Apocalypse Week
Chapter 2: ZOMBIES!
Penny crawled out of bed at fifteen minutes before eight, her hand slamming against her alarm clock a few times in a hopeless gesture to make it stop blaring at her. She had only gotten back from dancing and drinking around three in the morning and she was hung over.
Or possibly still a little drunk.
Whatever it was, the sound of her alarm clock made her teeth hurt, and after mentally consulting her calendar she determined she did not, in fact, have work that morning. So why the heck was her alarm clock going off?
Oh right, she had made a commitment to Sheldon. Part of her wanted to mentally say screw him and go back to sleep, but her brain kept picturing how hurt he would look if she had pushed him away at Saturnalia, which she never would have done, and she blamed that on Leonard's subtle (but not) manipulation. Plus, she had to admit she was a little intrigued about this whole Apocalypse thing.
So she downed two aspirin and a large glass of water, took a quick shower, and managed to enter apartment 4A with seconds to spare.
Someone handed her a mug of coffee, she suspected it might have been Leonard, but she couldn't say for sure, and she bypassed both Howard and Raj on the couch to sit on the only available seat. In the back of her mind she knew she was sitting in Sheldon's spot, so she prepared for his yelling and twitching accordingly.
Instead he stopped in front of his white board and scribbled ZOMBIES across the top.
It seemed the three boys stopped breathing simultaneously.
"Zombies," Howard sighed elatedly.
"Here you go, Penny," Raj whispered beside her, causing her to jump and almost spill coffee everywhere. He handed her a notebook with a pen jammed in the spiral. "I find it easier to remember Sheldon if I take notes."
She looked at it in dread. What had she gotten herself into? There was a reason she didn't finish community college and that was because she hated waking up early in the morning and trying to learn things that didn't really apply to real life. "Thanks," she hissed out of the side of her mouth.
And hey, Raj was talking to her only with the aid of a placebo, and Sheldon had covered all the horrible behaviour that happened when he drank alcohol as things the drug wouldn't cause, so she was about to get a day full of Raj talking to her. That was lovely. Not worth being bored to tears, but lovely all the same.
"Zombies!" Sheldon expressed dramatically, underlining the word three times. "What do we know about them?"
"They're the undead!" Howard yelled enthusiastically.
"Caused by a virus which reanimates dead flesh and can be passed through contact of fluids," Raj continued.
"It doesn't have to be a virus," Howard argued.
"Well a virus is the only thing scientifically possible dude. What else would it be? Magic? Voodoo reanimation? Maybe Anita Blake lost control of her powers."
"Large scale radiation," Leonard suggested.
"Don't you think Hiroshima would have zombies? Chernobyl?" Raj retorted.
"A different kind of radiation. A new kind. Maybe something in development now."
"Maybe something from outer space," Howard scoffed.
"Hey, don't mock outer space!" Raj defended. "There are 54 new known planets that could potentially have life, who's to say there isn't some pathogen out there that when introduced to Earth's atmosphere renaminates the dead? Clark Kent got superpowers from the sun, why can't some innocuous bacterium make zombies?" He then seemed to realize he was arguing against the previous point he had made, about a virus being the only scientific explanation. "Oh, balls."
"What else do we know?" Sheldon prompted before the boys could get into another argument about what would cause a zombie apocalypse. Penny was impressed; usually he was all over the act of expressing his own beliefs, and wouldn't allow a subject to move on before he was able to get his two cents worth in.
No one else seemed to find it strange, but Penny was starting to get a little weirded out. First he didn't say anything about her sitting in his spot and now he was ignoring his chance to correct his friends.
Observation: Sheldon's acting weird. She scrawled in her notebook.
"Usually they hunger for live humans or react violently towards humans in their vicinity. They are a threat to humans, basically." Leonard.
Observation: Apocalypse Week is about stating the obvious. Sheldon's not berating anyone for saying things that are common sense and safe. That's also weird.
She looked up to see them all staring at her to add what she knew about zombies. "Uh," she said, feeling the pressure of their gazes. In fifth grade she had a teacher who took great pleasure in calling upon students who had weaknesses in the particular subject she was teaching, and Penny had been asked far too many math questions than she ever cared for and had eventually learned to fake it. This felt like that, only worse because she actually kind of wanted to impress these people with her answer. Common sense, she reminded herself. It was her forte. "As far as I know, there hasn't been an actual zombie outbreak, so there's really nothing I know about them or how they act. I could... base an answer off assumptions made in movies?"
"Exactly!" Sheldon shouted, pointing his dry erase marker at her. He turned to the white board and wrote 'conjecture' and 'unpredictable' on the board. "So how do we prepare for a threat that we don't know the details of, Penny?"
Penny went silent, thinking of his question and of all the zombie movies she had seen in the past. "Well, we might not know anything about zombies, but we know plenty about what kind of damage the human body can take. I mean, it doesn't really matter if it's a living person or a dead person, but completely destroying the body would probably stop it. I don't know, it is difficult to answer a question like that without assuming stuff."
Sheldon was staring at her intently. She was beginning to get a little unnerved by his stare when he didn't say anything and simply observed her. What? Was she wrong? She looked at the boys for help, hoping their expressions might give her an answer as to what she had done. Their faces didn't give her any clues. Only Raj looked back at her, and he seemed just as confused as she was.
"That's a good answer," Raj told him in her defence.
"Wouldn't destroying the entire body be overkill? Destroy the central nervous system, destroy the zombie." Leonard said. "The brain," he elaborated.
"No!" Penny exclaimed, turning towards him. "You are making assumptions. If they're dead, who knows if their brain is even working? I thought that zombies were usually considered brainless anyway and that's why they're dangerous. So why can't a zombie continue moving even if we totally cut off its head? How do we know?"
"A headless zombie wouldn't be much of a threat," Howard told her, ending the sentence with something that sounded like a pfft.
Penny narrowed her eyes at him.
"It could still bleed on you dude," Raj informed him.
Observation: Raj is a sweetheart. Howard is not.
"Based off Penny's opinion on the relationship between human physiology and zombies, what would be the most effective weaponry?"
Penny might not know anything about physics, zombies, or most things in between, but she knew a heck of a lot about hunting. She smirked at Sheldon, feeling a bit destructive. "Fire," she said in a low, dangerous voice.
Howard literally jumped in his seat and looked terrified as Sheldon gave her a small smirk back.
"Explosives," Raj suggested helpfully.
"Flesh eating acid?" Leonard asked uncertainly.
"Hold on," Penny inserted, holding up one of her hands. "Where are we going to get this stuff? I mean, if the dead were to suddenly rise overnight, wouldn't we be kind of limited to what we have at home? I don't know about you guys, but I don't think I have anything corrosive enough under my sink that would melt a zombie quick enough to save my life if it stumbled through my front door." Wow, Penny realized, nerd was contagious.
"Penny," Howard answered scornfully, "we're scientists."
"Yeah, but wouldn't you need to get supplies from Caltech?"
"Well at least it isn't as primitive as fire."
"Fire is effective!" Penny yelled. "Clothes go whoosh, zombie cooks."
"Sheldon?" Leonard asked. "Do you want to mediate this with facts from your font of knowledge?"
"No," He said. "I find this fascinating."
"The human body doesn't burn easily. You'd need some sort of incineratory device or..."
"Ah ha, very good!" Sheldon exclaimed as though he had subtly directed the entire conversation to end exactly where he wanted it to. Knowing Sheldon, he probably had. His marker was scribbling across the whiteboard again, and when he moved back it said 'Molotov Cocktail.' "If you will proceed to work station one," he pointed to the kitchen island, "we can begin our first tutorial."
"No way!" Howard exclaimed in excitement, and suddenly Penny was on the same page he was. Sheldon had set up what looked like a chemistry experiment she had to do back in high school, but instead of it being some lame experiment she'd never use again, he had set up five settings, each with a recipe for a homemade bomb and the ingredients all labelled and available in the center.
This was far more awesome than high school, and possibly even something she would remember. Howard was right. Sheldon was awesome.
Then the voice of reason had to speak up and ruin it.
"Sheldon!" Leonard exclaimed. "We can't make bombs in the apartment. I'm pretty sure that's illegal, not to mention that this much lighter fluid in such a small space is probably hazardous to our health."
"It's not real lighter fluid, Leonard," Sheldon told him with a long-suffering sigh. "It is merely meant to represent the proper procedures in creating a Molotov Cocktail, otherwise known as a fire bomb, gasoline bomb or fire bottle."
Both Howard and Raj immediately looked at the instructions Sheldon had printed up and started mixing. Leonard was still staring in distaste at the whole thing, and Penny really ungenerously wondered how he could blow things up all the time on Halo 3, or more aptly, in the Resident Evil games, and be so pacifistic about his own survival against real zombies.
"Ok," Penny said, feeling a little put out in the face of all the chemistry. She could barely read the instructions, even though she had a feeling Sheldon had dumbed them down for her. "Is it like cooking or is it like baking?"
The three stooges looked at her in confusion.
"Very astute, Penny," Sheldon told her. "Though this is a recipe, ratios aren't entirely important when faced with time constraints."
Penny beamed at him.
"Gentlemen, may I remind you that Penny is not in possession of a PhD, or even a Masters, but she has a firmer grasp on the important questions than you do."
Howard scowled at her. "Teacher's pet," he mumbled under his breath.
Raj gave her a discrete thumbs up.
"Is this really necessary?" Leonard asked.
"Typically, the Molotov is made by filling a glass container with a flammable substance such as fuel or napalm," Sheldon started to lecture, ignoring Leonard completely. "A wick, typically made from a rag and soaked in some kind of combustible, is then added and the bottle is stopped. In order to activate the Molotov as a viable weapon, one simply lights the wick and throws the bottle at the target."
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning," Raj muttered, taking a whiff of the jug of water labelled thus.
"Why dish soap?" Penny asked, squirting a good amount of Palmolive into her glass bottle along with the water-that-was-fuel.
"Once the glass container breaks, the contents spray over the target and ignite. The dish detergent acts as a thickening agent and allows the burning liquid to adhere to the target. Alternatively, one could also use tar, sugar, egg whites, or even blood."
"Tasty," she muttered sardonically as she finished her first bottle. "Aren't these only as good as you can throw?"
"That's the idea."
"So shouldn't Leonard, like, learn how to make them really well so that those of us who can actually hit the broad side of a building can be used to the best of their abilities. Like an assembly line?"
Howard and Raj snickered. Leonard glared.
x.x.x.x.
They were all outside in the park across the street from their apartment building. Sheldon made Leonard and Raj drag out two trays of bottled water. At first, Penny thought they were going to be doing some sort of exercises that they would need a supply to quench their thirst, but then Sheldon dragged out a dummy from one of the bedrooms – though she'd been in both rooms, and had never seen it before – and carried it under his arm and across the street. He directed the boys to drop the water, which they did almost literally since they had no upper body strength to speak of.
Penny thought, though she wasn't sure, that Sheldon had some kind of reward system going on. The worse you did during his lectures, the more work he made you do to earn his approval. She only noticed this because he seemed to be favouring her and Howard in subtle ways. Like not making her carry bottles of water, though she was probably the only one physically able to lift them.
Sheldon moved about twenty feet away from them, setting up his dummy and then sauntering back towards them. Casually, he picked up one of the water bottles and threw it at the dummy.
It missed, veering a little to the right. Sheldon glared at it briefly, but then turned to the four of them. "We're going to practice our aim. There's no point in including the Molotov Cocktail to our arsenal if none of us can adequately throw one. Who wants to go first?"
"I DO!" Howard exclaimed, shooting Penny a triumphant look, as if she was trying to fight him for the honour of 'firsties' or something. He was sadly mistaken if he thought they were competing to be Sheldon's model pupil.
Obviously she was pwning him.
Howard grabbed one of the bottles and threw it. He didn't let go of it soon enough and it slammed into the ground at his feet, the plastic crinkling, but not breaking.
"Well done," Sheldon said. "You just killed yourself."
"At least then he's safe from zombies," Raj snickered.
"Let's see Penny do better," Howard said defensively. Oh yeah, he was definitely competing with her.
"Sure," Penny said casually, pushing up the sleeve of her shirt. "You know, my dad used to call me slugger for a reason, right?" She grabbed the water bottle and tossed it in the air once, deftly catching it. The water inside did strange things to the stability of her toss, and she realized the trajectory could be completely off. She threw, but overcompensated for the sloshing liquid and it went right over the head of the dummy.
"Oh bravo slugger," Howard said sarcastically. "Maybe you should stick to using your arm for other purposes. In fact—"
"Don't finish that sentence," Penny warned. "You saw that I just over-threw that toss, why would you think it would be smart to antagonize someone with my strength? Slugger didn't just refer to my throwing arm, I have a mean right hook. I could pummel you."
Howard eased himself behind Raj. "You're up, buddy," he said, pushing Raj forward.
"No problem dude," Raj said as he swooped to pick up a bottle and then drilled it at the dummy. It slammed against the head, knocking it clean off. Penny stared at him incredulously and she wasn't the only one. Raj shrugged off the attention humbly. "We have baseball where I'm from you know. As a child I didn't have cushy amenities like baseballs in the slums of India and had to make do with whatever the street kids and I could find. Bottles, rocks, socks stuffed with garbage."
"You didn't live in a slum," Leonard protested. "I've seen pictures of your house. Your life is basically Lalita's from Bride and Prejudice."
"That's true," Raj agreed. "I'm just waiting to meet my Mr. Darcy."
"That's sweet," Penny said, tongue in cheek. "Leonard, you gonna give it a go?" She smiled warmly at him, encouraging. He perked right up at the attention.
"Sure," he shrugged. He missed. By a lot.
Observation: Leonard sucks.
Penny refrained from pointing out that she had anticipated pitcher having a rubber arm as far as he was concerned. She didn't really have as much of a leg to stand on for this one. She had missed too, but then so did Sheldon.
Penny made sure she didn't miss again.
x.x.x.x.
A/N: Thanks for the wonderful responses to the first chapter of this story. I hope I continue to astonish and awe XD. I'd love to hear what you think of the story so far. The next chapters will be longer, I promise. This chapter had the unfortunate distinction of being right before a long scene that can't be split up.
I just finished rewatching season 3 of Bones. Wasn't that Gormagon ending a real kicker?