Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all recognizable characters, plots, etc. Only original content, characters, etc. belongs to author. No copyright infringement intended. Any errors contained herein, are expressly the fault of the authors idiocy, and not her betas.

Word Count: 8,226

A/N: As always, my undying devotion and eternal gratitude to V for betaing. Char, I am forever in your debt for pushing me to get things right and never letting me settle or take the easy path…especially with this chapter. You both rock more than I can say.

Also, thanks to all of you for reading, and reviewing. I was pleasantly surprised by the reaction to the last chapter. Your reviews were insightful and understanding, and I wanted to say thanks for sticking with me and trusting me. It means a lot. Stick with me just a little longer; we're almost there. You're all lovely.

This took a little longer than anticipated, but I wanted it to be right, and I needed to do a rewrite of most of one time, and rework it in spots after that. I apparently lost my balls, and was pulling to many punches, but it's fixed now so…

Enjoy.

Chapter 6 – Fear and Love

We always have a choice, or at least I think we do
We can always use our voice, I thought this to be true
We can live in fear, extend ourselves to love
We can fall below, or lift our selves above…

…I always try so hard to share myself around
But now I'm closing up again, drilling through the ground…

…I'd love to give myself away, but I find it hard to trust
I've got no map to find my way amongst these clouds of dust

Fear can stop you loving, love can stop your fear, fear can stop you loving…
…But it's not always that clear

-Morcheeba

~\*/~

I met Jake for dinner with every intention of giving him a chance…a chance at what, I didn't really know. I knew what kind he thought – expected – I was giving him, and I let him believe his own lie even though deep inside, I didn't know if it could ever be the truth. I loved Jake, but could I ever really love Jake? I didn't have an answer for that.

As I prepared for the evening, I began mentally tabulating a list of Jake's pros and cons. He was funny (pro), but often in a juvenile way (con). He looked out for me (pro), but usually in ways that discounted my opinion (con). He was physically attractive with good personal hygiene (pro), but I didn't know if I was sexually attracted to him (con). Just because I could appreciate the bouquet, didn't mean I had any interest in sampling it. On and on I compiled, my list growing, but both sides remained dead even, and I was out of time.

No closer to a solution, and with no small amount of trepidation because of it, I locked my apartment door behind me, and set off to meet him at the restaurant.

Dinner was a far too formal and fancy affair. I felt out of my element, and couldn't seem to relax. Everything felt forced; Jake was too nice and too accommodating, the cloth napkins were too starched, the food was too stuffy…it was all too-too much! And the entire time, I kept wishing to be at dinner with another man, in another state. I couldn't quit comparing him to Edward. He would never have taken me to a fancy restaurant to apologize…then again, Edward would never have apologized, but still. Edward knew me – my likes, my dislikes, my fears, my hopes (most of them, at least) – perhaps better than I knew myself.

Sipping the bitter, overpriced wine paired with our entrees, I nonchalantly added the whole dinner-date disaster to Jake's 'con' column. Outwardly, I was all gracious smiles and polite-conversation, but inwardly I was agitated and acting like an ungrateful bitch. I was just really bothered that after months of friendship, Jake still didn't seem to get me; he didn't even seem to try. He should have known that clichés – red roses and dinner at a pretentious restaurant – wouldn't impress me (con). The singing telegram (pro) had been inspired, unique even, but the rest of his gesture was stale.

My head was so full of trivial annoyances and judgments that I couldn't concentrate, wanting to crawl out of my skin before the meal was halfway through. By the time we finally finished, it was all I could do not to sprint out the door. I turned down Jake's offer to get me a cab; dinner had left me feeling too suffocated to stand being cooped up again so soon. It was a nice night and only a few blocks to my apartment; I wanted to stretch my legs.

"I'm all right. I think I'm going to walk."

"Okay, I'll come with you then. You know – just to make sure you get home safe, and all."

"That's really sweet of you, but you don't – I'll be fine."

"I know I don't need to, Bells, but I want to."

He sounded so earnest, and seemed so eager to please that I just couldn't find it in me to turn him down. "Okay," I chirped with faux brightness and a forced smile. Paging Susie Sunshine. "Let's go!"

I set off, marching at time and a half, not even bothering to see if Jake was behind me or not. Less than a quarter of a block later, there was a tug on my arm, and then Jake slipped his hand in mine, pulling me to him. "Hey there, Jackie Joyner-Kersey! Where ya' running to?"

"Nowhere," I claimed defensively as I took a half step back and then turned toward him to get some much needed distance. "Sorry…was I walking too fast?"

"Practically sprinting," he teased, pulling me back to his side, and then slipping his arm over my shoulder in one smooth move that I would never be able to manage. He was clearly trying to prolong our time together, and I decided to give him this, because he was batshit if he thought I was going to invite him inside.

His easy smile warped into something I assumed was supposed to resemble a smirk, but in my jaded frame of mind, appeared much closer to a leer. "And I don't think you're supposed to physically exert yourself so much this soon after a meal…or maybe that only applies to swimming? Well, better safe than sorry," he joked, but I didn't laugh. Truthfully, I wasn't really listening.

"Bells? Bella? Ground control to Major Tom!" Jake waved a paw in front of my face, startling me.

"Huh?"

"Where'd you go just now?"

"Oh, just spaced off. Sorry."

"S'okay. So, I was asking if you wanted to do something Friday?"

"Um…I can't. Angela and Ben leave soon, and that's the only night she has free beforehand, so I promised I'd hang with her. Sorry."

"No biggie. What about Saturday? Weathers s'posed to be nice. We could spend the afternoon at the park?"

"Library."

"Reschedule. Come to the park with me," he whined. Seriously, grown men shouldn't whine. Not a turn on. Con.

"I can't."

"Oh, come on, Bells! Missing one day won't kill you."

"Since when are you the expert on my workload? I'm here for school, Jake, not to live it up. I have a shit-ton of work to do in a short amount of time. I'm moving back to Seattle at the end of February, I have my orals here at the end of March, and will be busy with wedding stuff in between. I need to get my studying done now, while I still have access to the libraries at Butler."

"Sorry," he muttered dejectedly, and then resumed walking, dragging me with.

Jakes arm remained wrapped around me, and although we pressed together physically, two people couldn't have been farther apart in that moment than we were. Both of us nursing ruffled feathers, our perturbed silence seemed to surround us like a physical thing. As if we were The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, our fellow pedestrians gave us a wide berth as they flowed around us. I was adding the moment to the growing checklist of cons…and trust me, they were really piling up…when the blinders obscuring my hypocrisy suddenly disappeared.

I wasn't giving Jake a fair shot at anything. Before I had even left my apartment, I had been determined that this was doomed – that we were doomed – and why? Because some asshole with 'Mommy Issues' had fucked me around while fucking half the town, or because he wasn't him? Well, either way, fuck that! Jake might not be Edward, but Edward hadn't turned out to be that great of a catch. Yeah, there was no Romeo and Juliet-type, all-consuming love, but look how that relationship turned out; they both ended up dead.

No one would ever compare to Edward, but at the same time…thank whomever for that! Edward did some really shitty things to me over the years, made me cry countless times, and ripped my out heart. Still, it wasn't all painful memories; I wouldn't have stayed with him otherwise. We had some great times, and I would never feel the way about anyone the way I did about him, but I think I was right when I thought that a fire that burned as bright as we did wasn't meant to – couldn't–last.

Just because I would never feel about anyone the way I did about Edward, didn't mean I couldn't feel something for someone, and Jake obviously felt strongly about me. Hell, he claimed to love me – although, I still had my doubts about that, but that was neither here or there. I felt something – love, of a sort– for him, too. I might not be able to reciprocate what he felt for me, but maybe…in time, I could learn. Not every love is all-consuming, and so far, that kind of love hadn't really proven to be healthy.

Resigned to accept what Jake could offer me, I let my anger and resentment go, and relaxed into his side, unaware that I'd been holding myself so stiffly in the first place. Jake felt the change in my demeanor, and looked down at me with a timid smile, as if he was worried about my reaction. "You okay now, Bells."

I looked up at him in shock, and he shrugged. "I notice. You might not think I do, but I do notice." He scratched at the back of his neck. "Sorry about the restaurant. I know it was a bit – hoity-toity. I was going to pick somewhere simple, but I didn't want it to be like a normal night out. I wanted to do something nice for you, treat you well. You deserve nice things, Bells."

I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for being such a complete raging bitch. I hope I didn't ruin dinner."

"Actually, it was kind of amusing watching you squirm, and the look on your face when the waiter took your salad from you mid-bite…" he laughed and shook his head, "…fucking priceless. I thought for sure you'd blow up on him."

"Oh, yeah? How'd that go for ya'?"

"I lost five bucks…to myself. I can't decide if that makes me five dollars richer, or poorer, though."

And just like that, we'd regained our balance.

I snorted. "A question for the ages – kinda like if a tree falls in the woods and no one's there to hear it, does it make a sound?" Jake looked at me blankly. "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" Still blank. "Okay, now I know you're fucking with me. Jackass."

"Of course, I'm not that dumb, Isabella. After all, I was smart enough to befriend you." He stopped us, turned me to face him, and stroked his thumb along my jaw, gazing at me with soft eyes. Warmth bloomed in my chest, but I wasn't sure what it was: affection or regret from the sudden certainty that told me I was going to break his heart.

"We're here," Jake whispered.

"Hmm?" My eyebrows drew together, not understanding him.

"Your building."

Blinking, I raised a little on my toes, looked over his shoulder at the familiar white door of the front entrance of my apartment building, and said, "Oh."

I decided I could analyze my feelings and the warm sensation spreading through me later. For now, I was going to try to roll with it; I was operating entirely too much with my head, and not enough with my heart…or with what I had left of it.

"Well…," he started, only to have me cut him off.

"You wanna walk me up?"

Jake beamed at me with obvious delight. "Yeah. Ms. Swan...," he offered me his arm with an exaggerated courtly bow, "…shall we?"

I curled my arm around his, resting my hand in the crook of his elbow, and he lead me to the door. He held it open, directing me inside with a sweeping gesture, and entered behind me before offering me his arm again, leading me up the stairs. When we reached my door, I released his arm and busied myself with finding my keys. Once the deadbolt was unlocked, I turned to face him, trying to ignore the awkwardness swirling around us. I hated this part – the goodnight at the door – it always made me doubt myself. I should have said goodbye in front of the building, but I suppose that wouldn't have been any better; there would have been spectators to view our fumbling.

"Thanks for dinner…and everything. It was really nice."

"Bella, you know you were miserable. Just admit it." He smiled widely, and I laughed.

"Well, it was just so stuffy and pretentious. I mean, my God! My napkin was so starched, it may have been possible to use it as a weapon." We both chuckled, the levity easing our discomfort for a moment, but then it passed and we were floundering at square one again. "Really, though – you went to a lot of effort, and that's what counts."

"Thanks for joining me…and for the rest. Well, I should…" he trailed off with a sigh, pointing over his shoulder. "Early class tomorrow, you know how it goes."

"Right, right. Okay. Oh hey, I was thinking –" I stopped abruptly, mouth open, unsure of what I had been planning to say; of what tosay.

"You were thinking? Really? That could be dangerous." Jake beamed at me rakishly, and I shakily laughed.

"Yeah, um…I was thinking that I could probably skip out of the library early on Saturday, and meet you at the park say…after three. It might be nice to get out of the stuffy library for a bit…but I could only stay for a couple hours." Jake stared at me blankly without saying a word, causing my rambling to continue. "I mean, if the offer's still there. I don't wanna presume, or anything…"

He finally smiled, and I trailed off. "How's two work for ya? Meet me across from the Met?"

"'Kay," I agreed.

Silence swallowed us up yet again. In the unnatural still of the hallway, every sound we made seemed magnified – the rustling of our clothing rumbled like distant thunder, every inhaled and exhaled breath undulating like the gusting wind and crashing water at the coast during a storm. Under the scrutiny of the glaring silence, we both shifted, the echoes of our shuffling feet bearing testimony to our discomfort, so I decided to put us out of our misery. Jake clearly wasn't going to step up and do it. Unlocking my door, I let the evening come to an end. "Well – thanks for the lovely evening. I'm gonna…"

My eyes downcast, I pushed it open a hair, indicating that I was going inside. "I guess I'll see you Saturday then, yeah?"

Jake said nothing, but I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and lifted my chin slightly. "Fuck it!" he muttered. A millisecond later, he towered over me, hands raised up and reaching. He wrapped one around my neck, his fingertips tickling the hair at the nape of it and his warm palm heavy where it lay against the side of my throat. The other plunged into my hair, its heel burning the skin over the hinge of my jaw.

He pressed against me, tilted my head to a more accommodating angle, and then slanted his lips across mine, kissing me thoroughly. Unlike our first kiss all those weeks ago, there was a gentleness to this one that had been missing before, but it belied the neediness behind it that was still present. My natural instinct was to resist him…unless I initiated the kiss or they were Edward's lips, that had been my natural reaction for more than five years…but I quickly allowed myself to relax, to give in, and even kiss him back.

He never made any move to deepen the kiss, but when he finally pulled away, after a final chaste peck, we were both panting. "Goodnight, Bella," he whispered against my mouth before releasing me, and disappearing through the stairwell door, taking all the warmth with him.

"Goodnight," I breathed to the empty hallway, before going inside, shutting and locking the door behind me, and curling up underneath a pile of blankets on my bed.

We fell into a holding pattern after that. I was air traffic control and Jake was awaiting word from my tower that it was safe to land, but I kept him overhead, circling around and wasting fuel, not knowing if I had any intention of bringing him in or not. He would eventually run out of fuel, but I refused to allow that knowledge have any bearing on my decision; I wasn't ready to let go of Edward yet, and couldn't sleep with him until I was. We were PG-13, stuck on first base because I wouldn't let things move past kissing. Kissing was fine. People said hello with kisses. Kissing didn't feel like a betrayal…much.

Of course, I'd have to have made a promise to someone, or a commitment, and I had done neither…except to Jake and myself, but we weren't the ones I felt as if I were betraying, and it made no sense to me. I felt like a broken record having to remind myself over and over again that Edward and I were through, that we'd never really had anything to begin with. All we'd ever had was a deal to stop sleeping together if we decided to sleep with anyone else. I may have rescinded our agreement, but he was the one who had ended it. I needed to let go, but despite having vowed to do so too many times to count, I wasn't sure that I could – wasn't sure I knew how.

Sleeping with Jake shouldn't have been such a big deal; I had slept with other people since Edward. Sure, I had felt some amount of guilt each time, but being in a relationship with someone and sleeping with them was…more than any of those random, drunken couplings.

It wasn't until November – the week of Thanksgiving, to be exact – that the song and dance finally got old for both of us. Jake had several roommates, so we were hanging out at my place for the night since Angela was at Ben's – again. She had been spending most of her time there since she returned from his sister's wedding over the summer. I had a feeling that the only reason she hadn't moved in with him yet was because she didn't want to force me to find either a roommate or a new apartment when I would be moving back to Seattle at the end of February. Even if I weren't there, she would have had to break the lease to move in with him, so it wasn't as if I was really holding her up at all.

Jake and I were supposedly watching a movie, but I think he was giving his attempts at groping my tits more attention than the screen. After the ninetieth time I pulled his paw out of my shirt in fewer minutes…touching had been limited to over the clothes, above the waist only, and only on special occasions – remember, strictly PG-13…I snapped, and ordered him to heel.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Jake! Seriously? How many fucking times do I have to tell you to heel before you stop fucking trying to cop a feel? What part of 'no' don't you understand? Do you like rejection?"

"Fucking come on, Bells! It's been like five fucking months since we started seeing each other, and I can't get past first base. Fuck! We've even slept in the same bed on numerous occasions, and you won't even cuddle with me, but you say his name in your sleep. I bet I'd get laid if my name was Edward fucking Cullen!" Oh, it was on now…like motherfucking Donkey Kong!

"How fucking dare you throw him in my face, you stupid motherfucker! So what, because I fucked him I'm some kind of huge whore, and I should have fucked you already? Is that what you're saying, Jacob Black? If you're really that fucking concerned about sex, then here's a bit of advice for ya – Go. Fuck. Yourself! Either way, get the fuck out of my apartment!" I was so incensed I was incandescent with rage.

Already standing at that point, I stormed to the door, and yanked it open. "Now Bells, I didn't…" he started.

"You didn't mean it? Huh? Save it. Just leave. Now!"

"Bell…"

"I swear to fuck, Jake… Just go before I call the cops." Not making eye contact, I pointed into the hall with one hand, and kept the other on the doorknob. I was seething.

"Fine, Bella! Fine!" Jake snatched up his coat from the chair, and stomped towards the door, coming to a halt on the threshold. Towering over me, he added, "But for the record, I didn't mean it like that."

My muscles tensed, ready to slam the door on him as soon as he was far enough through it…it wouldn't have bothered me had it hit him in the ass on the way out…but just before I could, he turned and was on me. One hand wrapped around my waist, clutching my hip; the other palmed the back of my head, fingers weaving into my hair. I didn't have the chance to so much as squeak, before he bent me back over his arm in a low dip. Hovering over me, his lips slanted across mine, he kissed me with a dizzying, classic movie thoroughness. I was the spunky dame he was trying to sweep off her feet, and he was the Spencer Tracey-esque leading man, conquering me with cocky defiance in a 'Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn' manner, and it was working…not that I'd have ever let him know.

When he righted me, setting me back on my feet, I was breathless and panting, my face flushed and my eyes glassy, but the hard edge of my anger hadn't yet faded, leaving me unwilling to give up or give in to him; I refused to let him know how he affected me. I honed my temper to a fine edge, grateful that it, the blood rushing to my head from being dipped so low, the lack of oxygen, or any combination of the three could be blamed for my red face, allowing me to keep my façade in place. A good poker player always keeps their cards close to their chest, minimizing the risk of someone seeing their cards or calling their bluff; I may not have been playing poker, but it was even more important that I keep my heart – or my lust, as the case may be – as close as possible. Someone whom I didn't give myself to couldn't hurt me.

The daze from his heady kiss receded enough for me to realize that I was just standing there – mouth agape, staring, and my temper was piqued. Raising my hand, I slapped him, and then dropped it back to my side clenched into a tight fist, the other taking a death-hold on the doorknob. I refused to meet his eyes with my narrowed ones as he stepped back, one hand pressed to his cheek. He turned to go, but hesitated, wanting to get in one last word.

"This is far from over; we are far from over. I'm in love with you, Isabella Swan, and I'm prepared to fight for you…even if you are the one I have to fight. You kissed me back, so you can't say that you don't want me, too…and you can't deny that he is what's holding you back."

"You are so full of shit," I informed him, my voice weak and thin, not only because I knew there was some truth in his words, but also because his willingness to fight for me threatened to take my breath. Edward had never – would never fight for me. He had flown to New York, saying he loved me, wanted me back, and claiming to have searched for me for months, but if Edward had ever really wanted me, he should have fought for me long before then. Had Edward really been in love with me, he would have never fucked Skankya behind my back. My leaving hadn't made him realize how much I meant to him. No, he was just upset to have lost his favorite toy, and the acknowledgment hit me like a physical blow.

…lay down your arms…

I could have admitted defeat, and given in to Jake right then, but I didn't. A girls gotta have her pride, after all, and I refused to be the one to bend or break in this battle; I wouldn't admit I was weak.

…that thing you're using, is hurtin' me bad, what do you hope to achieve…

"You don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about; you're just pissed off because I don't love you. I told you to leave, Jake, and I meant it, so just fucking go!"

…fussin' and fightin' is leaving me sad, that's not the way it should be…

My cruel declaration didn't elicit a response from him, which was good…I happen to enjoy getting the last word, thank you…but neither did it achieve its intended goal: making him leave. Possibly, for good, my mind tacked on for me, my stomach twisted with the realization that those words could very well be the last words I'd ever say to him, and I was conflicted. On the one hand, good riddance, but on the other, I really did care about him, and I couldn't deny that I wanted him just as he'd said I did. I mean, the way he'd kissed me had been hot. It might have even turned me on. Might have, Bella? Hnh!

…lay down arms, baby, now surrender to me don't you know...

It occurred to me then that Edward would never be out of my system until I committed fully to Jake. Seeing or maybe just admitting the truth for the first time, I acknowledged to myself that I did love Jake romantically. It may have lacked the passion and fire and all-consuming-ness between Edward and me, but it was love nonetheless. I'd been refusing to sleep with him, not because I didn't find him attractive or because I only thought of him as a friend, but because doing so would be the final stroke of the blade, severing my connection with Edward for good, and even though I kept saying I wanted it, I wasn't sure that I actually did. Fuck me; both Alice and Jake were right.

I was at a crossroads and needed to make a decision. It was time to prove to everyone – myself, Edward, Jake, Alice – that I really did want to move on…and there was no time like the present. While I still had the nerve. I didn't like having to swallow my pride, but my sanity and the chance to move on finally were more important than that. Shoving Jake out of the way of the door, I slammed it shut and took two tentative steps toward where he stood, facing away from me. You're really doing this, Bella.

...hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption, winding in and winding out…

I was already losing my nerve, and couldn't look away from the floor, my natural self-doubt creeping in and threatening to make me fail. When he finally turned to face me, the tips of his shoes entering my field of vision – I hissed at his unexpected proximity, and then scolded myself for my reaction. Kinda hard to fuck someone from across the room, idiot.

"What are you doing, Bella?" His voice was soft and quiet, and his breath ruffled my hair.

…the shine of it has caught my eye, and roped me in, so mesmerizing, so hypnotizing…

What was I doing? I thought I knew – I had been so sure of it – but I didn't really know, so I didn't answer. Instead, I forced myself to stop thinking, and stuck with my plan. Launching myself at him, shoving him back against the door with a thud, I gripped the lapels of the jacket that I didn't remember him putting on after he grabbed it, pulled his face down to mine and kissed him. It was rough, and desperate – almost feral – and nothing like any kiss we'd ever shared, and he wasn't responding.

"Bella," he said, startled and trying to push me back gently by my shoulders. I wasn't having it; I kept my lips moving against his, trying to engage him in the kiss. "What – what is this?"

…I am captivated…

"Stop talking, Jake. Just – shut up and kiss me, please!" I implored, still kissing him. My hands still gripping his coat, I peeled it off his body, letting it drop to the floor.

"Wait, Bella, what are you…"

…I am vindicated…

"You were right, so stop acting like you don't want this as much as I do, and just go with it."

"But – are you sure this is what you want? I mean…"

I knew I'd won when Jake unconsciously leaned towards me, even as he questioned me. The disappointment that flared on his face when I pulled back was almost comical, but I saw it quickly turning into something else – something bad – and took action to stop it. Pulling my shirt up and over my head, I looked him in the eyes and asked, "Are you done talking yet?"

Heat flashed in his dark eyes, and he unconsciously licked his lips. It felt good to be wanted, and I let the feeling wrap around me, heating me.

…I am selfish…

He nodded, eyes on my barely-hidden chest the whole time; boys really were too easy. Like one of Pavlov's dogs, I could practically see saliva pooling in his mouth. I reached behind me to unsnap my bra, and suddenly Jake pressed hard against me, his hands stilling mine. I'd admitted to feeling some amount of romantic love for him, and he was a great boyfriend – almost too attentive, too sweet, really – but I wasn't in love with Jake, and the look in his eyes said he was in love with me…I was a monster.

…I am wrong…

"I want to do that part, please?" he asked softly, reverently, his hooded eyes piercing mine with an intensity that nearly made me reconsider what I was doing, because I knew the look wasn't mirrored in my eyes, but Jake didn't seem to notice, and I was too weak-willed to stop it. I was too set on my course of action even though it may very well spell disaster for us both.

I leaned into him, forcefully mashing our lips together and kissed him with my eyes closed, hoping to erase the vision of another man that was suddenly hovering in front of his face. It didn't work though. The hazy specter of pale and bronze disarray just intensified, solidified, and I bit my lip to keep from speaking his name.

Somehow, we made it to my room, onto my bed, and Jake was inside me, and it was good, only not quite enough. I couldn't get Edward out of my head, which was so wrong with Jake inhabiting all of my senses...not to mention other parts of me, too.

"Oh, fuck! Oh…Bells! So good!" cried the wrong voice – Jake, not Edward.

I moved with him, against him, making all the right sounds, and it felt good – great, actually – but I couldn't seem to give myself over to the pleasure of it. Forcing my head back into the game, I focused on his movements inside me until I found the fine thread of tingling pleasure that it caused. Grasping onto it, it began to coil around me, wrapping me up in it just as Jake's words began to grow less comprehensible. But I still needed more, Jake was slipping over, and the battle to keep Edward out of my mind was just distracting enough to keep me hovering at the edge with no hope of going over, so I stopped fighting it, and let Edward fill my head.

The first memory sent a jolt of the pleasure Jake was giving me surging uncontrollably through my body, causing me to throw my head back and arch up into him, begging, "Harder! Ungh! Please, harder!"

"Are you – oh, God! Are you close? Please tell me you're close. I can't...I c-can't hold on!"

"Yesssss! Oh, God! S-so close. Please!" I begged. "Again."

Jake called out again, thrusting hard one more time, giving me what I wanted, and we both crashed over the edge. He called out my name as my head fell back, my body arching harder into his and my mouth fell open, Edward's name forming on my lips, but the word not coming out.

Jake rolled off me, sprawling on his back beside me until he caught his breath and could get up to dispose of the condom in the trash can beside my desk. Snuggling under the blankets, he pulled me to his side and, with a kiss to my head, drowsily declared, "I love you, Bella."

…I am right, I swear I'm right…

I froze, unable to make the words pass my lips, but Jake said nothing. A quick glance over my shoulder confirmed why: he was already asleep. A tenderness I hadn't expected flooded my nerves, causing my hand to reach out and stroke his jaw, but it quickly passed. I settled at his side, waiting until his breathing evened out enough that I was certain he wouldn't wake, and then I slipped out of bed and crept to the bathroom. I was so confused, feeling cold and sick with dread that I'd made the wrong choice, and by doing so – by having sex with Jake – I'd trapped myself in something I wasn't sure I was ready for. Goodbye was so much harder than I thought it would be, especially when I was having doubts that it was even what I wanted. Was it too late? So much for sex with Jake being the final stroke…

…I swear I knew it all along…

Locking the door, because I wouldn't have put it past Jake to not just walk in if he were to wake up and come look for me, I turned on the water in this sink, and grabbed a towel from the cabinet before sinking down to the floor, covering my face, and crying out my frustrations. Giving in to Jake was supposed to solve everything, but I was more confused than ever. When I had gotten it all out of my system, I splashed some water on my face, flushed the toilet – just in case I needed an excuse…however embarrassing – and snuck back to my room.

Apparently getting everything you wanted wears a person out, because Jake hardly stirred when I slipped back into bed, curling myself around the edge of it and hoping that Jake would stay on his side. I really didn't think I could handle him touching me; I was too keyed up to handle anyone touching me.

The sick-numb feeling I'd felt in the bathroom never went away, it kept me up all night, and as soon as I could get away without raising questions, I fled. By the time Jake woke up, I'd tidied the living room, cleaned the kitchen, and made breakfast for us both. Idle hands are the devil's playground…and an idle mind is even worse. Between the lack of sleep, and the mindless busywork I'd occupied myself with, I had disconnected, allowing a candy-coating of placidity – thin and brittle – over my dark, tumultuous center, and preventing the morning from becoming as awkward as it could have been. The downside was that I was distracted and distant, but if Jake noticed, he kept it to himself.

After breakfast, Jake had to get back to his place to pack – he was going home to Washington for the Thanksgiving break, and had an early flight the next morning. Although I was sure I would miss him, I couldn't seem to express it with my words, so I did the next best thing and expressed it with my mouth, giving him a goodbye blowjob. Whether it was goodbye for the holiday, or goodbye-goodbye, I couldn't at that time say, but I felt that either way, he deserved something from me in lieu of my heart, which I didn't have to give. I turned down his offer to reciprocate – he'd already given me too much – and walked him to the door. With a kiss, he walked to the door, turning at the last minute to tell me he loved me; I told him to have fun.

…and I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well…

Sleeping with Jake released an avalanche of emotion down upon me, forcing me to face up to the many things I'd convinced myself I'd dealt with, but had really just placed in some out of the way place to be dealt with later…out of sight, out of mind, as the saying goes.I was the avoider…hey, if George W. Bush could call himself the decider…and so good at it, I could even fool myself into thinking problems had disappeared. However, even I could no longer ignore the mountain of shit I'd swept under the rug, because it was tripping me up. So really, it was perfect that Jake left the following day to spend time with his father…and mine…sort of.

I really didn't like the idea of him chillin' with my father. I couldn't shake the feeling that by the time he returned they were going to have planned our whole wedding, picked out a white picket fence-enclosed home, and named our two-point-five children…William Charles Black, Vanessa Renee Black, and Wolfgang, the adopted mutt. I could picture it all in my head – me, smiling contentedly inside the house, baby on my hip as I prepared dinner, and then Jake walking through the door…honey, I'm home…kissing me on the cheek –and it disturbed me. Although, I wasn't sure what was more bothersome – the fact that I could picture it, or the fact that it didn't freak me out as much as I thought it should – but it didn't really matter; it was a bad idea.

Until now, Jake and my father having an existing relationship that had nothing to do with me had been theoretical, but faced with it the only thing I could think was: what the fuck was I thinking getting involved with the son of Charlie's best friend? I hadn't taken the time to fully appreciate the complications that would arise from dating Jacob Black, or the ramifications it would have on the rest of my life – and Charlie's – if it ended…which it almost inevitably would.

…I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself…

It was the combination of so many things – my insecurities, my indecision, my need for vindication, my Goddamn stubbornness – that had initially allowed me to be pushed into something I didn't particularly want with someone I hadn't been particularly interested in romantically. Of course, nothing remains static, but it took me a while to admit it. Feeling anything aside from lust for someone other than Edward was so contrary that, when my feelings for Jake began to evolve, I hadn't been able to embrace it, and clung desperately to my denial.

When I did finally accept it, I couldn't wrap my mind around it. How was it even possible to have such disinterest in someone romantically, yet still feel a small amount of love for them? Before we'd consummated our relationship, I had wondered – was still wondering, honestly – if I hadn't fooled myself into loving him simply because he wanted it so badly, and I had an almost pathological need to please others. But now? Things had changed…somewhat. At least to the extent that I could no longer deny that my feelings for Jake were deeper than I wanted to admit – deeper than I wanted them to be. Maybe even deeper than I was ready for.

…rendered me so isolated, so motivated…

For the first time since I'd left Seattle, the anger that had been hiding behind my heartbreak – bolstering me up – was gone, and I felt uncertainty closing in. Doubts – about where things were going with Jake, everything that had happened with Edward – plagued me like a horde of locusts, eating away any confidence I had in the decisions I had made and the choices I was making. I began questioning everything. Had I handled the situation with Edward the right way? Should I have given him another chance? Had he really changed – was he even capable of it? Could he be theman now I had needed him to be then?

Was I forcing myself to be with Jake as a way of proving something to myself…of punishing Edward? Was I ready to commit emotionally to Jake the way he wanted to commit to me – the way he already had – or was it too soon? Could I ever reconcile loving someone else – loving Jake – when Edward would always possess my heart? Would I ever manage to actually follow through with it and say goodbye to Edward? Did I even want to anymore?

…I am certain now…

Admitting my true feelings for Jake seemed to have opened the door to truths long-denied, sending me headlong into a tailspin of confusion that even I found annoying. With each new question that arose, and admission confessed, one thing became clear: I needed to find out if there was anything left to salvage between Edward and myself, because until I knew that what we had was dead, until I had closure, I couldn't declare a time of death and zip up the body bag.

I didn't want to wake up when I was thirty-five years old and realize that I let the love of my life walk away. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life thinking about what could have been, and I couldn't move forward if I was always looking to the past, it wasn't fair to any of us – me, Jake, nor Edward. Whomever I chose to be with, I owed it to him to give all of myself, and I owed the other one his freedom. I was done vacillating.

…Trace the moment, fall forever, defense is paper thin…

Instead of the anxiousness I'd come to expect when making decisions regarding Edward, I felt a deep, abiding sense of peace…or possibly bone-deep exhaustion…creep over me. The distress I expected to feel was noticeable, but only in its absence. Mostly, I felt eager, but I reined in my impatience. Coming to a decision wasn't the same as reaching a resolution. I still had to act on it, and I was going to do it the right way – face-to-face with no lying and no games.

The problem was that I wouldn't be able to have the conversation that needed to be had with Edward for three more months, and I couldn't allow my relationship with Jake to continue when I couldn't honestly commit to a future with him. Therefore, until a decision could be made I was going to have to end things with Jake, and knowing that I was going to cause an innocent party pain, no matter what the outcome, simply because he fell in love with me, was making me feel itchy….and not in a good way.

However, I couldn't allow a little temporary discomfort hinder me from doing what I knew needed to be done. Slight discomfort now could become acute pain down the road, and by then, it would be too late to get out. I needed to tell Jake and the sooner the better, but I refused to ruin his time with his family by telling him over the phone; he deserved better than that from me. Despite the urgency I felt to get the ball rolling, I would wait to talk to Jake until he came home.

…just one touch and I'd be in…

It was just Chinese food, a couple bottles of Asahi, and me for Thanksgiving, but as late afternoon turned into early evening, the requisite telephone calls began to trickle in. Angela's small-talk-filled check-up call was followed by one from Alice and Rose that caused a nearly uncontrollable surge of longing to shoot through my veins when I heard his voice unexpectedly. My breath hitched and then stuck in my chest as I held the air in my lungs, listening with straining ears to hear him again, torn between wanting it more than anything, and dreading what I would do if I got it.

A male voice came unexpectedly over the line, but when I realized that it was Emmett's overexcited voice barreling into my eardrum, a wave of disappointment iced over me, dulling the tingle caused by Edward's phantom voice until it was gone. I wanted to hit him for not being Edward, but also had the urge to kiss him for preventing me from doing something stupid like asking to speak to his brother. I consoled myself with the knowledge that by the end of the day, Rose would have done both, and started looking for excuses to get off the phone so that I could shut the damn thing off.

Before I managed to come up with anything, my call waiting beeped. "Em, I got a call on the other line, so I gotta go, but I'll talk to you later. Love ya, mister. Take care of my girls for me, and take care of you."

"Sure can do, Belly-boo! Love ya, girly!"

"Bye, Em."

I didn't want to take the call, not being all that eager to discover what, or who, was waiting for me on the other line…my luck, Renee would have suddenly remembered that she had another daughter…but it got me off the phone with Emmett relatively unscathed. He'd most likely done irreparable harm to my ear drum, but after all the years of knowing him, they didn't work that well anyway…what was another few percentage of hearing loss.

Rather than feel relieved when I switched over to the other line, I had the distinct feeling that I was hopping out of the frying pan and straight into the fire, but told myself to stop being such a Gloomy Gus, and answered with a wary hello. Well, hello to you too, self-fulfilling prophecy.

"Bells! Happy Thanksgiving, kid. You being safe all alone there in the big city?"

Charlie. I murmured my assent.

…too deep now to ever swim against the current…

"That boy of yours tells me that you guys are getting pretty serious. I think that's great, he's a good kid. You know, when you two were little…"

Fuck my life! I hadn't been serious when I'd made the crack to myself about them planning my wedding. If he asked me for my measurements so he could order my wedding dress, I was hanging up. And relocating. Permanently.

It was only 7:30 when I ended the call and dropped my phone next to me on the couch, but I was so drained and annoyed – Just what the fuck did Jake tell our fathers about us? – that I was done. I was going to wash my hands of the whole day, and I'd start by powering my phone off. At the last minute, I went against my better judgment and left it on, compromising by deciding that I'd leave it on the coffee table when I went to my room.

My dinner mess was cleaned up and the apartment tidied in short order. I took one last swig of my beer, draining it and tossing it into the trash…I salute you, fallen soldier…before heading to my room, hoping to sleep until the holiday was over…that was something for which I could be thankful. Maybe I'd dream of some creative way in which I could neuter Jake for whatever he'd said that had our fathers acting like Mrs. Bennett. Maybe if I called Charlie back, refusing to marry Jake, he would refuse to speak to me ever again? Doubtful, but a girl could hope.

I'd had to endure the effete gushing of Charlie and Billy Black for more than thirty minutes. 'We're both so happy you two are together.' 'We've always hoped this would happen.' 'After two girls, I was thrilled to finally get a son, and my wife used to joke that the only reason I wanted a boy so badly was so that the Swans and Blacks could be united and finally be family.' 'It doesn't matter that you're not Quileute because you're Charlie's little girl.' Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Are you kidding me? Not interested because it was making me sick to my stomach and threatening to rain on my decisive day parade, I stopped listening. If I hadn't felt as if I were stuck with Jake before, I certainly did after that. With every word they'd uttered, I faltered just a little more.

…so let me slip away…

I felt like Atlas, only instead of my punishment being to hold up the heavens, I bore the hopes and expectations of three grown men, and wanted nothing more than to crumple under the weight. The thought of disappointing all of them made my knees knock, and I momentarily reconsidered the conversation I was planning to have with Jake when he returned, but I wouldn't be deterred, not when I was so close to a resolution. If there was ever a time for me not to let the perceived pressure of others keep me from finding happiness, it was now.

…slight hope, it dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption...

Songs Used
(in order of appearance):
Space Oddity by David Bowie
Other Arms by Robert Plant
Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional

Recommendations:
Curiouser and Curiouser by Amelie Grey – crossover w/Alice in Wonderland and intriguing so far. I've liked several of her fics so far. Check her out.
Starry Eyed Inside by Rochelle Allison – cute as hell high school fic.
Let's Get Physical by Lalina
We Come to Life Beneath the Stars by Lillybellis
Distractions by windchymes

I'd love to hear your thoughts.