CHAPTER 5

Kaidan woke in the dark, looked across his empty bed towards his clock, and sighed heavily. Dammit, I still have three hours until I have to wake up. He closed his eyes, rolled back over, and felt warmth where there should have been emptiness. His eyes sprung open, and looked straight into a pair of large familiar brown ones.

"How did you get in here?" He asked Shepard, reaching out to cradle her face with one hand. Her face flushed red behind a light scattering of freckles.

"I'm not here." She said sadly. "Memories and dreams again."

"But I can feel you. We're in my room, not the Normandy!"

"I'm alive. There's no question of that now. Its not like before. I exist outside of your head now." She shrugged, scooting herself closer to him. "I'm actually somewhere out there, now."

He moved his hand away from her face and let it slide down, tracing familiar curves, running his fingers over the contrast of scars on soft skin.

"Yes, but are you yourself? How much of you was dead when they found you? What did they rebuild you out of? How much of you is the woman I loved?" He rolled onto his back, hands behind his head. Dream Shepard snaked her arm across his chest and pulled herself up to face him again.

"You know, until you yelled it at me on Horizon, you never told me you loved me."

"Never?"

"No."

"I'm sorry."

"Tell me that."

"I just did."

"You should know how this works by now."

He sighed, tired of arguing with his subconscious.

"Shepard, I'm sorry, you may be alive, but I don't know who you are. I want to believe you, but I've spent the last two years investigating Cerberus, and it doesn't look good." He reached up to brush the hair out of her face, but she pulled back.

"I know. You just have to trust me. You've always trusted me. Why not now?"

"Because its Cerberus."

She smiled sadly, and nodded.

"I know. I don't think I'd trust me either."

Kaidan opened his eyes, and looked to the empty half of his bed. Groaning, he grabbed a pillow and pulled it over his face. Why am I rethinking this? It took me two years to deal with her being dead, and now, she might as well be. He pulled himself out of bed, ran his fingers through his hair, and threw on a fresh uniform. The Shepard I loved is dead. Whoever this one is can't be the same person. My Shepard never would have join up with Cerberus. Glancing at the time, he sat down at his desk to check his personal mail. To his surprise, a vidchat window was blinking. Curiously, he clicked on it, and the face of Garrus filled his screen.

"Are you here to scold me as well?" Kaidan asked, sighing heavily.

"No." Garrus's normally gravelly voice had an even thicker layer of distortion to it. Wherever he was broadcasting from must be far away. "I just wanted to talk."

"I talked to Joker. Is she really that upset?"

"She was pretty angry. She punched the wall of the shuttle, then locked herself in her cabin for a few hours. She seemed a little too calm later though." A brief look of amusement crossed Garrus's face. "After Horizon, we headed to Tuchanka-"

"What? Why?"

"We had to take care of something for our Salarian scientist. But that's not the point. Anyway, remember when Shepard got bit by that space monkey?" Kaidan smiled as he remembered. He had been so doped up after a biotic migraine that day, he had acted like a complete jackass in front of her. "Anyway, the Krogan call them Pyjaks. There was one just sitting on a crate, staring at her. She walked right up, stared at it for a moment, and then punched it as hard as she could."

"She punched a space monkey."

"Yes. A Pyjak." Garrus scratched his chin thoughtfully. "She is definitely restraining her temper less. Since she's not really reporting to the Alliance or the Council, she's taking some big risks, and pulling some stunts I never would have expected of her. Oh, wait..." The Turian reached towards the terminal and hit a few buttons. The door behind him opened, and Shepard walked through. Kaidan held his breath. He wasn't ready to talk to her again. Not so soon.

It took Kaidan a moment to realize Garrus had minimized the chat window, but left the camera on. Shepard couldn't see him. He leaned forward to study her more carefully than he had on Horizon. She looked like she had in his dream, but something was wrong. She's too pale. His mind flashed back to the soft tan she had from their days on shore leave, then to the rest of her on shore leave. She looks like an actual ghost. The Cerberus uniform looked similar to her Alliance one, but he definitely preferred her in Alliance blues than the black and white Cerberus used. The scar he had noticed earlier seemed to glow white under the florescent light, it cut across the entire left side of her face, but seemed to be healing. Is that from being rebuilt? Did they literally sew her back together? He lightly ran his fingers across the screen, tracing her shape. Why do you do these things to my head?

"Do you have a second to talk?" She asked, leaning against the door frame.

"Can it wait a bit?" Garrus responded, nodding at the terminal. "I'm... um... in the middle of some calibrations."

"Sure." She grinned at Garrus, and Kaidan felt his heart drop. There's my Shepard. Maybe parts of her are still there. But how much? "We're heading out to Haestrom to pick up Tali. It's going to take us several hours to get there, so I'm going to sleep till we hit the relay."

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I haven't slept since Horizon." A dark look crossed her face, but she shook it off. "And we're expecting Geth, so you should sleep too. You and Jack are coming with me."

She waved her hand sleepily at him left the room, the doors hissing shut behind her. Garrus clicked something on his terminal again, and looked at Kaidan.

"Sorry about that. I don't think she'd be happy about us talking right now."

"I got that. I don't know when I'll be ready to talk to her. I'm so conflicted."

Garrus nodded.

"It was a shock, when she showed up on Omega. I'm sorry you found out the way you did."

"Me too." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Beside the temper thing, is she... her?"

"As far as I can tell. Cerberus really put in effort finding everything out about her." Garrus's face brightened up. "They did miss out on one critical piece of research though."

"What did they do?"

"They gave her a Hammerhead for planetary exploration."

Kaidan put his face in his hands. Shepard was by far the worst driver in the entire galaxy. She was hell on wheels in a Mako, but to give her something that actually flew was a grave mistake.

"Oh no."

"Yeah. Jack refuses to get in it again."

"Who's Jack? You mentioned him before."

"She. She's this crazy biotic girl we picked up from prison. You thought the crew was strange last time around? We just keep picking up weirder and weirder people. I'm surprised Cerberus is letting Shepard bring so many aliens onboard the Normandy."

"So it is the Normandy." Kaidan said. "I didn't imagine that."

"Its... different. Rebuilt. Bigger, with more lights." Garrus laughed quietly. "Better food."

The conversation lapsed into silence.

"I should probably get some shut eye, we've got more people to pick up after Tali."

"What's going on? What is Shepard building a team for?"

"Something crazy. Before I go, Kaidan, think about reaching out to her. She's strong, but what you said hurt her pretty bad. She was dead, actually dead, and dragged back from that. We found out you were on Horizon right before we landed, and she was so afraid you had been taken, she practically beat down the Collectors with her bare hands to get to you." He sighed, the connection flickering as the ship moved farther away from the relay point. "I don't know. Tell her you don't hate her. Say something, she needs to know before..." The picture cut out.

"Before what?"

There was no answer, only the hiss of static.

Kaidan sat back in his chair. I'm getting really tired of Cerberus cutting off connections right at important parts of conversations. He clicked the terminal off, and headed down to his office. Stevens was waiting for him, coffee in hand, and a worried expression on his face.

"So... I'm glad you made it back from Horizon!" He held the coffee out, which Kaidan accepted gratefully. "I heard about the attack... and the rescue."

"Yeah." Kaidan sat down at his desk and took a sip of his drink. "You saw her when she was here, didn't you."

Stevens face went red all the way to his ears.

"I only got a glimpse. I was dropping things off at the Embassy, and she passed me. I can see why you..." He stopped, noticing the glare Kaidan was throwing at him. "Its true then? She's working for Cerberus?"

"She was very adamant about working with them, not for them. But at this point, I don't see a difference."

"Not to sound like a dick, but did you get any information out of her or your other friends?"

"Only that Cerberus has rebuilt the Normandy. Improved it, from what I hear. But they know I was investigating them. There's a Cerberus operative on board who monitors their conversations." He leaned back in his chair. "I don't want to talk about Shepard right now. I have to put together my report, and present it to Anderson."

Stevens nodded, and set to his own tasks. They worked in relative silence for a several hours until Elsa burst through the door.

"Kaidan!" She gave his a warm hug, then pulled back to look at him. "I was so worried about you when I heard about Horizon!"

"Thanks. I think I'm alright."

"Do I not get a greeting?" Stevens said, with fake indignation. Elsa wrinkled her nose and stepped away from Kaidan to kiss her boyfriend. "That's better. Hey, babe, you should tell Kaidan your plan."

"What plan?" Kaidan said suspiciously.

"Well, remember before you left when you said you'd let me set you up when you got back from Horizon?" She grinned at him, hope practically radiating off her. Damn. Shooting her down would be like kicking a puppy. Or punching a Pyjak. NO. I have to put Shepard out of my mind for right now.

"Fine. Who and where?"

Elsa squealed and hugged him again.

"Tonight. My doctor friend Marcy Freeman, at the Dark Star Lounge in Zakera Ward. She's working at a clinic there, so she'll meet you after her shift around 21:00. I'm so excited! Don't screw it up!" She disappeared in a blur of hugs, leaving the two Marines alone in their office.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I don't know how you handle her for more than a few hours at a time. She's exhausting."

Stevens nodded sagely.

"Its a talent." He frowned. "Are you ready for this? I mean, you just found out about Shepard, that couldn't have gone well..."

"It didn't."

"Just... make sure you aren't going out with Elsa's friend just to spite Shepard, okay? I know Marcy, she's a good person. I'm pretty sure she is the most level headed of all Elsa's friends."

"I... I don't think that's what I'm doing. I'm moving on with my life."

"Okay then."

"I have to go meet with Anderson. I'll talk to you later."

"Have fun!" Stevens gave him a cheery wave as the door shut.

Kaidan was lost in thought as he made his way to Anderson's office. The Councilor greeted him with a firm handshake.

"Lieutenant Commander. Good to have you back. The attack on Horizon sounded nasty."

"We lost a lot of colonists. I was lucky." One more thing I survived when I shouldn't have.

"Yes. Did you find any information linking Cerberus to the attack?"

"Not exactly. A team showed up and fought off the Collectors."

"A team... then you saw..." Anderson sat down at his desk and folded his arms across his chest.

"Shepard."

"Yes." He cleared his throat. "Alenko, I'm sorry. I had gotten word she was alive and working for Cerberus. But they did their research on her while they rebuilt her. They know everything about her. Everything." He looked knowingly at Kaidan. "I'm still not convinced they aren't going to try and find a way to exploit the relationship you two had. That is one of the many reasons why we generally discourage that kind of thing."

Kaidan looked at his hands.

"Yes, sir."

"You can leave the report on my desk, I'll look over it, and contact you if I have any questions."

Kaidan saluted, and turned to leave when the Councilor called him back.

"Alenko, just so you know, the Alliance is thinking of putting together a covert biotic team. I've put your name in for contention."

"To be on it?"
"No, to command it. I'll be in touch. Dismissed."

Kaidan left the office, head spinning. He had been doing desk work for so long, the prospect of going back into the field was a little overwhelming, and he wasn't even going to think about commanding a unit at this point. Returning to his room, he showered and changed into a fresh uniform. Lets get this stupid date over with. Catching a rapid transit car over to Zakera Ward, he let his forehead rest against the cool glass and stared out at the Citadel. His mind wandered back to his first trip in one of the cars. Garrus had taken up most of the head space, practically forcing Shepard onto Kaidan's lap. She had grinned up at him, setting into motion his complete downfall at her feet. It all had seemed so simple then. We just had to track down Saren, then we could go back to the Alliance fleet. Now she's dead, then not dead, potentially a traitor, and I can't breathe when I think about her. He shook his head as he exited the transport. You are going on a date. Don't think about Shepard.

The Dark Star Lounge was a loud, trendy looking nightclub, full of dancing patrons and strange looking drinks. Kaidan stood by the bar with a drink, feeling awkward. I forgot to ask Elsa what this girl looks like. I have no idea who I'm looking for. Thankfully, he felt a light tap on his shoulder.

"Lieutenant Commander Alenko?" He turned to face the young woman behind him. She was quite pretty, her dark skin and hair nicely complimented by her dark red dress.

"Doctor Marcy Freeman?" She smiled, and stuck out her hand.

"You can just call me Marcy."

"Kaidan." They shook, and he gestured back at the bar with his head. "Would you like a drink?"

She held up a small glass and shook it slightly.

"I'm fine for now. Should we sit?"

He nodded, and they found a small table away from the dance floor.

"So how long have you been on the Citadel?" Kaidan asked. This is just going to be all awkward small talk. This is why I don't go on dates.

"Not too long, about ten months. Elsa keeps telling me I missed all the excitement a few years ago." She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure a giant Geth ship attacking was terrifying, not exciting. I'm very glad I wasn't here for that."

"Yeah." I never want to do something like that again.

"But I was working in a training hospital on Earth, and the stress was really getting to me. I ended up traveling with a friend for a year, and fell in love with space. So here I am!" She looked around, a broad smile on her face. "I never thought I'd end up on the Citadel, though. I always figured I'd end up in some small colony. I've been placed out here in the wards until a spot opens up in one of the Presidium clinics."

"You must be an excellent doctor. The ones on the Presidium are some of the best I've seen."

Her smile faded slightly.

"You see doctors often?"

"Not too often. I get these really intense migraines." He pointed at his biotic amp. "I'm an L2." Marcy shuddered, then nodded. "When I was on my last ship, the doctor and I had a pretty good working relationship. Elsa gets me tranquilizers now when the headaches flare up."

"Does it happen often?"

"They happen randomly, but also when I'm under a lot of stress. They were pretty chronic for a while two years ago."

She took a sip of her drink, and looked around the bar.

"Do you want to go somewhere else? These kind of clubs aren't really my thing."

Kaidan nodded gratefully.

"Yeah, its pretty loud in here." They finished their drinks, and wandered out into the ward. "Was there anything you wanted to do?"

"We could go see a vid. I hear Citadel is pretty good." Marcy walked for a few paces before she noticed Kaidan had stopped. "Are you alright?"

"Citadel? Is that about the attack?"

"Yeah! Oh, maybe you don't want to see it, being in the military and all. Did you take part in the battle at all?"

"Elsa didn't tell you a lot about me, did she?"

"Well, she said you were cute, and a Marine." Marcy smiled, and blushed slightly. "I agreed pretty quickly after that."

"I.. um... was pretty involved in the battle."

"Oh." She bit her lip. "So that's a no on the movie then. Lets just get a bite to eat. There's a stall a few floors down that sells great ramen."

They made their way down through the levels of the building, passing shoppers of various species and bright neon ads. A floor before their intended destination, Kaidan walked too close to the entrance of a shop, and was startled as an advertisement blared out at him.

"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel!"

He froze, then spun frantically to find the source of the voice. The Asari shopkeeper smiled broadly at him.

"Welcome to Citadel Souvenirs! Would you like a special something to remember your trip to the Citadel? Keep in mind, this is Commander Shepard's favorite store!"

Kaidan staggered backwards away from the store.

"Are you okay?" Marcy looked confused. "Its just a marketing thing. They all do that."

"What?"

"Yeah, every store in the area has that recording playing. You know about Commander Shepard, right? Well, you would, being a Marine. Apparently she didn't die when her ship blew up, and showed up on the Citadel last month!"

"I know." He leaned up against a wall and rubbed his forehead.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, you're fine. Look, I... served... with Commander Shepard. On the Normandy. I was there for the Battle of the Citadel, and when the Normandy went down."

Marcy put her hand over her mouth.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea." They made their way over to a small bench and sat. "Elsa never said anything about that. I wouldn't have brought it up. I feel like an idiot."

Kaidan put a hand on her shoulder.

"Its not your fault. Its taken me a long time to come to terms with things. I thought she was dead, and it nearly tore me to pieces, but then she turned up on my last mission and everything went crazy." He sighed. "I'm sorry. This isn't what you want to be hearing right now."

She smiled knowingly at him.

"No, I get it. My friend that I traveled with, I was pretty hung up on him for a long time. But you move on, get on with your life. Maybe you aren't really ready yet. But you'll do fine. You're a sweet guy."

You're a sweetheart, Kaidan.

In his mind he saw Shepard, leaning against her desk as he lay in her bed, still wrapped in her sheets. I'm not ready. I can't do this.

"I'm so sorry about this."

Marcy grinned at him.

"Don't worry. I'm not offended. You have to take care of some things. If you're ready to move on, you can always give me a call. If you can't, maybe you should contact the Commander. Work things out with her."

"You are way too nice of a person to be out here on the Citadel."

She laughed.

"Believe me, this is far from the worst first date I've ever had. You didn't spill anything on me, try to sell me to a Batarian pirate, or turn out to be a Volus."

"You don't like the Volus?" Kaidan teased gently, feeling more relaxed than he had all evening.

"I don't mind them, but it is a bit of a shock when you are expecting tall, dark and Turian."

They laughed together, and stood up.

"Thanks for the advice, Marcy. Good luck with the job."

"Good luck to you as well." She clasped his hand. "I really hope you get everything figured out."

They shook, and she disappeared into the crowd. Kaidan lingered for a few moments before heading back to rapid transit and returning to his room.

Kicking his boots off, he sat down at his monitor. In his inbox was a short message from Garrus with no subject line. Clicking on it, he found the only contents of the message to be Shepard's address. He sighed. I have to put something out there.

"About Horizon...

Shepard.

I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon."

What do I say now? What do I tell her? Everything? Everything.

"I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?"

I hope that doesn't make her seem like I'm trying to make her jealous. Am I? I don't know if she even still feels anything for me.

"Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore."

Is she still my Shepard? Have I changed too much in the last two years?

"Do you even remember that night before Ilos?"

Kaidan felt a shiver go up his spine as he remember the sheer joy of finally pulling her in close. Kissing her deeply. Feeling her shudder and relax in his arms.

"That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you."

And then you were ripped away from me.

"But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside."

He leaned back in his chair. I think I'm more hurt than angry, but she has to know I don't hate her.

"But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again."

There's the truth of it. I'm never going to be able to stop having feelings for her. I may not like what's going on, but deep down, if she's still My Shepard, I'll always love her.

"If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself."

Do I even want her to answer this? I don't want to distract her from whatever crazy mission she's on, I just want her to not hate me for what I said. But what if she doesn't feel the same way anymore? Kaidan groaned to himself, then fell back onto his old standby, vague statements.

"When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.

-Kaidan"

Well, that's as good as that's going to get. He reread it several times over, before clicking the send button. He sat at his desk for what felt like an eternity, mindlessly reading articles on the extranet until a soft ping broke him out of his stupor. He clicked over to his inbox but saw no new messages. On a hunch, he switched to his sent messages. Next to his letter to Shepard, he saw a small line of text next to the subject line.

{MESSAGE RECIEVED}

He stared at the small window until it was replaced by another.

{MESSAGE READ}

His chest was tight. For better of for worse, I've made my apology and my feelings known. She can now go on to save the Human race knowing I don't hate her. Frowning to himself, he opened a new message and addressed it to Garrus.

"A favor.

Garrus,

Whatever happens, keep her safe. Watch out for her.

-Kaidan"

He waited a few minutes. Wherever they are, they're awake and close to their terminals. Sure enough, his patience was rewarded when a response arrived without a subject line.

"Kaidan,

Like she was my own sister.

-Garrus"

He clicked off the terminal, took his shirt off, and crawled into bed. What the hell is she doing, anyway? Tomorrow, I scour the extranet for any reports of her. Or of any reports of things blowing up with no warning. She shouldn't be too hard to track, especially if her temper is getting the better of her. Smiling to himself, he put his hands behind his head. If I can't be there to help her, at least Garrus is. He'll help keep her under control. He rolled over, feeling as if a weight had lifted off his chest. He didn't understand why he felt better, but he did. Things were changing, things were happening, and there was a light of reconciliation in the far distance.

(A/N okay, this is the last chapter I'm going to do until ME3 comes out, (17 days! SOON!) I've played the demo about 8 times, and I just can't figure out enough of what Kaidan and Anderson have been doing to move forward. I'm taking the 6th-10th off from work (yay retail!), and I'll take notes as I get information so I can keep going with this story. So stay tuned!

Oh, and my Shepard does stay loyal to Kaidan, she won't be running off with Garrus. I just wanted to put that out there. Anyway, I hope everyone is enjoying the demo and is excited as I am for the 3rd game!

Thanks for reading! I love you all!)