Can this be real?

CHAPTER 9

A\N

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I really appreciate it all, just having someone read this is already a huge bonus to me, having someone comment, so much better!

Did Harry just say what I think he did? I can feel my heartbeat accelerate and my face heating up. Is it really possible that Harry can still have feelings for me?

I take a deep breath and look him in the eyes, searching for the truth, but to my horror, I really only see hurt and perhaps a little embarrassment, which can only mean that he is confused, and can I blame him? His is in a critical stage in his life and he does not need my feelings to confuse him more.

"Harry, I don't know what to say"

Harry stands up and walks over to the windows, his back to me.

"I know Hermione, and I am sorry for causing you embarrassment. It's just… you're my best friend and I cannot go on, no, I cannot try to even get better if I am not being honest about my feelings. I fell in love with this amazing girl a few years back, but due to circumstances, we did not take it further. But everyday when I am in your company, I get reminded of what I have lost, seeing you and Ron together, it hurts. It's my own fault, I know, what I just wanted to tell you the truth, to clear the air"

If possible, I think my heart just jumped out of my chest. Can Harry really still be in love with me? I walk over to him, contemplating what to say. Harry is a mess, but can I let this just go, without making sure? Then I do the only thing I can, I wrap my arms around him, hugging him tightly.

"Harry, I need to tell you something about Ron and me"

Harry slowly turns, my arms falling away, but Harry pulls me in his arms instead, resting his chin on the top of my head.

"No, Hermione, really, I do not need to know about your personal relationship, in fact, I insist, I REALLY do not want to know"

I am sure I can almost feel him pull a face and I smack him against the back of his head.

"Yeesh, Harry, not about that! That is personal and frankly, it's not even worth discussing that you. It's just that ….. "

What if Ron gets upset with me for telling Harry? What if Harry gets upset because we lied to him? Oh bother! Why is life so complicated sometimes?

Harry steps away from me, but I quickly step back into his arms, my face pressed against his chest. I silently inhale his wonderful male smell, so uniquely Harry.

""

"What!"

Did he really understand what I just mumbled?

"Umm, Ron and I have just been pretending to be a couple for this last month or so?" It came out sounding more like a question than a statement.

I sneak a peak at Harry's face. Oh boy, I wish I didn't. SO many emotions ran across his face, his mouth gaping open like a fish, trying to utter words that did not come out. I cannot tell if he is upset or not!

"Harry, say something"

When nothing happens, I take his face in my hands, looking in his eyes, trying to focus his eyes on me. I really need to know if we will be okay.

We stand like that for a few more moments, Harry staring into my eyes when he suddenly kisses me. His lips were barely touching mine, but it feels like electricity running through my veins. I increase my hold on him, opening up for him. It has been too long, but it finally feels like I am home. Harry pulls me even tighter against him as his sweet, wonderful and very talented tongue drove me crazy, his hands running all over me. In a movement so quick, I barely noticed, Harry had me pushed against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist. My head automatically falls to the side as he moves to my neck, gently nibbling, sending chills down my body. He pushes against my core, and I feel the tightening in my belly. Another push and he suddenly stops, leaning his head against mine, both us breathing heavily.

"What's wrong?" I did not have a good snogging session in a while, but I am sure that I did not do anything bad to cause him to stop.

"Nothing, but also everything! You made me loose control, forgetting everything around me."

"But that is a good thing isn't it?"

He smiles at me, kissing me softly.

"It should be, but I'm a mess. I cannot forget what happened to these people, our friends and family."

We sit down on the sofa, and I take his hands in mine.

"Harry, we said we will work through this, and we will, but it will take time. You are right however; we need to focus on getting you better first."

I quickly went over my Psychology lessons in my head, realizing that my degree will actually come in handy. I never intended to become a psychologist, but took the course in order to help me to understand the minds of the Witches and Wizards.

Firstly, Harry is definitely suffering from depression and a loss of his self esteem from what I can gather. I will need to find out more.

"In order for me to try and understand completely, I need to find out about your feelings, what happens when you get to a low point in life? But please, you have to be honest with me, if we cannot be honest with each other, it will not work"

I can see that this will be difficult for Harry. He is hiding something from me; something that he thinks will change my opinion of him. His face is like an open book to me now, once I had let go of my own self conceived notions, that is.

"What is it Harry? I know you are scared, but you know you can trust me?

"Can I? Can I really trust you? You did not even tell me about you and Ron."

"I know, and I apologize. Ron and I was not good relationship material, more like two friends trying very hard to be more. Ron just feels that his parents are not ready for another disappointment in their lives, and you distanced yourself lately, so I just assumed that it was better not to tell you as well, and I was wrong. You are my best friend Harry, and I should have trusted you above all."

During my little rant, I gripped his hand tightly, afraid he was going to let go. After my speech, he pulls his hand away and my heart drops, just to soar again as he cups my face.

"I also have to apologize, Hermione. I should have seen what was going on, but I was so involved in my own self pity, that I really did not give a lot of thought to you or Ron. But, Hermione, I cannot forgive you, for there is nothing to forgive. I understand why you are keeping it a secrect, forgive me for being so melodramatic earlier. I just have trouble controlling my emotions. One moment I am so happy and content, and the next I can be so angry or hurt, or scared or even unsure whom to trust, that I just snap."

He kisses me again but before I can relax, he pulls away.

"About a month ago, I was convinced that my life was worthless. I often feel like that, but that day was worse than ant other day. I feel ashamed of it now, but it is not something I can control completely. That day, I was sitting here, I could hear everyone in the kitchen, laughing at something, but all I could see was a black hole. Nothing seemed to have mattered; I couldn't get myself to care enough. I remember thinking that you are not even missing me; that my life was expendable, that you would not miss me, and I did the only thing that my mind could think of at that time."

I felt uneasy. This could not be good. I remember a study session I attended about depression once, and I am praying that he will not tell me what I think he is going to tell me. Because that will mean that he is far worse than I originally thought.

"I performed the Sectumsempra on myself."

A/N: Don't hate me. But Harry is suffering from Clinical Depression, when left untreated, can lead to suicide or attempted suicide. My mother is suffering from chronic depression but is under medication, if she does not take her medication, she becomes very irrational, sometimes not even remembering what she did or say. Under severe stressful conditions, she becomes very depressed, even with her medication. Depression is still one of the most understood conditions, but it is very real, believe me.