CHAPTER 4

Kaidan shivered as he looked around the deserted landscape of Freedom's Progress. He blinked as small snowflakes drifted down, leaving a soft white cover on everything.

"Has anyone been here since we lost contact?" He called over his shoulder to the rest of his small crew.

"No, Staff Commander. We should be the first." A small Corporal came up behind with a datapad. Its only been about 36 hours since the Colony went dark.

"Corporal..." Kaidan turned around to look at the young man.

"Corporal Nicholas Lee, Sir."

"Lee, have you been out to the other colonies that have vanished?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Tell me about them." They started making their way towards the heart of the colony.

"Well, Sir, like you said, they've all vanished. Food left on tables, radios still playing, no signs of struggle. Just, no people. Just like here..."

He trailed off as they rounded the corner. Destruction was everywhere. Mechs lay in pieces all over the small courtyard, slightly covered with a dusting of snow.

"What the hell?" Kaidan knelt down to investigate the nearest mech.

"Maybe they malfunctioned and self destructed?" Lee suggested. Kaidan shook his head.

"This mech was shot. You can see the impact point here." He reached down and pulled out his sidearm. "Corporal, radio the rest of the team. I want a complete sweep of the area before we set up. Whoever destroyed these could still be here."

As he looked around cautiously, Kaidan ran his thumb gently across the side of his gun, he still carried the modified pistol Shepard had given to him so long ago. At least some part of her could help protect the galaxy.

They spent the next hour checking the perimeter of the settlement, as well as the buildings within. Their search did not turn up any hostiles, instead they found a small, sad group of Quarian corpses behind a large crate.

"Quarians?" Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. "There was nothing in the file about there being them here."

"There weren't any." Lee frowned. "Maybe there's some information in the security logs."

Kaidan and Lee entered the small security office, and faced a large wall of monitors. All of them played an eerily silent loop of static.

"That's strange." Kaidan muttered, sitting down in front of the controls. "These should be showing the main compound..." He fiddled with his omni tool, trying to restore the system. "Someone's wiped the system."

"Maybe the Quarians?" Lee suggested.

"Possibly. But why?" Kaidan leaned back in the chair and sighed. "This might take a while to figure out. Let's go check in with the rest of the team."

The remaining three members of their small team were setting up supplies in one of the abandoned housing units. They looked up at Kaidan as he entered the room.

"We only have a few days here before you go back to the Citadel and I move on to Eden Prime. We've already noted some strange inconsistencies with other colonies, not only with the mechs and the Quarians, but all the safes are open. We are definitely not the first. I want you three to keep going with your standard research. See if everything else is the same. Corporal Lee and I will look for more information on who got here before us." He grimaced. "If we don't find anything, that's how I'll know it was Cerberus."

The next few days were uneventful, Kaidan was unable to restore the security feed, and the rest of the team failed to uncover any new information about the colony's disappearance. Dejected, Kaidan made his way to the small camp they had set up to pack his things. As the door opened, the conversation halted, the team staring at him with guilty expressions.

"What's going on?" He said suspiciously. Corporal Lee held out a data pad.

"A report has just come over the extranet. Um. Sir." Kaidan grabbed the data pad and scanned it quickly.

"Shepard's been seen on the Citadel?" He said quietly, sitting down on the edge of a table. "It's actually her?"

"It doesn't say if its actually her or not, but someone who looks very much like her. She was up in Zakera Ward, and in the Human embassy, meeting with Councilor Anderson. She's also been seen with Cerberus operatives."

Kaidan dropped the datapad and put his head in his hands. She's alive? Does she know where I am? Why didn't she let me know? How long has Anderson known? He felt a stirring of anger at the news of Cerberus, but pushed it away. I just have to focus on the fact that maybe she's alive.

"Right. Let's pack up and get me to Horizon. I want to get back to the Citadel as soon as we can."

Kaidan checked his messages obsessively during the long flight to Horizon. He doubted Shepard's Alliance account was still active, and he couldn't bring himself to message Anderson directly. Instead, he refreshed the inbox every hour until he crawled into a sleeping pod. The last conscious thought he had before drifting off was not dead not dead not dead.

Horizon was a beautiful garden planet, reminiscent of both Earth and Eden Prime, and the warm weather and sun were a welcome change from the cold snow of Freedom's Progress, and the artificial light of the Citadel. Too bad the welcome wasn't warm as well. Kaidan sighed. He had been on the planet for a week, and the colonists had been anything but friendly. Delan, the mechanic had made it extremely clear to Kaidan that he was not wanted. The hostile reaction to his presence, paired with the lack of contact from Shepard had put him in a perpetually foul mood. All he wanted to do was get the GARDIAN defense turrets calibrated and leave. I know I'm supposed to be here gathering information, but once the turrets are up and running, they should be a good enough defense for the colony. I just want to leave. He sighed. Dammit, where is Lilith? The comm system had gone down a few hours ago, and the colonist assigned to help him had gone off to try and fix it.

"Lilith, we've got a problem." He grumbled as he came up behind her.

"Still can't calibrate the targeting matrix?" She said, her voice almost mocking.

"The defense towers are useless if we don't figure it out!"

"Sorry, Commander, getting our comm system back online takes top priority."

"Yeah. Okay." he stopped walking. "I'm surprised people haven't tried to blame that one on me, too."

"People out here don't trust the Alliance." Her voice softened. "Its nothing personal."

Their conversation was interrupted by a loud humming noise, like a ship passing too low.

"What is that?" Several other colonists came out of their houses and offices to stare up at the sky. Kaidan pulled his rifle out and sighted on the unfamiliar ship with the scope. He froze. It looks just like the ship that took out the Normandy.

"Get everyone to the safe house." He turned to Lilith, her eyes were wide with panic. A large swarm of small flying creatures left the ship, and approached the colony at a high speed. "I'll cover you! RUN!" He yelled at the colonists. Lilith looked at him, hesitating slightly. "Hurry!"

She turned to join the crowd, but tripped over a small hole in the ground. Kaidan grabbed her by the arm and pulled her up, trying to give her a boost towards the safe house. As he tried to follow her, a sharp pain caused him to cry out. He reached up and pulled one of the flying creatures from his neck. He stared at it in his hand for a moment, then threw it to the ground. Still holding his assault rifle, he tried to fire, but his fingers wouldn't respond. As paralysis took over his entire body, he felt panic rising. He couldn't move, and could only listen in horror as the sounds of screaming colonists was replaced by the low hum of the bugs, until that was the only sound. Frantically, Kaidan racked his brain. I can feel these damn things crawling on me. If I can get them off, I wonder if I'll be able to move? His eyes flicked side to side. If I can use my biotics to push them off, I bet I could make it into that office over there... He gathered his strength, and pushed out with his biotics as hard as he could. The bugs flew off, and he felt sensation come back to his legs. He bolted forward, and flung himself towards the door. He collapsed through it, and lay on the floor breathing heavily as the door hissed shut behind him.

He stayed on the floor for a few moments, gathering his strength after the draining use of his biotics. Finally, he pulled himself up to his knees, and peeked out the small window. A large shadow passed by, causing him to drop back down to the floor in a panic. What the hell is that thing? He slowly edged his way back up the wall to the window, and watched in horror as the large creatures dragged Lilith and the other rigid colonists towards their ship. Okay, if I stay low, they won't see me. They won't know I'm in here. Kaidan lowered himself back down to the floor and fought off another wave of panic. This is what happens. This is how the colonies are disappearing. What are those things? Are they working with Cerberus, or is this something new? I wonder if I'm even going to survive to report to the Alliance.

After twenty minutes, the sound of something breaking atmosphere brought him out of his thoughts. He crawled back over to the window and caught a glimpse of a ship passing over the colony. The Normandy? But I saw it destroyed... It can't be... I must be asleep, having one of those stupid dreams. He shook his head, trying to wake himself up. It took him a few minutes to convince himself that he was actually awake, and by that time, he noticed the hum of the swarm was gone, replaces by gunfire. Someone's here. Someone's come to help the colony. He took a deep breath. The Alliance has sent reinforcements! He waited anxiously until he heard artillery fire. The turrets are online! He stood up and opened the office door, shielding his eyes from the sun as the large ship took off. Hearing shouting, he took off towards the center of the colony.

"NO! Don't let them get away!" Kaidan heard the voice of Delan the engineer echo from around the corner, and quickened his pace.

"There's nothing we can do. They're gone." The second voice made Kaidan freeze. Shepard. His heart dropped into his stomach. She's here. She really is alive.

"Half the colonies in there! They took Egan, and Sam, and Lilith! Do something!" Delan's voice was cracking with stress.

"I didn't want it to end this way!" Kaidan leaned against a nearby wall, listening to Shepard's voice. Am I ready for this? "I did what I could!"

"More than most, Shepard." Garrus? What the hell is he doing here?

"Shepard?" Delan said. "Wait. I know that name. Sure. I remember you. You're some kind of big Alliance hero."

Kaidan took a deep breath. Now or never, its time for answers. He turned the corner, and walked towards the small group.

"Commander Shepard." She spun to face him as he said her name, and her face lit up excitedly. "Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel." He stopped a few feet away, and studied her. Her hair was longer, practically brushing against her shoulders, and a large scar was healing on her face. Other than that, she looked exactly the way she had when he had last seen her, two years ago. They really put in the effort to put her back the way she was. He turned away from her to face Delan. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost." He looked back at Shepard, his whole body ached to hold her and not let go.

"All the good people we lost, and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types." Kaidan barely heard Delan's dismissal, he couldn't stop staring at Shepard. He took a few steps towards her, and she flung her arms around his chest. Burying his face in her hair, he breathed in deeply. The faint familiar scent of vanilla still lingered, and her skin felt wonderfully warm against his. This was the moment he had pushed away as a fantasy for two years, Shepard was alive, and in his arms.

"I thought you were dead." He murmured. "We all did." Pulling her in tighter, he felt the soft flutter of her eyelashes against his cheek. I don't want to let go of her again. Reluctantly, he released his grip on her, letting her pull back to face him.

"It's been too long, Kaidan." She had a half smile on her face, but her eyes looked haunted. What had happened to her when she died? "How've you been?"

"Is that all you have to say?" Agitation creeped into his voice. Why is she acting like its only been a few days? She's alive, but never tried to contact me. After everything we went through! Why wasn't I the first person she tried to get a hold of? She had time to go find Garrus! "You show up after two years and act like nothing happened? I thought we had something! Something real!" All of the frustration, anger and sadness that had been building up in him over the last two years finally boiled over. "I loved you! Thinking you were dead tore me apart! How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" The words poured out faster than his brain you keep up with, and he let his emotions take control.

Her smile faded, and the worried expression in her eyes spread across her entire face.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed." She lowered her eyes, staring at her hands. "You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds."

"I did move on. At least I thought I did. But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus.'

"Reports?" Garrus cocked his head. "You mean you already knew?"

Kaidan glared at his Turian friend. No thanks to you. And that's the confirmation I didn't want.

"Alliance Intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors you weren't dead." He turned his gaze back to Shepard. "That you were working for the enemy."

"Building the defense towards was just a cover story." Now she was starting to sound annoyed. "The Alliance sent you here to investigate me. Didn't they?"

"I was here for Cerberus. You were just a rumor. I wanted to believe you were alive. But I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in!" A look of shock and sadness passed across her face, for a moment Kaidan felt sorry, but then the anger came back. "You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

"Kaidan, you know me!" He voice sounded pleading. "You know I'd only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies, and they're working with the Reapers!"

"I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus." He stared at the third member of her squad, an impossibly beautiful woman in a skintight suit, decorated with the Cerberus insignia. She looked away hurriedly, as if she was embarrassed by the conversation. "They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Dammit, Kaidan!" Garrus interjected. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!"

"You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts." Shepard crossed her arms defensively across her chest.

"Maybe." He looked from Garrus back to Shepard, and the long scar that traced its way across her face. "Or maybe you feel like you owe them because they saved you. Maybe you're not the one who's thinking straight. You've changed. I know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not." Angrily, he turned away from her, but she softly called him back.

"I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan. It'll be just like old times." There was a trace of hope in her voice, as if part of her really believed he would come.

"No it won't." He looked back at her over his shoulder. "I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye, Shepard, and be careful."

He made it around the corner before he punched the side of a nearby building and leaned up against it. How did you manage to fuck that up so badly? Did you have to let your pride get in the way?

"Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up." Shepard's voice cracked slightly as it drifted on the breeze. "I've had enough of this colony." Their footsteps died away, and soon after he heard the sound of a departing shuttle. He sunk down to the ground, and cradled his face in his hands. How did it all go so wrong? Shepard's alive. That should be the only thing that matters. Slowly, other survivors of the attack made their way out of hiding places and congregated in the center of the colony. A older woman ran up to Kaidan, and knelt beside him.

"Commander Alenko, are you all right? Who was that woman?"

"Shepard."

"Has she gone to get our people back?

"I don't know." He stood up slowly, his chest felt like it was going to burst from sorrow and disappointment. "I'll get you her contact information, and you can ask her yourself."

He stalked back to his small office, and checked the extranet. The comm system was back up and running, the Collectors, as Shepard had called them, must have put a block up that dissipated when they left. He sent a request in to Alliance Command for pickup, and stared at his screen blankly, before shutting it off and going outside to aid the colonists. Several hours later, a shuttle landed to take him to the SSV Agincourt as it returned to the Citadel. He spent the entire trip in a sleep pod, drifting in and out of restless dreams. He replayed the conversation with Shepard in his mind, alternately cursing himself for not going easier on her, and not being harder on her. I'm so confused. Dammit, the one time I let my emotions take over...

Upon his return to the Citadel, he retreated to his room. He didn't want to see Stevens, and his meeting with Anderson was scheduled for the next day. Sinking into his desk chair, he reached over and clicked on his personal terminal. Immediately, a chat window popped up.

Kaidan Alenko (Location: Citadel)

Jeff Moreau (Location: Normandy SR-2)

15:38: J:You are a complete ass. What did you say to her?

15:39 K:I'm an ass? How long have you known she wasn't dead? Thanks for letting me know!

15:39 J:Hey, I tried! Its not my fault Cerberus was censoring everything!

15:40: K:Well, they aren't now.

15:40: J:Yeah, well its not a secret project any longer, is it?

15:41: K:Fine.

15:43: K:Is she really not okay?

15:43: J:Well, she at least made it into the elevator that goes up to her quarters before she started crying.

15:44: J:I take it the reunion didn't go well.

15:44: K:No, it didn't.

15:45: K:I can't believe all of you are working for Cerberus! You, Shepard, and Garrus? What the hell?

15:46: J:Oh, yeah, and we have Doctor Chakwas, too.

15:46: K:Are you kidding me?

15:47: J:No, she joined up shortly after I did.

15:47: K:Don't you remember what they did to Admiral Kahoku? You guys are messing around with really dangerous people.

15:47: J:I can't talk about that kind of thing, Miranda is staring at me. She's probably reading this now, or will read it later.

15:48: K:Is she the Cerberus woman in the cat suit?

15:48: J:Yup. A real peach. She's the one who was so trigger happy with the censor button earlier.

15:49: J:But look, at some point, think about apologizing to Shepard. She was dead for two years, and now Cerberus is dragging her around the galaxy.

15:50: J:Its been hard for all of us. I know she wanted to tell you. She still talks about you all the time, and your Alliance photo is on her desk.

15:51: K:What?

15:51: J:Yeah. Don't tell her I told you. Talk to Garrus. She talks to him more than she talks to me. But seriously, you royally screwed up.

15:52: K:Tell me about it.

15:52: K:I'll talk to you later, Joker.

15:53: J:All right then.

{USER LOGGED OFF}

Kaidan kicked his shoes off and crawled onto his bed. Maybe I'll get some actual sleep now that I'm home. He closed his eyes and rolled onto his side. It's strange to think of the Citadel as home, instead of a ship. Reaching over to turn off his light, he knocked over the photo on the bedside table. He opened his eyes to set it back up, and found himself staring at Shepard. What are you thinking? Cerberus? I hope you know what you're doing. If you die on me again, I'll lose every part of sanity I have left... He clicked the light off, and shut his eyes again, and a though crossed his mind. Shepard's alive. She's alive, and she probably hates me. But dammit, she's alive. For a brief moment, everything smelled faintly of vanilla, then he drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.

(A/N Man, this part of the game gets me every time. But I adore Kaidan so much, and always stay loyal to him in my playthroughs (sorry, Garrus!), that I had to come up with a reason for him to act the way he does on Horizon. That was actually one of my main motivations for writing this fic. Okay, so I have the next chapter leading up to the letter pretty well lined up in my head. Then next week the demo comes out (!). I'm going to play it, and hopefully it will give some indication of Kaidan's attitude towards Shepard at that point in time. If it doesn't give a lot of information, I'll wait till the game comes out properly (1 more month!) before finishing this story. But have no fear, I will finish it, and do ME3 as well!

The other thing about this chapter. It never really gets explained how Kaidan shakes off the seeker swarm paralysis, and avoids the collectors. I had to completely make that up. Its the best guess I could come up with. Ha ha. Anyway, again, thanks for reading, and all of the wonderful reviews. I seriously love all of you!)