Apocalypse Week
Aliens!
The schedule didn't change much for the following days, except Sheldon scheduled track and field and the gun range during her work hours. Basically, all she got were his boring lectures in the morning and the fun skirmishes in the evening.
The next day was devoted to the process of fighting aliens, which were even more complicated and difficult to anticipate than zombies were. Sheldon started the day off asking what the group knew about aliens. They knew even more, but at the same time less, than they did about zombies, and Penny ended up being the one to remind them, yet again, that everything they mentioned about little grey men and space blobs were things they had seen off movies and television.
"Come on guys, I know Doctor Who is like amazing and stuff, but even it can't predict what aliens are going to be like."
Sheldon was more grudging about admitting she was right this time. "The one thing Doctor Who is good for is refraining from typecasting a certain type of alien, or planet. It shows a diverse range of possibilities for the infinite unknown variables that could potentially make up non-Earth lifeforms," Sheldon argued, defending his favourite show. "Given the possibility of cloaking technology the chances of extra terrestrials already being among us is 3.54 percent."
"I'd say it's higher than that," Penny pointed out, giving Sheldon a meaningful glance. He was back to wearing his not-jeans, t-shirt and long-sleeved shirt combo and Penny thought she would now be able to put the weirdness of finding him attractive behind her. Apparently, he only brought out his heavy-duty clothing for skirmishes. Penny considered it a good thing she didn't have an added distraction while he was lecturing. "What planet are you from again?"
"Vulcan," Howard reminded them all. "Sheldon doesn't have the ears or the green blood, so maybe he knows more about that cloaking technology than he's letting on, but he does share a lot of the same behavioural mannerisms with Mr. Spock."
Sheldon inclined his head towards Howard, not necessarily agreeing with him, but acknowledging what he was saying.
Raj, bouncing in excitement over a topic that was close to his heart, spoke up. "Did you know Andrei Finkelstein recently claimed we will find extraterrestrial life in the next two decades? He wasn't basing that on any science fiction, either, but the fact we have now accounted for over a thousand exoplanets, some of which are situated where the temperature is right for water to exist as a liquid in relation to the star they orbit. Finkelstein said there will be life on such planets if there is water. And guess what, guys, there will be water because astronomers have now deduced that when a star is born it forms jets that blast epic quantities of water into interstellar space, seeding the universe in life. How cool is that?"
"The Drake equation postulates," Sheldon started, writing a long equation on his whiteboard that started with the letter N and then got progressively more eye-crossingly boring and unreadable as far as she was concerned. The irony of it, Penny realized, was that all the boys already knew this, so the only reason he had gone into lecture mode was 1. for her, or 2. he was about to pompously assume his all-knowing omni-whatever meant that he needed to educate everybody else. Fantastic. "N equals the number of civilizations in our galaxy with which communication is possible. Accounting for the number of recently discovered potential planets and the R factor, then..." Sheldon continued jotting down numbers and calculations at an alarming rate.
"Dude," Raj interjected, looking critically at the numbers. "Drake found that there are 10,000 civilizations transmitting signals we should be able to pick up at any given moment."
"He's wrong," Sheldon stated simply, underlining his findings.
"Drake's wrong?" Raj asked incredulously. "How about the entire SETI institute? Are they all wrong?"
"If they didn't get these results, then yes."
"Right," Raj rolled his eyes. "Because you're smarter than a group of highly intelligent, dedicated astronomers and scientists who have made it their life's work to detect signs of life in space."
"That's a given," Sheldon agreed. "As a theoretical physicist I have the capacity to comprehend and calculate mathematical variables to explain or predict any natural phenomena. I cannot be bound by mere astronomy."
"He can understand everything except for when he's wrong," Raj muttered darkly.
x.x.x.x.x.
"... so in sum, a simple blood test could detect alien traces within the human body."
Penny felt her eyes rolling in the back of her head in boredom. At first, Sheldon's lecture on alien possession, replacement (a la pod people), or any kind of infiltration scenarios seemed interesting, but then he started to get really in depth with chemical analysis and she wasn't able to follow along. According to him, human biology... and that was around the time she stopped listening, eyes glazing over as he rhymed off a bunch of stuff she didn't understand. At one point he mentioned schnapps, which made her sit up and pay attention for a moment, but quickly realized he was saying CHNOPS, which was much less interesting (but made much more sense).
"The trouble with detecting unique biological signatures is having a viable test subject. After contemplating the workshop possibilities, I decided to follow such hallmark battles as Independence Day, Stargate SG-1—"
"You want to make an Earth Defence System?" Leonard asked.
"No."
"A biological weapon?" Howard guessed.
"Did I not just explain the reason that wasn't a feasible option?"
"I wasn't listening," Howard muttered, so quietly Sheldon shouldn't have been able to hear him. The way Sheldon's head swivelled towards him told all of them that Sheldon not hearing whispered talk was a pipe dream.
Maybe Sheldon was a cloaked alien. That would explain a lot, especially why he didn't seem to want to make a biological weapon.
"Maybe we are the biological weapon," Raj pointed out.
"Like that Tom Cruise movie!" Penny joined in enthusiastically, glad she had finally recognised something.
They all winced.
"Tom's War of the Worlds is a sorry remake of a classic," Howard explained. "We don't speak of it polite company."
"As I was saying," Sheldon continued. "We shall learn how to arm and disarm an explosive device."
"You want to blow things up?" Penny asked incredulously. "Isn't that very... Texan of you?"
"Yeah," Howard inserted. "What if they're friendly?"
"What if they aren't?" Raj asked.
"Sheldon, don't you think a bomb allegories the Cold War fears prevalent in US science fiction a little too closely?" Leonard asked. "I take it we're preparing for the possibility of an occupation?"
"Certainly not," Sheldon insisted. "I have, however, taken into account that creating a coilgun like in the Halo franchises would be time consuming. When the time comes, together we have the necessary skills to put together a decent Earth Defence System if not the time and resources."
x.x.x.x.
For some reason, Sheldon thought the best way to combat aliens was to blow them up, and the best way to blow them up was to be able to work a bomb.
Honestly, Penny didn't really follow his thought process. She never followed his thought process of course, but this seemed particularly illogical.
"Are you training us to survive apocalypses, or are you training us to be spies?" Penny asked incredulously, staring at the computer program in front of her. All of them were forced to download a program to their laptops, and install it. It turned out to be a countdown to a bomb, making almost everything else on their laptops inaccessible while the countdown was running. The point of the exercise was to stop the countdown before it reached zero and the bomb exploded.
Penny knew this was one she was going to fail. She needed Raj's help just to install the program onto her operating system.
"With my engineering degree, I could probably figure out how to disarm an actual bomb," Howard told the room, practically sneering at Sheldon's little program. "Anything you wrote is child's play for me."
"You may begin," Sheldon told them, standing at the front of the room with his hands clasped behind his back, observing them with disdain. The countdown started at one minute, but Penny didn't move to do anything. There was a beeping coming through all four speakers.
All three boys started typing like mad. Howard was grinning, hopping in his seat with his laptop bouncing on his knee. Suddenly the beeping from his laptop became more insistent. "What the—a failsafe?" he jabbed his finger on a button and then hunched over his computer desperately, his fingers flying over the keys faster than she'd ever seen before. With one final beep, his computer made a sound of something disengaging.
"Congratulations, you have saved the world," Sheldon said with a nod.
Holy frig, praise, Penny realized. Praise from Sheldon was like an apocalyptic event on its own, and Wolowitz wasn't the one who was supposed to get it. She was far more deserving than Howard was. Well, maybe not for this exercise, but she damn well knew how to shoot a gun better than anyone. Had Sheldon praised her for that?
And, Penny realized with a sense of dread, she was jealous. Of Howard.
Angrily, she slammed the lid for her laptop, but the beeping continued.
Raj's computer began beeping insistently like Howard's had, but instead of disengaging it, Raj panicked, his fingers stalling over the keyboard. The speakers let out the sound of a small explosion.
"Balls!" Raj exclaimed.
That just left Leonard.
Ten.
Leonard fingers were flying over the keyboard, nowhere as fast as Howard's had been. He was staring at the screen in concentration, squinting myopically over his glasses.
Nine.
Eight.
Penny pulled the power cord out of her laptop.
Seven.
Six.
Leonard was actively sweating as he typed, ignorant of all his friends watching him.
Five.
Penny panicked. She hadn't really cared whether she won or lost this one, not really (and certainly not until Sheldon praised Howard like he was deserving of it. The boy was an engineer, he did stuff like this all the time. It was like praising Penny for being able to perform an acceptable imitation of Captain Mal Reynolds, which she could do, and which Sheldon had never commented on) but with the countdown putting added pressure, she couldn't handle the pressure without doing something. She wasn't losing to Leonard for Christ's sake. Leonard failed at everything!
Four.
Penny found the release for her laptop battery and popped it out.
Three.
Leonard broke the program and it disengaged.
"Yes!" he exclaimed victoriously, doing a small happy dance.
Two and one never came. It took a moment before they realized what the silence meant and then one by one they turned to look at her.
Penny grinned sheepishly and then held up the battery in her hand.
"Eugh," Howard groaned. "Is this another one of those common sense versus over-thinking challenges? I still maintain that I won."
Penny blew Howard a raspberry.
"Penny, you cheated." Sheldon did not look happy.
"So did Kirk," she said with a grin.
"You never told us we couldn't just cut the power," Leonard pointed out, his scowl replaced by a more congenial expression. Considering he was going so far as to debate with Sheldon, Penny realized that simply surviving one of Sheldon's challenges did wonders for Leonard's complex.
x.x.x.x.
She was being hunted by aliens or terrorists or whatever terrifying boogeyman Sheldon believed inhabited the streets of Pasadena at night. There was one of her and four of them, her footsteps almost completely silent and swift against the pavement. She knew how to use her surroundings to her advantage. In the past, she navigated cornfields and plains, tree corps and, once on her father's semi-annual hunting trip Bluffs and Sandhills. She had never tried out her skills in a city, using buildings and streetlights to her advantage, and she became aware her skills were a little rusty when she misjudged the shape of a shadow and ended up standing almost directly below the glow of an overhead light in someone's apartment.
It had been a long time for her. Nebraska was always something she tried to put behind her, but she still knew how to breathe, how to listen, and how to watch, even if her senses had been deadened by complacency of buying meat from the store and carrying pepper spray in her purse.
There was something clicking into place inside her, something she had been denying since her father caught her behind the barn with Bobby Mackenzie and no shirt and stopped calling her Slugger. Something she'd buried beneath highlights and high heels, lipstick and boyfriends. It was something primal and vigilant and dangerous, that she only let the barest gleam of it out for Halo and Queen Penelope.
She might be the hunted, but she wasn't worried in the least bit. Three of the four wouldn't even be able to see her if she edged past them, pressed against the line of cars separating the sidewalk from the street. It was the fourth who interested her, and she felt herself wanting to test the parameters of Sheldon Cooper's skills, the way he was trying to test her.
In paintball, Sheldon had always taken the long-established stand-hunting strategy, concealing himself and waiting for his targets to come to him. She'd always been more inclined towards tracking and stalking herself.
Hunting wasn't much different from dating, and she always had been a big ol' five.
Penny crouched beside a parked car, the metal of the bumper cool against her skin. Her eyes quickly scanned the street, taking in the traffic patterns, the way the overhead streetlight was burnt out, giving her a good wedge of darkness to dart across the street and into the park itself. If she was Sheldon, which was either giving him too much credit or understanding the immeasurable bounds of his intelligence, she would have eyes on this expanse of space. It was the only place she'd found that would cover her entrance into the park in darkness.
The park, she was almost sure, was where all the fun was. This was like the most ultimate game of tag and hide and go seek she'd ever played. She knew Leonard was still hovering somewhere around the entrance to their apartment building, but both Howard and Raj had taken off across the street almost immediately. Sheldon, she wasn't too sure about, he could be anywhere.
If Penny was a betting woman, she'd put money down on him being near.
Quickly, she back away from between the two cars, circling around the block until she could no longer see the burnt out street light. Then, she simply ran across the street and into the bushes, creeping along quickly, but with soft steps, feeling with her toes before she put pressure on her foot for branches or anything that might rustle or crunch beneath her foot.
She was so intent on scanning the bushes and the ground around the spot that she thought Sheldon might be hiding that she almost missed him. Then a car went by, the headlights illuminating a flash of orange up in a cluster of trees. She almost dismissed it as nothing, but a huntress never ignored her surroundings, so when the next car went by Penny's eyes looked up in the trees, expecting to see an old bag or anything that would explain fluorescent orange stuck in a branch above head-level.
She didn't expect to see Sheldon fucking Cooper up in a tree, his body blending with the branches, all narrow limbs and balanced torso pressed against the trunk. Penny had been under the impression he was frightened of heights – no, frightened of falling – and didn't do stuff like that.
But then, he had also climbed trees to get away from chickens when he was a boy. Maybe he didn't fear falling so much when he was in control of the landscape.
Whatever the answer was, he was definitely the shape she saw up in that tree, ready to snipe her when she got close enough to him. It sent a thrill throughout her body, tingling adrenalin through her limbs. She was pretty sure he didn't expect her to spot him, assuming his high IQ meant that no one thought the same way he did. He was partially right.
Maybe she'd tell him that the grips on his shoes, designed to reflect at night so cars could see pedestrians, was what had given him away. Maybe she wouldn't. She always liked having an ace up her sleeve.
Penny scrambled away in the opposite direction, putting as much space between herself and Sheldon as possible so she could have a chance to think.
She almost had a half-assed, fly by the seat of her pants plan thought up when she almost tripped over Howard and Raj. Berating herself for not paying enough attention, Penny pressed herself against the embankment of a small slope, peering down over the crest of it at the boys. They were hidden between a shrub and a parked car and arguing loudly.
She couldn't quite hear what was being said, but she got the gist of them both collaborating to take her down. It took her a moment to realize Leonard had joined them.
Et tu, Leonard, she thought with a grin. This would certainly make things more interesting. The three of them just might make a challenge whereas on their own they were a little lost and pathetic.
Man, either she was really, really good at this hunting thing or luck was on her side tonight. She wondered what the chances were she could flush them towards Sheldon's tree and let him take care of them for her.
Grinning to herself, Penny was about to edge away when a police car pulled up. The cops got out, tasers in hand, pointed directly towards the boys.
Raj eeped.
"We've received a call about suspicious activity in the park and three men who were thought to be armed hiding in the bushes."
"We're not armed or dangerous!" Howard exclaimed. "They're just water guns!"
Holy crap on a cracker. Holy crap. Holy shit. This was two parts the worst thing that could possibly happen and one part the most awesome thing ever. Leonard, Raj and Howard were about to get arrested.
Penny carefully moved off the slope and then ran for Sheldon in a direct line. He was probably having a mini heart attack at the sight of her moving so quickly and accurately towards him. "Abort," she hissed at him, once she was close enough for him to hear her with his scary accurate hearing. Or, at least she thought he could probably hear her. She'd never really tested the limits of his senses.
She probably looked like a crazy person running through the park with her hands visible where he could see her, but she couldn't get the idea of him just waiting to line up a shot to her forehead with his water gun. "Sheldon! Get down right now, the cops are here and are about to arrest the boys, and I doubt they'd take kindly to a Doctor in a tree."
The branches above her head rustled, and suddenly Sheldon was lowering himself down, landing easily beside her in a half-crouch.
"The chances of them noticing me in the tree were slim. People never look up," he informed her as she dragged him out of the park, quickly crossing the street so they were standing on a sidewalk beneath a street light. There was nothing overtly suspicious of that, right? In fact, they probably just looked like a couple who were coming home from a date.
Which, actually, gave her an idea. One he probably wouldn't like.
"How do you explain that I knew where you were, then?" she asked, swinging him around and slipping her arm into the crook of his elbow. He looked confused at her action, but was too busy ruminating on what she said to really pay attention.
"The process of hunting can be traced back to before the rise of Homo Sapiens. Your natural affinity for it in a time when hunting is not the norm simply means the anthropogenesis of your family line is stunted."
Oh super, Penny realized, he was telling her that the reason she spotted him was because she was less evolved than he was. She was starting to realize that there was scientific evidence to back up any and all of his bullshit no matter which direction he took. She wanted to point out that he was being a teensy bit hypocritical, what with his own hunting skills and all, but they were getting closer to the police now, and it was time to fill him in on her plot.
"Ok, don't look surprised and don't talk unless directly asked a question. Nod or shake your head if it can be easily answered. Just stand there and look bored and superior. Do you understand?"
"No Penny, I patently resist..." he started.
"Good," she cut him off. "Now put it into practice. Do you understand?"
He shook his head and gave her a haughty look.
Penny smiled and patted his cheek. "That's perfect, Moonpie," she told him, taking his arm and sauntering down the sidewalk. "By the way, you're my boyfriend now."
"Wha-!" he began indignantly, cutting off with a yelp as she pinched the sensitive skin stretched over his ribs.
"Walk," she hissed, her hand curved around his side beneath the dark leather he was still wearing – god, she really wished he'd keep wearing it after this week, but Howard already told her that it only comes out of his closet during Apocalypse Week, and once after a small earth quake – and kept her hand flat against the ribs she just squeezed. He stiffened like she was holding a gun to his back.
Really, the thought wasn't that far off, especially with the week she'd had. He'd actually seen her handle a weapon, so of course he thought she was dangerous and threatening.
She just kind of wished it wasn't because her hand was on his waist.
The best part, at least so far, was that she had wedged herself so tightly against his side that he had two options. One, walk with his shoulder shoved backwards and his hand hanging by his side so that it brushed against her butt, or two, place his hand solidly on her back. It took him a few paces to decide on the second option, and she thought for sure she could feel his warm palm through the thick material of her jacket.
Apocalypse Week might just be her favourite holiday, ever. Sheldon's everyday rules were definitely taking a backseat to his survival instincts. She wondered if she could convince him that making out was integral to his survival.
Not that she wanted to make out with Sheldon?
Yeah, no, yeah she totally did, and it had nothing (very little) to do with his jeans-clad butt. Whoever had told him that jeans were like the ultimate safety wear when dealing with zombies/aliens/terrorists was either her god or someone she should add to her Christmas card list.
Really, it could be hazmat suits or full body armour. This was Sheldon they were talking about. He was that crazy.
They were now walking parallel to the cops frisking down the boys. Part of her, the evil part, considering just continuing along by and letting them deal with this themselves. The nice part of her, the girl who helped her friends no matter what trouble they were in, swivelled her head in apparent surprise, widened her eyes and gripped Sheldon into halting. "Leonard?" she asked, her voice high pitched and disbelieving. "Howard? Raj?"
"Do you know these men, Miss?" one of the cops asked, stepping towards her and Sheldon and crossing the street. The boys were no match for his partner, a diminutive woman who glared at the three of them in an unfriendly manner. Raj looked to be stunned back into silence. Leonard was sheepish, and Howard, oh God, Howard. Had he said anything inappropriate about handcuffs yet? Penny couldn't see how he hadn't. "They wouldn't admit to their names."
Whoops, Penny thought. Well, she didn't really mean to give away their secret identities or whatever. Seriously, what kind of geniuses antagonized cops into arresting them?
"They're our friends," she said with a winning smile, giving Sheldon a tight squeeze. Outwardly it looked like she was showing affection, but really she was warning him of her implicit threat. "The one with the glasses is Leonard Hofstadter, the really skinny one is Howard Wolowitz and the quiet Indian one is Rajesh Koothrappali." She waited patiently as the cop wrote down each name. It was necessary for her to spell them out more than once. She actually had to ask Sheldon how to spell Koothrappali because she couldn't remember if it was a double P or a double L. "They're all really responsible and nice men, what have they done?"
"They were acting suspiciously, ma'am. We thought they had weapons, but it turns out they were only carrying water guns. It wouldn't have been an issue if they were more open to explain why they were outside after dark skulking around in the bushes across from this apartment building."
Penny allowed her gaze to grow dark, her Nebraskan accent coming out as she responded. "Oh, I can tell you why they have water guns alright. It's kind of a long story, but it comes down to this: Leonard and I used to date, and now I'm dating his roommate slash best friend. Sheldon here never really seemed inclined towards any kind of romantic relationship, he's a super smart scientist over at CalTech and his work is probably going to move the science community forward by decades, isn't that right Sheldon?"
Sheldon, bless him, paused only for a second before nodding.
"So those men, no, boys," Penny continued, emphasizing boys like it was a dirty insult. "They've been going on all week about how the apocalypse is upon us because Sheldon and I hooked up. How it must mean the world is going to end or something. Leonard hasn't been taking it well at all, which I guess is expected, right? You hook up with your ex-boyfriend's BFF and of course you're going to be in for some trouble. I suspect, though I can't say for sure, that they were waiting for us to come home so they could prank us in some kind of show of loyalty to Leonard and distaste for our relationship." Penny shrugged.
"Well your story certainly explains some of—" here the cop referenced his notepad "—Wolowitz's ramblings about something called Apocalypse Week before Hofstadter told him to shut up. We were going to haul them down to the drunk tank, but the paperwork involved in this frankly isn't worth it. Are the two of you willing to take responsibility for making sure this doesn't happen again?"
Sheldon looked horrified. Penny pinched him, hard, and shot him a meaningful glance. The type of glance that said if you don't keep your yap shut, I will not only kick you in the nads I will also cut off your tongue so you can never speak again.
"Sorry, Sheldon's very literal minded," she said, giving the officer an apologetic smile as he looked at them in suspicion. "When you say things like that, he thinks that there's no way he can possibly be accountable for what not only the three of them do for the rest of their lives, but also what other people do in the park after tonight. He doesn't get subtlety."
"I do not like lying to the police, Penny," Sheldon inserted, almost frantically.
Wow. Either he timed his protestation carefully, or it was just her good fortune that his guilty conscience broke at exactly that moment. Instead of his words throwing suspicion on all of them, her especially, it did the opposite. The officer's expression softened perceptively.
"Ok Dr.—" he trailed off with a question.
"Cooper," Sheldon supplied.
"Ok Dr. Cooper. Would you be willing to ensure your friends leave the park and go home? I don't want to catch them here tonight, and I would prefer not to catch them here any night but I understand your reluctance to commit to that."
"I will accept the parameters of your stipulation for the release of Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz and Rajesh Koothroppali." Sheldon said formally, the tendon's in his neck standing out as his shoulders tensed and he clamped his jaw shut.
"I have one final question," the officer said, turning towards Penny. "Something doesn't add up for me. I can see a lovely woman such as yourself dating Dr. Cooper here." He paused, taking in the twitches in Sheldon's eye affiably, mistaking them for a response for flattering Penny and not for the line 'something doesn't add up'. "Sorry Doc, no offense meant. I just don't see how someone so pretty could date that guy." He gestured over the Leonard.
Penny giggled and fluttered her eyelashes.
Before she knew it, the police were leaving and Sheldon was taking his duties in escorting the boys home very seriously, wavering between completely ignoring her and glaring in her direction.
"Penny, you're brilliant!" Raj exclaimed after she recounted the story. "It takes a certain kind of brilliance to both handle Sheldon and lie convincingly to cops at the same time. Most people can't even handle Sheldon, or lie to cops, but you managed both. You are officially my hero! With this mouth and these eyes, I would not do very well in jail."
"Yeah, that's awesome," Howard agreed. "But what about my heroism? There was an attractive female cop right in front of me with handcuffs pressed against her shapely rear and I didn't say a word."
"Yes Howard, acting like a decent human totally makes you a hero too," Penny said sarcastically.
Raj patted Howard's shoulder. "Personally I was very impressed. Maybe Sheldon's training is paying off. We totally kept cool under fire."
Leonard made a strangled sound. "You guys are missing the point. This was Sheldon's fault. If he hadn't forced us outside with those water guns we never would have been almost arrested."
Both Howard and Raj turned to give Leonard their incredulous 'what's your deal' look. Penny had to admit that she was there with them.
"Blasphemy!" Howard yelled, bringing up his fists challengingly. "What's your deal? Why are you so against Apocalypse Week? If I had to choose between it and a threesome with Katee Sackhoff and Tricia Helfer, I would go with the threesome, but I would have to think about it for a minute."
"Dude, you're just upset because that cop didn't think you and Penny belonged together."
Leonard glowered.
"Yeah," Penny said sheepishly. "I probably shouldn't have mentioned that part."
x.x.x.x.x.x
It was getting rather late at night by the time everything had settled down. Leonard and Sheldon had escorted Howard and Raj home, Sheldon taking his obligations very seriously and ensuring that he didn't take his eyes off any of them until they were beyond their front doors. By the time Leonard and Sheldon returned home, Penny had managed to watch through half of the movie they had been referencing all day, not sure if the plot was giving her any actual headway with how to deal with aliens or not, but she was vaguely entertained. Leonard gave her a halfhearted wave and a general head-jerk that said 'you deal with him' as he walked through the living room and directly towards his bedroom.
Penny paused the television and glanced at Sheldon. "You look worried," she observed.
"Alien Day activities should not be ending for another fifteen minutes. From the moment you approached me in the tree, we lost exactly one hour and forty-seven minutes of training. I would be remiss if I wasn't bothered by the possibility of an alien invasion."
"You should be happy," she pointed out. "This one didn't extend beyond your bedtime like last night did."
"Happy?" Sheldon echoed incredulously. "I am distinctly unhappy. Zombies don't observe human circadian rhythms and neither do aliens."
"Sure, but since there aren't any actual aliens you don't have to lose sleep over it."
"But I will lose sleep," he responded plaintively. "If I don't prepare my friends in the twelve hours I was given to ensure they have the necessary alien defence skills, then I have no right experiencing an unworried and restful slumber."
"You've done all you can," she told him, reaching over to pat his leg in comfort and then withdrawing her hand just as quickly before she could make contact. It was just too weird to touch him when he looked like this, like her own motives weren't entirely pure and she wanted to feel his thigh beneath her palm, warm and covered in denim and so very, very un-Sheldony. "Now it's up to them to remember what you've taught them."
They were silent for a few moments, Sheldon probably reflecting on the chances of any of them remembering anything he taught them. Penny knew the chances were slim. She barely remembered what she had or lunch yet alone a lecture she could barely understand.
"You know," Penny said, shuffling closer Sheldon on the couch. Her eyes scanned the hallway to the bedrooms, making sure Leonard wasn't around to hear her concerns. She loved him, really, but she didn't need the kind of promises and assurances he would make when he heard this topic of conversation. She was a little inside Sheldon's personal space, but he didn't seem to notice and so she didn't pretend to care. "I've been thinking about your safety room. I really think you should grab Alicia from 5A or those cute college girls from 2C and bring them into the shelter."
"Why?" he asked, thigh brushing against hers as he swivelled slightly, his eyes spanning the living room. "Do they have any aptitude in survival skills not accounted for by the five of us? Can 5A find food in a barren wasteland? Can 2C use a crossbow, hotwire a vehicle, or draw blood to test for traces of alien biology?"
"I don't know, and I don't care. I just mean that I would like another girl to be there at the end of the world."
Sheldon looked perplexed, like she had just told him that light was actually caused by tiny microscopic fairies. "Is this the same as how females insist on going to the bathroom in packs?"
"Noooo," Penny said responded, drawing out the word as she looked at him incredulously. "I'm not asking for companionship, I mean I barely even like Alicia and 2C are all giggly and annoying when I see them. I'm pretty sure they're laughing at my lack of success as an actress behind my back, but think about it Sheldon. I don't want to be the only girl around in an end of the world scenario, especially when it comes down to repopulating the human race."
Sheldon looked at her sharply, his eyebrows rising as he completely took his attention away from the paused television screen to focus on her. "I hadn't considered that."
"I know," she said, patting his leg awkwardly without looking at him. "I only bring it up because I know it wasn't something you thought about, but I know Howard would have some very definitive opinions on what would happen in that scenario. So maybe you could just pretend you're considering 5A or 2C for that exact purpose. I'm just waiting for Howard to come up and say something truly disgusting, like how I should save him a turn and our children will be both smart and beautiful."
"That's preposterous," Sheldon blustered. "Howard would hardly be the best choice. He is neither the smartest, nor is he the one who could best ensure the survival of the human race. He's of inferior stock and doesn't even have one PhD."
"The point of the matter is if I'm the only girl I probably won't have much of a choice. Didn't you explain this to me once, about how early societies used to pass around the girl so the children would have varying genes or something." Penny shivered in revulsion. "I think I'd rather let the human race die."
"You forget that we're an enlightened society," Sheldon pointed out.
"I think you're over estimating your friends. Besides, at the end of the world—" he was the one who was the smartest and could best ensure the survival of the human race. AND had two PhDs. Oh wow, she hadn't picked up that before now. "You think... you?" She turned to stare at him, her mouth gaping opened unattractively. When he didn't respond, she realised he didn't understand the question. "Did you just hint that you're the best choice?"
"No. That wasn't my intent, but isn't completely without merit," he told her, not turning around to look at her. He didn't even seem to understand the gravity of what he was proposing. "I am already one of the smartest men in the world. If a major catastrophic event occurred and we survived, there is a possibility I would be the smartest man in the world. My family doesn't have any history of heart disease, diabetes, or any number of genetic landmines currently facing couples wishing to procreate. I'm a catch."
Penny was pretty sure she was still gaping, but she couldn't tell for the blood rushing in her ears. Pointed out like that, he was already a catch and not just in comparison to the other guys in the apartment. He was smart. He could use a gun. He was tall and was actually kind of attractive when he wasn't weirdly twitching or babbling psychotically. Plus, his sister was beautiful so they wouldn't be relying only on her genes to determine attractiveness.
Oh god, was she really thinking about Sheldon as potential mate material. She definitely was, and it didn't seem at all strange. It didn't seem like something she should wait until the end of the world to act on either.
She kind of wanted to date Sheldon Cooper, Penny realized with shock.
"A venn diagram of all the females in our social circle cross-referenced with acquaintances who have valuable skills yields Doctor Stephanie as the best option," Sheldon considered, continuing on as though Penny didn't just get slapped over the head by the realization that she found him kind of dateable. She hadn't even realized she found him cute. Ok, she knew she found him cute, but it was easier to lie to herself than admit it. "There is, of course, Leslie Winkle but frankly I would rather get eaten by aliens."
Penny shivered. "I suggest we orchestrate it so she's the one who is eaten by aliens. I couldn't survive a future where I'm called Survivor Barbie for the rest of my life." Her brain filter finally caught up with what he had been saying. "There's a problem with the whole Doctor Steph thing."
"I agree," Sheldon mused. "Doctors are usually the first to die. They rush into a situation to attempt to save a life and bam! the second wave of the attack hits and they're dead. Also, Doctor Stephanie lives on the other side of town I have not yet plotted the journey. She may need to move to a closer location."
"Sheldon sweetie," Penny said with fondness, trying not to laugh. "The problem isn't where she lives or the dangers of her job, it's that she and Leonard broke up and aren't on the most amicable terms. She probably won't want to be part of a future where Leonard exists." Penny refrained from pointing out that Stephanie would probably feel the same way towards Sheldon that Sheldon felt towards Leslie Winkle: she would rather die than be a part of that kind of future.
"Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Penny," Sheldon said as though he had given her something to think about and not the other way around.
x.x.x.
A/N: Happy Canada Day to my peeps. Thanks to Trbl for letting me bounce ideas off her for the first part of the chapter and poking me this morning when I took too long to post.
Thank you to my reviewers and everyone who selected the story as a favourite/alert. Each and every one of you make my days a little brighter.