Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all recognizable characters, plots, etc. Only original content, characters, etc. belongs to author. No copyright infringement intended. Any errors contained herein, are expressly the fault of the authors idiocy, and not her beta.
Word Count: 10,037
A/N: I apologize in advance for the length of this note. Thank you's at the top, but important info in the latter half.
I can't express enough my appreciation to V for betaing, and Char for helping me get it right an keeping me on track, but I will never stop trying.
Sorry for the lateness. My new job and RL are just kicking my ass right now, so I get little to no time to write. I didn't manage to reply to reviews last time around, but I assumed you'd rather have me writing. Please know that I read every single one, and they really kept me motivated when I just wanted to say fuck it. I cannot thank you all enough.
Enjoy.
Chapter 9—Goodbye to You
…I've been searchin' deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearin' are starting to get old
It feels like I'm startin' all over again…
…I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closin' my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right, ahh…
…Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto…
…And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
Michelle Branch
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~∞Ѿ∞~
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I skipped through the front door of the Cullens', announcing, "I'm back! Sorry I'm late. Let me jump in the shower real quick, and I'll be right down to help with dinner."
"Okay, dear! Take your time," Esme called from the kitchen as I pranced up the stairs feeling lighter than I had in days. I hopped in the shower, pondering my newfound levity.
My hair wrapped in a towel and another secured around my body, I stepped into my room, humming to myself as I walked straight to the bureau opposite the foot of my bed to grab the clothes I'd packed specifically for dinner; I wanted to look good, but not like I was trying—effortlessly hot. Turning to head back to the bathroom, my eyes flicked to the mirror above the bureau…and I screamed. Holy fuck!
I tossed my clothes towards the bed, hoping to thwart any planned attack and buy myself a little time, and then ran for the door. It wasn't until after I had yanked the door open and prepared to run down the hallway that I heard the laughter of my uninvited guests and finally processed just who the fuck was in my room…and the fact that my towel had fallen at some point during my brief but panicked flight.
And, my run of luck continuing, at that exact moment, Emmett strode down the hall, passing my room. "Hey, B-dizzle, is Rosie with—you aren't wearing any clothes. Huh? Whaddya know…the blush does go all the way down. Anyway, nice rack and all, but you seen Rose?"
I froze and then, my face bursting into flame and thawing almost instantly, I screeched unintelligibly and slammed the door in his face. Collapsing back against the closed door—the cool wood doing nothing to ease the heat of degradation currently covering my body in red—I covered my bits and pieces as best as I could with splayed hands and twisted arms.
"Jesus-fucking-Christ, why me?" I moaned, because seriously, what had I done in life to deserve that kind of epic embarrassment? I was like a humiliation magnet! Eh, at least I had that going for me.
One arm still wrapped around my chest while the hand of the other attempted to cover my sex, I edged my way over to where my towel lay on the floor and picked it up. When it was secured around me once again, I gathered my clothes and skulked back to the cavernous bathroom, pointing at the two hyenas rolling around on my bed as I went and growling, "I hate you both. I hope you die in a fire. Bitches."
They only laughed harder.
I slammed the door behind me and splashed some water on my face to cool my cheeks, not emerging again until I was fully dressed. Rose and Alice had managed to compose themselves, and were sitting on the bed chatting amiably when I stepped back into the room. Idiot that I was, I assumed this meant they were going to let the incident go, but of course they didn't. They never could waste an opportunity to chuckle at my expense. Yuck it up, motherfuckers. Why in the hell was I friends with them, again?
"Nice striptease, babe," Rose remarked offhandedly, examining her cuticles. "Em gave you a nine point five. Said he would have scored you higher, but I was here."
And why hadn't I learned by now to lock the door when I showered?
"Mmmph," I grunted in derision. "What do you two creepers want?"
"We thought we'd come see if you needed any help getting ready, but you clearly have it under control," Ali stated, eyeing my sweater and jeans combo.
"Yup, under control," I agreed, and then my mouth overrode my ass, confessing, "I, um…invited Jake to come."
"Ugh! Why did I agree to come to this shindig?" Rose questioned. "I already didn't want to spend more time with Doucheward and Doctor Sunshine—I had just about enough of them over Christmas and New Year's—but now, on top of it, I have to deal with the mutt, too? You're lucky I love you, Bella. If it was for anyone else, I'd bail."
"You're such a martyr, Rose," I intoned, only half-listening.
"Rosalie!" Alice scolded. "What did I say about being such a bitch?"
"Wait, she spent Christmas here?" I demanded thoughtlessly, her words having just registered. Not having had intended to say it aloud, I squirmed under the scrutiny as blonde and black both snapped my direction.
I rapidly backpedaled, feigning disinterest. "Not that I care, just surprised, I guess. No one other than Jasper, Rose or me has ever spent Christmas here, that's all." I grabbed my make-up and curling iron out of my bag on the bureau. "I couldn't care less," I reiterated with a shrug of my shoulders as I headed back to the bath-cave to finish getting ready, leaving the door open this time in order to chat.
Alice and Rose were whispering furiously back and forth, but couldn't make out what they were saying, which was just fine with me. I needed a moment to get my shit together before I could face them. Outwardly, I was all casual indifference—at least, I hoped I was—but inwardly, I was freaking out. I couldn't believe that no one had told me that Edward's new…hell, his only girlfriend—ever—had spent Christmas with them. It's possible it was none of my business, but I still felt betrayed, and also incredibly angry. Realizing that I needed my blow dryer, I gritted my teeth and walked back into my room.
"Okay, okay, okay! Shutting up." Rose raised her hands in surrender. "I think I'll go see what that boy of mine wanted. Bella's boobs and Brazilian distracted him, and he completely forgot why he wanted me. You're lookin' pretty hot with the clothes on, too. You know what they say, looking good is the best revenge, but reminding them how desirable you are? Priceless." Her eyes dropped, briefly settling somewhere around my collarbone before lifting back to mine.
With a wink, she walked out of the room, calling over her shoulder, "See you downstairs, ladies." The door closed behind with a resounding click.
I wasn't…
Not at all liking, nor fully understanding, her insinuations—what the fuck had been up with her dropped eyes and smirk?—I turned to Alice.
"I'm not…" I began, staring at her with exasperation.
"Hey – Rose said it, not me. I'm gonna go help Mom set the table…or something while you finish getting ready."
"Do I really look like I'm trying too hard? I mean, it's just a sweater and jeans. It's…casual." Casual as the ensemble might have been, I knew it was flattering. Like I said, I was going for casually hot.
The dark, straight-leg jeans made my ass look phenomenal and my legs much longer than they actually were. I'd paired them with a fitted-but-not-clingy, three-quarter-length-sleeved sweater in black. It had an asymmetrical neckline that hugged my neck tightly, the fabric just licking up the column on one side, and then slashing down at a sharp angle toward the opposite shoulder, exposing the whole of that side of my neck and the curve as it sloped into my shoulder, yet only revealing a hint of the actual joint.
"No, you look really good, but…" she smirked, "unless you want to set off the boys' big brother instincts, and have the three of them kick Jake's ass, you might want to do something about your new, um—" she tapped the side of her neck, slightly to the front of it while looking at mine.
"What?" I asked in confusion, to which Alice replied with a twirl of her fingers, looking at the bureau mirror behind me.
I turned and peered at my neck, groaning almost instantly at the dark, bruised mark peeking out of the high side of my sweater. How in the hell had I missed…? The towel. When I'd wrapped my hair up on top of my head, the ends of it had come loose, flopping down to cover my neck and shoulder. Fuck. Fucking Jake!
Facing Alice again, eyebrows raised and about to panic, I asked, "Makeup?"
"Mmmm," she hummed, and then shook her head. "Black cashmere? No, makeup would just rub off on it, making it even more obvious. Just adjust the front of your sweater to cover it, and be careful not to tug it down. "
"Thanks," I said, turning back to the mirror and adjusting the neck of my sweater.
"Welcome."
"So, his girlfriend," I nearly choked on the word, "spent Christmas with fam'? That's a first. Must be pretty serious, huh?" I refused to make eye contact with her, not if I was going to keep up my façade of nonchalance, and busied myself with my sweater. With the way Alice was eyeballing me, however, I wasn't fooling her.
"I don't know how serious they are," she hedged. "It was kind of my idea, to be honest. It's just that she doesn't really know many people here. She's from California, which is where she did her undergrad, and since she moved here, she hasn't taken time to meet many people, focusing on med school instead. I felt horrible for her—no one should be alone for the holidays—so I invited her."
"Mmmm. That was nice of you." I didn't necessarily like it, but it really was kind of her. That's Alice for ya, always bringing home strays. I should know. "So, do you guys hang out much other than at family functions?" I questioned, wrinkling my nose because I didn't like the how it sounded, as if she were one of the family. Interloper. Way to play it smooth, Bella.
"Not so much one-on-one, but she's invited whenever Edward is; I spent a fair bit of time with them when Rose and I weren't talking. For a long time after you left, Edward wasn't really around—he kind of went into hiding, avoiding us like the plague—but after Thanksgiving, he started making a real effort to participate in life. He really had me worried, and I haven't wanted to him to go back into hiding, so I've tried to be supportive." She paused, as if she were carefully choosing her next words.
"I know it has to be awkward for you. I want you to know, though, that I'm not best friends with her or anything, but we do get along; she's nice, actually. And I haven't kept her a secret from you, I've mentioned her to you a few times—Charlotte?" I 'hmmed' in acknowledgment, wanting her to go on, while I flipped through remembered snippets of previous conversations, trying to recall hearing her mentioned. "I just thought you should know."
I nodded, trying to process everything as Alice looked at her watch. "Okay. Well, I'm out. We can talk more later on, if you want. I'll see you downstairs." She headed out, hesitating with her hand on the doorknob, she turned slightly, saying softly, "It's nice to have you home; things weren't the same without you. I'm happy you're staying with me."
"Thanks, Ali. I'm happy to be home, too." I think, I added to myself.
.
~∞Ѿ∞~
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Dinner was nearly ready, Jake had arrived with a bottle of wine about ten minutes earlier, but Edward and his guest…his girlfriend, say it, Bella…had yet to arrive, and I was so on edge, anxiously anticipating their arrival, that I couldn't quite focus on the conversation taking place around me. Gathered in the sitting room, Jasper and Emmett were getting to know Jake while Rose and Alice chattered on about something or other. Like a marble statue, perched on the edge of my chair barely breathing, I was completely oblivious to it all, all of my attention focused outside of the house—ears straining for the crunch of gravel, and eyes attempting to see through the wall between the front door and me. When Esme came in, calling us to the table, I was only vaguely aware of it.
"Your brother's not here yet, but I don't want to hold dinner up on his account. There's no telling when he'll be here if he was called in to the hospital, so why don't you all come to the dining room and we'll get started!" Esme announced with a happy clap of her hands.
Not ready to sit yet, I excused myself to the washroom while everyone else began to meander to the dining room. I just needed a minute to compose myself, still warring with the disappointment and relief that I'd felt upon arriving earlier that morning. Locking myself inside the downstairs bathroom, nestled between the stairs to the basement and the ones for upstairs, I splashed my face with water. Several deep breaths later, I patted my face and hands dry before stepping into the hall…
"Edward?" I gasped.
…and straight into the chest of the very man whose presence—or lack thereof—had sent me there in the first place. Every bit of composer I'd gained, fled. I was unprepared for that, for him—so unexpectedly like that.
…there is this place inside where all the good things die…
"Isabella," he grimaced, as if saying my name caused him physical pain.
…I hate the way I am around you, I'm so nervous and weird…
"How've you been?" I inquired, cringing over both the banality of my question and the nervous pitch of my voice.
"Bella, are you planning on joining us for dinner any time soon?" Jake's angry sounding voice called from the other end of the hall, adding to the already tense vibe.
…sometimes I feel like I'm breathing underwater…
No longer trapped by his gaze, I was suddenly aware of the fact that Edward's hands were still gripping my upper arms from when he'd grabbed me, steadying me after running into him. I stared at where we connected, my eyes darting back and forth between his hands, the heat of which I could feel through my sweater, burning into my skin.
"Bella?" Jake called again, annoyance creeping in to his voice. "Are you coming?"
I turned my head toward him, his scowling expression making me feel guilty although I'd done nothing wrong. He didn't know that the thought of dragging Edward into the bathroom to have my way with him had briefly flittered through my mind. Blame Shorty, not me.
"Yeah," I answered. "Coming."
The sound of my voice must have snapped him out of whatever daze he was in, because Edward promptly pushed me away from him, our bodies having been so close they were almost touching, and released me so abruptly that tears sprang up in my eyes. Stupid, stupid girl!
"Sorry," he muttered, dragging one hand through his hair.
"No, I'm sorry," I countered, hoping the bitterness would mask the pain in my voice. I didn't want him knowing how he affected me still, but I knew hopes would be in vain, as usual. Tilting his head sharply, he peered at me with shrewd eyes, but I didn't give him the chance to speak. I stepped around him and rushed down the hall.
As soon as I was within arms' distance of Jake, he reached out, gripping my arm almost painfully, before dragging me through the doorway of the den. I glanced over my shoulder at Edward to see him staring at Jake's hand on me, his own hands clenched tightly. He looked as if he were about to follow us, but I frantically shook my head at him—I had no doubt that it would come to blows if he did—and with reluctance, he did as I asked, unclenching his hands and staring after me helplessly. My heart clenched, against my will, and I felt confused—all topsy-turvy, upside-down and turned around.
I gave myself a brief, but very stern talking-to, telling myself it was all an act, that the look in his eyes when he first saw me—the one that looked so much like longing—was nothing more than me projecting, that I was imagining what I wanted to see. After all, Edward had given me up years ago when he'd decided to fuck Tanya behind my back, and he'd moved on—he had a girlfriend now—and so had I. Reminded of Jake, I turned my attention back to him; he was already in the middle of speaking to me.
"…the fuck was that, Bella? He's here for two seconds before he has his hands on you and you're already falling all over him! I'd hate to think what would have happened had I not come looking for you."
Excuse me?
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"Actually, I was hoping I hadn't." I jerked my arm away from him, beyond enraged. If he thought I was going to just stand there and take that from him, he had another thing coming. "You need to get control of yourself, and check your jealousy at the door. Now. Before you do or say something that you'll regret. There was nothing going on between Edward and me.
"Not that I owe you an explanation, but I ran into him when I was coming out of the bathroom. And he was touching me to keep me from falling, that's all. So, whatever you imagined was happening was just that—you imagining things. I'm going to go enjoy my welcome home dinner now. You're welcome to come, or you can just leave and I'll see you tomorrow—it's up to you—but if you decide to stay, you'd better lose the attitude."
I turned to leave the den, but paused in the doorway and looked over my shoulder. "Oh, and if you ever grab me like that again…my father owns guns and he's the police chief. He may like you an awful lot, but he loves me." And with that, I walked out, never looking back— not to see if Jake was following, and most definitely not to see if Edward was still in the hall.
I had told myself that seeing him again would be nothing—it had been nearly a year since I'd seen him, after all—because he was nothing to me now. Nothing. Keep telling yourself that, Gertrude.
…you treat me like I am on fire, like I'm something to eat…
Upon seeing his face though…I'd known myself to be a liar. Liar, liar, pants on fire. All of the feelings I thought I'd put to rest the past November had come flooding back, and they couldn't have come at a worse time. Walking into the dining room to take my seat at the table, I schooled my face to impassivity—I could ruminate on my startling revelation later—and took in the faces of the people I loved, happy smiles upon them over having me home. Jacob took his seat between Alice and me, and a moment later, Edward took his…directly across from me.
Although everyone's eyes were on me, the only ones that mattered were his—hot on my skin and causing a rush of desire to surge through me that was still so strong after all this time it stole my breath away. I carefully avoided looking at him, attempting to hide behind casual conversation with anyone else at the table, but I was talking too much, too fast, and my voice was too high.
How? Howhowhow! How was it possible that he continued to have that kind of effect on me? The tingling, electric pulse just from being in his vicinity—that I had never felt with anyone else—was distracting, and that was putting it mildly. Jake's presence at my side, rather than being the comfort I'd hoped it would be, was like a lead blanket, heavy and numbing, and blocking anything from getting through to that side of my body. It irrationally angered me but, even though I knew it was wrong for me to feel that way—I had moved on; I was with Jake now, and Edward was seeing someone, too. Speaking of which, where was she?—I couldn't help it.
I'd told myself over and over that I could do it—see Edward again and be okay—but I knew that there was no way I could have faced him and her alone. Whether he knew I, too, had moved on, I wasn't sure, but when Alice had told me about him having done so and that she was coming with him, I had nearly panicked and invited Jake to dinner that night; I hadn't wanted to look like the pathetic singleton. I hadn't done so then, but I'd grown tired of fighting with him constantly over something that wasn't even an issue and, after enduring yet another one of his fits over Edward, I'd felt compelled to extend an olive branch.
There was the added benefit of killing two birds with one stone: making certain that Edward knew, in no uncertain terms, that I'd moved on as well, and placating Jake by showing him that Edward didn't want me. Had I known Edward would be alone, however, I would have never asked Jake to accompany me. Jake or no Jake, dinner still would have been awkward and uncomfortable, but there was a buzzing sort of coiled tension coming from him that, judging from the stilted conversation and overly mannered behavior of the normally convivial Cullen clan, was hampering the celebration.
No one knew what to say to him, and his sharp, monosyllabic answers weren't helping to encourage conversation. His behavior was just the icing on the cake, angry as I already was with him over his earlier accusations and unnecessary roughness, as well as his general attitude since his return to Washington; we were going to have to have serious words tomorrow because I wasn't going to tolerate much more of it.
Gone was the fun-loving, considerate guy I'd met in New York, he'd become this entirely different person, and I wasn't so sure I liked him. He seemed so…combative since he'd arrived, and while I could understand his dislike of Edward, he was taking it too far. I mean, he couldn't even be civil to Carlisle and Esme, and Carlisle was the doctor who'd saved his father's life, not to mention his distrust in me was completely…well, that was probably justified.
I didn't exactly have the best track record when it came to Edward. I mean, come on! On our first date—for all intents and purposes, the first time we met (playing together as toddlers notwithstanding, since I didn't remember)—I fucked Edward in the bathroom of the bar we'd stopped at for drinks! Still, I was frustrated with Jake's behavior, and simultaneously choking and burning under the combined scrutiny of him and Edward—in that order. I was almost relieved when Edward's…swallowing down the lump in my throat…girlfriend showed up shortly after we began to eat. Almost.
The doorbell rang, and looks were exchanged all around, as if to say, 'who could it be.' Esme placed her napkin down on the table beside her plate, her brow creased as she answered the unspoken question hovering in the air, stating, "We weren't expecting anyone…that I know of."
We all hummed our agreement as she started to rise, but Edward beat her to it, jumping up and calling out, "I'll get it! No reason for you to get up, Mom."
He was obviously eager to escape the tension—and I was admittedly jealous, wanting to do the same. Lucky bastard. Situated as it was, the dining room afforded all the diners a clear view of the entryway, and we all watched expectantly, eager to see who was at the door. I looked away for a moment, only to have my head snap back instantly as if on a spring upon hearing Edward ask in a disbelieving, shocked tone, "Charlotte? What are you doing here?"
"That's not happiness to see me, love," she returned, flippantly. Bitch, that's my line.
My eyes made it back to the entryway just in time to see a blonde girl, er, woman…whatever...wrap her arms around Edward, pulling him down to her for a kiss. Even from where I sat at the dinner table I could see the rigidity of his body, but it didn't keep me from wondering if Edward knew all along that she would be showing up, and that was why he had been so adamant about getting the door.
Maybe I was seeing things that weren't really there, but either way, I wished I hadn't looked. I had more than my fair share of memories of Edward sucking face with blondes…and redheads, and brunettes, etc….in front of me, and I felt a pang, their lips pressing together stirring up memories of my last day in Forks before I fled to New York.
"I'm not too late, am I? My surgery didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would," she said loud enough for us to hear her in the dining room. I didn't want to look any longer, but I couldn't tear my eyes away, watching in morbid fascination as she stepped around him, lacing her fingers with his and leading him toward the dining room.
…you make me hate what I see when I see me…
I'd always known that I wasn't enough for Edward. I mean, it had never made sense—him wanting me—and now I knew why. I had been nothing more than a distraction, a placeholder, a passing fancy that he'd been bound to grow bored with eventually. Surveying the girl who had replaced me in Edward's life—the girl who had surpassed me and been given more of him than I ever had—I felt inferior in every way possible. It suddenly occurred to me that my name was a cruel joke, the moniker cursing me with the pre-destiny of never living up to it. Beautiful swan, my ass!
…you make me feel like a whore…
At best, I was cute, but she…she was gorgeous—stunning actually. Blonde, tall, curvy yet trim figure, and great tits—although, I had my doubts that they were real…you know they're real, you jealous whore. She was the antithesis of me, and exactly the type of girl Edward had always seemed to prefer. On top of it all, she was smart…hello, med school…shared Edward's interests and, I didn't know her current financial status, but if she didn't already hold her own against Edward financially (and from her clothes it was clear she did), she would once she became a full-fledged doctor.
At least I no longer had to wonder what she had that I didn't: everything…literally, and in more ways than one. She had the boy that I loved…why lie to myself, I still loved him…the friends that used to be mine, the family that should have been mine, and the life that could have been mine. Don't blame her; you're the one who ran away. The thought that it was bound to happen whether I'd run away to New York or not was hardly comforting, but it was something to cling to and I desperately needed something to keep me from drowning in the deep pool of pity I was wallowing in.
Jake reached under the table, gently squeezing my thigh, and then letting it softly rest there. I didn't know what prompted the gesture—comfort, wanting my attention, whatever—but I was grateful for it. It proved to be just the impetus I needed to drag my eyes away from her—from Charlotte. I focused instead on the tines of my fork scraping across my plate as I pushed my food around, wondering if I was being too hard on Jake, and knowing—but loathe to admit—that I'd been sub-consciously causing many of the problems between us. Feeling guilty, I laced our fingers together and squeezed his hand at the same time that I shifted in my seat, bumping our shoulders together.
Still staring at my plate, I heard, rather than saw, Esme stand. My eyes flitted to her, noting as they did that nearly everyone at the table was doing exactly as what I'd just been—playing with their food. The only ones looking away from their plates were Jake and Rose; they were raptly watching whatever was playing out at the end of the table, mere feet to my right. Edward still hadn't returned to his seat, he remained standing at the foot of the table with Char…still clutching his hand. Or so I assumed she still was, because I refused to look.
I wasn't certain what she had been told about me or how Edward has explained our relationship—was I merely a friend of his sister's, a family acquaintance, an honorary family member?—but her eyes roaming over me made my skin crawl. It felt as if she was trying to see what the fuss was all about, but kept coming up short.
Esme cleared her throat delicately—pulling Charlotte's attention away from me, thank fuck…stare much? I don't know, childish much, Bella?—and then spoke, declaring, "Charlotte, what a surprise! We weren't expecting you. Edward said you were called into the hospital for a surgery."
Rosalie mumbled something unintelligible and then, with a loud thud as her knee hit the underside of the table, she jerked upright, glaring across the table at Alice. It was obvious that Alice was keeping her in check, because Rose kept her mouth shut. Of course, that could have had something to do with Esme who glanced sharply down at her, a scowl briefly replacing her polite but indifferent smile. By the time she looked back to Charlotte, seconds later, her face was once again a mask of pleasantness.
"Oh, well, um…" Charlotte started haltingly, "the surgery was less complicated than expected, so it didn't take nearly as much time as the attending had estimated. I didn't want you to think I was blowing you off after saying I would be here, so I came as soon as I finished. I hope I'm not too late?" Her voice was all delicate and feminine, full of questioning hope.
I decided I hated her voice. It gave the impression that she lacked a backbone, which wasn't something Edward had ever found attractive. I couldn't see it lasting. He'd end up running roughshod over her one too many times, and one of them would end it. The Edward I knew could never be with someone long-term who couldn't hold her own against him; he needed to be told 'no' every now and then. Then again, what did I know? Maybe he liked his women all docile and submissive now a days. He never used to, though.
Esme replied in a somewhat strained voice, "Not at all. We just started. Let me set you a place at the table. Edward, be a dear and take her coat please."
Edward mumbled his acquiescence and Esme disappeared into the kitchen. Hearing the rustle of fabric as Dr. Girlfriend slipped her coat off, followed by Edward's footsteps on the marble floor as he took it to the hall closet, my eyes shifted back down to my plate. As I focused on mapping the route of the A Train—express, not local—a pale, long-fingered hand was thrust into my face. It floated above my plate, obscuring my cartography and making me completely miss the sharp right after 8th Avenue. Oh, well…I was getting off at the next stop anyway.
Confused—not quite able to process what it was hovering just below my nose or why it was there—I looked up sharply, and was somewhat taken aback to find Charlotte gazing down at me, a forced smile on her face pretty, rose-petal-complexioned face. My eyes bounced repeatedly between her hand and her face. Distracted and still trying to ascertain what she wanted, everything in my head was scrambled. When I finally had a moment of lucidity—the fleeting thought that she looked like a porcelain doll or something, too fragile to be touched—it was completely worthless.
Having convinced my head to quit ping-ponging back and forth, my eyes settled on her hand, which would have been the end of my dumb-show had I not continued to stare at it as if I'd never seen one before. After an awkward beat, during which I finally recognized the gesture she was making, I hesitantly placed just the tips of my fingers into her outstretched palms, barely returning her shake, and then quickly withdrew my hand, mumbling, "Hi?"
She smiled again, less forced this time, but thankfully with no triumph. "I'm Charlotte, Edward's girlfriend, and you must be Isabella." Was it just me, or did she emphasize that she was his girlfriend a bit much?
"Bella," both Edward and Jake corrected at the same time.
Rosalie snorted loudly, and then demanded shrilly of—I assumed—a glaring Alice, "What? I didn't say a word!" . . . "Whatever."
Crossing her legs, Rose made a big show of looking away from the soap-opera side of the room, but after just a few seconds, her attention drifted back.
Awk-ward.
I should have replied, said 'hi' at least, but I didn't dare say a word. Knowing the horrible knack my already unreliable filter had of completely disappearing in moments of stress or discomfort, I was unsure of what would come out of my mouth if I did. I was feeling outclassed enough as it was, I didn't need to add further embarrassment on top of it.
"Oh, sorry. Bella, then," she amended, but I wasn't fooled. Oh, that's how you're going to play it? Bitch knew damn well I went by Bella… "It's nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you." …especially if she'd heard 'so much' about me.
I had a million sarcastic comments and snarky replies on the tip of my tongue, but not a one of them could be deemed appropriate, so I bit my tongue. In lieu of a verbal response, I smiled tightly in her general direction. Rose rolled her eyes, and I pretended that she was acting as my proxy rather than just being her usual bitchy self. That was going to have to suffice. Jacob, bless him…I was starting to completely forget about what a dick he'd been for the past month and a half…rose part way from his seat, hand extended to introduce himself. "I'm Jacob, Bell's boyfriend."
"Oh, I didn't know Bella was seeing someone!" Charlotte declared as if it were the greatest news on earth…, which, to her, it may have been. Well, maybe she'd put her claws away now. "We should go out together sometime—you and Bella, and me and Edward. It would be fun." Guess not.
I choked on my own spit, and Jake turned to me in alarm, patting me on the back and asking, "You okay, babe?"
Nodding, I reached for my wine and slammed it back, nearly choking on it, too, when Jake turned back to Charlotte, intending to reply. Thank the gods of impeccable timing, just then Esme re-entered the dining room, preventing Jake from answering Edward's Miss Right.
"Okay, Charlotte—we'll put you here next to Edward," Esme announced, quickly setting her place at the table. "There we go. Have a seat and dish up before it gets too cold."
Charlotte and Edward waited for Esme to step out from beside the table, heading back to her seat at the opposite corner of the table, before taking their seats. Edward caught my eye as he sat and, for just a split second, all the years, the distance and the hurt between us fell away and he was my Edward again, the one who had been my friend. The one who had spent a week in Florida getting hit on by my pregnant mother just so I wouldn't have to face her alone. The one who had beaten the shit out of that perv-bag Newton because he wouldn't quit fucking with me. The one who, during my first semester of college, had gone to the bookstore and purchased all of my books for me because I was sick with the flu.
But the moment was fleeting as a wild creature, disappearing almost as soon as it was seen, the sweet earnestness on his face, in his eyes, was replaced by a deep sadness that I easily recognized, because I saw it in my own eyes nearly every time I looked into a mirror. Holding my eye a second more, he mouthed 'sorry' to me, and then scooted in his chair. I wasn't certain what he was apologizing for—at this point the list was endless—but the gesture brought tears to my eyes regardless. Esme, passing behind me just then, reached out and squeezed my shoulder affectionately, nearly breaking me.
Under the pretense of looking at his mother, Edward really watched me. But all too soon, Esme's hand slipped over the point of my shoulder, dragging around my upper arm and along my back, as she continued on to her seat, and Edward was forced to drop his gaze. He took his time about it, though, moving from my face down the expanse of my neck to met my shoulder, and then along the ridge of my collarbone. Suddenly stopping, his eyes snapped back to the crook of my neck like a resetting typewriter, and then he froze.
I suffered a moment of confusion, but as his eyes lingered, I remembered—oh, fuck!—and my hand flew up to cover it, but it was too little, too late; my sweater had somehow shifted just enough to reveal what it was supposed to conceal. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out how it could have moved—I was so careful to not pull or tug on it—and then, as I felt the ghost of a tug, the subtlest of shifts, and I realized it had happened when Esme touched me in passing. I knew I should have worn something different. While I was making my revelation, Edward was making a few of his own.
He darted narrowed eyes back and forth between Jake and the spot where his love bite—covered by my sweater once again—was, and I could virtually see the anger swell and bubble within him. His expression darkened almost imperceptibly, and I knew he was seconds away from imploding, the force of his rage black hole-like, would suck us all into its depths, but he clenched his jaw and managed to somehow rein it in. Breathing a sigh of relief, I glanced around casually, discovering happily that our interaction appeared to have gone unnoticed…along with the fact that they had almost died.
…you used to run me away, all while laughing, then cry about that fact 'til I returned…
I felt like I had split personalities—one of them was still (and probably always would be) desperately in love with Edward, while the other wanted to laugh as she watched him suffer—and there was a war suddenly taking place between the two of them. At the moment, they were evenly matched—the pathetic, still-in-love me was embarrassed and chagrined, but the vindictive me was eating up the pain on Edward's face, loving that he was getting a taste of his own medicine. The battle shifted, Vindictive pulling ahead as it sank in and Edward's eyes filled with despair; he finally understood what I had felt every time I'd caught him with another girl.
…I'd send the pain below…
His expression hardened again, his eyes snapping back to mine to give me an angry, heated look that was too much. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, and both halves of me were losing. Why did hurting him hurt me so much? Had he felt this way all the times he hurt me? I was dizzy, I was drowning; I needed to get away.
…much like suffocating…
"I'm gonna get some more wine," I announced, popping out of my chair. "Anybody else want some?" It was a rhetorical question as I was already halfway to the kitchen and not really listening anyway.
"I wouldn't mind a small glass," Charlotte said. I ignored her.
Pouring myself a generous glass and then, seeing as how there wasn't that much left, shrugging my shoulders, I brought the bottle up to my lips and slammed it back, totally forgetting that I was within view of one-third of the dining room table. Eh, Edward and Dr. Passive-Aggressive-Territory-Marker couldn't see, so who the fuck cared. Ignoring the amused and concerned looks—in that order—of Rose and Jasper, I carefully returned to my seat with my wine.
Just as I sat down, Charlotte asked, eyes all big as she took in the nearly overflowing glass of wine still in my hand, "Did you get me a glass?"
I took a deep gulp of it, and then, looking her straight in the eyes, unapologetically replied, "Oh sorry…we ran out."
.
~∞Ѿ∞~
.
The remainder of dinner passed relatively uneventfully and with minimal conversation. Carlisle asked after Billy, telling Jake to call him if he needed anything or had any questions, and he and Esme inquired about my upcoming interviews and school. Charlotte wisely kept her mouth shut.
Once dinner had been finished and the plates cleared away, Esme sent us all to the library for brandy while she finished dessert. Charlotte and Edward managed to get lost on the way and, while they weren't missed—well, she wasn't—I couldn't stop myself from imagining what they were doing. I decided to boycott my imagination. Imagination was overrated anyway.
Either it didn't take nearly as long for Esme to finish dessert as she thought it would, or it took forever for our dawdling asses to make it to the library, because before I knew it, Esme was calling us back to the dining room as she placed still-warm crème bruleé at each of our seats.
"Bella," Esme called, "can you find Edward and Charlotte, and let them know dessert's ready, please?"
No, I thought to myself, but replied with a smile, "Of course. Be right back."
Please don't let them be in his room. Please don't let them be in his room. Please don't let them be in his room…and please, for fuck's sake, don't let them be naked. Or groping…touching at all, actually. If it's not too much to ask, that is, I chanted with each step I took.
I checked the library, even though we had just come from there. Empty. Wandering down the hall, I checked the formal living room. Also, empty. Making my way around the corner and past the stairs, I approached the doorway to the den where I was brought up short by voices coming from inside. They were the lowered, hissing voices of two people who were trying to have a private argument in a house full of people. I should have immediately announced my presence, but I didn't; I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
"Charlotte, why did you even bother coming? You knew you had to turn around and go straight back to Seattle after dinner?"
"I told your mother I would be here! I wasn't going to be rude and just not show up, especially since this is the only thing that your mother has ever personally invited me to…and I wanted to spend time with you."
Esme invi…? No.
"Bullshit. Esme would have understood. When you finally make it home, you'll have driven eight hours, and for what? A dinner that you missed half of, and thirty minutes of stilted conversation?"
"Whatever, Edward. Why are you acting like this?"
"Like what, Char?"
"Like you don't even want me here! You've been acting like this since you found out about the party. You're mother wouldn't have had Alice call me about the party if she didn't want me here, so I don't understand why you're so mad that I came. Is this about her? You're not still hung-up on her, are you?
"She's clearly moved on, Edward, and in case you forgot, so have you. Or did you not want me to meet her? Were you going to try and keep me a secret—try turning me into your whore like you did with her?"
Oh! He-lllllll no…
"Bella, her name is Bella, and she was never my whore. Don't fucking talk about shit that you know nothing about. This isn't about Bella; it's about the fact that it should have just been family here!" he snarled at her.
Never had I heard Edward speak with such vitriol; he wasn't addressing me, but the seething, barely-controlled rage in his voice caused even me to blanch. Still, I couldn't control the malicious smirk that came to my face when she continued pushing him. She didn't know him at all if she couldn't see that he had just about reached the end of his rope…and he wouldn't be the one hanging from it.
"We're together now, Edward, I am family."
"We're not married, Char. You aren't family." Oooh! Ouch!
"Jasper and Rose aren't married to Alice and Emmett, but they're considered family."
"We all grew up together, Char. They practically lived here when we were kids."
"Well, excuse me for not growing up in Forks! When are you going to stop holding me at arm's length? Your family, your real family, has obviously accepted me—I mean, your mother did invite me, after all—but you…you're always so hot and cold. Whenever we're around your family, you're cold and distant, but when it's just the two of us—" it sounded as if she shuffled closer to him and then, in a sex-kitten voice, she continued, "—when we're naked and in bed together, you're sweet and attentive…I just don't get it."
I wanted to retch, I didn't want to know that he was fucking her, didn't want to have to hear it from her lips in that simpering tone she was using, but that's the problem with eavesdropping. You usually hear things you'd rather not. Although I didn't really want any more details about their sex life, morbid curiosity prevented me from moving. Waiting for Edward's response, I held my too-loud breath and peeled my ears. My heart pounding in my chest, he took a deep breath, and…Jake called me from the end of the hall.
"Bella, babe—what's taking so long? Dessert's gettin' cold, and I've got to get back to my dad soon."
Way to ruin things once again—babe.
"Um, I had to run upstairs for…something, but I actually just found them, so we'll be right there," I stammered, my face flaming. I really was a shitty liar. Exposed, I stepped into the doorway of the den, and with forced brightness declared, "Hey, there you guys are! Finally found ya! Esme wanted me to let you know dessert was ready. I'll just go let her know you're comi…" I choked, "er, on your way."
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I spun on my heel and all but ran down the hallway to the dining room. I knew I looked guilty as fuck, but I didn't think Charlotte noticed…and if she did, fuck her. Edward on the other hand…well, there was no hope that I'd fooled him; he knew me too well for that. I fell into my seat at the table, announcing much too loudly, "They're on their way. They were in the den. I found them there when I came back down from upstairs, like…a minute ago."
My strange behavior garnered some odd looks, but Edward and Charlotte arrived before anyone could comment. Edward quickly took his seat while Charlotte stood patiently at the end of the table, waiting until everyone quieted down before speaking. "Hey, Es?" Es? What were they, best friends suddenly? Get real, I thought. "As much as I'd love to, I can't stay for dessert. I have an early shift in the morning, so I have to go. Sorry to eat and run, but dinner was lovely, and thank you for inviting me."
Esme stared at her blankly before replying. "Oh, okay. Shame you couldn't stay longer. You needn't have come all this way when you just had to rush back. So much needless driving," she clucked. "Well, thanks for coming. Do drive safely on your way back home."
I knew that tone, she only used it when forced to make small talk with someone she'd rather not speak to, and I barely kept from laughing. I loved Esme. Still, sitting there seeing the discomfort play across Charlotte's face upon Esme's clear dismissal, I couldn't help feel the tiniest twinge of pity for her. I was starting to think that I was much too sympathetic for my own good. Of course, when I remembered the games she'd been trying to play with me since her arrival, any forming sympathy vanished. Ha, bitch! You might have Edward, but his family loves me.
"I will," she agreed, both her face and her tone crestfallen. "Thanks again for dinner. Night, everyone."
She received a smattering of goodbyes—from Carlisle, Jasper, and Alice—but the rest of us, including Edward, just grunted non-committally and continued eating our dessert. With a soft, sad sigh, she turned and made her way down the hall. One of these things is not like the other, I sang in my head, still silently gloating over the fact that she clearly didn't fit in with the family that I considered mine. I heard her stop in the hall, the hall closet open and then close as she grabbed her coat, and then…nothing. What was the hold up? Time to go now. Buh-bye.
"Edward…are-aren't you going to walk me out?" she questioned from the hall, her wavering voice breaking my resolve to not feel anything, especially sympathy for her. I knew what an inconsiderate jerk Edward Cullen could be.
"Wha…? Oh! Um—uh, yeah…coming," Edward stuttered, adding under his breath as he stood from his chair, "I guess. Wouldn't want you to get lost on your way to your car or anything."
In a sudden fit of charity, as they walked out the front door together, I called out, "It was nice to meet you, Charlotte. Drive safe."
"Uh...yeah, nice to meet you too," she returned, sounding a little confused.
The dining room was dead silent as the door shut. "She seemed nice."
And still, no one said a word. Luckily, I finished my dessert seconds later.
.
~∞Ѿ∞~
.
Edward disappeared to his room after Charlotte left. Jake left a short time after that, wanting to get back to his father. I walked him out to his car, an old beat up VW Rabbit from his high school days, and gave him a peck goodbye, conscious of the fact that people—and by people I mean Edward—could possibly see us from the house. Jake had no such compunction, and tried to turn it into something more, pinning me against the car and grinding himself against me.
"Jake!" I gasped. "Stop! Someone could see us."
"Come on, no one's looking."
"You don't know that," I countered.
"Who cares, you're an adult. Just relax, babe. Let me make you feel good," he cajoled, peppering kisses along my neck, but I was burning up with shame.
"You're right, I am an adult, but if I don't get back inside soon, someone is going to come and check on me. I don't feel like being caught making out with my boyfriend by Carlisle and Esme; it's a bit too high school."
"You didn't seem to mind the high school flashback today in my room," he whispered huskily against my ear.
"Yeah, well this afternoon I didn't feel as if you were metaphorically pissing on my leg. I'm cold, I don't have a coat on, and I'm tired; I'm going inside. I'll see you tomorrow, okay."
He pushed himself away from me and crossed his arms. "Yeah, fine…whatever. I gotta get back to my dad anyway." Oh great, he's pouting. Again. What is he, five?
I felt a sting of guilt over my dismissive attitude towards him at the mention of his father, and reminded myself that Jake had a lot on his plate and that I should probably cut him a little slack. Not wanting to add to his stress by parting on bad terms, I leaned towards him, fisting his sweater in my hands and pulling him towards me, before giving him a slow, but thorough kiss. It trailed off, and with two, final parting pecks, I stepped back, promising, "I'll see you tomorrow—bright and early, so you better be up and ready to show me around your old stomping grounds."
He grinned, his humor improved, and teased, "I don't think my old stomping grounds are going to be safe for you, Stumbelina."
"Pshaw! Bring it, buddy. I'm not that clumsy."
He snorted, accusing, "You've got two left feet and no center of gravity!"
I rolled my eyes, but chose not to comment; it was hard to refute the truth. Not that I was quite that bad, but I was admittedly slightly more-accident prone than the average person.
When I looked back at him, Jake's expression had softened, all the amusement that had been visible moments before, replaced by the love and devotion he had for me, and my heart clenched knowing that I couldn't return the depth his feelings no matter how desperately I wished I could.
"I love you, Bells." Not a declaration, as it had already been declared and professed, but a gentle reminder that shamed me. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Love you, too." And I did…in my own way.
I closed the front door quietly behind me and headed upstairs going straight to my room; it had been a long day. As much as I thought New York had been the right decision—if for no other reason than it forced me to stand on my own two feet, out of my comfort zone just as Charlie had said the day I'd left Forks—the year and a half I'd spent there hadn't been reality, hadn't been my real life. And now, having crash-landed in my life, already in progress, I needed a moment to regain my balance and try to find some kind of equanimity.
I loved my friends, and Carlisle and Esme and Charlie, and I'd missed them all, but I hadn't had a moment to myself since I'd returned. I was overwhelmed, emotionally discombobulated, and wanted nothing more than to wrap myself in quiet solitude. Reaching the sanctuary of my room, I went inside, locked the door behind me and collapsed face first on my bed in search of peace.
But there was no peace to be had.
.
~∞Ѿ∞~
.
As dawn broke over the black of night, I gave up the pretense of sleeping. Giving it up as an exercise in futility, I got dressed. At first light, I slipped out of the house, ghosting silently across the frozen tundra of the back yard until the dense forest closed in around me. The path was overgrown, as if no one had been down it in ages, but I made my way agilely. Thick fog hung thick in the air around me, at once dampening and amplifying the sounds of the forest animals. The frozen water molecules suspended in the air so swollen that I could practically see each one in front of my face as I cut through them.
I was puffing from exertion by the time I made it to the log 'bench' overlooking the creek. It wasn't as if I hadn't been physically active in New York, but making your way down an overgrown trail through the forest proved to be much more taxing than walking down a sidewalk, but the excursion left me feeling clean and refreshed, the crisp air enlivening and helping to shake off the mantle of my sleepless night. Carefully so as not to slip, I made my way to my spot on the log and plopped down on the damp, frost-speckled surface.
I stared out across the creek, letting the gentle sound of the water as it trickled downstream soothe me, and I felt myself drifting off. Despite my frozen toes and fingers, I was almost asleep when I felt him and, although I hadn't snuck out there with the intent of luring him to me—not consciously, at least—as the hair on the back of my neck stood up, a familiar current running through me, I realized that I'd been expecting him all along.
"Edward," I said softly, "what brings you out here at this hour?"
He was silent but, even though I didn't look, I knew he was there. Sure enough, after a moment, he spoke up, saying, "I—uh, couldn't sleep, and I saw you heading out here–" I finally turned and saw him standing just inside the clearing, looking down at his feet. Noticing my movement he looked up, awkwardly raising up the blanket that he held in his hands as he finished with, "–I worried you might get cold."
His uncertainty and hesitance completely disarmed me, and I found myself smiling softly at him but, still not willing to look at me, it was completely wasted on him. He shuffled his feet a few times while I looked him over, checking to find any subtle changes that would differentiate him from my Edward. His hair was a little shorter than the last time I'd seen him and he looked a little older, perhaps, but those were the only changes I could detect, his bulky clothes hiding his form from me.
I thought of the last time I had seen him, conjuring up an image to compare him to, and heat surged through my body, distracting my mind. I could distinctly remember the feel of his hands on me…of my hands on him…of the pleasure that washed over me as he used his fingers to bring me to orgasm while I stroked him, stopping just short of his completion and then throwing him out of my apartment. Blood rushed to my face and I gasped before looking away guiltily, choosing to stare back out over the water as my blood cooled and my cheeks returned to their normal color. The silence dragged on for a few moments longer, neither of us moving and barely breathing, before Edward's voice broke it.
"I'll just leave this here for you, and I'll get out of your hair then... Um, so yeah—here you are, and bye."
His uncharacteristic ineloquence made me act rashly. Hearing him turn and start to leave, I jumped up without thinking, calling out hoarse and brokenly after him, "Edward!"
He turned, looking at me hopefully, and then I heard myself saying, "Since you're here – you might as well stay. I mean, you came all this way… If you want." I added quickly.
"Yeah?" he asked, with a small smile, finally daring to hope, and I felt my own smile return and grow wider.
"Yeah—but only if you want."
"Yeah…okay," he said with a nod, bending to pick up the blanket from off the ground, and then making his way to the log and sitting down in his spot beside me.
I was vaguely aware of warning bells going off in the back of my mind, but the buzz from his nearness was too loud, drowning them out and making me forget why I shouldn't be sitting there with him like that in the first place.
.
~∞Ѿ∞~
.
Songs Used
(In Order of Appearance):
Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In), written by Mickey Newbury and, starting with Jerry Lee Lewis, performed by countless artists; I happen to like the Willie Nelson version (don't ask)
You Make Me Feel Like a Whore, Everclear
Send the Pain Below, Chevelle
Notes:
1. Keep telling yourself that, Gertrude.—Reference to the line 'The lady doth protest too much, methinks.' Said by Queen Gertrude in Act III, Scent II of Hamlet by William Shakespeare.
2. "That's not happiness to see me, love."—line from the movie A Perfect Murder.
Rec's:
We Were Here by lola-pops
Under the Same Moon by GreenEyedGirl17
For Whom the Bell Tolls by CyraBear