Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
A/N: Here's quite a quick update, because I haven't really started hectic work for my subjects yet. I feel like the story has changed over time, and the characters have maybe become a bit OOC, but I hope you are all still enjoying it. If you have any comments, questions, requests etc. just let me know and I'll try reply. Have a great day!
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Chapter 17
Nothing
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There was always pain in her world. She could never escape from it. Pain of loneliness, pain of loss, pain of betrayal, and of course the more mundane physical pain as well. Her life flowed from the one type to the other, with no peace in between.
When Anko woke up this time, the pain was fuzzy and muffled by drugs and medics. She could sense the chakra block preventing her from feeling most of the pain, and the other block stopping her from using her own chakra. But she'd known where she was before she'd sensed that. The green, forest smells combined with those that accumulate in confined spaces was a dead give-away. And when she tried to shift her limbs and couldn't, that confirmed it.
She opened her eyes to the ceiling of a prison room in Konoha. The room wasn't as bad as some she'd seen, so she hadn't been thrown away to their darkest dungeon. Yet.
A medic she didn't recognise entered, and checked her vitals and chart. He checked her over with his chakra as well, and then left. All without speaking a word. Anko stared up the whole time, ignoring the intrusion. Her mind was too preoccupied with what had happened.
I used more chakra than my body could handle, she thought to herself. Why didn't that fucking snake warn me?!
Three ANBU entered shortly after the medic left, and they unstrapped her cautiously before escorting her out of the room. She could feel the hostility radiating from all three of them. I killed one of their own. I left Konoha with Orochimaru. I betrayed them.
They didn't speak either, except for monosyllabic orders.
Her wrists were chained together behind her back, and her ankles were chained together as well with just enough slack to let her walk carefully. Both chains were joined together, to prevent her from lifting her arms up, and the chains on her wrist were also attached to her waist so that she couldn't move them at all. It was a thorough binding, and combined with the chakra block meant that there was very little she could do to escape. It was practically impossible. She was being treated like a criminal who'd already been found guilty.
The ANBU lead her into a small room, which she recognised as an interrogation chamber. It had the one-way mirror, the small table and two chairs bolted to the floor, and the scent of fear permeating the walls. Konoha had been a powerful shinobi nation for a long time, and had had no few enemies over that period including rival shinobi nations. The rooms had seen enough use through the years.
Anko sat in the chair, waiting for them to chain her to it, and wondered who they would send to her. Ibiki? He was their expert. She wondered whether she merited his presence. Maybe. Probably. What does it matter?
But Anko hadn't really expected who finally walked into the room, though she should have. The Godaime had some personal experience when it came to Orochimaru, after all.
Tsunade strode in, and stared at Anko in silence for a moment. It was a minor tactic to get the prisoner feeling guilty and intimidated, but Anko wasn't going to speak first. She glanced at the mirror, and wondered who was on the other side. Kakashi, if they'd let him, probably Ibiki, maybe some ANBU and other jonin. Shizune would be there, of course. Maybe that girl who had been Sasuke's friend.
The Hokage sighed, glancing at the mirror as well before turning back to Anko. "You've put me in a difficult position, Anko. From the parts of your story that we can decipher, there is more going on here than we know. Your actions have people demanding justice, and the council do not find you very trustworthy." Tsunade rested her hands on the table, and leaned forward. "I am here because I understand more than anyone left in Konoha what Orochimaru is like. I wanted to question you, because I know. Tell me, Anko. Tell me why. You have a lot of friends here who want to help you."
Anko stared at the other woman, wondering how she managed so easily to make her want to speak. She made her want to talk, because the Hokage would understand more than anyone else could. But she couldn't speak. She couldn't initiate everything. Her reasons for what she did, what she felt, just didn't make sense in the terms that the people of Konoha understood.
The Sannin sat down and leaned forward, resting her chin on her hands. "Tell me why your chakra paths were so damaged that it took a whole day to heal them, Anko. Why is there a foreign source of chakra in your body? What have you done to yourself?"
Anko looked down at the surface of the table. She could see herself reflected there faintly, with a snake coiled over her shoulders. She closed her eyes.
"I used one of Orochimaru's jutsus that I found in one of the rooms storing his scrolls in the Tower. I remembered seeing the scroll when he was still teaching me, and happened to pick that one out." she said quietly. Maybe they will forgive me if I tell them. Maybe they will take me back. Maybe Kakashi will understand.
"Why did you use this jutsu? Why were you looking through Orochimaru's forbidden scrolls?"
Anko looked up to meet the Hokage's eyes. "Because I wanted to become stronger. Because he has to die, so that I can live in peace. The nightmares won't go away until I ..." She paused, and tried to pull herself together. "He took everything from me. I have to take it back, and I don't care what I have to do to do it."
Tsunade sighed. It was no more than she had expected. "What is the jutsu, Anko?"
"It is a soul-sharing jutsu." She could imagine the gasps of shock on the other side of the mirror. "But it was not in my complete control. There are periods of time that I don't consciously remember, when ..."
"When you killed two Konoha ANBU." Tsunade finished the sentence for her. She watched the kunoichi carefully. "So you don't remember that?"
Anko grimaced. "Not completely. It was like I was dreaming of another time when ... when Orochimaru made me kill a spy that would have revealed his experiments to the Sandaime. Not that I knew that at the time." The kunoichi leaned back a little in her chair, and stared up at the ceiling. "It was on one of our early missions. We were meant to stop the spy selling information about Konoha's defences but I made a mistake, and he almost got away. To make up for it, Orochimaru told me to kill him. He told me that the man was too dangerous to bring back." She could see the events in her mind's eye, and in an abstract way she could feel her horror and fear again. "I didn't want to do it. I was about to refuse, when the spy tried to attack me. Then he was dead. It was the first man I ever killed."
"Why did you leave with Orochimaru, Anko?"
"Because he was the only person I could think of that could teach me control. I thought he would give me power, and then I would use it to kill him. I told him I'd kill him." Anko smiled bitterly, self-mockingly, "He just laughed."
"You should have come to me," the Hokage replied with some anger. "You of all people should know that you can't trust Orochimaru!"
Anko bowed her head. "I know, but you would have removed the jutsu, or sealed it, and then taken away my rank. I would have had to become a missing nin anyway, to get my revenge. It was the only way." There was a glint of fanaticism in her eyes, and it reminded Tsunade all to clearly of Sasuke.
Tsunade slammed her fist on the table, which cracked audibly, and growled at the kunoichi. "You had a choice, Anko! You should have left your revenge behind! Now you've put all of us in a damn hell of a situation, and I can't promise you anything! You could die for this betrayal, you do realise that, don't you?!"
Anko's head snapped up, and her eyes were fierce. "I will not die here," she growled, and Tsunade could see some of the darkness and madness that Kurenai had told her about.
The Godaime ignored her tone, and glared back at her. "What have you been doing with Orochimaru? Where is his hideout?"
She smirked, her whole demeanour changing. "You'll never find him. They'd have moved by now, and I wouldn't know where to find them."
"Dammit Anko!"
The kunoichi turned to look at the mirror, talking to the watchers she knew were there. "I saw your precious Sasuke, you know. He's become quite the little Sound shinobi, though I personally can't stand his arrogant attitude. But he'll never come back, if you were wondering. Orochimaru and his own desire for vengeance have killed any compassion he may have felt."
"I see Orochimaru has worked his will on you as well," Tsunade growled, disgusted. "I can't believe you let him make you into this."
Anko jerked furiously at her restraints. "How much of what I am is his fault, and how much of it is Konoha's?" she spat, her eyes flashing with all the anger inside. "I have never been trusted here, because I was his genin! I was never accepted into the ANBU, and I was never made a full jonin! And that fucking council ..." she spat the word, like it was poison, "Did you see how they looked at me? Like I was a disease they had to dispose of! Even Orochimaru never treated me like that!"
"No," the Sannin replied softly into the tense silence following Anko's outburst, "He used you for his experiments, he twisted your mind, he took your memories, he made you kill for him, and he betrayed your trust. Maybe you have been treated unfairly here, but we have never done to you what he has." She sighed wearily, rubbing her temples as she looked at the woman who in her eyes was still a child. "I believe that he manipulated you all along, Anko. He's so good at that. And I think that this jutsu and your desire for revenge impaired your judgement as well. I told you before that I'd had enough problems with shinobi out for revenge."
Tsunade stood up. "I am going to do what I can for you, because in a way I understand ... but also because there are a number of people who still care about you. I hope you remember that."
The Sannin exited smoothly, leaving Anko staring at the mirror. She wondered whether Kakashi was looking back at her, whether he was meeting her eyes or turning away in disgust. She hadn't told them much about the forbidden jutsu, but was sure that they would want to know everything.
Anko looked at her clear reflection, noting her pale skin and the rings under her lighter, slit-pupil eyes. With her dark hair, she looked more like Orochimaru than she could believe. The snake slid out from behind her reflection, and coiled its way around her waist and up her body. It met her eyes through the mirror. She didn't remember noticing before how striking its gold eyes were, or how beautiful the pattern on its scaled body was. It brushed one of its coils across her cheek and she breathed out softly, relaxing a little.
"Why are we here?" it asked her, winding its body over hers and resting its head on her shoulder. As usual, the snake had an emotionless 'voice' with a slight hiss.
"I can't talk to you now." she whispered quietly.
"We should go back. You were getting stronger training with that male." The snake ignored her comment.
"I'm a little busy now," she growled, frowning irritably. She didn't want it to bring up Orochimaru again. Their last conversation about him had been bad enough.
"Are you going to let them kill us?"
Anko jerked back at the bluntness of the question.
"Even if I die you won't." she replied. The scroll had stated that the snake spirit would be freed on her death, more powerful than it had been originally. "And they won't kill me."
The serpent tilted its head to one side in puzzlement. "I will not die," it agreed, "But I have not yet lost interest in this experiment. I do not find that result ... desirable. And you are wrong. There are many nearby who want your death."
Anko's jaw clenched. "I am not going to die. Not now."
"Why do you stay here? Is it that other male?"
She ignored the question. "Why did my body fail me?" she asked it forcefully, "Why didn't you warn me about using too much chakra?"
If the snake could have, it would have shrugged. "It did not occur to me that your body would not be strong enough to take all my power. In future I will warn you when you are reaching your limit."
The kunoichi tensed angrily. "I can't afford to have a limit!"
"Then you must go back and ask that Orochimaru. He will know."
Anko shook her head hesitantly, feeling like she was in a never-ending cycle of nightmares that began and ended with Orochimaru. "But I don't want to go back there ... I don't have to. Not now that I have a chance ..."
"They won't take you back here." the snake replied. "I can taste their distrust."
"No!" she denied fervently, shaking a little, "You'll see. They will trust me. You're wrong. They'll take me back." She tried not to notice how hard she was trying to convince herself. Anko wished she could free her arms, and hug her knees to her body like she'd done as a child. She felt sick, hot and cold, so confused and on edge.
The snake disappeared in silence, leaving her to her shaking.
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Kakashi stared at Anko through the glass, and felt weak. Ever since she'd left, he'd felt weak. She'd taken his strength with her, and even though she was back, even though he'd brought her back, his strength hadn't returned. He wondered whether she was the same. Anko had said that he made her weak. Maybe this is what she meant.
Kurenai and Shizune were standing beside him, but he couldn't find the will to talk to either of them. They were watching the room on the other side of the mirror and speaking quietly to each other.
He ignored the other conversations going on while the Hokage talked to Anko. Most of them were against the kunoichi. The ANBU were silent, but their hostility towards her wasn't unnoticeable. The two representatives of the Konoha Council were especially negative. They said she was unstable. They said she couldn't be trusted. Watching her now, staring at the glass almost right at him, he couldn't completely disagree. There was something in her eyes that he hadn't seen before. Some whisper of madness, and darkness. But he waited for the Godaime, hoping that she would somehow give him hope. "You can't save me, Kakashi." Gods. Please don't let her be right.
When Tsunade entered the room where all the observers were standing, he was almost reluctant to look at her expression. As he'd thought, it was grim. Her entrance stopped all other conversations, and turned everyone's attention to her.
The Godaime sighed inwardly at all the attentive faces. She glanced for a moment at Kakashi, but he was staying carefully expressionless. "Well, it looks like we have a bit of a problem." she said at last.
"What problem?" one of the two council members present interrupted. Her face showed her disgust at the situation. "Mitarashi Anko has broken more than enough of our laws. There is only one way she should be punished."
"But we should find out all that she knows about Orochimaru's whereabouts and activities first." the other council member agreed.
"With respect," Kurenai interjected, "I feel that her situation and circumstances need to be taken into account. Anko has been manipulated and hurt by Orochimaru. He is the reason why she's done this, not because she means any harm to Konoha!"
"You don't know what she's told him already." Ibiki warned them. "What she meant may be very different to what she has actually done. I think it is imperative that she be thoroughly interrogated."
"Tortured, you mean?" Kurenai snapped at him.
The shinobi stared back, expressionless. "If that is what it takes."
Tsunade stopped the arguments with an upraised hand. "As I said," she started again, glaring at them both warningly, "We have a bit of a problem. Anko has clearly used a very dangerous jutsu that has made her unstable." They all turned to see the kunoichi staring back at them, muttering quietly to herself. It was disturbing, especially the different expressions that crossed her face. One moment she would look despairing or angry, and the next her face would be blank while she spoke too softly to hear.
"Along with the damage her body sustained from a chakra overload, it looks like she's suffering from some type of multiple-personality disorder, possibly brought on by the forbidden jutsu." the Hokage commented. "Until we have had her fully examined, we won't know its extent. I agree that we need more information from her, and I am going to ask Ibiki to be the one to question her."
Kurenai opened her mouth to object, but Tsunade cut her off. "You are too personally involved, Kurenai. Ibiki is the best at interrogation, and there will be no 'torture' unless I think it is necessary." She turned to look at the two council members. "And there will be no execution either until we know whether this situation merits it." she told them firmly.
The woman stared at her disapprovingly. "I think you will find that there will be an agreement that it does." she replied, before they both left.
Tsunade couldn't help her feelings of misgiving as she watched them leave. They will try to force my hand, she thought to herself. They have all wanted to see Anko dead for a long time ... but if the Sandaime could stop them, then so will I.
She looked back towards Anko, and saw her shaking slightly in her chair. Despite what she'd said, she didn't know if they would be able to help her. Tsunade had never seen anyone who had had their mind twisted as much as the young kunoichi sitting in the other room. She was also worried about what had happened since Anko had been with Orochimaru. The Sannin got the feeling that more was going on than she knew about, and she would have to correct that situation soon.
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The door swung open again, but Anko didn't raise her head. She felt so tired; too tired to care about who was talking to her next. Ibiki, Kakashi, Shizune ... it didn't matter. She had voices in her head, she was seeing things in mirrors, and was sure she was going mad. But Anko was going to tell them what they wanted to know, and believe that they would help her and accept her back. They had to.
The person who had entered was standing uncertainly at the doorway. Anko could tell that it was a young woman from the sound of her breathing. She didn't say anything as the door swung shut behind her. Anko waited, and waited, but it seemed that she would have to start the conversation.
"I'm not going anywhere," she said at last, impatient but still not glancing up. "You may as well spit it out."
The girl pulled herself together, and spoke in a rush. "You mentioned Sasuke-kun," she said, and then added hesitantly: "How is he?"
Anko looked up, and saw a pink-haired girl staring at her with wide, tearful cyan eyes. She knew who she was. Naruto and Sasuke's teammate and the Hokage's apprentice. The girl who obviously still loved the Uchiha. "Sakura." The kunoichi sighed. I don't want to deal with this now. Not another heartbroken child. Not another one that Orochimaru has taken hope from.
"You said he's changed, but I don't believe you." the girl stated determinedly. She clenched her fists. "Tell me how he is, what he's like ... whether he's okay. Please."
"What I said was true, Sakura." Anko said at last. "Sasuke has changed. The only thing that hasn't is his pretty face."
The kunoichi looked furious. "Don't talk about Sasuke-kun like that! You don't know him."
"I know him well enough. Sasuke doesn't care about anything other than his revenge."
"He still cares about us! He doesn't know that Orochimaru wants to use him as his vessel! If we tell him-" Sakura began vehemently.
"No." Anko interrupted, angry at the girl's determined denial. "He does know what Orochimaru wants as payment, and he doesn't care. He doesn't care, Sakura, not about anything. He's lost to you, and nothing you can do will change that." She tried to calm down, and met the young kunoichi's eyes to try to convey that she was telling the truth. "He's not worth your love."
Sakura stared at her blankly for a moment, and Anko could see the emotions running through her eyes. Despair, denial, anger, determination. The girl pulled herself up, and hardened her expression. "You're wrong." she replied, and span around to leave.
"I'm sorry." Anko said softly, as she got to the door.
Sakura looked back for a moment. "So am I."
The door was closed again, but it wouldn't be for long. Anko tried to push the girl's face out of her mind, but it was hard to dismiss such anguish. She wondered who else would come to tear at her emotions.
To be truthful, she wasn't surprised when Kakashi walked in next. She imagined that there was a queue of people outside, waiting with their questions. They all wanted something from her. Orochimaru, Sakura, the Hokage, her parents ... even Sasuke. And then there was Kakashi, who was staring at her with hundreds of questions in his eyes, and so much want and need that she didn't want to look at him. Nothing should have ever happened between them, she couldn't give him what he needed, but now there were too many years of memories and shared moments.
"I don't have anything to say to you." Anko said at last, tired of the heavy silence. The silence that said more than words could.
Kakashi looked at her, face expressionless. She could see the shadows of his mask shift as his lips moved. "Is that all?" he asked, voice tight with suppressed anger. "After all this, you have nothing to say?" The shinobi leaned forward and rested his hands on the back of the chair opposite her. "What happened to you, Anko?"
She knew he was asking about what happened when she was with Orochimaru. "Nothing. Nothing happened."
"What happened, Anko?" His voice was quietly passionate, entreating. It conjured memories of warm nights with his arms holding her safe.
"Don't make me lie to you." she replied quietly. She remembered the Sannin touching her, asking her what Kakashi would think if he knew. He would go mad. I can't hurt him like that. I can't let him know. He opened his mouth to reply, but she interrupted. "I have nothing to give you, Kakashi. I don't have a life to give you." Her eyes met his, and she tried to carry across her need. "I have to get out of here. I have to do what I live only to do. That's the only way you can help me."
"Is it still about revenge, Anko?" he asked bitterly, "Or is it something else?"
He was angry, and hurt, and he was reacting by lashing out at her. Anko closed her eyes and shut him out. She tried to picture something happy, some good moment in her life ... but there were only desperate and despairing memories left.
Gentle fingers brushed the side of her face, and she opened her eyes to see Kakashi kneeling at the side of her chair and looking at her with both eyes. The Sharingan eye was still, but his hands were not. They ran along her cheek, her brow, her lips. She sat in her chair, and could do nothing but watch his face.
"I care about you." he murmured quietly.
"I know."
"I fell in love with you."
Anko stared at him in shock, and then turned her head away to stare at the mirror, wondering who was witnessing this moment.
"No one is there," he reassured her softly.
His fingers reached her throat, and brushed the smooth skin. He stopped suddenly, running his fingertips over two twin scars on the curve of her neck. Kakashi stared at the scars just below her curse seal. "What ... what did he do to you?" he asked at last, standing up and forcing the words out. Putting distance between them almost automatically. "Did he hurt you?" Did you like it?
Anko refused to look at him, in case he saw the answers in her eyes. "I'm tired." she said. "Please tell them that I want to rest. I'll answer more questions tomorrow."
Kakashi stood still, indecisive. "Fine." he replied shortly. He turned abruptly and left, expressionless once more.
Anko waited, alone, for the ANBU to come and take her back to her cell.
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