Apocalypse Week
Chapter 4: Penny - Zombie Slayer
The boys turned out to be pretty bad at hitting stationary targets, even if they had played Duck Hunt during vintage video game night a few weeks ago, played Halo 3 ever week, and had a variety of other occasions to practice their skills. Of course, those were all virtual in nature. In real life, the ducks pwned them. Apparently, every year Leonard was unable to hit a single target while both Raj and Howard kept a complicated point system, with Howard getting 107 points and Raj 103. Considering head shots were worth 50, this wasn't very promising.
In a fight against zombies, her only ally was Sheldon. Likewise, she was his only ally.
Once they were done at the range, Sheldon dragged them all back to his apartment and made them eat MREs. Penny hadn't even known what an MRE was before that point, and truthfully never wanted to know what they were after Sheldon handed her a small package with Meals Ready-to-Eat across the front. "Why?" she asked once he walked away from her to hand the packages out to Raj and Howard powwowing about something on the other side of the room.
"Don't ask," Leonard sighed, comparing their packages of food. He then sighed heavily.
Poor Leonard, he was lucky this was all for play because he really was the weakest link. Penny wasn't sure that even with her skills and Sheldon's combined that they could keep him alive for any amount of time with actual zombies. Leonard was such an albatross around all their necks, completely and utterly incompetent. No wonder this week made him so cranky. He failed spectacularly at even the easiest self-preservation task. Of course, considering this was all make-believe, she understood that he probably just didn't have proper motivation. Running for your life when there wasn't anything chasing you was almost the same as dieting without a weight goal or a tiny dress to fit into (while working with cheesecake). There just wasn't any real drive.
At least, she hoped that was the reason. She gave him an empathetic smile.
"Why?" Penny repeated.
He shrugged. "I don't know why. It's another one of Sheldon's whack-a-doodle ways." Leonard gave her a small smile and patted her shoulder softly, in that uncertain way of his. "You know how he is."
She did, but she didn't think that was a good enough answer.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" she asked Leonard, but he had already noticed Sheldon approaching and was moving around the other side of the island, away from him, her, both of them. She was kind of relieved, but at the same time she had no idea how to get the food out of the little package it was in, and Sheldon very rarely actively helped people. He was of the school of thought that people should be able to figure things out on their own. "Leonard!" Penny called after him. "How am I supposed to eat this? It's cold and gross looking!"
"Here," Sheldon said, taking the flameless ration heater out of her pack and adding water. "You see, the packs use an exothermic chemical reaction through the process of oxidation-reduction of magnesium in order to heat the food without the use of a flame. Magnesium was selected because it is readily oxidized, owing to the fact it only has two electrons in its valence shell. Just add a small amount of water and it will quickly reach the boiling point, heating your food." He explained all this as his fingers quickly set up what was supposed to be her supper. "Combined with a generous quantity of granola bars, I have a large enough supply that the five of us could survive for about 6 months if they're rationed carefully."
Penny's heart swelled a little at the idea of being included in such a long term plan.
"Of course," Sheldon mused. "Considering Leonard's skills, I estimate he will not be using many, if any, of his allotted rations. Each of us could potentially have up to an extra 36 days."
"Why?" she asked. "I mean, what's the point of eating these?"
Sheldon gave her a surprised glace, his eyebrows furrowed in mild disbelief. "I will be lecturing on the subject later in the week. I've already prepared a powerpoint." He pulled her food out and handed it to her. Penny wrinkled her nose in distaste, but accepted the food without comment.
"But I want to know now," she told him, pointing the plastic spoon provided with her meal at the mush in front of her. "I think if you want me to eat this without plotting to go out for pizza later like Howard, Raj and Leonard are doing over there, you're going to have to explain it to me. I'm curious."
"Survival," he said, his voice stressing surprise at the fact she didn't know that. "What if the food supply is contaminated?"
Penny frowned at him. Seriously, she wasn't made to be thinking this much, but he seemed to enjoy it when she got something right, and it wasn't too bad when she was wrong, really, because he did try to educate her though it rarely worked. "Yeah, but wouldn't it be easier to contaminate the water?"
"Yes," Sheldon simply said. "That is why I have a supply of bottled water as well, in addition to a distilling system."
Penny's mouth opened. "That's impossible!" She said. "I've seen your room. There's no place for you to keep all this stuff. Do you have a secret lair or something?"
Sheldon's eyebrows winged up in shock and he jerked to attention, almost reeling backwards in surprise. "Penny, you've lived across from us for two years now. You should know about the third bedroom."
"Third bedroom?" Penny echoed sharply. "You don't have a third bedroom! You've just got two bedrooms, a bathroom, and a supply closet for your comic-con costumes and stuff."
"Penny, Penny, Penny," Sheldon chided. "That is just the front. I would have thought Leonard would have shown you. He spends an undue amount of time trying to impress you," he told her, pulling her towards the back rooms. Leonard looked up as they passed and goggled at what looked like Sheldon forcefully dragging her back to his bedroom.
Actually, the fact Sheldon's hand was anywhere near her wrist was kind of strange now that she thought about it.
Instead he bypassed both rooms and threw open the third door. She really had thought it was a small closet that they kept their various costumes stored in, as well as some of the larger props they had that weren't in the main room, but Sheldon pressed against the back wall and it slid open, revealing a large space with walls lined in metal shelves.
"Oh my god, is that a panic room?" She was gaping. Wow. This was craaazy.
"No, no, no Penny, please think before you speak. A panic room, by its very definition, is a fortified space installed in a private residence or business to provide a secure hiding location for the inhabitants in the event of a break-in, home invasion, or other threat. Leonard and I do not own this apartment and the landlord refused permission to any and all permanent structure altering changes I proposed. What you see is a lesser concept. It is simply a hidden room."
Penny shook her head at him, her mouth opened in awe. He had boxes upon boxes of non-perishable food supplies, stacked for shelves upon shelves. There were jugs of water, entire med-kits that looked far more complicated than the simple emergency first aid kit she kept on a shelf in her bathroom, and... was that a defibrillator? She was pretty sure it was. She'd once gotten a call back as a nameless paramedic on Grey's Anatomy, and though she didn't get the part, they had asked her to convincingly use one.
"Generators, right?" she asked, pointing to two machines set up in the corner. She'd grown up on a farm and recognised the crank generator. She wouldn't have been able to identify the second machine, but knowing Sheldon's organized mind, it had to be something along the same lines.
"Indeed."
"This is really impressive Sheldon," Penny told him, her eyes trying to take it all in. She was sure she was looking at years worth of purchases and collection, all to prepare for an eventuality that might not even happen.
"It's a rudimentary attempt compared to what I would like to do."
"What's that?" she asked, hiking herself up on the table in the middle of the room. From where she was sitting she could see various bedrolls and sleeping bags. One was definitely Batman, and she was pretty sure she knew who that belonged to. The one on the top looked to be Hello Kitty, and she smiled unbiddenly at the idea of him preparing for her specifically. She was sure these sleeping bags would withstand extreme temperatures because Sheldon didn't do things in halves. She kind of wanted to know where he got it.
"I would like to devise a structure that is airproof, waterproof and impermeable to outside forces. Naturally, it would have to have a number of life support systems all running off grid."
"Like a bomb shelter?" Penny asked. She was starting to get the hang of talking to Sheldon. If you asked a semi-interesting question that was related to what he was talking about, but veered off the rant he was likely to go on, they were able to maintain chit-chat for longer before she felt the need to bail on him and hide in her room when she heard him in the hallway. Of course, some things she just didn't know enough about to divert him, but surprisingly the sound of his voice wasn't as grating as it used to be, so Penny didn't really mind when he went off about science as much anymore. "We've got one of those on the farm. My grandfather and great grandfather built it decades ago. Just between you and me, I don't think it would withstand a bomb landing on it, and considering their solution to ventilation was to stick air vents back up to the surface, I doubt the family would have been very protected against radiation. We keep crops and stuff down there now, like a storage cellar, and I used to sit there and imagine what level of fear it would take to build something like that in rural Nebraska. Of course, I'm sure you'd think it was prudent or something."
"The concept isn't completely without merit but it sounds like the execution left a lot to be desired. Do you know the exact construction date? If it was during World War II there is a possibility that such a shelter would have been marginally effective against generic bombs, but if it is a Cold War relic and was built to withstand the fallout of a nuclear attack, then I believe it was a wasted effort based on what information you have told me."
Penny grinned at him. "Sorry Moonpie, I have no idea. My parents never told me and I never asked."
He gave her a disapproving look. "That's how families, and on a macro level entire societies, lose their cultural heritage."
"You turning into a sociologist now?" Penny teased, grateful she watched a lot of television so she could occasionally throw out words like sociologist and sound like she almost knew what she was talking about. Thank you Bones.
"Hardly," Sheldon sneered. "Sociology as a discipline is the study of common sense. As with all the social sciences, the use of the term science is a misnomer. Any subject that uses empirical research instead of hard fact leads to a purely subjective and inherently flawed knowledge base."
"Uh huh," Penny said, hopping off the table to distract him by movement. She sauntered over to the wall that made this a hidden room and looked closely at it, poking it with a finger. "And science is the pure investigation of fact yadda yadda. Scientist are never wrong blah blah and never misinterpret their research deliberately so it fits the hypothesis they were trying to prove. Does the landlord know you installed this? I mean, it's just some drywall and I could probably successfully throw you through it, but if he didn't want you changing the structure of the apartment then I bet he doesn't know about this huh?"
Sheldon's eye twitched and he gave her a hard look. "You are not incorrect," he finally said grudgingly.
Penny smiled cheekily. "That chuffs you, doesn't it? When I'm right about something?" She patted his cheek softly and turned to leave his secret room. "Don't worry about it, it doesn't happen that often. I promise it won't become a trend."
x.x.x.
Penny was starting to understand that Apocalypse Week was Sheldon's version of Anything Can Happen Thursday, only concentrated into a week-long event. It was like he threw out the rule book for one week only and became someone she barely even recognised. He was a force of discipline, but managed to couple it with fun and frankly surprising activities that only highlighted the difference between every day Sheldon and Sheldon fighting for his own survival. It reminded her slightly of his forcefulness while making Penny Blossoms, coupled with Halo strategy and with a dash of genuine concern for his friends. All things Penny knew Sheldon was capable of, but he rarely hinted at.
There was also that sense of playfulness she never would have attributed to crazy ol' Sheldon Cooper, but was obviously present. It wasn't like she was seeing a different side of him, but like Apocalypse Week stripped away extraneous parts of his personality and reinforced others.
It was out of the realm of things she expected to happen, but she couldn't really see it as out of character either.
This, though, this was what Howard meant when he said Sheldon was made of awesome.
"Each skirmish will last exactly thirty minutes or until there is a lone survivor, whichever happens first. We will base this exercise off the theory that the zombie virus is transmitted through bodily fluids, and so in order to turn a human into a zombie, you must mime the process of biting your prey. This will be based entirely on the honour system, so no cheating!" Here he looked at Penny. "When you die, whether from being infected by the virus or through being slaughtered by Team Human, it is mandatory that you take a two minute time-out where you fall. Are there any questions?"
"How are we dividing into teams?" Raj asked. "Are you using some kind of algorithm?"
"I wrote a computer program that randomly determines who plays the role of the zombie. It is designed to discard names after they are selected."
"Like pulling names out of a hat?" Penny asked, amused at how complicated they made things sometimes.
Sheldon bristled. "Nothing as crude."
"It's exactly like pulling names out of a hat," Raj said succinctly. "Only it probably took him longer to write the program than it would to rip up pieces of paper."
"Hardly, it's a simple program."
"That's true, it probably would have taken him the same amount of time considering Sheldon probably needs each piece of paper placed inside the hat to be exactly the same size and folded in exactly the same manner. He would have measured."
"Fine!" Penny expressed, throwing up her hands in exasperation. "It's easier this way." It really wasn't. It was just easier to let this one go. "So who's first?"
Sheldon pressed the enter button on his laptop. "Howard."
x.x.x.
Howard didn't stay the only zombie for long. Within minutes, he had bitten and converted Leonard (no surprise) and the two of them maintained a base behind the island.
"Howard knows I like the island as a defensive position," Sheldon said, crouched beside her behind the couch. Raj was on her right, and kept moving the toy plastic sword Sheldon had supplied each member of Team Human with. It wasn't much of a weapon, made of hollow plastic and less than two feet long, but all that matter was what they represented. Penny couldn't help but wonder if Sheldon had any real swords hidden somewhere for decapitating zombies. He'd hinted he had an entire arsenal more effective for fighting zombies than the 9mm guns he let the boys play with, so a sword wasn't out of the realm of possibility. She was even more curious as to whether he knew how to use one. That would be a hidden facet she couldn't even begin to imagine.
If he did, she wondered if they'd be getting any lessons any time soon. If not, maybe she'd recommend they get some for next year's Apocalypse Week. At least then she'd learn new skills.
Raj couldn't seem to find a comfortable position for his fake sword. He tried hanging it from his belt at his side but it kept sliding around and he couldn't easily retrieve it without some major fumbling. He tried putting it down the back of his shirt like he had probably seen in a dozen ninja movies, but without a sheath the hilt fell through his collar and he ended up losing the sword down his back until it fell out. Finally, he tried sticking it down his pants along his thigh, but found he was unable to crouch effectively.
"You wouldn't be able to do that with a real blade," she hissed at him. His fidgeting worried her because she didn't know whether the zombies could detect movement – not that the living room was very big or that Howard and Leonard didn't know exactly where they were, it was just that she was getting into the scenario and could instead see how all his little impatient movements could be detrimental to their cause – and the fact at most times Raj was adjusting his sword, his water gun was resting uselessly on the ground, too far away for him to grab it if they were attacked.
Her own water gun hadn't left her hands, and though her stance was relaxed, she could have it aimed and the trigger squeezed within seconds. She had shoved the sword through her belt when Sheldon handed it to her, tested to make sure she could reach it a few times and then forgot about it. Currently, the little plastic hilt was digging into her waist but she barely even felt it.
She could hear them, scrambling like mice across the hardwood floor. Penny swivelled away from Raj, her eye meeting Sheldon's for a moment. He motioned to her and then to the left and she nodded.
He returned the nod and suddenly they both stood, looking over the back of the couch. Both of the zombies scrambled backwards at their sudden appearance. Penny got Leonard right between the eyes with water from her water gun, drops spraying across his glasses. Howard had managed to turn his body part way towards the kitchen before Sheldon fell him. To give Howard credit, he dropped immediately, pressing the little timer button on his watch before playing dead.
Leonard was still standing, blinking water out of his eyes and trying to swipe his glasses with his sleeve. He was giving her a look of utter betrayal, like she had just kicked his puppy or something.
"Leonard!" Sheldon said from behind her. "If I had realized the honour system would be too difficult for you to understand, I would have devised some sort of knock out method."
"Tasers," Penny suggested happily, nodding along with him. "Then he would have been shocked into remembering. Like conditioning or whatever it's called."
"Yes," Sheldon mused. "I will make a note of that for next year."
Now the boys were all giving her varying looks of betrayal, fear and disbelief. Even Howard had lifted his head from his death, and he was the one taking the game the most seriously.
"You won't think that's such a good idea when you get shot by one," Raj pointed out.
Penny waved him away. The chance of any of these guys actually shooting her was pretty slim. With the exception of Sheldon, who would probably tase her without prejudice.
"The problem with tasers would be that people commonly pee themselves when electrocuted like that," Penny said conversationally as she stepped behind the kitchen island. "I mean, sure it's a good thing for a single girl who works late in a part of town that gets a little rowdy after dark. Not that I really need a taser to help me take someone down. I used to wrestle bulls and all that, but junkies all strung out on drugs and stuff are a bit more difficult to take down than a bull, but then they don't really respond well to tasers either." Penny frowned.
"Is there a point to your run-on sentence?" Sheldon asked.
"There was," Penny mused as she moved. "But I forget what it was. I got distracted wondering why I would want to own a taser." She didn't miss the way Sheldon's eye twitched as he followed her around the island. "Oh, right," she continued. "My point is that if we used tasers for one of your games, the setting would have to be really low or we'd have to worry about people peeing their pants. And doesn't Howard have a bad heart?"
"Yes," Sheldon responded. "I have already taken all those factors into account and rejected the idea to use tasers at some point in the future. It was an interesting concept initially, but I do not believe it would be prudent in practice."
"Wow Sheldon, you're talking as if she suggested tasers like two days ago instead of two minutes," Raj pointed out, still standing in the middle of the living room. "I realize your brain works faster than other people—" he started to say but was cut off by the sound of Howard's watch alarm going off. Raj's eyes widened in horror at the sound, and he managed to take one step forward before Howard latched himself around Raj's legs.
Raj went down with an eep.
"Well, he should have seen that coming," Penny said sardonically as she and Sheldon lowered themselves behind the counter of the kitchen island. "Maybe we should have been better teammates and warned him."
"I do not have much use for teammates who are not aware of what is occurring around them."
"I know you don't sweetie," Penny said pleasantly, able to feel the solid length of his arm next to hers. They weren't quite touching, but she could sense him just beyond her skin and the cloth of her jacket. It was a comforting sensation, as though with him beside her she didn't have as much to worry about because he could take care of himself. "But if this was real life we wouldn't have just left him there. We would have dragged him with us."
"True. We may have needed his throwing arm if we were to establish a half-way decent perimeter," Sheldon conceded.
"Why aren't they moving?" Penny questioned, raising her head slightly above the bar and peeking. She couldn't see the boys, which meant they were either closer than she thought, directly out of her line out sight on the other side of the island, or they had regrouped behind the couch. Penny couldn't say for absolute certainty, but she was pretty sure they weren't close. She would have heard them. "I think they're using Raj's death to take a break."
"They are likely strategizing. We should remain vigilant."
"You're kidding right? They're probably searching the bookcase for snacks." She could feel him tense up beside her and she reviewed what he said in her mind. "I mean, we should totally remain vigilant, but the reality is they probably think we're impenetrable and gave up."
"I've never been able to motivate Leonard," Sheldon mused. "That man would probably walk right up to a zombie and get bitten just to get it over with, but Raj and Howard have always participated enthusiastically."
"Don't you get it?" she asked, her attention divided between him and listening for movement in the living room. She could hear murmuring, but no real sounds that would cause alarm. If she was a betting gal, she'd put money on them complaining rather than trying to plan a way to take her and Sheldon down.
"Get what, Penny?"
"Why none of them are participating the way you want them to. Why they're not taking this seriously. Why Leonard only participates half-heartedly."
"There's nothing to 'get,'" he answered, his voice strained as he emphasized the over-used colloquialism.
She snorted. "Ok, look, the problem is they don't have any real motivations," Penny said. "Howard is trying to prove himself. Raj doesn't really care but thinks it is fun, but Leonard fails at everything and doesn't think it's fun at all. He's a major cranky puss about the whole week. What you need to do is develop a skill that Leonard can do and the others can't, so Leonard will feel smart and useful for once. It'll work for all of them. They need to feel good about themselves, to believe that they're learning something. At least give them tangible rewards besides maybe living in the future, something that will drive them, like a competition."
"I don't put much stock in theories based on the vagaries of psychology and sentiment, and that sounds suspiciously like psychology, Penny."
Penny shrugged. "Sure, whatever Sheldon. It's mostly just common sense. You want the little monkeys to perform, you dangle bait in front of their faces."
Sheldon made a noise of derision.
"Just you wait and see," she told him. "They're not going to put up much of an effort now. You and I are too much of a force."
Sadly, she was right. The minutes droned on in silence, counting down to the end of the half-hour skirmish.
"What's your motivation?" Sheldon asked curiously with less than five minutes on the clock, his blue eyes briefly casting towards her.
"What?"
"By your reckoning, the reason Leonard, Howard and Raj are not performing sufficiently is they lack 'real motivation.' By that logic, you should also be performing at a sub-par level. I have observed that you rarely put effort into activities you don't want to do and being forced makes you cranky, however, today you have played along admirably. What motivates you?"
What motivated her? That was a good question, and one she didn't think she could easily answer, especially to herself. "Oh, you know," she responded vaguely, brushing him off. "It's good practice for my acting. Actresses are always asked to immerse themselves into a role, and right now I'm Penny, Zombie Slayer."
She probably shouldn't have been so relieved when he nodded as though her answer made sense. It did bad things to her denial.
What was her motivation?
x.x.x.
A/N: As always, thanks for reading. I hope you're enjoying it so far. Third bedroom - believable or not? I think it's a very Sheldon-y thing to do.