CHAPTER 3
In his small office on the Citadel, Kaidan set down a datapad and leaned back in his chair. He had spent the five months investigating the strange actions of Cerberus, and the movement of Geth across the Galaxy, and the combination of his service record and hard work had finally earned him recognition from the Alliance Military, who had promoted him to Lieutenant Commander. The promotion didn't mean much to him, the pay raise wouldn't go towards a life after the military, any money he didn't spend on food or beer went into an account and remained mostly untouched. But his friends thought it was a big deal, and were dragging him out to celebrate. When he was with them, he tried to be happy, but still carried a dull ache in his chest. The crushing depression had lessened, but when he wasn't working, he found himself dwelling on his guilt of how he had failed Rahna, Ashley and Shepard. There were days he was tempted to look up Rahna's file, to find her, to just to see how horribly he had screwed her life up, but he always managed to talk himself out of it. She was better off without him, if he got involved in her life now, he'd probably get her killed somehow.
The door swung open, and his friend and colleague Troy Stevens burst in. The happy-go-lucky Lieutenant had taken it upon himself to keep Kaidan social. If it hadn't been for him and his girlfriend, Kaidan would have spent all of his time curled up in bed, staring at the wall. Stevens dragged him out to the gym, to bars, and even on a short weekend leave to his mother's house on Terra Nova. The lanky blonde leaned against the door, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Are you done yet? Everyone's waiting for you!"
"Almost." Kaidan turned back to his terminal and finished the bank transaction he had started earlier. Stevens frowned.
"Sending money to that family again? Have you at least told them who you are?"
"No. But it makes me feel better, okay?" For the last six months, Kaidan had been sending credits to Ashley's family, since she had joined the Alliance to help rebuild her family name, and support her sisters. After her sacrifice on Virmire, she had been awarded the Salarian Silver Dagger, and the Turian Nova Cluster, which did more than enough to make her name that of a hero, but provided no financial help. Since Kaidan felt directly responsible for her death, he thought it was only fair he made anonymous deposits into the beneficiary account the Alliance had set up for the Williams. It helped with the guilt. A little. The transaction finished, he turned off the terminal and followed his friend out into the wards.
When they arrived at the bar, a glass of beer was thrust into Kaidan's hands, and he was swallowed into a group of well wishers. Since his posting on the Citadel, he had spent most of his time with Stevens, who's friends had swiftly adopted him into their circle. Elsa, Steven's doctor girlfriend was there as well, surrounded by other girls from the Citadel's various clinics. Kaidan politely avoided them whenever he could, Elsa was forever trying to set him up with her friends, and the last thing he wanted was someone to remind him of his failures. He waved at Elsa, then took a seat as far away as he could.
The chair next to him pulled out, and Garrus sat down, much to Kaidan's surprise. He hadn't seen his friend very often, C-Sec had been keeping the Turian busy with monitoring the Citadel repair teams.
"So they finally promoted you!" Garrus took a large sip of his drink. "Wish I could say I wasn't jealous."
"Whats going on?"
"No, we're here for you, you don't want to hear me whining."
"Garrus. What's going on?"
The Turian sighed, and scratched his chin.
"The Council had released an official statement saying the attack was the work of the Geth, not a Reaper. Even though we all saw it, they are telling everyone that Reapers don't exist. I tried to get a meeting with the Turian Councilor, but he blew me off." He took another long sip. "I'm getting to a point where I can't deal with it. I want to be doing something. Shepard showed me how much of a difference one person could make, but everything I try to do, I'm blocked."
"You aren't thinking of leaving C-Sec, are you?"
"I'm not sure. I have some colleagues who are like minded, and want to act. I'm not sure if I want to abandon C-Sec, though. Its a huge risk."
Kaidan nodded his agreement, and turned his attention to the other people at their table. Stevens had sat down across from him, a wide grin on his face.
"Didn't think I'd invite your Turian friend, did you?" He reached across the table and shook Garrus's hand. "Always nice to see you, Garrus."
"Likewise, Stevens." Garrus cocked his head and stared at the Lieutenant. "You seem overly excited about something."
Stevens looked around quickly and cautiously, sending his short blond curls bouncing.
"So I've been having a Corporal research more into this Lazarus project. Apparently, top biological scientists and medical officers from different colonies have been recruited by smaller firms that all report back to Cerberus. None of them know exactly what they are working on. The ones we've been able to track down have been working on tissue reconstruction and nerve damage."
"Creepy." Kaidan grimaced.
"I know! But it gets weirder. I had this guy research what Lazarus actually means." He stopped to down his beer. "Was your family religious at all?"
Kaidan shook his head.
"Dad didn't think we had time for things like that."
"Too bad we don't have Ashley here." Garrus added. "She was pretty up on Human religion."
"Yeah."
"I get that. We weren't religious either." Stevens nodded. "Anyway, I just got his report about the historical meaning. Apparently, he was this guy that Catholics believe Jesus raised from the dead."
"So, you think they're working on a way to bring people back from the dead? That's a little far fetched."
The grin faded off Stevens' face.
"I have… a theory. I don't have any proof, just a gut hunch. I don't think they are working to bring everyone back from the dead..."
"Troy. Spit it out."
"After the crash of the Normandy, there were reports of a high number of ships cruising the Amada system."
"Probably scavengers." Garrus said. "You don't actually think..."
They both stared at Kaidan.
"That's impossible." He stared at his hands. "Joker saw her get spaced. You can't come back from that."
"I'm sorry, I thought you might..." Stevens looked dejected. The expression looked foreign on his usually sunny face. "I know we're here to celebrate your promotion, I just thought... your Commander might be..."
"Yeah. My... Commander." Kaidan drank his beer in one go. "Someone get me another, please?"
Garrus stood up in a hurry to grab another round from the bar as a shock of realization crossed Steven's face.
"She was the... oh. fuck. I am such an ass." He buried his hands in his hair. "Look, I had no idea."
"You're the only person in the Alliance, apparently."
Garrus returned, sliding drinks across the table. Kaidan drank half of his before he spoke again.
"Look. Its taken me this long just to be able to function. Do you know how many nights I stayed up, hoping for something like this? I can't let myself get caught in that again. Shepard is dead, no crazy Cerberus scientists are going to bring her back." He finished his beer, feeling his brain start to go fuzzy. "Shepard is spaced, Ashley is nuked, they're both my fault, and I'm going to have to live with that forever." He reached across the table, grabbed Stevens' beer, and downed half of that.
The rest of the night was a blur. He remembered talking to various people, even spending time with Elsa and her giggly friends. Garrus helped him back to his room and sat him down on the bed. He picked up the holophoto from the nightstand, and handed it to Kaidan.
"Look. Do you think there might be a chance..."
Kaidan took a long moment to focus on his friend.
"I want there to be a chance. More than anything. But I can't. I just can't right now. When it turns out to be false, it'll kill me. You were right. I have to keep going, carry on what she started. Make the galaxy a better place."
The Turian stared at him, a thoughtful expression in his eyes.
"You need to sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow."
Garrus left, closing the door softly behind him. Kaidan kicked off one of his boots, decided the other one took too much effort to remove, and fell back onto the bed. He held the holophoto above his head, scrutinizing it carefully. Are you not dead? You have to be dead, I'd know if you weren't. I don't know how, but I would. He laid the photo on his chest and closed his eyes.
He hadn't realized he had fallen asleep until his eyes opened and he was back on the Normandy. The lights were dimmer than normal, and there was a low hum, like the engines were running at full power. As he ran his fingers over his station, the metal made his fingers tingly slightly, like a static shock. I haven't had one of these vivid dreams in so long. I thought I was done with them. This is what I get for drinking all night. He sighed, and studied his station, he had spent so much time there that he remembered every detail of it. Familiar laughter startled him out of his concentration. Please no. I can't deal handle them both. He looked anyway. Shepard and Ashley sat at the mess table, cards strewn everywhere.
"Look at you being all sneaky, LT! I didn't even hear you come on board." Ashley smirked at him, kicking out a chair for him. "Didn't know you were joining us so soon."
"Kaidan." Shepard stood up, on the other side of the table. "You shouldn't be here yet."
"Why?" He leaned on the back of a chair. "Why can't I be here now?"
"Because we aren't really here, LT. You know how this works. We're just manifestations of your guilt."
"Damn, Ash, when did you get so smart?" She made a face at him. "But if you're in my head, then I can stay as long as I want." He started making his way around the table towards Shepard.
"No, Kaidan. You can't. You're going to wake up." Shepard moved the other way, keeping the table between them.
"Shepard, they say someone is trying to bring you back. If they do, you have to find me."
She smiled sadly.
"I would, but I'm not her. I don't know whats going on any more than you do."
He stopped moving, and faced two of his life's greatest tragedies.
"How long will I have these dreams? When I was dealing with my guilt about Rahna, I dreamed of her for years. Are you two going to be around that long?"
"I don't know. I think we'll be here until you deal with us." Ashley shuffled the cards.
"Ash." He said softly. "Do you blame me?"
"You know the answer to that, LT."
"Obviously I don't, if I'm dreaming of you."
He looked up at Shepard. He missed her so terribly, his whole body ached. She was just standing there. When he had dreamed of Rahna, he had been able to pick her up, smell her, move her. Why not now? He rushed around the table towards her.
"Wait!" But it was too late. Just as his fingers were about to reach her, she cried out again. "Kaidan!"
He woke up clutching his pillow.
Fuck.
He threw the pillow across the room, and rolled on his side, causing the holophoto to slide off his chest onto the bed with a soft noise. Picking it up, he tried to remember how much of the night had been a drunken blur and how much had been an actual nightmare. Shepard's face grinned up at him in the darkness, and he set the photo back on the nightstand. I can't put faith in groundless rumors. I'm so sorry, love. I have to let you go. He stared at the photo until sleep retook him.
The next morning he groggily dressed and stumbled down to his office. Clicking on his terminal, he looked over his extranet mail until something strange caught his eye.
A message from Joker? What? Its been months! He clicked it open and scanned the edited message.
"Alenko!
Finally finished orientation and now am stationed at {REMOVED} with {REMOVED}. Its alright, they're letting me fly again. I can't believe how much I missed it. But I just had to tell you to keep your ears open. There is some crazy stuff happening here, they are very interested in {REMOVED}. I'll tell you more when I know for sure, but in another year or so we might have {REMOVED}. They are watching me pretty carefully, but I sent this from a public terminal while on my weekend leave, so they might not notice. Anyway, I have to get back, but hopefully I'll run into you soon.
-Joker"
Kaidan frowned. Who the hell did he get a job working for?
"Stevens, check this out."
Stevens leaned over his shoulder and read the message.
"That's weird." Stevens gave a shrug. "I have an hour or so free today. If you forward that to me, I might be able to see what network it came from."
"Great. I want to make sure he's not mixed up in anything too weird."
Mapping Geth sightings took up the rest of Kaidan's day, he hadn't even notice the time passing until a soft cough brought him out of his concentration. He turned to face Stevens, who leaned against the door frame, datapad in hand.
"This message proved harder to trace than I thought. I've been working on it all day." He slunk over to his chair and collapsed into it.
"Didn't you have other work to do?"
"I did, but I never let a challenge go. Besides, this ended up being more helpful than anything I've had in a while."
Kaidan stared at him in confusion.
"What are you talking about?"
"This message has been rerouted through four different servers. He may have sent it from a public terminal, but it didn't go straight to you."
"So whoever he's working for really doesn't want anyone to know."
"Probably until whatever mystery project he is talking about is finished. But I think I know." Stevens paused, possibly for dramatic effect. "I was able to catch a break, since the message was edited, they got sloppy with the rerouting. I was able to find 2 other messages in our database with the exact same route. They must not care with harmless personal messages."
"What? Who are you talking about?"
"Your pilot friend... it looks like he got a job with Cerberus."
Kaidan's mouth dropped open.
"That's crazy."
"And if he is, then the project he's talking about must be Lazarus!" Stevens was practically giddy with excitement. "If you respond to him, don't let on that you know. They may cut off all communication privileges."
"I repeat myself. That's crazy." Kaidan shook his head and stood up. "I'm going to check in with Garrus, he wanted to see me."
Walking through the halls of the Citadel, he turned the message over in his head. Joker, working for Cerberus? There was no way that was true, he knew the kind of horrible things they had done. But if he had gone to work for them, something big must have swayed him. I'm not even going to waste a second of thought on what Stevens said last night. But if Joker was with Cerberus, he might be a valuable contact. I'll reply when I get back, hopefully by then I'll have figured out something to say to him. He headed into the back corridors of C-Sec and stopped outside of Garrus's office.
"Why are you packing?"
Garrus looked up, a guilty expression on his face.
"I thought a lot about what you said last night. About moving forward, carrying on what Shepard started."
"You can't do that at C-Sec?"
"No." He sighed. "There's too much bureaucracy. I spend all of my day doing paperwork. I want to be back out in the action!"
"I don't know." Kaidan said, leaning against the wall. "I'm rather enjoying not having everyone I care about die horribly."
Garrus stared at his feet for a moment, then went back to putting his things in a small box. Kaidan walked over to investigate the Turian's desk trinkets. A framed photo of his C-Sec certification, some model ships, and a small golden cross on a chain. Kaidan picked it up and held it out to Garrus.
"Why do you have this?"
"I saw it in a shop. I wanted something to remember Ashley by." Kaidan raised his eyebrows. "No, not like that. I respected her as a crew mate, and felt like we could have one day been friends. Besides, if you had died on Virmire, I would how found something to remember you by. Maybe a small jar of whatever you put in your hair to make it do that."
Kaidan instinctively ran his hand over his hair and glared at his friend.
"Do you have anything for Shepard?"
"Nothing like your photo. Councilor Anderson gave me a small N7 patch after her services." He lifted the small piece of fabric up out of his box. "Its not actually hers, it came out of stores, but its the best he could do." He gently placed it back in the box. "I just want to remember what we've lost. What we are fighting for."
Taking the small cross from Kaidan, he wrapped it gently in fabric before setting it next to the N7 patch.
"So that's it? You're heading off to places unknown, just like Joker?" Kaidan tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
"No. I'm going to Omega. I think I can do some good there, take down some of the more horrible criminals. I have a few contacts of people who want to help. And I'll stay in touch."
"Speaking of staying in touch... I got a really strange message from Joker. It was censored and rerouted. Stevens thinks he's working for Cerberus."
Garrus stopped packing and stared at Kaidan.
"Cerberus? That's crazy."
"That's what I said."
Shaking his head, Garrus put the last of his things in the box and picked it up with one hand.
"Look, if he did, then he must have a good reason. I just hope he knows what he's doing." He passed Kaidan and turned back. "I'll send you a message when I get to Omega. And I promise to stay in touch. I'm not going to drop off the edge of the galaxy."
"Take care of yourself, Garrus."
"You too, Kaidan."
They shook hands and parted ways, possibly for the last time. Kaidan had heard the rumors of Omega. The hotbed of criminal activity and corruption would be a magnet for Garrus's crazy vigilante ideas. I just hope it doesn't end up getting him killed.
Over the next year and a half, he heard from Garrus sporadically, The messages were brief, and so vague they were practically written in code. A few weeks ago, a news report had come over the extranet about a lone vigilant on Omega named Archangel that all of the merc groups were after. Kaidan had sent several messages, but Garrus never responded, which was worrying. Still, they were better than Joker's messages which were so heavily censored they were practically unreadable.
He turned back to his console, where a small chat window was blinking.
Kaidan Alenko (Location: Citadel)
Jeff Moreau (Location: {REMOVED}
09:10: J:Alenko, you there?
09:10: K: Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. What's going on?
09:12: J: Just cruising the galaxy. Taking a break right now while the ship is on auto pilot.
09:12: J: Well, glorified auto pilot.
09:12: K: What do you mean?
09:13: J: They gave my {REMOVED} an {REMOVED}!
09:14: K: Wow. Even your chats are censored?
09:15: J: Dammit. Miranda, Can't a man have a little privacy?
09:15: K: Who's Miranda? Joker, what's going on?
09:16: J: She's this {REMOVED} {REMOVED} {REMOVED} that works for {REMOVED}.
09:17: K: I see...
09:17: K: By the way, have you heard from Garrus recently? I've heard weird things coming out of Omega.
09:18 J: Yeah, he's okay. Pretty angry, though. But what else is new?
09:19: J: I can't say more, since we aren't alone, but there is big news.
09:20: K: Make it quick, I have a meeting with Councilor Anderson in ten minutes.
09:20: J: She won't let me say anything, but {REMOVED} {REMOVED}
09:20: J: Dammit, Miranda! He has a right to know!
09:21: K: Know what? Joker, what's going on!
09:22: J: She's-
{USER LOGGED OFF}
Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. That's was weird. Glad I'm not working with that Miranda woman, whoever she is. But I wonder what Joker wanted to tell me? He can't even tell me he's working for Cerberus. Grabbing his datapad, he left his small office and headed up to Anderson's office. As he did, he cause the end of a Citadel News Network report.
"Several mercenary groups on the notorious hotbed of criminal activity Omega are currently under attack y a lone Turian vigilante known only as Archangel. Recently, this shadowy figure was spotted in the company of a woman resembling the long dead Spectre Alliance Commander Shepard. We will continue bringing you information on this story as it develops."
Kaidan dropped his datapad. What? Omega? That's where Garrus... Archangel? No. And if it was him, and Shepard.. He swallowed hard. If she's not dead, and he found her, they would send me a message. They wouldn't leave me hanging. Still lost in his thoughts, he wandered into the Councilor's office. Anderson nodded at him, and gestured to a chair.
"Alenko, I have two pieces of news for you. First, I'm going to assume you've seen the reports about colonies vanishing?"
"Yes, Sir. I read the file on Freedom's Progress."
"We'll we've gotten a tip off that whatever this is might be heading towards Horizon, in the Iera system of the Shadow Sea. We also have reports that Cerberus in involved somehow. Since you've been monitoring them for the last two years, I want to send you out to assess the situation. You'll spend a few days at Freedom's Progress with a small team, looking for any clues to what happened, before moving out to Horizon."
"Won't that raise some alarm with the colonists?"
"You'll be going under the pretense of installing defense towers. That will get you sufficient access to all the information you need."
"Will they take orders from me?"
"They will be civilians, so not officially, but I think they will respect you for your rank. Which brings me to my other news." He stood up, and stood at attention. Kaidan sprung out of his chair and saluted. "Lieutenant Commander Alenko. On behalf of the Alliance Navy, I promote you to Staff Commander." They stood at attention for a few moments before Anderson sat back down.
"Thank you, Councilor. This isn't just because of the mission, is it?"
"No, I believe you've earned it, based on the work you have been doing." He sighed, and his face softened. "I did have one last question for you. Off the record."
Kaidan was surprised to see this side of Anderson.
"Of course, Councilor."
"This is your first mission back in space since the crash of the Normandy. Are you going to be alright?"
"I've been out on ships since then, Sir. I'm not afraid of space."
"That's not exactly what I meant. I know you've heard the rumors. I also know you've been researching the salvage crews near where the Normandy crashed." Kaidan felt his face flush, and looked down at his hands. "What are you looking for, Alenko?"
"Something I don't want to find."
"Do you believe Shepard is alive?"
"I.. don't know. I've heard the rumors, but if she really was, she would have contacted me."
"I see. Good of you to not take gossip and rumor seriously." Anderson stood back up, and a strange look crossed his face. "You're dismissed, Commander. Congratulations, and report to the hanger dock at 0600 tomorrow morning."
Kaidan saluted, and left the office. So he was finally heading back out into space. Had Anderson been trying to protect him this whole time? Keep him on the Citadel on purpose? He probably just thought I was PTSD from the Normandy. He did know about Shepard, after all. I wonder if he believes the rumors. No, Shepard would have contacted him as well, and he wouldn't be sending me out. He would have told me if he knew something.
He headed back to his office and smacked Stevens on the back of the head with a datapad.
"Sign off and call Elsa." He said, laughing at his friend's mock indignation. "We're going out."
"What's going on with you, Alenko? You were in a foul mood this morning, and now you're fresh as a daisy."
"Hey. That's Staff Commander Alenko to you, Lieutenant."
Stevens face broke out in a wide grin.
"Way to go!" He stood up and clasped his friend on the shoulder. "Lets plan celebratory drinks this weekend!"
"Can't." Kaidan shook his head. "They are sending me out tomorrow to check out some colonies. Lets head out and grab a drink now, so I can pack."
Elsa met them at the bar out in the wards a few hours later. She was still in her clinic uniform, her blonde hair pulled up in a tight bun.
"Kaidan! I heard the good news!" She hugged him, and sat down next to Stevens. The two of them had spent the last two years tirelessly helping Kaidan get over the trauma of the Normandy and the loss of Shepard. He had no feelings for Elsa, but just being around her and her bubbly personality made Kaidan feel better. He supposed it was nice being around a woman he didn't feel responsible for in any way. He didn't love her, he wasn't her commanding officer, and she definitely wasn't fragile; her attempted brawl with a Turian had gotten them kicked out of Flux on her last birthday. She was also trying to set him up with all the other doctors from her clinic, her desire to double date was insatiable.
"Yes, but he doesn't have long to sit around and gloat about it. They're finally sending him back into space!"
Elsa's face lit up.
"So your ready for that, then?"
"It's been two years." Kaidan replied. "I think its time."
"So..." She said, a sly grin on her face. "Does that mean you're ready to go out with one of my friends?"
Kaidan threw his hands in the air.
"Fine. When I get back from Horizon, you can set me up with someone." He frowned. "Someone normal, Elsa. And just drinks."
"Don't worry, we will ease you back into the world of women." Stevens said with a laugh. "Just don't fall for anyone out on Horizon. Elsa and her friends will be sorely disappointed."
"Don't worry. I'm pretty certain Horizon isn't going to be a high action mission. I'm just going out there, installing the defense towers, then coming back once I have all the information I need." He leaned back in his chair and sipped his beer. "Then life can go on as its supposed to."
(A/N Oh man, I am torn between being excited to write Horizon, and terrified to write Horizon. Hopefully I will get that chapter and the one after it finished before ME3 comes out, then I will play through that. That way I know how to tie this into my ME3 story, and delay that long enough so everyone has a chance to play it. Okay. Lets do this.)