Something sweet as sugar & slightly nonsensical
Short o4: The one with oversleeping

"Pu ku ku~ As pleasant as it is to look upon your half-asleep face, Battler, I fear you really must get out of bed. Milady is keen to recommence the third game."

Battler groaned.

Sure, being awoken gently by Ronove was by far preferable to being cackled at manically by Beato, or getting dog piled by all seven of those noisy sisters at once so it felt like his spine would snap in two, but still.

That didn't change the fact that Battler was sleepy.

Watching his family members getting brutally killed was really exhausting- and that, coupled with all the detective-style sleuthing he was doing, whilst trying to push his own emotions aside, was taking a serious toll on him.

The fact he was naturally a lazy teenager, and had always been a lazy teenager, was completely irrelevant, ihihi~

All he knew was that he was tired, his bed was warm, getting out of bed meant being confronted by that annoying witch again and, in the end, it was just a lot, looot simpler to lie there under his blankets and daydream about tits.

Boobs were nice and simple; they didn't try and make him solve creepy murder mysteries and then cackle at him.

Wait… Beato had boobs, didn't she?

Ihihi, whatever, whatever… one day he'd beat her down with some amazing strategy to shatter her illusion (he didn't know what strategy he'd use, exactly, but he was working on it; he was sure it'd be fine), and then he'd, he'd… he'd just his exclusive Ushiromiya Battler breast sommelier attack and grope her death, ihihihi~

It'd be a perfect checkmate~

Aaaah, thinking about stuff like this really was a lot nicer than actually getting up and facing reality~ No wonder there was a huge panic on the news about hikikomoris recently; it was so easy to just lie in bed all day, Battler could've become a shut-in himself.

Eh… well, no, actually- he couldn't. Not unless he was a shut-in with a bunch of pretty girls.

Too bad all the girls in Purgatorio were insane- apart from possibly Leviathan or Belphegor; but trying to get close to them was all useless, given Beato had ordered them strictly not to be nice to him.

What a paaaain.

Useless, it was all useleeeeeess, munyamunya… …~

(At that exact moment, the contents of Battler's head were all soft and spongy and pudding-like, and they didn't make all that much sense; not even to himself.?)

"Battler." Ronove's amused voice cut through Battler's hazy thoughts once more; and, though Battler's eyes were closed with his head smushed against his pillow so he couldn't see that butler's face, he was 99% sure Ronove was smiling. "I apologize, but I simply cannot allow you to lie in bed all day- I have orders from Milady I must fulfil."

"Eheh… Noo waaaay…" Battler retorted, words punctuated with a small yawn. "M'not listening. I'm still sleeping, you see?"

"Your breakfast will go cold if you don't eat it soon. I rescued it from Miss Beelzebub's clutches specifically for you; I would be quite hurt if you didn't try it, despite my best efforts to save it for you, pu ku ku~"

"Ihihi… Don't caaare. If that croissant was made by a cute, clumsy maid girl maybe I'd wanna eat it, but if it was created by a… a-a creepy guy like you? I'll pass… U-uwaaah… aaah… Munya munya~"

Ronove laughed softly; placing his fingers under his chin as he pondered.

"Oh dear. It appears I will have to resort to a rather more… impolite method to arouse you, then. And I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to something so inelegant."

"Pfft. You can try to arouse me all you want, it ain't gonna work. Unless it has breasts, I'm not interested."

"Pu ku ku~ Indeed? Is that so? Then, as I am definitely not your type… I believe I know the perfect way of getting you out of bed."

"Hoh? What is it? Ihihi…" Battler laughed sleepily into his pillow. "Just so you know, demon butler… dragging me out of bed is a real challenge~ Not even demons can defeat the stubborn resolve of a lazy teenager."

"You believe this would be a challenge for me? How interesting~ This promises to be an exhilarating fight."

"Ihihi~ My cute little kid sis used to have to hit me with a full body press and a German double suplex to wake me up in the morning. I bet you can't do something like thaaaat."

"Oh my… Something like that sounds more likely to put you in an early grave more than anything?"

"Yeah. Ange is scarily strong for a six-year-old, ihihi. I wish I was that fierce as a brat- nobody ever would've teased me about my na-aa…" Yawn. "-aame then… …"

"People teased you…?"

"A-aha, well, um… a-aah, um…" Battler made a muffled noise into his pillow.

Urgh. This wasn't good.

In this state of mind, Battler was half-asleep enough to let crucial information about his weak points slip, but half-awake enough to actually get embarrassed once he'd spilt them. A-ahaa, why would he confide something like that to Ronove? Those memories were strictly private- a-and they were really, really embarrassing as well. They ranked up there with the incident on his sixth birthday, when he tripped into his cake in front of everybody and cried.

Not to mention all those times Jessica beat him up.

Aaah, h-he was even going red just thinking about it… …!

It was a good thing that pillow was there to hide his face, because Battler got a feeling that sadistic bastard would get a real kick out of seeing him so flustered.

"Hm… Why would anybody be so cruel to Battler, I wonder?~ If it were me, I would desperately do everything in my power to make you appreciate me... because, interesting name aside, you truly are a very intriguing person. I wouldn't want to upset you… pu ku ku~"

"Ahaha… hahaha… That's such a shameless lie, and you know it. You're always trying to upset me."

"Mm, perhaps- but just a little?~ It's a bad hobby I have… Aah, but I would never try to awake you using insults or violence; not towards Milady's much esteemed opponent. Not without Milady's permission, at least."

"Heh. So then… whatcha gonna do?"

"My plan is simple, yet effective. Ushiromiya Battler." Ronove folded his arms; a clear indication that this meant war. "If you do not get out of bed this instant, I am afraid I will have to make you move with a rather underhanded tactic…"

He smiled; the kind of self-assured smile somebody would wear during a chess game, just before they made a move that would finally corner their opponent's king.

"I'm afraid, I will be forced to get into bed with you."

There was a long silence; a silence which could only be signified as a string of ellipses:

…

…

…

During this spam of ellipses, Ronove looked at Battler.

Battler nuzzled just a little deeper underneath his nice, warm covers.

And then… in an unimaginably determined voice, the complete opposite of the embarrassed yelp Ronove had been expecting… Battler said, "Heh. Go on then. Do your worst."

Ah…

So it looked like the bold move from earlier wasn't checkmate after all? In actual fact, a miraculous comeback like this from Battler- w-was quite difficult to counter at all...

Silence reigned once more; a slightly shorter silence this time, that only needed one string of ellipses.

"...Are you quite certain you don't mind?" Ronove finally asked, voice tinged with a faint air of incredulity.

"No. It's fine. I'm a man of my word, and I'm gonna stand my ground. A cheap trick like that can't even touch me, ihihihi. I'm disappointed, Ronove~"

"Ah, well… if that truly is the case… Hm. I thought you would be more adverse to the idea, given how you seem to despise my company?"

"Oh, I do. I really, really do. But sleeping is a lot more important, munya munya… A-and, eheh…" With a sleepy, half-asleep and only third-awake laugh, Battler slurred almost intelligibly, "I-if I hafta share a bed with you to get five seconds' sleep round here, I'd totally do it. That's how strong my resolve is.

"Now, what about you? Are you actually going to go through with your threat? I'm wai~ting~"

"Ah, well, I-"

"You don't wanna? You don't wanna do it? You really don't want to sleep with me, even after you were trying to act all tough? Ihihihi. How pathetic~ What a pathetic man, ihihi~ I'll… I-I'll break you down… an' make you praise my name… an' kiss the tips of my shoooes, ahahaha…~~" Then, Battler paused; scrunching his nose up in distaste. "Not that I want you to do that, I'm not into that stuff. Maybe if you were one of those cute sisters… maybe then, hm… …~ How nice, ihihihyahaha~"

For a few brief seconds, a look of surprise flickered across Ronove's usually impassive face.

Then, very softly, he held a hand to his mouth and started to laugh.

"Pu ku ku~ I see. You really have been spending too much time with Milady, haven't you?"

"Y-you think? Aahaaa… I hate her. And I'm gonna beat her up, then grope her tits~ Ihihi~"

"What a charming sentiment~ I look forward to witnessing your success. Ah, well now, though… In regards to this situation… It's true I did threaten you- and so perhaps it would reflect badly on my status, as an Earl of Hell, if I were to back down on it. Moreover, a gentleman never breaks a promise, so… pu ku ku~ Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint you. Would you please move to one side, Battler?"

"Eh? Aah, sure thing."

And, with a small yawn and a shrug (obviously, Battler wasn't thinking about this as much as he should've been), he obligingly moved to one side…

…only to let Ronove slide into bed beside him.

"R-ronove? Battler…? W-what… what's going on?"

Lucifer's face turned bright red.

She stared.

She stared so hard the image burnt itself into her brain.

Ronove was… in Battler's bed… … a-and, even more strangely, the half-dressed redhead was fast asleep… and he was actually u-using Ronove as some kind of pillow?

H-how did something like that happen?

H-how?

K-kyaaaa… …!

S-she'd only been sent by Beatrice to wake Battler up; s-she hadn't expected to find a scene like this, i-it looked like something straight from those weird comics Milady liked to read so much! I-it looked exactly like one of those weird scenes, except the two men weren't enclosed by a border of roses!

W-what the hell?

"Ah… Hello, Miss Lucifer," said Ronove cordially, without the slightest hint of shame. "Do forgive this rather... unusual position we're in. This is merely the outcome of a fight, of sorts."

Lucifer tilted her head to one side. "A-a fight?"

Maybe she'd been doing it wrong all these years, but none of the fights she'd ever been involved in ended in scenes like that. Whenever Lucifer fought, a human ended up dead with a hole in their head- n-not something like this; certainly nothing like this… …!

"Yes." Ronove laughed. "It appears I misjudged the resolve a stubborn, sleeping teenager can possess ever so slightly… … pu ku ku~"

Meanwhile, Ushiromiya Battler- fast asleep, lost in his own little dream land- nuzzled his head into Ronove's side, and muttered something completely incomprehensible about Golden witches and tits.