Make a Heaven of Hell
Chapter 4: Dreams to Remember, Dreams to Forget
Jeff folded the single white sheet of notebook paper in half before shoving it into one of his father's large manila envelopes. Once it was taped closed He slowly walked to the entrance way and over to the large gilded mirror directly in the doorway, it was the first thing he saw everyday when he came home only to be the one thing to remind him of the torment he suffered every day. He carefully taped the envelope onto the center on the mirror, he read over his lazy handwriting that clearly read To Mom and Dad on the front of it before turning away and walking over to the basement door.
The cement floor felt icy on the bottom of his bare feet as he walked over to the cleaning supply closet and opened the door. Past the brooms and mops and other chemicals used to clean the house he found what he was looking for, the bundle of spare extinction cords.
His bullies insults and taunts passed through his mind as he threw the longest cord over one of the pipes that dangled from the ceiling.
Watch where you're going fag.
Get the hell away from me you freak!
He tied the first knot with the wire and gave a small tug to it, making sure it wasn't going to falter under his weight.
I bet you don't even have a dick, look at you!
Come on pretty boy show some leg!
You're disgusting.
Jeff walked over to the tall metal stool in the corner by the washing machine and dragged it back under the dangling cord. He balanced himself slowly onto the stool and grasped onto the yellow cord and wrapped it in a loop around his thin neck. With a gulp he reaches behind himself and tied a knot and tugged the cord a bit tighter around his throat and slowly let his hands down.
His heart is beating fast and the wire moves slight with each breath he takes, he suddenly hears his father's car pull into the driveway and starts to panic. After a few milliseconds of looking down at the floor below him and hearing the front door open he closed his eyes and kicked the stool away.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Nick woke up in a cold sweat and panting, he still felt as if strong hands were running over his back. He closed his eyes once more and gripped the sheets at his side only to see the image of his father's fist coming forward. He jumped up from his bed and scurried into the corner by the cubbies and looked around the room frantically to remind him he was awake and he was safe.
He looked over to Blaine; he was sleeping peacefully in the glow of the hallway lights, he was lucky. Unlike Nick, Blaine was able to sleep peacefully without nightmares of past abuse or the constant fear that the ward is nothing but a dream and his drunken father was actually waiting outside the room.
"Nick?" he jumped at the sound of his name and broke his focus from Blaine and looked at the doorway, it was just Colene. Nick didn't respond and just stared at her for a few seconds before she slowly moved closer as if she was approaching an injured animal.
Once she was only about a foot away she crouched down on her knees and laid a gentle hand on his forearm.
"Nick I promise you're safe, do you want your notebook?" Nick could only sniffle and nod, Colene stood up and walked over to his mattress pulling the red disheveled notebook from underneath his mattress.
She crouched down once again but this time by his side, she flipped open the wilted cover and folded it back to show the multiple drawings of a mystery woman all done in blue pen ink. He immediately relaxed and Colene smiled before slipping the notebook onto his lap.
"Will you ever tell me who she is?" she asked gently before rapping one of her arms around her friend.
"Maybe..." He whispered and traced over the deep indents of the drawings and sighed. Colene stayed with him like that for almost five minutes before he straightened up and closed the note book.
"What time is it?" He asked quietly.
"It's time to get ready for breakfast, that's why I'm here, I told Cricket I would help with the wakeup calls." She explained and patted his shoulder before drawing her arm away.
"I guess I should get up then." He sighed before standing up and walking over to his bed to hide away his notebook again.
"Alright well how about you wake up little Blaine over there and I'll go get Kurt and Jeff?" Before he could even reply she kissed him on the cheek and sauntered out of the room.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Kurt, Kurt smile at the camera okay?" Elizabeth instructed her son with a giggle as she snapped a photo of Burt and Kurt together. Kurt smoothed any wrinkles from his blue dress top before posing again next to his father, Elizabeth just laughed and took one more photo before running over and scooping her son up in her arms.
"Are you excited about starting school tomorrow?" His mother asked softly as she sat down at the patio table and bounced Kurt lightly on her knee.
"Mhm." Kurt smiled proudly before taking a sip of his 'tea' from his small porcelain cup.
"Little man's growin' up so fast." Burt complimented with a small chuckled from behind the grill.
"You're still going to be our baby boy no matter how smart you get right?" Elizabeth whispered into Kurt's light brown locks.
"Yes mommy." Kurt giggled back and pecked her on the cheek, leaving a light trace of juice on her face from his upper lip. She laughed and wiped away the rest of the juice with her thumb before wiping it on her skirt. Kurt grimaced at the small stain on the blue cotton before turning back to his glass of juice.
"Alright Mister, its gift time." Burt smiled and reached into his pocket pulling out a small white cardboard box. Kurt bounced and smiled in excitement and slowly to the box from his father's hands.
"Something for your fist day." His mother whispered with a smile, at that Kurt slip the lid off and set it aside before pushing away the red tissue paper only to see a small red velvet bowtie. He slowly passed his short fingers over the soft material, it wasn't going to match with the outfit he planned for his first day of kindergarten but he could change that.
"Do you like it Kurt?" Elizabeth asked and kissed his cheek, a small whiff of her perfume filling his nostrils. Kurt simply grinned down at the small bow and nodded.
"Kurt?" He looked at his mother, her lips weren't moving.
"Kuuurrt?" it wasn't his mother's voice he was hearing, her scent was slowly fading away and the sky was growing dark.
"Kurt, Kurt wake up." Kurt immediately shot up in a panic as the sweet imaged of his family pulled from his mind. Colene was standing by his side with a small smile, he wasn't home, he was in the ward again.
"Sorry if I scared you there's only ten minutes until breakfast." She warned before skipping over to Jeff's bed. Kurt pushed the duvet aside before standing up and switching on the lights. He turned around just in time to see Jeff sitting up groggily and Colene settling at the foot of the bed.
"You boys having anyone visit today?" She asked with a small bounce on Jeff's bed.
"We get visitors today?" Jeff asked gruffly and he rubbed his eyes with his palms.
"Yup instead of waiting outside during people's sessions we get a visiting hour so if you do you have a choice in going to see whoever is visiting you or going to your counseling session." She explained with a smile.
"I think my dad's coming." Kurt simply shrugged and started fixing and flattening the sheets on his bed.
"I don't know my mom might come." Jeff mumbled sadly.
"You boys need to hurry up; I'll meet you in the line." She said before smiling at both boys and leaving out the door.
Kurt sighed before walking over to his cubby and pulling out a clean shirt and sleeping pants. His father had completely skipped over his jeans and best couture to get to all of his PJ sets and T-Shirts so he would basically be stuck in pajama's his entire time he had left in the ward. He turned away as Jeff got his own set of clean clothes; he shot his new a friend a small smile before he went into the bathroom.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Blaine you got to wake up we only have a few minutes until breakfast." Blaine heard Nick whisper and shake Blaine's shoulder lightly, his eyes immediately cracked open and looked up before letting out a yawn.
"I'm going to head over to the nurses' desk, see you there?" Nick asked as he headed towards the doorway before facing his friend once more.
"Yeah." Blaine replied groggily and reached up to rub at his eyes. He watched as Nick smiled at him one last time before leaving out the door. Blaine groaned before sitting up and automatically noticing the cold wetness on his side. He immediately looked down only to see the dark wet spot that had developed over night on his shirt. His eyes drifted to his bed sheet which had a similar stain, Blaine jumped up from the bed and turned on the lights and saw the red stains clearly.
In a panic he shrugged his shirt off only to see the dried blood caked over his cuts, he tossed the shirt over the stain on the bed sheets before covering up both with his blanket. He took a deep breath before running over to his cubby, opening it and grabbing a black t-shirt and throwing on. He dug his fingers through his messy curls and blinked a few times before straightening up and heading out of the room.
As he inched down the hallway he noticed the small group of patients huddled together at one corner of the nurse's desk as if they were watching something. Ignoring the odd state of the group Blaine spotted Nick, Jeff, Kurt and Colene standing in the middle of the group their eyes also focused on something.
"Uh hey guys…whats going on?" Blaine asked his friends, he didn't need an answer because he immediately turned to the loud banging in front of him. It was a janitor nailing a board to the walk next to the Ward exit.
"Some girl got mad at one of the nurses for not letting her have her cell phone and decided to kick a hole on the wall, now she has an injured foot and still no cell phone." Colene said dryly still watching the old main hammer a nail into the corner of the board.
"Does that happen a lot? Like, people kicking holes into the wall like Chuck Norris?" Jeff asked and watched, puzzled.
"A lot of the patients here deal with anger issues so that's a yes but don't worry they board the hole up for now but it's usually properly fixed by lunchtime, trust me this is the fourth hole they've had to fix since I've been here." Nick responded.
"Alright guys shows over, no big deal." Cricket called over the group of teens and gestured for them to line up.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
The group ate breakfast quietly with only Colene's small giggled when she played with each boy's hair. Thomas glared at them from across the room where he sat at his own secluded table next to all of the nurses. Nick stole small glances at Jeff as Colene praised him and giggled a little when he saw Blaine watching Kurt dreamily as he nibbled at his toast and poked at his eggs.
He shrugged off his surroundings and continued eating until Cricket lined everyone up for rec time.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
The five patients now sat at their own table in the art room doing separate activities, Colene was making a continuous long braid from yarn, Blaine was attempting to do origami, Kurt was organizing the container of beads Jeff attempted making a bracelet with, and Nick simply holding the strands of yarn together for Colene.
The room was buzzing with other patients making their own crafts and messes while giggling and chatting away.
Colene looked up at the clock quickly before tying the end of her braid and slinking back in her chair.
"Five, Four, Three, Two…." All of the boys stared at her confusedly before they turned to the small click of the door opening, it was Cricket.
"Colene your aunt is here and Jeff so is your mom and brother." Cricket informed as he scrolled through the messages on his phone. Jeff brightened up a while Colene simply grimaced and sighed.
"Gwen, can you take Jeff and Colene down to the mess hall?" Cricket called over to the red headed nurse who came jogging over to the group with a smile.
"Follow me you two." She yipped and waved over her shoulder as she walked over to the doorway. Colene and Jeff scooted out of their chairs and waved goodbye to the rest of their group before following Gwen out the door.
Nick watched sadly, whishing he could have the same feeling that Jeff had, family visiting to make sure he was alright to see how he is doing. He had no one, in the back of his mind he thinks about how he has the friends he made here, but pushes it away because it just seems too early to get that attached.
x-x-x-x-x-x
Jeff walked into the cafeteria, spotting his mother and little brother instantly, Eli was perched on his mother's lap staring up at the high ceilings.
"He looks just like you, adorable." Colene gushed as she walked over to her visitor; Jeff just smiled at her before approaching his table. Before he could even say hello Eli looked over at him and jumped down from his mother's lap to jog over to Jeff and wrap his arms around his thighs. Jeff smiled down at him and patted his dirty blonde locks.
"Jeff this place is huge, kind of scary, but still cool." Eli glowed and bounced, Jeff chuckled before reaching down and throwing the younger boy over his hip.
"Jeffrey what did I say about holding him like that?" Jeff's mother chuckled from where she sat and Eli just broke out into loud giggles.
"Hey mom." Jeff said timidly with a small smile before pulling out a seat on the opposite side of the table and setting Eli on his lap as he sat down.
"What is this place?" Eli asked with his head thrown back against Jeff's chest looking up at him with big brown curious eyes.
"I already told you Eli, it's a hospital." Jeff responded and leaned down his head to bump noses with his little brother.
"Jeff you don't need a hospital you got me to get you better!" Eli pouted; Jeff smiled and pressed a small kiss to Eli's forehead.
"Are you ready to talk?" Jeff's mother spoke up causing both boys to snap their eyes to her.
"Not in front of Eli, Mom." Jeff warned.
"Jeffrey we have to talk about this sometime and he's not dumb he can tell something is wrong." She informed sternly and crossed her arms.
Jeff was about to reply but was interrupted when he saw a gruff man enter the cafeteria and sit down a few seats away, Eli broke his gaze when the little boy hopped up and straddled him and nuzzled his head in the crook of his neck.
"Are you coming home with us?" Eli asked in a whisper, he sounded so innocent and sad that it made Jeff almost want to cry.
"No bud, not tonight, soon though." He responded and patted the boys back lightly. He felt Eli's grip tighten and heard a small sniffle he immediately wrapped his arms tightly, almost protectively, around Eli. He heard the doors open again and turned his head slightly enough to see Kurt walking over to the gruff man who entered minutes ago, most likely his father.
Jeff looked over to his mother, her bottom lip worried between her teeth staring at Jeff intensely.
Jeff was not ready to talk about it, she needed to respect that.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"How are you today, Blaine?" Kyle asked with a smile and a tilt of her head.
"Good." Blaine shrugged.
"That's good….today uhm-today I want to talk with you about when the whole self harming thing began. What drew you to do that…to yourself, what were you thinking at the time?" She narrowed her eyes gently and leaned forward a bit in her seat.
"Well I-I was in sixth grade, and it-it was just a really…horrible day and the last thing I needed was my dad yelling at me about my grades and I…found the razors in my dad's garage. Just a whole unopened pack of razors left there…." He trailed off as memories of his father's shouts, the feel of the first cut, and the horrible clean-up that took place afterwards.
"So you were led to that due to stress?" Kyle questioned quietly, a hint of sympathy in her eyes, Blaine simply nodded.
"So I take it that your Dad is very…intimidating?" She offered.
"And controlling." Blaine mumbled with his eyes down casted to the floor, he heard Kyle hum in acknowledgement.
"Did you ever talk to anyone about…how you felt about your home situation, like your mom or another relative; it said you had a brother in your file…" Kyle drifted off as she pulled what was most likely Blaine's file off her lap and flipped past a few pages.
"Mom doesn't listen and Cooper lives in New Jersey." Blaine informed dryly.
"What about friends, maybe a guidance counselor?" Blaine shook his head and kept glaring at the floor.
Blaine realized that he truly had no one to actually care about what he was feeling; no one at all, and it was putting him in a thick fog of sadness and anger. He thought back to all the times he had come home with dirt on his back from being pushed down by other students and his mother scrunching her nose at him and ordering him to go change.
Then of course the times the times he got a B instead of an A and his father would yell at him and then deny him dessert or playing privileges.
Suddenly there was a box of tissues being waved in his face; he looked up to see Kyle holding it out to him with the feeling of tears slipping down his face.
"Sorry." He mumbled and took one tissue from the box before ridding his face of the signs of his sadness.
"Don't apologize; wanna talk about what brought on the waterworks?" Kyle gave a small sympathetic smile.
"It's-It's nothing I'm just upset no one could make it to visiting hours." That wasn't entirely a lie.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Kurt Hummel?" Kurt heard a deep masculine voice call out from the nurse's desk as he played with a rubix cube Kyle tossed him as she walked Blaine down to his session. He looked up to see Brad from the yard yesterday smiling at him.
"Your dad's here, you know where the mess hall is right?" Kurt immediately smiled at the mention of his Dad and answered with a nod.
"Alright I'll unlock the doors for you and all you have to do is go there and he should be waiting for you." The nurse smiled and stood up with his keys in hand. Kurt stood up and followed him to the door as he turned the key and opened the door. Kurt shot him a thankful smile before going out into the hallway and basically power walking to the cafeteria.
Once he reached the entry way he peered around and saw Jeff and Colene before spotting his dad sitting at his own table. His skipped over and his dad stood up within seconds wrapping his arms tightly around his son.
"Dad." Kurt greeted breathily hugged his Dad back before pulling away and giving him a small smile.
"Hey kiddo." Burt smiled back before sitting back down and gesturing to the empty seat next to him for Kurt to sit down in. Kurt settled into the chair and looked up at his Dad, he had an unreadable expression on his face and it tore Kurt apart.
"This place treating you okay?" Burt asked taking a quick look around the room.
"Surprisingly yeah-I mean the staff is nice and I haven't been to the counselor yet but I'll probably go tomorrow." Kurt replied quietly and Burt just nodded in acknowledgement. They silent for a moment and Kurt new why his father was so quiet, he had a question. A question that any parent would ask their child if they we're to attempt suicide and holding it off was only causing unsettling tension.
"Dad I know what you're thinking and you should know it wasn't because of you." Kurt attempted to soothe but it only ended in his father's face crumpling up in preparation to cry, Kurt heart was sinking.
"I could've stopped it, I should have kept a closer eye on you…looked out for-out for signs or somethin'. Whatever made you feel…that way I-I could have put an end to it, I could've protected you." Burt's voice broke when he spoke as tears slipped off his cheeks.
"You…You didn't know, Dad." Kurt whispered as he started to shed a few tears and reached out for his fathers had, entwining their fingers.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
"Niiick, scoot over." Colene whined to her friend who was sitting in the center of the nest but did what he was told. She immediately threw herself in the spot next to him and laid her head on his shoulder.
"I take it that you didn't have a good time with your visitor?" Nick asked as he picked lint from his sleeping pants.
"Like usual…how was your session?" Colene tilted her head up enough to peer at Nick's eyes.
"Didn't talk about much really…" He mumbled a looked down at the hideous green carpet floor.
Colene simply stayed quiet; any other person would ask what they talked about but she knew from experience that pushing Nick would only piss him off. She didn't know much about Nick but at the same time he didn't know much about her. But she could tell that whatever was going on with him must be pretty impacting.
She sat up from the cushioned bench and patted her friend's knee.
"C'mon the rest of the guys will be back soon." She said as she headed out the room. Nick let out one last sigh before getting up from the bench.
x-x-x-x-x-x
Sorry if this is too long. Basically every two chapters will equal a day I guess, hope that isn't too much. Let me know what you think, I'm going to start working on the next chapter as soon as possible.