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~*~Killing Me Softly~*~

Bella

When I walked into the classroom for LitMag I half expected Edward not to be there. He had been avoiding me all day and I was starting to get really confused. He was a little distant when he dropped me off in front of my house the previous day, but before that we were just Edward and Bella. He laughed as I ranted and then when he took my hand I was sure I saw something in his eyes.

It might not have been what I wanted it to be, but it was more than just a teacher being with a student. It was like, for the first time in our odd little relationship, we were friends. Actual friends. Not to mention the hug and the gift. It just didn't make sense for him to be avoiding me, so when I saw him sitting at his desk, I wouldn't have been able to hide the relief in my face if I tried.

I surveyed the room and it was completely normal for a classroom. That was strange. Edward always set up for the meetings in advance. "Hey, Edward. Where's all the…"

"It's Mr. Cullen, Bella."

I didn't even hear the words at first. I was more focused on Edward's emotionless tone and the cold look on his face. Then, realization hit me like a ton of bricks and could feel every muscle in my face fall. There was nothing I could do to stop it. He had been avoiding me. Had I done something wrong?

"I don't understand." I knew that my voice sounded weak, but it was taking all the strength I had to stay calm and not jump to conclusions.

"Bella, we need to talk." He motioned for me to take the seat next to his desk and I did so. I had a feeling I wasn't going to want to be standing for this 'talk.' "Bella, I need to apologize to you. I let the professional relationship we had fade into one of friends. I'm not you're friend, Bella, I'm your teacher and should be regarded as such."

I could hear the words he was speaking, but they weren't penetrating my defenses. He wasn't my Edward. The Edward sitting in front of me was detached and unfeeling. Just yesterday, I felt like our relationship had grown. It didn't make sense for him to cut it off so abruptly.

"But, I would never undermine you. You know that, don't you? I mean, did I do something to upset you? If you just tell me, I'm sure I can…" For the first time I saw the tiniest bit of something emotional cross his face as he interrupted me.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella." And then it was gone and the stone-like Edward was back. "But anything other than a strictly teacher/student relationship is wrong. You need to make friends your own age, Bella. It's not healthy for you to spend so much time with me."

Now, I was annoyed. No, more than that, I was angry. I spent my time with him because I wanted to, not because I had to. Where did he get off telling me to get a life? Because that was exactly what he was trying to say whether the words came out of his mouth that way or not.

"I do have friends my own age," I said through clenched teeth. "And it's not like you're so much older than me. You twenty-three for Christ's sake! Yes, five years is such an age difference!"

I knew I had crossed the line when I raised my voice and the sarcasm surely didn't help my case. I realized my mistake immediately, but it was already too late. The damage was done and I had sealed my own coffin. I had just proven Edward's point.

"You will show me the respect I deserve as your teacher, Miss Swan, and nothing more. I am not your friend whether I'm five years or fifty years older than you. Do you understand?"

I said nothing. He had never called me by my last name before. It was so impersonal and the words he spoke didn't make sense with his tone. I felt like he should have been angry, but he almost seemed saddened by what he was saying, although, there was barely any emotion to speak of at all. He was truly shutting himself off from me and I didn't know why.

I nodded, knowing that I had to answer in some way, but I was far from understanding anything. There were so many questions that I needed to ask and yet I could think of nothing to say. I was in shock by what was happening. He didn't want to be my friend. But, no, that couldn't be it. He bought me that book.

Only a friend would know what my favorite story is and that I needed a new copy. And only someone who wanted to be my friend would buy me that copy and personalize it for me for my birthday. If we couldn't be friends then why would he do that? It was so hard to think. My brain was yelling at me to say something, but my heart was screaming for me to run.

The pain I felt was surreal. I knew it was there, but I was strangely numb to it. It was just sitting in the back of my mind, waiting to break free and obliterate me. I think I opened my mouth a dozen times only to hear muffled breaths of air leave my body. After what seemed like hours of deafening silence, Edward stood.

"I'm so sorry," he said in a whisper and then he left.

I sat there, alone in his classroom, trying to deny what had just transpired. It didn't work. It happened. And as if to add insult to injury, Mr. McCarty walked in to deliver the next blow.

"Hey there, Bella. Looks like we're going to be working together this week."

Mr. McCarty grinned at me. He was one of those fun teachers that everyone loves a lot, but respects more. I tried to smile back, but I was still trying to process everything that was going on. I'm sure it wasn't very impressive. I shook my head to organize my thoughts and then I registered what the overly muscular teacher in front of me had said.

"You're working with me and Mr. Cullen?" I asked, but I already knew that that wasn't right.

"No, Mr. Cullen has some prior engagements to take care of this week. I'm his fill-in." I nodded. "So, what are we doing here?"

"I, uh," I looked down at the folder I had put together for LitMag and tried to focus. "We're trying to put a new staff together. I was thinking of getting a few more juniors involved so that there is a base for next year. Also, I was thinking we'd predetermine next year's editor and have them shadow me."

Mr. McCarty nodded and we continued from there. I centered my attention on the magazine for the rest of the meeting. I didn't want to think about Edward until I was alone or with Alice. It wasn't going to be easy and I didn't want my breakdown to happen in front of a teacher.

Finally, after an hour of deliberation, Mr. McCarty and I had come up with a staff of four seniors and four juniors with a junior named Marina Davis to be next year's editor. I wasn't familiar with any of the eleventh graders, but I did know all of the seniors. I was excited to be working with Angela and Ben and even a little with Eric, too. Not so much with Lauren.

Mr. McCarty let me go and I picked up my things and walked to my truck. I threw my bag to the passenger side, hopped up into the cab, shut the door, and buckled my seatbelt before everything came crashing down. Violent sobs shook my body as I realized that I had lost the little piece of Edward I had.

Since the day that I met him I had counted on him for more than I could name. I went to him when college applications were making me crazy and when my mom had been in a car accident down in Florida. He was always there for me, but it wasn't just the fact that I could lean on him when times got rough. I had plenty of people for that.

Edward brought something into my life that I didn't know I was missing. Of course, I always dreamt of having someone to feel that way about, but I never expected it to happen. I was independent, I always had been, but when Edward came into my life it wasn't like being close to another person, it was like being close to my other half. He was a part of me.

I knew that there was no way he would ever feel the same as I did, but I was happy with the way we were. I needed it. I didn't know how I was going get through the rest of my life without him. But I was going to have to because that's what he wanted. Or was it? Ah! I was so confused! His actions and his words didn't make any sense!

I pounded my fist against the steering wheel. It didn't take away the pain, but it let out some of the frustration that came with the hurt, so I hit it again. And then I hit it again and hit the door with my other hand. A minute later I was thrashing around the inside of my truck beating anything I could get my hands on.

I was so out of it I didn't even hear the door open before I felt tiny arms wrapping me in a hug. I let my body fall into Alice's and cried with everything that I had. She rubbed soothing circles on my back and whispered hushed words of sympathy, but little was going to console me in my state.

After what seemed like hours of nonstop emotional torture, I was finally able to calm down enough to notice reality again. Alice was holding me in my truck in Forks when she should have been at her new job opportunity in Port Angeles. She had to rearrange her schedule and get seventh period free to be able to do it, but with Alice, anything was possible.

The way she got the job was luckier than four-leaf clovers and horseshoes combined. When she went shopping, a hot designer who was based in the city overheard her spouting about stupid fashion trends and what really should have been fashionable and decided to offer her an afterschool internship. It was the reason Edward had to drive me home.

"Alice, what are you doing here? This is your first day!" She shushed me and continued stroking my hair.

"I had a feeling that today was a bad day to start, so I called and Beth said it was perfectly fine if I started tomorrow." I stared at my best friend in amazement. She always knew things before they happened, but I didn't think I would ever get used to it. "Now, why don't you tell me what happened."

And I did. I told her every detail. I described the look in his eyes, his tone. I played back everything he said word for word. Alice didn't interrupt me once. She just let me get it all out there. When I was finished, she looked about as confused as I felt.

"I don't get it," she said in a huff. Alice was used to knowing things and she got extremely frustrated when something was beyond her. "I mean, I know men are fickle, but he went from hot to cold in no time flat. It doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe, he just got tired of me." Alice gave me the look she always gave me when I talked low of myself.

"Yeah, Bella. He got tired of you in less than twenty-four hours. One minute, he's buying you romantic literature and the next he's…oh."

I knew that look. Alice had a face for everything and the position it was in at that moment was the one she had every time she got a 'feeling.' She knew something.

"What, Alice?" I asked anxiously.

"Ugh, I don't know exactly, but there's definitely something more to it. I think maybe…" She looked at me nervously. "You know what? Never mind. Forget I said anything."

"Alice." I hated when she did that. I could handle what she had to say.

"I think it might have something to do with your feelings…or maybe…"

I could feel my breaths getting shallower. I had never even entertained the notion that he figured out the depths of my affection for him, but the idea certainly made sense. I didn't think that I let my love show through my friendly act, but that had to be it. Why else would he have changed so suddenly?

"Don't, Bella. Please, calm down! I'm probably way off base, okay? Just let it go for now. I'm not sure about anything and I don't want to lead you down the wrong path. Will you just hang back for right now until I figure it out?" The pleading look in her eyes convinced me and so I gave in. I would wait to see how things played out and not dwell on assumptions.

Alice and I talked for a few more minutes, but my emotional outburst from earlier was starting to catch up with me and I could feel sleep trying to drag me down. I assured Alice that I would be fine to drive home and she left me.

Thoughts of Edward laughing at what he probably thought was just a silly schoolgirl crush flashed through my mind. I knew that Edward would never be that type of guy, but in the moments of possible humiliation, your mind tells you irrational things that you believe only because it's the worst possible outcome.

On the drive home I envisioned Edward bragging about the student who thought he was a dreamboat. Then the vision expanded to where the entire school knew of my embarrassment and then it got to the point that I would get expelled for my inappropriate infatuation with my teacher.

When I got into the house I had wound myself so tightly that I barely made it to the bathroom before my lunch decorated the toilet. After spitting and sobbing into the porcelain bowl for several minutes, I fell back and leaned against the tub. I had to pull myself together. It was stupid to work myself up over something that I wasn't even sure of.

"Are you alright, Bells?"

I opened my eyes and notice Charlie standing in the doorframe with concern etched on his face. I hadn't even notice that he was home when I pulled up let alone three feet way while I was crying and getting sick. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

"Yes. I think it was a one time thing." I tried to smile and I think I succeeded in being somewhat convincing seeing as Charlie nodded and headed back down stairs. I think it helped that my dad wasn't overly excited about crying girls.

I took a second to steady myself and was finally able to lift myself off the ground and go fix dinner. I dusted myself off and rinsed my mouth out before getting on my way, but I froze at the bottom of the stares and when I saw Charlie already at the stove, stirring something in a pot.

"What are you doing?" Charlie never cooked. Even before I came to live with him, he always ordered pizza or take out.

"Well, your stomach's bothering you and I know you need to eat after that performance up in the bathroom, so I thought some chicken broth wouldn't be too hard on you."

I couldn't help the bout of emotions that were running loose inside of me. My wall had already been torn to pieces and I hadn't put it back up yet.

"What about your dinner?" Charlie shrugged and waved me off.

"There's some leftover lasagna in the fridge. You go on up to bed and I'll bring this to you when it's ready." I turned to go back upstairs, but paused at the bottom step.

"Thank you, Dad."

Charlie grumbled an uncomfortable 'you're welcome' and I had to smile as I walked up to my room. My dad wasn't big on the whole emotional front, but he did know how to take care of me in his own way. He was solitary, awkward, and intimidating, but he was also one of the sweetest men I knew.

As promised, Charlie brought up my soup and left me alone for the night. I didn't get much sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw the haunting pictures of what could be happening in my life. I was beginning to get very frustrated with myself. I knew that nothing like my imagination was going to take place, but it didn't stop my subconscious from fearing the worst.

Light flooded my window in no time and I barely registered my actions as I breezed through my morning routine, I was so tired. Alice complained about my choice of jeans and a hoodie, but I wasn't in the mood; either for looking decent or for hearing Alice's lecture.

We got to the school early, as usual, but instead of going straight to see Edward, I hid in the bathroom until the bell rang. I wasn't ready for more rejection. Finally, it was time for class. Edward didn't look at me once. I don't know whether I was happy or upset by that action.

On one hand, it proved that there was something wrong with me. On the other hand, I didn't think I could handle the look in his eyes if he resented me. So I guess it was a good thing after all that he avoided me.

The week passed in a blur, everyday the same pattern. I would hide in the bathroom and wait for first bell to ring and then Edward would ignore my existence. The magazine was also a sore spot in my day. Mr. McCarty took over for the week and Edward always left before I arrived.

The first official meeting for LitMag was scheduled on Monday, on my birthday. I tried to focus on my work, but it was difficult not to think of Edward absence. It killed me think of my feelings for Edward being so horrible that he couldn't even be around me and Mr. McCarty's increasingly peppy attitude clued me in to the fact that he knew of my heartache. It was just bad all around.

On Saturday, Alice tried desperately hard to get me to go shopping with her, but I just wasn't up for it. My depressing attitude was wearing her down, I knew that and I tried to keep myself pleasant around her, but the pain was almost unbearable when I tried to hide behind my mask.

Monday rolled around and even with Alice's persistent attempts at getting me to be happy on my birthday, I followed my routine. When the bell rang and it was time for AP Lang I pushed myself from the wall that I was leaning against and sauntered to my seat. I didn't look at Edward right away. I didn't want to be reminded again, but I knew that the longer I waited the worse it would be.

I almost gasped when I saw his appearance. Edward's clothes were wrinkled like he had slept in them and his hair was even more of a mess than normal. His, usually, vibrant green eyes were faded to a dull lifeless color with dark circles lining them. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. On top of that he wore a five o'clock shadow although it was only eight in the morning.

He didn't look at me again that morning, but he didn't really look at much of anyone else, either. He droned on about something that, on any other day, he would have been drilling into us with passion. He was like a walking zombie; a corpse just going along with the flow of things.

When class ended, he hunched over his desk in defeat and I knew that something else was wrong with him. Some stupid little nothing that's in love with you would not cause that kind of turmoil. I had been so self-centered to think that it was all about me. I never considered the fact that it was about him.

I was a jittery mess for the rest of the morning. I needed to see Alice and tell her what was going on. After what seemed like days on end, the lunch bell finally rang and I rushed through the line to wait for Alice at our usual table. Finally, after another lifetime of waiting, she and arrived with an apprehensive look on her face followed closely by Jasper.

"What happened?" she asked cautiously.

"Romeo. I don't think it was me. It wouldn't be affecting him so much if it was me. You should have seen him today, Alice. He looks terrible." Alice sighed.

"Okay, Bella. I've been thinking on this hard lately and I think you're right; partially, at least. I don't want you to get your hopes up though, Bella. I still feel like it's somehow connected to you."

I knew Alice was right to be wary, but I couldn't contain my excitement. Alice had just confirmed my assessment and I had made my decision. I couldn't let Edward suffer through whatever he was going through alone. I loved him and I would be there for him when he needed me.

Time passed unbelievably slow the rest of the day. I cut Spanish so that I could guarantee talking to Edward before the rest of the LitMag Staff got there. I wouldn't have been able to focus on my work in Spanish anyway and Alice was no longer in the class, so there was really no incentive for me not to skip.

But, sitting in my truck waiting for time to pass wasn't much better than sitting in a classroom. I was bored and keyed up; not a good combination. Five minutes before scheduled bell, I dashed out of my car to wait in front of Edward's class.

I realized once I got there that I had forgotten all of my things in my truck, but I could just go back and get them when I was done talking with Edward. I needed to do that in private. Another minute passed and then the bell rang loud and clear through the empty halls.

Students started filling the once void and I peaked in the door to notice Edward's appearance again. He still looked like walking death, but he had at least shaved and tried to smooth out his clothes and hair. I waited for the last student to leave before I made my entry. I walked in as Edward was organizing the staff folders. If he heard me, he didn't acknowledge me.

"You look like crap, you know that?" I was expecting another lecture on treating him with respect, but instead I was rewarded with a bitter smile.

"So, I've been told," he said without looking up.

"Are you going to tell me what's got you like this or do I have to guess?" His face grew serious as he turned to me.

"Bella, I told you last week that this has to stop. I'm a teacher, not a friend." I narrowed my eyes. He wasn't just going to brush me off like that.

"It looks to me like you really need a friend right now. I don't understand why I can't just be there for you when you're going through this." My voice was tense and I knew he could hear the force behind my statement.

"Don't push this, Bella. Please, just leave it be." He was firm, but I could hear the brokenness in his voice.

"No. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong and why I can't be the one to help you."

"Because, Bella! I can't be around you," he yelled at me, revulsion clear in his voice,

"I don't want to be your friend! Do you get that?"

As he shouted the words I just stood there, not comprehending. But as they sunk in through skin I could feel my heart dying a little with each syllable. I hadn't been expecting him to scream at me or to destroy me with spiteful words. I was wrong. I was so very wrong. I thought that he was going through something, but I misread the situation.

I pushed myself on him and he didn't want to be anywhere near me. Alice was right to warn me. I disgusted Edward and as the tears rolled down my face, I disgusted myself for being such a lovesick puppy.

Edward's eyes widened and it looked like he was about to say something, but I couldn't bear to hear anymore. I ran from the classroom as fast as I could to get away from the pain. I didn't stop when I reached the trees. I just kept running until I couldn't feel my legs anymore and I collapsed on the cold hard earth, twisting my ankle in the process.

I was so stupid. He had let me down easy, but I wouldn't back off and now I was in the middle of the woods with no cell phone, no idea where I was at, a sprained ankle, and a broken heart. Happy eighteenth birthday, Bella.

A/N: Bella doesn't have much luck with birthdays, does she? Huge thanks to everyone who reads, reviews, favorites, alerts, etc. You are all awesome, awesome people.

Next chapter, Alice and Emmett kind of rock. Hope you enjoy ;)