles away and still reacting to him. Edward was like a bad habit that I'd held onto for far too long – like smoking pot or partying too hard…well, maybe not smoking pot, because that makes me chill…and turns me into a hungry, hungry hippo. Either way, I was too old to be maintaining such bad habits. It was time for me to break them, and develop new, healthier ones. Whatever the fuck those were.

…you just keep me hanging on…

"Bella…you know you can't keep living life the way you have been," Angela said – tentatively as if she was afraid of my reaction – when I came to the end of my tale of woe. "Something's gotta give, and right now…it looks like it's going to be you."

"I know, Ange. I need to start living my life, and making my choices based on what's good for me – what's going to make me happy – rather than what's going to spite Edward. I love – loved Edward, and I'm sad that we're over, but we constantly tore each other down.

"I doubt that I'll ever feel that strongly about someone again, but maybe passion that intense isn't sustainable…" I trailed off, getting lost in my head, and thinking to myself, 'Maybe there isn't enough oxygen to fuel a flame that burned that hot; we were like a supernova.'

Knowing I needed to think, Angela let me be. She rose from the couch, kissed the top of my head and quietly slipped into her room, closing the door behind her.

As much as I'd progressed, I still didn't want to get out of bed most days, but at least I was no longer wallowing. I was pushing through the ache and depression, and getting on with my life. I still found myself having to quell sudden urges to call him up and beg his forgiveness but, hour-by-hour, and day by day, it grew easier.

~\\~

I vacillated on honoring Edward's request to call Alice, but finally, as part of my new resolve to grow the fuck up and get on with my life already, I decided to do it. It wasn't fair to punish both Alice and myself for something Edward had done. After all, she had warned me from the outset that he was trouble. She had even gone so far as to make me promise to stay away from him, and I had ignored her; I certainly couldn't hold him against her, considering.

It was nearly two weeks after Edwards's visit when I finally picked up the phone to call her, and I was terrified that she would hang up on me, if she even bothered to answer. I pulled up her name, not allowing myself time to think or wimp out, and pressed send. Listening to the ringtone, waiting for either her voice or her voicemail, the catalogue of my crimes ran through my mind, and I filled with despair.

There was no way Alice would ever forgive me. Not after the way in which I had walked out on her with so little explanation, and without even the decency of actually speaking to her when I finally did gave her the bullshit reason I'd concocted. I had taken the pussy way out, waiting until I knew it wasn't likely she would answer her phone, and leaving a message. I never called again, or even bothered texting her since I'd left. On top of it, I had changed my number without telling her, and she had no way of contacting me since I hadn't given it to her.

Even if she did manage to look past all of that…which was unlikely...she had to be aware of the real reason that I'd left Seattle by now. She had to know that not only had I broken the very first promise I'd made her, but I'd lied to her for years about it; I couldn't imagine her ever forgiving that.

As my crimes continued to add up, I fought to keep myself from hanging up the phone. I couldn't avoid Alice forever…and, truthfully, I'd rather get it over with while I was on the other side of the country where she couldn't hurt me. I was losing the battle. Just about to hang up, her voice came over the line.

"Hello, this is Alice!"

I froze with my finger on the 'Call End' button, saying nothing. Apparently, whatever froze my vocal cords affected my brain as well, because more than thirty seconds elapsed before I realized that Alice too was silent. I wasn't even sure if she was still on the line, but I didn't recall hearing a beep…although that didn't mean anything since my sense of awareness was obviously on the fritz. Still mute – just in case she was still there, so I could tell myself I'd tried – I slowly pulled the phone away from my ear.

I had barely removed it when I heard a gasp, and then Alice's voice asking, "Bella?"

Her voice was like kidskin leather, but behind it was a guilt-inducing hesitancy almost as if she was trying not to frighten a wild animal. Although I wasn't sure which of us she was trying to soothe. Regardless, the sound was in stark contrast to the voice in my memories, and the difference caused me to croak out her name, my mouth having suddenly gone dry.

I heard an indrawn breath, shallow and sharp, and then…thump!

"Alice! Alice!" I shouted, concerned that she was hurt. "Alice!"

"Bel-Bella?" she gasped between ragged sobs that rendered her sudden gush of words nearly unintelligible. "Is it really you? I can't believe… God, I've been so worried about you. I bug the Chief every chance I get, but… Well, he's apparently grown immune to my charms, because he won't tell me anything except that you're doing fine."

She paused, and I could practically see the little 'v' form between her perfectly groomed brows, and the pucker of her mouth as she tried to wrap her mind around someone being resistant to her charms. The concept was so foreign to her, that the sheer inconceivability seemed to help her calm some, and her gasping breaths gave way to shallow hiccoughs and quiet sniffles, as she seemed to regain some of her equanimity.

"Then again, he wasn't all that inclined to share since I wasn't exactly forthcoming myself regarding you and my brother." Amused with herself, a slight chuckle bubbled out, and I couldn't help the smile that graced my face. It didn't escape me that it was the first time I had genuinely smiled in ages.

"Thank God for that! He'd probably shoot him if he knew," I blurted out, before remembering it wasn't a humorous topic. Realizing what I'd said – what I now had proof that Alice knew of – I started apologizing, "Alice, I'm so… I never meant to lie to you, I…we just… We tried, but…we just…couldn't. And then, once we started, we just…couldn't stop!"

I knew I wasn't making much sense, that I should slow down, but I was frantic to explain myself before the reminder of my perfidy caused her to hang up on me. I took a deep breath to fuel the deluge of words about to spew out, secretly hoping that it would help calm me enough to at least sound rational, but it didn't help. It was as my rambling resumed, that I realized how much Alice's friendship meant to me, how much I missed her, and how terrified I was that I would lose her, and the awareness did nothing to help me express myself coherently.

Instead, I burst into tears, blubbering all of my lousy explanations into her ear, hoping she would hear how truly sorry I was.

"I – I don't expect you to forgive me – not after everything I've done wrong – but I…I hope you…you have to know…I never meant to hurt you. I…we…wanted to tell you – no – we didn't want to lie to you, but you asked us – made us promise to stay away from each other, and…we tried to write it off as a one shot…"

"Bella."

"We hoped that we'd gotten it – whatever the fuck 'it' was between us – out of our systems, but we hadn't…couldn't. We tried! We did, but no… It was like – the harder we tried to fight it, the harder it was to stay away from each other. Resistance was – fucking…" I spluttered, "futile…impossible. We knew you would be furious, so we kept it…

"I just didn't want to lose you, and he…well, he didn't want to drive the wedge any further between you and him, so we decided not to tell anyone…we made our stupid – God, so stupid! – arrangement, and kept it between us. I knew it wasn't ideal, that it was wrong and probably – definitely – really stupid, but from my point of view, it was practical.

"I knew I would end up hurt – he was such a fucking player…still is – and I thought having rules set in place would give me some control, not to mention, when it inevitably blew up in my face – which it did, repeatedly – I would be able to retain at least a semblance of self-respect. I didn't want to be just another one of the Cullen Whores; I wanted to pretend that what we had – what we were doing – meant more…meant something. Our arrangement let me create that illusion…and, at times, I think I believed it, or at least believed that it could be true."

"Bella."

"I didn't plan on…well, I didn't want to…y'know, but I did. I think I did even before we...before anything happened, I just couldn't admit it…not even to myself.

"I've had all this… For so long, all I've done is think about it all, gone over everything with a fine tooth comb, and… For the longest time, I blamed him…for everything – even for my falling in love with him – but I realized, recently actually, that we're both to blame – me, maybe even more so than him, since I allowed it."

"It doesn't make him any less at fault, but I knew he wasn't capable of giving me more than his body – of giving me his heart. I was just so desperate to have him…that I was willing to take whatever part he would give me. When we tried to end whatever we were doing, I just panicked. And so did he…I think.

"That's how we ended up with our arrangement."

"Bella!"

She'd been trying to get my attention throughout my discursive blathering, but I'd refused to acknowledge her – couldn't have if I'd wanted to…which I didn't. If I didn't spit it all out at once, I'd have lost either my nerve or my chance. With dismay, I realized Alice was reaching her limit of patience, so I rushed – headlong and foolishly forward trying to salvage Alice and Edward's relationship.

"Don't be angry with him, Alice – he's your brother, and the only blood relative you have left. After everything you've been through together, you can't let me or anything – anyone – come between you. And you need to forgive him, so that he'll quit blaming himself, and maybe one day actually believe that he's worthy of love."

"Bella!"

I ignored her, talking louder and more quickly instead.

"As much as he's hurt me over the years – as much as I've allowed him to hurt me – I don't want him to be miserable." Maybe a little miserable. "I want him to find happiness, to have a good life –," only, I wanted him to find it with me…but that ship had sailed, "– and he's never going to if you don't learn how to…I don't know, find some way to forgive him. You both need to deal with what happened, come to terms with it, and get on with your lives…together.

"He loves you so much, Ali. I would kill to have someone love me with that ferocity! Don't take for it for granted…"

I hesitated for a moment. I didn't want to – hadn't intended to – but, having barely paused long enough to draw adequate air into my lungs, and still crying, I had to get some oxygen and calm the fuck down, I was going to hyperventilate…or worse – pass out. I could already feel the beginning of the light-headedness that usually preceded it. I was so concentrated on breathing and staying conscious that I, once again, failed to realize that she was silent. I wasn't aware of it until she actually did speak, shattering the relative silence (aside from my continued blubbering) with her whispered gasp.

"He – Edward told you? You know?"

Oh, fuck! What had I done?

I immediately started backtracking. "He was trying to get me to open up to him. I know that sounds like an awful reason, but I swear he didn't do it with any ill-will, or…anything like that. He swore me to secrecy, and I've never told a soul. We – him and I – never really ever spoke about it, or even acknowledged that I knew, afterwards."

"When?" she demanded, her voice cold and oddly detached.

"High school."

Alice snorted. "…thinking with his dick, I see…"

"We weren't involved yet, Alice! Don't be a bitch," I snapped, disregarding the consequences. "It was the day of the blood-typing lab in Bio. He found me walking down the road in the pouring rain that night. Renee had called me all excited about being pregnant, and it was the first time I'd heard from her since she'd sent me packing. It was…I kinda…I didn't take the news too well. Edward took me back to your house – you weren't too happy I was there, by the way – hoping I would talk to him, but I refused.

"I became really withdrawn after that. No one really noticed…except Edward. He constantly watched me. I don't know – I guess he was really worried, or something…and not without reason. I honestly don't know what I'd have done if he hadn't intervened. It's not as if I was getting better. If anything, I was slipping further away."

"When…? How did I not notice?"

"You were busy, I worked, and we didn't see each other much. When we were together, I made sure that it was in a group so no one would notice."

"So when…"

"I'm getting there," I said in a rush. "You remember that night I went out with James?"

"It's a bit hard to forget…considering," she stated dryly, still sounding a bit off, but her natural curiosity seemed to be defrosting her chilliness, so I was hopeful… just not enough to hold my breath .

"Right. Well, Edward wasn't happy when James asked me out, so he asked if he could show me something the next day. He woke me up early and we hiked to…this place he wanted to share with me. We talked. He told me that, in general, he didn't trust people – not that he's had good reason to – but he trusted me, then he made sure I knew the gravity of what he was about to disclose, and he told me why you really left Alaska.

"Afterwards, I told him about Renee – all the things she'd done, how selfish she was, how she'd never really been a mother to me, how she resented me – everything, and he just listened. It helped – talking to him – more than I thought it would. I'd always been too shy, too worried about being judged and too distrustful to let someone in…to expose the real me, but after Edward…" I sighed, trying to put it into words.

"…had so – I don't know, bravely given me his trust…? No, it was more than that. He'd literally put his life, and that of your family's, in my hands, and then bared himself to me. He didn't pull any punches, or try to downplay his part in all of it. If anything, he took on more blame than he deserved. I can't explain what it meant to me, Al. It was one of the most profoundly significant moments of my life…and it saved me when I was drowning.

"I realize how ridiculously, 'poor me' that must sound. It's not like I ever went through anything even remotely as traumatic as you. Getting hit on by Renee's boy-toys and her tendency to be too aggressive with her punishments hardly count."

"Bella, you don't have to justify the way you felt – feel – to anyone, especially not me. I had loving and supportive parents who doted on me, and an incredible family, so despite what I went through, I'm really lucky. Don't ever discount the way you feel. He still shouldn't have fucking told you, though."

"I know he shouldn't have told me, but getting pissed at him about it isn't going to help. What's done is done. He already thinks you hate him and…fuck! Forget I said that. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I swear I've never said a word to anyone, not even my father…," I almost choked on my tongue when I realized what I'd just said, and I shouted in alarm, "Especially not my father! Fuck!"

The conversation was going swimmingly. Cue sarcastic eye roll. If I hadn't worried that just thinking about it would jinx me, I would have been certain that I couldn't possibly shove my foot any further in my mouth, but I was worried and wasn't about to tempt fate. Or Murphy and his stupid laws, because they too have a habit of biting me in the ass. It was a good thing I didn't.

"Bells, stop!" she shouted, her piercing voice in my ear causing me to jump and zip my lips.

We were both silent for a long moment, our heavy breaths – proof of how worked up we'd both become – were the only sounds. Finally managing to regain control of myself, Alice's sob came through the phone, breaking my heart.

"God, Alice! I'm so sorry…I shouldn't have brought it up. I never meant to upset you…" I would have continued, but Alice didn't let me.

"H-he…Edward thinks I hate him?"

"Um…" I wasn't sure what to say.

"Don't sugarcoat it, Isabella Marie Swan!"

"Well, kind of…I guess," I reluctantly admitted.

"I can't believe he would… I don't hate him!" She sounded incredulous, but there was the faintest bit of doubt poisoning her conviction.

"Don't you, Alice?" I said without thinking. Now you've done it, Swan. It's been nice knowin' ya.

Alice's angry huff into the phone was the equivalent of Mount Vesuvius blowing its top – she was livid.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Some fucking friend you are! Well, you've already proven that, so… Guess I shouldn't really be surprised, should I?"

I had no right to get angry, or defensive – she wasn't saying anything that wasn't true, I really was a shitty friend – but that is the beauty of defensive anger – it allows you to not only act irrationally, but to feel justified for doing so.

"I may be a shitty friend, but it wasn't intentional! You've purposely been a shitty sister for years, and never once showed any remorse! With the way you're always talking down to him, and treat him with so much animosity, no one would ever accuse you of liking him..." My anger quickly deflated, I trailed off.

Weariness swept over me. I was tired…tired of being so mad…tired of being so sad…I was tired of it all. I didn't want to fight anymore. I shouldn't have said what I'd said, but – just as Alice hadn't said anything that wasn't true – neither had I. Well, not entirely.

She did love her brother, and I knew that. I mean, he wasn't only her flesh and blood, he was her twin. She just harbored a hell of a lot of resentment, and even disgust for him. Lapsing, once again, into silence, I allowed my mind to drift. I didn't know which of us would cave first, but I was determined it wouldn't be me; I was too irked. Truth hurts, don't it?

Surprisingly, Alice caved first. And I checked to see if Hell had frozen over, or the Rapture had come at last. Neither seemed to have occurred.

"You're wrong, you know," she said softly. "I do love Edward – I really do – and I always will…but I don't like who he's become, or some of the things he's done, and I don't agree with many of his choices. But as much as I want to deny that it, I can't say I've let go of all of my anger over the bullshit from our childhood. I'm sorry for…"

"No, Alice, I'm sorry! You were right – I have been an awful friend. I'm so sorry – more than you know – for everything. I don't expect you, or anyone else, to forgive me, but I desperately hope…I don't know what I would do if I lost you."

"You won't lose my…fuck!" The pain in Alice's sudden non-sequiter filled me with worry just when I had started to allow myself to the feel some relief.

"Alice?"

"I'm sorry. Just – just give me minute." She was crying again, and I was thoroughly confused, but I waited. Finally…

"You won't lose my friendship, Bella…but I may lose yours..."

"Oooo-kay?" I replied, and then went silent. I managed to keep my mouth shut as she spoke…mostly.

~\\~

I didn't say a word for several minutes, just processing everything, when Alice finished telling me her involvement in the mess that was Edward and I.

"Bella!" Alice whined, tears imminent. "Please say something. Scream, yell, get mad, get sad – I don't care! Just say something. Please!" And with that, she broke down.

…and if you're mad, get mad, don't hold it all inside…come on and talk to me now...

Hearing sobs wrack my best friend's body, I wanted to tell it was okay, that I forgave her…but I didn't know if it was…if I did.

…and hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too, but I'm a lot like you...

"I just need a minute, Al. I have to think," I said all frustrated and confused and hurt.

…when you're standing at the crossroads, don't know which path to choose...

I paced around my room while Alice's tears ran their course, looking to the walls for answers they didn't hold. My mind unfocused and bouncing around like a Super Ball…Wham-O!...I was still silent and pacing long after her shuddering breaths smoothed out and her breathing returned to normal. It was still several more minutes before I finally managed to form a coherent thought, and then a few more, before I was able to put those thoughts together to form a cohesive sentence.

…let me come along, 'cause even if you're wrong...

"Alice, that you would do that – I'm really hurt…"

…I'll stand by you…

"I never meant to hurt either of you, Bells! I did it because I didn't want you to get hurt,but I should have just stayed out of it…" she interrupted, saying it so quickly that it was nearly unintelligible.

…take me in into your darkest hour…

"Al…Al…Alice!" I shouted, trying to stem the tide. When she stopped speaking, and I was sure I had her attention, I continued. "I'm really hurt, but…I guess I see where you were coming from."

As I took a deep breath, I heard her sigh with what I assumed was relief, and I hated having to burst her bubble.

"Let me finish – I understand, but it doesn't make what you did any less horrible. You should have just stayed out of it! I mean –" A thought popped into my head, and I stopped midsentence.

…and I'll never desert you…

"Huh," I thought, unaware that I'd said it out loud too.

"What?"

"Hmm? Oh! Nothing, just…thinking."

"Okay," she said softly, adding, "Take your time," but I wasn't listening.

Thoughts in order, I cleared my throat, causing the awaiting Alice to suck in a breath from the knowledge that my verdict was imminent.

"You should have stayed out of it," I reiterated, "but you didn't. I'm fairly certain though, that Edward and I would have fucked things up no matter what, and…who knows? Had you not interfered, it may have blown up in our faces a long time ago with an even bigger bang. I don't even want to know how messy it would've been had you all known what was going on with us.

"I'm not thanking you or anything, and it's going to take me a while to trust you again, but…"

…I'll stand by you...

Alice's squeal cut off the rest of what I had to say – something about trust being a two way street, and it taking her a while to trust me again – but when she was done, I didn't bother finishing. I knew she knew.

The rest of our conversation was awash in news from back home – who was doing what, who was doing whom, how the wedding planning was going, what our friends were up to, and bits of Forks gossip. Not once did Alice mention anything about Edward, and it took all my self-control, and then some, to keep from asking. When we finally hung up with the promise to speak again soon, I collapsed onto my bed, relieved to have my best friend back in my life.

~\\~

I woke up to the annoying trill of my cell phone, disoriented from sleep, and it took a moment to realize what the noise was. Diving across the bed, I made a mad grab for it, hoping to catch it before it went to voicemail.

"Hello," I answered, my voice gravelly still.

"Hi, Bella?" asked an unfamiliar masculine voice.

"This is. Um…who's this?"

He chuckled, the warm sound actually causing a small smile. "Um…it's Jacob. Jacob Black. You, uh – obviously weren't expecting me to call." He groaned. "I am so sorry about this; it seems our fathers are still conspiring like two old hens. Charlie gave me your number, told me to give you a call, and that you'd been asking about me, but that's obviously not true."

"Oh…" I didn't know what to say. "Um, gee…I – how are you?" Oh...um...gee? Brilliant, Bella.

"I'm good. Look – you don't have to do this. I'm sorry to have bothered you. I can't believe they suckered me into playing along with their matchmaking games. I mean, I knew last summer when I never heard from you again that you were giving me the brush-off. You must think I'm a real tool for falling…"

Guilt washed over me and, trying to ease my conscience, I cut him off. "No, not at all! It's nice to hear from you. I'm sorry about that – y'know, not calling and all. It wasn't anything you did." Facepalm. "I'm aware of how horribly cliché that sounds, but it's true. I was in a –weird place then. It was just – boy trouble. You know how it is…"

"Not personally…" he teased, drawing attention to my faux pas, and causing me to actually smack the heel of my hand against my forehead this time…repeatedly, "but, I kind of got that impression. The guy in the bar?"

Wha…? How the…?

"How the hell…? Oh, my God! I am so sorry! I'm mortified. I can't even imagine what you must have thought. I didn't think you knew – you never let on… It was that obvious, huh?"

He laughed loudly, a full on belly laugh and, through my shame and embarrassment, I was surprised by the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth. "Like glass. You couldn't keep your eyes off each other, and there was so much tension that it was a little hard to breathe. Besides that…," he paused, torturing me by drawing it out, building the suspense, "…it usually doesn't take 25 minutes to use the restroom, especially not in a fairly empty bar."

Had I really been gone that long?

He didn't sound quite finished, so I waited, cringing – whether from the remembrance of my slutty behavior or from what took place in that bathroom, I'm not sure. Luckily, he spoke before I had the chance to ponder it too much. "Plus, you looked all post-coital and disheveled when you came back to the bar and, might I say, it's a good look for you."

Blushing a little…although secretly flattered, not gonna lie...I let out a groan. Admittedly, and hating myself for it, I got some kind of voyeuristic thrill from hearing a third party's impression of Edward and myself. My fascination was sick, and unhealthy, and…fuck if I didn't want to crawl inside his head and watch it on IMAX. I was enthralled, and couldn't have stopped listening if I'd tried.

"He seemed pretty torn up and aggravated when he came back from your little tryst, but you should have seen his face when you pulled that, 'You wanna get out of here,' line. It would have been funny if he hadn't looked like he'd just had his heart crushed. I didn't wanna feel bad for the guy since he just totally broke the man code by shamelessly hooking up with my date – not to mention also upsetting you – but dude looked a wreck.

"I don't think I've ever seen such an odd mix of dejection, fury, and self-loathing in my life." I snorted at that. Self-loathing? Yup, that'd be Edward. "I don't know what he did to piss you off, but you certainly put him in his place."

I felt a familiar stinging in my eyes, and a burning in my chest when he described Edward, yet the picture he had painted was so contrary to what I remembered of that night that I had difficulty suspending my disbelief. Edward couldn't have been upset. I pushed it aside, choosing to focus instead on the masterful parting, 'Fuck you,' I'd pulled off. Nothing actually happened between Jake and me – he walked with me to my apartment, gave me a peck on the cheek, and asked if he could call me sometime. To which I replied, "I'll call you," and never did – but Edward didn't know that Jake was a perfect gentleman.

Reminded of how I'd treated him, I felt like a huge asshole once again, and apologies starting pouring from my mouth. "Look, I'm sorry I never called you. I should have been straight with you, I just hate disappointing people, and it had been such a shitty evening – uh, not because of you or anything. It just was, and I – I should have handled things better…or something. Sorry."

"Hey, relax! Don't beat yourself up – I get it. So how are things with you and Mr. Pretty Boy?"

"Mr. Pretty Boy? You call him 'Mr. Pretty Boy'?" I asked with a laugh, not even trying to evade the question that I didn't want to answer; I was just so amused.

"Well, actually – I call him 'Mr. Brooding Emo Pretty Boy', but…yeah, Mr. Pretty Boy for short."

I had to laugh, because that was Edward in a nutshell. It was interesting that Jake had so easily pegged him – not that kind of pegging, although that would be fuckhot – after only seeing him once, and from across a bar.

"So…did you two crazy kids manage to work things out?" Something about…okay, everything about the way he asked the question – too nonchalantly – said he was fishing for information.

"Um, I'm here," I answered, somewhat taciturnly but, conveniently oblivious to my blatant lack of desire to discuss it, he wasn't letting it go.

"And he's – not?" he inquired deliberately.

"Nope," I replied, annoyed, but without popping my 'p' because Alice hadn't been around for months, and I was finally speaking like a normal person again.

"That's too bad." He didn't sound like it was. "I'm really sorry." He wasn't. "You two were…intense…just so aware of each other even when you were orbiting the perimeter of one another's gravitational pull."

His pronouncement, catching me so off guard, cut through me, and the pain I'd been successfully holding at bay since my crying jag in Angela's arms the morning I'd thrown Edward out of my room sliced through me and stole my breath. Not gonna cry. Not gonna cry. Not gonna cry.

"It's no surprise that I never stood a chance with you," he said, seemingly finished.

"Well, that was then. Things are different now." I don't know what made me say it, and I wished I wouldn't have, but I had and I couldn't take it back; the words were hanging in the air.

I needed to put forth more of an effort to move on from Edward – one that didn't involve random, drunken hookups, preferably – but so far I hadn't put myself out there. I didn't know if I could, but I had to try. Jake seemed like a safe choice, and I still felt horrible for the way I had treated him during, and especially after, our only date. I was going to do this, I was going to stop being such a whiny bitch, and actually do something about getting over Edward. Be bold, Bella. I wasn't sure why I was acting like such a pussy – it wasn't very likely that he'd reject me – but still.

It was time to put up or shut up, so I put it out there…he could send it back if he wanted.

"Look, I feel just awful for that whole date-thing. Why don't you let me make it up to you by buying you a cup of coffee…or something? It might even get the wannabe Emmas off our backs for a bit."

"So you're sayin' I have a chance now?" I could tell he was joking…I hoped…and I delivered my line perfectly.

Totally deadpan, I shot back, "One in a million."

"Well, Mary Samsonite, what are you doing right now…or is now too soon?"

"Um…" I thought about it. It was too soon, but doing it 'spur of the moment'-like, was probably a good idea; I wouldn't be able to cancel. "Now should be fine. Give me an hour? I just woke up. Where'd you wanna meet?"

The conversation broke down as we discussed where to meet up – debating this place or that, uptown or down – and somehow coffee turned into breakfast, and we were all set to meet in Harlem at Amy Ruth's for the world's best waffles. I was actually looking forward to it – not in a date-type way, because it wasn't a date – but it might be nice to have a friend besides Ange, especially someone from home. I missed home and, honestly, I missed Edward too, but I didn't want to miss either.

Jake had made me really smile, and if he could do that over the phone, I couldn't help wondering what it would be like when we were face-to-face. This would be good for me.

~\\~

Breakfast with Jake was followed midweek by coffee with Jake, which was followed the next week by two 'accidental' run-ins at Butler...how accidental could him being at Columbia's main library have been since he went to NYU?…and a day at the park with him and Angela, along with Ben and a few of Jake's friends. Before I knew it, Jake and I were talking on the phone nearly every day, and seeing each other at least four days a week. Of course, our fathers were beyond thrilled when they somehow…Jake…found out about it despite the fact that we were only friends. I was still undecided. Even 'friends' felt like I was betraying Edward.

Jake was nice. Funny. Fun. A good friend. He understood that I was sometimes moody and withdrawn, and he would carry on the conversation for both of us. Sometimes in his presence, I actually felt happy, and then he would go and so would the feeling. I was aware it wasn't healthy to feel that way, but at least I was trying. I was trying not to want things that were bad for me, and I was trying not to rely on Jake to make me feel normal, but it was so…trying. It was easier just to be, so I let Jake be my friend and basked selfishly in his warmth.

I saw the knowing, smug looks of the people around us, and I knew what they thought, what it looked like. It looked as if we were in a relationship, or at least stumbling around on the edges of one, but they were wrong. We were just friends. We didn't kiss or touch in any manner that implied we were more than that, and Jacob knew where we stood…I thought…hoped. I knew he wouldn't be averse to being more than that, but I had been perfectly clear with him from the start that I wasn't looking for, couldn't conceive of, nor handle more than friendship, and he said he was fine with that.

Still, there were times when I felt as if I were leading him on and, occasionally, the guilt over knowingly taking everything he offered without giving him anything in return would tear me up inside. It didn't stop me from taking it though. Deep down inside, I knew it was wrong, but I refused to acknowledge it.

~\\~

Eventually, it became nearly impossible to ignore that Jake wanted more from me than I was willing or capable of giving, but I still did. I acted as if my willful denial and disbelief could keep a thing from being true and, when it didn't, I could still have plausible deniability on my side. I never thought I would have to use it, but eventually, it all came to a head and so…eventually, I did use it.

The party had started out fun, but then Jake had to go and ruin it with his new overprotective, big brother bullshit. I couldn't even talk to anyone without him acting like a douche. I had simply asked a passing guy where the bathroom was, and Jake acted as if the poor kid was going to steal my virtue…not that I had any. In a huff, I stormed off, and snuck out to the quiet and solitude of the dimly lit backyard…really, it was little more than a pad of cracked concrete with weeds growing in the cracks, and a chimera in the back corner.

The door opened behind me, and I didn't need to look to know who it was. "What the fuck, Bella?" he asked, angry and non-specifically. "I've been looking all over the place for you! The hell were you thinking coming out here alone? Something could have happened to you."

He paced back and forth, back and forth, while I – stunned by his outburst and not sure how to reply – stared at him, trying to comprehend what in the hell was going on. I tried to remain calm, but my earlier irritation, combined with the frustration that had been building in me for a while, bubbled until it boiled over, and out spilled my vitriol.

"I'm not a little girl, Jake! In fact, if my memory serves correct, I'm older than you are. I can take care of myself! What the fuck is your problem lately?"

He stopped his agitated pacing and, fists still tightly clenching his hair, began tugging on it hard enough that I was certain it was causing him pain. His shoulders – drawn tightly back with his held breath – relaxed with the large gust of air he exhaled, and his hands released his hair. I relaxed infinitesimally as my own unconsciously-held breath puffed out of me seconds after his, only to immediately suck in a ragged gasp, and stiffen once more as Jake whirled sharply around to face me.

My eyes involuntarily closed, and in the time it took to blink, he had crossed the distance between us. Standing before me, his hands moved to my shoulders, frantically grasping them in an almost too firm grip.

Keeping me immobile in front of him, he held my alarm-widened eyes with his desperate, almost hopeless ones.

Please, no…let me be wrong. Don't let this be what I think this is going to be.

"What is this, Bella?" he asked in a tone that was oddly gentle despite its volume, his head rotating on his shoulders as if he was looking around, but without taking his eyes from mine.

No. Don't do this, Jake, please don't do this.

"What is this," he questioned again, a certain wildness that almost had me unhinged, creeping into his eyes.

No. No. No!

My veins became refrigerant lines, filling with Freon-like dread as panic washed over me, and I futilely continued chanting…no, don't do this, no…in my head.

"Bella, you gotta let me know…am I ever gonna stand a chance at being more to you than just the guy you use as a platonic fill-in for Edward, as his placeholder?"

'Stop!' I wanted to say, but instead I froze, all slack-jawed and gaping unattractively. I was so blindsided by his accusations and the fact that he could think so little of me – I just didn't know how to react. I wanted to scream at him, and cry all at the same time, but was incapable of doing either. The disparity of my emotions caused my mind to go blank. I wanted to react – desperately – to do something…anything…but all I could do was stare, my jaw working soundlessly.

He pressed on, continuing in a rush before I could even manage to sputter. I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes and block out his voice so I didn't have to see the earnest desire in both his eyes and the taut lines of his body, or hear it in his words, but I couldn't. My only reaction was a very blatant non-reaction. It was like watching a bullet coming straight at your head – painfully aware of every passing nanosecond and nanometer, but unable to do anything about it, or really even acknowledge it.

"I'm only asking because… Fuck, Bella! I can't keep quiet anymore – I've tried, and I just can't. You have to know – I mean how could you not –," he raised his arms slightly at his sides, and his head dropped backwards into his shoulder shrug, his fevered eyes faintly mimicking the motion.

"You have to know that I want more than just friendship with you? We're perfect for each other? We share so many common links, it's almost like it was fated."

He was so adamant and, even though I knew it wasn't true, for his sake, I found myself wanting it to be. One person's 'fated' was another's 'settling for less'. But wanting it to be would never make it so.

His voice softened, as he stroked and then cupped my cheek. "Being with me would be natural…as easy as breathing, Bells."

He paused again, looking down as if he was afraid to meet my eyes, before continuing. "I have to know if this – we, us –," he gestured rapidly between us, both hands at the level of his chest, '– is going somewhere?"

Natural?

As easy as…?

"Or…am I always going to be your Guy Friday – only kept around to make you smile, keep the wolves at bay when you go out, and provide you with an intimidating excuse when you have to turn down the few dumbasses that ask you out in spite of me?"

"You think that we're per…?" I started, trailing off, no longer interested when the rest of his words sunk in…and then I got angry. "You think that I…use you, Jake, for a…? How could you say that? You're my best friend, and he has nothing to do with us!"

"I didn't mean it like th…"

"Oh, you didn't, huh? Didn't mean it like that? How the fuck did you mean it then?" I ignored his attempt to defend himself, or to answer the questions I was asking. I didn't care what he said, didn't want to hear it. "Why can't we just be friends?

"Why can't… Why does it have to be more, or nothing at all? Is that what this is, Jake? An ultimatum? Some fucking friend you've turned out to be! I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet – what I need is a friend – but that's not good enough, is it? Why can't that be enough for you?" I looked away, wanting to say more, to be clearer, but I didn't have it in me. I was tired…so tired.

"So are you saying that you're not ready to be with anyone, or…that you're not ready for that with me?" His hesitance was odd and unexpected coming from the self-assured, jubilant boy…er, man that I'd come to know so well, despite the short length of our acquaintance. It made me want to comfort him.

However, it did nothing for my inability to answer him. My indecision was so loud on my face that it screamed at him; I didn't know what to say. Would I ever want more? With him? With anyone? I didn't have the answers he wanted. The only thing I was sure of was not wanting to lose him. In a moment of selfishness, I lied…possibly…maybe…I don't know (I lied).

"With anyone?" I hoped he didn't hear the question mark that I'd inadvertently…I didn't just wear my emotions on my sleeve…tacked on.

He stared at me skeptically, but the door to the courtyard was shoved open before he could call me out.

"Oh, fuck! Hey, sorry man. Uh, carry on," said one of Jake's nameless, faceless…oratorical genius…frat-brothers, clearly getting the wrong idea. Based solely upon our proximity, the weight of the summer air made heavier from the tension between us, the confrontation-induced heavy breaths we were drawing, and my flushed skin, I couldn't really blame his conjecture; I would have thought the same, but that didn't mean I wasn't angered by it.

A part of me – whose continued existence I wasn't aware of – still clung to the erroneous belief that I owed Edward my loyalty, and wanted to chase after him, and set him straight…it wouldn't have been the first time I'd done so… but I wasn't going to waste such a serendipitous intrusion on the standoff between Jake and I. Instead, I pounced, utilizing the interruption to distract him from maintaining the course our conversation had clearly been heading.

"Please take me home, Jake. I'm tired. Can we please just talk about this later? It's blisteringly hot, and more than a little unpleasant, I just want to go to home, shower, and sleep."

The urge to argue was apparent in his hardened eyes and the tense set of his jaw, so I murmured please again, and he relented, driving me home in silence. Despite my protests, he walked me to my apartment door, a sigh of relief escaping me as I opened it a crack. Never count your chickens before they hatch, though. My muttered, 'G'night, Jake,' never made it past my lips, because he grabbed my arm, halting me just as I was about to slip inside.

Without warning, he yanked me towards him, my breath hitching as I pressed to his concrete chest, and his arm, like a steel girder, wrapped around my lower back holding me unyieldingly in place. As his other hand moved in slow motion towards my face, my eyes widened in abject horror, and the already too hot, dirty, and deserted hallway of my building grew exponentially more stifling.

Then he kissed me – his lips hot where they pressed against my own, and his tongue wet as it slipped into my mouth to tangle with mine – and all the air in both the narrow corridor and my lungs disappeared. I was stunned into passivity – not resisting him, but not participating either. My eyes were still open, staring at his open-book face that held no trace of humor or teasing on its planes. His mouth left mine just as suddenly as it had appeared, and he shoved me through my apartment door saying he was willing to wait, he'd give me time, but he'd use it convincing me that we were right together. Meant to be.

"Just leaving you with something to think about," he said, then he was gone, and I remained…staring at my closed door, with my hand pressed to my lips.

I still couldn't react – didn't know how to. Locking the door with numb fingers, I mechanically – on autopilot – walked down the hallway to my room. I fell onto my bed fully clothed, thoroughly confused, and slightly sickened by my non-reaction. My stomach churned, and my emotions broiled under the surface of my too-calm façade as I tried to sort myself out of the mess Jake had just made of me.

Laying there, remembering the feel of his lips and his body, I was disgusted over the way it left me feeling alternately hot and cold. My body reacted to the memory, and I had to remind myself that I had no control over my physical response – struggled to convince myself that it didn't make me into the whore that I felt I was. I turned my mind off – if I ignored it, maybe it would go away. Things always looked brighter in the morning…right?

Still unsure as to what had transpired between us, and unable or unwilling to process how I felt about any of it regardless, I fell into a deep slumber. While unconscious, my mind mixed the faces of Edward and Jacob – along with my feelings for them both. By morning, my head was a nonsensical mélange of agitation, shame, guilt, anger, and bitter anguish all twisted up with the memory of Jake's kiss. The miasma of it all hung over my head and, in the days and weeks to come, would haunt my waking hours and stalk me in my dreams.

~\*/~

Songs Used*
(In Order of Appearance):

You Keep Me Hangin' On, The Supremes
I'll Stand by You, The Pretenders

*All songs are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended.

Notes:
1. Butler – Butler Library is the largest library in Columbia's library system. It is the home of the Rare Book and Manuscript Library, containing more than 600,000 rare books and 28 million manuscripts, and also houses the world-famous Oral History Research Office and collection both of which would be of special interest to Bella's chosen field of study.

2. '…he could send it back if he wanted.' – reference to a line from the movie Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

Rec's-

The Wedding Party by spanglemaker9
Dawn of Day by sunflower-queen
Once More, With Feeling by What'sMyNomDePlume
Porcelain Heart by queenofgrey
The Tragical Tale of Edward and His Riley by Americnxidiot – a fucklarious one-shot

Thoughts on the chapter? I'd love to hear them.