Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all recognizable characters, plots, etc. Only original content, characters, etc. belongs to author. No copyright infringement intended.
Any errors contained herein, are expressly the fault of the author and not her betas.
Word Count: 11,356
A/N: This chapter will bring us up to date with where Edwards chapter left off, putting us somewhere around the beginning of July.
As always, thanks to V for betaing, and RedVelvetHeaven for pre-reading. Neither of you are afraid to tell me, 'No, fix it,' or, 'I don't like it,' or, 'You can do better.' It's because of your refusal to pander to my ego that this story is better than I hoped. I couldn't do it without you.
And RedVelv, thank you for making me fight so fiercely in defense of my vision. You could have just agreed with me, but by making me really examine things, you kept me from making some grievous errors.
Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews. Your words provide motivation and, at times, inspiration. I'm still slowly working through review replies. I apologize in advance if I miss anyone.
Enjoy.
Chapter 4 – It Could Be Sweet
I don't want to hurt you
For no reason have I but fear
And I ain't guilty of the crimes you accuse me of
But I'm guilty of fear
I'm sorry to remind you
But I'm scared of what we're creating…
…It could be sweet
Like a long forgotten dream
And we don't need them to cast the fate we have
Love don't always shine thru…
…But the thoughts we try to deny
Take a toll upon our lives
We struggle on in depths of pride
Tangled up in single minds…
…You don't get something for nothing, turn back
Mmmm, gotta try a little harder
It could be sweet
-Portishead
~\*/~
The night of the party wasn't to be the last time Jake would force the issue of our relationship status. It became rote; the routine revisited so often that I began to feel as if we were stuck in a never-ending cycle…or a really shitty remake of Groundhogs Day, just – y'know – without the groundhog…or Bill Murray.
I had thought not speaking to him for a while would get my point across, but he was either exceptionally dense or just wasn't going to take no for an answer, because it hadn't phased him a bit. When I finally caved, agreeing to hang out, he stood too close, was too possessive, too clingy, and kissed my cheek with a little too much familiarity. It had been so unexpected that my only reaction had been to stiffen beside him. He knew I didn't like making a scene, and he used it against me. I stood there, fake smile on my face, fuming and trying to decide whether or not storming off would be considered an overreaction, or draw too much attention. I let it go.
Later, as we chatted – by 'we' I mean mostly 'he' – with a group of his friends, he draped his arm casually over my shoulders in a familiar gesture, but in light of the revelations from the night that he kissed me, it bathed the move, along with all of our past interactions, in a new light. His arm grew heavier the longer I remained in place by his side, eventually becoming so overbearing that I felt trapped beneath its weight, and unable to breathe.
"I have to use the restroom," I said, shaking his arm off, and walking quickly away.
I was angry with him, and my ire only grew with each passing day, and each new incident. It was enraging that he wouldn't respect my wishes, that he wouldn't let go of the idea of us being in a relationship, that he insisted on playing these games with me, and the longer it went on, the more persistent he became. I began to resent him a little for trying to force something that I just didn't feel, or didn't want to feel – 'You do want this, Bells, you just don't know it yet.'
I could have walked away from him, cut him out of my life the way I had Edward – hell, I probably should have – but I didn't…for so many reasons, most of which I refused to admit even to myself.
Some of it was that I didn't want to lose the good friend that I kept hoping he would remember to be, because I would be alone if I did. I still had Angela, but not really. She seemed to have breathed a sigh of relief when Jake started coming around, happy to no longer have to bear the burden of me alone. For the first few weeks Jake hung around, it was the three of us – Angela present, but not participating too much.
She watched him, watched me, watched us, watched for something and, once she saw it – proof that I was no longer headed down the destructive path that I had been in the Spring, that Jake could be trusted with me – she was around less and less until she was rarely around, and miles cropped up between us. I wasn't angry; how could I be? For months, she'd all but put her life on hold, worrying and feeling as if she had to watch over me, and she did so without ever once complaining.
She never said anything to me, but I know it strained her relationship with Ben, whom she had been dating since our undergrad days at the U. She hated leaving me home alone to spend time with Ben, and while Ben was willing to spend time at our place, even I admit that I wasn't fun for any of us – them or me – to be around. Debbie Downer would have been better company than me; I was more like Suicidal Suzie or Melissa Melancholy. So, it hadn't surprised me at all that once she was able, she would want to be with Ben, making up for lost time, and if Jake stopped coming around – despite not being around much – she would know, and she would feel obligated to me.
She would once again put her life on hold – willingly risking drowning – just to keep my head above water. I didn't deserve her, and I wouldn't let her to risk that. As selfish as I could be, even I couldn't be that much so. Instead, I resigned myself to just dealing with Jake's advances.
The only thing that made it bearable was my renewed relationship with Alice and, shortly thereafter, Rose. I couldn't talk to either of them about Jake – especially not Alice, considering – but I had to mention him, explaining that he was the son of Charlie's best friend who I'd played with during my summers as a child, and that we'd reconnected.
Of course, Rosalie would have to remember and ask, "Didn't Charlie force you into going on a date with him at the beginning of last summer?"
"Um…" I answered reluctantly. Reluctant because we were on a Skype chat with Alice…a video chat.
"Oh, yeah! I remember that! You never called him again though. How come? Was it a bad date? Was he a jerk? Did…"
Alice was bombarding me with questions, not letting me get a word out, and I finally just lost it. In one big, rushed, run on sentence, I blurted out, "I never called him again because I fucked your brother in the bathroom of the bar we decided to grab a drink at and your brother was a complete douchebag afterwards and not only did I feel really bad about doing something like that while I was on a date with him, I didn't want to be reminded of what had happened with your brother, so I never called him again!"
Oh, my fuck! Tell me I didn't?
"That's a good reason, I guess," Rose conceded dryly, looking shocked and mildly disgusted with me. Oh, I did. I couldn't even look at Alice, afraid of what I would find on her face.
"I gotta go," I said, and ended the call. I avoided both of them – especially Alice – and Skype for the next week. When I resumed speaking with them, my inappropriate overshare was the elephant in the virtual room. Rose was dying to bring it up, but it was apparent that Alice had put a permanent embargo on the subject, and Rose didn't have the balls to defy her…not while she was helping plan Rose's wedding. Regardless, the incident – and by association, Jake – was never mentioned again, which suited me just fine.
~\\~
The girls came to see me for Memorial Day weekend – arriving on Thursday, and flying back out Tuesday morning – and I hadn't realized how much I missed them until I saw them at the airport. I'd forgotten other things too, like just how exhausting Alice could be, but by Saturday afternoon, I remembered. We had been going non-stop since their arrival, and when we stopped by their hotel to drop off the bags from our morning excursions, Rose and I were so fucking exhausted – not to mention hung over – that we were forced to stage a coup; we simply couldn't go on.
"Alice, we need a break! My blisters have blisters!" Rose announced, collapsing on one of the shopping bag-covered beds.
"Yeah, Al! I haven't walked this much the entire time I've lived here combined," I added, and it was true…probably.
"But guuuuuys…" Alice whined, doing her pouty-face thing. It wasn't working.
"Sorry, Al. Your voodoo doesn't work when your victims are barely conscious."
Alice continued to whine, but Rose wasn't letting her get her way, thank fuck.
"Don't let us slow you down, Mario."
"Mario?"
"Andretti?" Rose elaborated, but Alice continued to look at her dumbly, causing her to roll her eyes. "Doesn't matter. Anyway, it's barely noon, why don't you go attack Madison Avenue for an hour or two, and we'll meet you around three for a late lunch, and whatever else."
She gave pouting one more shot, and when it didn't work, caved.
"Fine! I'm going, but only because Madison Avenue waits for no woman. Later, whores!" she called on her way out.
"Finally, some peace and quiet! Now spill."
"I have no clue what you are talking about, Rose, and I thought you wanted some peace and quiet?"
"Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Bells. Besides, you're a piss poor liar. I already know all about Assward, and I'm not even going to say I told you so." Alice, I assumed? "I want to know what's going on with that Jacob-guy? He's built. If I was single, and he wasn't head over heels for you, I'd tap that…so long as he kept his mouth shut, but I've got ways of keeping his mouth busy."
"Rosalie Lillian Hale! What would your fiancé say if he heard that?"
"Stop trying to change the subject."
"Nothing is going on between Jake and me! We're friends. That's all!" I snapped in annoyance.
"Mhmm. Does Jake know this?"
"I've made it perfectly clear to him that I'm only interested in his friendship! Despite what you seem to be implying, I'm not a cocktease or a whore, all right?"
"Jesus, Bella! Sensitive much? I wasn't implying anything, so take a chill pill. Fuck!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
"Whatever. I don't think that, why would I?"
"Because I fucked Edward! I was just another one of his groupie sluts, and we all know what you think of them."
"Um, that's because those girls really were whores, and they let Edward do whatever he wanted to them. I may not like him much, but even I have to admit he can be a charming son of a bitch when he wants to be, and you were sucked in. You aren't the first girl it's happened to, and I doubt you'll be the last. You need to forget about him, and move on. He's not worth your time or your tears."
When did Rose turn into Dr. Phil?
"I didn't get sucked in to anything, Rose. I wanted to be with him just as much as he wanted to be with me…he just wanted to be with other girls too, unfortunately. I didn't have any misconceptions when we hooked up. I knew what he was like, that he couldn't be faithful, but he always came back to me, and I just thought…" …that eventually, he would come back to me for good; that I would get him in the end?
I shook my head. "It doesn't really matter what I thought, because I was obviously wrong. I mean, how could I have been special when he had the same arrangement worked out with that sluttastic bimbo, Tanya. Of all the people in the world, it had to be her! If it had been anyone else, I…"
"You what, Bella? Could have gotten over it? Could have continued fucking him? Are you even listening to yourself?"
"I loved him, Rosalie. I was so head over heels in love with him that I would have done anything for him, and I thought that maybe, he might…but no."
"Edward Cullen only loves himself. I'm not gonna lie, I'm hurt that you lied to us, but I am sorry he hurt you. If it makes you feel better, no one talked to him for months – some of us still don't. He's such a drama queen though – walking around acting all depressed or whatever – that Esme got all worried, and made Al and Em promise to keep an eye on him, which sucks for me, because now I'm forced to see him. Thank God, they rarely succeed at getting him to hang out."
"So what does he do when the four of you aren't forcing him to hang out?" I couldn't help asking.
"Who the hell knows? I imagine the same thing he's always done – hook up with random unsuspecting girls."
I hadn't believed a word he'd said in March, but it still hurt to hear Rose confirm my suspicions so offhandedly.
"Do you know that for sure, or do you just suspect?"
"If you're asking if I follow him around to see who he's fucking, the answer is no; I've got better things to do. But in all the years I've known him, he's never gone more than a few weeks without getting laid. I'm making an educated guess, but I'd be willing to bet I'm right."
I didn't want to believe her, but I knew Edward too. She was probably right.
With a suggestive waggle of her eyebrows, she declared, "You need to get back on that horse, Bells…or rather, find one to get on top of you."
"That was just…disgusting, Rose. I mean, eww! Do you even hear the words that are coming out of your mouth? Now I'm envisioning that Tijuana donkey show. Thanks."
"Okay, poor choice of words. I'm just saying, the best way to get over one guy is to get under another. Least, that's what my momma always says," she chokes out through her laughter.
I didn't bother arguing, or telling her that I'd done the research and found that logic to be fallible, but I didn't see any reason to draw attention to my slutty behavior.
"Rosalie Hale, I know for a fact that your 'momma' has never said any such thing."
"She would in this situation."
Oh, shit! All traces of amusement left my face and, for the first time since Rose's questioning began, found myself grateful that it was just us.
"How much do Esme and Carlisle know? They don't know how long we were…involved do they?" I wasn't naïve enough to believe that they didn't know I'd fucked their son. "I can't imagine what they must think of me."
"Not much, but to their credit, they haven't really asked for any information. They miss you, of course, but they want you to be happy, and if that means you had to leave…so be it. Edward, on the other hand, they weren't happy with – Carlisle still barely talks to him. Esme never really quit, but you know what a mom she is, I think it was mostly out of concern he'd do something stupid.
"They were thrilled to hear that we were coming to see you. I think Esme would have been here too, if she hadn't been chairing some silly hospital function."
I grunted in acknowledgement, and tried to push Rose's words from my mind. I was over and done with Edward Cullen. He could fuck the entire Sea Gals lineup for all I cared. Actually, that might impress me. There were some seriously hot girls cheering for the Seahawks.
"Alright, I'm going to nap before we have to meet up with Anna Wintour's Mini…her. God forbid she doesn't make it to every boutique and designer shop in the city. For fuck's sake that girl needs to stop and smell the Chanel Number Five instead of just purchasing it."
"Night, Ro," I chuckled.
"Hey, Bells?"
"Uh, yeah?"
"I've really missed you. But you tell anyone I said that, and I'll deny it."
"I've missed you too. Sweet dreams."
"Sweet?" she scoffed. "I want rated X, or at the very least NC-17; none of that PG-13 bullshit for me."
"Is your head ever not in the gutter?"
"Nope. Have you met my monkey man? He is a seriously sweet piece of ass."
"Ro…no. That's just…eww. Really. Eww. Not enough bleach in all of Manhattan. Thanks. Night."
I had thought I would be able to sleep, but my mind wouldn't shut off long enough. As Rose sawed logs as peacefully as one can…I was convinced her and Em's snoring was the secret behind their relationship…I stared at the ceiling, pondering our conversation, and thinking maybe I really should give Jake a chance. He was loyal, faithful, funny, smart, good looking, he adored me…selfish as it was, being around someone who was clear about his desire to be with me – even if I wasn't ready to be with anyone – soothed my battered ego…and I knew he would never hurt me. In a word, he was safe; whatever portion of my heart I could give would be safe with him.
…all that is now, all that is gone, all that's to come, and everything under the sun is in tune...
He was the complete opposite of Edward. While Edward was usually broody and pensive, Jake was almost always chipper and open. He was the sun, whereas Edward was more like the dark side of the moon – cold, dangerous, and full of holes. The sun was good for me, I thrived under his warm beams…but I couldn't help craving the chill of the moon wrapped around me.
Of course I loved him…in a way, just not the way he wanted. In another life, another time, if I had never known or fallen in love with Edward Cullen, I'm sure I could have loved him the way he seemed to think he loved me, but this wasn't another life, and I had known Edward! I forced myself to stop considering anything with Jake just in time to get ready to go meet Alice.
…but the sun is eclipsed by the moon…
~\\~
The weekend was a blur of boutiques…bellinis…high-end department stores…wine… museums and art galleries…champagne… restaurants…gin and tonics…laughter…martinis…and the occasional libation, and all too soon, it was Monday night. With goodbye hanging over our heads, we sat around their hotel suite like a bunch of sad sacks; even Alice's ever-bubbly personality had popped. We were some morose motherfuckers, to quote Jay…minus Silent Bob.
"All right, I can't take it anymore!" Rose exclaimed, shooting up out of her chair, throwing her hands in the air, and effectively startling us out of our doldrums. "We are not wasting our last night together having an emo-pity party for three. Bella – phone please."
Suddenly in front of me – one hand on her hip, and the other held out to me, palm up – I just stared at her. Come again? Her foot started tap-tap-tapping impatiently, but I was still trying to process what she'd just said.
"While we're young, Bella. I don't have all Goddamn night!"
"Huh?" I inquired stupidly, my face all scrunched up in confusion.
Rose rolled her eyes, and sighed dramatically before addressing me like a handicapped toddler – complete with exaggerated gesticulating. "Your phone. Give. To me. Now."
Still not following, I began to resemble a panicked horse – tossing my head with the whites of my eyes showing, and then rolling eyes and searching the room for either help or an escape route. In the back of my mind, my sarcastic, bitchy side snorted at the glaze-eyed, slack-jawed look on Alice's face as she raptly watched the proceedings from the other end of the couch with obvious amusement, and absolutely no intention of intervening. Bitch.
"Wha… Why? Where's yours?" I sputtered at her, still looking for an escape.
"If you were going for all five W's, you forgot two," she sniped.
At that moment, I decided that absence really does make the heart grow fonder…or delusional, whichever…because with her absence, I had actually managed to forget what a bitch she could be, and with her newly restored presence, I struggled to remember why we were friends.
"Huh?" I mused to myself…aloud, eyebrows rising slightly.
"Are you even…" she started, trailing off as her expression shifts from harried to vexed. "You know what? Never mind! I'll get it myself," she snaps before her hand darts out and snatches up my phone from off of the end table beside me. Rolling her eyes once more for posterity, she walks away muttering what sounds like an assortment of curses under her breath. I couldn't be certain since I only caught a word or two here and there. "Jesus Christ…fucking…leaving tomorrow…fucking fun…shit…miss her…"
Watching her walk out of the sitting area to their shared room, I snickered quietly and then turned to where Alice was still perched on the other end the couch. The second we made eye contact, she asked, "Dastardly Dog?"
"Exactly! That's totally who she was reminding me of. Fuck! It was going to drive me crazy!" I confirmed before laughter stole my ability to speak in something other than a high-pitched, wheezing voice.
"I heard that!" came from where Rose was holed up with my phone…she so better not be having phone sex with Emmett on it, or I'll kill her. I need a new phone. "You're both out of the wedding, by the way. And I'm getting new friends…better ones. Bitches!"
Guffawing uncontrollably until tears were streaming down our faces, Alice and I completely lost it. We laughed so hard, for so long that, unable to support myself, I slid onto the floor clutching my belly while Alice lay curled in a ball on the couch. Too exhausted to continue, our laughter started to die you, but like a hot spot flaring up when you think the fire is out, every now and then one of us would yelp a weak giggle, starting the whole thing up again.
Not totally recovered from our laughing fit yet, we were still panting when Rosalie deigned to grace us with her presence again. "Okay, bitches! Get your sorry asses off the couch and get yourselves pretty. We're going out."
No attempt to move was made by either of us. Instead, we gaped.
"Well, what are you just sitting there for? Get to moving! This train is leaving in an hour whether you're on it or not." She glared with a cocked eyebrow, just daring us to defy her. "I don't see anyone moving."
"An hour?" Alice squeaked.
"Yes."
"Ohmygodthatisnotenoughtime!" she shouted, jumping up to rush into the bedroom. We heard a rustling of bags, and then Taz was back and standing in front of me.
"Bella!" she whined. "What are you doing just sitting there? We have to get ready."
"Um, I am ready? I don't have any clothes or makeup here."
"Yes, you do. Now, get your ass in here." Fucking Alice and her 'have credit card, will shop' tendencies! Grabbing my hand, she pulled me off the couch and toward the bedroom. I glowered at Rose…thanks, bitch…as I passed her smug face, but she simply smirked harder. Not the intended effect.
~\\~
We started off the night in the East Village at some place Rose had stumbled upon on Sunday when, having grown bored with Saint Marks, she wandered off on her own for a bit. It wasn't really her scene, but I loved the unconventional little street, and Alice was pretty enthusiastic about everything, wanting to experience all New York had to offer. Sure, she dressed uptown and was having a small love affair with Madison and Park Avenues, but she appreciated the quirkier side of life…and it was definitely found in abundance on Saint Marks.
When we arrived at The Penny Farthing, we were lead to a table, and it became apparent upon seeing Angie, Ben, and Jake with two of his buddies in tow, why Rose had asked for my phone back at the hotel. At least she hadn't been fornicating with Emmett while using it.
"Hey, guys," I said hesitantly, caught off guard and unprepared to have the two different parts of my life – east and west – meet this way. Having gone to school with us, and even hanging out with us at times in both high school and college, Ange and the girls were acquainted, but for no reason other than their vastly different personalities, my friendships with them and with her were separate. They liked each other well enough, but Alice and Rose were so outgoing and possessed such dominating personalities that they swallowed up the extremely introverted Angela.
And then there was Jake. Awk-ward. Things between us were already strained – at least, on my side – and being forced to hang out with him under the watchful eyes of Alice and Rose wasn't going to improve the situation. They had already met Jake briefly the day they'd arrived in the city, so there was no first time meeting weirdness, but there was…something, a weird tension maybe, in the air. After our conversation on Saturday, I couldn't help feeling as if this was a set up orchestrated by Rose to help me get over Edward, and I didn't like it.
After I received my customary hug and cheek peck from them, the girls were greeted with a hug from Angela, and an awkward handshake from the so-socially-inept-that-it-was-cute, Ben. I waved to Brady and Riley, Jake's friends, and then found myself crushed to Jake in an overly enthusiastic hug. He set my feet back on the ground, and gave me a kiss on the cheek – a little too lingering and close to my mouth for comfort – before releasing me, and pulling out the chair next to him…which was conveniently the only chair left as my asshole friends had taken the two open seats next to Angela and Ben.
I gritted my teeth as I sat, Jake pushing my chair in for me, and then looked across to see my two dearest friends staring at me. Rose caught my eye and, with a knowing smirk, held a closed fist slightly in front of her just a hair above the table while her other hand dropped behind her making a whipping motion, and mouthed the words, 'ride 'em, cowgirl' to me. She was brief, and covered up the subtle gesture by resting her fist on the table, as the other fiddled with the purse hanging from her chair with the other hand, but I looked around regardless, hoping that no one saw her.
It hadn't escaped Alice's attention, unfortunately – I scowled disapprovingly at Rose – but no one else noticed. Shifting my attention to Al, I tried to get a read on her blank face, but it was indecipherable, causing my anxiety to shift up another level. She'd been uncharacteristically silent about Jake since meeting him, and that wasn't a good thing. Every time his name came up in conversation, I grew more uneasy, because she never stayed silent for long, and I knew that being around them both for an extended period of time wasn't going to end well. Maybe Jake would call it an early night? Right.
Guilt and the feeling that I was betraying Edward – both baseless since I owed him nothing, and even if I did, I'd done nothing wrong – flooded over me, and I found myself smiling an apologetic smile at her that I didn't owe.
Trying to push those feelings down and ignore the weight that pressed down on me every time Alice looked at me, I ordered a stiff drink, eagerly drinking it down the second it was set in front of me, and ordering another before the waitress had even finished setting the first round on the table. I saw and ignored the look of concern on Angela's face. I wasn't falling back into old habits, I was just going to need to be well lubricated if I was going to get through the night without breaking down. Alcohol and drugs were never my problem, it was my addiction to Edward that had been my Achilles heel. Still, I smiled reassuringly.
"Jesus, Bella! What's the rush?" Alice questioned, with narrowed eyes.
"Just trying to get the party started, Mom," I joked in deflection.
"You better not get puke on your new clothes tonight, or I'll kick your ass."
~\\~
We were at The Farthing until shortly after ten. Though I slowed down slightly, I drank steadily throughout the meal thanks to the attentive wait-staff who kept the booze flowing. I tipped them well. I wasn't feeling any pain by the time we left, but between the food and the tolerance I'd built up since moving to the city, I managed to stay just on the sober side of drunk. It was going to be a long night, so if I wanted to see the finish line…literally…I was going to have to slow down and maintain. I didn't.
We wandered around Soho, choosing bars at random, and by last call – at some dive bar that I'd picked but couldn't tell you the name of – we'd all gotten a turn to pick. Jake insisted on escorting us back to the hotel, so the four of us piled into a Yellowcab. Courtesy of Rose, I was stuck sitting between Alice and Jake in the back seat, but I was so intoxicated I hardly noticed the tension in the air…I was the only one who didn't. Blissfully unaware, drunk as a skunk and happy to be with my girls, I turned into a touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, babbling idiot.
"Jake, you're really tall," I declared as if I'd just made the discovery of the year…and not at all as if I was stating the obvious. Patting him on top of the head, I added, "Like really tall." Apparently, I hadn't thought I'd gotten my point across.
Jake chuckled and put his arm behind me, resting it on the on the top of the seat while I, motormouth that I'd become, motored on.
"That's my friend Rose in the front seat. She's getting married next year, and I'm going to be the Maid of Honor." I wasn't capable of subtlety while bombed, so my attempted conspiratorial whisper ended up being more of a shout, causing Alice to snicker.
"Really? Barbie's got a Ken-doll back home?" Jake asked.
"Oooohhh! You're in trouble," I squealed, grinning with anticipation.
Rose twisted around in the front seat, giving him her 'You might think you're funny, but really you're just acting like a jackass, and I'm not amused' look. She could say a lot with a look.
"Hardee-har-har. Like I haven't heard that one before, jackass," she said icily, with a roll of her pretty blue eyes. "What is it with big, dumb, muscle-y guys like you assuming that just because I'm blonde with a nice rack…"
"Aww!" I moaned in annoyance when Jake cut her off just as she was launching into the good part of her tirade.
"Easy there, Kujo, it was just a joke," Jake attempted to placate her, hands up in front of him and eyes all wide and innocent. "Jeez! You need to lighten up, blondie."
Oh, no he di'int! As hammered as I was, I knew this wouldn't end well. Rose was about to blow the roof off this car, so I did the only thing my inebriated mind could think to do to stop Three Mile Island II from happening…
"Rosie, Rosie, give me your answer due, I'm something something all for the love of you!" I sang all off-key and annoyingly and forgetting words. "Rosie! Rosie, did you hear me?"
"Yes, Bella," she acknowledged, her eye roll apparent in her voice, and I was happy because I distracted her. She really could be a stick in the mud.
"Ro-Rosalie? You know, you can be a real bitch sometimes, but I love you anyway."
Alice snorted – loudly – causing me to giggle.
"I love you too, Bella. Even if you are somewhat of a rude drunk." She was so trying not to laugh at my antics but, strange as it was, I was enjoying being in the limelight, and I was going to get her to laugh.
"Rosie! You have really pretty eyes. Much better than my brown ones. They look like shiny soph…sapp…sapphires – all glittery. Mine make me look like I'm full of shit." I laughed hysterically at myself.
"Aw, Bells…I think you've got pretty eyes." Jake's arm slid off the seat to wrap around my shoulder in comfort. Too drunk and happy to really give a shit – or even remember that his advances were unwelcome – I did nothing. The warm, heavy weight of his arm was comforting, so I snuggled into his into his side a bit…and maybe sniffed him. He smelled good! Don't judge. For the briefest moment, I remembered…something about not wanting him to be so close to me, but I couldn't remember what or why. It didn't matter anyway though, because my alcohol-induced A.D.D. almost instantly had me moving on to another topic.
"You're so nice, Jake. Alice!" I slurred, clumsily poking her cheek. "I just want you to know…I love you. You're my best friend. Let's not fight anymore, 'kay?"
"I wuv you too, Bella-wella…Bella-bella-bobella-banana-nana-fofella-me-mi-mo-mella, Bella!" she sing-songed, and then dissolved into a fit of laughter with her hand wrapped like a baby's around the finger I'd just been prodding her with. Like a switch had been flipped, she suddenly sobered. She looked at me all sadly, and near tears lamented, "I wanted you to be my sister-in-law one day. We were going to be neighbors. You weren't supposed to run off to New York to get slobbered on by that jackass." Well, she obviously isn't pro Jake.
Her non sequitur threw me for a loop, and effectively shut me up. No one spoke, or moved, or even breathed – the tension was just too thick inside the cab. Even the driver was relieved to pull into the hotel less than a minute later. Alice stumbled out of the taxi as Rose dug through her purse to pay the fare.
"Bye, Jakey-wakey! Get home safely!" I chirped as I slid out behind Alice, pretending nothing happened.
Closing the door behind me, I joined Alice – who was in her own little world, happily spinning around in circles – near the valet stand to wait for Rose to finish up. I heard the whir of an automatic window, and then Jake's voice. "You girls going to make it to your room okay? I could walk you up."
"Nah, we're good. Thanks, Jakey-poo!"
"Hurry up, Rose!" Alice demanded, coming to a dizzy halt and stomping her foot. She was clearly annoyed with Jake. You think?
"I'll call you later this week, Bells," he promised, sounding all downtrodden and dejected as Rose closed her door.
"Finally!" Alice sighed in irritation. Not bothering to wait for Rose to walk over to us, she grabbed my hand, and began dragging me to the automatic revolving door that led to the ground level of the hotel.
Guilt and shame were eating me up, because even though he'd been pissing me off, he was still my friend; I couldn't leave things like that. Still being towed along behind Al, I looked back at him with an apologetic smile and a shrug of my shoulders, mouthing 'sorry' to him. As the cab pulled away, Jake accepted with a nod and a wave, which I returned, and then I turned my head back around…just in time to smack it on the doorframe. Motherfucker!
Releasing me, Alice continued through the revolving door, leaving me both my hands to cover my forehead with. My cool hands did nothing to help the ache on my noggin…that's gonna leave a mark…but soothed my enflamed face as I moaned in frustration and embarrassment. It was certain it would bruise – my pale skin marked up easily – but I was much too drunk for it to really hurt much. Someone behind me was snickering and my face, already flushed from all the liquor and humiliation, darkened a few more shades. I was half-relieved and half-annoyed when I turned around and came face to face with Rosalie.
"Oh, shut it, princess!" I snapped.
She only laughed harder, and pointed to a normal swinging door about twenty feet to the right of the revolving one. "Regular door?"
"After you, whore."
"Oh, come on! You just…hahaha! Smack! Right into the glass! Such a classic Bella Swan move. Ahhh! Classic…"
She was still chuckling as we entered the unique circular bank of elevators, walking around to where Alice waited, making it just in time to follow her inside the open doors of our assigned elevator.
"Way to wait for us, Al," teased Rose, but she got no response.
As the doors slid shut, we looked over to find a rather pissy, scowling Alice standing as far away from us as the round elevator car would allow, glaring at the floor as it were her personal nemesis with her arms crossed over her chest. Oy vey iz mir. It was going to be one of those nights.
A drunk Alice was…like a box of chocolates. You never knew what you were going to get. Nine times out of ten, the confection would be delightful, but there was that one piece that left you with an awful taste in your mouth. We huddled together in our quadrant, looking at the floor, not even daring to breathe until the doors opened and Alice stepped out into the hall; you never knew what would set her off, so it was best to play possum.
Rose glanced at me, 'You got a clue what this moody bitch is upset about?' I shrugged my shoulders, 'You know Alice – your guess is as good as mine.' I was lying, but if Rose knew, she said chose to ignore it and say nothing. I wasn't lying per se, I guess. I wasn't positive what her problem was, but I had my suspicions – namely that she was pissed off about Jake – and I was ninety-nine percent positive I was on target.
We trailed behind Alice through what felt like a maze of hallways, all going our separate ways when we entered their suite – Alice to the bathroom, Rose to the bedroom, and me to the couch. Rose brought me some pajamas when Alice finished in the bathroom, and she even made up the couch for me to sleep on while I changed, and made a half-assed, drunken attempt at brushing my teeth and scrubbing my face.
Returning from my evening…er, morning ablutions, I immediately flopped down onto the couch, my head landing in Rose's lap with a thud.
"Ow!"
"Pussy. That didn't even hurt. I'm drunk, Rosie-posie," I sighed.
"That's because you drank most of the booze in Manhattan. I'm actually kind of impressed."
"Oh, well I guess I can die a happy girl now, because that was my one goal in life, to impress Rosalie Hale."
She stuck her tongue out at me, and then mock-confessed, "I'm afraid Alice is going to murder me in my sleep; she's really in a mood. Can I sleep out here with you? Pretty please! Or maybe you could just switch me places for the night. The bed's really comfy."
"I love you and all, but no. You're just going to have to take one for the team, and by team I mean me."
"There's no 'I' in team, Bells."
"Yes, but there is a 'me,' and that's where my loyalties lay."
"You know you're a selfish bitch, right?"
"Mhmm. I'm aware. Payback. Mwah! Love ya', and don't forget to sleep with one eye open…" I paused briefly…wait for it. Sitting up, I began to whip my long hair around as if in an early nineties mosh pit while shredding my air guitar. Picking up where I left off, I sang the rest of the chorus in a rough whisper, "…gripping your pillow tight. Exit light, enter night! Take my hand…off to never-neverland!"
"Metallica? Really?"
"What? I happen to think I give good James Hetfield."
"You give good something starting with 'he', but it isn't James Hetfield."
"Don't worry, Rose, you'll always be the head master. Now, get out of here so I can go to bed."
"Fine, but when I die, my death will be on your hands. I hope you're prepared for that."
"Fully. Night, Ro."
"G'night, B. Love you."
"Love you too."
~\\~
I was awoken what felt like only minutes after I had gone to sleep, but in reality was at least four hours, because the sun was shining…right in my face.
I pulled the blanket up over face with a groan. "Who the fuck opened the bloody curtains?"
"I did," came Alice's much too chirpy voice, and then she plopped down on the couch beside me.
"Are you daft? Why the hell would you do a thing like that, Alice Cullen?"
"Shhh! Lower your voice or you'll wake Rose. I needed to talk to you privately."
"Can't it wait 'til later? I'm tired…and a bit hungover," I added as my stomach voiced its opinion of all the jostling around I was doing to it. I didn't even care that I was whining; Alice did it all the time, and it worked for her.
"It's really important, Bella. Please."
I sighed. "Fine, I'm awake, but I'm not taking the blanket off my face."
"Okay," she agreed softly, but didn't continue.
When she still hadn't said anything minutes later, I poked my head out. "Well? You gonna talk, or can I go back to sleep?"
"No – I mean no, I'm gonna talk, don't go back to sleep. I'm just trying to figure out where to start."
"The beginning usually works."
"Yeah," she murmured, chewing on her lip and wringing her hands nervously.
Realizing that this was going to take a while without gentle encouragement, I sat up. Also, her behavior was making me anxious, although I was doing my best to hide it. I grabbed her hands, and reminded her, "Al, it's just me. You don't need to be nervous."
And then…she started crying. What the fuck! Was someone sick…or dying? Was it something about Edward that she was afraid to tell me? Was Edward sick or dying?
"Alice, Jesus… Look, whatever it is, just tell me. You're kind of freaking me out."
My eyes were drawn to my hands when she yanked hers away. I was still staring at them when, out of nowhere, her tiny body slammed into mine – catching me off-guard so we fell against the back of the couch – and her arms wrapped around me. "I'm so sorry, Bella! For everything. I'm such an awful friend."
I hesitantly returned her hug with stiff pats to her back in some half-assed gesture of comfort. I was slightly mystified as to why we were rehashing this. I thought we'd cleared this up months ago.
Through messy sobs, and clinging to me like she thought I would disappear if she let go, she continued blathering. "I know you said you forgave me, but I just… I can't tell you how sorry I am, and I'm so grateful to have you back in my life." She pulled away then, and landed a stinging slap to my upper arm. "But don't you ever…," she scolded angrily, slapping my other arm, "…ever…," another slap, "…ever disappear on me again!"
"Alice! Alice!" I laughed, squirming around trying to avoid her vicious swats while at the same time attempting to subdue her. As suddenly as it started, her attack ceased, and she was hugging me again. "Ali, it's okay! I forgave you. I know you're sorry, and I'm sorry too."
"I know. Just…promise not to leave like that again," she demanded tearily, all traces of anger from the moment before gone from her voice.
"I promise," I agreed, prompting her to move beside me on the couch. Trying to lighten the mood, I joked, "Well, I'm relieved that was what all this was about. The way you attacked me, I thought for sure you were coming on to me, and I gotta say, Al – I love you to death, but I'm just not into girls. I'm aaaaall about the penis. Penis is king in my book."
"Oh, shut-up, carpetmuncher. You know you want me."
"Hell to the no thank you very much."
"You know you'd be all up in my Kool-Aid, and my panties if I let you. But you can't handle this. Mmhmmm." She gave a little attitude, putting her hand in my face like, 'whatever,' and I snorted.
"Kool-Aid, Al? Nineteen-ninety called, and it wants its slang back."
"Saturday Night Live called, they want their sketch back." Serious once again, she abruptly changed topics. "I'm also sorry about my behavior last night. I was kind of a bitch to Jake, and I shouldn't have said that thing about wanting you to be my sister-in-law. I didn't mean to."
Really? Because I'd always wanted the same thing.
I must have given away my distress or something, because she suddenly backtracked. "Shit! Wait! I didn't mean that I didn't – that I don't want that. I just meant that I didn't mean to say that in front of him…or you either. After everything that's happened, it was incredibly insensitive of me, and… Grrrr! I am fucking this right the fuck up. Let me start try this again.
"I shouldn't have said what I said. Period. And I should have been nicer. I guess I was still hoping that you and Edward would somehow work things out, and one day we would be sisters. Jake is a threat to that, and I lashed out at him, but you have my word that it won't happen again. From this point on, I vow to do what I should have done from the beginning, and just butt out.
"No more meddling. I'm going to mind my own business, until you come to me…unless my asshat brother is involved. In that case, I don't want to hear about it. You two are on your own. I'm not going to be tricked into being a go-between, or be pumped for information about each other. I think it's the only way I can be Edward's sister, and your best friend.
"You can talk to me about anything as long as Edward's not involved, and when you decide to try dating – or whatever – it'll be your friend Alice you talk to about it, not his sister. I wish I could be there for you when it comes to getting over my brother, but I don't think I can be impartial, and I don't want to feel as if I'm choosing sides. Does that sound horribly selfish?"
That was the last thing I'd been expecting, but I was grateful. Between her and Rose, she'd always been my go-to girl, and I'd missed that. Alice never just told me what to do; she had this way of asking the right questions that allowed me to work through a problem on my own, that left me feeling empowered in my life. Whereas Rosalie's usual response was to tell me to stop acting like a pussy, or tell me what she would do in my situation, and she'd already given me her opinion – unsolicited, I might add – on the particular subject that I was most concerned about. If I was honest, I guess I felt that because Alice was Edward's sister, having her tell me that it was okay to move on made me feel less guilty.
"No, it doesn't sound selfish at all. It makes perfect sense, and I think it's exactly what I need. I've missed being able to go to you. I have so much that I've wanted to call you about, but I didn't think I could…"
And just like that things were back to normal. We spent the rest of our time before Rose woke up, and Alice had to pack, talking. I told her everything that had happened with Jake – how I thought we were just friends, but he wanted to be more. How he had kissed me against my will, and even though I didn't really feel that way about him, I couldn't help wondering if it was because I wasn't allowing myself to. Because I loved him, I did, but I just didn't think I loved him like that…and I didn't know if I ever would. We talked and talked, and even though she asked all the right questions, in the end, I still wasn't sure.
"Bella, it's not going to hurt you to explore things, and see if there's anything there. What's the worst that could happen? You lose Jake as a friend, but if he stops speaking to you simply because you do what he wants – you give it a shot, and realize, once and for all, that you can't return his feelings, then he wasn't much of a friend to begin with, and it's better you found out now rather than later. I'm not telling you what to do one way or another. Whatever you decide, just make sure you follow your heart."
~\\~
Reluctant to separate before we absolutely had to, I rode with them to the airport. I probably would've had to go with them whether I wanted to or not just to help with the extra luggage Alice had for all the shit she bought. I waited with them while they checked their luggage and received their boarding passes, and then I walked them to the security checkpoint where we stood off to the side quietly soaking up the last of each other's company. When they finally had to get in line, we exchanged tearful hugs and teasing insults before I waved them off and turned to leave; part of me wished I was going with them, and didn't want to watch them walk away.
After taking a moment or two to compose myself, I began to make my way out of the airport. I hadn't taken more than a handful of steps when I thought I heard my name called out. Stopping to be sure, I heard it again, and turned around just in time for Alice slam into me, giving me another hug goodbye. "I'm really going to miss you, B."
She was on the verge of tears, and I knew that I couldn't let her start. It was a slippery slope, because if she cried, I would start, it would escalate, and then before you could say 'Bob's your uncle,' I'd be dropping out of Colombia and buying a ticket back to Seattle…plus I hated crying in public. Blotchy just isn't a good look for me.
"Oh, Alice – stop lying to yourself. When are you going to finally give in and come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name?"
"Pshaw! You wish. You're much too girly for me. I prefer my paramours to have a dick, thank you very much."
A loud gasp alerted us that someone had overheard her, and we both started laughing. It was exactly what we needed, but Rose's voice cut through the moment of hilarity, sending us crashing back to earth. "Al! Move your ass, or I'm leaving you here…with no credit cards since I have your purse."
"Damn!" Alice hissed, causing me to roll my eyes at her.
"Call me when you land, so I know you made it home, and give everyone my love."
"I will. Love you, B."
"I love you too, Ali. Thanks for everything."
"Aww, Bells! You know I'd do anything for you…and thank you, too."
"You're welcome. Now get out of here, or else we'll be here all day jerking each other off, Rose'll disappear with your precious AmEx, you'll miss your flight and be forced to hook on some street corner in Queens for some pimp named Daddy D…or some shit," I rambled.
She smiled, and shook her head at me. "Later, babes. Take care of you." Turning on her heel, she walked back to where Rose stood in the security line.
"Later," I called after her. When she was halfway back to the line, I impulsively shouted out her name, and ran towards her.
"Didn't we already say goodbye?" she joked, but I didn't take the bait.
"I know what you said this morning about Edward and me, but could you do me one favor…please?"
"Um – I guess…maybe?" She replied skeptically.
"Could you please ask him for me, to respect my wishes, and tell him…that I meant what I said."
"Yeah, I can do that."
"Thanks, Ali." I gave her another hug, and then sent her on her way. "Now get out of here before you miss your flight. And give my father a hug for me next time you're in Forks!"
"I will! Bye, Bells!"
~\\~
After the girls left, I missed home more than ever, and it took me a little while regain my equanimity. Of course, being left to my own devices didn't make it to get back into the groove. The first week and a half of June was spent entirely too much inside my head thinking and getting nowhere. I needed a distraction, but the few people in my small social circle were otherwise engaged. Angela was going with Ben to Hawaii for his sister's wedding the third week of June. They would be gone for two weeks – a week and a half in Maui, and the rest of the time visiting Angela's family in Forks – so between work and everything else, she was busy as hell and hardly around. And Jake…well, I didn't hear from him.
I could have called him, but he'd said he would call, and I assumed he would when he was ready…or not. At this point, I wasn't sure how I felt about that – him never calling again. There were things I would miss – his smile, the way he made me laugh, how he brightened my dark days, and the way I felt almost normal when I was around him – but there were just as many things I wouldn't miss. I could do without his possessiveness, his persistence in trying to force me into a relationship, and the way he had purposely pushed Rose's and Alice's buttons.
On the Thursday the week after the girls went home, my phone rang, and I answered without looking, expecting it to be Alice.
"Hey, Bells."
I nearly dropped the phone. His was the last voice I expected to hear, but I can't deny the relief that passed through me. "Jake?"
"Heh…yeah," he stammered, actually having the good grace to seem somewhat abashed, but it didn't let him off the hook.
Cold and detached, I asked, "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"I guess I had that coming."
I snorted and, before I could stop myself, snapped, "Ya think?" I mentally chastised myself for my lack of control, and then demanded, "I assume you called for a reason, so let's have it. I've got shit to, and don't have time for you to hem and haw, or beat around the bush."
"Um – well…" he started uncertainly. "I was just calling to apologize for acting like an ass, and to ask if I could take you out for lunch or dinner or…something to make it up to you."
"In what way did you act like an ass?" I was truthfully curious what his answer would be.
"I said I'd call, but I didn't, and I should have. I got upset about something said by someone who was intoxicated, and I took it out on you by acting like a pissy child, for which I am truly sorry," he admitted.
"Mmm," I replied noncommittally.
"Mmm? Mmm? That's all you're going to say?" he implored.
Biting off a sharp laugh, I replied, "Yeah."
"Well, are you going to accept my apology, and forgive me or not?"
"No. You can't just act the way you did, not call when you say you're going to, and then wait nine days and expect to be forgiven."
"I said I was sorry!" he countered, his voice rising as his agitation grew, mine increasing right-along with it, causing my nostrils to flare.
"Oh well, that just makes everything all better, Jake."
"I bet if I was Edward Cullen you'd forgiven me," he accused bitterly.
"You know what Jacob Black? Fuck you! Call me when you grow up and stop acting like a complete douchebag. Until then, go fuck yourself, you stupid, cocksucking prick!" I screamed, and then pulled the phone away from my ear. Trying to disconnect the call, I poked at the screen of my phone repeatedly, but I was furious and shaking so badly, I couldn't seem to get the fucking thing to work. I finally reached my breaking point, and threw the Goddamn thing across the room, where it landed on my bed. I was angry, not stupid…plus, I didn't have the six-hundred dollars it would cost to replace.
As soon as it left my hand, a frustrated growl rumbled in my chest. Gritting my teeth, I had myself a good, old-fashioned temper tantrum, complete with stamping feet, and clenched fists beaten against my thighs. By the time I finished, I was breathing hard, and more than likely bruised, but no calmer than I was to begin with. I was so bloody angry that I wanted to choke the piss out of him, or some into him; I wasn't sure which. How fucking dare he throw Edward in my face, especially when he couldn't have been more wrong.
Edward had begged me for forgiveness – several times, in fact. Hell, he had travelled twenty-five hundred miles to plead for with me to forgive him, and I had still sent him packing, so if Jake thought I was going to accept his shitty excuse for an apology, he was smoking crack. Grrrr! Stupid jackass!
Stiff and still in the middle of my small bedroom, I closed my eyes and concentrated on slowing my breathing. I drew deep breaths in through my nose, and out through my mouth…in with the good…out with the bad…needing to get control of myself and rein my feelings in, but every time I succeeded in stilling my mind, Jakes face and snide voice would invade the quiet, and a fresh wave of anger would surge through me. Realizing that my anger management techniques weren't going to work, I began to pace…and pace…and pace…and…
I paced until I started to feel trapped – whether by circumstance, or physically, I'm not certain, but I had to get out. My respiratory rate spiked so that I was practically panting, I felt the first sweet dregs of adrenaline hit my bloodstream, and my mind was mostly numb, lost in that weird manic stage that happens just before a panic attack really sets in and sweeps you under. I wasn't even fully aware of making the decision to leave my apartment. It wasn't until I was several blocks away that it registered, and at that point, I didn't really care where I was going, or that I had shit to do. I was just happy that I'd grabbed my keys and my wallet.
With no destination in mind, I wandered aimlessly until I eventually hit the perimeter of Central Park. It was early evening, but still daylight, so I walked a short way into the park. Sitting on the first bench I came to, I stared at nothing until it began to grow dark and the streetlights came on, serving as my cue to leave for home. By the time I grabbed a cab back to my apartment, my anger had long since faded. I was exhausted both physically and emotionally, and just wanted to sleep. It had been a really long day – it had been a really long life.
World-weary and not paying any attention as I trudged up stairs to my apartment, I nearly tripped over a vase of flowers sitting in front of the door. They were from Jake. I didn't bother reading the card before I tossed them in the trash.
~\\~
For the next week, Jake plied me with texts, voicemails, flowers, balloons, and other tokens meant to prove to me how sorry he was. I wanted to hold onto my anger, and stick with my decision to cut him out of my life, but bit by bit, he was wearing me down, and I felt my resolve begin to slip. His reconciliatory efforts reached their peak the Wednesday following our fight. I had just dismissed my two o'clock class when a man dressed as a pig walked in.
"Can I help you?" I questioned, eyebrows raised at his appearance.
"Are you Isabella Swan?"
"I am."
"I have a message for you from a Mr. Jacob Black."
My jaw dropped, but before I could send him away, he started singing.
"I'm sorry, so sorry, that I was such a fool. I didn't know love could be so cruel…Oh, oh, oh, oh, uh-oh, oh, yes. You tell me mistakes are part of being young, but that don't right the wrong that's been done." He paused, and spoke the next part, "I'm sorry, so sorry. Please accept my apology, but love is blind and I was too blind to see…"
Pausing again, this time to pull a card from…somewhere on his costume, he opened it, and began to read from it. "Mr. Black says that he acted like an abominable ass, and if you could find it in your heart to forgive him, he would be eternally grateful, and spend the rest of his life making it up to you. Please do him the honor of accompanying him to dinner this evening at seven-thirty, at Terrace in the Sky. Should you choose to not join him, he will take that as your answer, and he promises to no longer inflict himself upon you."
I was dumbfounded, a little embarrassed, and…something else, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Jake sent me a singing fucking telegram! On reflex, I accepted the card that he held out to me, and then burst into manic laughter, oblivious to the puzzled glances of the few remaining stragglers from my class who had stayed to enjoy the show.
Still laughing, I held up my finger and barked, "Just… Just – g-give me a minute." When I finally had some control of myself, I grabbed my purse from where I'd stowed it behind the lectern, pulled out some cash to tip him, and then watched him as he left. When he was gone, I fell into a chair and buried my face in my hands. What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do, what am I gonna do?
A small, tentative voice interrupted my dazed ruminations. "Um, Miss Swan…Bella?"
I lifted my head to see one of my students, a small, shy girl named Bree Stevens. "Mmm…um, I'm sorry. How can I help you, Miss Stevens?"
"I'm probably out of line here, but I just wanted to say, that…that was the sweetest gesture I've ever seen! If some guy went through all that trouble for me…well, I don't think I could stay mad at him. I'd at least have to hear him out."
She nervously rambled as I intently regarded her, rolling her words around in my head. "I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to intrude…I just… I-I should go…"
Placing a hand on her arm, I stopped her. "No, no really…you're fine. I think I needed to hear that. Thank you." Relief washed over her, and she flushed with what I assumed was gratitude over not having overstepped her bounds or angered me. I squeezed her arm once before releasing it, and asked, "I'll see you in class on Friday?"
She nodded, and rushed towards the door like she was afraid I'd change my mind. Before she could reach it, I called out to her, "Hey, Bree!" She turned. "Thanks again."
Another nod and a half-smile, and then she pushed up her glasses, and left me alone to gather up my things before heading home.
~\\~
"He did what?" Alice screeched through the phone so loudly that I actually had to pull it away from my ear, and even then I could still hear her squealing. "Oh my God, Bella, you have to go! That's like – a whole other level of sweet, and totally outside the box! I'm so jealous! What are you gonna wear?"
"Hold up there, Ricky Bobby. I haven't even decided if I'm going to go or not."
"What do you mean you're not sure if you're going? Of course you're going! Yeah, he acted like a major douchebag, but he pulled his head out of his ass, and he's done everything he can to prove to you how sorry he is. He obviously cares about you, Bella. You'd be a fool not to go, and at least hear him out. And if you don't…I'll never talk to you again," she threatened.
"Alice!"
"Okay, okay…not really, but still… You have to follow your heart, but if you want my opinion, I think you should at least give him a chance at earning your friendship back. I know I said I wouldn't interfere – and I'm not really – but as your friend, this has to be said.
"You can't stay stuck in this limbo, Bella. You keep saying you're through with Edward, yet you walk around acting as if you're pining away for him, and sweetie…that's just not healthy. For either of you.
"You need to make a decision. Either give Edward a chance…or let him go."
I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, the desire to get angry flirting at the edge of my conscience. I wanted to get mad at her, wanted to yell and scream, and tell her to mind her own Goddamn business, to stop meddling, and ask what happened to her being Switzerland, but I just couldn't, because deep down, I knew she was right.
"Bella?" she whispered cautiously.
"I'm here, Al," I answered, still frozen, and still silent.
"I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have said… I told you I would stay out of it, but I just couldn't continue to silently watch the two of you wallow in misery. And since he doesn't seem to be willing to let go…" She stopped abruptly, and I could hear someone speaking to her before she came back on the line. "Look," she sighed, "I have to go, I've got a meeting, but I'll call you as soon as it's over. It might run long, so it'll probably be a few hours."
"Okay," I accepted distractedly.
"You're not mad at me are you?"
"What? Oh, um…no. No, you were right, it had to be said."
"Okay. Well, I'll call you when I'm finished for the day. And Bella…just make whatever decision is best for you, okay?"
"Okay, Al. I'll talk to you later. Love you."
"Love you, too."
We hung up, and after a moment, I resumed walking, and mulled things over. Whatever decision is best for me. …ay, there's the rub…
I didn't want to lose Jake, I could admit that now, and I hated that I didn't…or couldn't…maybe wouldn't…love him the way he did me, but the thing was, he didn't really love me! He loved the person he thought I was, the person I used to be, and in reality, I was a corpse. The person he claimed to be in love with was locked away, asleep inside a glass coffin after having partaken of the poison apple that was Edward Cullen, never to awake because the curse was the cure, and the cure would only curse me again.
There was no Prince Charming – no knight-in-shining-Under-Armor – or who-the-fuck-ever whose kiss would awaken me, because he preferred his Snow White remain encased in her glass box of ignorance while he fucked slutty medical school cunts behind her back. This wasn't a fairy tale, it was a tragedy. It was Romeo and Juliet, and Jake wasn't meant to be my Romeo, because he'd only end up dead like me. I couldn't – didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone, though.
I finally came to a decision, and picked up my phone.
"Hey Al, it's me… Um, I was just calling to tell you that I'm going to give him a chance – Jake, I mean. Don't worry about calling me back, I'll call you tomorrow and let you know how it went. Love you and, uh…thanks for being honest with me. I think I needed to hear that. Bye."
I was so selfish.
~\*/~
Songs Used
(In Order Of Appearance):
Eclipse, Pink Floyd (Album: Dark Side of the Moon)
Enter Sandman, Metallica
I'm Sorry, Brenda Lee
1. 'That's gonna leave a mark.' Tommy Callahan in Tommy Boy.
2. '…come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name.' Frau Farbissina in Austin Powers and the Spy Who Shagged Me is where I got the inspiration, but my lovely reader, Charlucas, informs me, and she's correct, that the line originates from the poem 'Two Loves' by Lord Alfred Douglas, and became famous during Oscar Wilde's intrial for gross indecency (in other words, homosexuality), and is classically interpreted as a euphemism for homosexuality. Thank you, Charlucas.
3. …ay, there's the rub… Hamlet's 'To be or not to be" soliloquy in Act II, Scene I of Hamlet.
A/N: So we're not quite caught up time-wise with Edward. We're still about a week and a half behind him at the end of this, but as far as the story is concerned, it doesn't matter.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thank you for continuing to trust me. It will be rewarded eventually. I swear.
I'd love to hear what you think. Reviews dropped off so sharply for the last chapter that I'm certain y'all quit reading and hate me. I really hope I'm just being paranoid. Naturally, you don't have to say a word if you don't want to. I'm prolly just looking for validation anyway.
See ya' next time.
An explanation in defense of Alice:
This may not be necessary, but people have been so angry at Alice, that I feel the need to defend her for just a moment before there is anymore hatin'.
Alice obviously knows about Bella giving Jake a shot for a week or so before she says anything to Edward. She's not keeping anything from him, but she wouldn't have gone running off to tell her brother that Bella was moving on the moment she found out. She's trying to not meddle, knows the news will hurt him, so she didn't say anything until she felt he needed to know.
In her mind, Bella trying with Jake means that she's letting Edward go. Knowing this, she doesn't want her brother to continue pining away. She wants him to find some sort of happiness, and he won't be able to do that until he knows that his cage door is open. Whether he chooses to walk through it or not, is entirely his choice. Hopefully that makes sense.
Thanks again.