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Chapter nine
'K, I've found my soul mate."
In that moment, inexplicably and irrevocably, Kurt's world fell apart.
Kurt took a moment to steady himself, clutching a hand to his head as he tried to comprehend the magnitude of this moment.
This was the moment he'd lost Blaine forever.
He knew that. There wasn't a single pore of his body that didn't know that. There was no going back now. Blaine had found his soul mate and Kurt would forever be without his, forced instead to watch Blaine play out the role of the perfect boyfriend, as Kurt had so longingly imagined that he would be. He would be perfect; chivalrous, dapper, charming but playful and flirty with it and he would have been so, so perfect for Kurt.
But it was over now.
Everything hurt with the impact of this realisation. His palm stung, his head throbbed and his heart – nearly ripped clean out of his chest at Blaine's words – was palpating at an impressive speed. Blaine had woven himself into every facet of Kurt's being and now he had been torn out and Kurt was alone, again.
He felt the tears stream down his face and he struggled to keep his voice even as he replied, "You did?" His words came out as a broken whisper; he knew how it must sound but in that moment, he'd never cared less for Blaine's opinion of him.
"Yeah!" Blaine, oblivious to Kurt's heartbreak, continued on excitedly, "The guy who's just transferred to our school, he was sitting in on Warbler rehearsal today – Sebastian Smythe."
Kurt paused. He could never, not even for a moment or in the furthest fibre of his being, could have imagined the two of them together. They were polar opposites; where Sebastian was arrogant, Blaine managed to steer clear of the unbecoming trait and remained in the realms of being humble; where Sebastian was rude, Blaine was charming. Even the heavy weight of a steel truck could never have – not in Kurt's wildest imagination – had pushed the two of them together. But Sebastian was attractive, somewhat intelligent and had enough money to sink a ship. Two ships. In that moment, Kurt knew he was done for. He might as well just hand over Blaine's ownership papers right now. "And…you're his soul mate?"
"Yeah," Blaine replied. "But…that's the thing."
Kurt instantly perked up. "There's a thing? What thing? What's the thing?"
Blaine struggled to find the words. "I'm not…he isn't…"
"Blaine, just tell me!" Kurt instructed.
"He's not mine," Blaine blurted out and then, lowering his voice considerably, he continued, "he's not my soul mate."
"Oh," Kurt breathed, trying to make sense of it all. "So you're his, but he's not yours?"
"Mm, it happened to both you and me, unlucky, right?" Blaine chuckled, though Kurt failed to see the humourous implications of this. "But, I was thinking, you hooked up with a guy that wasn't your soul mate, right? And I've done been with Thad before. What would be so different about Sebastian?"
"The fact that you're his soul mate," Kurt reminded him. "He has thoughts and feelings about this, too, Blaine. He'll want you to be it for him. And if you didn't get that instant spark, that fire, that connection the moment you saw him, he will never be it for you."
"Because obviously you felt the same way about Karofsky," Blaine retorted, sounding entirely put out.
Kurt did a double take at this. He almost wanted to slap Blaine for bringing Karofsky into the conversation; he knew it was a sensitive subject for Kurt. "Karofsky and I were never together, Blaine, nor were we serious. It was a one-time thing and we both knew that. There were no promises, no false hope, no anything. It was fun. Like you and Thad. But this is serious, Blaine. This boy wants you, wants you for more than fooling around and more than a hook up. He wants to love you. Do you think you can love him?" He asked.
Blaine paused. "I – I don't know," he admitted. "But I think I should try."
Kurt let out a frustrated sigh. "Oh come on, Blaine. You shouldn't try and love someone. It should be completely involuntary and inexplicable but just there. It's a fire, a light that you can't ever ignore. You should need to love him, crave him, be lost without him and entirely unable to not love him," he described, painting the perfect picture of how he felt for Blaine, not that the boy would ever know it, not now.
"I know that you love romance, K," Blaine replied, struggling to keep his voice calm, "but not everything is a fairytale. I happen to like Sebastian and maybe one day, I could love him. I'm his soul mate and that means something."
"Karofsky was my soul mate and he repulsed me!" Kurt retorted hotly. "Our soul mates are given to us at birth because they magnify the person that we could be. The world changes us and Karofsky now is completely different to the boy fate imagined him to become when he was born. Things change, Blaine. It also means something – if not more – that Sebastian is not your soul mate," Kurt told him.
Blaine sighed. "I'm willing to try."
"You agreed to go on a date with him, didn't you?" Kurt guessed, pinching the bridge of his nose and resisting the urge to scream.
Blaine paused. "How did you know that?"
"Natural intuition," Kurt told him flatly. "Well, have fun on your date, Blaine, but I really don't think I can help you with this. It seems that you've already made your mind up. So, good luck with Sebastian. I wish you all the best."
And with that, Kurt slammed the phone down, effectively cutting the call and leaving a very confused Blaine on the end of the other line.
Warbler practise was tense. Kurt and Blaine were sat at opposite ends of the rehearsal hall and as if to add insult to injury, Blaine was sat with Sebastian, who was looking entirely too smug for his own good.
Kurt's eyes were red-rimmed and darkened by shadow, making it obvious that he'd been losing sleep and if Blaine was being completely honest with himself, he had, too. He'd blamed an unusual bout of insomnia, but he knew the root cause. K. Having been forcibly separated from his friend, Blaine was more lost than he'd ever been before, even though he'd made possibly the biggest discovery of his entire life. The boy whose soul mate he was.
But that was the point. That boy – though he had Blaine's name imprinted on his palm – was not Blaine's soul mate. That was fact, point blank. There was no changing or altering it. It was black and white, with no hint of grey.
Sebastian wasn't, nor would ever be, Blaine's soul mate.
But for now, Blaine was convincing himself that he was perfectly OK with that. Sebastian was nice, so he'd discovered. Intelligent, well-travelled and good looking. What more could Blaine have asked for?
A small part of his brain conjured up the answer. A soul mate.
Blaine pushed the thought away as Kurt rose to his feet, effectively calling the floor.
"Councilman Wes, if I may?" He asked, sounding timid and entirely unlike himself.
Wes nodded his consent and Kurt stepped into the forefront of the floor.
"I know that this isn't exactly commonplace in the Warblers and that we're busy preparing for Regionals, but I have something to get off my chest. A song, I should say. I feel that as I am part of your dual lead at Regionals, I won't be able to perform to the best of my ability and do you all proud if I don't eradicate myself of this negative feeling by pouring it into song. Therefore, I ask you each for a moment of your time so that I may express myself in the only way I know how. Thank you."
Kurt slipped a tape to David, who slid it into place in the player and started the music.
Melodic strings filled the room and Kurt took a deep breath. He opened his mouth and began to sing, allowing the words to sweep him up and engulf him in the music.
"Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best,
Give you everything I had,
Everything and no less.
Didn't I do it right?
Did I let you down?
Maybe you got too used to,
Having me around.
Still how can you walk away?
From all my tears,
It's gunna be an empty road,
Without me right here."
Tears welled in Kurt's eyes but he fought them back, willing himself not to cry in front of Blaine. He was stronger than that. He had to be.
"But go on and take it,
Take it all with you,
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love.
Maybe I should leave,
To help you see,
Nothing gets better than this,
And this is everything we need.
So is it over?
Is this really it?
You're giving up so easily,
I thought you loved me more than this.
But darling, go on and take it,
Take it all with you,
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love."
He clasped his gloved hands together as he sung, desperately trying to let out every unwanted emotion that filled him into the song. He needed to let go. He needed to let Blaine go.
I will change if I must,
Slow it down; bring it home, I will adjust,
Oh if only, if only you knew,
Everything I do is for you."
He locked eyes with Blaine, who was staring at him with an expression of such longing and repentance that Kurt almost took a step back. He willed Blaine to understand that this song was more about loosening up or Regionals; it was them, it was every part of them and how much Kurt regretted their argument. It was that Kurt was in love with him, painfully so but that the very fact scared him to the very core and it was such that he could never act on it. Besides, Blaine was taken now. And Kurt was still alone.
"But darling, go on and take it,
Take it all with you,
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool.
Just take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love."
The song came to a close and Kurt gave a watery smile before sitting back down on the couch next to Nick, who offered him a comforting arm. Kurt accepted it, keeping his eyes away from Blaine's. The boy was desperately trying to seek out his attention, but Kurt turned his back on him. He'd said his piece, now it was Blaine's turn to do the same.
The date was nice, Blaine decided. The restaurant was nice, the food was nice and Sebastian was also nice.
But therein lay the very problem. It was all nice. But it was exactly as K had said. It didn't set his heart on fire, make his breath catch and his chest constrict. And, as much as he denied it, that was what he wanted, as K did. He wanted romance, love, commitment and loyalty. And if Sebastian's topics of conversation were anything to go by, he was barking up entirely the wrong tree there.
And in a perfect example of this, as if the boy in front of him had read his mind, Sebastian trailed a foot up the inside of Blaine's calf underneath the table, only heightening how uncomfortable he felt. "You know, everyone thinks dates are romantic, but I've always happened to think that the best way to celebrate finding your soul mate is consummation."
Blaine looked startled. "Excuse me?"
"Oh, a virgin," Sebastian seemed to make a mental note of this and Blaine flushed profusely, "don't worry, lover," he winked luridly at Blaine over the table, "I'll teach you all you need to know."
Blaine slammed his hand down on the table, standing as he did so. "I'm sorry, Sebastian," he said through gritted teeth, "but I think we have very different ideas about what we want from a soul mate."
"I'll be whatever you want me to be, baby," Sebastian purred.
Blaine looked away. "I'm sorry," he repeated, "I just can't. I thought I could be serious with someone who I had this…connection with, but our palms say it all. This is a one way thing. I can't be your soul mate, Sebastian, not if you're not mine." And with that, he turned and fled the restaurant, leaving Sebastian staring after him.
He was pulling out his phone before he even reached the car. "K?" He said down the line as his friend picked up. "I know you hate me, I know we're not talking but I just –" his voice cracked as he fought the urge to cry, "I just need you, I need to talk to you. You're the only person I want to talk to right now."
"Blaine, it's fine," Kurt reassured him. "What's going on? Is it Sebastian?"
Blaine was in his car by this point and he dropped his head against the steering wheel, trying to collect his thoughts. "Yes. No. Sort of. It was like you said, K. It was exactly like you said. He was nice, he was so nice and flirty and I thought it was enough but it isn't. I don't like him, I could never love him and I wouldn't want to. I want my soul mate." Blaine let the tears fall as he choked out his next sentence, "Why can't I just find my soul mate?"
"You will, Blaine," Kurt soothed, effectively breaking his own heart in the process, "you will, I promise. And he's going to be worth the wait."
"I hate him," Blaine sobbed, "I really hate him."
"Who?" Kurt sounded shocked.
"Him, my soul mate," Blaine replied, hiccupping as he forced down the next bout of tears. He looked down at his palm and the name etched there. "I can't stop thinking about my soul mate. I feel like I'm betraying him" – you, Blaine's internal monologue corrected, but he quickly eradicated the thought – "when really, he's doing the bad thing here by not finding me. I can't stand him. I don't even know why I want him to show up. I'm sure this Kurt guy isn't even that great. I hate him, K. I really hate Kurt Hummel, my wretched soul mate, whoever or wherever he is."
TBC…
So, Kurt knows… :)
The song used in this chapter is 'Take It All' by Adele. It's a stunning song; go listen to it if you've never heard it.
Please leave me a review if you want to know what happens next with Klaine! :)