The Woods Are Dark and Deep

by Blue Jeans

Chapter 11

I could not tell them.

Days went on while Sen and Kazama watch me fall into a spiraling depression. Some days I would drag myself after the others with a smile plastered on my face until my skin hurt from the effort. Those days were the good ones, when I could muster the strength to pretend everything was alright even if no one was fooled. Other days I would feel as if my limbs were made of lead and I would slow everyone down with my dragging pace. On those days I would find myself blaming the poison coursing through my veins, but I suspected that the reality of losing Kazama when he was right there, in front of me, didn't help.

We were getting closer to my home. I knew this. Not just from the maps Amagiri and Kazama would look over by the camp fire, but from something deep inside of me. The trees began to look familiar, the air began to stir my memories... And the flowers, when they waved in fields that we would happen upon in the woods, would make me pause and my heart would ache. I still remembered nothing and my depression preoccupied me enough that I didn't care.

Sometimes, while walking I would think back on those days when Sen would put her head close to me and wonder out-loud how Kazama would react to seeing me in my kimono. I would laugh quietly to myself at those memories, but the bitterness always tinged it and I guessed to Sen and Kazama who were both keeping an eye on me, I must have looked like I was going mad.

I was surprised they lasted as long as they did. On the tenth day Kazama simply grabbed my arm after we stopped to set up camp and pulled me aside. He didn't even bother to make up an excuse, just shot Amagiri a look that probably was along the lines of "Don't you even think about bothering us or die," and then left it at that.

Not surprisingly, no one came after us.

"What has happened to you?" Kazama demanded, his voice sounding on edge as soon as he was certain no one could over hear us. I guess, in a way, I had pushed him too far. I knew that he had, at first, planned to wait me out. If this had been a normal issue I might have gone to him after I had gathered my thoughts on what to say. Unfortunately, for the both of us, this was not a normal issue and his patience had obviously run dry concerning my taciturn behavior.

We hadn't really talked for a while. I hadn't allowed it to happen. Kazama had, gruffly, and a bit clumsily, tried to draw me out around the third day, when he realized how badly I was behaving, but I never gave him an opening after that. Whenever possible I would use Sen or Kimigiku or both as shields. Sen was amazed at my behavior at first, but Kimigiku submitted to it as best as she could. I was thankful to them for their courage. After all, Kazama was definitely not someone to try to be a shield against, even if one was a demon.

Sen, in my own way, I had also avoided being alone with. I used her as a shield, but I would never answer any of her questions about what had happened with Kaoru. Her concern was growing and she was looking more and more tired and stressed, probably over my sudden cold and distant nature. Yet, even though I felt guilty, I just couldn't say it.

Now, facing Kazama, I could feel the hysteria of losing him rising inside of my chest until all reason was blotted out. Fear swamped me and I think some of it must have shown on my face. He frowned at me, and I think, whatever reactions he had been expecting, this was probably not it.

I must have hurt him. I could see it on his face, in the silence between us that I had only began to realize the depth of. Even though I had not known him as long as any of the men in the Shinsengumi, after I had gotten over my initial fears, I realized Kazama was not as hard to read as I had previously thought. Then again, Hijikata and Saito were both hard to decipher on their best days and they were far less straight-forward than Kazama was at his worst.

"I'm sorry," I finally said. I clutched my arms around my middle and looked away. If I had told him the truth, it would hurt him so much more, I told myself. More importantly, it would break me apart. "I- I didn't mean to avoid you." That wasn't the truth, but it wasn't really a lie either. Of all the people I wanted to avoid the least, Kazama was at the top of the list.

I could hear him snarl, but Kazama stopped being able to truly cow me for a long time now. The fear I felt was from something else entirely. Just the very thought of losing him could make my throat constrict and hurt me as if my insides were break apart. When I looked at him now, that was all I could think about. When walking in the woods, I often would study his back and imagined myself telling him the truth.

I didn't want to think about what his face would look like when it happened but looking at his back didn't help. I would be reminded in those moments that his back would probably be the last thing I would see when the truth came out...

Now the two of us stood facing each other and not saying a word. I couldn't even look at him. Kazama regained control of himself and his voice smoothed to that familiar quality that used to sooth me instead of depress me. "Do you think I am not strong enough to handle whatever it is you are keeping to yourself?" Even though he sounded normal, his words were cold.

I opened my mouth to deny it and then closed it forcefully. Finally, I raised my face to his. In that moment, I wanted to reach out more than ever. I wanted him to hold me tightly and make me feel like it was really going to be okay, the way Sen promised me that night by the river when my world went to hell.

Instead, I took a step back. "It was never a question of your strength, Kazama-sama." He blinked at me calling him by his family name again, more formally than I have for a very long time now. He must have realized that I was trying to create as much of a physical barrier as an emotional one between us. I wanted to excuse it as a way to protect him from what was to come, but I wasn't deluded enough to ignore the fact that it was also a way for me to protect myself. "I was always the weaker one," I admitted quietly, resolving myself for what I was about to do. I had waited long enough! Yet still my hand quivered as I pulled the ties that held my hair back and away from my face.

I had lost all my courage then for the necessary words. I could not even look at him as my hair fell around my face. But by then, I was also tired of hurting him just to keep myself safe. I had been avoiding my duties, and the Shinsengumi had taught me to be better than that. Holding those memories to me I finally looked up. My white hair fluttered in the wind, my horns left like a hot burning brand on my forehead, and surely, my eyes were gold once more.

I looked him in the eyes then and dared him to question me.

In that silence I finally found my voice again and when I spoke, I tried not to sound as small, shameful and full of pain as I felt. Every question he asked, no matter how difficult the truth was I answered to the best of my abilities. I struggled to keep my voice steady and that made my answers curt. Kazama didn't seem bothered by that, but understanding lit up his eyes and his mouth became thinner and thinner. In the end, he was more concerned with what I had to say than how I said it.

"Why did you not tell me this as soon as I joined you?" he wanted to know when all other things have been cleared up and answered.

How do I say this without exposing myself to more emotional injury? I looked at him, wanting him to understand. The silence stretched and in that silence, under his gaze, I forced myself to accept the one thing I still had not admitted to even myself. I have come to love him. It was a feeling that was new and untended, but it was there. In him I had seen a future I could finally be happy with. It was a future that I had wanted to pursue and come to look forward to. Just the promise of it was what had allowed me to deal with the Shinsengumi's passing. It had even given me the strength to pursue the furies, to do what I thought was right and necessary. Kazama deserved no less than the truth, no matter how much it hurt me or how vulnerable it left me.

I had never confessed my feelings to anyone before, but more than the horns that burned on my head, more than my heart thudding wildly against my chest, I knew I had to do this. Surely, surely my chest was hotter now then my forehead could ever be.

"I wanted you to accept me, Chikage," I finally said softly, tearing down the very walls I built but moments ago. For the first time since we met up I used his name. I said it as softly and as lovingly as the feelings inside of me felt. "When you told me you would come for me when we were at Ezo, I saw my future in your eyes. Even after what Kaoru did to me... I didn't want to let that go. Not when I... when I have started to have feelings for you." Kazama looked at my face, I knew he was aware how vulnerable I was allowing myself to be. I knew he would give me nothing less than the truth and I didn't want to hear it.

Not now, not ever.

Before he could break my heart, I did it myself. Because, after all that he had done for me, a red silk sash would never be enough to repay him. This had never been his responsibility and I was the fool who dragged it on.

"I am releasing you from that promise, Chikage." I looked at him in the darkness with my eyes surely as wild as the feeling inside of me. My blood pounded in my ears so hard I doubted that I would have heard him respond even with my enhanced hearing. I should have been able to clearly see him, as if it were the light of day, but somehow, the lines of his form blurred and his colors melted together. "I am a fury now. I can't give you any pure-blooded demon children. I can't take you up on your offer to stay by your side. P-please," my voice finally wavered and my courage fled me as my heart clenched at my own words. "Find someone else to be happy with..."

My eyes were now too clouded with tears to see anything with clarity. My hands went to my chest, but there was nothing I could really hold on to. What could I offer it? There was nothing to keep it together now when we both knew the facts could not be changed in what I had revealed.

Kazama stood there for a long moment watching me. I was so tired and so wrecked with pain that I could only hang my head and cry. I didn't want him to see me like this, but I had used up all my strength to say the things that needed to be said. I wanted to know what he was thinking and I feared to know those same things. I still wanted to be held, to be reassured, to be loved... but I did not have the breath or the will to ask for them.

Then, quietly, without another word, Kazama finally turned and left me there in the dark with my white hair and my broken dreams. I heard him go, but even then, I hadn't even the courage to look up and watch his blurry back disappear from sight...

To be continued...