And clearly I didn't intend for the last bit to get put into last chapter's author note. Alas, I've spoiled some of the next chapter but there we are. We're finally going to get back in Merlin's head! Enjoy!

Chapter 8

He didn't stop running until he was back at the citadel. Throwing himself into one of the dark corners, he tried to catch his breath. And to make sense of what the hell happened.

James had kissed him. And he'd…enjoyed it. Ok, well, maybe not enjoyed per se, but he wasn't like…totally disgusted.

But why didn't he pull back the moment it happened? I was just being polite, Merlin thought, it's…only nice to let someone kiss you. Proper even, right?

Yet even to his own enlarged ears that sounded like bollocks. James had kissed him and he'd like it.

He knew there were men who were attracted to other men. It wasn't something one could talk about openly (Uther's ban on magic wasn't his only form of intolerance) but he knew it happened. And it hadn't bothered him. Even when people said stuff about his and Arthur's close relationship, he wasn't bothered. He'd always felt comfortable with his sexuality.

Until today. He didn't expect James's lips to be so…soft. Or eager. It was almost like kissing a woman. He had to admit there was always something rather…feminine about James. While he talked and walked like a man, he was different. Peculiar. Not quite right. He wished he could put his finger on it…but something was just strange about him. And that didn't make the situation any less frightening.

He sighed. This had just taken a turn for the worst. As if things weren't complicated enough. He was freaking out. Nothing seemed right any more. Everything he knew about himself was suddenly turned upside now. A mess, a huge mess.

At least now he really knew that James wasn't after Gwen. Apparently gawky manservants were more his taste. Merlin would laugh if he weren't so confused.

He made his way into the castle and to Arthur's chambers. While this past week Arthur took sanctuary in his room for the enormous task Uther demanded of him, this afternoon he had decided to work on some additional research in the library. This left Merlin free to do his other duties without the watchful eyes of his pratty master. He spent the entire afternoon cleaning, trying to figure out what he should do. Trying to figure out himself. Why had he responded to James's kiss? Was he…like that? What was he supposed to do now?

As the sun was setting, the Prince sauntered into the room.

"Cleaning, I see. Now that is a rarity," said Arthur.

"Funny. Really hilarious," said Merlin sarcastically.

After several moments of silence, Arthur said, "What's wrong?"

"Wrong? What makes you think something's wrong?" said Merlin shakily. Was there like evidence on his face of his kiss with James?

"Well, for one, this room looks sparkling clean. I've never seen it this clean. You only perform your duties well when there's something on your mind. Two, you have this really freaked out look on your face. It's completely scrunching up your face. Three, you haven't made one snarky comment and I've been here about five minutes. What's happened?"

"Nothing. Really. Nothing's happened," said Merlin quickly. While Arthur was probably his best friend since Will died, he wasn't quite comfortable sharing everything with him. And a kiss with a young squire was something he definitely didn't want to share.

"Come on, you can trust me. Is it another of your drinking exploits? Did you fall off your chair again? Talk more about this supposed destiny? Hug some strangers and tell them how much you love them? I forgave your absence this morning, knowing that you likely garnered some new information for me. I'm right, aren't I? What have you learned about James?"

More than I ever wanted to know… "James isn't interested in Gwen. At all. They're merely friends," said Merlin.

"Are you sure? That hug was more than friendly. What proof do you have?"

He kissed me. I don't think his sword swings that way. "Trust me, ok? James is not into Gwen. You are free to lust after her all you like."

"I'm not lusting after Gwen! I was merely concerned about-"said Arthur.

"Yeah, yeah, you've said as much. James isn't after Gwen. You can sleep easy knowing that your special friend is safe from rogues. Look, I don't feel well, can I be excused for the evening?" interrupted Merlin.

Arthur gave him a strange look, searching his face for something and apparently, finding it. "Certainly. You've been working hard on this whole James project of late," he replied.

But as Merlin moved to walk past him, Arthur put his hand on Merlin's shoulder and looked into his eyes. "I mean it, Merlin. You can talk to me about anything. I know I'm a prince and we can't be friends, but we can still talk about…stuff," said Arthur.

"Too bad we aren't friends because I would tell you to mind your own damn business," said Merlin tartly.

"Now that's the Merlin I know. Be here tomorrow. Early. Since you have the evening off, I'll need you to muck out my stables tomorrow morning," said Arthur.

He wasn't at the evening meal. Nor was he there to break the fast.

She thought about sneaking down to his room or asking him to come to her chambers, but it seemed too risky. Uther might notice something like that and she was certain that Merlin had a high sense of courtly propriety.

So she had to wait. And wait and wait. Arthur had made some significant headway on his project over the last few days so he was taking breakfast at a more leisurely pace.

Where was he? She knew that since he was absent from the table, it must mean he was doing something for Arthur.

She debated asking Arthur, but curiosity got the better of her and she said as nonchalant as possible, "I haven't seen Merlin around this morning."

Arthur looked up, a little hint of suspicion in his eyes, but answered, "No. I sent him to muck out my stables. He's had a lot of free time lately, I thought it best he do something more productive today."

"I see," she said and began to eat her sausages. Keenly aware of Arthur's eyes on her, she smiled and tried to act calm. While Uther was terrifying, she feared Arthur's gaze more. He saw more than Uther ever could. Of course, he knew her better, but he was also better at reading people, seeing their emotions, their fears, and their difficulties. It was one of his best assets and would make him a great King. But right now it was damned annoying.

After a few minutes, when she was sure that Arthur wasn't watching her any longer, she excused herself from the table.

She hurriedly ran to Gwen's and changed into her James clothes.

It was dark inside the stable. Darker than she had imagined. While she was an avid rider who knew a great deal about horses, she didn't often venture into the stables. Uther forbade her from entering, as it was the job of a groom to see to the horses. Plus, it was difficult to maneuver a long trailing dress around all the dung. Thankfully, today boots and breeches made things easier.

While it didn't exactly smell like a lily garden, it wasn't so bad. The smell was earthy but not overpowering. And she mostly smelled the fresh hay that they kept in the loft. There were a few horses in their stables and several whined at the sight of her, but other than that it was pretty much abandoned. She heard the hard clang of a pitchfork and the heavy breathing of labor near the rear of the stables.

It was Merlin.

She moved to the rear, thankful for the privacy and the isolation for this encounter. His back was to her as his arms maneuvered the wooden pitchfork under the hay and moved it to the corner. Sweat damped the back of his tunic and she could see the fabric pull against the bulges in his arms with each movement. She couldn't help but be fascinated.

Remembering her purpose was not to ogle, she cleared her throat rather loudly.

He turned, his look startled. His eyes widened as he realized exactly who had disturbed his work. Immediately, his eyes dropped to the ground.

"Hey Merlin," she said, still using her James voice.

"Hey," he said and quickly returned to his work.

"How've you been?"

"Fine," he said in a monotone voice.

Pregnant silence.

"Look, about yesterday-"

"Let's not talk about it. Nothing happened," he said tensely.

"Nothing happened? I kissed you. You ran away," said James. She didn't know why, but his easy dismissal of their kiss was frustrating. Man or woman, he couldn't deny the facts.

"It was nothing. You were sorry about the injury and got…carried away. I'm just …I'm just not…like that, ok? I'm not attracted to you," said Merlin.

"Oh really? Then why didn't you pull away?" She knew that the point was moot but still, to have him so blatantly deny the kiss she had dreamt about all last night was maddening.

"I was being polite," said Merlin straightforwardly.

"Oh really? And when you moaned? Was that you also being polite?" said James.

"I was flattered but I think we need to…spend less time together. No more lessons or whatever this was," said Merlin.

"I can't do that," said James softly.

"And why the hell not? This can't work. Whatever it is you think we have, it can't work. I'm in love with someone else. I'm in love with Morgana," said Merlin fervently.

"You're in love with me?" she said, her mouth open. He's in love with me?

"No, I'm in love with Morgana. Which you would've known yesterday if you were listening to me instead of plotting how to corner me and kiss me…Honestly, you could've saved us both some trouble and furthermore-"

"You don't understand, Merlin. I'm not James," she said in her own voice. Pulling the cap off her head, she let her hair spill down, "I'm Morgana."

FINIS

What do you think?

Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I haven't quite decided where I want the next part to go. Oh, it'll get naughty but the details are still fuzzy. I just want to have a better direction of the action and the action if you know what I mean.

Thanks to everyone for the reviews! They really inspired me to write this chapter!

I actually read some on the break between my two classes and by the time my second set of students came in, I had to stifle my giggles.

Very good for my pedagogy.

Please review!