Chapter Seven
Cows, Leather and Slim Jims
She was watching Sheldon closely, sitting in his spot like she had been every day this week as he set himself up at the front of the makeshift class. She couldn't possibly want to date Sheldon, she had thought with resolve once waking up. It had just been a weird trick of the lighting and all the ideas put in her head by the adrenaline of running around in the park at night, tricking the police, and pretending they were dating. It wasn't anything more than that.
The issue was, that now that the concept had been planted in her head, it was festering.
Penny was the type to poke and pick at things like that.
Unfortunately, Sheldon gave her a lot of time to do just that.
It turned out that Sheldon wasn't always made of awesome this week. He was, occasionally, made of boring professor lectures as well. If Penny had to hear more about food contamination at a national level, or extreme drought, she was going to smack him. He had a plan for everything, and yet none of them seemed to be stretched too thin for resources or thought.
Penny wondered if while other boys fantasized about sex starting at the age of 12, Sheldon invested all the time before he fell asleep on figuring out ways to survive certain death. Around 15 years worth of planning sure did explain the massive three ring binder he had as his "time travelling safety contingency" that she thought was way more information than he needed and he had responded in a horrified tone "but Penny, this only accounts up to the Middle Palaeolithic period. Not a time I wish to visit, by any means, but one only has to observe an episode of Doctor Who to understand that even a time traveller's best intentions does not mean he will not find himself astray by a millennia or so."
Penny didn't bother pointing out that if he went back in time like that he'd probably wind up wiping out the earth's population with some super flu circa modern day.
And also, he'd probably be eaten by a wild mountain lion. Or a dodo bird.
And he'd probably never survive a day without a shower, but that could be said for him travelling back to any time before bathing was popular, which was like the last 70 years or whatever.
Actually, she would really love to see Sheldon trying to survive out of his time. She'd pay good money to be there, with popcorn.
Half way through his lecture on the world's grain monopoly and what would happen if some kind of super wheat virus took out all the North American wheat, Penny stopped listening and started to watch him. He wasn't wearing the jeans or the leather jacket, but she realized her interest hadn't really diminished in the face of his blue superman shirt and beige pants. He still made her stomach feel kind of light and airy and she couldn't really figure it out. This was Sheldon as he always was, why was it suddenly different?
What was up with that?
The problem, she knew, wasn't with him. It was with her, and she didn't like it one bit. It would pretty much be the end of the world if she had a crush on Sheldon, the man who didn't even have the word crush in his vocabulary unless referring to crushing the spirits of undergrads and whatever physics-y things had to do with the third law of thermo-crushing-objects.
Unfortunately, Sheldon's passion for food shortages gave Penny a lot of time to figure out whether she liked him or not. Not that she cared, only the more she tried to tell herself she didn't, the more she thought about it, and she more or less knew she was too far gone. Every fifteen year old girl knew that the more you tried not to like someone the more you ended up liking them.
"Penny, do you have anything to contribute?"
"What?" she asked, jumping with a visible start as she realized her gaze had been focused on watching the material across his shoulders stretch as he moved. "Oh, no, nothing."
"No solutions to the food shortage problem I just presented you?"
"Nope," she responded, stressing the p.
"That's interesting. You seemed deep in thought. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt that your woolgathering was related to the topic at hand rather than shoes, procreation or other unimportant sundries."
Penny blushed, hand to God actually blushed when he said procreation.
Leonard groaned.
"Penny wasn't listening. Allow me to begin again," Sheldon said, pressing the remote to make his powerpoint presentation go back about seven slides.
"Wait, wait!" Penny said desperately. "You're right, I was thinking of a solution, but then I realized it wasn't very good and I didn't want to share it." Fib, her mind screamed. Lie for all you're worth. Put your improv skills to use. "I was thinking if there was a grain shortage, we'd all just move out to my parent's farm in Omaha. Howard could jury-rig the old barn into being a hothouse and we could grow other vegetables."
"What if there was no electricity?"
"You guys are geniuses," Penny responded. "You can figure it out."
"I'm asking you," Sheldon said pointedly. "This is your scenario."
"Fine!" she snapped, ignoring the way the other three boys were watching this verbal tennis match with wide eyes. "We've got a crank generator."
"That wouldn't yield enough energy to power a two room trailer, let alone a hot-house."
Yeah, she'd learned some stuff about Sheldon from Missy's visits. That thing about the two room trailer? He would know. Not that Penny was mean enough to point it out in a room full of people, even if they were his friends. "Well, there are a ton of old bikes around that could be made into a power source."
"Again, that wouldn't yield nearly as much output as would be needed."
"We have cows!" Penny exclaimed, having a eureka moment. They all looked at her blankly.
"Cows can't ride bikes," Howard explained in confusion.
Penny shot him a quelling glare. "No, but they poop. Didn't I hear somewhere that manure can be made into energy?"
"Well, uh, sure Penny, but..." Howard started.
"Biomass. Interesting," Sheldon mused, interrupting. "I certainly hadn't expected you to make the jump there. The electrical energy available in one cow's daily manure contribution can produce 3.0 kilowatt hour of 'cow power.' How many cows are on your farm?"
"About fifteen," she explained.
"Ignoring the obvious catch that if cows don't eat, they don't secrete excrement, I do believe you have submitted a viable option. Maybe not the most ideal in those circumstances, but I will make a note of it as plan D. I'm sure Howard can make it work."
"Are you kidding? You think I can just MacGyver a digester out of old feeding troughs and the back of a pick-up truck? That doesn't even take into account climate issues, heating, reliability, corrosion... and who is going to handle the poop! I don't touch poop!"
"I'm sure Penny would be happy to do it," Leonard offered.
"Why me? I was the one who came up with the idea. I think Raj and Leonard should do it, since they aren't contributing anything."
"Frankly, dude, I'd rather starve," Raj said bluntly.
Shortly thereafter Penny had to leave for a double shift at the Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon assured her that they were just going to learn basic farming techniques in various conditions, skills he assumed she already knew (she did), and later they would be doing death sprints until someone vomited.
"And then tonight?" she asked. "I won't be back until 11 and I don't want to miss anything awesome." At the narrowing of eyes she received at that, Penny amended: "I don't want to miss anything important."
"You've been scheduled for this double shift since last week," he responded as though that explained everything.
"Aaaand?" Penny prompted.
"We'll be studying skills already in your repertoire."
"Yes, aaaand?" she asked again, not nearly as dense as she seemed. She just wanted to hear him say it.
"I took your work schedule and competencies into account when determining the best sequence of events this week. This isn't new information."
"No sweetie, it's not. Don't let anyone put me down for poop-scoop duty while I'm gone, ok?"
"I make no guarantees."
x.x.x.x.x.
Her shift was boring, more boring than it usually was. Typically, Penny put her acting skills to use and pretended she liked doling out cheesecake, being friendly with patrons, and working for lousy wages, but today all she could think about was missing out on something completely ridiculously awesome Sheldon (and the boys) did or said. What if Howard designed some sort of water purification system out of things in the back room and kitchen and got praised again? What if Leonard applied some physics and realized how easy it was to hit a target? What if Raj spent the day talking to women without having taken his birth control pill and didn't even notice?
What if Sheldon took out his leather jacket again?
By the time she got home, she had worked herself into such a state of worry that she practically burst into their apartment in a pique of angst, only to find Leonard in front of the tv with a potted plant in his lap.
"Crazy's sleeping," he said with a yawn. "He had us planting tomatoes. I'm supposed to be nurturing it," he pointed to the plant in his lap. "I don't know how to nurture a plant. Should I be keeping it warm?"
"You're doing fine, Leonard. Keep the planter with you tonight and it will probably grow into a fine tomato vine," she managed to inform him with a straight face as she left, grateful she hadn't missed much and uncertain as to whether Sheldon did it on purpose or if it was just a boring evening.
x.x.x.x.
The idea of how to separate herself from the competition in Sheldon's mind was eating at Penny in every spare moment, which, granted, with Sheldon's schedule meant right before going to sleep. There was a nagging competitive streak in her that wanted to make sure he knew she was far better than Howard, Raj and Leonard. Penny wanted Sheldon to be aware that if circumstances ever came down to an apocalypse, that she was his go-to girl.
She wanted him to recognise her as an authority on the subject of survival.
She wanted him to respect her.
The only way she could think to do that was to teach him a skill he didn't know anything about.
The idea kept her up at night. At first, it was simply wondering what skills she had that could be applied to an apocalypse that the great Sheldon Cooper wouldn't have already taken into account. Then, she realized how strange it was that she wanted – nay, needed – to earn his respect. Penny had certainly never cared about how Sheldon saw her. She knew he thought she was an idiot, and geez, with his intelligence she didn't really take it personally. Sheldon Cooper thought everyone was an idiot except for Sheldon Cooper.
Possibly, that made him the idiot. Either that, or he really was the smartest man in the world, and wasn't that a terrifying thought?
Regardless, she kind of blamed the jeans he wore on Zombie Day. They were evil jeans, putting thoughts into her head that had no right being there. Giving her needs.
It would probably be okay, she told herself. Apocalypse Week would end, things would go back to normal, and she'd stop trying to think of ways to intellectually throw herself at Sheldon Lee Cooper, a man it was impossible to throw oneself at intellectually (physically or metaphorically). It wasn't about Sheldon, really. It couldn't be. She just really needed to win.
"Sheldon," Penny hissed, poking his prone form with her finger. Normal people relaxed when they slept. Sheldon was the only person she knew who looked even more rigid while dreaming.
"Danger! Danger!" He yelled, bolting up in bed like a robot suddenly coming to life, back entirely rigid and eyes going from shut to wide opened all at once. His head swivelled to the right, methodically checking for what disturbed his sleep, and he saw her. "Penny? Is the world ending?"
"Of course not sweetie."
"Then what are you doing in my bedroom? People can't be in my bedroom."
Penny almost rolled her eyes, but it would have been with fondness. "I have a side-lesson for you, and you alone. To help you win the fight against the apocalypse."
"One doesn't fight against the apocalypse," he corrected her. "One simply prepares for it."
This time she did roll her eyes, without the fondness. "I mean, once it hits, I have a skill to teach you to help."
He narrowed his eyes at her. "At 3:30 in the morning?"
"Yes," she answered in a hushed voice. "You don't want to be caught, do you?"
"Caught at what? By whom?"
"Come on Sheldon," Penny cajoled. "Every day you withhold the theme until we're all gathered around and ready to go. Trust me a little and give me the same courtesy I give you. It'll be worth your while, I promise, and if not I'll make it up to you."
"You'll owe me one?" He asked.
"Yes, within reason. We'll negotiate it later. Now, we've got to go before Leonard wakes up and notices I'm in here."
Surprisingly, he listened to her. Penny really had expected him to insist on negotiating now, before he went anywhere with her. She also kind of figured he'd have made a fuss and kicked her out of his bedroom by now. Instead, he sighed, long and aggravated, and threw back his comforter before standing.
Today's pyjamas were light blue/navy blue plaid. Penny had always thought flannel pyjamas looked ridiculous on men between the ages of 12-50, but they weren't half bad on Sheldon. He did always look best while wearing all one color – or in this case, all one pattern – where there weren't any perceivable horizontal lines to cut his torso off. It made him look tall and weirdly competent.
"Here, it might be cold," she told him, handing him the leather jacket hanging on the back of his bedroom door, conveniently placed where he could easily grab it.
He shot her a glare, but took it without argument.
Whoa. Should she be checking his closet for the real Sheldon in a pod?
Should she be checking hers for making that reference?
He trailed her out of the apartment as she tried to figure him out, but all that served was to give her a headache.
Sheldon paused somewhere between the second and third floor, directly beneath one of the wall sconces. While his body stopped, his mouth seemed to pick up in response to the last thing she had said to him while he was still in bed. "How later?" he asked. "I don't take pleasure in the ambiguity of the term 'later' as a timeframe as it could extend on into infinity. Unless you can give me a context, I'd like to negotiate terms now."
"Here? On the stairwell? Where we could wake up our neighbours?"
"Yes." He nodded emphatically. "Or else you will likely try to renege on your word."
"Fine!" Penny huffed, surprised he had lasted this long. "Three visits to the grocery store at times of your choosing, no need to give me any notice or warning but it can't interfere with my work schedule. I would rather it didn't interfere with my sleep schedule, but I will look the other way if ONE is before eleven, but no earlier than... say... nine?" At his look, lips turning back as if he had a quibble and eyes squinting, she amended herself. "Ok, eight-thirty, but only once, ok?"
"No deal. You will provide me with five drives anywhere, not earmarked for the grocery store, pay your share of the internet bill, and most importantly you will observe the sanctity of my bedroom in the future."
"What if the building is on fire and you're passed out from the smoke?"
"You may enter if the building is on fire and I am suffering from smoke inhalation," Sheldon amended with a nod.
"How about if I hear a crash and when I knock on your door you don't answer and I think you might have fallen and hit your head."
"If you have reason to believe my safety is in question, you may also enter the room."
"How about the next time you're sick? Don't you want me to VapoRub your chest?" Penny teased, grinning up at him.
Sheldon rubbed his hand over his chin, almost bashfully as he glanced down at her, his eyes quickly flitting away.
Up to that point Penny hadn't been directly looking at him with his rumpled bed-head hair and eyes that were still partially hooded with sleep, but at the sound of rasping, her eyes suddenly couldn't look away. Sheldon had scruff. Sheldon's face was growing hair. Sheldon's face was growing hair that was definitely scruffy.
Oh god, why had she forced him to bundle himself in his leather jacket? His blue pyjama bottoms were sticking out from under the leather, but from the waist up he was all leather and scruff and if Penny had a weakness for one thing it was men wearing leather jackets who weren't clean shaven but also weren't sporting full beards.
Sheldon wasn't supposed to be one of them. Penny wasn't sure why, but up to this moment she thought hair wouldn't dare grow on Sheldon Cooper's face.
Like seriously, why was he appearing all manly at the exact same moment she happened to be looking?
Why was she looking? What was wrong with her?
"If I am sick or if you have reason to believe my physical well-being has been compromised, you may enter my bedroom. I expect you to exercise appropriate discretion. As any person trained in CPR knows, one must first establish that the victim is unresponsive. Likewise, you must first establish beyond a reasonable doubt that my de facto permission has been granted in the event I cannot answer for myself."
"Geez Sheldon, I'm not going to sneak attack you while you're changing," Penny snarked back. She wouldn't. Probably. Oh Hell.
He looked startled. "You better not!"
"I won't! Ok, I'll agree to the five drives anywhere, so long as they aren't outside Pasadena limits, and your rules of the bedroom. You will allow me to keep using your internet connection if you want Queen Penelope to support Sheldor in their next quest against those jerks from Michigan. Either that or I'll start stealing from the unsecure wireless signals in the building, and you know how unstable that is. Queen P could keep going AFK at inopportune times."
Sheldon gritted his teeth. "Fine. You may continue to freeload our internet connection. In return, I want a drive to the new comic book-slash-movie prop store that opened in West Hollywood."
Oh geez. That could mean hours in the car with him. She didn't like him that much. "I don't know," she hedged.
"It's approximately ten minutes from Rodeo Drive. You can window-shop while I eat lunch."
Penny stared at him. What was this? Sheldon making concessions for other people's likes and wants. Maybe she should wake him up in the middle of the night more often. He seemed to acquiesce more readily under the haze of sleepy-time. "You pay for gas. I'll treat you to lunch and you will allow me to window shop for an hour. We leave here at ten and we can be back by two."
Sheldon contemplated the negotiations, his lips pursed in thought. He rubbed his chin again and Penny almost jumped out of her skin when she realized she was grinning at him with a goofy expression on her face. "Acceptable."
"Shake on it?" Penny asked, offering her hand. "Then it will be one of those verbal contracts."
"I believe you mean oral contract," Sheldon corrected her, tentatively touching his fingers to hers. She thought he was going to give her one of those weak finger hand-shakes, but after a moment of consideration his hand encompassed her smaller one and he gave it a perfunctory shake.
Penny reminded herself that he wouldn't understand why she thought the term 'oral contract' was funny and managed not to giggle. Her mind was running through their conversation, almost in confusion as he dropped her hand quickly, not willing to touch her for any longer than necessary. She had successfully negotiated with Sheldon and came out on top. The last time that had probably happened was when he was five and still listened to his mother.
"Not that it will matter," she remembered on time, before images of haute couture could take over her brain. "Because you're gonna enjoy what I have planned."
"Doubtful," Sheldon responded as they continued down the stairs. He dutifully followed her to her car, where she opened the trunk and pulled out a thin piece of metal with a hook on the end.
Penny turned to find Sheldon regarding her with confusion. "This is a Slim Jim," she told him, running her hand along the metal and fingering the hook on the end. "It's used to lock pick car doors and not to be confused with the dried meat snack."
Sheldon simply stared at her, watching as she rounded Leonard's car.
Penny shrugged. "You said you wished someone in the group knew how to hotwire a car. I'm trying to teach you how in case something happens to me."
"I expressed interest in finding someone with the aptitude for hotwiring a car."
"Pffft. Anyone can find that stuff out from Wikipedia and Youtube videos these days." She ignored his look of abject horror with a grin. "Now, older cars are easier targets for theft. Newer models have pesky safety features that prevent lock picking and hotwiring. In this case, electronics aren't your friend. In the event of an apocalypse, you probably won't have time to hack the car computer system or whatever, if it can even be done, and so the oldschool method will probably be most effective."
"Penny," Sheldon expressed, his voice high and stressed. "This is illegal."
"Yeah, so?" she asked. "Leonard won't press charges if we're found."
"Then why not use your car?"
"Are you kidding me? This takes experience and finesse. As if I'm letting you break my car if you get it wrong."
Sheldon shot her an indignant look. "I won't get it wrong if taught properly. I don't think second-hand Youtube recounts will do the trick."
"Just watch!" Oh man, messing with him was still as fun as it was before he woke up all scruffy and cute. Penny ignored him and shimmied the metal rod between the window and the frame of the door, easing it beneath the rubber barrier. With confidence, she eased it lower, biting her lip as she concentrated on finding the internal lock mechanism. She felt the hook catch and edged it forward.
The lock clicked audibly. Penny removed the device and handed it to him, opening the car door. "That was the easy part," she told him, kneeling to look at the wiring under the dashboard of Leonard's car. "Hotwiring really depends on the model of the car. I bet you know the theory behind it, right? How you connect the wires that tell the engine the car is "on" and then touch the connection with the wire for the starter. Really old cars can be hotwired from the engine bay, but I think Leonard's should be done from here." She took a small flashlight out from the pocket of her hoodie and flashed it beneath the steering column. "Now I'm not going to start Leonard's car, but I'll figure out which wires should be connected where and then test you to see if you get it."
"I'll need more information than that," Sheldon pointed out, standing at her legs sticking out of the car as she was bent over backwards to see. She could tell he was watching her curiously.
"Completing circuits is a physics thing, right? You should be real good at it."
"Incongruous."
Penny snickered. No more poking Sheldon. He was probably liable to snap at any moment. "Ok. You're looking for two wires that are usually the same and usually red in color. One is the power supply for the ignition switch and the other is the connection to all the components that turn on when the car is started. In reality you would strip off about an inch of the protective layer and twist them together. Tonight I just want you to find them. Then you locate the ignition wire and touch it to the connected red wires. Just touch it, you know? Until the car starts. Again, you're just finding it tonight. That's difficult enough for now."
"It's hardly rocket science," he responded waspishly. "I never got that expression. It's not like rocket science – or aerospace engineering as the field is actually called – is particularly difficult. Even Howard could do it."
"Doesn't Howard do it?" Penny asked, bowing her back even more in an attempt to get a good look at Leonard's wiring.
"He likes to think he does, but he's just a glorified plumber and carpenter."
"Oh burn, Howard. Oh burn." Penny said as she sat up, using the door frame for leverage. "Ok Sheldon, I have one last thing to teach you. Sit here," she directed, reaching over to unlock the passenger side.
He slid into the car and bucked the seatbelt, settling his hands across the woven cloth across his chest.
Penny reached over and unsnapped the clasp. He jumped at the sound of the click. "We're not going anywhere," she assured him. "Now look at my finger," she told him, pressing it two-thirds the way up the keyhole in the ignition starter. "This is probably the best way to hotwire a car so long as you have the right tools. Other ways might leave the steering wheel locked and then you'd be grounded with a running engine but no steering." She paused to observe him.
"Well?" Sheldon asked curiously, paying rapt attention.
"This is where the lock pins are. You see on TV how they just jam the screwdriver in the keyhole and twist, but you'd have to be like the hulk or superman to actually break the lock pins and turn the engine over. What you need is a cordless drill and a small drill bit. You drill right here, two-thirds the way up the slot, and it will break the lock pins. Make sure to break them all, it might take a few drills, and then the screwdriver, or like a soda can tab, or even a really strong fingernail will just turn the car on AND off." Penny's eyes cast over to Sheldon and he was sitting with his lips thinned and an unpleasant expression on his face. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"I'm not as prepared for the apocalypse as I thought I was. I've spent years planning for every contingency and I don't have a cordless drill in my emergency pack. I didn't anticipate this."
Penny laughed. "Sheldon, isn't Apocalypse Week for learning new skills so we'll be ready? Why aren't you including yourself in that? Are you double-standarding us on this?"
"Hardly," he sniffed.
That seemed to be all he had to say on the matter.
"Ok, Sheldon, out," Penny pointed at the door as she left the passenger side. "Are you ready to do this?" she asked over the hood of the car, giving him a wide grin. "Are you ready to learn something no one else can teach you?"
"It is unlikely you are the only one in the world with these particular skills. The penitentiary, for instance, likely has a concentrated amount of lock pickers and car jackers."
"Yeah, well they're not very good at it, are they?" Penny snapped back. "How about I rephrase. I'm probably the only person you know who 1. Knows how to do this, and 2. Is willing to teach you without 3. Monetary compensation, travelling from Texas, or actually stealing Leonard's car."
"That is a little more likely," he conceded, following her lead as she closed the door to Leonard's car.
Penny started to realize why this was a terrible idea when Sheldon deftly held the Slim Jim in his fingers, easing it beneath the window frame with his head bowed in concentration, teeth biting into his bottom lip. He looked particularly competent at it, despite only just learning what to do less than five minutes ago, and the jacket (and scruff) was really working against her now, because he appeared to be the kind of man who belonged in a world of picking locks and finessing things open with his long, capable fingers.
Including her legs, she realized, breath catching in her throat.
Hello crush she was denying existed at all that was evolving into some kind of unresolved sexual tension that Penny really didn't want to think about.
"Zombies have now broken into the garage," she told him. "You have sixty seconds."
With a sad clunking sound, Sheldon lost his grip on Leonard's lock mechanism and it fell out of sync with the rest of the lock. Internally Penny winced. That was going to be a bitch for Leonard to get fixed and exactly why she wasn't letting a novice near her car, no matter how smart they were. Sheldon stared at the door as though it personally betrayed him, the expression turning into dismay as he faced her.
Penny almost laughed at his sincerity. "You just broke the lock and the door is now impossible to open. What do you do now? Forty-five seconds. The zombies are coming down the entrance ramp. You're lucky they're the slow moving kind. Forty-seconds. What are your options, Sheldon? Thirty-five. What can you do in thirty seconds?"
She really didn't see it coming. As she harangued him, he picked up a broken chunk of cement off of one of the parking curbs and hefted it. She gave him an encouraging nod, handing over the keys to Leonard's car as a reward, but he must not have seen them, for the next thing she knew his arm was propelling forward and the rock was flying through the air.
Penny shrieked in surprise as glass shattered and a car alarm went off. In such a tight space, more started to respond and the small lot was filled with the sound of various alarms ringing their presence and illegal activities.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Penny meant to scream but it came out sounding more like a frantic whisper. Sheldon was giving her his wide-eyed Bambi look, like hunters just killed his mother, or like a freight truck was speeding down the highway towards him, and Penny realized he wasn't going to answer her.
She grabbed Sheldon's arm and ran. They burst through the front doors of the apartment complex just as grumbling voices and stumbling feet could be heard on the stairs, and Penny had to practically shove Sheldon into the laundry room, worried his self-preservation instincts wouldn't kick in and he'd try to greet his neighbours with his unable-to-lie-nervous-tick out in full force. She needn't have worried, because Sheldon was still running – nay, sprinting – around the corner of the lobby, practically dragging her along.
What she did have to do was bodily force him into a corner and practically cover him with her body to keep him hidden in case someone thought to check the laundry room, what with all the panting the two of them were doing and the old bottle of detergent she may or may not have brushed with her sleeve and knocked over.
Oh geez, oh geez, they were going to go to jail for this. No, no they wouldn't. No one had to know, so long as Sheldon kept his mouth shut.
She must have said at least part of that outloud, or Sheldon could read minds now, because he answered with: "the parking lot has a camera, Penny," in a quiet, resigned voice.
"It's like the elevator and doesn't work," she promised him. "Never has."
"A—" he tried to speak, but Penny could hear more voices so she cut him off by clamping her hand over her mouth. By the time they were gone, she had finished her panicking and was devolving into outright righteous anger.
"What the hell was that?" she asked, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the parking lot.
"I was attempting to expedite the situation."
"By breaking the window?" she responded in a voice that was louder than strictly necessary under the current situation.
It was Sheldon's turn to clamp his hand over her mouth, which devolved her thoughts into even baser territory when she realized he was willingly touching her, and she was still pressed against him, her breast brushing against one of the buttons of his pajamas and the leather jacket rubbing against her wrists. Her hands were on his shoulders, broad for his slight frame and oh jesus, she was definitely done for now because even in the dim light he was giving her just as much of his focus as he had Leonard's lock.
Penny had a list of 4 really good reasons why she shouldn't kiss Sheldon Cooper and she couldn't remember a single one of them at the moment.
Once his hand was off her mouth, she licked her lips and leaned forward.
"Any lapse in judgement is indicative of your skills as an instructor," Sheldon was saying. "They are, in a word, lousy."
"There's a lot I'd like to show you," she told him, an almost indecently purring quality to her tone. One of her legs slipped between his, the warmth of his thigh blazing through her jeans. She couldn't breathe, but her chest was practically heaving as her focus narrowed on his mouth, moving slowly forward with it in her sight.
"A better instructor wouldn't have egged me on," he said almost sullenly.
Penny blinked, coming back to herself with a start. Her eyes frantically took in his face, noting his guileless expression told her that he hadn't even noticed she was edging in to kiss him, and she wasn't sure if she was thankful or even more worried about her future mental state that Sheldon completely missed social cues a blind man could have picked up from 100 yards away.
"Sheldon!" Penny exclaimed impatiently, and then swiped a hand through her hair anxiously, looking from side to side to make sure they were still alone. As casually as she could, she stepped away from him, so intent on undoing all the harm she almost did, she completely missed the fact he hadn't removed her from his person himself. "Oh geez, oh, ok... ok... for future reference, break the back window so you don't have to sit in glass."
He nodded. "That is practical advice."
Penny wished she listened to practical advice. Then she wouldn't be left trailing behind Sheldon as he climbed back to their apartment worried that in another few days she'd be trailing behind Sheldon like one of his grad school groupies, jumping at the chance just to be near him and having him oblivious to the entire thing.
"What was it you wanted to show me?" he asked upon reaching the hallway outside their doors.
She wasn't even going there. "Nothing, Sheldon. Goodnight."
x.x.x.x.x.
Yay, new chapter. There are 2, maybe 3 left before the story is finished. I just started a new story, one where Sheldon lives across the hall with Missy instead of Leonard when Penny moves in and how that changes their interactions. It's fun to think of and I love Missy, I wish they brought her in full-time instead of Amy and Bernadette (not that I don't like those characters) (I kind of don't, if I wanted to watch reruns of Friends I would watch reruns of Friends) (I'm bad with change sometimes, especially in tv shows).
A/N: I know some of you have been wondering/worrying about where I am, especially when I drop off the face of the planet for months. Well, I dedicated the months of July and August to finding a job in my field and I got one in late Aug, so Sept was for moving and settling in. Now I'm living in Northern Ontario (a big move for a Maritime girl, to all you Canadians who know wtf I'm talking about) and working in a Library, so here is the ficcage I promised!
A/N x2: I went shopping downtown in the small town I'm living in where shopping is non-existent, went into the only Canada-wide clothing chain we have here, and found TBBT t-shirts. I literally almost cried, especially since I finished this chapter this morning and was already in a TBBT mindset. One says BAZINGA and the other KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK PENNY! (be still my shipper heart) so I bought them and wore the BAZINGA one while editing. Be jeliz.
Who else kind of wants a story where they go back in time now?