Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all recognizable characters, plots, etc. Only original content, characters, etc. belongs to author. No copyright infringement intended. Any errors contained herein, are expressly the fault of the authors idiocy, and not her betas.

Word Count: 6833

A/N: You'll have to forgive me for taking a bit of creative license with the location. I've been there a bunch of times, but I've never been in any condition to recall much of it, if any, and it's been a while. Google maps, as great as it is, can't bring back memories drowned in Grey Goose.

As always, thanks to my V for dotting my i's, and thanks to Redvelvetheaven for keeping this fic on track, and not being afraid to tell me, "I don't think so. Try again." Red, you're like my WD-40—whenever I get stuck, you're there to save the day.

Finally, thanks to all of you for reading. Let me know what you think. Or not. Either way, enjoy.

Chapter 13 – My List

Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?
Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
I'll take your picture when I go
It gives me strength and gives me patience
But I'll never let you know
I got nothing on you baby
But I always said I try
Let me show you how much I care
Cause sometimes it gets hard
And don't she know…
…When your heart is not able
And your prayers they're not fables…
…Let me show you how much I care oh
- The Killers

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~∞Ѿ∞~

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"Please…" I begged in a near whimper, not even slightly embarrassed at how unmanly it sounded; I no longer gave a fuck. About anything. At all. And the fact that I was with her at that moment instead of where I should be proved that. Coincidentally, that was the same reason I no longer cared. Because I was with her.

Everything about it was wrong—I shouldn't be with her because I wasn't with her—but I was so desperate for her that none of it mattered. I didn't care that I should be back at the club seeing to Charlotte—who, quite frankly, had kind of been asking for it…the comeuppance Bella gave her, not me cheating on her—or that Bella had Jake waiting for her inside. It didn't matter that she obviously still hated and wanted nothing to do with me or that my entire family would kick my ass if they knew what I was doing. The only thing that held any importance was that Bella hadn't kneed me in the balls yet and that there was still something between us.

"I hate you…" I tensed, waiting for the rejection that was surely coming but, as usual, she surprised me. "…for making me want you so much."

"I know what you mean," I concurred. I'd felt that way from nearly the moment I first saw her, so I couldn't hold it against her. She still wasn't running like she should, like I expected, so I tilted her head so I could kiss her like I wanted, quickly, before she could change her mind or think.

Just as I was about to taste her sweet lips, she leaned away, and looked me in the eyes. This is it, I thought, she's going to run. But she didn't. With conviction, she told me, "This changes nothing."

"Fine," I agreed without hesitation, and then claimed her lips before she could change her mind. She could kid herself all she wanted, but her warning meant nothing to me. This changed everything. Now, I just had to show her…and show her I would.

With a feral growl, I attacked, so desperate to reacquaint myself with as much of her as possible, to taste as much of her as possible, I was unable to be gentle; my mouth and hands were ruthless in their exploration of her. I probably should have felt badly for being so rough and forceful with her, but she matched me stroke for bruising stroke, eliminating any guilt I might have felt.

I couldn't help looking around as we kissed, my eyes sweeping over the cold, impersonal harshness of the concrete stairwell, and I was suddenly ashamed of myself. It wasn't exactly where or how I'd imagined having her again. I had told myself if she were ever in my arms again, I would do things right. I wanted to give her everything she deserved. I wanted to make love to her, worship her body for hours, not have a quick fuck in a semi-public place.

Yet, despite the wrongness of it all—or maybe in spite of it—I knew I wasn't going to stop. However, I could be gentle with her. If I couldn't give her everything else I wanted, that she deserved, I could at least give her that.

I buried my face in the crook of her neck, my happy place, and froze there. Taking several deep breaths, I willed myself to calm down, to slow down, not moving again until I had myself under control. My hands were clenched tightly in her hair, somehow having found their way back there during the frenzy. I released her hair, moving my hands to her shoulders and skimming down her arms as I trailed kisses up and down the column of her neck – not rushing, just enjoying the taste and feel of her once more. Relishing the moment, I let out a soft sigh, only to have it turn into a hiss as Bella tugged painfully at my hair and raked her teeth down my neck.

…we were spitting venom at most everyone we know, if the damned gave us a road map then we'd know just where to go…

"Easy, Bella!"

"What the fuck, Edward? We're not making love here! Stop treating me like glass and get to it so we can get back before anyone notices we're gone," she demanded angrily.

I felt a split second of confusion as I processed her words, and then anger rushed hotly through me. My body reacted to the surge of its own accord. By the time I caught up, my hands were once again fisted in her hair, and her body was firmly pressed against the concrete wall.

…my ears were pressed so firmly right against your mouth to hear…

"Is that all you want, Isabella – a quick fuck?" I flung the word at her. With a total disconnect between my brain and my mouth as I continued to speak, but I was unable to stop spitting the cruel words at her. "That young pup of yours not giving you what you need? Hmmm? Had to come to a real man to get it?"

I didn't give her a chance to answer before whispering in her ear, my lips just grazing the lobe, "I guess I should give you what you want then."

…when you tried to spit the venom out your words were not so clear…

I took her earlobe between my lips, sucking gently, and then punctuated my words with a bit of pain—a reminder that I knew what she liked—by biting down and pulling away. Dickhead-Ed, who was back in control, was delighted by the low hiss and slight shiver he was rewarded with. Thinking that he had her right where he wanted her, his smirk stole across my face, but Bella quickly wiped it off. I couldn't decide whether to be pissed off by her defiance or proud that she had a backbone; I was going to have to ponder it another day.

…hold on to what you need, we've got a knack for fucked up history…

She shoved me away, and then stalked towards me, a dangerous glint in her eyes. "That 'pup'," she shoved me again, "does more than hold his own against an old dog like you, Eddie," and again. "I'm just throwing a dog a bone." With a look of vindictive satisfaction on her face, she fisted my shirt in both hands, and gave one final push, slamming me against the wall opposite of where I'd just trapped her.

…I didn't know you kept track I didn't know there was a score…

"Figured if I let you fuck me one last time, maybe you'd go rolling home and leave me the fuck alone." Her lovely lips turned up in a devious smirk and, for just a minute, I wanted to slap it off her face, but I didn't hit girls. "Now, are you gonna fuck me or do I need to have Jake scratch my itch for me?"

Fortunately for me—and her, incidentally—I had no qualms about fucking it off her face.

I turned the tables around on her…literally and figuratively. She was right back where she started—her back against the wall, only this time, it was the opposite wall. I had one hand in her hair, and the other wrapped loosely around her throat as I stared at her, panting with my teeth bared. If my aggressive behavior fazed her at all, she didn't show it or resist me at all. Her breathing had picked up and I could feel her hummingbird pulse under my fingertips, but the smirk still hadn't left her face and her eyes were glazed with lust. It pissed me off even more.

She was goading me, trying to push me into make less of this than what it was, and I couldn't let that happen. But that smirk—my smirk—on her face taunted me, and then the tip of her tongue slipped out and traced her lips, her plump bottom lip shining even in the anemic light provided by the sole fluorescent fixture two stories above our heads. And then she sucked it into her mouth, biting it as she gazed up at me from beneath her lashes, challenging me. On anyone else it would have looked innocent, demure, but from her it was anything but. Her eyes were teasing me, Come on, Eddie. You know you want to. Fuck me! God help me, I caved.

…well, it looks like you're the winner and I ain't gonna play no more…

"Well, since I'm already here, I might as well…" I growled at her, already working the button and zipper of her jeans with the hand that had been at her throat. I didn't look at her eyes as I worked, already knowing the gloating I would find there.

In short order, I had her jeans and thong shoved over her hips and pushed halfway down her thighs, with her spun around to face the wall. If she wanted to be fucked, I would give her what she wanted. One hand remained on her hip, pulling her towards me, while the other moved to rest heavily between her shoulder blades, pushing her forward and down without warning. She gasped, barely managing to get her hands up in time to prevent her from slamming her face against wall, and the asshole inside me snarled in delight.

…it's over…

Drifting out from where he'd been banished deep within the recesses of my mind, I could faintly make out the real me telling me to stop, that I was about to fuck everything up, but I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and ignored him. I pushed on.

"Don't move," I ordered, pushing down with more pressure to reinforce it the command. When I was as certain as I could be that she would do as I said, I lifted my hand to her hair, gathering it up and wrapping it twice around my fist.

I tugged firmly, and then leaned back, just taking in the vision before me. Her hair pulled tight, causing her neck and back to arch, bare ass jutting out towards me, and her fingers splayed against the graffiti covered concrete wall of the stairwell, trembling. She was gorgeous. Exposed. Fragile, except I knew she wasn't. Not really. Deceptively delicate. Porcelain-covered steel. I had never wanted her so badly. I had to have her, had to own her strength. Right. Fucking. Now.

I released her hip and reached down. One-handed, I unbuckled my belt and yanked at my jeans, buttons popping free one by one until I was able to push them down enough to reach in and pull my dick out, hard and aching for her. My eyes dropped down to her ass—lower—to the apex of her thighs, to the puffy lips that I could just barely make out, glistening with her arousal. I wanted to see more, so I moved my leg between her thighs and kicked her feet apart as wide as the shackle of her jeans would allow, and then stroked myself…once…twice…before lining up and pressing my hips forward.

…game over…

My knees nearly buckled when I finally felt the warm wetness of my holy land. I groaned loudly; the sound was a prayer, a hymn, a blessing and a benediction that drowned out the low moan I felt vibrate through her body. Continuing forward, I slipped further between her thighs to slide teasingly along her wetness. I tugged her head back further as I bent at the waist until her back was pressed to my front and my lips could reach her neck, my breath and words her ear.

Drawing a deep, uneven breath, I prayed in earnest now—choppy, half-formed thoughts sent out to any deity that would listen, but none heard them. And then, it was like…time sped up and slowed down, all at once. Bella's soft whimper—more a pitchy exhalation—caused fire to raze me. I grabbed her hip, plunging in as I pulled her back onto me, unable to silence the loud, shuddering groan that left my lips or to still the feeling of completion that washed over me when I was fully sheathed in her.

I took her with deep, measured thrusts, muttering unknown things to her in between lazy licks of her neck and gentle nips of her ear. My need to consume and be consumed by her grew each time my hips met her ass, but Bella was too held together, too composed. That would never do. I needed her to be there with me, ragged and barely holding together, so I shifted my hips, minutely adjusting the angle, and thrust hard.

"Edddddd-waaaaard!" My name tore from her lips, a deep, guttural cry that rocked me to my core, and I lost it.

With my breaking control, time sped back up, crashing over us in a rush of pushing and pulling and meeting hips, jumbled, mumbled words and panted declarations of love—hers? Mine? I'm not quite sure. All too soon, it was done, the tempest of our passion wasting with a violent force that seemed apropos and made me understand what I hadn't all those years ago in my high school English class. These violent delights have violent ends, indeed.

…you can say what you want but don't act like you care, it takes more than one person to decide what's fair…

Our moment over, time returned to normal—neither too fast nor too slow—and our realities spread out before us, less bleakly than they had before if we were only willing to grasp at what we wanted. I was half-collapsed on top of her, my chest pressed to her back, hands framing hers against the wall, trying to prolong the moment until I had to pull away from her and waiting for my shaking knees to steady, when she shrank away and ducked out from beneath me.

…it's over…

The air, that only a moment before held all the promises of new beginnings that comes with spring, but carries just enough of winter's chill to remind us to be grateful, was positively icy now, the frost coming from my girl. Dazed, and my legs still not up to the task of supporting me, I stumbled, clutching at the wall to keep myself upright as I tried to figure out what was going on. She was already buttoning her jeans by the time I managed to focus my cloudy eyes on her, but the question forming on my lips—What…?—never had the chance to be asked.

"That was just a one-off for old times' sake, to get it out our systems…or something. It won't be happening again," she said with her back to me, her voice cold and unattached.

"I don't… I don't understand."

…think it over…

She snorted derisively. "What's not to understand, Edward? It's not like you don't have experience with this sort of thing. This used to be your modus operandi before you got together with your little Barbie doll. You got what you wanted – to stick your dick back in me –" she still wasn't facing me, but I could have sworn I saw her cringe as the crude, harsh words left her mouth, "so it's over."

…what a rotten thing to say, such an awful thing to say, I didn't mean to bite you, sorry…

Her words repeated in my ears, but no matter how I arranged them, I couldn't make any sense of them. I was about to ask her what the fuck she was talking about, when she spoke again, cutting me off with an angry ramble.

"Did it meet your expectations? Was it as good as you remembered, or did reality ruin the memories for you? Personally, I don't feel like I was cheated at all. Actually, my memories can't even compare because, although this isn't the trashiest place you've ever fucked me, I don't remember ever feeling as cheap as I do right now. Now that your little game is over, we can both go back to our regularly scheduled lives, already in progress."

She was out of control. Like a crazy woman, mirthless, bitter laughter fell from her lips, standing out starkly in the chilly, preternatural silence that pervaded the stairwell. She started to walk away, heading past me to the stairs, while I stood there, stunned and staring at the back of her head, unable to move, until finally…

…I always did what I always did what I always had to sling…

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" The words came from my lips like a burst of angry machinegun fire, startling even me, but she didn't stop.

I started after her, forgetting that my jeans weren't buttoned, my now-limp dick still hanging out. My pants were pushed down far enough to be just barely holding on, and the first step I took caused them to slip down my hips. With the second they fell to mid-thigh, sending me sprawling to the ground on my hands and knees. It was as I scrambled to my feet while simultaneously attempting to tug my jeans up and put my cock away, that Bella secured her escape.

I was determined to not let her run away from me again. This time there was no one scheming Tanya or clueless family members to keep in the dark, and I was no longer afraid; there was nothing to stop me. I started to rise and chase after her, and… Oh, fuck! Son of a bitch! Motherfucker! Ow, ow, ow! Pain burst from my right knee the moment I tried to put weight on it, stopping me in my tracks as it almost gave out on me.

She was already nearly to the door at the landing above, and I knew there was no way I was going to catch her with a fucked-up knee, so I did the only thing I could. I gave up, admitting defeat for now. You won this one, I thought, my mental-self shaking his fist in the air like some sixties spy-film villain, but you haven't seen the last of me. Or maybe I was more like the Wicked Witch of the West…I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! My thoughts would have made me chuckle if the circumstances weren't so pathetically tragic.

"This isn't over, Bella!" I shouted after her.

"It is. Go back to your girlfriend. I'm sure she's wondering where you went," she said in that same jaded monotone that I've only heard the times I've had to pick up the pieces that her mother left behind. She couldn't leave; not sounding like that.

"Bella…please, don't go...not yet…" I tried one last time.

"Goodbye, Edward," was her only reply as she opened the door on the landing above me.

…cheer up, baby, it wasn't always quite so bad…

"You have to know, Bella," she paused, waiting, "you have to know you were never just a fuck. Never!" I called out, desperate now, but being completely honest. After all, what did I have to lose?

…for every bit of venom that came out, the antidote was had…

"And what just happened between us was so much more than just me scratching an itch," I finished pointlessly, my voice fading as I heard the door slam shut up above me. The final-sounding thud and screech of metal against metal left me entombed in silence and failure.

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~∞Ѿ∞~

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I don't know how long I sat on the steps numb and lost in self-flagellation before I finally felt the vibration of my phone in my pocket, alerting me that I had messages. Pulling it out of my pocket, I looked at the time and realized that I'd been gone longer than I thought. I had a handful of messages, so I knew there was no chance that my disappearance had gone unnoticed. I got carefully to my feet and sighed, knowing I would have to go back inside. With a deep breath, I opened the messages, reading them as I hobbled reluctantly back towards the club.

Where the fuck are you? Charlotte is really upset and looking for you. I can't believe you just disappeared after what happened with her and Bella.
-Alice

Ignoring the guilt rising up like so much bile in the back of my throat upon seeing Charlotte's name in such close proximity to Bella's, I focused on my annoyance with Char's behavior. I scoffed. Like she had any reason to be upset. I mean, what the fuck had she been thinking? She had to have known how what she had been doing would make Bella feel, yet she wouldn't shut up.

Every time I had seen her throughout the night, she had been rubbing our relationship—if you could call it that when one person was so uninvolved—in her face, going on and on with her delusions of how great we were together, how sweet and caring I was. I couldn't help wondering if she was involved in the same – well, relationship, for lack of a better word, that I was.

If it wasn't for the fact that her behavior was so out of character, I would have been more pissed off than I was. She was just normally so considerate of others that it was hard to reconcile the Char I knew with the catty girl I'd seen tonight. Maybe it was the alcohol? Charlotte drank, but except for the night of Fear and Loathing and Tequila, she never drank to excess, and she was trashed tonight. Who knew? I let it go, certain I would be pondering it further later, and got back to Alice's texts.

Have you seen Bella?
-Alice

You better not be with her.
-Alice

Or have done anything to her that would cause her to leave again.
-Alice

I mean it, Edward, you better not be harassing Bella or I'm going to kick your ass, now get the fuck in here and deal with your upset girlfriend.
-Alice

It better be a coincidence that you and Bella are missing at the same time. I don't know how much longer I can keep Jake and Charlotte from noticing.
-Alice

You seriously better not be with her. I won't lie for you. I like Charlotte, and you know how I—how we all feel about Bella. I don't know where you went and I don't care, just get your ass back here. Now.
-Alice

I'm giving you three minutes to either reply or show the fuck up before I send out a search party. Rosalie will be pissed if you get your face broke tonight.
-Alice

I rolled my eyes—God, she was so dramatic, absolutely correct, but overly dramatic—but decided to shoot her a quick text. Just covering my bases. I quickly jotted a reply to Alice.

Chill the fuck out, Malice. Ringer was turned off on phone, and didn't notice it vibrate. Don't have a clue where Bella is. Haven't seen her since I saw you. Didn't know it was my turn to babysit. Was feeling dizzy, stepped out for some air, stumbled and fucked up knee. On my way back now.
-E

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~∞Ѿ∞~

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From the way Alice had been carrying on in her texts, I had expected to walk in on disgusted glares, shouted accusations, and Jacob Black's fist in my face, so it goes without saying that I was somewhat surprised to be barely a blip on anyone's radar when I did.

Alice and Charlotte approached almost as soon as I walked inside the private room on the second floor of the club. I was spared the inquisition I could see Malice dying to conduct—the questions burning in her narrowed eyes, but dammed by tightly pursed lips—by my…girlfriend (the word a bitter pill to swallow because she wasn't the one I wanted to hold the title) who was clinging to her arm.

Charlotte launched herself at me going into full-on, concerned girlfriend-slash-mother hen mode, too distracted by my injuries to question where I'd been for so long or to notice the glares Alice was leveling at me from above crossed arms, trying to intimidate. I met her glare straight on with my own annoyed one, holding it in an intense stare down while Charlotte clucked over me.

"Oh, honey! You need to get off that knee and get some ice on it – make sure you didn't hurt it too badly. Maybe we should go in to the E.R. for an x-ray and some scans just to be safe? How's the pain?" She reached for my hands while peppering my face with her kisses and concerns that I was trying to brush off, and I hissed, causing Charlotte to pull my hands towards her in alarm.

"Edward! You're bleeding, baby. We need to go clean these up."

"Yeah, you're right. Let's go," I agreed, not sure if she knew I meant leave entirely. I turned to address Alice. "I'm out, Al. I'm sure I'll hear from you tomorrow. Tell Em and Jazz-man I said 'later'."

"I'll do that," she said, still looking at me sternly, as Charlotte said, "You want to leave? I'm not ready to go yet."

Ignoring Alice and her whole 'I've got my eyes on you' thing, I addressed Charlotte. "Then stay if you want, but I'm out."

I separated myself from her, physically removing her limb by limb and heading towards the exit as soon as I was done. It was cold and unfeeling—I was acting like a grade-A douche—but I really didn't care. Her staying would make my night easier; I wasn't in the mood to deal with having to appease her tonight. Unfortunately, I would have to. Just as I reached the door, her hand slipped around my arm.

"Wait up, baby! I said I was coming, I just had to say goodbye to the girls first…"

Charlotte prattled on and on about her day, the party, the girls she met…or something along those lines, I assumed; I wasn't actually listening and I didn't really care. I was lost in my head, processing everything that had or hadn't happened, trying to figure out what could or would occur in the future, and how I felt about it all. Not very good at the moment.

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~∞Ѿ∞~

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I stood awkwardly in the hallway outside of Charlotte's apartment while she moved about the living room doing God knows what. She stopped, finally realizing I hadn't followed her inside, and stared, her face scrunching up in confusion.

"What are you doing out there? Aren't you coming in?"

"Nah, I'm gonna head back to my place. I just wanted to walk you up and make sure you made it inside okay," I answered, looking down at the floor and scratching the back of my neck.

"Why not?" she questioned, honestly confused. "Are you upset with me?"

Was I upset with her? Seriously? I chuckled humorlessly, still looking down and scuffing my toe across a black mark on the vinyl tile, but not making any attempt to answer.

"Edward…talk to me, please. What did I do?"

My head shot up, my angry eyes narrowing as they focused on her. "Seriously?" I snapped. "You honestly thought your behavior tonight was acceptable? That it was okay to act that way in the company you were in? I've never seen you behave so disrespectfully or hurtfully. And why? What did she ever do to you besides get fucked over by me?" I shook my head, adding in a mutter to myself, "Both literally and figuratively."

"I'm sorry. I…I didn't…" she started, but I quickly cut her off; I didn't care to hear her excuses and I wasn't the one to whom her apologies were owed.

"Don't apologize to me."

Silence hung in the air, uncomfortable and prickly, and I just wanted to go. The strangest desire to confess everything to her and have all this over with was starting to bubble up to the surface, and I didn't want to say or do something I would regret. I had already hurt Charlotte with my words, and probably by my distance and coldness, too—I didn't need to destroy her with a confession like that. So, Charlotte, now that I've just scolded you for your behavior towards my…Bella, I just wanted to tell you that I fucked her earlier tonight. In a dirty stairwell. Later. Not even I was that cruel—not needlessly—and I owed her better than that.

Truthfully, I owed her a lot; she was there for me when no one else was, dealt with my mood swings on a daily basis, my occasional insensitive and callous treatment of her, and even my sordid past, all without complaint. She even put up with my family and Rose with a smile on her face and minimal bitching which was, in and of itself, no small feat. I didn't want to hurt her, I did care about her, but I knew if I stayed, I would end up doing just that. The silence was killing me, but I wouldn't speak, refusing to break for fear of what I would say. I couldn't, however, keep my eyes from darting back up from the floor to her eyes.

Fuck! She looked like she was on the verge of tears. I felt like I should do something or say something, but I couldn't find it in me to comfort her or reassure her; it made me feel like a shitty person. I was a shitty person. For the briefest of moments as my eyes were on her, I again contemplated ending our sham of a one-sided relationship. Maybe she saw it in my eyes or on my face—I don't know—but she winced and looked so devastated, that I quickly dismissed the thought. It's something I would later regret—it would have saved so much heartbreak in the long run—but at the time, I allowed my weakness and maybe my fear of being alone while Bella wasn't to convince me that it was the right thing to do. I mean, I was obviously hurting her regardless of my best intentions…

"I just got carried away," Charlotte blurted out, caving before I could. "It's been ages since I've gotten to gossip and have fun with a group of girls. It's not like I have anyone I can talk to about us... I just wasn't thinking. I don't understand why you're so upset about this."

"Bella's still my friend, Charlotte. No matter what happened between us…" I sucked in a breath at the sharp wave of pain I was unexpectedly hit with. "…in the past, and even if it's only ever one-sided, she's still my friend. I'm going to go, the cab's still waiting. I'll…call you tomorrow."

"Okay. Tomorrow," she said, her voice sad and small.

And I just turned and walked away like the cold, heartless bastard I was.

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~∞Ѿ∞~

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I didn't see her, speak to her or even hear of her in the week between the bachelor party and the wedding. I tried texting and even calling her, but she blocked my number and wouldn't accept calls from numbers she didn't recognize. I surreptitiously asked about her, but quit before anyone grew suspicious. Not that I really cared if they knew, but Bella obviously didn't want anyone knowing, so I would respect her wishes.

The no contact was driving me insane. I needed something of her, from her, but she wouldn't give me a thing. Not that I deserved it; I had taken so much from her. Still, she couldn't avoid me at the wedding. She could try, of course, but it wouldn't happen. At least that's what I kept telling myself, and it was the only thing that got me through the week.

The day after the bachelor party, I woke up in a foul mood-not even eight o'clock in the morning and I was already pissed off at the world.

"Goddamn motherfucking son of a bitch!" I shouted slamming through my dresser drawers, searching for, and not finding, my favorite boxer briefs. I was running late for my shift and still not dressed. I didn't usually have a problem with dressing—normally, I could do so in about five minutes; it's not like I have difficult decisions to make in regards to clothing. It was the same uniform of light green scrubs day in and day out. Today though, the day I was lucky enough to be assisting on a complicated aortic aneurysm repair, I had suddenly decided to be all particular about my jocks, and seemingly couldn't leave until I found the ones I wanted.

I heard a dull thud as I searched through the top drawer of my bureau for a second time. Initially, I wasn't terribly inclined to investigate it, but curiosity getting the best of me, I dug carefully through my drawer until my hand contacted the item. My breath caught in my chest when I sorted it from my briefs. I had forgotten that I'd put it there. Dazed and none too steady on my feet, I stumbled the few steps to my bed and sat down hard, staring at the box sitting in the palm of my hand.

Bella's ring.

The memory was so vivid, like watching a movie. Stumbling into my apartment, numb from a combination of cheap whiskey, heartbreak and lack of sleep. Dropping my bag on the floor before stripping my grungy, travel-worn clothes off of me. Hearing the clunk as I dropped my coat onto the floor, having somehow forgotten about the box in my pocket despite the weight of it there. That something so small could be so heavy, could carry the weight of several worlds, or at the least, two hearts...

Even through my exhausted haze I had known what had caused the noise. I made my way to my coat, bent down and reluctantly pulled it from the pocket it was hidden in. It seemed even heavier than before, which was only right really, since my disappointed hopes and failures now resided in the box as well as the heartbreak of two people and the sins of my youth. I started to open the box, thinking to look on it one more time before I got rid of it, but just the mere thought of parting with the bauble made what was left of my heart clench up painfully. No, I couldn't get rid of the ring. If Bella couldn't wear it, no one would.

Not sure of what to do with it, I had tossed it the first place I was fairly certain it would go unnoticed and no one would think to look (just who I thought would be doing the looking, I haven't a clue): my underwear drawer.

The alarm on my phone went off, snapping me back to reality and alerting me that I needed to leave or I would be late. I reluctantly got up, and sat the open ring box on my bureau. I dressed in distraction, hardly taking my eyes from the faceted stone in its platinum band, and no longer concerned with wearing my favorite boxers. I dressed slowly, taking more time than I had to spare, but when my phone beeped at me in reminder for the second time, I knew I had to go. Like ripping a Band-Aid off, I jerked my eyes away from the ring and rushed through the door.

I didn't even make it a full step out of the room before reaching my hand back inside, plucking the ring from its box, and shoving it inside the deep pocket of my scrubs. It must have looked as if I were playing a little solo pocket pool all day with the way my hand stayed buried in my pocket—spinning her ring around the tip of my pinkie (the only finger it would even fit the tip of), running my fingers over the facets of the diamond and the smooth platinum band—whenever I wasn't using it.

I definitely garnered a couple of strange looks, prompting me to stop when I actually noticed, but minutes later, my hand would be back in my pocket, drawn to the ring like Gollum was to his precious.

It was a crutch, probably not healthy, and kind of a pansy thing to do, but just the weight of it there against my leg, made me feel better…it calmed me, smoothed my fraying edges, and eased the ache in my soul. It's not like anyone is going to find out about it, I told myself each time I transferred it from one pocket to another.

.

~∞Ѿ∞~

.

Even I had to admit—grudgingly—that Rosalie looked beautiful as she walked down aisle toward my brother. Yeah, she was a total bitch, but I couldn't deny that she loved my brother fiercely, and I was happy for them. Well, happy for him. Kind of. Maybe bitchy, bossy blondes were his kink? I shuddered, images of them that I can never un-see, popping into my head. Yeah, Emmett definitely liked bossy.

Regardless of my feelings for the bride, it was Emmett's day and I had promised myself that I wouldn't be a black, emo cloud hovering over it. I made a concerted effort to keep, if not a smile, then at least a pleasant expression on my face at all times. It wasn't the easiest task I've ever undertaken, but I loved my brother…even if he was a giant douche marrying a raging bitch.

My eyes were drawn to Bella throughout the ceremony. Her eyes seemed to be on me, just as often as my eyes were on her. As my brother and Rose pledged their eternal love and devotion to one another, I had to tear my eyes away from Bella; I had no right to look at her the way. I forced myself to look at Charlotte, sitting a few rows behind my mother; after all, we had appearances to keep up.

While I could barely disguise my longing for the woman standing opposite me, Charlotte was the very definition of the doting girlfriend. Her eyes were always on me, but they would light up so brightly each time they met mine that I couldn't help returning it with a small smile of my own. Then I would feel Bella's eyes on me, and guilt would rock me. The whole situation had become so fucked up, and I didn't know what I could do to fix it, especially with Bella determined to ignore me. I was struck by a depressing thought: what if things didn't need fixing, and this was how things were always meant to be?

I didn't love Char the way I should, but I knew we could be averagely happy together if I just gave up the ghost on a relationship with Bella. If I really wanted to be with her, I would have ended things with Charlotte—I knew this; every second I stayed with her destroyed my chances of being with Bella—but I was a scared little pussy. Not only couldn't I stand the idea of hurting Char, I hated, even more so, the thought of doing so if it was for nothing. Being alone while Bella carried on with her life, was something I couldn't fathom; there was no way I would make it. I was fucked-damned if I do, damned if I don't, and it was all a disaster of my own making.

In my head, I pictured Bella standing beside me in a white dress, promising to love me forever, and my gaze locked onto her, once again. A soft smile graced my lips as I raised my eyes to her face, only to be met by an expression that was so contrary to what I was feeling, that it nearly knocked the air out of my lungs (and certainly the wind out of my sails). The look she shot me was so venomous, so full of loathing that I nearly choked on the fumes. Not wanting to earn another glare, I kept my eyes focused on the back of my brother's head, lost in thought, for the rest of the ceremony.

Her reaction to me so far throughout the day hadn't been very encouraging, but despite that and everything else I had going against me, I somehow couldn't believe that things were how they were meant to be.

…don't give the ghost up just clench your fist, you should have known by now you were on my list…

~∞Ѿ∞~

Songs Used
(In Order of Appearance):
Spitting Venom, Modest Mouse
Mourning Air, Portishead
My List, The Killers

Chapter Notes:
1. …these violent delights have violent endings… - Act II, Scene VI, Romeo & Juliet, William Shakespeare

Fic Recs:
Beautiful Complications, Discordia81
A Night With the Royal Staff, MrsK81
He's Lost Control, fliegendamsel
The Slowest Burn, TypoKween
Stay or Leave, Meggee
Unanswered Prayers, SparklingTwilight
shine, Tianiichan
Prey for the Wicked, Aleeab4u
Pieces of Us. Aleeab4u

A/N: I keep forgetting to mention, I have contributed an outtake to the Fandom for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. A $5.00 donation gets you a compilation of fics from your favorite authors. Time is running out to donate. For more information: http:/fandom4lls(.)blogspot(.)com/?zx=70ee28259e48f2ea