CHAPTER 2
Kaidan opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. He had been discharged from the Alliance medical facility after a few hours, having sustained no major medical trauma from the Normandy's destruction. The Citadel was still severely damaged from Sovereign's attack, but the Alliance had managed to put up the survivors in an evacuated hotel. As an officer, Kaidan was given the luxury of his own room, and he had refused to come out, spending his days lying in the dark. His finger idly ran over the sheet, tracing the path he had drawn on Shepard's back when she was freckled. A dark feeling gnawed at his stomach, the cold sinking feeling when you've done something horrible. I should have sent her with the crew. I should have gotten Joker. It should have been me. That's twice I've escaped death at the cost of someone else. Why am I still here?
The door buzzer went off, and he groaned. Why can't people leave me alone?
"Go away, Doc. I'm not hungry." He called out, pulling a pillow over his face. The door slide open anyway, and boots padded over to him. There was a loud thud of something heavy being dropped on the ground, before someone sat on the edge of the bed.
"Look, everyone is really worried about you." The low, scratchy voice of Garrus was a surprise to Kaidan. He had been expecting Doctor Chakwas, she had been bringing him food the last few days and making him eat. He felt the pillow lift off his head, and blinked at the light. Garrus stared down at him, a look of concern of his face. "You've been in here for days. Joker is convinced you hate him, and Shepard's memorial is in four hours. You have to pull yourself together. Chakwas has been lying to cover you, saying the explosions triggered a series of biotic migraines. But people are starting to suspect things."
Sighing heavily, Kaidan pulled himself into a sitting position. Garrus grimaced.
"You really need to take a shower. Your hair is all over the place. I'll get your dress blues ready while you clean up."
"I don't have them." Kaidan stretched his arms out and stood up. "All of my stuff blew up, remember?"
Garrus nudged a large bag on the floor with his foot.
"This package arrived for you today from Earth. Did you store spare uniforms with your family?"
Nodding gratefully, he left Garrus unpacking the bag, and stepped into the bathroom to take his first shower since getting out of the med units. As the water rushed over him, he leaned his head on the cool tiles and tried to gather himself. I'm not ready for this. He pushed his hair out of his face, turned the water off, and wrapped a large hotel towel around his waist. Grabbing a second towel, he rubbed his hair with it and walked back into his room. His backup dress blues were hanging on the closet door, and Garrus was sitting awkwardly on his bed, a small paper wrapped package in his hands.
"This was in the bottom of the bag." He held it out to Kaidan. "I don't know if now is the best time to look at this, but you should definitely have it."
As Kaidan took the package from his friend, he realized it wasn't actually wrapped, just tucked carefully into a small paper bag. He reached in an pulled out a small holophoto. Clicking it on, Shepard's laughing face looked up at him. It was the photo they had taken on shore leave. Where did mom find this? I thought I hid it... He sat next to Garrus on the bed. I hid it with my spare uniforms. Fuck.
"I should go so you can get ready." Garrus stood up. "We'll be down in the lobby waiting for you." He put his hand on Kaidan's shoulder and gave a reassuring squeeze with his talon-like fingers. He left after a brief moment, letting the door close softly.
Kaidan contemplated crawling back into bed. I could just put the pillow back over my face and let this all go away. But if Shepard could see me know, she'd kick my ass for being so soft. He finished drying off and styling his hair, then got dressed. Buttoning his jacket, he stared at himself in the mirror. I look like me, but I don't feel like me. Its like part of me is missing. He rubbed the back of his neck, slipped the holophoto into his pocket and left the room to meet Garrus and Joker.
The lobby was filled with Alliance officers in dress uniform, but Garrus was easy to find, the Turian stood a whole head taller than the humans. Kaidan made his way through the crowd to his friends, and Joker glanced up from his wheelchair, an anxious look on his face. They hadn't seen each other since Kaidan's meltdown on their rescue ship.
"Hey, Lieutenant." Garrus is right. Joker does think I blame him. I don't. I blame myself. I should have gone to get Joker.
"Joker, you doing okay? Anything get broken?"
"Cracked a few ribs, snapped my right arm, I guess I'm lucky that's everything. How are you doing with all this?"
Kaidan knelt down so he was at eye level with Joker.
"Look. This isn't your fault. Shepard had to save you. She is.. was... completely unable to leave people behind when there was still hope." Talking about Shepard in the past tense was going to be a hard adjustment to make. Part of him kept expecting her to appear out of the crowd. "You saw how broken up she was when we had to leave Ash."
Joker nodded, the anxiety slipping out of his eyes. He looked past Kaidan, and cleared his throat as a hush fell over the room. Councilor Anderson was standing near the door, waiting for everyone to come to attention.
"We'll be moving out onto the presidium, I want everyone standing in parade formation. Lieutenant Alenko?" Everyone turned to stare at Kaidan. "You're the highest ranking survivor of the Normandy. You and Flight Lieutenant Moreau will stand at the head with me. Vakarian, due to your relationship with the Commander, and cooperation with the Alliance, you will join us." He turned and disappeared out the door as marines filed out after him.
"Time to go." Garrus said. "Are you ready for this?"
"I'll never be ready." Kaidan admitted. "But this is something we have to do."
They followed the crowd out into the fake sunlight of the Presidium. Kaidan was shocked by the number of civilians milling around. Since Shepard had no family, he had assumed it would be a strictly military event. But she had helped so many people, taken care of so many problems, that respects were due. He recognized the doctor from the the wards, Gianna Parasini from Noveria, and the sobbing mess of Conrad Verner. Ducking his head to avoid the strange man, he made his way to the front of the crowd, Garrus and Joker close behind. Joker had gotten a new wheelchair out of stores, this one had a better motor and moved faster than his previous chairs.
"Was anyone else able to make it?" Kaidan asked. "Tali, Liara or Wrex?"
Garrus shook his head.
"Tali and Wrex are with their people, we weren't able to get word to them in time. Tali is quite angry she couldn't make it in time." He made a face that Kaidan thought was a grimace. "We can't find Liara. She's been out of contact since the crash. No one knows where she is."
The front rows were full of the surviving Normandy crew. They stood in solemn ranks, several of them still in slings and bandages. One private with a broken leg was confined to a wheelchair. Like Ashley's funeral, there was no body recovered. A folded pair of dress blues sat on a small table, under a large copy of Shepard's identification photo. Kaidan's heart sank. That uniform came out of stores, you can see its never been worn. And that photo, that's not her. She was almost always smiling. There was always that hint of laughter in her eyes. Not in that photo though. She only ever looked like that when she was angry or in combat. That's not my Shepard. His fingers reached into his pocket and felt the edge of the holophoto. He felt his stomach turn. At Ashley's service, he had reached out and felt the warmth of Shepard's fingertips, now all he had was the cold plastic of the photo. Taking a deep breath, he shook his head and stepped up next to Anderson. The Councilor nodded at Kaidan, then turned his attention to the Alliance Chaplain waiting patiently at a podium.
Garrus locked Joker's chair next to Kaidan, then took up position on the other side, next to Doctor Chakwas. Having a Turian standing in the ranks at a Commander's funeral was a huge deal, and a high honor for Garrus. A hand grabbed his arm, and he felt pressure as Joker tried to pull himself up with his good hand. Kaidan braced himself, Garrus grabbed his other side, and the helped the pilot out of his wheelchair.
"I'm going to hang on to you for support, Lieutenant."
"No problem, Joker. Let me know if you need to sit back down."
Joker stared at him.
"I meant for your support, Kaidan. I think you need it more than I do."
Out of the corner of his eye, Kaidan could see other marines staring at him. He leaned to the side slightly and hissed to Joker.
"Why are people staring at me?"
"Um." Joker looked guilty. "You two were one of the worst kept secrets in the Alliance."
"Why did they let us stay together?" His surprise cause his voice to raise louder than he had meant it to.
"Because you are an excellent soldier." Anderson's voice was soft, barely above a whisper. "And so was she."
Kaidan stared at him, feeling his face go red. He opened his mouth to ask how the Councilor knew, but the Chaplain clear his throat, and started the memorial.
Since Shepard's records were mostly sealed, the Chaplain had limited information to base his speech on, and spoke of the things everyone already knew about. Elysium and the Skyllian Blitz. Being the first human Spectre. Saving the Council. They would never know about the card games, the drinking, late night conversations. Her rough childhood. Her goats. The smell of her hair. The soft noises she made in her sleep. He blinked rapidly as he felt tears well up, and shook them off. I will be like stone. I will not crack. He frowned. At least not here. Not in front of all these people.
When the brief service was over, Anderson turned to face Kaidan and Joker.
"Alenko, Moreau. Tomorrow morning I would like you both to report to my office for reassignment. Until then, you are dismissed for Shepard's wake." He nodded at Joker, and clasped Kaidan on the shoulder, his hand resting slightly longer than normal. Then with a grimace, he turned and left to go speak to the Elcor ambassador.
"Can we leave?" Joker said from his chair. "Everyone is staring at us and I need a drink."
"Good idea. Garrus, what's nearby?"
The Turian frowned.
"The bar we went to before Virmire was destroyed in the attack, and I still don't think we are allowed in Chora's Den." He briefly scanned the crowd. "I think they are holding an official wake at Flux."
Kaidan sighed. He hated clubs.
"Fine. Lets just go and get a drink."
As they made their way through the wards towards the bar, Kaidan came to a dead stop. Ahead of him was the balcony he, Ashley and Shepard had stood at on their first trip to the Citadel. In his mind, he saw them standing there, his face red with embarrassment while Ashley and Shepard laughed. He let the memory wash over him, warm and safe, until it faded away and the cold darkness returned. The emptiness of the railing twisted in him like a knife, and he turned away.
"Let's keep moving." He said miserably.
When they got to Flux, Kaidan and Joker headed over to a table while Garrus grabbed drinks from the bar.
"I'm really sorry, Kaidan." Joker gratefully accepted a large glass of beer from Garrus. "This sucks for me just as much. I know you guys had a thing, but you didn't see it happen. I did." He sighed, and took a large drink. "Dammit, if I wasn't so fucking frail, I could have had her. She was halfway into the pod when that last explosion knocked her back out..."
They stared into their drinks, the mental image no one wanted playing over in their heads.
"So Joker and I find out our fate tomorrow." Kaidan said, trying to clear his head. "Do you know what you're going to be doing?"
"Probably staying at C-Sec." Garrus responded. "Its going to be difficult going back to all the paperwork, but I want to make a difference. Not to sound cliche, but Shepard really showed me how much I can help people."
"It's a wake." Joker said dryly. "We're supposed to say things like that."
Kaidan gave up on trying to make conversation. He didn't want to hear about the way she died, or have people be overly nice to him, while pretending they didn't know about their relationship. Garrus pulled him back down as he tried to stand up and leave.
"You are not going back to your room to lie in bed and feel sorry for yourself." He said firmly. "Everyone is looking to you. If you can't hold it together, how is everyone else supposed to act?"
"This is why there are regs." Joker added. "Its the military. People die. I had to keep going after Ash got nuked..."
"But you were never... as close." Kaidan sighed, defeated. He knew they were right. It was unbecoming of an officer to behave like this. I'll just wait until I get back to my room. Maybe I'll see the hotel left anything in the minibar and drink till I pass out.
After several beers and long hours, Garrus returned to his quarters,while Kaidan and Joker slowly made their way back to their rooms. As he opened the door for Joker, the pilot looked up at him with a suspicious expression.
"Don't do anything stupid tonight, Alenko. You have to carry on what she started."
"I wasn't... I won't."
He left his friend, and headed down the hall to his own room. While unbuttoning his formal jacket, he stopped to pull the holophoto out of the pocket, but staring down at Shepard's bright smile hurt so much, he couldn't bear it. He placed the photo face down on his nightstand, the click of plastic on wood sounding harsh and judgmental in the small room.
He was in luck, there was one small mini bottle of tequila in the minibar. He unscrewed the cap and raised the bottle to his lips. Fuck. What am I doing? Joker's right. I have to keep going. I'll just spend the rest of my life with the Alliance. If I can't have Shepard and a family, at least I'll do something worthwhile with myself. He screwed the lid back on the bottle and put it in its lonely spot.
The next day, Kaidan and Joker headed down to Anderson's office for reassignment. They waited outside his office for ten minutes until Doctor Chakwas came out, a discouraged look on her face.
"Everything okay, Doc?" Joker asked cautiously.
"Oh, Yes. I'm being sent to the Mars Naval Medical Center." She sighed. "I'm going to miss being on ships."
"Is it just us here?" Kaidan looked around the empty waiting room.
"Most of the crew is being reassigned by Alliance Control. As officers, Councilor Anderson wanted to speak to us personally." She reached out and shook Kaidan's hand warmly. "Take care of yourself, Lieutenant. Even though I won't be your medical officer any longer, I still want to know if your migraines get worse. I want you to keep in touch. That goes for you as well, Joker." She smiled sadly,
and left the room, the doors closing behind her with a soft hiss.
"Do you think we'll ever see her again?" Kaidan asked, leaning his head against the wall. Before Joker could answer, the door to Anderson's office opened, and the Councilor stepped out.
"Moreau, I'll speak with you first. Come on in."
Joker pulled himself out of his wheelchair and slowly walked into the office, taking care not to bump into anything. Kaidan stretched his arms out, then awkwardly examined his fingernails as he waited. After a few minutes, Joker returned, his face bright red.
"They're grounding me." He muttered sourly. "Putting me in systems analysis for a few months. I'm a fucking pilot. What the hell?" He dropped himself into his chair, and crossed his arms.
"Alenko." Anderson's voice boomed out into the small room. Kaidan sighed and trudged into the office. I have a feeling this is not going to be good. He stood at attention in front of the large desk, staring over the Councilor's shoulder.
"Yes, sir."
"Alenko, sit down." Startled, Kaidan hurriedly sat in the chair behind him. "I know I should be sending you back out into the field like the rest of your crew mates, but I have something different in mind. You were closest to Shepard, professionally..." He shot Kaidan a knowing look. "And you were there through the entire mission with Saren. As much as the rest of the Council and Alliance want to think its over, I believed Shepard when she said the Reapers were still out there. I want you to spend a few months with the analysis teams, going over the data we recovered from Sovereign. But then your Alliance orders will kick in, and they'll be sending you back out. You are one of the strongest biotics we have, and it would be a shame to keep you behind a desk." He frowned, then leaned forward conspiratorially. "There have also been strange reports about the organization Cerberus. They've gone completely dark. We've intercepted some communications, and have a small intel team trying to decode them. I have a feeling they know something, and I want you to touch base with the intel group. A Lieutenant Stevens will be waiting for you at your temporary office to debrief you."
He stood up, signaling the end of the meeting.
"I need you to know what to look out for. If the Reapers are coming, I want to know. Dismissed."
Kaidan saluted, and returned to Joker.
"Grounded?"
"Only for a few months."
"Lucky. I'm going to be stuck in this stupid chair forever." Kaidan followed his friend out into the hallway and towards the analysis offices. "Although Anderson did say if I hated it, I could take an honorable discharge and go fly in the private sector."
"That's nice of him."
"I think he just doesn't want to listen to me whine about it. Anyway, lets meet up later this week for drinks, and compare how crappy this is."
"Sounds like a plan."
He left his friend in the hands of the analysts, and wandered off to find his own new office. It was a small, windowless room with two large desks and a wilting potted plant. Sighing, he sank into one of the chairs, leaned back, and put his hands behind his head.
"Hey, man, you're in my chair!" Startled by the voice, Kaidan almost tipped the chair backwards, catching himself at the last minute. He looked up into a familiar face surrounded by blonde curls.
"Stevens?" His friend from basic training grinned down at him.
"Glad to see you alive, man! I heard about your ship blowing up. That sucks."
Kaidan's heart sank.
"Yeah. That about sums it up."
"Oh, hey, I'm sorry. I was just trying to keep things light." He sat down at the other desk. "Look, you can keep that desk, not like there's really a difference between the two."
"Thanks, I guess."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"The crash? Not really." Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. He had found himself doing it so often that the skin was getting sensitive. "Anderson said you were working in intel?"
"Yeah, I was doing liaison work out in the colonies, but here were a few two many complaints."
"From governors?"
"Fathers, actually." He grinned wickedly in a way that reminded Kaidan of Shepard. "So they sent me back to the Citadel to keep an eye on Cerberus."
"Yeah, Anderson mentioned they had gone dark."
"Its the weirdest thing." He ran his hand through his thick curly hair. "They usually have several operations running at once, but they've all shut down. They are focusing on one now. We don't even know what it is, but its big. We intercepted a transmission about it, and my people are working on decoding it. Here, I'll show you what I have so far."
Kaidan scanned the datapad. Only a few sentences were legible, they spoke of two individuals named L and T, the Shadow Broker, and Omega Station. It then mentioned diverting all funds to an unnamed project. He read it twice, making a mental note to check into news from Omega.
"This isn't that much." He tossed the datapad back to Stevens.
"Yeah, that took us two days to decipher. Hopefully by the end of the week we'll know what the hell this project is." Stevens stood up and stretched. "I have to go meet with some of my people. End of the week, we should meet up for drinks. I'll introduce you to my girl."
Kaidan nodded, and Stevens exited the room, leaving Kaidan alone with his thoughts.
As the week went by, Kaidan scoured the extranet for word from Omega. There wasn't much news, the Station was full of people who made a point to stay out of sight. The only information of note was some issues the Blue Suns mercenary groups seemed to be having. Dejectedly, he left his office to meet Joker and grab a beer. His crushing depression about Shepard had settled into a permanent numbness; he set up a routine for himself to follow mindlessly. Wake up. Stare at picture. Shower. Dress. Work. Stare at picture. Sleep. Seeing Joker would introduce a nice variation.
"I can't do this." Joker complained as they sat at a small table. "Its only been a week, but I can't handle not flying." He sighed, took a long drink of his beer and looked at Kaidan guiltily. "I think I'm going to take the discharge. I've... had an offer from the private sector."
"Seriously?" Kaidan's mouth dropped open. "You're just going to give up? You'll get back in the cockpit soon. I bet when I get reassigned in a few months, you'll get sent back out."
Joker stared into his glass.
"I really need to take this job." He said quietly. "I can't talk about it right now, but I have to do this."
Any further questioning was interrupted by Stevens and a petite young woman.
"Oh hey." Kaidan said, "Stevens, this is the guy I was telling you about."
Stevens grinned and stuck his hand out.
"Hi! Lieutenant Troy Stevens! And this is my girlfriend Elsa. She's a doctor at a clinic in Bachjret Wards." The small blonde nodded shyly.
"Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau. Well, not anymore. I'm taking a discharge. You call just call me Joker." They shook.
"You were on the Normandy as well?" Stevens and Elsa pulled up chairs and sat down. "Man. Rough stuff." He looked down thoughtfully for a moment, then perked up. "Alenko, we got more of that communication decoded! That project Cerberus is putting all its resources into? Its called Project Lazarus." Joker went pale. "I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds huge."
Kaidan stared at Joker suspiciously. Something was definitely up with his friend.
"Oh wow. Look at the time. I gotta get going. Early shuttle out and all." Joker pushed his chair away from the table. "Alenko, I'll keep in touch. I promise." He nodded at Stevens and Elsa, and let his chair carry him out of the bar.
"He is a very strange man." A slightly accented voice said from across the table. Kaidan looked up at Elsa, the small doctor wore a look of confusion. "Is he normally like that?"
"He's upset the Alliance won't let him fly. He practically lived in the Normandy cockpit. The Alliance grounded him after the our ship blew up." Kaidan sighed. "I really don't want to talk about the crash. Tell me about you guys."
That was a mistake. Seeing his old friend settled down with a loving girlfriend just highlighted everything that had slipped away from him. He drank his beer, and watched the condensation gather on the side of the glass, half listening to Stevens.
"And that's how we met!" His friend laughed, then frowned at Kaidan's expression. "Hey man, you doing okay?"
"Yeah. Sorry. Just... thinking about the crash. I lost... someone special."
"Oh. Shit. I didn't know. We'll shut up." Stevens reached across the table and grabbed Kaidan by the shoulder. "You do what you gotta do, and when you're ready, let us know. We'll set you up with one of Elsa's coworkers."
"Um. Thanks." That'll be the day. I fucked things up with Rahna, and I couldn't save Shepard. I'm just going to stay away from women forever.
Stevens flashed him a grin, and stared at his datapad.
"Man, I can't wait to figure out what this Lazarus thing is. I bet its huge."
Kaidan marveled at his friend's optimism. For him, that feeling had died with Shepard. I really don't care what this Lazarus thing is, I just want it to keep me distracted. There's only one thing I want in the galaxy, and nothing can give her back to me.
(A/N wow. Hello everyone! Thank you for finding my sequel, and being so supportive! I know this storyline is going to be rough, but I'm going to power through, so we can get to Shenko love in ME3. Less than 2 months to go! Anyway, I hope you guys like it, and stick around!)